


The Wedding Party

by spanglemaker9



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 185,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spanglemaker9/pseuds/spanglemaker9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The perfect person appears at the worst possible moment, and one unforgettable encounter changes everything. AH</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.

_ Bella- November, 2004 _

 

 

Bella’s mind was full of lists and plans and beautiful words.

 

But one word overrode all the other more poetic ones: Latte. She knew she’d make no headway on any of the lists and plans unless she addressed that one more prosaic word first, so she changed course as she made her way across the UW campus, heading towards her favorite coffee cart to get her fix.

 

There were a couple of students on line ahead of her when she got there, so she bounced on the balls of her feet while she waited, both to stave off the damp cold of late fall in Seattle and to focus her mind as she tried to order her thoughts. There were papers due and short stories to write for the competitive creative writing program she belonged to, but the thoughts that predominated in her mind were all about _New Moon,_ the little upstart literary magazine she’d founded the year before.

 

Bella had many friends in the creative writing program frustrated with the lack of opportunities to get their work published. So she did some research, wrote a grant proposal, and started a magazine in an unused utility closet in the English department. She had recruited help. Alice, of course, was her other half at the magazine, just as she’d been since they were kids. And Angela, another friend from high school, also pitched in when her class schedule in the Public Policy department allowed it. But _New Moon_ was Bella’s baby, she personally read every submission, actively sought out new authors far beyond the confines of UW, and pushed hard to get the magazine distributed all over the Pacific Northwest. _New Moon_ and the writing it showcased were her passions and the center of her life.

 

A lanky frat boy in a backwards baseball cap was surreptitiously watching Bella as she bounced and fidgeted in line. She was bundled up in her navy pea coat in the damp late November Seattle chill, but her long brown hair was loose and curling down her back, and her cheeks were flushed with the cold and her enthusiasm. Although her expression was distant and her eyes unfocused, they were bright and the frat boy couldn’t help but notice and appreciate the view. But Bella was oblivious to the attention, as always, too distracted by all she had to do and all she wanted to accomplish.

 

When it was finally her turn she leapt forward, slamming both hands on the edge of the cart in her enthusiasm and caffeine-fueled desperation.

 

The middle-aged man working the cart smiled at her, “The usual, Bella?”

 

“Yes!” she moaned dramatically. “I need a latte in the worst way, Fred. A huge one!”

 

Fred chuckled as he scooped an extra dollop of milk foam onto Bella’s latte, just the way she liked it. “You eat this morning?”

 

Bella scrunched up her nose and shook her head as she tossed her bills on the cart and stowed her wallet. “No time, I’ll grab something later.”

 

Fred shook his head and slid a bagel across the counter next to the latte. Bella opened her mouth to protest, since she hadn’t paid for it, but Fred held up a hand to silence her. “I don’t wanna hear it. You can pay me by eating it.”

 

She smiled and took a bite. Her whole body tingled in response to the taste and she figured she was much hungrier than she’d realized. “Thanks, Fred. I needed that,” she muttered around the mouthful of bagel. “See you tomorrow!”

 

She waved at Fred over her shoulder as she strode briskly away. The frat boy behind her paused for a minute, swiveling his head to watch her go, until Fred cleared his throat loudly and fixed him with a disapproving glare.

 

Bella walked as fast as she could towards the English department, trying to make up for the time lost stopping for the latte. By the time she bounded into the “offices” of _New Moon_ , her cheeks were flushed and her dark eyes were sparkling as she chewed down the last of her bagel. Alice looked up and thought, not for the first time, that her best friend was remarkably pretty in cold weather, even when she was chewing with her mouth open. She blushed easily and the cold brought it out, but it contrasted perfectly with her pale smooth skin and dark eyes. Her clothes were always a little too LL Bean for Alice’s tastes, but when Alice could get control of that, nobody could hold a candle to Bella. The best part was that she was completely unaware of it. She blew through her life completely distracted by her writing and her little magazine with no clue about the impression she gave off, all enthusiasm and boundless energy and unaffected beauty.

 

Alice turned her eyes back to her computer screen and her attention back to the phone conversation she was still engaged in.

 

“I don’t care what he’s got ahead of us, we have a deadline. So he’d better get the artwork done and over here by four today or we’ll _all_ be screwed!” Alice paused to listen to the assistant in the graphic design department stammer some more excuses before she cut in as if she hadn’t heard. “Yes, yes, that’s all freaking _fantastic_ , but I need my graphics, so here’s how it’s going to work. You’re going to bump us up in queue and when I check my email at four, they’ll be there, won’t they?” As always, Alice’s persistence and tone of voice worked its magic, and within minutes, the poor beleaguered assistant was promising on time delivery when half an hour ago he’d declared it impossible.

 

“What was that about? Why the rush on the artwork? Deadline is tomorrow.” Bella asked as she squeezed past the filing cabinet that hemmed her desk in on one side and shucked off her coat before falling into her chair. Alice and Bella’s desks faced each other and were so small that they could reach across them sitting down and shake hands.

 

Alice dropped the receiver back on the hook and sighed, her air one of unconcerned detachment, waving her hand dismissively. “Yeah, well, the printing office called and told us we were bumped by some rush job for the president’s office.”

 

“What??” Bella snapped, her hand already reaching for the phone in a panic.

 

“Cool your jets! I’m on it!”

 

“What are we going to do?” Bella was already making new lists in her head, re-prioritizing the day as she spoke.

 

“I called my buddy, Phil, at the printing plant, and I begged,” Alice said brightly. “He found us a window. He can squeeze our job in, but it’s got to be then.”

 

“You’re amazing, Ally,” Bella said on an exhale. “When is it?”

 

“He’ll run us from four a.m. to five.”

 

“Four this morning? Christ!”

 

“I know, I know, we lose twelve hours on deadline, but it was the best I could do.”

 

Bella closed her eyes and pictured her happy place as she did her best to stay calm. “It’s okay. We can do this.”

 

“Sure we can,” Alice sang. “We can do anything. Because we are brilliant, and beautiful, and we rule the world!” Bella was chanting along in unison before Alice got as far as “beautiful”. Alice had been saying it since they were girls.

 

Alice laughed, and reached up to straighten the broad bright floral scarf she had around her head holding back the front of her hair before reaching back to artfully muss the messy black layers in back. Bella eyed her outfit for the day. She was wearing a bright, psychedelic-print A-line mini-dress and enormous yellow hoop earrings, and her eyes were dramatically outlined in black, like Cleopatra. Bella thought she looked like a gothed-out version of Goldie Hawn on _Laugh-In_.

 

“What’s with the dress?” Bella asked.

 

“Isn’t it _amazing_? It’s Pucci! I found it at the Salvation Army over on Water Street for fifteen dollars! They always get the best stuff in there, and they haven’t got a clue how great it is.” Alice fingered the dress that looked more like a Halloween costume fondly, and Bella smiled indulgently.

 

"Oh! Before I forget, Charlie called looking for you," Alice said quickly.

 

Bella scowled into the interior of her backpack. "Why didn't he call my cell?"

 

Alice waved a dismissive hand, "You know what a Luddite he is. Anyway, I like it when he calls here because then I get the chance to flirt with him!"

 

"Eeeww, Alice, stop! That's my dad!"

 

"I can't help it! He gets all cute and flustered just like you are right now! I bet he blushes just like you, too. Oh, come on! You know I'm just kidding. Charlie is like _my_ dad!"

 

Bella said nothing; she just smiled at the mental image of Alice getting her dad all flustered, and for a second she was sorry she wasn't here to see it.

 

"Did he say what he wanted?" she asked, still digging in her bag.

 

"Nope, just asked you to call him later. Send him a kiss from me!"

 

"Shut up, Ally!"

 

Alice collapsed into laughter at her own joke as Bella started pulling files out of her bag and adding them to the piles on her desk. “Oh, Ally, did you get that short story I emailed you last night?”

 

“I got it, but I didn’t get a chance to read it yet. Anything good?”

 

Bella clamped a hand over her heart and closed her eyes, the way she always did when she read good writing. Alice loved watching the reaction, how she seemed absolutely transported by the words. “God, Ally, it was amazing. So, so good. We _have_ to find room for it.”

 

“But this issue is full. We did the layout already!”

 

“I don’t care, we’ll shuffle stuff, we’ll find room. It just has to go in, it’s…it’s just brilliant! So beautiful and moving and….” Bella’s face lit up, and her voice pitched up the way it did when she got really excited about a submission, which happened quite a lot.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m sold. Let’s get to it and figure out where it’s going to go.”

 

Bella reached to the front of her desk and her hand ran into a bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums wrapped in paper. “What are these?”

 

“They call them ‘flowers’,” Alice said slowly, widening her big grey eyes and smirking at her own joke.

 

Bella gave her a bored look and threw a paperclip at her. Alice laughed before smiling slyly.

 

“Jay brought them by for you,” Alice said with feigned disinterest.

 

“Jay? That guy from the student newspaper? He came by again?”

 

“Yup,” she said, turning to her laptop. “You really did a number on that guy, B.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. He interviewed me about _New Moon_ , that’s all.”

 

Alice shook her head at her friend’s complete obliviousness when it came to the opposite sex. Alice could tell the instant that Jay had laid eyes on Bella that he was interested in her, and now he’d brought her flowers twice in one week and Bella still thought it was nothing.

 

“Yeah, well, I don’t think he intends for that to be all,” Alice said. “What are you going to tell him?”

 

“I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it.”

 

“Do you want to go out with him?” Alice asked, making Bella pause and look up.

 

“I don’t have time,” she said dismissively.

 

“You can find the time if you want to. So, do you want to?”

 

“I don’t know. He seems…nice?”

 

“Nice?” Alice cocked an eyebrow at her.

 

“He’s cute,” Bella said, her tone growing slightly defensive, which made her wonder why she was defending a guy she wasn’t sure she was remotely interested in.

 

“He’s cute,” Alice nodded in agreement, but not very enthusiastically. “But...”

 

“I know. _But_ ,” Bella agreed. “I’m not sure he does it for me.”

 

Alice sighed, “I’ll point out, B, that since you launched _New Moon,_ nobody has _done_ it for you. Or _to_ you.”

 

“I’ve been busy. So, you think I should go out with him, then?”

 

Alice shrugged, “He’s cute enough. And the flowers are nice. You don’t need to marry the guy, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let him buy you dinner. You could use a little…um, _recreation_.” Alice secretly thought that he was nowhere near good enough for Bella, whom she believed to be a nearly flawless human being. But Jay seemed harmless, and if the guy could convince her to leave the office for just one night and relax, then he’d serve his purpose.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Bella muttered before she turned back to her laptop.

 

“Think about what?” Angela asked from the doorway, eyeing the room and trying to figure out where she could squeeze in.

 

“That guy Jay from the newspaper is wooing her,” Alice smirked at Angela.

 

“Ooh, there’s wooing going on!” Angela said, her eyes widening as she flapped her hands around her face in excitement.

 

“There’s no wooing happening!” Bella protested half-heartedly. “He brought me flowers. That’s all.”

 

“Flowers?” Angela said earnestly, dropping into a chair to the side of Alice’s desk and leaning forward on her elbows. “That’s the second time this week!”

 

“I know! That’s what I said!” Alice chirped, scooting her chair closer to Angela’s. Angela adjusted her glasses as she settled in to dish with Alice.

 

“Guys, just drop it,” Bella said, opening up the brilliant short-story submission from last night. The opening line caught her attention again, and she almost forgot to finish her thought. “He’s brought me flowers a couple of times, which I’ll admit is nice, but I’m really busy. I have no idea if I even want to go out with him. I don’t know _what_ I think about him.”

 

“Well, you better decide fast, because here he comes,” Alice hissed. Alice had less space for her chair, being pinned up against the wall like she was, but unlike Bella, who was blocked in by a filing cabinet, she could see the office door, which sometimes came in handy.

 

Jay poked his head in, looking at Alice expectantly, since she’d been there earlier when he’d dropped the flowers off. Alice looked back at him appraisingly. He had sandy blonde chin-length hair that he kept tucked messily behind his ears. It was rather unfortunate hair, but Alice was giving him a pass on it since it was college and everybody had questionable hair. He was short, which was an ironic criticism coming from Alice, who barely cleared five feet. Again, she was willing to overlook it since he was still taller than Bella. He had nice high cheekbones and decent blue eyes. The eyes were on the smallish, squinty side, but he had a warm smile and an open expression on his face that offset the squinty eyes. He was nothing special, but if he could get Bella out of the office for once, she’d approve of him in the short term.

 

Alice smiled back at him and tipped her head to indicate Bella back in the corner. Jay craned his head around, looking over Angela’s head, and finally spotted Bella nearly blockaded by her desk. His flowers were still lying where he’d left them. He wondered what that meant, that she hadn’t put them in water or unwrapped them or anything.

 

“Hey, Bella!” he called from the doorway. “I just wanted to make sure you got the flowers I left for you.”

 

Bella blushed and glanced away. “Um, yeah, I did. Thanks.”

 

Jay nervously shifted from foot to foot. Bella kind of intimidated him. Really, who starts their own magazine in college? She was clearly smart and driven and incredibly passionate about everything she did. He was worried that the second he opened his mouth she’d find him hopelessly stupid and dull, even though in most other aspects of his life, Jay never worried about his intelligence. But Bella’s beauty, along with the creative energy that nearly danced off of her, made him doubt himself, which was a new, uncomfortable sensation.

 

Jay took a deep breath and soldiered on. “Are you busy? Can you grab a coffee?” There. It was out there. He’d asked her.

 

“Oh, wow…um…today is actually really bad for me. We just had our deadline bumped up and we’re going to be here all night.” Bella could tell he was nervous about asking her out for coffee, and about the flowers, and she felt genuinely bad that she had to shoot him down. But today really was impossible with the deadline moving up.

 

“Oh,” he said, his face clearly showing his disappointment. “That really sucks. But hey, why don’t I bring you some dinner? You have to eat, right?”

 

“Yeah, I suppose so. That would be really nice, actually. Thanks.”

 

He beamed at Bella and she softened towards him just a little bit more. Offering to bring them dinner really was nice of him. “Fantastic,” he said.  “I have a class that gets out at 6:30. I’ll call you and find out what you guys want.”

 

“Thanks, Jay.”

 

“Um…that means I’ll need your cell number.”

 

“Oh, right! Give me your cell, I’ll put it in.”

 

Jay leaned into the room over Angela’s head and handed Bella his phone. He didn’t have to move out of the doorway to reach her. Bella programmed her number into Jay’s phone. She was fully aware of the larger implications of this. Now that he had her number, he’d call her and ask her out for sure. As Bella typed in her number, she decided that she’d say yes. He’d earned it by offering to bring them dinner tonight, if for nothing else. Jay stayed for just a minute longer, chatting a little, but working for the newspaper had given him a healthy respect for tight deadlines and he cleared out fairly quickly.

 

Angela and Alice managed to restrain themselves until Jay was just out of earshot before they fell apart into giggles, recounting every detail of the encounter breathlessly to each other and comparing opinions about various aspects of it.

 

“So you’re going out with him, then?” Angela asked when they finally took a break.

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Bella shrugged, already fully engrossed again by the new short story. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be anything serious, right?”

 

Angela watched her face grow intense and focused as she re-read the story and knew that Bella was lost to them for the time being, so she turned back to Alice to deconstruct the Jay situation further.

 

As for Bella, the new short story drew her in completely, and she didn’t think about Jay again until he called that night to ask them about dinner.

*

*

*

_ Bella- Present Day _

 

 

“Bella? Hey, B, come on, Eleazar just got here and we need to go say hello,” Jay tugged on my elbow, his voice desperate.

 

I shook my head slightly to clear it of all those distracting old memories from college and the days of _New Moon._ That all felt like another lifetime, and sometimes it felt like it might have happened to someone else entirely. Although remembering Jay from back then, so sweet and hopeful, made me smile a little. I’d almost forgotten what he was like back when we first met. These days sullen and withdrawn seemed like his default mood.

 

I sighed a little and turned to look at him, “Sorry, what?”

 

Jay stared back in disbelief that I could be thinking about anything else at such an important moment. “Eleazar’s here. You know, Eleazar. _My boss_. We need to go say hello," his tone shifted and he leaned in close, catching my eyes with his, his face earnest. "And Bella, can you talk to him? Please? I really need to impress him. I need you to help me out with this."

 

“Help you out how?”

 

“Just talk me up to him. Make me look good. Come on, B, you can do it.”

 

I opened my mouth to protest, to say that I had nothing to say that anyone would find interesting, but he wasn’t listening anymore. He was scanning the room eagerly for Eleazar. Eleazar, the Spanish, way-too-suave, newly-installed head of the International Desk, had joined the staff six months ago. Jay had never really liked him, but forced himself to pay court to him anyway.

 

Jay was desperately worried about his job; I knew that. It was the only thing keeping me from getting annoyed with him tonight. Jay had landed this job on the International Desk at the _Seattle Inquirer_ right out of college. It was a junior position; it paid almost nothing, but there was prestige in it, and if he hung on and did well, with his talent it might have been the start of a highly successful reporting career. But the _Inquirer_ , like so many other newspapers, was cutting back on its in-house reporting staff, relying more and more on wire feeds. There had already been two rounds of layoffs, and everybody was holding their breath to see where the axe would fall next.

 

In my mind, Jay’s job was all but done for. The paper couldn’t afford to keep him, and Eleazar wasn’t particularly fond of him. But Jay just couldn't accept that. He simply refused to face reality on this issue. He was sure if he could somehow connect with Eleazar, ingratiate himself in just the right quarter, or simply through sheer will, he could save his job.

 

After all, he’d gotten a long way by making himself invaluable to the right people. That, and fierce hard work, and single-minded determination coupled with his undeniable talent as a journalist, had allowed him to build something out of his career in spite of his other deficiences. He could be a bit of a loner and prone to moodiness; I knew that. But if you could get past that, he was a genuinely good person, and always well-meaning. I didn't think any of his good qualities would be enough to save him this time, though.

 

I was tired and not in the mood to charm anyone for him tonight. I'd worked all day. Granted, my lousy, dead-end job hardly required much brain power from me, but somehow, the mindless monotony still managed to wear me out. I didn’t want to be at this party; I didn’t want to socialize with his work associates, who were mostly strangers to me; I didn’t want to spend the evening hanging on Jay’s arm, pretending to be interested in all the newsroom intrigues.

 

I did my best, though. I made idle party conversation with Eleazar as he stared down my dress at my cleavage, and touched my hand in conversation too many times for comfort. I smiled with as much warmth as I could muster as Jay tried to be witty and intelligent. Jay constantly cast his frantic eyes at me, silently begging me to be brighter, funnier, more charming. I felt crushed by the pressure, smothered by his need, his desperation. It took everything I had in me to keep my own head above water in the wilderness of my life; I couldn’t deal with the responsibility of Jay, too.

 

I escaped to get another drink and ended up hiding from everyone for a bit, leaning into a corner and letting my mind wander to my happy place. These days my happy place was just an old memory from my teenage years. Just some completely ordinary Saturday afternoon sitting on the porch of my old house back in Forks. I had been cleaning the fish Dad caught that morning. I’d always hated that job, but Dad loved to brag all through dinner about how much better food tasted when you caught yourself, so I made the effort when he hauled his catch home. Charlie had been working on my truck again, doing what he could to keep the big red beast running. Every now and then, he'd glance up from the engine and make one of his dryly funny comments, or he'd just smile at me. It had been so sunny that day. I remember feeling it warm the tops of my bare feet as they rested on the wooden porch steps. Such a dull, ordinary Saturday. Utterly forgettable. Except for some reason, I never did forget it, and in the coming years, when days like that became impossible because Charlie was long gone, I pulled that tiny memory out and wore it smooth like a stone whenever I needed to feel safe and carefree again.

 

It wasn't working tonight, though. Try as I might, I just couldn't transport myself back to that earlier, simpler time when someone looked at me with such uncomplicated love.

 

Jay eventually found me and I took my place at his side again, but by nine PM, I was done for. If I had to tolerate Eleazar touching my arm with too much familiarity one more time, I was going to scream. So I pleaded a headache and begged Jay to take me home.

 

“But B, don’t you get how important this is?” he whispered in my ear.

 

“Jay, it’s just a Christmas party. How well you hold your eggnog is not going to make a difference in the next round of layoffs.”

 

He scowled at me, "Bella, I was hoping that you'd be a little more supportive of me. This is my career we’re talking about. Isn’t that important to you?”

 

I sighed and rubbed my forehead, my fictional headache now suddenly absolutely real. “I’m sorry Jay. It is important to me. You know that.”

 

“So help me out, here. You know how much I need you. They’re all coming after me. I need you on my side now. And if I don't have you, I don't have anybody. Right?" He nudged me gently, "You and me against the world, remember?"

 

I remembered. How could I ever forget?

 

I was being selfish, I knew it. Jay needed me to be there for him now. So I swallowed down my distaste and let Jay lead me back into the party, prepared to do all I could to help him out. After all, I owed him that much.

 

*

*

*

 

*

_ Edward- Present day _

__

“Come on, Edward. Just come out for a couple of drinks.”

 

I groaned and dragged both hands through my hair, tugging gently. The pull on my scalp made me feel slightly more alert. “Jesus, Alec, I’ve been on duty for thirty hours. I just want to go fall into bed and sleep until I have to come back.”

 

“Edward, you live at this fucking hospital. Now I demand that you come out with me and have just one drink.”

 

I sighed, knowing there was no way Alec was backing down. “I don’t have any clothes here,” I mumbled half-heartedly, waving a hand at my scrubs.

 

“Fuck it. I’m going in scrubs, too. The chicks dig it. Scrubs are like a fucking magnet.”

 

I snorted dismissively. “A magnet for chicks shopping for single doctors. Just what I need.”

 

Alec shook his head sadly. “Some of us will take all the help we can get, man. Jesus, with your looks, plus the doctor thing, you could be cleaning up.”

 

“I don’t want some chick who’s interested just because I’m a doctor.”

 

“Quit being so damned picky. You’re allowed to have a little fun, you know.”

 

Alec gave a crude thrust of his hips to indicate exactly what kind of fun he meant, and I flinched in distaste. “I’m not some monk, Alec. I’m just not all that interested in the random hookups. It was fine when we were in med school, but I’m twenty-eight now. It just seems a little, I don't know...juvenile.”

 

“So go get yourself a girlfriend then, if you’re in the market for more.”

 

“Yeah, but I live at this hospital, as you so helpfully pointed out. Where am I supposed to meet a girlfriend?”

 

“Well, you start at the bar. Now, let’s go.”

 

Alec was shrugging into his coat and pulling on his gloves. I sighed in defeat, grabbing my coat out of my locker and following him out of the staff lounge.

 

Mulligan’s Bar was crowded and noisy, everything I didn’t want when I’d been awake this long. I’d slugged back a beer within a few minutes, and was now moodily casting glances around the bar while Alec regaled me with tales of the surgical residents trying to steal patients out from underneath each other. There were half a dozen women scattered around us, barely taking their eyes off our table. The attention made Alec stand up a little straighter and talk a little louder, but it didn’t do anything for me. It was the same overly made up faces, the same strategically revealing clothes, the same bright, false smiles I’d been looking at in this bar for three years now. The bar was just two blocks from the hospital, and women in the market to hook up with doctors hung out here every night. During my residency it came in handy, a convenient hunting ground. But now…none of it really interested me anymore.

 

“Alec, I’m going for another beer,” I said, when he paused for air. “Do you want anything?”

 

“No, I’m good. Hey, check it out,” he tipped his head towards the bar, towards a lanky blonde girl who was ostensibly chatting with her friend, but she’d angled her body towards me and was checking me out not-very-subtly. She was pretty enough. Her body was nice. I imagined her naked and underneath me, and felt a flutter of interest. I might have been bored sick of the bar scene, but I was still a guy and she wasn’t repulsive.

 

I slid off my stool and ambled over to the bar, purposefully choosing an open spot right next to her. She gave me a sly little smile as I leaned in to get the bartender’s attention and I gave her a tight smile and a tiny tilt of my chin in greeting. Her smile broadened instantly.

 

“Hey,” she said softly.

 

“Hey,” I replied, turning to face her.

 

Her name was Kristy, or Kirstie, or something. She worked at a publishing house. Or maybe it was a magazine, I wasn’t too clear on it. She didn’t really want to talk about herself anyway, she wanted to talk about me. Or rather, she wanted to ask me questions about myself. They seemed innocuous enough. Where did I go to school? Oh, Dartmouth! That was Ivy League! What about med school? Columbia! She exclaimed over that forever. Where was I going when I was done with my residency? When I told her Lenox Hill had asked me to stay on, I thought she might faint dead away.

 

Kristy, or Kirstie, was certainly making it clear she was available and interested. She leaned in close to me and used any chance she could to touch me. But all the questions were killing my interest fast. I was on the verge of asking her if she’d like to cut to the chase and just request a credit check when I noticed Alec getting shot down by her friend and retreating to our table. Fuck it, I was cutting my losses and bailing on this bullshit.

 

I stood abruptly and made a quick excuse. Kristy/ Kirstie looked horror-stricken that I was leaving, so I averted my eyes as I told her it was nice meeting her and then I beat a hasty retreat.

 

“What the fuck, man?” Alec cried as I approached the table. “She was totally into you! Where are you going?”

 

“Home. I’m beat, Alec, and I’m really not in the mood to chat with some chick who thinks combing through my financial prospectus is a great alternative to foreplay.”

 

Alec sighed heavily. “Yeah, her friend sent me packing. I think I might cash it in, too. There’s always Friday night, I suppose.”

 

“Not for me. I’m going out of town this weekend,” I said, sliding into my coat.

 

“Oh, that’s right. A wedding, right?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, my roommate from college. At least it’s in Chicago. Maybe I can look up some old friends.”

 

Alec waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively. “Weddings are awesome places for getting laid, man.”

 

“Not for me, not this one. I’m there for one thing only, and that’s handing over the ring.”

 

Alec clapped me on the shoulder as I zipped my coat. “Never turn your nose up at cute, single bridesmaids, my friend.”

 

I shook my head and laughed but I didn’t say anything as I followed him out into the cold, desperate to just fall into my bed and sleep; grateful, at least for this one night, to be doing it completely alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. The Kick Inside

_ Bella _

_Close your eyes and let it all go._

 

I tried to tell myself that. I let my head tip back on the seat and my mind clear of the day’s mundane little trials as the music from my iPod filled my ears. But it wasn’t working. I could shake off the stupid drudgeries from work easily enough. It wasn’t hard to forget about my job, the incomprehensible technobabble from the engineers which I had to turn into blandly-worded manuals that the average third-grader could understand. It was so easy to leave that behind when I shut my computer down every day. And I could just as easily leave behind my petty, small-minded co-workers and their daily internal squabbles and turf wars.

 

But as soon as my bus reached my stop, I’d still have to face Jay, and that was becoming a whole new kind of misery.

 

I hoped he might not be home yet, but that was probably a fruitless wish. The paper had cut his hours back, so he was almost always there when I got home, sprawled on the couch, well into his second beer, staring with unseeing eyes at the nightly news. At least I would be busy tonight, packing. That would keep me out of his way. And of course tomorrow morning I was leaving for Chicago and Alice’s wedding for four whole days.

 

My bus shuddered to a stop and I made my way to the front, chastising myself internally for looking forward to escaping from Jay so much. I was supposed to miss him, I was supposed to be sorry that he wasn’t coming with me. Instead, I was pathetically excited about this trip and his absence from it. I couldn’t wait to get on that plane tomorrow and fly away from him.

 

I wanted to drag out my short walk from the bus stop, but the weather was raw and wet and I just wanted to be inside even if it meant I’d also be closed in with Jay’s oppressive presence. I let myself into our tiny rental house quietly, dropping my bag on the table inside the front door. I took just a minute to sort the mail and hang my keys on their hook, all the little tasks to keep me busy and distracted.

 

Finally I made my way down the hall to the living room. Jay was there on the couch, exactly where I expected him to be, bathed in the flickering blue light of the television. He was lying on the couch, beer balanced on his chest with one hand. I never could understand how he spent so much time on that couch. It was black leather, hard and uncomfortable. But then again, he picked it out, I guess for a reason. He must have liked it.

 

“Hey,” I said tentatively.

 

“Hey, B,” he mumbled, never taking his eyes from the television.

 

“How was your day?”

 

He made a face. “Same shit. Eleazar is talking about me behind my back again.”

 

“I’m sure you’re imagining that, Jay. Why would he…”

 

“You’re not there, B, you haven’t seen how it is. I’m telling you, the bastard is out to get me.”

 

I held up my hands to ease him off. He was so touchy these days. I never knew what would set him off.   
  


“Sorry, sorry. Look, I’m going to get changed and make us some dinner.”

 

Jay waved a hand absently towards the kitchen. “I grabbed a pizza on the way home.”

 

“Oh…okay. Well, I’m going to go start packing, then.”

 

“Packing?”

 

“Alice’s wedding, Jay. I’m leaving tomorrow morning, remember?”

 

He groaned, “Why are you leaving me, B?”

 

I rolled my eyes and my shoulders sagged. “I’m not _leaving_ you, Jay. I’m Alice’s Maid of Honor. I’ll be back on Sunday. You know this. And you could have come, you know. You were invited.”

 

He just scoffed and shook his head, his eyes staring blankly at the screen.

 

Every time the subject of Alice’s wedding came up the excuse was different. They were my friends, not his. Alice didn’t like him (that was sort of true). Things were too uncertain at his job for him to get the time off. He was afraid the plane would crash. Yes, he really said that to me. Eventually I quit even asking him, and found myself feeling grateful that he was staying home instead.

 

I sighed and turned towards the bedroom, ready to be done with this conversation. Something needed to change. This tense limbo was killing him. He used to be sweet and funny and charming. Yes, he’d always been prone to these self-pitying funks, but never like this, and never for so long. Sometimes, I actually found myself hoping he’d just lose his job once and for all, because then at least he’d know and he could move on. But I had a bad feeling that it wouldn’t be so easy for Jay.

 

I spent half an hour digging hopelessly through my closet looking for suitable things to wear for the weekend. This wedding, true to everything I’d ever known about Alice, was shaping up to be one for the ages. She hadn’t distributed my official itinerary yet, although I didn’t doubt for a second that one existed, but there were certainly going to be a lot more events than just the wedding itself.

 

The problem was that my wardrobe just didn’t really provide a lot of options for dressy occasions. I had almost no call for clothes like that in my life anymore. I didn’t want to bring the black sheath dress I wore to the _Inquirer’s_ holiday party a few weeks ago. That was a bad night full of unpleasant memories and the dress seemed permanently tied to them now. But I didn’t have a lot of other options, so the black dress went into the suitcase. Staring at my dismal closet looking for better choices was depressing me, though, so I moved on to the bathroom.

 

As I packed up my toiletries, I could hear Jay in the office on his laptop. He was typing furiously, muttering to himself. I had no idea what he was up to, but I was glad that he’d apparently found some outlet for his unhappiness. At least he was sitting upright and functioning and leaving me out of it.

 

My cell rang and I scrambled to fish it out of my bag, where I’d left it. Alice.

 

“Ally!” I sang out as I walked back to the bedroom.

 

“Sweetie!”

 

“How are you holding up, doll?”

 

Alice gave a huge, exhausted sigh. “Oh my God, B. You have no idea. It’s insane. Tell me again why we didn’t just elope to Hawaii?”

 

“Because you’ve been planning this day since you were five.”

 

“Hmm, you’re right. Although I’m glad I eventually re-thought that unicorn ice sculpture.”

 

I laughed out loud at that. She wasn’t kidding. There had been plans, carefully drawn out in crayon on construction paper…with glitter. “No, really. How’s it all coming together?”

 

“Oh, it’s good. Complicated and disaster-prone, but I’ll make it happen by sheer force of will. I just can’t wait for you to get here! I need you, B!”

 

“Soon, doll. This time tomorrow I’ll be there, at your service. Your Maid of Honor slave.”

 

“Mmmm, my maiden slave, huh? I _love_ the sound of that!”

 

I heard a low male voice murmuring in the background and Alice shrieked, her voice reverberating into my cell.

 

“What the hell is Jasper saying?”

 

Alice came back on the line laughing, “He said if he’d realized that maiden slaves were part of the deal, he’d have bought into this wedding racket years ago.”

 

“Well, I have news for him. He only gets one maiden slave and that’s you. But he should know that the maiden ship sailed for you years ago.”

 

“Hey, woman! I resemble that remark!”

 

I laughed hard and it felt…so _good_. “Oh, Ally, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see you.”

 

“Ah, B, me too. It’s so unfair that you live so far away.”

 

“Don’t cry!”

 

“Okay...okay!” she said in a high, pinched, little voice. She was totally crying.

 

“I’ll be there tomorrow and we’ll have four whole days together. Whenever I can drag you away from the wedding madness, anyway.”

 

“I know. It sucks that I’ll be so busy. But Angela will be here!”

 

“I know! I’m so excited to see her again.” Angela had gone to DePaul for grad school and ended up settling in Chicago as well, so Alice saw quite a bit of her. I envied them so much sometimes.

 

“And the rest of the wedding party is great, Bella. Jasper has great friends. I think this weekend will be really fun for you.”

 

“I’m looking forward to it, Ally,” I sighed heavily and let my head fall back on the bed. “You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to it.”

 

“So…” she began with that false-casual tone of voice I knew so well, “Is Jay still staying home?”

 

“Yeah. He just can’t get away from work right now. He’s really sorry to be missing it.”

 

I thought she snorted dismissively, but I let it go. I knew she didn’t really like him, it was no big secret. But we had an unspoken agreement to not discuss it unless absolutely necessary.

 

“Well, Ally, you know how I am. I leave in eight hours and I’ve only just started packing.”

 

“Go, go, go! Although you know I’m taking you out for new stuff when you get here.”

 

“Stop, Bridezilla! I don’t want to hear it! I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Yes! Oh, God! Tomorrow! B, I’m so excited!”

 

“Me, too, honey. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too. Be safe!”

 

I disconnected the call and just lay back on the bed for a minute, clutching my cell like a lifeline. Sometimes it physically hurt to hang up the phone with Alice. It seemed impossible that she lived so far away from me. She was supposed to be in my life every day, not just relegated to a phone call or two a week. It felt like there was a permanent hole in me where my daily Alice used to be.

 

I exhaled heavily and plugged my phone in to charge for the night before heading in to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Jay still hadn’t emerged from the office, which was fine with me. I had to get up early for my flight the next day, and I really just wanted to crawl into bed and count down the hours until I was on the plane flying towards Alice.

 

But when Jay heard me getting ready for bed, he shut down his computer and came to bed, too. He barely spoke, the tension evident on his face. As I turned out the light and settled on my pillow, his arm came down across my waist, his fingers beginning to massage my hip. He buried his face in my neck.

 

“B, I’m going to miss you so much.”

 

I wasn’t really into doing this tonight. In fact, it was probably the last thing on earth that I felt like doing. But he needed me and the comfort of our relationship. And I was leaving him at his lowest, which was making me feel really guilty. So I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. It was cropped short now, not long like it had been when we first met. He pushed my oversized t-shirt up my ribcage and his hand found my breast. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get into it. Jay thrust his hips against my thigh and I could feel that he was already plenty into it. He was breathing hard against my shoulder, kneading my breast.

 

Jay reached down and pushed my panties off my hips and I helped him the rest of the way. He ground himself into my hip and groaned.

 

“B, you feel so good, baby.”

 

I mumbled something incomprehensible in response and tried not to think of Jay’s hands stroking my breasts, my thighs. Instead I tried to just imagine _hands_ , anyone’s hands, making me feel good. By the time Jay shifted over me, I was marginally into it, thinking if I could keep going, maybe I could come and that would make me feel better about everything going on with us. He pushed himself into me and moaned against my skin, his arms wrapped so tightly around me that I could barely breathe. I wanted to get on top so he could touch me and make me climax, but all too soon I felt him gasp and stiffen and he was done. So much for me.

 

“That was great, B,” he mumbled as he rolled off of me, already drowsy. His eyes closed and within moments, his breathing evened out and I knew he’d fallen asleep.

 

I lay there for a moment, staring at him. His short, tousled blonde hair fell across his forehead, not quite reaching to his prominent brow bone. His eyebrows were nearly permanently furrowed, and it always made him look a little angry. I took in his short, perfectly straight nose, his high cheekbones, the hollows beneath them that had become more pronounced as he got older, his slightly full, pouty lower lip. When I first met him, I thought he looked a little fierce and intense; good-looking in his way. He was still good-looking; I could see that, objectively. But I was startled to realize that I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at him and felt a jolt of attraction.

 

_Jay loves me._

 

Scolding myself didn’t help. I still lay there and looked at his face and felt…nothing. I was freaking myself out, so I slid out of bed and padded to the bathroom to clean up. What a lousy fucking girlfriend I was.

 

I was standing at the sink, washing my hands as I glanced up at my own reflection in the mirror. It was some sort of flash of clarity or something, a brief parting of the clouds that let me see myself, really see myself, for what felt like the first time in ages. What had happened to me? I was only twenty-six, but I looked older and so tired. Like the life had been sucked clean out of me. I was always pale, but my skin looked positively ghostly. My dark eyes were flat and dead. I was a shadow of myself. Where did I go? I knew I wasn’t always this person, this half-dead girl I was looking at. What made me like this?

 

As I stood there in my bathroom at midnight, staring into my own eyes in the mirror, my mind whispered the answer to me.

 

_I don’t love him anymore._

 

It broke over me with a startling, undeniable clarity, leaving me breathless.

_I have to leave him._

 

The thought shook me so thoroughly that I had to sit down with a thud on the edge of the bathtub. My hands were shaking, and a cold sweat broke out across the back of my neck. I clenched my hands into my hair and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold it together and not cry.

 

I didn’t love him and I hadn’t for a long time. How had this happened? How had I allowed myself to slip into this stifling, dead-end relationship with him? I was dying here; this relationship was slowly killing me. I needed air, I needed out, and I needed it now.

 

Then I felt guilty, miserably, overwhelmingly guilty. Jay was so unhappy, he was at his lowest, and all I could do was think about how unhappy _I_ was. He needed me and dammit, I owed him my support.

 

After all, it was Jay who’d been there for me when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, even though he and I had only just started dating and we weren’t even that serious about each other. It was Jay who’d helped me do the research and make the phone calls. He was the one who helped me arrange doctors’ appointments and in-home nursing. And when Charlie died just six short months after diagnosis, it was Jay who helped me plan the funeral and pack up and sell the house. And it was Jay who cajoled me back to Seattle, encouraging me to try to finish school even when all my classmates and friends had graduated and moved on, even Alice. He even moved me in to his apartment so I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. He’d been amazing, my rock, the center of my world.

 

And I was going to leave him.

 

The thought made my stomach twist with anxiety and misery. How could I do this to him? But how could I stay? Jay loved me, but he was suffocating me, killing my soul, killing me, a little bit more every day. I couldn’t believe I had stayed so long, but I knew why I did. I was afraid. I had no one anymore, except for Alice, and she lived halfway across the country, and my mother, who was no support at all. I wasn’t even sure where she was right now. There was only me here with Jay. Me, working in a job I hated, living with a man I didn’t love. I felt trapped.

 

I let myself ponder the logistics of it for just a minute as I tried to get my breathing back under control. I had a little money from Charlie’s pension and life insurance that was in my name alone. Everything else I owned, Jay owned, too. It was terrifying and daunting. I didn’t know where to go, where to start. My eyes stung with tears again.   
  


Not now. I couldn’t have this freak-out now when Jay was sleeping in the next room. And there was absolutely nothing I could do tonight anyway. I was leaving tomorrow for Chicago, and with any luck, I could grab Alice to talk it through with me and help me to make a plan. That thought was comforting. Just the idea of being with Alice again was comforting.

 

With one more bracing breath, I stood up and pushed my hair off my face, preparing to go back in to bed. Something had crossed over in me. Even though on the outside, everything was just the same as it had been half an hour ago, I already felt distant and disconnected from Jay. And what we’d just done…the sex…it felt all wrong. I couldn’t bear to touch him again.

 

I crawled back into bed and curled on my side, as far away from him as I could get without falling out, but I didn’t need to worry; he was dead to the world.

 

I laid awake for an age, staring at the wall, trying to figure out how I’d gotten myself into this hopeless position, but there were no easy answers. There was no magic moment when I should have left, no tipping point moment when it all went wrong. It had started off good, and slowly, over time, it just twisted and transformed, a little at a time, until I was left with what it was now, something I no longer recognized. I stared at the ceiling and thought about the dead-end my life had become until sleep finally claimed me in the early hours of the morning.

*

*

*

I sat perched on the edge of our hard, black sofa, knees together, feet bouncing slightly as I waited in semi-darkness for my cab to show up. Jay never stirred when my alarm went off at an ungodly hour, and I didn’t wake him. I showered and dressed and threw the last items into my suitcase as quickly as possible before heading out to the living room to wait on the cab.

 

I left a short note on my pillow, telling him I’d call when I got to Chicago.

 

The living room was sparsely furnished and modern. I didn’t really like it, but it was all in Jay’s place when I moved in with him and it just sort of stuck. There was actually very little of “me” in this house, now that I looked around and thought about it. My collection of heavy wooden Pacific Northwest tribal carvings that Charlie had given me over the years were on display; but Jay said they gave him the creeps, so they’d been relegated to the topmost of the glass shelves along one wall. I hated those shelves. I was forever walking into the corners and giving myself terrible bruises. Jay picked out the shelves; he loved them. He also picked out the sofa that I usually avoided sitting on, because it was so hard and uncomfortable. And then there was the sisal rug that was scratchy and awful to walk on in bare feet, also Jay’s choice. There were the framed black and white photographs of some generic outdoor scenes on the walls. Jay’s, not mine.

 

No, there wasn’t much to show I even lived here. I had a flash of what I wanted in my own place, everything old and exotic and full of character, before the reality of “my own place” descended on me, making me feel sick. I heard the cab driver tap his horn out front, saving me before I panicked again. As I stood at the front door, I took one more glance around the house, wishing with everything in me that I was leaving for good and I would never have to come back and face the mess my life had become. Then I shut and locked the door behind me and headed for the cab.

 

O’Hare was massive. So much bigger than Sea-Tac. There were maps everywhere, but I still felt completely turned around. All I could do was follow each sign for Baggage Claim as I stumbled across them and trust that I’d get there eventually. Alice’s father was picking me up, and I hoped beyond hope that he was already there.

 

I adored Alice’s parents. With my mother out of the picture since I was six, and my father working long hours at the police station, they’d played a huge part in my childhood, standing in as parents when I otherwise would have been alone. They moved to Florida two years ago, though, so like everyone else I loved, I almost never saw them. Four days with them as well. It made me almost giddy.

 

Alice’s dad wasn’t at baggage claim when I got there, so I joined the huge crowd waiting at the dormant baggage carousel. People were so pushy, shoving up to the front when there weren’t even any bags there yet. I let them shove past me and fell back to the rear of the crowd where it was a little saner. My ride wasn’t here yet anyway, so what was the rush? I had Alice’s dad’s cell number scrawled on a little slip of paper, but in all the jostling, I realized I’d dropped it.

 

Scanning the floor frantically, I spotted it several feet away and lunged for it before it wound up stuck to somebody’s foot. As I crouched down to get it, I thought I saw someone’s face turn towards me in my peripheral vision. I thought maybe it was Alice’s dad so when I straightened back up, I took a look. Someone was looking at me, alright. Not Alice’s father. Someone amazing.

 

His face…

 

I swear I couldn’t look away for what felt like several endless seconds. Cheekbones and tousled hair and intense eyes and unbelievable lips. The man made my head spin a little bit just from looking at him. He was beautiful and tall and…oh, my God, he was still looking at me like I was a crazy woman because I was standing there with my mouth open and nearly drooling on myself. He was scowling a little now, his heavy brows pulled together. Ugh…I was an embarrassment. They shouldn’t let me out with ordinary people. Poor man, being visually accosted by me while he waited for his bags.

 

I closed my eyes to clear my head and shoved my way forward into the baggage claim crowd, pretending like I _hadn’t_ been just shamelessly ogling a handsome man at the airport. What the hell had just come over me? Whatever it was, it was past now. I’d just keep my eyes down until I got my bag and found Alice’s dad, and hopefully I wouldn’t see him again.

 

 

_ Edward _

 

I hated O’Hare. Whenever possible, I avoided it completely. And if the world were fair, I’d have bypassed it today, too. But when my earlier flight into Midway was cancelled, this was the best the airline could do and still guarantee my arrival in time for the beginning of the wedding festivities. I was still bemoaning the cancellation of that flight.

If I’d made that one, it would have landed three hours ago, and by now I’d be securely ensconced in my hotel room, drinking a beer, maybe catching up with Emmett. Instead, I was here, packed in with all these rude people waiting to claim my bag. And it was late enough now that I’d probably spend an hour or more stuck in traffic getting in to the Loop.

 

None of it was improving my mood, which was already a little sour at the prospect of spending four freaking days wrapped up in Jasper’s wedding. How could it possibly take four days to get married? It could when you were Alice Brandon, I suppose. I didn’t know her well, just a few dinners on my infrequent trips home to visit Chicago. But that girl was crazy. A real sweetheart and hopelessly in love with Jasper, but still crazy.

 

When Jasper first asked me to be in the wedding, I had stupidly thought that I could mix in a little personal recreation on this trip. I even got as far as sending out a few messages that I’d be in town to old high school friends on Facebook. A few girls from back then made it abundantly clear that they’d be delighted to see me again while I was home. But that was before Alice decided that my parents’ house was too far away to suit her needs. Now I was staying at the Regis with everybody else, under her thumb and at her beck and call for the whole four days. No ghosts-of-girlfriends-past for me. And my parents were out of town this weekend anyway, so I suppose in the end it didn’t really matter.

 

The baggage carousel for my flight beeped and started to move and I began to say a silent prayer that my suitcase had made it to Chicago with me. This weekend would suck even harder if my luggage went missing. I inhaled deeply, dragged a hand through my hair and started to shove my way to the front of the crowd.

 

A flash of movement to my left drew my attention. A girl was darting towards me. No, not towards me. Just in my direction. She stopped short of me and crouched to pick something up off the floor. Pretty. Her silky dark hair swung forward over her shoulders. Really pretty. I watched for a little bit longer. She wasn’t looking in my direction anyway, so it didn’t matter. She had amazing skin, pale and creamy, with the ghost of a blush across her cheekbones.

 

She stood up and her head turned towards me in one quick motion. Her face stopped me in my tracks. Beyond pretty. I felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach. Delicate little features, wide, dark eyes, and her mouth…

 

I took a deep breath, momentarily thrown by my unexpected and intense reaction, and in that instant, she turned around and was gone, swallowed up by the crowd. I craned to look over the heads of the people, but there wasn’t any sign of her. Damn.

 

Ah, hell, it wasn’t like I could do anything about it anyway. Wedding. For four days. I groaned out loud.

 

It took a solid ten minutes of shoving, but I did finally retrieve my bag and I headed across the terminal to go find the line for cabs. As I neared the exit, I caught sight of the girl again, this time running away from me and flinging herself into the arms of a tall, dark-haired older man. He rocked her so her feet swung back and forth, the way you would with a little girl, and she shrieked with laughter. The sound and the scene made me smile. She looked ridiculously happy. Must be her father.

 

Where do girls like that hang out, I wondered. Certainly not in the bars I frequented. I snorted derisively at the thought of a girl like her hanging off the bar next to the chicks trolling for doctors at Mulligan’s.

 

I paused just inside the automatic doors to wrap my scarf around my neck and button up my coat, and shot one last look at the pretty girl with her father. He was bent over, getting her carry-on bag secured to the top of her rolling suitcase. She was looking down at him, laughing at something he said to her. Then she straightened and pivoted as she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and just like that, we were staring at each other again. Alright, she was with her dad and I was about to spend four days in wedding hell, so it was pointless, but there was no way I was leaving this airport without letting her know that I saw her and thought she was lovely.

 

I smiled at her slowly and raised two fingers to my forehead in a little sort-of salute. She stared back, her eyes growing wider. Then, very slowly, she smiled her glorious smile in return. Her cheeks flushed with a beautiful shade of pink, and her eyelids fluttered down. That’s when her father said something to her again and she turned to answer. The spell was broken. I sighed heavily and braced myself for the bitter Chicago cold outside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Eyes of a Stranger

_ Bella _

 

“Why don’t you see if you can find us some sort of traffic report on the radio, Bellarina?”

 

“Sure thing, Colonel,” I replied. He shot me a sideways smile at the teasing use of his old nickname in response to his use of mine. I was the one who started calling him Colonel Brandon when Alice and I were kids, but it stuck, and for a long time absolutely everybody called him that. He had Alice’s coloring; her black hair, pale skin, and grey eyes, but where Alice was tiny, Colonel Brandon was tall, six-foot-four, and strapping. He was funny and kind and perpetually hounded by his highly-energetic wife and daughter. And he just might have been one of my favorite people in the whole world. I loved few people the way I loved Colonel Brandon.

 

I fiddled with the radio controls in the rental car and replayed that crazy little moment back at the airport in my head again. It was really nothing, but things like that just didn’t happen in my life. He was beautiful and magnetic, so the way _I_ was practically salivating over _him_ wasn’t surprising. When he caught me at it the first time I _thought_ it bothered him. He looked like he might have been angry, or at least irritated. But then after I met the Colonel and looked up to find him not twenty feet away, watching me, not looking _at all_ irritated, my heart stopped. And then that smile, like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, and the little salute. I got butterflies, actual _butterflies,_ when I thought about it. I hadn’t realized how invisible I had been feeling. But all it took was one little innocuous bit of eye contact with a handsome stranger in an airport to make me feel prettier and more desirable than I had in ages. The memory of him watching me was enough to keep me flying for hours.

 

Which was good, since the traffic into downtown Chicago was so bad, it looked like it would be hours before we got there. I didn’t mind, though. Since my own father died, I’d only become fonder of Alice’s parents. I really did want to hear all about the new condo in Tampa and the Colonel's latest far-fetched business venture, and about their crazy, sex-starved, eighty-year-old neighbor. I ate up every single detail.

 

Eventually, though, we were pulling up at the Regis, where a uniformed valet rushed out take the car while another uniformed porter came forward to retrieve my luggage. I guess the luxurious wedding weekend was officially underway. While Alice’s family was decidedly middle-class like mine had been, Jasper came from some serious old Southern money. With Jasper’s cash and Alice’s love of spectacle, this thing was bound to be one for the ages. Although over-the-top weddings were not really my thing, I was secretly very excited. There was very little in my life these days that was remotely luxurious or glamorous, so this wedding was like a vacation for me. A vacation with all of my favorite people in the world. I realized with a sinking sensation that I wasn’t including Jay in that grouping anymore, and I felt a stab of guilt in my chest again.

 

We scurried as quickly as possible from the car through the bitter Chicago cold and wind and into the hotel lobby. I silently cursed Alice for dragging me to Chicago in mid-December, but she’d always wanted a Christmas wedding, the cold be damned. From what she’d told me so far, though, the whole wedding and most of the related events were taking place right in the hotel, so at least we wouldn’t have to go outside all that much. I’d never been to Chicago before, but I wasn’t sure I was too keen on exploring it for the first time in these arctic conditions.

 

Colonel Brandon stayed with me the whole time I was checking in, chatting happily, which was good, because now that thoughts of Jay and what I was planning had invaded my head again, I was having a hard time dislodging them. First I was happy that he didn’t come with me, then I was practically leg-humping some strange guy at the airport, and now I wasn’t even missing him during my fun weekend away. All while he was going through a crisis at work. I felt like shit. How would I ever do this to him? And after all he had done for me? The worry and guilt was starting to eat away at my chest even as I kept up a steady stream of pleasant conversation with Colonel Brandon.

 

Once I had my key card, the porter retrieved my suitcase and herded us towards the bank of shiny, brass-plated elevators that would take us up to my room.

 

“Bellarina, I’ll take this young man on up to your room and get your suitcase all set up. Why don’t you hop off on five and go see Alice? She’s been desperate to see you since she woke up this morning.”

 

“Thanks, Colonel. That’s so sweet,” I said.

 

“It’s nothing. We’re just…” he trailed off, his normally booming voice sounding a bit gruff, “We’re just real glad to have you back with the family, Bellarina. Even if it’s just for the weekend.”

 

I smiled at him and kissed his cheek quickly, ducking off the elevator on five before either one of us could start crying.

 

I found room 512 and knocked. It swung open under my hand like Alice had her eye pressed against the peephole waiting for me. She didn’t even manage a coherent word, just a high-pitched, giddy squeal before she launched herself at me. I caught her thin little body against me and laughed, not really capable of forming words either.

 

“God, I thought you’d never get here! I missed you! I _need_ you!”

 

“Ally, calm down! It’s okay, I’m here now. I can help you with whatever you need,” I said reassuringly, certain that some part of her carefully-orchestrated plans had gone awry and that’s what she was so frantic about.

 

She planted her hands on her hips and scowled at me.

 

“No, I just _need_ you, Bella! How can you _possibly_ live so far away?”

 

Then she was dragging me after her into her suite, pulling my bag from my shoulder and stripping my coat off, throwing everything onto an arm chair. When I saw her last year, she’d been growing out the choppy, shag hairstyle she’d worn since college, and now her hair was a sleek little jet-black Louise Brooks bob. It was so different, but it suited her, setting off her tiny, angular features perfectly.

 

“The new hair is amazing, Ally. I love it on you.”

 

She beamed and struck a little pose, running a hand over it. “Right? I should have grown it out years ago.”

 

“You never had the patience to tough it out through the awkward in-between phases,” I reminded her, and she made a little face.

 

“So,” she said with a satisfied sigh, pulling me down onto the sofa with her, “tell me everything that you’ve done since we last talked, no matter how tiny and insignificant. I need a Bella fix and I need it _bad_."

 

I looked at her for a second, her happy, excited little face, and I flashed back on my midnight revelation, my decision to break up with Jay, my fear of ending it and being alone, and my guilt over doing it, and I was completely overwhelmed. Without a word, I started to cry. And then I started to sob.

 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Her face creased up in concern as she rushed to put her arms around me. She kicked off her stiletto heels and scrambled up on to the couch next to me, wrapping her whole body around me as I sobbed and shook. “What happened?”

 

“Jay,” I choked out.

 

“What did he do now?” she sighed.

 

“No, Alice, it’s _me_!”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I just can’t…I don’t…I don’t think I love him anymore.” Saying the words out loud brought on a fresh round of tears, and I descended into uncontrolled sobbing as it all came crashing down on me. Alice said nothing for a long time, she just rocked me gently back and forth.

 

“Did something happen?” she finally asked, softly.

 

“No. I mean, nothing new. Just the same stuff. He’s afraid he’s going to get laid off. It’s eating him alive. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. Then…I don’t know…last night it just sort of came on me in a flash. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t even know how long I’ve felt this way. I just can’t….I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Shh…shhhh,” she soothed me as I cried. “Bella, it’s really okay,” she said, pushing on my shoulders a little to get me to sit up and look at her. I sniffed loudly and looked up, getting myself under control.

 

“I know, Ally. It’s just that things are so awful for him now and here I am, contemplating dumping him on top of it. After everything he’s done for me…”

 

“Hey, he held your hand and helped you make some phone calls when Charlie died. That was four years ago. You don’t need to throw away the rest of your life on him out of some sense of obligation.”

 

Alice took a deep breath, like she had something else to say and wasn’t sure if she should. I looked at her expectantly. “What?” I finally prompted her.

 

“Well…” she started, then stopped, then started again, “Bella, when Charlie died, it seemed like the light just went out in you. I get it, it's totally normal. It would happen to anybody, losing him the way you did. But the thing is, Jay didn’t help re-light you. It was like he was happy to keep you in the dark as long as he could hang on to you.”

 

I shook my head forcefully. “Jay loves me.”

 

“He might love you, but it doesn’t mean he’s right for you. Or that he's good for you. Bella, if you don’t love him, you can’t stay. You know that, right?” she said softly, ducking down to peer into my face as she tucked my hair behind my ear.

  
I nodded wordlessly and sniffed again, fresh tears streaking down my face because I knew Alice was right.

 

“It’s just…leaving him, it’s so hard to think about.”

 

“I know. But you can do it,” she murmured, tipping her head close to mine, resting her forehead on my temple.

 

“I’m afraid of being alone,” I whispered. “I know that makes me a terrible coward…I hate that I’m even thinking that way. He’s just all I have, and it’s scary to think about walking away, starting over by myself.”

 

“Bella Marie,” Alice barked, using her nickname for me that she used whenever she was really serious. “You are _not_ alone. You have me…us, all of us. Mom, Dad, Jasper...just because you’re far away doesn’t mean you are _ever_ alone. Got that?”

 

I smiled at her and gave a snuffle, the worst of the crying past.

 

She reached up and took my face in her tiny hands, wiping away tears with her thumbs. “Remember what we used to say?”

 

I nodded and gave her a watery smile.

 

“Then let’s hear it!” she said, dropping her hands to grasp mine.

 

I sighed and rolled my eyes, but she’d made me smile. She smiled back and started.

 

“We are brilliant and beautiful and we rule the world!”

 

I joined in by the time she said “beautiful”, just the way I always did.

 

“God, Ally, I am so sorry,” I sighed.

 

“What the hell for?” she said as she smoothed my hair back out of my face. It felt so good, so comforting.

  
“This is your wedding, your big weekend, and I just walk in the door and drop all this drama on you. It’s really unfair of me.”

 

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “No more apologies,” she said sternly. “Now, this is your weekend as much as it is mine. It’s _ours_. There’s time to deal with all of that later and dwelling on it now won’t solve a thing. So from this point forward this weekend, no more brooding. Got it?”

 

I nodded solemnly.

 

“I positively forbid you to think about him. Just relax and have fun. Please?”

 

“I promise. No more dwelling. I really am looking forward to this, Ally,” I said earnestly, trying to make up for my earlier hysterics.

 

“Good,” she said, shooting to her feet and stuffing her feet back into her shoes before crossing to the table where several large binders were stacked. She fished through one and came out with a set of pages stapled together. She crossed back to me, waving it in my face. “Because this is your itinerary.”

 

“I knew it was coming,” I sighed, flipping through it, “but this is impressive, even for you, Ally.”

 

“Are you kidding?” Alice said, “Jasper’s mom has been dreaming of putting on an event like this since he was born. And you know how I am with the planning…I swear, the two of us together…Chicago never stood a chance!”

 

I laughed and leaned back on the sofa, now feeling lighter than I had in weeks, even in the face of the daunting schedule I apparently had ahead of me.

 

“First up,” Alice said, “is dinner tonight. Just the parents and the wedding party.”

 

“Isn’t that the rehearsal dinner?”

 

Alice made a horrified face, “Oh, no! That’s _Friday_ night. This is much more intimate. Just a little get-to-know you, since everybody is from all over. But it’s a great group. I think everybody will have fun together.”

 

“So is everybody here already?” I asked.

 

“The Best Man is getting in this afternoon. Delayed flight. But yeah, he’s the last one. So,” she switched her tone of voice completely and I knew what was coming next, “what are you wearing tonight?”

 

“Ally, whatever it is, I’m sure you won’t approve.”

 

She scowled and looked at her watch.

  
“It’s only three, we have a while until we need to be ready. There’s a little shopping esplanade downstairs with all kinds of cute boutiques. Let’s go find you something new.”

 

I rolled my eyes at her, “Alice, not this again.”

 

“Bella! You just cried your eyes out on my sofa the minute you walked in the door. You clearly need a little pick-me-up. Come on, it will make you feel better, I promise.”

 

I thought about that for a minute. A new dress, something to make me feel pretty and feminine, would be nice. God knows, it seemed like forever since I’d felt like that. Well, outside of Mr. Butterflies at the airport. Alice could see me wavering and went in for the kill.

 

“I’m the bridezilla! It’s my weekend. For me?”

 

“Is this the shit you’re going to pull all weekend to get your way?” I asked with mock severity, and she nodded eagerly. We laughed together and I let her pull me to my feet and out the door.

 

Confession time: the shopping trip did help me feel better. Not necessarily shopping for a dress, since that was never really my thing, but just spending some time with Alice. We wandered aimlessly for a long time, so caught up with chatting and laughing together that we forgot for a while that the point of this was to come back with a dress for me. Eventually though, Alice got down to business and started her hunt.   
  


I knew I needed to call Jay and let him know I’d made it okay, but I really didn’t want to talk to him. Alice was right. I needed clear my head and forget about this for the weekend. But at the same time, it was unkind not to check in. He would worry if he didn’t hear from me. Finally I settled on a text. If he really needed to talk to me, he would call back. I just really hoped he didn’t. I waited until Alice had gone to try on a blouse for herself and typed out a brief, emotionless message.

 

_Made it fine. Call if you need me. –B_

Please don’t call. Please don’t call.

 

Alice finally found a dress that she insisted I had to own. It was dark blue silk chiffon, fitted to the waist, with a deep v-neck and thin straps. The skirt was swishy and soft, skimming the tops of my knees. It was feminine and delicate and I felt prettier in it than I had felt in ages. We found a great shoe sale at one little boutique and I came away with some slightly dangerous dark gold heels. But it was just dinner, I didn’t have to walk around much, and Alice said they made my legs look ten miles long, so I was sold.

 

She decided our way up in the elevator to come back to my room with me and get ready there, so she called Jasper on our way up in the elevator and told him to meet us at the restaurant.

 

The afternoon was perfect with just the two of us. She put on some loud French pop music and we raided the mini bar for tiny bottles of booze while Alice curled my hair and did my makeup. It felt great, and if I closed my eyes I could almost imagine that we were back in college, getting ready to go out on a Friday, high on the endless possibilities held by the night before us.

 

Two hours later, we exited the elevator on the mezzanine level of the hotel arm in arm, bound for the restaurant there where everyone was assembling. Alice fixed her hair and makeup in my room, so we’d stopped by her room just long enough for her to slip into a tiny black halter dress and a pair of strappy patent red high heels. Once she’d moved to Chicago and gotten her first “real job” at a local culture magazine, she had left behind the crazier vintage clothes she wore in college, but she was still so effortlessly sophisticated in a way I envied.

 

We stopped just inside the restaurant so Alice could check in with the hostess and I saw a few familiar faces mingling at the bar. Alice’s parents, Jasper, and…

 

“Bella!”

 

“Angie!”

 

I threw my arms around her, straining on tip-toe to reach. She was stunning. She’d always been striking in her way, but in high school she’d been shy and nerdy, invisible to the unsophisticated boys in our small town. Then at UW, she’d been earnest and passionate, volunteering for Greenpeace, Habitat for Humanity, and Amnesty International, along with a dozen political candidates, all while maintaining a 3.8 GPA. The frat boys around us were more interested in that weekend’s kegger than in a girl as smart and driven as Angela. She’d hidden behind her thick glasses and she slouched when she walked to hide her height. But the woman in front of me was nothing like that. She was in heels, and she had to be nearly six feet tall. Angela had grown out her glossy black hair, and now it was a dramatic, silky curtain framing her face. And the thick, geek glasses had been replaced by sleek little black frames that set off her angular, dark eyes.

 

“Angela, you look amazing. Really,” I breathed.

 

She laughed, the same familiar soft and gentle sound. “You too! Just the same as I remember!”

 

She meant it as a compliment, but spending the afternoon with the now-chic Alice and seeing this transformed Angela, I wasn’t so sure looking the same way I had five years ago was such a good thing. Stalled. Like every other part of my life.

 

I shook off my dark thoughts so I could meet the slightly shorter, sandy-haired man hovering at Angela’s elbow. I’d heard about him, of course. Alice was inordinately proud of their relationship, since introducing them had been her idea. Ben taught at the college with Jasper, and once Alice met him, she said she was sure he was perfect for Angie. I had to hand it to her, she seemed to be right. He was delightful, I discovered, as the introductions were made and we exchanged a little small talk. Smart, dryly funny and self-depreciating. And completely crazy about Angie. It made my heart hurt a little to see his face when he looked at her.

 

Jasper approached us then. I’d known him for a few years now. Alice had insisted he accompany her home for a visit as soon as they started dating, since she was positive from the first night that she was spending the rest of her life with him. He was everything I never thought Alice was looking for. Laid-back, understated, and intellectual. But in the end, he filled in all her missing pieces, and after a while I couldn’t picture her without him. He fit himself seamlessly into our relationship and now I loved him like my brother. He kissed my cheek in greeting and professed to actually notice my new dress, although I could tell he only had eyes for Alice. Then he dutifully tucked my hand into the crook of his arm and pulled me into the room to introduce me around.

 

His parents, Marian and William Hale, were everything I was expecting. Both tall, both blond, both handsome and patrician. Marian, in her immaculate pink St. John’s suit, clasped my hand between both of hers and insisted that I call them Mims and Biff. Everyone did, apparently, and they seemed to actually like it.

 

Next were Jasper’s sister and cousin. Alice had mentioned the sister before, his twin, if I remembered correctly. This family’s genetics were insane, I decided. Rosalie Hale was every bit as tall, platinum and lovely as her parents, but where they were cool, elegant and slim, she was all stacked curves and sex appeal. I wracked my brain for details about her that I’d gleaned from Alice, but they didn’t match up with what I was seeing. She worked in investments, I thought; high finance. She’d been in New York, but moved to Chicago recently to take a position as CFO at a mid-sized manufacturing company. I stared at the tall blonde in the tight, black dress and tried to make “CFO” connect with the visual, and it just wouldn’t. She wasn’t helping either, greeting me with a tiny Mona Lisa smile and almost no words. Hmmm. She was a puzzle, for sure.

 

The astounding Hale genetics apparently dried up when they got to Jasper’s cousin, Mike. He was blond, and that’s where the similarities ended. He was shorter and stockier than any of them, but his baby face was open and friendly, and he shook my hand enthusiastically.

 

When Jasper and I had approached, Mike was completely absorbed in talking to a petite, curvy girl with huge hazel eyes and a volcano of light brown curls falling down her back. Alice appeared at my side then to introduce her as her co-worker, Jessica, and one of the bridesmaids. I was glad to put a face to her name, as Jessica and I had actually exchanged a few emails. The bachelorette party was technically mine to organize, but since I lived so far away, Jessica had contacted me and offered to step in, which I thought was really nice of her. But her no-nonsense email persona wasn’t matching up with the doe-eyed doll in front of me. She fairly radiated perky. I remembered Alice’s stories about her. They were nothing alike, and in any other situation they probably would have hated each other. But they’d started at the same time at the magazine, and they’d had the boss from hell. Surviving him (and ultimately teaming up to run him out of the company) had bonded them for life. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, for Alice’s sake. And since we were in the wedding party together, I’d have plenty of chances to get to know her this weekend.

 

The only other person in the room I didn’t know was Jasper’s roommate from college, Emmett. He was massive, practically bursting out of his finely-tailored suit as he lunged forward to shake my hand enthusiastically.

 

“Damn! It seems like _all_ of Alice’s friends are hot!” he blurted. I think I blushed and Jasper punched his arm.

 

“Dude! Behave yourself!”

  
“What? It’s a compliment! Right?” He looked at me expectantly and all I could do was smile and nod. He smiled back, and it was so warm and open that I liked him on the spot. And despite the actual words he’d spoken to me, I didn’t get any sort of vibe that he was in any way attracted to me. He just seemed genuinely delighted at the degree of hotness Alice’s friends possessed, and I found the whole exchange bizarrely charming. He brushed right past the moment, anyway, immediately offering to get me a drink, so I didn’t have a chance to dwell on it any further.

 

Alice was right. These were good people. I could feel it in the air. I was immensely happy to be where I was at that moment and full of anticipation for the four days ahead of me.

 

“Jazz,” Alice was murmuring behind me, “is he coming?”

 

“He’s running behind. He texted and said we should start without him. He’ll be right down.”

 

“Who?” I interjected.

 

“The Best Man,” Alice explained. “The one with the delayed flight. Well, if he’s on his way down, we should go on in to dinner.”

 

She moved away to talk to the hostess again, and her place was immediately claimed by Angela. We fell into an easy conversation, reminiscing about college and _New Moon_ as Alice ushered us all in to dinner. Alice and Jasper were at the head of the table and I was to Alice’s left. Happily, Angela was on my other side. The rest of the table filled up quickly, save for the empty seat across from me, for the absentee Best Man.

  
Angela and I kept up our conversation, talking about her job with a not-for-profit that promoted early childhood literacy. It was a perfect fit for her, and I marveled and delighted all over again at how she had seemed to completely grow into all her early potential.

 

Then she started telling me about the first time she met Ben, and how Jasper met her at the door when she arrived at their house, apologizing profusely in advance for the disaster he was sure would be the result of Alice’s matchmaking. I was laughing helplessly, able to picture Jasper's distress so clearly, when a low male voice coming from behind us interrupted her story.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I had to check in at work.”

 

Jasper smiled and stood up, speaking to the newcomer still behind me, “No worries. You know almost everyone here already anyway. I think the only real stranger in the wedding party is Bella, the Maid of Honor.”

 

Jasper indicated me with his hand as his friend rounded the head of the table to take his chair across from me. I looked up to say hello and my voice died in my throat.

 

The man from the airport. The smile and the salute. Oh, God.

 

I felt the smile fall from my face and my cheeks flush. He stopped in his tracks, his gorgeous, harried smile vanishing from his face as well as our eyes met. Judging from the way he was looking at me, he remembered me, too. I felt a tiny flush of satisfaction along with the overwhelming embarrassment. We were spending the whole weekend together and we’d just been eyeing each other shamelessly at the airport. This was going to be seriously awkward. Scratch that; it already was seriously awkward.

 

Jasper’s eyes cut from me, to his friend, and then back to me, seeming to pick up on the tension. Well, who wouldn’t? We were just staring at each other like morons.

 

“Um…” Jasper began tentatively, “Bella Swan, this is Edward Cullen, my roommate from Dartmouth. Edward, this is Bella, Alice’s friend from back home.”

 

He snapped out of it and arranged his face back into a pleasant smile, leaning forward across the table and extending his hand to me. I leaned forward and reached out to take it. His large, warm hand curled around mine, and I felt a shot of heat travel all the way up my arm. Christ, it really had been too long since I’d been properly touched by a man if a simple handshake from Jasper’s friend was rendering me weak in the knees. Good thing I was sitting down.

 

I released his hand almost immediately and smiled slightly at him.

 

“Nice to meet you, Edward,” I said.

 

“Nice to meet you, too…Bella,” he murmured, lowering himself into his chair across from me. I looked down at my hands while Alice and Jasper had a quick, whispered discussion about who was going to do the talking.

 

Of all the dumb luck. A huge airport like O’Hare, a huge city like Chicago, and the _one_ guy I was shamelessly checking out at the airport winds up being the goddamned Best Man. How was I ever going to look him in the eye without blushing? Because from the look on his face when he saw me, I was sure he remembered that moment...that connection. I chanced a glance back up at him and he was still looking at me, his gaze so intense it made me catch my breath. I met his eyes for just a little too long before I tore my eyes away to look at Alice. This was nothing but trouble.

 

Alice finally stood to make her little speech, and I was glad to have something to focus on besides the incredibly good-looking man across from me.

 

“Hi, everyone!” Alice began, “I won’t keep you long, I just wanted to say, from Jasper and myself, how perfect it is to have all our favorite people here in one place for our special day. It means so much to us that you came to share it with us. You’re all from different places in our lives, and it’s wonderful for us to bring you together like this, so you can get to know each other and see all the great things in each other that we see in you.”

 

Everyone around the table was suitably touched by Alice’s lovely words, but then the dinner service began, so she left it at that and we all focused on the meal. The food was wonderful, the wine plentiful, and Angela and I were having a great time catching up, with occasional input from Alice. I was able to successfully forget about Edward for long periods of time, although now and then when I’d look to Jasper, I would see him, too. A couple of times I thought he was watching me, but then I decided I was imagining it. After all, he looked…the way he did. I’m sure women checked him out like that all the time. It was certainly no big deal for him. A little embarrassing for me, to be sure, but surely nothing out of the ordinary for him. That’s what I kept repeating to myself, hoping it would sink in so I could look him in the eye sometime before Sunday.

 

Dinner wrapped up and we all filtered out of the dining room towards the exit, but everyone seemed to stall again at the bar. Alice ordered after-dinner drinks for everyone, so there was another impromptu cocktail party as everyone mingled and chatted.

 

Ben came to claim Angela, so I went to find the Brandons. I’d missed saying hello to Mrs. Brandon in that flurry of introductions. She saw me weaving through the crowd towards her and let out a loud squeal, throwing her arms wide. I laughed and threw myself into her steely grip. She was built just like Alice, tiny and birdlike, but where Alice had gotten her father’s dark coloring, Mrs. Brandon had artificially auburn hair that she wore in a high full twist on her head, and she was tanned to a burnished gold. Alice was effortlessly stylish, throwing on a ten-dollar sundress and making it look couture, whereas her mother was heavily groomed, highly made up, and perfectly, if somewhat brashly, coordinated. She was just a tiny bit vulgar and loud, and I loved her more than life itself.

 

“Sweetie pie!” she cooed, rocking me back and forth in her firm embrace. “We have just missed you to pieces! Haven’t we, Carl?”

 

The Colonel nodded in happy agreement as Mrs. Brandon held me at arms’ length, her face creasing up in a wide smile.

 

“More gorgeous than ever! How is that possible, sugar?” she beamed.

 

I laughed and twined my arm in hers, asking all the appropriate questions about the new condo and Tampa, and she happily talked my ear off for the next several minutes. She was telling me about her watercolor class at the art center when I felt someone approach me from the left. Glancing up, I saw that it was Edward, making his way through the crowd, his eyes intent on me. I figured that he must not know Alice’s parents, so as soon as he reached my side, I jumped into the introductions.

 

“Colonel Brandon, have you met Edward, the Best Man?”

 

“No, we seemed to miss each other today,” The Colonel said, smiling broadly, shaking Edward’s hand, “How are you, son?”

 

“Very good, sir,” Edward replied, and I smiled a little at his formal response.

 

“And this is Alice’s mom, Mrs. Brandon,” I continued.

 

He reached out to shake her hand, but in typical Cheryl Brandon style, she seized him by the shoulders and yanked him forward so she could kiss his cheek. Edward looked mildly shell-shocked when he straightened back up, so I decided to help him out and steer the conversation. After all, I had years of Cheryl Brandon experience under my belt.

 

“Mrs. Brandon has just been telling me about her art classes in Florida,” I said politely, channeling my very best Emily Post.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Mrs. Brandon enthused. “I tried to get the Colonel to sign up with me, but he’s too busy with his golf buddies!”

 

“I’m surprised that Jasper never mentioned that Alice’s father is career military,” Edward said, “You know, with his interest in military history and everything.”

 

Colonel Brandon looked puzzled. “I’m not career military. Left the service years ago and went into the private sector when Alice was just a kid.

 

A little line formed between Edward’s brows. “But you’re a colonel?”

 

I suddenly understood his confusion and started to laugh.

 

“No, he’s not really a Colonel!” I interjected, reaching out to touch Edward’s forearm before I realized what I was doing. He glanced down at my hand and then up at my face and I quickly dropped my hand away. “Uh, Mr. Brandon was in the Army when Alice and I were little kids. When I was twelve I read Sense and Sensibility, and I got all excited that I knew a real live Colonel Brandon.”

 

The Colonel jumped into the story, chuckling. “Bellarina here was so disappointed that I had never been more than a Lieutenant and that I wasn’t even in the army anymore at that point. So I told her that I would be happy to be a Colonel for her, and she started to call me Colonel Brandon...”

 

“And it just stuck,” I finished, smiling at him.

 

“I’ve been Colonel Brandon ever since! The whole damned family calls me that now!”

 

Edward laughed. “Then I’m sure I can’t be the only one who’s made that mistake.”

 

I smiled at him, keeping my voice light and teasing. “No, just the only one in this decade. But that’s okay. You’re new here.” I had no idea where that flirty version of me had just come from. What the hell was I thinking talking to him like that?

 

But Edward didn’t seem to mind. On the contrary, he met my eyes and smiled back as his expression darkened slightly. “Lucky for me I think fast. I’m sure I can keep up from here on out.”

 

It was an innocent enough exchange, so I couldn’t explain why my breathing suddenly sped up or why I felt so flush, or why it felt like we were suddenly the only two people in the room.

 

“Bellarina,” Colonel Brandon interrupted, and with an effort, I tore my eyes away from Edward’s dangerously pretty face and turned my attention back to the Colonel. “Cheryl and I want to go chat with the Hales about some of the out of town guests. We’ll see you tomorrow at breakfast?”

 

“Absolutely,” I replied.

 

“Bye, sugar,” Cheryl cooed, kissing my cheek with a smack. I surreptitiously rubbed her lipstick off my cheek with the back of my hand.

 

Colonel Brandon shook Edward’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Edward. At ease.” Then he winked at us, threw us a mock salute and they were gone.

 

Edward and I stood wordlessly for a moment, watching them walk away. I glanced over at him at the same moment he looked at me. He was just too damned good-looking. I couldn’t even look at his face without getting completely distracted. This was so inappropriate.

 

“So,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off mine, “are we going to talk about that thing at the airport, or pretend it didn’t happen?”

 

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I could feel the flush creeping all the way up to my hairline. I couldn’t believe he just referred to that moment so boldly. His eyes were still boring into mine, his perfect lips curling up slightly in one corner. He leaned in just a little bit closer and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

_Say it, Bella._ This is where you say _“I have a boyfriend”._ I knew I needed to open my mouth and spit the words out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It wasn’t that I wanted to deceive him, exactly. I just knew what would happen when it was out there. He would shut down and he’d be distant and polite, and this…this spine-tingling, electric energy he made me feel would vanish. I didn’t want to let go of this just yet. But I also couldn’t lie. I couldn’t even lie by omission. I had to tell him.

 

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to do just that when Angela’s voice stopped me.

 

“Hey, Bella? Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to tell you that Ben and I are taking off for the night.”

 

“Oh….” I struggled to right myself mentally. “Right. Will you be at breakfast?”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

“Oh, good. Angela? It really is great to see you again. Let’s talk more tomorrow.”

  
We smiled warmly at each other and she reached out to hug me lightly. As she released me, I spotted Alice, hovering just behind her shoulder, her eyes bright and boring into mine.

 

“See you guys tomorrow.” I waved after Ben and Angela as Alice seamlessly stepped forward and hooked my arm with hers.

 

“Sorry, Edward, I need to steal her for a second.”

 

He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it and shrugged with a smile.

 

Alice pulled me towards the bar.

 

“Two Maker’s Marks, on the rocks,” Alice barked.

 

The liquor was set in front of us and Alice shoved my glass at me.

 

“So? What the hell was that all about?”

 

I lifted my glass to my lips and took a tiny sip, eyebrows raised.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

 

“Don’t you try that with me, missy. You know what. You and Edward. Do you know him from somewhere?”

 

“No. Well, not exactly,” I hedged nervously, looking anywhere but at Alice. As my eyes scanned the room, I saw Edward on the other side, drink in hand, talking to Emmett. As he spoke, he glanced at me, and I looked back for just a beat too long. Alice’s eagle eyes caught the wordless exchange.

 

“So you _do_ know him! You’ve been holding out on me!”

 

“Alice, geez, just chill!” I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut. “No, we never met until dinner. But we may have…seen each other at the airport earlier today.”

 

“And…?”

 

“I might have…sort of shamelessly checked him out.”

 

“And…?”

 

“And what?”

 

“Did he check you out, too? Because just now, he was _totally_ checking you out,” Alice was practically salivating in delight.

 

“He might have checked me out, too,” I grumbled. “But seriously, Ally, just leave it alone.”

 

“Why? He seems to like you…”

 

“I have a boyfriend,” I said reflexively. Oh, sure, _now_ it just trips off my tongue. Where were those words ten minutes ago?

 

Alice scowled. “A boyfriend that you’re about to dump.”

 

“ _Alice_ _!_ A boyfriend that I’m having some _problems_ with. A boyfriend that I still _live_ with.”

 

“But if he likes you and you like him…”

 

“It would be wrong, Ally. Look, whatever is going to happen with Jay will happen. But the fact of the matter is, I haven’t talked to him about it _at all_ and until I do, until Jay and I sort out whatever we’re going to do, then I’m still in a committed relationship. End of story.”

 

She huffed and looked like she was going to keep going, but Mrs. Brandon saved me by swooping in and demanding that Alice take her back to her suite and show her the pictures from her last wedding dress fitting. Alice shot me a look over her mother’s shoulder as they walked away that was loaded with meaning. She was so not going to let this go.

 

I glanced around the room quickly and spotted Edward, watching me. Then he set his empty glass down on the table next to him and purposefully started towards me. Trouble. He was nothing but trouble. And this situation was nothing but trouble. I dropped my eyes and pretended I didn’t see him and headed for the exit. I didn’t exhale until I was safely in the elevator alone. I was going back to my room to call Jay, just like I should.

 

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the polished brass panels lining the elevator.

 

“You’re a tramp,” I muttered angrily at myself.

 

Yes, Edward was astoundingly good-looking. And yes, every time I looked at him I felt a little boneless. And yes, knowing he was looking at me made me feel like I was flying; it made me feel beautiful and desirable again. But what I said to Alice was the truth. Jay and I had been together for over four years. We lived together, we had a joint checking account, joint utilities, our lives were entwined in a million different ways, big and small. I might have decided to end it, but that didn’t mean that I was free overnight. Edward, as dazzling as he was, would hopelessly confuse an already painful and confusing situation. He would hopelessly confuse _me_ , and I already had enough to deal with.

 

The next time he flirted with me, _if_ he flirted with me again, I would be honest and tell him about Jay, like I should have tonight. Then he would go to his corner and I would go to mine, and I’d be the same faithful, trustworthy girl who left Seattle this morning. It was too bad that I was so tired of being that girl.

 

 

 


	4. Storm Warning

__

_ Edward _

 

 

I leaned my forehead against the cool tiles of the shower in my hotel bathroom and let the scalding hot water sluice down my back over my tense muscles. Blindly, I reached a hand out for the faucet, and when I found it, I cranked the hot up a little further, sighing at the sensation.

 

I slept horribly last night. Well, first I stayed up too late, shooting the shit with Emmett and drinking too many beers in the hotel bar. But we never got to just hang like that anymore, so any morning-after pain from that was worth it. No, it was the restless sleep _after_ that which had me groaning in the shower this morning; the endless, erotic dreams starring a certain dark-eyed, dark-haired Maid of Honor.

 

Damn, of all the craziest luck. I heard her laughing as soon as I entered the room. And even though I didn’t know it was her, the sound caught my attention. Then when I rounded the corner of the table behind Jazz and looked up to see her beautiful dark eyes locked on me, I felt practically euphoric. Just a few minutes before, the whole weekend of wedding festivities stretched before me as an endless, tedious marathon that I would stoically put up with for the sake of my best friend’s connubial bliss. But in the moment that I saw Bella at that table and heard Jasper introduce her as the Maid of Honor, the weekend before me transformed into a landscape ripe with possibilities.

 

And the way she looked...if I felt punched in the gut when I first saw her at the airport, then seeing her at the dinner table stole my breath away completely. Her dark blue dress showed off a lot more skin than was on display at the airport, and all of it was flawless. Her hair was all loose and curly, and her legs, when I finally got a good look at them, were going to be taking up permanent residence in my fantasy life for some time to come.

 

Her face told me that she remembered every bit of our wordless encounter at the airport, even if she seemed a little embarrassed by it now. I guess that was understandable. I was probably the last person she expected to see in this setting. I know she was the last one _I_ expected to encounter, although I was beyond excited that I had. The excitement was just magnified when I shook her hand. I felt a thrill all over my skin the minute I touched hers. And that was just our fingers. I could hardly stand wondering about the rest.

 

I tried to pay attention to the conversation with Alice and Jasper throughout dinner, but really, I was planning and plotting. How soon could I talk to her alone? Should I bring up the airport? Would that be coming on too strong? And most of all, I was wondering exactly how long it would take before I could get that gorgeous girl into bed with me.

 

I still hadn’t made up my mind about the airport thing when I approached her while she was with who I now realized were Alice’s parents, but that seemed like a good neutral opportunity to talk to her. I hadn’t met them yet, so coming over there seemed reasonable. The conversation was relaxed and fun, even when she tripped me up with that Colonel bit. I loved watching her talk to them, how easy and familiar she was with them. I didn’t know a thing about her yet, but seeing her interact with them made me feel that she was genuine and down-to-earth, which was a completely novel and refreshing prospect.

 

As soon as they left us alone, the airport thing just came flying out of my mouth. At first I thought it was genius, because I could tell from her face that she’d been thinking about it just as much as I had. The way she blushed and stammered, I thought for sure that she was about to start flirting back and then….

 

First Angela interrupted, then Alice stole her away. The two of them were having some intense little pow-wow over at the bar, so I didn’t dare get in the way of that. Then finally, when Alice’s mother hauled her off and Bella was alone again, the second I started towards her, she bolted.

 

So maybe bringing up the airport thing was a little too forward. I must have come on too strong. It was the only thing that explained her running out of there like the place was on fire. I distracted myself with a little male bonding and beer with Emmett, but it wasn’t enough to keep Bella from showing up to play the starring role in my dreams last night. Best not to linger too long on those thoughts or this shower would get a whole lot longer. I sighed and straightened up to rinse off.

 

I toweled off and dressed quickly, since I was now running late to meet Jasper and Emmett. The only deal Jasper had made for himself during this whole weekend was to get Alice to cut the three of us out of any morning events, so we could have breakfast together. Since Jasper had settled in Chicago for his teaching position, I’d moved to New York for med school and Emmett had taken on his job with Cahill Consulting, spending almost all of his time on the road despite being technically based in New York, we never saw each other anymore.  We hadn’t all been in one place together like this since Dartmouth, so breakfast was going to be our time.

 

When I got to Jasper’s suite, the door was slightly ajar, but I knocked lightly anyway, in case Alice was wandering around in there naked or something.

 

“Come on in!” Jasper called.

 

He and Emmett were already sitting at the table, with an enormous spread of food in front of them. The room service cart was parked next to the table with more food on it.

 

“Emmett couldn’t wait,” Jasper said when he saw my face, “so we took the liberty of ordering for you. There’s pretty much one of everything on the menu here, so I think you’re covered. Coffee?”

 

“Yes, please. I’m dead,” I groaned, dropping into the chair next to him.

 

“Hey, man, I kept you up a little late last night, but it wasn’t that bad. You’re losing your edge,” Emmett laughed.

 

“No, it wasn’t that. I just…My head just wouldn’t shut down. I didn’t sleep well,” I mumbled.

 

Jasper and Emmett looked at each other briefly before looking back at their food. Shit. They’d been talking about me, I could tell. Well, I wasn’t all that subtle last night with Bella, I pretty much stared at her all night long like some creep. I was sure Jasper noticed it. Fine, so they know. If that was the case, then I didn’t have to feel awkward about pumping him for information. Okay, it was still a little awkward, but fuck it. The opportunity presented itself, I was taking it.

 

“So, Jazz…” I began. He pushed a cup of coffee at me as he looked up, one eyebrow cocked questioningly.

 

I busied my hands buttering a piece of toast to avoid looking at him as I spoke.

 

“Bella…”

 

“Has a boyfriend,” he said tersely.

 

Goddammit. That explains it, why she ran away like that.

 

“Is it serious?” I heard myself asking. I did not honestly just say that out loud, did I? Emmett ducked his head and snorted in laughter, so I guess I did.

 

“Four years,” Jasper responded, “She lives with him. I think…there might be some trouble there, but I don’t know anything for sure.”

 

I didn’t say anything; I just nodded, eyes on my coffee.

 

“Just…be really careful, man,” Jasper went on, “Her situation is tricky, and I know Alice is worried about her.”

 

I put a hand up, “Look, if she’s involved with somebody, that’s that. I won’t cause any trouble.”

 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Emmett whined.

 

I scowled at him, “Em, I’m not going to pull some scandalous crap and seduce the _very taken_ Maid of Honor at Jazz’s wedding. I’m sure Alice would never forgive me.”

 

Jasper chuckled, “Actually, she’d probably buy you a drink or twelve. She hates him.”

 

“Who? The boyfriend?”

 

“Yeah, Jay. I met him once last September when we were out there. Kind of a loser, if you ask me. Bella’s a great girl. She could do a lot better.”

 

That was the last thing I needed to hear. Not only was she taken, but taken by a loser who didn’t deserve her.

 

“How is it that the assholes get all the good girls?” Emmett asked, shaking his head.

 

“Well, they don’t _always_ ,” Jasper said, “or else you’d have landed my sister years ago.”

 

Emmett’s hand shot out to smack the back of Jasper’s head, and he ducked away, laughing. “Seriously, Em,” he said, “how much longer are you going to chase Rose around?”

 

“Until I catch her,” Emmett said with a shrug.

 

“I’m sure it doesn’t help that you’re never in one city more than a couple of days,” I said.

 

“I can’t help that, it’s my job.”

 

“I’m just saying,” I continued, “I think Rose is looking for somebody a little more stable and secure.”

 

“Really?”

 

I laughed a little and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, Em. Really. I know she _looks_ like a…” I was about to say porn star, but then I remembered who I was talking about and shot a quick glance at Jasper. He knew what I was about to say, so I backpedaled furiously. “She looks like she’s all tough and independent. But I think Rose craves security more than anything else.”

 

“You think?”

 

“Em, she relocated to Chicago from New York, left that kickass position she had, just to be closer to Jazz when he moved here.”

 

“I never thought about it like that before,” he murmured, “But why do you think she never gave me a shot when we were in college?”

 

For such a smart guy, Emmett could be so clueless.

 

“Em,” I said, “you only ever saw her for the occasional weekend when she came to visit Jazz. What kind of a relationship were you going to have with her like that? Plus, you may have forgotten this, but the rest of us haven’t. You were a total player in college. Everybody knew that. There was no way Rose was going to sign on to be another notch in your bedpost.”

 

Emmett had the good sense to look slightly embarrassed by his whorish past. I could tell by how quiet he got after my little speech that he was seriously thinking about it. We all knew he’d carried a torch for Rose since the minute he met her, but she’d always shut him down, even though I suspected that a part of her really wanted to say yes. I’d like to see the two of them figure it out and get it together, and I wondered if this wedding weekend wasn’t exactly what they needed to make that happen.

 

“Alright,” Jasper said loudly, “are we going to paint each other’s toenails next, ladies? Can we talk about sports or something? Please? Between all the wedding shit and the two of you going all emo over girls, I seriously think my balls are about to shrivel up and fall off!”

 

“I am absolutely _not_ emo over a girl, Jazz. Forget I said anything. It’s ancient history,” I said, making a big show of helping myself to breakfast. But I didn’t miss the significant look exchanged between Jasper and Emmett. They were never going to let me live this one down.

 

 

 

_ Bella _

 

Jasper’s mother had reserved a private dining room in the hotel for a group breakfast buffet every morning, for anyone in our party who wanted to come. When Alice told me about it, I thought it was a bit over the top and extravagant, but now that we were all settled in, laughing and talking, I was glad she’d done it. It was mostly women; Jasper had arranged to get out of breakfast every morning, something about bonding time with his old Dartmouth roommates. That meant Edward wasn’t here either, and I was doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that I barely noticed.

 

Alice was holding court at the head of the table, in close consult with her mother and Mrs. Hale… _Mims_ … about which relatives and friends were arriving in Chicago today and which were arriving tomorrow. I was spending the leisurely breakfast catching up with Angela. She was telling me all about her job and life in Chicago and Ben, and I found myself just listening and smiling in delight at how perfect her life seemed to be now. Both she and Alice seemed to have it all laid out just right. Once again, I felt the gap opening between us, as their lives, both professionally and personally, were falling into place just as mine was falling to pieces. Angela asked all kinds of polite questions about Jay, Seattle, and my job, but I had nothing I wanted to say about any of it, so I just kept steering the conversation back to her.

 

Angela excused herself to go get some fruit from the buffet table by the windows, and I refilled my coffee.   
  


“Hey, Alice,” Angela called to her, peering out the window, “Have you checked any weather reports today?”

 

“No, why?”

 

“Well, it’s looking really miserable outside. It’s already starting to snow, and look at the sky. I think we’re going to get buried.”

 

“Really?”

  
“Yeah,” Angela said, coming back to the table, “don’t you have a lot of people flying in today?”

 

Alice’s face fell. “Crap. If flights get cancelled, it will be a disaster.”

 

“Well, maybe we should make some phone calls, check in with the people traveling today, and see what their plans are,” Angela suggested.

 

“Oh, good idea! I have contact numbers for everyone on the master guest list.”

 

“Of course you do,” I drawled. “Angela’s got a good idea, Alice. We all have cell phones, let’s get together in your room and we can split up the list.”

 

“Are you sure, guys?” Alice asked, “My guest list isn’t really your problem.”

 

“Ally, don’t you remember? Maiden slave? Now let’s go.”

 

Alice led the way; Angela, Rosalie, Jessica and I followed. Mrs. Hale and Mrs. Brandon left for their rooms, to round up alternate numbers for some family members. When we got back to Alice’s suite, we found Jasper, Emmett and Edward just finishing their breakfast. When Alice explained about the weather to Jasper, he quickly turned on the weather channel.

 

The news was not good. Eight inches were predicted to fall in the next six hours in Chicago. It was supposed to stop entirely by mid-afternoon, but it would undoubtedly snarl flights for the day. Alice explained Angela’s suggestion about calling the travelling guests, and Jasper, Emmett and Edward quickly volunteered to pitch in.

 

Angela took over the guest list, and in minutes had generated a list of the ones flying into Chicago today, and a secondary list of tomorrow’s travelers. She split it up and we each took our designated guests, cell phones at the ready. It was a little awkward, calling up random members of the Hale family and introducing myself as Alice’s Maid of Honor and asking if they had checked with their air carrier yet. But as soon as I explained what was happening with the weather in Chicago, they were all happy for the tip-off and scrambled for computers and phones. I left them all with my cell number and told them to call me back if they encountered problems.

 

I closed my phone as I finished with the last name on my list and sat back. The others were mostly still on their phones, making instant friends with strangers on a guest list. Well, if nothing else, it would a lovely icebreaker for the reception.

 

Edward was across the room from me, his head bent over his phone, his eyes half obscured by his unkempt russet hair falling forward. Absently, he ran one hand over the back of it while he spoke, making a fist around it. I found my fingers clenching reflexively at the sight. I pulled my eyes away from him; staring would certainly not help me manage this situation. At that moment, my phone buzzed in my hand.

  
It was Jasper’s Aunt Charlotte. Sure enough, her flight had been cancelled. She was on hold on her landline with the airline about re-booking, but they weren’t being particularly helpful in finding her alternate flights. I told her I would call her right back and hung up.

 

“Hey Alice, Jasper’s Aunt Charlotte’s flight’s been cancelled. I’m going to grab my laptop and see if I can’t help her out finding another flight.”

 

Everybody else thought that might be useful, so anyone with a computer left to retrieve them. I was half way to the elevator before I realized that Edward had left the room when I did, and he was right behind me. I smiled at him politely before cutting my eyes back to the elevator button and waiting. He said nothing. The elevator was slow. The silence began to stretch out and get uncomfortable. I heard him sigh deeply next to me, but I didn’t look at him.

 

“Look, about what I said last night…”

 

“I have a boyfriend,” I said quickly, interrupting him. My face immediately flushed, and I looked anywhere but at him.

 

He was silent for a second, then he said softly, “Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.”

 

I chanced a look at him now. He knew? Who had he been talking to about me? Jasper, obviously. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. A little embarrassed for sure, but slightly…flattered, too. Edward had his hands thrust into his pockets, his chin tucked into his chest, as he rocked slightly on his heels.

 

“It’s okay. You didn’t know.” This was awkward, painfully so. Where the hell was the elevator? Did they have hamsters on wheels running it?

 

“Yeah…so…can we just forget that happened?”

 

Now I looked at him, smiling a little as I said, “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

 

He looked back at me, something about his face telling me that he wasn’t so sure it was a good idea. The elevator finally dinged open and we got in. It was a silent ride to the seventh floor, and the atmosphere in the elevator was tense, Edward pressed into one corner and me into the other. When I got out on seven, Edward did too, and I looked at him questioningly.

 

“Seven oh seven,” he said, holding up his keycard.

 

“Seven oh five,” I replied. We were next-door neighbors. _Of course_. Edward beamed at me, clearly delighted with this piece of news. His smile did all sorts of crazy things to my insides. I thought we were supposed to be forgetting this thing that was happening between us, but he didn’t seem to want to. He just kept letting it happen.

 

I retrieved my laptop as quickly as I could, telling myself it was so that I could rescue poor Aunt Charlotte, but really, I was hoping to avoid another tense elevator ride with Edward. No such luck. He joined me just as I stepped in, leaning against the wall, smiling slightly to himself. We didn’t speak for the trip back to Alice’s room, but I can honestly say I’ve never been more aware of another person’s presence in my life as I was of his while we were trapped in that tiny, enclosed space.

 

Back in Alice’s suite, I set up on the now-empty sofa and plugged my laptop in. The sofa shifted, and I looked up to see Edward getting comfortable next to me.

 

He held up his power cord. “There’s an outlet. Do you mind?”

 

I suppressed a smile and waved him towards the outlet as I opened my laptop and got to work trying to help Aunt Charlotte find a flight.

 

Others returned with cell phone chargers and laptops. Jessica already had her phone glued to her ear with an airline, her voice cheerful but surprisingly commanding as she issued her demands. I was pretty sure that whoever was on the other end of that call was going to cry when they got off the phone. Jessica, for all the chipper cheer, was clearly not a woman to be messed with.

 

The morning passed quickly, each of us trying to rescue our assigned wedding guests, with the Weather Channel on in the background. I had Alice’s cousin Stephanie on the phone now. Her flight into O’Hare was cancelled and the few flights still scheduled into O’Hare were full. She was too far to make it by train; I had to get her on a flight, and was running out of ideas.

 

“Hang on, Stephanie. I’m googling a map of Chicago. Maybe there’s another airport nearby that I can check…”

 

“Gary.”

 

I looked up to see Edward watching me, his cell phone clamped to his ear.

 

“I’m on hold,” he explained. “Try Gary, Indiana. It’s not that far. She can rent a car from there.”

 

I turned back to my laptop and typed away for a few moments.

 

“Stephanie, see if they can get you on flight 387 into Gary, Indiana…Yeah, I’ll hold on.”

 

I moved the phone away from my mouth while Stephanie cajoled her airline. Edward was still on hold, still looking at me.

 

“So,” Edward said abruptly. “If we’re going to be friends…”

 

I cocked an eyebrow at him and smiled slightly, “We are?”

 

He grinned back, slow and devastating, and when he spoke, his voice had dropped so low that it sent a tremor down my spine, “Well, I’m assuming ‘friends’ is all that’s on the table?”

 

Damn. He was deadly. I wanted to play it cool and flirt back; I wanted to be breezy, confident and commanding, but all I could do was nod dumbly.

 

“So,” he continued in his earlier, cheerful tone of voice, “If we’re going to be friends, we should know something about each other.”

 

“Okay. What do you want to know?” Stephanie really needed to get back on the phone and save me from him.

 

“Well, since I saw you at the airport,” his eyes flashed to mine, “And you grew up with Alice, I’m guessing you’re still in…was it Forks?”

 

I cleared my throat and hoped I didn’t sound as flustered as I felt. “Um, yes, Forks. But actually I’m in Seattle now. And since I saw you at the same airport, then I can assume you’re not from Chicago?”

 

“Actually, I am from Chicago. My parents are still here,” he said. “But I live in New York now.”

 

New York. Geographically, about as far away from Seattle as you could get and still be in the same country. Why the hell am I thinking about that?? It doesn’t matter _at all_ where he lives.

 

“What do you do in Seattle?” he asked politely.

 

“Um…nothing exciting,” I mumbled. “I edit technical manuals.”

 

“Oh…really. Hmm,” Edward was fumbling, trying to find some interesting comment to make about what I did for a living. I could assure him, without a doubt, there was absolutely nothing of interest to say about my job. “How’d you get into that?”

 

I shrugged dismissively and looked away, “I needed a job when I finally got out of college, to pay the bills. It did.”

 

Edward said nothing, clearly sensing my unwillingness to talk about this.

 

“What about you?” I asked, more than ready to deflect attention away from myself. “What do you do in New York?”

 

“I’m a doctor.”

 

“Oh.” _Great_ , _he’s a doctor, too._ “What made you relocate to New York?”

 

“Med school, and then my residency at Lenox Hill. I’m almost done.”

 

I groaned internally. Even I’d heard of Lenox Hill. One of the premier hospitals in the country. Of course, he’s also successful and brilliant. And probably wealthy, too. My life felt like it just shrank into insignificance compared to his. It seemed ridiculous that we were even having this conversation.

 

“What are your plans when you finish?” I’d meant to just be polite but it somehow sounded to my ears like I was fishing for information on him, and I looked away in embarrassment, trying to seem disinterested.

 

He shrugged, “They want me to stay on, and it’s certainly a great hospital. So I’ll stay. I mean, I’d be a fool not to, right?”

 

“Well, you like New York, right?”

 

“It’s great. I’ve really liked living there while I was doing my residency.”

 

“But?”

 

He raised his eyebrows in question. “What do you mean?”

 

I shrugged, “It just sounds like there was a ‘but’ in that statement.”

 

Edward smiled. “I guess. Oh, hell, I don’t know. I never really imagined myself living in New York my whole life. And my parents are here. I wouldn’t mind being closer to them. My dad's a doctor too, and I always thought..." he trailed off and glanced at me sheepishly.

 

"What?" I prodded.

 

He waved a dismissive hand, "More than you'd care to hear about, I'm sure."

 

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know. Keep going."

 

He sighed and looked out of the window behind the couch, "Growing up, when I thought about being a doctor someday, I pictured it being like my father. He runs a small family practice. Nothing fancy, just general medicine."

 

"And you can't do that?"

 

He smiled ruefully and shook his head, "If Lenox Hill offers you a position, you say ‘yes’ to Lenox Hill."

 

"Ah, I get it. But still, you must be really talented if they want you. And at a place like that, think of how much you could accomplish."

 

Edward nodded slowly. “That’s true. I’m very lucky. Opportunities don’t come along like this every day.”

 

He was still looking out the window, his expression far away.

 

“You should do what makes you happy,” I said, which was an ironic piece of advice for me to give, all things considered.

 

He looked back and smiled. God, his smile made my insides melt. “It’s all working out the way it’s meant to, I’m sure. What about you? Do you like Seattle?”

 

I blanched slightly. Discussions of Seattle, and whether or not I was happy there, would inevitably lead to Jay and whether or not I was happy with him. And I really didn’t want to talk to Edward about any of that. I was saved, however, by Stephanie’s breathless return to the line to tell me that she was re-booked on a flight that was, at least in theory, flying into Gary tonight. I congratulated her as she thanked me for my help, and we made plans to meet in person at the reception. Yes, Alice had unwittingly struck on the most unique party icebreaker ever.

 

Hanging up, I returned to my list to see who I needed to check back in with. Edward was back on the line with his assigned guest by then, and I was saved from any further conversation with him. Talking to him…and how he made me feel while we talked, was nothing but bad news. I moved onto my next stranded guest in a rush, to keep myself completely occupied and safe.

 

By the time we’d finished up the late lunch from room service that Alice ordered for us, there were only a few guests who remained stubbornly stranded. For all the guests stranded by the weather, we’d managed to get almost all of them shifted to alternate flights or onto trains. Most of the wedding party had filtered away as the list dwindled. I volunteered to stay and work on the hold-outs, but Alice refused.

 

“Oh, no, Miss Maid of Honor. Have you checked your itinerary?”

 

“Yes,” I rolled my eyes, “tonight’s the Bachelorette party. I’m all over it. I promise.”

 

“You need to go get ready. And I expect you to bring the hotness.”

 

“Why, Alice? Who am I trying to impress?”

 

“How about yourself? Seriously, B, you’ve been living under a rock for four years. It’s time to come out of the cocoon, little butterfly.”

 

“But what about Uncle Richard?” I said, pointing to my list, “He still doesn’t have a flight.”

 

Alice snatched the paper out of my hands, “Mrs. Hale is taking over. She’ll get it sorted out. Now go! Remember…hotness.”

 

I sighed and headed for the door, having absolutely no idea how I was supposed to pull off hotness. Well, I had hours to figure it out, and I was sure I would need every one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Windy City Watering Hole

_ Bella _

 

 

Okay. Hotness. I can do this. I can _bring the hotness_ , or whatever the hell Alice said I was supposed to do with it.

 

I turned around in the hotel bathroom to examine myself from the back. I didn't own clothes that screamed "hotness", but I'd done the best I could with what I had with me. I'd brought a pair of skinny black pants that were polished cotton, which made them a little shiny and therefore slightly dressier than they might be otherwise. I’d paired it with a red knit top with elbow length fluttery sleeves. The sleeves were split up the top all the way to the shoulders, so when I moved all of my arms and shoulders were bare. I’d brought the top planning to wear it with this charcoal grey wool skirt I had and with a black pashmina around my shoulders. That tended to make the whole thing more “business cocktail reception”. But paired with the tight black pants, it was suddenly a surprisingly sexy blouse. I wondered how I’d never thought to wear it all together like this before.

 

Oh, yeah, I knew why. First, when was the last time Jay and I had gone anywhere that required me to dress up like this? And second, even if we had, he’d have had a complete meltdown if I walked out of the house looking like this. He’d have spent the whole night freaking out that some guy would hit on me. I hadn’t really realized it before, but as I stood in the bathroom staring at myself, I knew exactly what I’d done. I’d hidden myself away and dulled myself down to avoid upsetting him, to protect him and his constant insecurity. In frustion, at him...at me, at the whole fucked up situation, I snatched my lipstick back up off the counter. I’d already applied it very lightly and then blotted most of it back off, just a light staining of color. Now I slicked it fully on; deep, dark red. I also went back into my eyeliner, making it darker and smokier.

 

Hell, yeah. I can still be hot. _Bring it_.

 

I slipped back into the strappy gold heels I bought when I was shopping with Alice the day before. Tonight would probably involve dancing, so it was a seriously stupid move on my part, but what the hell? Alice commanded that I produce hotness and I would do my damnest. I’d worry about my feet tomorrow.

 

Alice, Angela, Jessica and Rosalie were all in the lobby by the time I got down there. Several of Alice’s female friends and relatives were supposed to come with us, but with the travel delays I had a feeling it would just be the wedding party and the locals.

 

“Now _that’s_ what I’m talking about! I knew you still had it in you, B!” Alice laughed and nodded, circling me appreciatively, when I made my appearance.

 

Jessica snapped her phone closed. “Okay, that’s that. Everybody knows about the change in plans and if they can make it here, they will.”

 

“What change in plans?" I asked.

 

Alice hooked her thumb at the glass doors in the front of the lobby. “Look at it out there.”

 

There were piles of deep, wet snow all over the sidewalk and more was still falling. Frankly, it looked miserable outside.

 

“There’s a bar off the lobby of the building next door,” Angela explained. “You can get there through the shopping atrium. So we decided to bail on the club and go there. Most everybody is probably snowed in tonight anyway.”

 

“Are you okay with that, Alice?” I asked. “It looks bad outside, but it’s your night. I’ll brave the elements for you.”

 

She shrugged and threw an arm around my shoulders, “As long as I have some liquor and my girls, that’s all I need.” She looked around at the rest of us. “Right? That’s all you need for a bachelorette party? Liquor and girlfriends?”

 

We all looked at each other and shrugged, equally clueless.

 

“Okay,” I said as brightly as possible, “Let’s do this!”

 

The five of us made our way to the neighboring building, getting lost a few times in the enclosed mall that connected the two. Just because, in theory, you could get from one to the other without going outside, it didn’t mean it was easy to figure out. But we eventually found the lobby, and the sound of pulsating music led us to the bar itself. It was nice enough inside; dark, with multiple levels branching off on either side. The weather was keeping it less crowded than it probably was ordinarily, but there were still some people, clustered in groups on the various levels and out on the dance floor. Jessica led the way to a relatively empty section off to our left and up a few steps. There was a large, semi-circular banquette table free and we commandeered that.

 

“Okay,” Jessica said, “Bella and I will go introduce ourselves to the bartender, tell him it’s a bachelorette party, and we’ll see if he’ll be nice to us.”

 

She winked at the rest of the table and she and I headed to the bar. For such a little thing, Jessica was really fierce about elbowing her way into the bar, a sweet smile on her face the whole time. She immediately asked the bartender’s name (Kevin) and with her chipper little voice and her bouncing little curls, she had him eating out of the palm of her hand immediately. I was starting to get what Alice saw in her. When you first met her, the personality was all sweetness and light, and it would be easy to discount her as having nothing to offer beyond that. But there was something steely and fierce under it, a canny street smarts that I’m sure no one saw coming until it was far too late. She was like a cuddly woodland creature that had deceptively sharp teeth and a nasty temper. She was growing on me.

 

Kevin set up a tray of shots to get us started and promised to have a waiter take care of us all night. Jessica hefted the tray and headed back to the table while I handed over my credit card and spoke to Kevin about getting a tab started. I hadn’t ever been to an official bachelorette party, and I had no idea what we were supposed to do tonight, but it stood to reason that getting liquored up would be a pretty good start. And in keeping with my whole forget-my-real-life plan for this weekend, it sounded like a fine idea to me.

 

 

_ Edward _

This was much better.

 

Emmett looked like he might cry when the guys vetoed trudging out into the snow to get to the strip club that had been in the plans for tonight, but I was relieved and I was pretty sure everybody else was, too. Well, maybe not Mike. He seemed just as keen on the strip club idea as Emmett. But Jasper didn’t want to fight the knee-high snow drifts to get there, and I wasn’t about to argue.

 

Jasper suggested this bar in the building next door, which meant just a short hop down the sidewalk before we were back inside. It was serviceable. A little too much blue neon and black lacquer for my tastes, but to be realistic, all we were really going to do was sit around, shoot the shit, and get smashed, so this place would serve the purpose just fine. We staked out a decent table over on the right hand side, up on a level, and I headed down to the bar to hand over my credit card and get the bachelor party liquor flowing.

 

And then the night got a whole lot more interesting.

 

Bella was leaning over the bar, apparently straining to hear the bartender over the music. I tried hard not to notice how fantastic she looked from behind in her tight black pants. I failed.

 

With a quick glance around, I spotted Alice and the rest of the women from the wedding party, off to the left, all throwing back shots in unison. I laughed a little to myself. It was going to be hard to have a night of single men cutting loose when their women were there to witness it.

 

I stepped up behind Bella and reached out to tap her on the shoulder just as she straightened and spun around, smacking into my hand hard.

 

“Oh, shit!”

 

“Ow!”

 

“Geez!” she shouted, rubbing her upper arm where she’d made contact with me, “What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“Bachelor party,” I shrugged, nodding my head to the opposite side of the bar. She pivoted to look and chuckled softly, shaking her head.

 

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be at a strip club or something?”

 

“Yeah, that was sort of the plan, but the weather was so lousy, we just bailed and came here. Emmett was the only one who was into the strip club thing anyway. So what are you doing here?”

 

“Bachelorette party,” she said, smiling. She had a great smile. It transformed her whole face. “We didn’t want to brave the snow, either.”

 

“Some wild and crazy singles night we’re going to have, huh?”

 

She laughed, “Well, I don’t think it was going to be all that wild and crazy to begin with, at least for us. None of us really knows what the hell we’re supposed to do, besides drink a lot.”

 

“Hey, Bella,” Angela said softly as she approached us from their table. “Edward.”

 

I nodded at her.

 

“I’m back for more shots,” Angela said with a shrug. Bella’s eyes popped a little. “Um, yeah,” Angela continued, “the girls finished that first tray already. Jessica said to get another tray of the same.”

 

Bella shrugged and raised her eyebrows before turning back to the bar to order more.

 

I smiled pleasantly at Angela. We had met over dinner at Jasper and Alice’s once last year. I didn’t know her well, but I liked her.

 

“So, you and Bella grew up together, too?”

 

“Yes, in Forks,” she replied, “but we also went to college together.”

 

“Where was that?”

 

“University of Washington,” Bella answered as she turned back and rejoined the conversation.  
  


“Oh, and of course, we did _New Moon_ together, too,” Angela said, looking to Bella expectantly.

 

“ _New Moon_?” I asked.

 

“Bella’s magazine,” Angela answered.

 

I turned to look at her in confusion. “What does that mean? Your magazine?”

 

Bella shook her head and shrugged, “It was nothing. Just a college thing.”

 

“Bella!” Angela scolded her softly, “Stop it. It was amazing and you know it.”

 

“It was a long time ago,” she protested.

 

I turned to Angela, “She’s clearly not going to talk about it, so why don’t you tell me what it was?”

 

Angela smiled and elbowed Bella gently but she talked. “Bella couldn’t stand how few publishing opportunities there were for the writers in her program, so she got the funding together and launched a literary magazine. She ran it out of the English department at U Dub. It was called _New Moon.”_

I wasn’t sure where to start. I just looked at Bella in awe. “You’re a writer?” I finally managed.

 

She shook her head firmly, “Not anymore. I mean, not like that.”

 

“You were really good, B,” Angela said softly. Bella was just looking at her toes. I couldn’t figure out why she wasn't more eager to talk about it. It certainly seemed brag-worthy. I was impressed as hell, that was for sure.

 

Angela flashed a smile at me, “It could have just been a little departmental newsletter, but that wasn’t enough for Bella. She recruited writers from all over the Pacific Northwest, whether they were students or not. And she didn’t just dump the issues at the Student Union and call it a day. Bella and Alice would drive for hours just to deliver copies of it to some bookstore or coffee shop. You couldn’t go anywhere in the Pacific Northwest without finding a stack of _New Moon’s_ by the door. It started off small, but it actually became kind of prestigious to get published in _New Moon_. Little did they know that it was just Bella and Alice and me in a closet!”

 

“That’s really…” I was trying to wrap my brain around producing something like that at their age, “You must be really proud of that.”

 

“Oh, I just fit in some hours here and there around my classes. Alice put in a lot of time, but it was really Bella’s baby. None of it would have happened without her.”

 

I looked to her expectantly, but she was still just looking at her feet. As I was wondering what I should say that might draw her out, Jessica descended on us in a flurry.

 

“What are _you_ doing here?” she barked, poking a finger into my chest.

 

“Uh…bachelor party.”

 

“You’re supposed to be at some strip club!”

 

“Too much snow. We changed plans.”

 

Jessica threw her hands into the air and rolled her eyes.

 

“Fine, this bar is the dividing line, then,” she said firmly. “You guys party over there and we’ll party over here.”

 

“That’s silly,” I protested. “We all know each other. We should sit together.”

 

Jessica shot me a horrified stare.

  
“It’s a bachelorette party!” she hissed, “I don’t know a whole lot about these things, but I’m pretty sure mingling with the groom and his friends isn’t how it’s supposed to go.”

 

I grinned and held up my hands, “Sorry, didn’t know there were rules.”

 

“Just one rule. No boys allowed!”

 

Jessica stepped behind Bella to retrieve the new tray of shots off the bar. “Come on, girls,” she said grimly, “There’s drinking to do.”

 

Bella finally smiled, clearly amused with Jessica. She raised her eyebrows at me in silent commentary before she turned and followed Jessica and Angela back to their table.

 

 

 

_ Bella _

 

 

I followed Jessica back to the table half in a fog. So much for my plan to drink heavily and forget real life. How had we ended up talking with Edward about _New Moon_ , of all things? It was sweet of Angela to gush that way, but I hated talking about those days. It was my peak, the most interesting thing I’d ever do, and I was twenty-two when it happened. It depressed me to think about.

 

“You’ll never guess who’s here,” Jessica huffed as we reached the table. “The _boys_!”

 

For a group of girls who were supposed to be all gung ho to do this without male companionship, it was pretty humorous to watch every woman at the table half-stand and crane her neck to look for the men. Alice locked eyes with Jasper across the bar and collapsed back into the booth in giggles.

  
“That’s just perfect! We’re so conjoined that we can’t even do _this_ without each other!”

 

Jessica waved her hands to restore the proceedings and we all solemnly downed our shots. It was so sweet that it hardly tasted like liquor.

  
“What the hell is this?” I asked.

 

“Screaming orgasm,” Jessica answered absently, waving the waiter over to order another round.

 

“Oh, no,” Rosalie suddenly piped up, “I’ve had enough of the chick drinks! Jameson’s whiskey all around, please.”

 

“But we’re chicks! At a chick event!” Jessica protested. “Aren’t we supposed to drink chick drinks?”

 

“I suck at chick stuff.” Rose growled. “Whiskey!”

 

Jessica relented with a shrug, and within minutes, the next round of drinks arrived at the table. So the perky was a little relentless, but that voodoo she worked on Kevin back at the bar clearly did the trick, considering how fast our drinks were arriving. We slammed the new round back, and I started to feel a pleasant little curl of warmth in my chest. The rest of the girls were a couple of drinks ahead of me, and it showed. Alice and Angela were slumped against each other, giggling lazily.

 

“Let’s dance!” Jessica chirped, pulling me up by my wrist. I grabbed Alice and she coaxed Rosalie and Angela to join us. I was glad, in a way, that we’d ended up at this bar instead of the club. The music wasn’t quite as loud and techno as it would have been, and the dance floor was only moderately crowded, so we weren’t constantly pressed by sweaty bodies. I’d had just enough liquor to be relaxed, but not sloppy, and I found that I was actually kind of enjoying myself. It had been years since I’d been out like this; probably not since college, now that I thought about it. I’d forgotten that it could be fun.

 

Don’t look now,” Jessica said with a smirk, “But we’re being watched.” She tossed her head at Jasper’s table and sure enough, they were all just watching us dance. Jessica did a little duck-and-grind, for Mike’s benefit, I thought. Sure enough, he sat up and took notice.

 

Alice snorted, “Some wild and crazy bachelors they are!”

 

“I’m going to the ladies’,” Rosalie announced, “I’ll order us another round on my way back.”

 

I watched her go, her tight red dress showing off a body that really didn’t need any help looking better, her golden hair swinging down her back.

 

“I know she’s a little intimidating,” Alice said next to my ear.

 

“You could say that!”

 

“But she’s a lot different than you’d guess. She had this crazy, intense job in New York but when Jasper got the tenure track position here, she resigned and moved to Chicago to be closer to him. She says she was looking for a change of pace, whatever. But it was because of Jazz. I used to be kind of terrified of her, but after that….well, it told me everything I need to know about Rose.”

 

I gave that a moment’s consideration; Rosalie giving up her job, reshaping her entire career, to be closer to her family. Alice was right- I never would have expected that of her. I made a mental note to try to talk to her a little the next time we were alone.

 

We danced for a little while longer, until Alice decided she needed a drink, so our little group went back to our table to see if Rose had arrived with them yet. I peeled off to head to the ladies’ room. There was a long, dark hallway to the left of the bar, with both the ladies’ and the men’s rooms around a corner at the end. I turned the corner and spotted a couple pressed up against the wall half-way down, and I smirked to myself. He had her pinned to the wall, his broad shoulders concealing most of her, but her hands were clenched in his hair. I scooted to the far side of the hall to slip past them and saw him reach up and fist a hand in her long, golden hair. Rosalie’s hair. What the hell? Why was Rosalie making out with some random guy outside the ladies’ room? I really didn’t peg her for the type. Then I narrowed my eyes at the back of the guy’s head, trying to see in the dark. Christ. _Not_ some random guy. Emmett.

 

Without making a sound, I turned on my heel and hurried back the way I came. Screw the bathroom; I could hold it. I stopped just long enough at the bar to ask Kevin to send over another round of Jameson’s, and he nodded.

 

“Hey, did you see Rose over there?” Alice asked, as I approached. “She never came back with the drinks.”

  
Before I could sit down, the waiter materialized behind me with a tray and I snatched a shot glass off of it, downing it quickly.

 

“What’s wrong?” Alice asked.

 

I turned away and crooked my head for her to follow. She scrambled out of the booth after me.  As soon as we were out of hearing range of the table, I rounded on her.

 

“Rosalie and Emmett!”

 

“What about them?”

 

“I just walked in on them making out in the hall outside the bathrooms!”

 

Alice, much to my amazement, didn’t look the least bit surprised at this piece of news, only concerned.

 

“Are they together? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“No, no. They’re not together. _He_ certainly wants to be, and I suspect she does, too. But no, they’ve never actually dated. But maybe…”

 

“Do they do this? Randomly hook up?”

  
Alice sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I have no idea how far it goes. Jasper says they’ve been dancing around each other since they were eighteen. But she’s always held him off.”

  
“She’s not holding him off right now. Do you think it’s a mistake? Is she going to be sorry about it later? Should we….I don’t know…accidentally-on-purpose interrupt them?”

 

“She’s a big girl and she knows what she’s doing. And I think they’d be great together, it’s just complicated. At least for Rose. I just want her to be happy.”

 

“She was certainly enjoying herself a minute ago,” I said with a smile.

 

“Yeah, it’s just…I don’t want her to be hurt.”

 

At that moment, I saw Rosalie approaching over Alice’s shoulder and Emmett stalking across the bar behind her, his eyebrows drawn together, his face stormy.

 

“Hey!” Rosalie said, her voice just a little too bright, “Sorry, I ran into someone I knew. Drinks are on the way.”

 

Alice fixed her with a discerning stare, but then shrugged and accepted the shot that arrived a moment later.

 

“Let’s dance some more!” Rose suggested, which seemed a little out of character for her. She seemed to want to distract herself, though, so Alice and I acquiesced and Angela and Jessica followed.

 

As I turned from the table I felt my phone in my pocket start to vibrate with a text.   
  


“Go ahead, guys. I’ll be right there.” I waved them ahead of me as I fished it out. My stomach fell. Jay.

 

_Where are you? I called your room.-J_

 

I paused and took a deep breath before I typed an answer.

****

_Alice_ _’s bachelorette party- B_

****

_Who else is there?-J_

 

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead with my fingertips. No. I just couldn’t face this now. If I engaged with him, I’d spend the rest of the night trying to reassure him and talk him out of his fit of insecurity.

 

I typed out a terse response.

 

_The wedding party. Alice needs me. Call you later.- B_

 

I threw the phone on the table, half-hoping somebody would steal it, before I tossed back another shot of whiskey and headed to the dance floor to join Alice.

 

 

 

 

_ Edward _

 

I was well into my third…or was it fourth?...scotch as I leaned back in the booth and watched the girls on the dance floor. They were doing their best to do the expected bachelorette thing, but failing miserably. All they’d managed to do so far from the looks of it was to drink too much and dance. And attract the attention of every half-wasted guy in the bar.

 

As I looked around the room, I could see their faces, leering and hungry, watching the girls dance in the middle of the floor. The snow kept the place emptier than it probably would have been, so there wasn’t even a crowd to obscure them, or a lot of trashier girls to draw off the attention. There was just that cluster of remarkably attractive, intoxicated women dancing with increased abandon. This was starting to feel like some Serengeti watering hole, and the girls were the peaceful, happy zebras that were about to get attacked by a pack of jackals.

 

Emmett had gone over a while back to talk to Rose and I’d hoped his lingering presence would have scared off the jackals, but something must have gone down, because twenty minutes later he was back at our table, scowling and furious, and now he was methodically obliterating himself with the scotch. Jasper was toasted pleasantly, his southern accent growing broad and dramatic, like it always did when he drank. He was shoulder to shoulder with his cousin, Mike, reminiscing about their childhood vacations together. Ben had disappeared to the bathroom. So there was just me keeping an eye on the girls right now.

 

Well, keeping an eye on one particular girl, truthfully. Damn, she looked amazing tonight. Those black pants, that red blouse that showed off her pale shoulders and arms…I could barely think straight when I looked at her. This was so unfair. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so attracted to a woman. And while it might have started as just a healthy dose of lust, now I was finding myself intrigued by who she was as a person. After that tantalizing peek inside that Angela had given me, I wanted more. I wanted to get her alone, outside of this stupid, noisy bar, and just talk to her. I wanted to do all that lame shit I usually dreaded. Chatting over coffee, getting to know each other over dinner. Usually all of that stuff felt so forced and awkward, but somehow I thought it might not be with Bella.

 

But I couldn’t do any of that, because she wasn’t free. Hell, even if she was, she lived clear on the other side of the country. Unavailable and out of reach.

 

I sat there for a while, drinking and feeling sorry for myself, and that’s when the jackals decided to make their move on our zebras. Two guys who looked like they’d been regurgitated from one of these office towers for happy hour were making their way to the dance floor. One of them, the taller one, was heading straight for Rose, not surprisingly. His slightly shorter, dark-haired friend was making a beeline for Bella.

 

I didn’t want to look like the crazy stalker I was, so I didn’t immediately leap to my feet the way I wanted to. Who knows, maybe she’d send him packing on her own. He sidled up behind her and did that disgusting thing creeps do, grabbing her hips and grinding his cock into her ass under the pretense of dancing.

 

My hands clenched into fists and I started up, but Bella just smirked slightly and moved away to dance closer to Angela, so I relaxed. She tossed her head and her hair swung off her shoulder as she smiled and leaned in to whisper to Angela. Angela whispered back and whatever she said made Bella throw her head back and laugh. Apparently the creep in the cheap suit found it as enthralling as I did because he was all over her back again, hands on her waist, pressing himself up against her.

 

Alright, I’d seen enough. I surged to my feet and pushed my way through the crowd to get to the dance floor. She was still dancing, pointedly ignoring him, he was still crushing himself against her, when I reached them. I dropped my hand on his shoulder, glad for a moment that I had a good four inches on him. I gripped harder than I probably needed to.

 

He swiveled his head to glare at me but didn’t let go. “You got a problem, friend?”

 

I glanced at Bella, who was looking at me with amusement. I made a split decision and hoped that she was okay with it and would play along.

 

“Yeah, I have a problem with you manhandling my girl.”

 

He chuckled briefly, “Well, your girl here doesn’t seem all that unhappy about it.”

 

And with that, he leaned in and kissed her shoulder. Bella’s face froze in horror. Oh, hell no.

 

“Get your fucking hands off of her.”

 

The menace in my voice stopped him cold, and Bella’s eyes widened at me. But Cheap Suit let her go and backed away, hands up in appeasement. Unthinkingly, I slid my arm around Bella’s waist and pulled her in against me, like she really was my girl. She allowed me to pull her in close, her eyes never leaving my face. I swayed a bit with her, to keep up the pretense that we were dancing.

 

“What the hell was that about?” she finally asked. She tipped her head back to get a better look at me and made herself dizzy, closing her eyes and grabbing for my shoulders to steady herself. I looked closely at her and realized she was drunk. Probably very drunk. I glanced around at the other girls. Even Angela, cool, calm, collected Angela, was hanging on Alice’s shoulder a few feet away and laughing uncontrollably. They were all drunk. Bella was still looking at me.

 

“He was practically assaulting you.”

 

“Maybe I wanted to be assaulted.”

 

I snorted disbelievingly. “By _that_ guy?”

 

Bella shrugged, “Okay, maybe not. But the caveman thing? I can take care of myself, you know.”

 

With those words, even though we were barely moving, she managed to trip. I caught her before she fell very far and set her carefully back on her feet.

 

“I think maybe you’ve had enough fun for tonight.”

 

“But it’s a bachelorette party!” she protested. “I don’t know much about them, but it seems like we should…I don’t know… _party_ a lot more than this.”

 

“From the looks of the rest of the girls, none of them are long for this world. What the hell did you drink?”

 

“Well, we started off with Screaming Orgasms, but then we switched to whiskey. Shots. Rose insisted.”

 

“How many?”

 

Bella scowled as she tried to count them, but had no luck.

 

“I think that means you’ve had plenty,” I told her. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to your room.”

 

She nodded and I turned her towards the door, keeping an arm around her waist since she was wobbling all over the place on her heels.

 

“Oh, wait, my phone is on our table!”

 

I turned us and headed over to her table, helping her up the steps to reach it. Her phone was abandoned right in the middle of the table, which seemed rather dangerous.

 

“Somebody could have taken that,” I said as she retrieved it.

 

Bella just snorted in disgust and rolled her eyes before glancing at the face. It was lit up with missed calls. He face clouded and she scowled.

 

“Do you need to call someone?” I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral since I knew full well it was probably her stupid boyfriend. The loser, as Jasper called him.

 

“No.” Her voice was tight and clipped as she shoved the phone in her pocket.

 

“Ready?” I raised my eyebrows at her. She nodded, suddenly looking tired and deflated as the liquor caught up to her. She dragged her hand through her hair wearily.

 

I put my arm back around her waist and she didn’t argue. As I steered her towards the door, I looked at our table and caught Jasper’s eye. He gave me a tsk-tsk motion with his finger, but he was grinning broadly. I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head firmly.

 

I tried to head us back out the lobby door that we’d entered through earlier, but Bella insisted that there was some inside route through the shopping atrium. It took us the better part of twenty minutes to find it, though, and since all the stores were closed, it was dark and empty and frankly, creepy. Bella was wearing some strappy gold shoes that were a total hazard on the slick marble floors, and she kept sliding and holding on to me to save herself. It was becoming a kind of exquisite torture.

 

Finally, though, we were winding our way slowly through the plush lobby of our hotel.

 

“You know, it was a nice gesture, but you really didn’t have to save me from that guy. I had that situation totally in hand,” she muttered.

 

“Yeah, and he had your ass totally in hand.”

 

“Oh, come on! It wasn’t that bad, he was just dancing!”

 

I helped her into the elevator and hit seven. She wasn’t serious, she was baiting me, smiling teasingly at me as she spoke. She was flirting with me and too drunk to even realize it, but I wasn’t about to stop her. I was enjoying it too much.

 

“Not that bad?” I protested, playing along, “Bella, the guy was groping you!”

 

“He was just being friendly. And then you go charging in there scaring the guy to pieces. What the hell was up with that voice, anyway? You sounded like the Prince of Darkness.”

 

We exited the elevator and started down the hall towards our rooms. She was still leaning heavily against me and I could smell her hair, something a little flowery and sweet.

 

“Do you honestly expect me to believe you were into that guy’s creepy advances?”

 

“Maybe I was!” she said with false outrage. I smirked at her. She was such a lousy liar. She couldn’t even keep the smile off her face. “Maybe I liked him!”

 

We were at her door now and she backed away, her eyes drooping slightly, her hair a glorious tumble down over her bare arms where they peeked out of her blouse. I knew what I was about to do was wrong, and crossing the line, but I did it anyway. Hell, she was so drunk that she might not even remember this conversation tomorrow. I took a step forward and she jolted in surprise. She tried to back up but she was against the wall. I reached a hand up to cup her chin, dragging my thumb gently over her bottom lip. Her eyes went wide and her breathing stalled.

 

“Don’t you think,” I said softly, smiling, “That if you’re going to cheat on your boyfriend, it should be with me?”

 

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. And suddenly my teasing wasn’t so funny any more. Electricity bounced between us. My hand felt on fire where it touched her face. Wrong _._ This was wrong, I reminded myself. She was taken and drunk. _Wrong._

 

We stood frozen for a long moment, eyes locked, before I finally dropped my hand away and backed up.

 

“Take two Advil and as much water as you can drink when you get inside,” I said.

 

She was still pinned against the wall, unmoving.

 

“Goodnight, Bella.”

 

That seemed to snap her out of it. She fumbled in her pocket for her key card. She tried twice to get it in the door but couldn’t manage it. I stepped forward again and took it gently out of her hand. I swiped it, and the door popped open under her hand. I paused for just a second, staring at the dark sliver of the inside of her room and then at her. I couldn’t cross this line. I wouldn’t. Grinding my teeth together in frustration, I turned away to my own door.

 

“I’ll see you in the morning,” I mumbled.

 

I stood at my door until I heard hers click closed behind her, then I let myself in. Turning, I threw the deadbolt before I let my head fall against the door with a dull thud.

  
Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. The High Road

_ Bella _

 

 

The heater in my room cycled through sixteen times before I finally fell asleep. That’s what I did as I laid there and tried not to think about Edward on the other side of the wall. I stared at the ceiling and counted the cycles of the heating and cooling system.

 

I would have thought with all that liquor in me that I would have passed out immediately. But I stayed up when I went in, long enough to take my Advil and drink my water as prescribed by Dr. Cullen. Then I washed my face and brushed my teeth, and by the time I’d done all that, I wasn’t nearly so drunk. And still just as turned on.

 

I stayed suspended in that moment for hours. His hand cupping my chin, his thumb on my lip, the way the air between us seemed to catch fire…and Jesus, what he said… _that_ was the part I truly couldn’t stop thinking about. Because I really, _really_ wanted to. More than I’d ever wanted anyone, I wanted Edward. I wanted to know what it would feel like if we’d followed through on that moment, if he’d kept going and kissed me, if I’d led him into my room after he opened the door for me.

 

Thinking about it, thinking about _him_ , made my chest tighten and my pulse race. My fingers subconsciously moved to the tingling spot on my lip where he touched me and I had to stop myself from letting my hand slide down to touch everything else that tingled at the thought of Edward. I absolutely could not get myself off while I was thinking about him. There was so much wrong with that idea.

 

Of course, forbidding myself the release meant that I stayed all wound up and tense for ages, lying there in the dark. Every tiny sound seemed like it was coming from his side of the wall, and that would set my mind to wondering about what he was doing over there. Was he in bed? Was he naked? And then I’d have to start all over again counting the damned heating cycles.

 

I was a _horrible_ person.

 

The wakeup call came at nine. Not too early, but considering all the liquor and the late-night Edward fantasies, I was a mess.

 

At least the day wasn’t too stressful. Alice had booked a spa day for the bridal party, and then the rehearsal dinner was tonight. I wouldn’t see Edward until the evening, which was good. It would probably take me all day before I could look him in the eye without spontaneously combusting. In the cold light of day, I felt embarrassed. I drank way too much last night, and I was pretty sure I’d been flirting with him. No wonder he did what he did. I was practically asking for it.

 

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? I was not this girl. I was loyal, trustworthy, and honest. I was not the girl who spends the entire wedding weekend flirting outrageously with the hot Best Man. Not when I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home. Yes, Jay and the whole situation was a mess that I was trying hard not to think about right now. But that didn’t mean he stopped existing. I was the same girl who walked onto that plane two days ago, the same girl who would walk off of it two days from now. I needed to stop this insanity with Edward before I did something I’d regret.

 

On that turning-over-a-new-leaf note, I got out of bed, trying my damnedest not to listen for sounds from next door. I didn’t hear any, and I tried hard not to speculate on where he was. I’d slept too late for the group breakfast downstairs, so I treated myself to a little room service and ate my breakfast wrapped in the plush white hotel bathrobe while I watched CNN.

 

My cell sat on the table across the room, letting out a subtle little vibration every few minutes to let me know I’d missed a call. Or several. I knew exactly who they were from, and I was steeling myself to go over there and deal with it. Finally, I knew I couldn’t put him off any longer, so I retrieved it and checked. Jay. Four times. I stood there for an immeasurable amount of time, my thumb poised over “play”, warring with myself in my head.

 

He was my boyfriend. We’d lived together four years. I didn't love him anymore and I wanted out, but he didn’t know that. He wanted to talk to his girlfriend, which he was entitled to do. It would be cruel of me to just ignore him all weekend.

 

But then I remembered his texts from last night in the bar, the anxious neediness, and I knew exactly what I'd be facing in those messages, and what I'd be facing if I called. And I just couldn't do it. It might be wrong and hurtful of me, but in that moment, I simply couldn't handle him.

 

While I warred with myself, my thumb shifted back and forth between “play” and “delete”.

 

Then I remembered Alice’s words the first day I was here. This is my weekend. My time to be by myself and not think about all that. The coward in me won out and my thumb came down on delete. Sunday would come soon enough, and I'd pay this particular piper then.

 

At ten, I presented myself in the lobby, casually dressed in yoga pants and a hoodie. The only other person who’d made it so far was Rosalie, who was sitting on a gold upholstered bench against the wall in the lobby, her eyes closed, her head tipped back against the wall. As beautiful as she was, even with no makeup and wearing sweats, she looked tired and stressed.

 

Remembering what Alice told me last night, and my resolution to try to talk to her, I lowered myself gently onto the bench beside her.

 

I took a deep breath. “Hey.”

 

She cracked an eye at me.

 

“Oh, hey, Bella. How are you feeling?”

 

I smirked, “Only a little hung over. How about you?”

 

“Ugh….” she groaned. “There’s a reason I don’t do that shit anymore.”

 

I laughed a little in commiseration, and tipped my head back to rest on the wall too as we waited for the others. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rosalie surreptitiously pull out her cell and check the screen. She was waiting for someone to contact her, and she didn’t want anyone to know. I wondered if it was Emmett.

 

I cleared my throat lightly. “Hey Rosalie?”

 

“Rose.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You can call me Rose.”

 

“Oh…thanks. Rose. Um…confession time,” I lifted my head to look at her and she did likewise, her face curious. “I was going to the ladies room last night and I saw you…with Emmett.”

 

She turned her face front, her expression a blank, her eyes bleak. She was so impossibly beautiful and yet, in this moment, she looked lost and hopeless. I remembered what Alice said about her, that she gave up her driven, high-powered career just to be closer to her family. I decided to take a chance.

 

“If you…I know you don’t know me, but if you need to talk about anything, I’m a really good listener. Years of practice with Alice.”

 

She smirked softly at my joke and remained quiet for another moment, but her eyes were working, flitting around the lobby, looking for answers.

 

“It’s been like that since we met,” she finally said softly.

 

She didn’t say anything else for a long time, so I prompted her.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Just…” she squeezed her eyes shut in frustration, “He wants me, I want him. We’re like fucking magnets. Whatever I tell myself, no matter how many times I promise myself we won’t do it, I won’t get involved with him, he just….he gets to me. I just can’t stay away. And then I hate myself for being so weak.”

 

It was the most I’d heard her speak at one time since we met.

 

“Why do you hold him off?” I asked, genuinely curious. What she was describing, the irresistible pull, sounded so intoxicating. There must be some reason she was pushing him away. __

“When we met, we were freshmen in college. I used to go visit Jasper on the weekends. Em was a total player,” She rolled her eyes with a smile at the memory. Her southern accent was barely noticeable now. All that was left was a slight twang to her vowels that gave her voice an added edge. The soft, lilting Deep South thing must only come out around her family. “He wanted me, he made that much clear from the start. But his reputation, his experience…I was so young, and it scared me. So I just kept pushing him away.”

 

“What about now?” I asked softly. Rose seemed desperate for an outlet for all this. I wondered if she had any real friends outside of Jasper. “Does he still sleep around?”

 

She snorted and rolled her eyes.

 

“No. In that respect at least, he’s completely reformed.”

 

“Then why not? I mean, if you want him…”

 

Rose sat up a little and turned her head to fully face me. “Alice thinks that I moved here last year to be close to Jasper. And yes, that’s part of it, for sure. But even before he met Alice and settled down, I was looking to make a change. My job? In New York?”

 

I nodded in understanding and encouragement.

 

“It was amazing, an incredible opportunity that I’d worked my ass off to achieve. And I was really good at my job. Part of me really liked it. I liked the power, working at the very top of my industry. But you know what? All I _had_ was my job. I had this tiny awful apartment that I never saw. I spent hours and hours at the office every day. Nights, weekends, you name it. No friends, no boyfriends. What kind of life is that?”

 

I didn’t say anything I just shrugged and shook my head. That seemed to be all Rose needed or wanted right now.

 

“I know what I want. What I’ve always wanted. I want to get married. I want babies. I want to raise a big, crazy family. I love my job, too, but that’s not all I love. And I knew if I stayed in New York, that’s all I would ever have. And Emmett…” She sighed and shook her head sadly.

 

“What? Does he not want a family?”

 

“I have no idea!” she threw her hands up in frustration, “He’s never in one place long enough for me to ask him! He spends his _entire life_ on the road, consulting for these companies. He’s got this place in New York, but he sees less of it than I saw of my place. I want to build a life with someone. I wish it could be Em, but he’s not someone I can build a life with. I didn’t want any more of this every-now-and-then bullshit with him. So I left New York, left the job, and left him.”

 

“Oh,” I said finally, “I see. God, Rose, that’s dismal.”

 

She gave a short, humorless laugh. “You’re telling me! And it’s been going on so long, me and Em, dancing around each other like this, that I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be able to open myself up to meet someone else. I feel like part of me is always going to be waiting for him.”

 

Her bottom lip trembled slightly and her eyes grew glassy. I felt panicky. Rose was going to cry. Tough, beautiful Rose was going to cry. I had no idea what to do. So I just reached out impulsively and gripped her hand, squeezing her fingers slightly. She drew a deep stuttering breath, and that seemed to help her get herself under control. She looked at me sideways and threw me a flash of her radiant smile.

 

“You are a good listener. Thanks for letting me dump all that on you. I’m a complete stranger.”

 

I waved a hand dismissively. “Jasper and Alice are getting married. That means we’re family now.”

 

She laughed in spite of her watery eyes. “Yeah, I guess so. It’s just…. God!” Her eyes rolled to the ceiling in frustration. “I don’t really have any women friends. Alice is great, I love her, but she’s Jasper’s fiancée, primarily. I don’t think I’ve ever told anybody all that stuff. So thanks…again.”

 

I gave her fingers another squeeze before I released her hand. “No problem. Anytime you want to talk, I’m here. Well, for the next two days anyway!”

 

She chuckled a little and shook her head before we were interrupted by Angela’s quiet voice.

 

“Oh, my fucking Christ! Remind me to never do that again!”

 

The raunchy words, coming from calm, sweet Angela, was such an unlikely dichotomy that Rose and I convulsed into helpless laughter, leaving Angela leaning on the wall next to us, wrapped in her misery.

 

Alice and Jessica arrived moments later, looking just as haggard as we felt. We took a moment to commiserate and tease each other before Alice herded us on to the spa. Thankfully it was in the indoor mall downstairs, so we didn’t have far to drag our pathetic, hung-over asses.

 

Two hours later, I had been massaged, exfoliated, scrubbed and buffed into a boneless, relaxed pile of glowing supple skin. The spa attendant wrapped me in a luxurious white fluffy towel and deposited me in the sauna, where the rest of the girls were already camped out on the wooden benches around the room. I chose to sit next to Rose, figuring I’d be less likely to see her magnificent body and feel inadequate if I was next to her rather than opposite her. She rolled her head to the side to give me a tired, little half-smile in greeting.

 

“Oh, God…..” Alice groaned, half in pleasure, half in residual hangover misery. “We are so _fail_ at being bachelorettes.”

 

“Why do you say that?” Angela mumbled. She was stretched out on her stomach along one of the benches on the lowest level, her head resting on her folded arms.

 

“Well, isn’t the idea that we get shitfaced and laid?” Alice shrugged “We all managed the shitfaced part but nobody hooked up! Not even me, since Jazz was already passed out by the time I got back! So all we’re left with today are hangovers and no sexin’ to show for it.”

 

“Are you sure nobody hooked up?” Jessica asked with a sly grin. “After all, Bella did disappear with Dr. Feel Good pretty early. Anything you want to share?”

 

My face flamed, thinking of Edward backing me into the wall, touching my lip. I opened my mouth to defend myself but nothing came out.

 

“He was just saving her from some creep,” Rose interjected suddenly. “These two guys were rubbing all over us. So gross, right Bella?”

 

I nodded dumbly, grateful for the rescue.

 

“She was wasted, and I think Edward just wanted to make sure that guy didn’t follow her back to her room or something.”

 

“Yeah, I was wasted.” Great, Bella. Sounds _totally_ convincing.

 

“What about you, Jessica?” Rose asked, deflecting her even further.

 

“Me?”

 

“Like we haven’t seen you and Mike sniffing around each other all weekend. What’s going on there?”

 

“Ugh,” Jessica rolled her eyes. “He and Jasper got so loaded last night. I think he wound up throwing up in the bathroom. Sorry, but I’m not hooking up with that hot mess. At least not while he's throwing-up hot mess."

 

Everyone else chuckled, my disappearance seemingly forgotten. But when I glanced across the room, Alice was still watching me, one eyebrow cocked, a little smile curling her lips. I just closed my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall.

 

It was another hour before I was back in my room, but my finger and toenails were expertly buffed and polished, my cuticles looked fantastic, and my eyebrows were flawlessly shaped. I glanced at the clock. I still had a while before I needed to start getting dressed for the rehearsal dinner. I headed to my closet, pulling out my black sheath dress to see if it needed pressing before tonight.

 

As my hands closed around the black fabric, depression closed over me. Just looking at the dress reminded me of Jay and the holiday party at the paper. It reminded me of Eleazar staring down the front of it all night long while Jay clutched my arm in desperation. It also made me think of all the unpleasantness that awaited me when I returned home. The dress felt tainted, like I’d never be able to wear it again.

 

The problem was that I hadn’t brought anything else appropriate for tonight. I still had plenty of time to hit the shops downstairs, but I wished I had another pair of eyes with me to help me find something appropriate. It figured that the one and only time in my life that _I_ was the one who wanted to go shopping, Alice would have a last meeting with the wedding photographer.

 

I scrolled through the contacts on my phone, grateful for Alice’s controlling, OCD tendencies, since she’d made the wedding party program each others’ numbers into our phones the minute we arrived. I found the number and before I could chicken out, I hit send.

 

“Hey, Rose? It’s Bella. Can I ask you for a favor?”

 

*0*0*

 

Twenty minutes later, Rose and I were strolling companionably through the shopping arcade, sipping coffee. It wasn’t the same as the free and easy conversation Alice and I shared, but I liked Rose. She was reserved and subdued, but friendly, in her way. She’d only hesitated briefly when I called to ask her to come shopping with me, and although she wasn’t overly demonstrative, I kept getting the feeling she was pleased that I’d asked her.

 

I still hadn’t found a dress, but we’d both been more interested at first in finding a caffeine fix, so we hadn’t looked very hard.

 

“Alright, Bella,” Rose said into the silence, “I spilled my guts this morning. Now it’s your turn.”

 

“What about?”

 

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t give me that. I covered for you today in the sauna, but you did skip out of the bar with Edward pretty early last night. And I haven’t missed the way he’s been looking at you all weekend. Give it up.”

 

I flushed and ducked my head, embarrassed that it seemed like everyone had noticed our flirtation.

 

“I have a boyfriend,” I mumbled automatically.

 

Rose just snorted and waited for me to continue.

 

After a moment I did, leaving out the embarrassing, incriminating bits. “He’s been flirting with me, but that’s all. Nothing happened last night. He just walked me back to my room.”

 

“He knows you have a boyfriend?” she asked.   
  
I nodded.

 

“Hmm.”

 

“What? What does that mean?” I asked.

 

“Just that I’ve known Edward for a long time, and although he does get around, he’s oddly moral; a real stand-up guy. I’m just surprised he’s even been flirting. Taken usually means thoroughly off-limits for him.”

 

“It still means off-limits,” I insisted. “I told you that nothing happened.”

 

“Yeah, except the way he’s looking at you, I’m not so sure.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m still taken, Rose.”

 

“I know, I know. Sorry. So tell me about your boyfriend. What’s his name?”

 

“Jay.” My answer couldn’t have been more succinct, my tone of voice less inviting, if I’d tried.

 

“And where is this Jay? Why didn’t he come this weekend?”

 

“He couldn’t get away from work. Plus, he and Alice don’t really like each other.”

 

“I’d think he’d make the effort. She is your best friend.”

 

I huffed a little, still uncomfortable with where this was headed. But, I reasoned, I asked Rose to spill her secrets with me this morning, and I suppose I owed her. “I didn’t exactly push him too hard to come.”

 

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Why not?”

 

“Just…things have been difficult lately. Tense. I needed the break.”

 

“Trouble in paradise, huh?”

 

Now it was my turn to snort and roll my eyes. “Hardly paradise. I’m leaving him.”

 

I nearly stopped walking when I heard the words leave my lips unbidden, sounding so certain. I hadn’t even been thinking it, but it just came out like that, like I’d already made up my mind.

 

_Well, haven’t you? Yes, I have._

“Oh, I see. So why not Edward, then?” Rose prompted, her voice gentle. “Because I’ve seen him looking at you, but, pardon my saying so, I’ve also seen _you_ looking at _him_.”

 

“I said I’m _leaving_ Jay. I haven’t left yet. He has no clue that I’m even thinking about this. This is already complicated and painful; I don’t need to make it harder. Plus, Edward lives on the other side of the country. I figured you’d understand the whole geography problem, considering.”

 

She nodded in agreement. “You’re right. I’m sorry to pry. It’s just that he seems so into you. More than I’ve seen him be before. And you seem really great; certainly better than the money-grubbing barflies he usually winds up with. I swear, the ‘Doctor Cullen’ thing is just a magnet for gold-diggers. It’s just…it would have been nice if it worked out, that’s all.”

 

“Yeah, it would have,” I murmured in agreement. Then I laughed a little. “I can’t believe I just told you all of that. I’ve barely even said it to myself in my head.”

 

Rose laughed, too. “I guess sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger. It was for me, anyway.”

 

She gave me a conspiratorial nudge with her elbow before steering me into a boutique and effectively ending the discussion.

 

This whole thing was rapidly spiraling out of control, I thought, as we each silently flipped through racks of dresses. I couldn’t believe that I was openly discussing the situation with a virtual stranger. I was embarrassed that it was so obvious to everyone.

 

But I still kept circling back around to what Rose said, that she’d never seen Edward so interested in someone before. Was that really true? Yes, he’d been flirting wildly with me, but I didn’t know him; I just assumed that was how he was with women. But how Rose described him didn’t fit with the image in my head. And the idea that he was _particularly_ interested in me…

 

_Stop. Just stop it now._

 

I needed to stay as far away from Edward Cullen as possible. Just tonight and tomorrow, then I’d go home on Sunday and never see him again. I could do this.

 

Sure, I could.

 

“This one, Bella.” Rose’s voice snapped me out of my little panic attack.

 

She was holding up a slip of black silk charmeuse hanging limply off a hanger. I’d have never glanced twice at it if I’d been looking at that rack, but Rose seemed certain.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes,” she thrust it at me. “Go try it on.”

 

Five minutes later, I was twirling in front of Rose, who had a satisfied smile on her face. It had a deep V in front that went all the way down to the empire waist seam just under my breasts. The skirt was gently flaring and cut on the bias, so in spite of the high waist, the fabric shimmered and hugged my body all the way down to my hips. The front and back knotted together at my shoulders, leaving silky ties trailing down my upper arms and the skirt stopped just above my knees. The fabric was so supple and soft. Just touching it felt sexy. Rose was a genius; this dress was perfect.

 

“I love it, Rose. Thank you.”

 

“He won’t be able to keep his hands off you,” she said lightly.

 

“Rose!”

 

“Kidding! I’m kidding! Just buy the damned dress, Bella.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Precipice

**_Bella_ **

 

 

After my shopping trip with Rose, I still had a few hours to kill before I needed to start getting ready for the rehearsal dinner. Alice was still tied up with a flurry of last-minute meetings, which was too bad. Aside from my breakdown on the afternoon I arrived, we hadn't had any time for a real heart-to-heart. It was just as well, I decided. She was getting married tomorrow. The last thing she needed was to be worrying about the sorry state of _my_ life.

 

I flipped through the stations on the television in my room, but the programming options available in the middle of the day on a Friday left a lot to be desired. I'd brought a book which I'd tried to start on the plane trip to Chicago, but gave up in bored disgust after two chapters. I knew that there was a gift shop in the lobby of the hotel. I didn't have much hope that they'd have more to offer than the entire Dan Brown collection, but I figured it was worth a shot. I had nothing better to do anyway, and I was discovering that sitting around alone led to brooding, and brooding was bad.

 

The gift shop was just as hopeless as I'd feared. The requisite Dan Brown along with every single book Oprah ever recommended, interspersed with some generic chick lit about rich husbands and evil bosses. I was standing there examining the back of one, trying to decide if  I could possibly get through it, when a low voice that was rapidly becoming very familiar spoke over my shoulder.

 

"I didn't peg you for the naughty nanny type."

 

I turned to see Edward peering over my shoulder, looking slightly rumpled, his jaw covered in a light scruff. My heart turned over in my chest, and I flushed from head to toe. All the heat and intensity from last night, along with the subsequent embarrassment, flooded my mind. He seemed fine however, hands stuffed in his pockets, smiling casually at me. Deciding to take my cues from him, I would just blow it off; it was no big deal, right? I mean, it’s not like anything actually happened. It was just some weird moment that I was entirely too fixated on.

 

I opened my mouth, closed it again, then finally stammered a response. "I...I'm not. Definitely not. But beggars can't be choosers." I waved a hand indicating the lackluster choices I had to work with.

 

"There's a Barnes and Noble at the end of the block," he offered helpfully. "Come on, I'll go with you."

 

Alarms went off in my head and my stomach flipped. Alone with Edward. After last night, that was definitely a bad idea. Except I wanted to. But I shouldn’t. No, I _can’t_. Except I wanted to.

 

“I don’t have my coat,” I murmured half-heartedly.

 

He shot me a sideways little smile and pointed at the windows at the front of the lobby, “It’s right there. See? You can see it from here. It’s fifty feet at the most. Come on. If you brave the cold, I’ll buy you a coffee when we get there.”

 

I shouldn’t. I want to. It’s just a bookstore…and maybe coffee. Broad daylight. That can’t be wrong. Right?

 

“Okay,” I heard myself saying. His little half-smile widened to take over his whole face and it made me catch my breath. Just the idea that anything I could do would make him smile like that…

 

I followed him through the lobby and we paused when we got to the glass doors.   
  


He looked at me and drew a deep breath. “You ready?”

 

I took a deep breath, too and nodded, smiling at him in spite of myself.

 

“It’s still pretty wet outside, so be careful. Don’t slip.”

 

Then he reached down and took my hand in his as he pushed open the door with the other. Before I could think about the appropriateness of it, he was pulling me outside into the harsh, bitter cold. A wall of wind slammed into us the second we hit the sidewalk and I screeched a little.

 

“Let’s go!” he shouted, pulling me after him down the short stretch of sidewalk. The cold wind bit right through my thin sweater and jeans and I was instantly frozen. The main part of the sidewalk was clear but there were still heaps of snow pushed to either side and filling the gutters of the street. I jogged after Edward as he walked with his enormously long strides towards the Barnes and Noble. He was right, it was hardly any distance at all, but I was shaking like a leaf as we finally burst through the glass doors to the bookstore.

 

“Oh, my God! It’s freezing out there!” I half-laughed, half-chattered, stomping my feet to warm myself back up.

 

“Sorry, too much?” he asked sheepishly.

 

“No, no. I just need to…thaw a little,” I muttered, blowing on my hands.

 

“Here,” he took both my hands between his large ones and started to rub briskly to warm them up. It made me tingle all the way up my arms and into my chest, and suddenly the problem was no longer being too cold.

 

“I’m good,” I murmured, disentangling my hands from his. His long fingers slid across the backs of my hands as we separated, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his fingertips on my skin.

 

I shook my head a little and turned away, moving towards the New Fiction section. He trailed after me, hands in his pockets. It took a few seconds for my head to clear, but it did, and the books quickly took over. My eyes skimmed author names and titles, looking for something that jumped out at me. And then something did.

 

*0*0*

 

**_Edward_ **

“Oh, my God!” Bella sighed, shooting forward and snatching a book off a pile on the New Releases table. “He did it!”

 

“Who? What?” I asked, stepping up behind her and peering over her shoulder.

 

“I know this guy!” she sighed, turning the book over in her hands and reverently running her fingertips across the author’s name. “He’s from Portland. We published a couple of his pieces in _New Moon_!”

 

She spun to look up at me, her face alight, her eyes dreamy. She was absolutely breathtaking.

 

“His work…oh, you should read it. He’s brilliant!” She clasped one hand over her chest and her voice got breathy. “He’s so incredibly talented. I’m so happy that he got a book deal!”

 

She clutched the book closer and flipped the front cover open, skimming the inside of the dust jacket. “I just hope he got a good editor. He’s so sensitive. You have to handle him just right….”

 

She was talking out loud, but not really to me anymore. Her voice was distracted, her expression distant. It was fascinating to watch. She was just lost in that book, transported to somewhere else completely. I loved it, except I wanted her here with me so I cleared my throat.

 

“So I guess you found something to read?”

 

“Hmmm?” she mumbled absently, finally tearing her eyes away from the first page and looking at me. “Oh! Sorry! Yeah. Of course. I’m so excited to dig into this!”

 

I chuckled and pulled it out of her hands, “Later. Right now I owe you a coffee.”

 

“But…”

 

“A deal’s a deal. You braved the cold and nearly turned into an icicle. Now you get  coffee. Do you drink coffee?”

 

She nodded eagerly. “Yes, too much. I’m a total addict.”

 

I smirked. “Well, I’m a medical resident, so it’s like its own food group for me. You’re in good company.”

 

I placed my hand against the small of her back to guide her to the little coffee bar in the corner of the bookstore. She ordered a gigantic latte and I just got the house coffee, black. The armchairs were all full, so we snagged a little table for two in the window. I didn’t mind; I got to sit closer to her this way.

 

There was definitely a voice in my head, the smart, responsible voice, that was telling me to back the hell off and leave this girl alone. She had a boyfriend. She _lived_ with him. That was practically like being married. Sure, Jasper had hinted that things were rocky, but she was still with him until she stopped being with him. Which meant that buying her coffee, flirting with her- it was all really wrong. But there was another, not-so-responsible voice in my head that was more than happy to take advantage of any opportunity she gave me to spend time with her. For the moment, at least, I had decided to listen to the irresponsible voice for once.

 

As soon as we sat down, she started talking, as if she was determined to keep this in a friendly, safe place. “Are you going to see your parents while you’re here?”

 

“Ah…no. My dad had a conference in Madison. When my mother found out that I was going to be staying in the city, she decided to tag along with him.”

 

“Sorry you’re missing them.”

 

I shrugged, “I’ll catch them next time.”

 

“Are you close to them?” she asked, peering at me over the rim of her cup.

 

I took just a second to consider that. “Yeah, I guess I am. I became a doctor because of my father.”

 

Bella’s face got soft as she smiled gently. “You want to be like him. That’s nice.”

 

“I really admire my dad. He’s a great person and a brilliant doctor. But my career path seems to be on a very different trajectory than his.”

 

Bella narrowed her eyes at me a tiny bit and tipped her head to the side. “Are you happy about that?”

 

I sat back as I thought about it for a second. “I…well, Lenox Hill is…it’s amazing.”

 

She nodded sagely. “It is. Is it what you want?”

 

It seemed like an utterly ridiculous question. If Lenox Hill wanted you, you fell on your knees and thanked your lucky stars and you said yes. No one had ever asked me how I felt about Lenox Hill. The answer was assumed. But now that Bella had, I honestly didn’t know the answer. I couldn’t say anything; I just scowled at my hands for a minute. She seemed to sense she’d put me on the spot, so she breezed along to a new subject.

 

“It’s sweet that your mom went with your dad this weekend.”

  
“Hmm? Oh, right. Yeah, they’re still a little joined at the hip. It’s great; they’re a great example of how a marriage should work. But they embarrassed the crap out of me in high school. No fifteen-year-old wants to catch his parents making out in the kitchen.”

 

Bella threw her head back and laughed and I soaked up the sound, tucking it away in my file of Bella fragments.

 

“What about you?” I asked. “Are your parents still in Washington?”

 

Bella’s laugh faded abruptly, and she focused on her hands as she turned her coffee cup in circles.

 

“Um, no. I have no idea where my mother is. North Dakota, the last time I heard from her, with some guy named Cody. But I think there might have been a ranch involved, which, if you knew my mother…” she gave a short bark of laughter, “I can’t imagine that’s going to last.”

 

“So they’re divorced, then. How about your dad?”

 

She almost didn’t need to answer. I could see it written all over her face the minute I said it, and I was immediately sorry I asked. I was opening my mouth to apologize, to tell her she didn’t need to talk about it and it was wrong of me to ask, when she spoke and cut me off.

 

“He died. About four years ago.”

 

“I’m sorry, Bella. Was it sudden?”

 

She shrugged, still not raising her eyes. “Depends on your point of view, I suppose. Pancreatic cancer. Six months after diagnosis.”

 

I sucked in a breath through my teeth. I was a doctor. I knew what that meant. I’d seen patients consumed by pancreatic cancer. It was the most aggressive of all the major cancers, with a staggering mortality rate. It absolutely ripped people apart. I knew it was a vicious, bitter way for someone’s life to end.

 

“I’m so sorry, Bella. Were you able to spend some time with him before he died?”

 

She smiled bitterly and looked out the window, that haunted expression still all over her face. “I dropped out of college during my senior year to take care of him,” she said without emotion.

 

“Bella…”

 

“There was just the two of us, see?” she said softly, still looking at the people walking by outside. “My mother left when I was really little. It was always just Charlie and me. So I had to take care of him at the end. I _wanted_ to.”

 

“That must have been so hard for you.”

 

She sighed heavily, “Towards the end I was actually wishing he would die. Can you believe that? He was all I had in the world, but it was so bad, I just wanted it to be over, for him to be out of pain, even if it meant I’d be alone.”

 

“Jesus, that’s…”

 

She finally turned back to look at me, a weak smile on her face. “It’s really okay, Edward. It was a long time ago. I survived.”

 

I stared back into her face as a lot of little things began to make sense. Her magazine, the vibrant, energetic girl that Angela had described, Bella shrugging it all off like it was someone else, this desolate look on her face. Yes, she’d survived, but she was far from okay. And the guy, Jay…I remembered what Jasper had said, they had been together for four years. He’d been there for it, for the aftermath. I should have moved the conversation on to something harmless and innocuous, but I couldn’t help but press for details while she was willing to share.

 

“Your boyfriend…you were together then?”

 

Her eyes widened in surprise. She didn’t want to talk about him, it was clear.

 

Slowly, she nodded, “We’d just started dating. He…he helped me through it.”

 

“Did you ever think about going back and finishing your degree?”

 

She nodded tightly. “I did. Jay pushed me to finish.”

 

“So your degree is in…?”

 

“Well, I’d been a creative writing major, but in the end I ended up graduating with just my degree in English.”

 

“Why not creative writing? Pardon me saying, but you certainly seem to have a passion for it.” I nudged her new book sitting on the table between us.

 

She smiled and kept her eyes on the table. “I did try, but…the program I was in, it’s really hard to get into and very demanding. When I came back, after my dad died, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Writing…that kind of writing, it demands that you open yourself up emotionally. What you’re writing needs to come from someplace real, real thoughts, real emotions. At least for me. After I lost Charlie, all of my emotions just seemed to lead to one place, and it wasn’t good.”

 

She sighed and looked back out the window. I said nothing. I just waited for her to go on, and eventually she did.

 

“It hurt. I missed him. Every minute of every day, I missed him. And at a certain point, I just needed a break. I needed distance; I needed to not hurt so much. So I quit writing. And it was easier. I had plenty of the right classes, I just needed a couple more things to finish my English degree, so that’s what I did.”

 

“It took so much out of you,” I said softly; a statement, not a question. “It was good you had your boyfriend to help you through it.”

 

She didn’t look at me, and her face was impassive as she nodded tightly.

 

I couldn’t imagine how an experience like hers could bond two people together. She probably couldn’t envision life without that guy, problems or not. I felt a strange sort of sadness clawing at my chest, thinking of him taking care of her, supporting her. It felt ridiculous for me to be sitting here trying to find a way into her life. Her life was full. No room or need for me.

 

I was jealous of him. Sure, I’d been jealous before over the purely physical part. I wanted Bella, and because _he_ had her, I couldn’t. That was easy to understand. But what I was feeling now was a lot thornier, and harder for me to figure out. I was jealous that he was the one she leaned on, that he was the one she needed. I was jealous that because he was there, there could never be a place in her life for me.

 

My mood was rapidly turning black as I brooded over it; this woman who I was so attracted to and so interested in, who’d already tied her life to someone else. I was angry that I’d never get a shot at her, that I hadn’t known her when she was free, before she became someone else’s. Because I really wanted a chance with her, and I’d never have it.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, “You just checked out there.”

 

I shook my head and forced a smile. “Fine. Sorry to bring up such lousy subjects. Let’s talk about Jasper and Alice,” I said with false brightness.

 

She laughed, “Yes, let’s talk about Jasper and Alice. Don’t they make a cute couple?”

 

“Cute?” I raised my eyebrows. “Not the word I would have thought to use. Unexpected.”

 

She nodded quickly, “Yes, very unexpected. He wasn’t at all what I was imagining for Alice.”

 

“And Alice isn’t exactly Jasper’s M.O.”

 

“But they fit, don’t they?” Her face was getting a little dreamy again, kind of like it did when she’d discovered her new book.

 

I smiled and nodded. “Perfectly.”

 

She met my eyes and smiled in return. I felt my stomach flip in a wholly unfamiliar way and my chest thrummed with some emotion in between elation and sadness. Bella’s smile faded, and I realized mine had as well. And still we sat looking at each other. The impulse was almost overwhelming. Reach out…touch her; her face, her hand, just make contact. But that was impossible, and the same thought seemed to occur to Bella at that moment, because she cut her eyes away to the street again and inhaled sharply through her nose. I clenched my hands into fists underneath the table.

 

“Um, I’d better get back. I have to start getting ready.”

 

I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Right. The rehearsal dinner.”

 

We didn’t speak much again. We just cleared our coffee cups and made our way back to the front of the store and out into the bitter, blowing cold once more.

 

*0*0*

 

**_Bella_ **

 

Edward and I barely spoke on the elevator ride back up to our floor. Whatever that was, that weird moment of honesty back at the bookstore, was gone now, and I, for one, was grateful for that. It shook me up and made me think. And I didn’t like where my thoughts were taking me.

 

We reached our doors and he threw a smile at me over his shoulder, reaching out to touch my arm lightly, almost missing my arm entirely. My skin burned just the same.

 

“See you tonight,” he mumbled.

 

 I just nodded and let myself into my room. I collapsed on the couch with my new book lying momentarily forgotten in my lap.

 

All that stuff I said about my writing…I hadn’t even thought about it in those terms at the time. I didn’t think I’d ever really thought about it like that at all. But somehow, talking to Edward, it just crystallized in my mind and flowed out of my mouth.

 

It was true; writing about anything at all had just been too painful. Tapping into one emotion inevitably opened the floodgates to all of them. And after a while, I just wanted a break from feeling, from hurting.   
  


Was that what Jay had been, too? He didn’t make me think too hard or feel too much. And that had been a relief. In those early days, after I lost Charlie, he was comfortable, easy, and emotionally neutral.

 

I closed my eyes and let my head fall onto the back of the couch, disgusted by myself. Did I really do that? Consciously, no. But it was crystal clear now that was exactly why I latched on to him, let him deepen a relationship that had no real roots. He was safe and had demanded so little of me then. And I’d been such a coward that I’d accepted his love and stayed for years, too afraid to try it again alone, too afraid to feel anything more than the half-love I felt for Jay.

 

I was crying before I realized it. I had made so many mistakes, and I had so much to fix. I hoped I still could fix it. I hoped that this time I could be strong enough to make the right choice, not the easy one.

 

And Edward…the bookstore. That had been a mistake after all. That conversation, the closeness I felt with him in those moments, it was all so wrong. I didn’t know what happened to me around him. Yes, I was attracted to him, in a way I’d never been to anyone before. That, I understood.

 

It was the rest that gave me chills and terrified me. Why did I talk to him like that? He was a stranger and I was telling him things, giving voice to thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t even shared with Alice.

 

The scary part was that I got the feeling that it wasn’t just me. This thing, this connection I had to him, seemed to be going both ways. When I asked him about his hospital in New York, I could tell I hit a nerve. I made him think about things that he hadn’t before.

 

And that meant that he and I were dangerous around each other. Because it wasn’t going away. Every time we talked, we got a little closer, a little more intimate. And it was wrong. He was off-limits. Hell, I was the one who was off-limits! And even if I wasn’t, we were still separated by an entire continent. I had to put the brakes on this fast before it got any further out of my control. I had enough on my plate to deal with. I didn’t need to add the beautiful, intoxicating Edward Cullen to the mix, especially when the circumstances were so impossible.

 

I’d steer clear of him tonight, I decided. We would inevitably be thrown together in the rehearsal, because of our roles to fulfill. But outside of that, no talking, no sharing, no Edward.

 

*0*0*

 

 

 

**_Edward_ **

 

Deep breaths.

 

It’s just the rehearsal dinner. I just have to sit next to her through dinner and keep my hands to myself. I can do that.

 

But Jesus Christ, that dress. The minute I looked up from my conversation with Jasper and Emmett to see her coming into the banquet hall with Alice, I could scarcely breathe. She was a beautiful woman, but in that dress…The black contrasted dramatically with her pale skin and complimented her dark hair and eyes. And it looked silky. I could imagine just how it would feel under my fingers, sliding over her skin…

 

Okay, I needed to stop now. I was already far too wrapped up in thoughts of her after the afternoon in the bookstore. Fantasizing about touching her was most certainly not going to help me manage this situation.

 

I looked anywhere but at her as the wedding party assembled and the Officiant talked us through the logistics of the wedding ceremony. I talked to everyone around me, studiously keeping my distance, until I had no choice but to go stand next to her, since I was supposed to escort her down the aisle. As we stood there, her hand tucked into the crook of my elbow, waiting for our cue to practice walking down the aisle (remind me again why we’re here?), her scent assaulted me. Soft and slightly exotic, I didn’t know what it was, but it made my head swim. How the hell was I going to keep from touching this woman?

 

She seemed to be avoiding me as well. The friendly, intimate conversation we’d shared this afternoon was gone. She stood next to me, her arm in mine, but she didn’t look at me and she hadn’t said anything to me other than a brief, murmured hello.  
  


I flinched and nearly growled out loud in frustration. Why the hell was I so obsessed with this? With her? She was taken. Off the market. Not available. I liked having my fun with women, but I had pretty strict rules about this. I didn’t do “taken”. If she was somebody else’s, then I respected that. She would not, _could_ not, be mine. Except there was this thing, this huge, undeniable thing that kept rearing up between us whenever we were together.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Her quiet voice at my side made me jump. I hastily rearranged my face, trying to relax and look happy.

 

“Yeah, fine. I was just thinking about something. How about you?” I asked, to re-direct her. “How’s the book?”

 

Once again, her face transformed and she was somewhere else.

 

“So, so beautiful. The writing, the story….it breaks your heart and makes you feel fantastic all at the same time.”

 

I couldn’t help but smile at her when she was like this, “Well, I guess it was a good thing we braved the cold then, huh?”

 

She came out of her reverie a bit and looked up at me, and goddamn it, there it was again. I felt like I was falling…into her dark eyes, into her mind and heart.

 

She nodded slowly, “A very good thing.”

 

I closed my eyes to break the connection. I couldn’t keep doing this. It was too much and too far.

 

“I’m glad you found your book,” I muttered, turning my head back to the front.

 

“Me, too.”

 

I exhaled heavily and she looked away, and that was the last time we spoke during the rehearsal itself.

 

Dinner followed at one of the restaurants in the hotel. I walked there with Jasper and Mike, trying to engage in their animated conversation about the next Star Trek movie, but I couldn’t focus. Bella was walking ahead of me between Alice and Rose. Alice was talking a mile a minute, her hands flailing, as she described some disaster that had befallen the wedding favors and the extraordinary measures she’d taken to rectify the situation. Bella was nodding throughout, and I wondered if she was really so engaged or just playing along. Was she thinking about me the way I was thinking about her? 

 

Emmett passed us to catch up to Rose, leaning forward and whispering something in her ear. She pulled to a halt and the two of them stepped to the side, faces close, urgently whispering to each other. I groaned internally. More drama; just what we needed. I really wished the two of them would just finally sort out whatever they were to each other and fucking get on with it already.

 

We reached the hotel restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was being held, and there was a small interlude of polite milling around as we all sorted out our places at the long table. I found my spot, and of course Bella was placed next to me. I would have felt like the fates were tormenting me, except that she was the Maid of Honor and I was the Best Man, and it was just the way these things worked out.

 

I glanced around to see where she might be and spotted her across the room, in a corner near the entrance with Rose. Their heads were bent close together, faces tense, deep in conversation. That was interesting. As I watched, my curiosity was piqued even further when I noticed that it was Rose doing the talking. She seemed emotional. Well, as emotional as Rose ever got. Bella was just listening, her face creased with concern. Then she reached out and grasped Rose’s hands in hers and squeezed. Rose smiled faintly and squeezed back.

 

Rose was _confiding_ in her about something. Probably Emmett, I realized, remembering their tense little tête-à-tête in the hallway on the way here.

 

I didn’t think in all the time I’d known Rose that I’d ever seen her with a close female friend. Women were terrified of Rose. And Bella had just met her. Rose was upset and talking to Bella about it, and Bella was displaying all the signs of being a supportive understanding friend. I marveled at the sight, and my estimation of Bella grew tenfold. It was remarkable that she had gained Rose’s trust so fast. I thought back to the fierce, lonely Rose I knew in college, coming to visit her brother nearly every weekend because she just wanted to feel close to someone. Then I looked to the two women in the corner again. Bella had a comforting arm around Rose’s shoulders now, murmuring something in her ear, and I felt my heart swell a little at the sight of it.

 

Why did she have to be so… _good_? Kind and sweet and smart? Why couldn’t she have opened her mouth and shown herself to be brainless and vapid? Another shallow gold-digger, like so many women I’d met before? But she was not that. She was rapidly proving herself to be just about perfect in every way. And now I was really in trouble. Because lusting after her was one thing, but liking her, admiring her, falling for her… that was another thing entirely.

 

So I sat there next to her all night, and tried not to look at her and tried not to smell her, and I concentrated on not reaching under the table to touch her knee or brush against her thigh. I willed the night to pass faster or never end, one or the other. I have no idea what we ate or how it tasted. I know I spoke to Jasper’s parents on my right, but I don’t know what we said. I know Bella spoke with Alice’s parents, but that was a blur, too. All I could feel was her body near mine, her thigh just inches away from my thigh, her hand next to mine on the white tablecloth. I was a doomed man. Because by the end of the night, I knew that unless she slapped me and told me to fuck off, I wasn’t going to be able to resist trying to kiss this woman before the weekend was over. And if she let me kiss her, we were both doomed, because there was no way I’d be able to stop there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Let No Man Put Asunder

**  
**

****

****

**_Bella_ **

 

 

“Alice, sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to add a little baby’s breath to that headpiece?”

 

Mrs. Brandon was hovering behind Alice where she was seated at the vanity. Alice shot her mother a death glare through the mirror.

 

“I don’t think baby’s breath is exactly Alice’s style,” I said in the most conciliatory tone I could muster. Cheryl Brandon turned to me, her face creased with worry.

 

“You don’t think she looks a little… _severe_?” she stage-whispered loudly. Alice rolled her eyes dramatically and huffed. I stifled my laughter.

 

“I think Alice looks perfect.”

 

Alice shot me a thankful smile. Cheryl Brandon sighed in defeat.

 

“Well, I guess you girls know best. In my day you got a little fancier on your wedding day, that’s all.” She moved off to the main room of the suite, where Jessica and Angela were making tiny adjustments to the bridesmaid’s bouquets. I stepped up behind Alice and put a hand on her bare shoulder.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay,” she said. “Thanks for that. I love her but… _guh_!”

 

I laughed and fixed a wayward hair on the back of Alice’s head and she went back to smoothing her eyebrows.

 

She was breathtaking. There was no other word for it. Her dress was a simple ivory silk satin sheath, strapless, flaring out ever so slightly from the knees down. She had an elegant crystal-encrusted comb at the crown of her head, securing a wispy little fingertip veil over the silky black wedge of her hair. Her grey eyes were dark and dramatic and her little bow lips were slicked with dark red. There was nothing else to her and she didn’t need another thing. Every inch of Alice was perfect.

 

“You look so beautiful, Ally.”

 

“Thanks, B. You look pretty good yourself, even if I did pick out the dress.”

 

I glanced at myself in the mirror and had to agree with Alice. The bridesmaids’ dresses were unconventional, which was not at all surprising for Alice. Red and black iridescent silk chiffon, with little string straps and a deep V neckline. The skirt was made up of panels of wispy chiffon, ending in uneven points around my knees. It was, dare I say it, a very sexy bridesmaid's dress.

 

It felt like I'd spent this entire weekend tricked out in a string of revealing, sexy dresses. I'd forgotten I could feel this pretty, and I liked it. It was hardly surprising that Edward was flirting so heavily with me. I looked like a woman that men would flirt with.

 

But was he really just flirting? Could I really discount our encounters as a little physical attraction? No, I couldn't. And that made me confused and more than a little scared. There was no room in my life right now for him, and certainly no room for all the complications that came along with him.

 

Alice cleared her throat pointedly and my head snapped up. I was still standing in front of the floor-length mirror, but I’d been just staring off into space.

 

“Hey, where did you just go? I thought I was going to have to send out a search party."

 

“I’m fine,” I lied, looking up to smile at her, “Just thinking.”

 

“Not about Jay, please. You promised me you wouldn’t let it get to you this weekend, B.”

 

“And I haven’t, really. I swear.”

 

“Yeah, you _have_ been a little…distracted. In a good way. In an Edward-y way.”

 

I groaned. “Oh, God, not you too, Ally.”

 

“What?”

 

“First Rose gave me the third degree about this, and now you, too? Minutes before you’re supposed to be walking down the aisle, I might add. Surely you have more important things to be thinking about right now.”

 

“I always have time to think about you, babe,” Alice smiled broadly. “Anything you want to share with the group, Ms. Swan?”

 

“No, Alice, nothing.”

 

“Nothing to tell or nothing you’re willing to share?” She was smiling up at me with that devious grin I knew so well. The elegant bridal veneer did little to hide the eager inner thirteen-year-old looking to trade our deepest, darkest secrets, and for a minute I wanted to laugh at how so very little had really changed about us.

 

“Both," I said, shortly. "Now can we stop talking about something that's never going to happen? It’s just wrong.”

 

Alice sighed heavily and opened her mouth to continue, but Angela poked her head around the door frame and interrupted.

 

“Hey, ladies. I think it’s time to go downstairs.”

 

“I’ll finish with you later, missy,” Alice said, pointing a finger at me.

 

“Alice, if you can seriously think about continuing this conversation later tonight, then Jasper isn’t doing something right. Do I need to speak with him?”

 

Alice laughed, and for the moment, she seemed willing to drop the subject. Mrs. Brandon was flitting around the room, adjusting our dresses, herding us towards the door, her sequined periwinkle jacket throwing tiny reflections all over the walls. The room was filled with happy chatter as we straightened skirts, smoothed hair, exchanged bouquets and checked the mirror redundantly. Within a few minutes, we had finally managed to leave the room and we had Alice bundled into an elevator, on her way down to join herself in marriage to Jasper.

 

We assembled outside the hall, laughing and talking with the groomsmen already waiting there. I managed to avoid speaking to Edward by staying close to Angela and Ben, but that didn't mean I didn't see him. _In a tuxedo._ Ben had to repeat himself twice before I could focus enough to answer his question. Edward in a tux had to be the hottest thing I'd ever seen, and I'd seen him be pretty hot quite often already. This night was going to be endless.

 

The photographer arrived, and we spent the next hour preserving tonight for all time. Edward and I were positioned to stand next to each other several times. The first time, we both muttered strained “hellos”, but otherwise, we didn't talk. I focused my attention wholly on the photographer's instructions. This was Alice's night; I was here for her. I was going to get through this last night in Edward's intoxicating presence by focusing on that and only that.

 

Once the photographer wrapped up the portraits, Mrs. Brandon pulled Alice and the bridesmaids away and shooed the men into the hall where Mrs. Hale was waiting to claim them. We spent a few minutes fixing lipstick and fluffing hair, and I helped Alice re-secure her veil. Colonel Brandon reported for father-of-the-bride duties and Mrs. Brandon left us to go find her seat inside. Then it was time and the music started to play; the doors were thrown open and Jessica took her first steps down the aisle.

 

The ceremony was spectacular. The hall was lit by more white taper candles than I could count, and arrangements of velvety red roses and white lilies exploded from every corner and ledge. A string quartet played Mouret’s _Rondeau_ as the bridesmaids preceded Alice and Colonel Brandon down the white runner. Jasper stood at the front, hands clasped tightly in front of him, handsome in his black tuxedo, his shaggy blonde hair tamed for the night. His face was frozen and he looked nervous as hell until I stepped to the left and Alice appeared behind me, lightly clutching a spray of three calla lilies in one hand and her father’s arm in the other. He saw her and his face dissolved in an ear-to-ear grin that made my heart hurt.

 

I caught sight of Edward over Jasper’s shoulder, and I was sure his face must have been a reflection of mine. His eyes were soft, and he had a happy grin on his face as he watched Jasper watching Alice approach. Our eyes finally met and there was that same flare of intensity and heat that there always was when I looked at him. It was like an odd sort of recognition; like I had been looking at his face my whole life even though it was brand-new to me. And like it always did, it made my breath fail in my chest for a moment. Then I dragged my eyes away from him and resolved not to look again. This was Alice’s moment, and nothing would distract me from her now.

 

Colonel Brandon leaned down and kissed Alice’s ivory cheek before passing her hand to a beaming Jasper. The Colonel wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was crying as he stepped away to join his wife in the front pew.

 

Alice turned to me and passed me her lilies as the Officiant began the ceremony. She looked directly at me for just a moment, and the happiness I saw there made me tear up as well. I felt my heart swell with love for her, and for Jasper, for making this girl, who was truly my sister, radiate with this kind of joy.

 

The Officiant began to speak and I did my best to pay attention. But when she talked of the promise that Alice and Jasper were making, the faith they were showing in each other, setting forth on this journey through the rest of their lives together, my mind wandered of its own accord to Jay.

 

Even in our best moments, I never could really picture the two of us standing where Alice and Jasper were now. Jay had always taken our eventual marriage for granted and was therefore not in any great hurry to make it official. In his mind, we were a foregone conclusion right from the start. But I could see now that never, not even when things were good, did I ever seriously consider making this promise to him. I wanted to cry in frustration at the waste of time, at the wretched situation I’d allowed myself to fall into with him. All because he was kind and supportive when I needed someone, _anyone,_ to be kind and supportive.

 

I’d put up with so much since then; his insecurity, the lack of passion, the way my life seemed to shrink to accomodate his; all out of gratitude and some pathetic fear of being left alone. Well, that would change, I promised myself. I still had no idea of what I would say, exactly how I would end it and leave, and I knew that there was no way he'd make it easy for me, but I knew without a doubt that I would do it. It was time to stand by myself and start all over.

 

The ceremony was mercifully short. Alice always had unerring good sense about these things, plus I knew that if she had her druthers, we'd already be at the reception, drinking ourselves under the table. The Officiant pronounced Jasper and Alice husband and wife as a beaming Jasper pulled Alice into his arms and kissed her hard, stopping just short of scandalous. We all laughed as he released her, and Alice tried to remove her lipstick from his mouth with her thumb. She retrieved her flowers from me and I hugged her.

 

"I'm so incredibly happy for you, Ally," I whispered.

 

"Thanks, B. So much. Thanks for just...being here and being you. I love you, sweets."

 

"I love you, too."

 

Both of us were crying at this point, our voices high and pinched as we tried not to mess up our mascara. I released her and she fell in beside Jasper as the wedding party led the way out of the hall.

 

The rest was a blur; the recessional, the receiving line, greeting the hundreds of family and friends who’d come. Edward stood next to me, smiling and shaking hands. For the better part of an hour we were both too busy making small talk with guests for there to be any real interaction between us. But finally the line of well-wishers thinned, and we were left smiling tightly at each other. He spoke first.

 

“You look beautiful,” he said softly, his eyes boring into mine, causing my insides to ignite with just those three words.

 

I blushed and looked at my feet, trying to think of a way to neutralize his compliment, “Yeah, Alice did a great job choosing the dresses. Way better than the usual horrors I’ve seen.”

 

Edward was quiet for a moment, his eyes darting around the room, before he leaned in again and murmured, “It’s not the dress; it’s you.”

 

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly, willing my heart rate to slow down, before I looked up at him. He was looking at me, his face absolutely serious, his eyes intense. Something had shifted; I could feel it. I’d felt it start to shift under me yesterday in the bookstore, like a chasm opening under my feet, and it just kept growing, threatening to swallow me whole. I knew I needed to get some distance from him and clear my head a little if I hoped to make it through the night unscathed.

 

“Thank you,” I whispered lamely, “Excuse me, I need the ladies room. I’ll see you at the reception.”

 

And then I fled. I tried to walk slow, but I barely kept from running. I found a rest room and locked myself in a stall and hid there until I thought that everyone had gone into the reception. It was in a room adjoining the one where the ceremony was being held, so there wasn’t far to go; there was no way I could claim I’d gotten lost. I was wondering just how long I could put this off when I heard the door open and the soft click of heels enter.

  
“Bella? Are you in here?” It was Rose.

 

I left the stall, smiling awkwardly at her.

 

“Is everything okay? You just vanished.”

 

“Yeah, I just needed a little space for a minute.”

 

She watched me for a second before she said, “Edward?”

 

I thought about lying, but Rose and I were both past that. I’d confided in her, she’d confided in me.

 

“Yeah. He’s just…it’s intense, that’s all.”

 

“I see that. Can you handle tonight?”

 

“I’ll be fine. One more night and I’m gone.”

 

She said nothing; she just appraised me, one eyebrow slightly arched. “Okay, then. Because they’re waiting for you to introduce the wedding party. He’s got to escort you in.”

 

“Right. Sorry, let’s go.”

 

She ushered me out ahead of her and we rejoined the wedding party clustered by the entrance to the reception. Edward ducked his head and looked at me questioningly, but I just smiled tightly and slid my hand into the crook of his offered arm, trying to ignore how good it felt to touch him even in this tiny way.

 

The rest of the wedding party preceded us, Ben and Angela, Mike with Jessica, as he tried hard not to stare down into her cleavage. Then came Rose and Emmett, the two of them looking absolutely anywhere but at each other, the tension between them so thick you could almost reach out and touch it. Last were me and Edward. He rested a hand on the small of my back as he escorted me to the long table reserved for the wedding party. He helped me into my seat, scooting it in for me, and I felt his fingers brush across my shoulder slightly before he sat down next to me.

 

Alice and Jasper took their spot next to us at the head of the table and I was momentarily distracted from my own problems by the ridiculous glowing smiles on their faces. They looked so happy, so completely lost in each other. Jasper kept leaning over to whisper things in Alice’s ear and every time, she would duck her head and smile broadly. I swear that once I saw her actually blush, which had to be a first. He rested one hand at the base of her neck, his fingers playing with her hair, while with the other, he held her left hand and absently toyed with her new ring.

 

“It’s nice, huh?” Edward’s low murmur right next to my ear made me jump. He was leaning in close to me, smiling, his eyes on Jasper and Alice. He’d tamed his wild auburn hair tonight, but it still looked so thick and silky, and my hands fisted against the impulse to touch it. I’d never been so close to his face. I could see little gold flecks in the bright green of his eyes and I noticed how insanely long and thick his eyelashes were. He’d shaved very recently; his cheeks and jaw were completely smooth. I found myself wondering how it would feel if I leaned forward just a little and let my cheek brush his. And I could smell him; he smelled like soap and skin. It made my head swim and my mouth water. I was assaulted with an urge to lick him, right there along the underside of his jaw, just to see what he'd feel like on my tongue. I swallowed thickly and tried to remember what he’d just said to me.

 

“What?”

 

“Alice and Jasper. How happy they are. It’s nice.”

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

“How about you?”

 

I looked up at him then. He wasn’t smiling anymore and he wasn't looking at Jasper. Those sparkling green eyes were fixed on mine, his dark brows drawn together.

 

“What about me?”

 

“Are you walking down the aisle with…what’s his name again?”

 

“Jay.” His name fell from my lips automatically, although my heart was racing at the direction this conversation had just taken.

 

“Jay. Right. So…are you and Jay up for this any time soon?”

 

It was really a blameless question. I had a serious boyfriend, it was the kind of question people asked you at weddings when you had a serious boyfriend. But this didn’t feel blameless, and it didn’t feel at all like casual conversation. Tension was rolling off Edward in waves.

 

I hadn’t thought about what to say, but I felt my head shaking slowly. I couldn’t manage any actual words. Edward’s shoulders relaxed infinitesimally, but his face was still fierce.

 

He didn’t respond to my head shake, he just kept staring at me, pinning me like a butterfly to a board, until the DJ asked us to raise our glasses to toast the bride and groom. As I broke my eyes away, reaching out for my wine glass, I realized my hand was trembling. I was in trouble tonight; I knew that now without a doubt.

 

 

 

**_Edward_ **

 

She shook her head 'no'.

 

I don’t know what came over me, the same mindless mania I’d fallen into last night at the rehearsal dinner, but before I knew it, I was actually asking her if she was going to marry her loser boyfriend. She didn’t say anything, but she shook her head 'no'.

 

I tried telling myself that it didn’t matter. He was still her boyfriend. She still lived in Seattle; I still lived in New York.

 

But that little shake of her head broke something in me. From that moment on, I couldn’t make myself be aware of anything else in the room. I just wanted to sit as close to her as possible- touch her- talk to her. I felt myself sinking into something I knew was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to care any more. I was just tired of trying to stay away from her, so I decided I wouldn't. If she wanted me to back off, then she was going to have to say it outloud.

 

Dinner was served, but I was barely aware of what they put in front of me. Bella scarcely touched her food, either. I wondered if she was as distracted by my presence as I was by hers. I was certain that this thing was not entirely one-sided. But was she attracted enough? Did she want me enough to do something she knew was wrong?

 

Realizing where my thoughts had gone, I nearly groaned outloud in self-disgust. I was sitting here plotting the seduction of this woman; this woman who was taken. And she was Alice’s best friend. Alice, who was now married to my best friend. What the hell was wrong with me?

 

“Edward?”

 

Said woman’s seductive voice broke me out of my self-flagellation. I snapped my head around to look at her. She nodded her head at the server, who’d apparently been trying to get my attention.

 

“More wine, sir?”

 

“Yes, please.” I said, sliding my glass forward. Then I reached for Bella’s and slid it forward, too. “For the lady, as well.”

 

“Oh, I’ve already had two glasses. I’m not sure…”

 

“That’s not nearly enough,” I smirked at her.

 

“Enough for what?”

 

“If you’re saying no, you haven’t had enough.”

 

I am a total bastard.

 

Bella flushed, but she took the wine glass when the server handed it back to her and raised it to drink, her eyes staying on mine the whole time. The music began and the DJ announced the first dance of the bride and groom. Jasper stood and took Alice’s hand, helping her out of her seat. They took to the floor, Alice’s tiny frame pressed up against Jasper. Bella and I watched them in silence for a few minutes, my right arm draped across the back of her chair. She was staring at Alice, her eyes misty.

 

“How long have you known Alice?” I asked in her ear. I saw her shiver at the feel of my breath on her neck and I smiled. I imagined leaning forward and running my tongue along the same path my breath had just taken.

 

“Since we were little kids. The first day of kindergarten. She’s always been my best friend. And after my mom left, we were even closer. I think that’s why I’m so close to her parents. I didn’t exactly have a lot waiting at home for me.” She shifted her eyes to the side to look at me. “Sorry, that was more information than you needed.”

 

“I’d like to know,” I said, reaching up my right thumb to rub it gently across the back of her shoulder and I saw a flush of goosebumps raise along her arms.

 

“Um, that was pretty much it. My mother left; my father never really got over her. He loved her until he died.”

 

“Do you miss her?”

 

Bella paused to consider the question for a moment. The DJ requested that the parents of the bride and groom join them on the dance floor, and Bella’s eyes followed Colonel Brandon as he made his way to Alice’s side. “I miss the potential of her, if that makes any sense. I miss what might have been if she’d been different. If she could have handled having a family. It would have been nice to have a mother when I lost my father; to have not been alone for that.”

 

“You’re not alone, you know. Alice adores you. Her parents do, too. You’ve got…other people in your life.”

 

I didn’t say his name or allude to him in any way, but my meaning was clear. She didn’t need him. Not for security, and not for anything else.

 

She smiled softly and looked down at her hands. “Yeah, I think I’m just starting to figure that out.”

 

The DJ saved us from another too-intimate moment by requesting that the wedding party now join the bride and groom on the dance floor.

 

Clearing my throat, I resolved to lighten the mood between us. I leaned in close to her again, holding a hand out to her. “Shall we dance, Ms. Swan?”

 

She smiled and slid her hand into mine, letting me help her to her feet. Alice and Jasper’s wedding song was still playing, “At Last” by Etta James. Three hundred guests were watching us as I led her to the dance floor, but it felt like we were completely alone. I turned to face her, reaching out to put my hand on her waist and pull her into me. She settled one hand on my shoulder and I held our joined hands curled against my chest. I could feel the whole length of her pressed up against me. It was the closest I’d ever been to her and I felt drunk from the contact.

 

We were dancing too close for casual acquaintances in a wedding party. I knew it and I didn’t care. People might talk; we might be creating quite a little scandal. I didn’t care. I just wanted to focus on the feel of her hand in mine, her body pressed to mine, my arm holding her close to me. She kept her eyes down, but her breathing was shallow, her lips parted slightly. She was just as affected by what was happening between us as I was, I was sure of it.

 

I heard the DJ inviting the rest of the guests to join us on the floor, but I didn’t look away from Bella’s face, her downcast eyes. We just slowly moved in tandem, fingers entwined, not speaking. Bodies filled the space around us and still we swayed, curled around each other, too slow for the new song that was playing. I couldn’t take it any more. I needed to say something, address what was happening, ask her if she wanted…

 

“Bella?”

  
She finally raised her eyes to me, dark and glittering in the candlelight surrounding us. I lost my train of thought, just staring into her beautiful face. She didn’t seem to be waiting for more from me, she just gazed back.

 

“Do you mind if I steal our girl away for a dance, Edward?”

 

Colonel Brandon’s voice shattered our moment. I turned to look at him and tried to arrange my face into something less murderous than what I was feeling. Bella cleared her throat and dipped her head before letting go of my hand. I reluctantly released her waist and let Alice’s father lead her away.

 

I stalked back to the table and dropped into my chair, watching her dance with Colonel Brandon. She was beaming up at him, her head tipped back, her dark hair gently curling and swaying around her bare shoulders. I swallowed down the maddening lust and want I was feeling. Truly, it made me happy to see her have this moment with him, especially after all she’d told me about her own father. My heart broke for her loss, and I was grateful to him for filling that role for her in whatever small way he was able.

 

“Looks like your night is sucking as much as mine, Eddie,” Emmett drawled, falling heavily into the chair next to me.

 

“Where’s Rose?” I asked absently, not wanting to look away from Bella.

 

“Why do you assume it’s Rose that’s twisting my nuts tonight? Maybe I’m done with that shit. Maybe I’ve moved on. Maybe I’m tapping some hot cousin or family friend or some shit.”

 

I shot a bored, disbelieving glance at him over my shoulder.

 

“Alright, fine. It’s Rose. She sent me packing. Told me to leave her the fuck alone tonight. For good, for that matter, but she always says that.”

 

“Jesus, Em. Just close the deal with her. What are you waiting for?”

 

“She doesn’t want me. Not now, not like this. That’s the problem. She wants Mr. Home-by-six, white picket fence, and that’s just not me.”   
  


“So what, you’re just going to let her get away? You’re going to watch her marry some other undeserving fuck someday? Because you know that’s what will happen if you don’t sort this out, right? You’ll be sitting here getting drunk while you watch Rose out there in the white dress with some other guy.”

 

Emmett just blinked at me for a minute, then looked across the floor to where Rose was dancing with her father.  
  


“The hell if some home town boy is going to get his hands on Rose. Over my fucking dead body.”

 

“You’d better think long and hard about the future, Em, and how you really want to watch it play out.”

 

Emmett stared into his scotch for a long moment, pensive.   
  
“When did you get to be so wise?” he finally said with a wry chuckle.

 

“Fuck, I don’t know, Em. Don’t listen to me. I don’t know shit.” And that was the truth.

 

“Is she messing with your head?” He nodded at Bella out on the dance floor. I followed his line of sight to where she was still dancing with Colonel Brandon.

 

“No, she’s not messing with my head. She’s not like that. She’s perfect. And that’s the problem.”

 

“So?”

 

“So what?”

 

“What are _you_ going to do about it?”

 

“I have no idea, Em. None of my options are very good right now.”

 

“Well, one option is looking very good. Drink more.” He shoved a glass of scotch towards me and I threw it back, reveling in the warmth sliding down my throat. Emmett leaned in close to whisper in my ear. “And fucking _go_ for it, man.”

 

I thought about that for a minute, letting the scotch work its way into my system, watching Bella dance with Alice’s father. Emmett was right. What was there left to lose at this point? I’d already pushed this whole thing way too far. I might as well just keep going, make a move and see what she did. If I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

 

The song ended and Bella returned to the table. I’d scooted my chair closer to hers in her absence, so when she settled in, my thigh was pressed along the length of hers. Jasper signaled the waiter for a bottle of champagne and the wedding party began toasting. First to the happy couple, then to our families, then to our old friendships. There was always a reason to drink a little more. I draped my arm around the back of Bella’s chair and as the evening wore on, I let it slip down, until it was draped across her back and she didn’t make me stop. I made lazy circles on the skin of her bare shoulder, and she only shifted a little closer to me in response.

 

The cake was cut and there were more champagne toasts. Alice asked for extra bottles and the refills flowed liberally. Bella was cautious, and although she was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol, she wasn’t sloppy drunk like Jessica and Mike. In their inebriated state the two of them could barely keep their hands off each other. Angela was just as far gone, slumped into Ben’s side, a happy, soft grin on her face. Alice had abandoned her bridal decorum and her shoes and had her legs draped across Jasper’s lap as he rubbed one of her feet. Rose and Emmett had disappeared…again.

 

“Unchained Melody” began to play, and I reached my free hand down to grab Bella’s. I tightened my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into my side as I leaned down and whispered, “Come dance with me.” She looked at me, eyes wide, but she didn’t hesitate. She just rose to her feet to follow me.

 

Again, I pulled her in to me, wrapping my arm around her waist, holding her hand tightly against my chest. She leaned against me, so close. Her head tipped forward and I could sense that her impulse was to rest her cheek on my shoulder, but she was resisting. I tightened my hold on her and turned my face down to hers. Our faces were close together, we were suspended in a little bubble of air between the two of us, breathing each other's breaths. As I tipped my head forward, hers tipped, too and finally came to rest on my shoulder. I felt her sigh. The scent of her hair drifted up to me, soft and sweet. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek against the top of her head, reveling in pure sensation and the warmth of her body pressed against mine.

  
We were far too close this time, but fuck it. The reception had long since left respectability behind. The local guests had mostly departed, so all that was left were the out-of-towners staying in the hotel. They didn’t have to worry about driving home, all they had to do was stagger upstairs to their rooms, so they had all had way too much to drink. And never mind the wedding party, which was on its way to total oblivion. No one noticed the Best Man and the Maid of Honor wrapped around each other in a completely inappropriate way out on the dance floor. There was no one there to judge us, to judge _me_ for what I was about to do.

 

The candles lining the room were burning down, making the place swim with heat and fragrance. The lush music filled the space. Couples moved and swayed all around us, and it was warm out here on the dance floor, much warmer than back at the table.

 

“Edward...” Bella murmured.

 

I bent my head down to her ear as I slid my hand up her back to rest on the warm, bare skin between her shoulder blades. “What is it?’ I whispered, letting my lip brush her ear very gently. She sighed and rolled her head forward to rest her forehead against my chest.

 

“I just…”

 

She had her eyes shut tight and her hand was gripping mine fiercely. That’s it. I was done. It was ridiculous to keep pretending that we were just friends or that this wasn’t happening.

 

“Come on. I need to talk to you.”

 

I walked her off the dance floor, down a small dark hallway to the right of the DJ’s table.  She didn’t argue or resist, she just let me lead her away. The hallway led to some administrative offices and was unlit and empty.

 

Bella leaned back against the wall, her eyes locked on me, her face apprehensive. I stepped forward, into her personal space, and my hands closed around her upper arms, rubbing gently, reassuring her, so she didn’t bolt. I knew I told her I needed to talk to her, but now that I had her here alone, words of any kind seemed entirely inadequate.

 

I was still standing right in front of her, just inches between us. My hands were still gliding slowly up and down her arms. My head was leaning down towards her, she was looking up at me in this dark half-light of the hallway. I stopped rubbing her arms and my fingers curled in, gripping her tightly. Her face froze, but her eyes stayed locked with mine. I took a half step in, and I was nearly flush with her as I brought one hand up to cup her face. I let my thumb skim across her cheekbone and leaned in. She tensed under my hands, and she shut her eyes tight. I could see the war going on inside of her. She knew she should push me away, but she didn’t want to. And goddammit, I knew I should just back away, but I didn’t want to. I was breaking every rule I had. She was torturing herself over this attraction and instead of helping her, giving her some space, I was taking advantage of her confusion. But I didn’t care anymore.

 

I tipped my head down closer to hers and exhaled. At the feel of my breath on her face, her eyes fluttered open and met mine again. There was nothing there but desire now. She was giving in. Instead of the guilt I should have felt, I felt only elation as I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. The jolt of heat and electricity that flared as I touched her startled me, but then all I could think of was getting closer, tasting more of her.

 

Nothing existed but her in this wrong moment that felt so perfect. I pressed harder and her lips opened under mine slightly. It was all I needed as I pushed my tongue in, seeking hers. I found it, and swept it with my own, moaning quietly into her mouth. I released her arm and reached around her waist, pulling her up tight against me. Her hands slipped up to my shoulders and then kept going as she laced her fingers together behind my neck. I released her face and slid my hand into her hair, fisting it, gripping her tight as my tongue plunged into her mouth.

 

God, she felt so good, she tasted so sweet. Cake and champagne and Bella. There was no way that this was wrong. And there was no way that I was letting go of her now that I had her, now that I’d felt her. I pressed her back against the wall and dropped my hand to her hip, caressing it through the silky fabric of her dress. I gripped, pulling her hips tighter to mine, knowing she could feel how hard I was and how much I wanted her. She sighed into my mouth.

 

I felt her fingers in my hair, her nails softly scraping my scalp as she tugged my head closer to her. Yes, closer, more, all of you. My hand left her hip, skimming down to her thigh. I wanted to pull her leg up, to wrap it around my waist, to thrust myself against her and let her feel me where I wanted to be. She gasped for air underneath my mouth, so I moved to her neck, kissing her, tasting her, wanting to suck, bite, mark her. Her head was thrown back and my teeth were just skimming the skin pulled taut over her collarbone when the DJ’s piercing voice cut through the fog of my lust.

 

“And now for the throwing of the bouquet. Can we have all the single ladies?”

 

I picked my head up to look Bella in the eye. Her eyes were wide, her mouth dropped open as she dragged in deep breaths.

 

“Bella…” my voice was ragged. I stared into her eyes, willing her to stay here with me, fuck all that shit. Better still, come back to my room, lay underneath me, let me strip you bare and touch every inch of you.

 

“I have to go. Alice will want me,” she whispered.

 

I leaned in close, my lips just brushing the corner of her mouth, her slightly swollen, pink lips. “Stay.”

 

She squeezed her eyes shut and balled her hands into fists, pushing slightly on my chest. “I have to go.”

 

I wanted her so fucking desperately that I thought I might kill for her in that moment, but I wouldn’t force her into a wall in a dark hallway and ravage her. That wasn’t right. So I stepped back with a sigh and let her slip out from underneath me. She ran away down the hall, back to the reception, without a backwards glance. I pounded my head into the wall a few times for clarity before I slowly followed her. I didn’t return to our table; instead I paced along the back edge of the dance floor, as close as I could get to Bella without intruding on the event at hand.

 

Alice was up on the DJ’s stand, swaying lightly and giggling. She was wasted, it was clear. Jasper sat back at our table, arms thrown wide across the backs of the neighboring chairs, grinning madly at his new wife, also drunk as hell. I hoped for his sake he could still get it up on his wedding night. The girls from the wedding party were all in attendance in the cluster on the dance floor, except for Rose, who never resurfaced with Emmett. The reception had cleared out dramatically, only the seriously intoxicated guests remained.

 

Bella hung towards the back of the group, distracted, barely paying attention to the jostling scrum of female friends and relatives around her. She ran a finger over the edge of her lips, to wipe away her smeared lipstick, and I felt the tiny gesture in my groin. This was not over. She would have to send me away, say the words to make me leave, before I would give up on this. And even then, I wasn't confident at all that I'd be able to obey her.

 

Alice laughed again before she turned around, closed her eyes, and threw the flowers back over her shoulder, nearly toppling over in the process. The tussle was epic, but Jessica came out the winner. She waved the flowers wildly overhead before she staggered drunkenly to the side. Bella caught her in time to keep from going over. Jessica was hanging from Bella now, loudly exclaiming her love and devotion to her. Bella tried to get her back on her feet, but Jessica seemed too far gone. Bella smiled at her indulgently before tightening her grip on her waist. Without a glance in my direction, she turned and helped Jessica out of the reception hall. Gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. He Called Me Baby All Night Long

**  
**

**_Bella_ **

 

 

“Bella, I love you _soooo_ much! You know that, right? Alice told me you were cool, but _damn_! You’re like my new, very very _best_ friend.”

 

I leaned my head back away from Jessica’s drunken slurring in my ear while still trying to keep my grip on her waist. She was completely unwieldy, nearly dead weight, but plenty alive to wiggle constantly in my grasp and stagger wildly, nearly toppling me over in the process.

 

It was taking all of my coordination and concentration to keep us both upright and moving towards her room. That was okay, though. Anything to help distract me from _that,_ what just happened in that dark hallway with Edward. My whole body was set on fire and my face flushed just from the memory of it. His mouth…nobody had ever kissed me like that before. It was even better than his hands, those incredible hands, gripping my hair, skimming my skin, holding my hips…Oh, Christ, I needed to stop. I drew a deep breath, adjusting my grip on Jessica.

 

“I love you, too, Jessica. Now let’s get you to your room where you can sleep this off, huh?”

 

She pouted dramatically. “Sleep? Alone?”

 

“Don’t you think that’s for the best?”

 

“No way! No sense wasting all this liquor and all this hotness just so I can sleep _alone_. Where’s the fun in that?”

 

I smiled as “sense” came out with a lisp.

 

“Well, _I’m_ not sleeping with you and hooking up with some random stranger is not an option, so let’s just…”

 

“Who said anything about a stranger?” she giggled. “I want to hook up with _Mike_!”

 

“Maybe some other time, Jess. Now help me…”

 

“Noooo! Tonight! Come _on_ , Bella! Help me find him!”

 

“Jess, if you can’t manage that on your own, then you’re probably too drunk to be thinking about sleeping with him.”

 

“You’re no fun. C’mon! Help me find Mike and then you can get back to Edward.”

 

I flushed and stammered. “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Bullshit,” she snapped. “I saw you two tonight. You think I can’t tell what’s happening?”

 

For someone so incredibly drunk, she was remarkably clear on this subject. I was saved from coming up with a response by the voice of the very person Jessica was hoping most to find.

 

Hey! Jess, Bella! Wait up!”

 

Mike was jogging unsteadily down the hall towards us, his eyes bleary, his face flushed. Jessica beamed at him like her dream man was sweeping towards her.

 

“Hey! I was looking for you!” Jessica cooed, releasing her grip on me to throw her arms around Mike’s neck. She stumbled and it took both me and Mike to right her.

 

“I can get Jess back to her room, Bella, if you want to go back to the reception.”

 

I looked from her to him and back again. She was clearly wasted, so on the one hand, I really shouldn’t hand her off to a guy who possibly had all kinds of less-than-honorable plans for her. That violated every girl code in the book. On the other hand, Jessica wanted him. She’d wanted him all weekend, even when she was stone cold sober. She was shooting me withering glares now, willing me to vanish, so maybe I just should. She was a big girl, right?

 

“It’s cool, Bella,” she murmured into Mike’s neck. “Mike will take good care of me, won’t you Mike?”

 

I gave him a fierce glare. “Will you, Mike?”

 

He smiled and held a hand up to placate me. “It’s fine, Bella. I’ll make sure she’s okay. I promise.”

 

Maybe I was a moron, but I actually believed him. It was the look in his eyes when he glanced down at her that finally convinced me. He really liked her; it wasn’t just alcohol and lust.

 

“Alright then, have fun, kids.” I threw up my hands and turned on my heel, heading back down the hall towards my room.

 

“You’re not going back to the reception?” I turned my head to look back. Mike was stammering now, “I think…I mean… I think Edward was looking for you.”

 

I froze and looked at my feet. “No,” I murmured, “I’m not going back. Goodnight, guys.”

 

I turned and continued back down the hall and around the corner to my room as Mike and Jessica’s voices faded into the distance. I found the key card tucked into the side of my strapless bra where I’d stashed it earlier tonight and let myself in. I didn’t turn on the lights. I just leaned against the wall in the dark, trying to clear my head. 

 

All that champagne was still making me feel a little fuzzy and warm, and my nerves were absolutely shattered by what had happened tonight. A huge part of me wanted to run right back downstairs to the reception, find Edward, drag him back to that dark hallway and pick up where we left off. The impulse to do so was almost overwhelming. Nothing had ever felt so _right_.

 

But instead I stayed where I was, with my forehead and my fists pressed against the cool wall, my eyes closed tight, just listening to my own breathing, willing this feeling to go away and leave me in peace. I gripped my key card so hard that the sharp edges of the plastic were nearly cutting into my palm. I welcomed the pain. Anything to ground me, bring me back to reality. If I could just make it through the rest of the night, alone here in the dark, then I would be okay. I could leave tomorrow without crossing that last, worst line.

 

The knock on my door, just to my left, was soft, barely a tap. But it echoed through the room like a gunshot, making me jump. I turned to stare at the door, knowing exactly who it was and what would happen if I opened it. I didn’t ever really decide to do it. I never truly made up my mind. It was like there was never any choice to be made in the first place. The instant I knew he was on the other side of that door, I knew there was no way I could resist opening it. And I knew exactly what would happen once I did. Before I could stop to think it through, my hand reached out on its own, closing around the brushed steel handle and depressing it. The lock clicked and the door opened in towards me, letting in a shaft of light from the hall. I stepped forward into the narrow opening.

 

Edward was there, filling the opening, one hand gripping the frame hard, his knuckles white. His head was bowed and he wasn’t looking at me. His hair was a mess, no longer tame and tidy like it had been earlier. It looked like he’d been raking it ceaselessly with his fingers. Or maybe that was from my fingers earlier. His right palm rested flat against my door, but he wasn’t pushing on it, he wasn’t forcing his way inside. He looked full of barely restrained emotion, like one tiny change in the atmosphere around him would cause him to explode.

 

When he finally spoke, his voice was low, a ragged rumble from deep in his chest. “I know it’s wrong…and that I have no right to ask you…but please, Bella…”

 

He released the doorframe and his hand dropped to my hip, pulling me gently.

 

And I let him.  I let him lead my body forward one unsteady step until he was just a breath away from me. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine. His eyes were squeezed shut. “Please,” he whispered, “just give me tonight. Let me have tonight with you, Bella.”

 

His other hand left the door and his fingers wove into my hair at the base of my skull, holding my head against his. I could feel the warmth from his body moving through me like a drug, making my head swim and my thoughts cloud. There was no way I could refuse this, not when he’d sought me out, when he was right here in front of me, touching me. Right and wrong had ceased to matter. At that moment, they seemed like strange, abstract concepts that had no bearing on what I was feeling. I wanted him… _this_ … this one night together, so badly that nothing could have stopped me now. I closed my eyes tight, my forehead still pressed to his and I nodded. He didn’t need to hear any words from me. When he felt me make that tiny motion against him he let his breath out in a long, shaky exhale.

 

With a stifled groan, he turned his face and crushed his mouth on mine. And it was that same startling flash of heat and electricity that I felt when he kissed me downstairs at the reception. I moaned in response, reaching up to grip the back of his neck, wanting him closer, tighter against me. He slid his arm around my waist, pulling me into the hall, to his door that was right next to mine. He let go of my hair to blindly fish his key card out of his pocket, and he clumsily slid it through the lock to open the door. He never released me; his mouth never left mine.

 

Then we were stumbling backwards into his dark room, a tangle of lips and tongues and grasping hands. There was one small wall sconce lit right by the door, but the rest of the lights were off. The room was only faintly illuminated with its dull yellow glow. I pushed his jacket off his shoulders and down his arms. He tossed it free before his hands came back to my body, skimming up from my waist, across my bare back, setting my skin on fire, shoving roughly into my hair, bending my head to meet his. We stood pressed together from knees to chest, Edward holding my head firmly as his mouth moved with mine. My hands fisted into the fabric of his shirt, holding myself steady, holding on. His tongue danced across mine, then disappeared, replaced with his teeth, scraping my bottom lip, nipping and tugging, then releasing before his tongue invaded my mouth again. My lip tingled where his teeth had been, his fingertips massaged my scalp, his ragged little breaths ghosted across my cheek. __

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, almost to himself, as his lips finally left mine and skimmed down my neck. “I’ve wanted you since the minute I laid eyes on you.”

 

I closed my eyes, letting Edward’s voice and his words wash over me and obliterate all knowledge of myself. Tonight I didn’t want to be me; I didn’t want to live my life. I just wanted to exist suspended in this moment with him, under his hands and under his body.

 

Edward grasped my hips fiercely, pushing me backwards until I hit the wall with a thud. I clutched on to his shoulders to steady myself and when his mouth moved down over my chest, I slid my palms up his neck to dig my fingers into his hair, holding him tight against me. My head tipped back and I was dragging in deep, uneven breaths as his tongue traced along the top edge of my dress, the sensitive skin just above the fullness of my breasts.

 

His hands came up to my shoulders, his fingers tangling in the little straps like he was going to lower them down off my shoulders. Instead, I felt a tug and heard a soft sound of tearing fabric as he tore them free of the dress. I gasped as the top of my dress fell to my waist in a useless puddle of silk.

 

“It’s a bridesmaid’s dress. You weren’t going to wear it again, were you?” his voice, low and rough, vibrated across my skin. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. His eyes were dark, almost black in the dimly lit room, and his expression was feral and intense as he looked up at me from under his heavy brows. The sight of him, his lips still brushing my breasts just above my bra as his hands gripped my hips and held them to his, was enough to make me grow wet. I moaned and closed my eyes, and he dipped his head again to continue his exploration of the skin he’d just bared.

 

His hands skimmed up over my ribcage, cupping me through my bra, his thumbs scraping the lace and my skin above it. I sighed as my nipples reacted to the pressure and the friction. His fingers were gone as he reached around behind me and released the clasp. Then he was back, his warm hands on my bare skin, kneading, brushing, tugging.

 

“Oh, God…” the words tumbled from my lips as I arched away from the wall, willing him to touch me harder. He did, making a low sound in the back of his throat that vibrated all through my body as he kissed his way up my throat to my mouth. This time I met his mouth first, pushing my tongue in hard against his. He slipped his leg forward between my knees until his thigh was pressing against my center. It drove me mad, his soft amazing mouth and tongue assaulting mine, his thigh pressing against me, his hands on my breasts…my body was on fire and I thought he might be able to make me come just like this.

 

His hand slid down over my hip, pulling on my thigh, raising my leg, hooking it over his hip. Jesus, _yes_ …With the shift in position, I could feel how hard he was, and it was pressed directly against me, right where I was desperate for it. He reached underneath me, cupping my bottom, raising me up, helping me ride against him.

 

Without warning, he hiked my other leg up. I gasped at my loss of balance, gripping his shoulders with both hands. But within seconds I felt secure, held up by his hands and the wall at my back. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he settled in against me. I could feel the whole hard length of him pressed against my panties as my ruined dress rode up to my hips. He rocked his hips into mine and I groaned through my teeth against his lips. I felt one of my shoes slip off my foot, and I kicked the other one away before hooking my calves more securely around him.

 

I didn’t want to think about my real life right now, and for the most part, I didn’t. But I couldn’t help but realize that no sexual experience I’d had in my life before compared to what was happening with Edward right now, and we still had most of our clothes on. It hadn’t been like this with the few men I’d dated in college, and certainly never with… _Don’t even think his name._ Not here, not now, with Edward touching me, pinning me to the wall, and making me feel…

 

Edward shifted his mouth, kissing my jaw, my earlobe, the skin of my neck and shoulder. I dropped my forehead to his shoulder and just concentrated on the sensation of his hips grinding mine into the wall, his hardness rubbing back and forth against me, even through layers of fabric, driving me to an intense state of arousal. His hands were both underneath me, holding me up, holding me against him. Carefully, he shifted one, sliding along my bottom until his fingertips reached the edge of my panties right at the little hollow at the inside of my thigh. I knew he was going to touch me and he’d feel how wet he’d made me; my panties were soaked through. I had a moment of self-consciousness, embarrassed that he’d been able to turn me on like this with our clothes still on. Then his fingers scraped across my panties and he hissed in my ear.

 

“You’re so wet. Oh, God…”

 

And the sound of him, nearly undone by my reaction to him, brushed away any of those worries. I only wanted more of him and his perfect fingers. He gave me what I wanted, slipping his fingers under the edge, dipping slightly into the wetness of me. I gasped in his ear, clinging to his shoulders, as he slid his fingers up and down me.

 

“Edward…”

 

He shifted his hand slightly underneath me and two fingertips brushed the most sensitive spot and I cried out.

 

“Do you want me to…” he whispered, his lips just under my ear.

 

All I could do was grind my forehead into his shoulder while I ground myself against his hand as I rasped out, “Yes.”

 

“Oh, baby…God, you feel amazing.”

 

His fingers brushed me again and I tightened my arms around his shoulders. He began to rub gently back and forth over me exactly where I needed it, slowly picking up speed, pressing harder. I bucked against him and then I came apart in a blinding flash of sensation, gasping, moaning his name, as his hips thrust into me and he pressed me into the wall. He continued to stroke me as I rode out my orgasm.

 

“I want to be inside of you,” he whispered.

 

“Yes…” I finally managed to mutter, “Please.”

 

Edward tightened his grip on my backside, slowly straightening away from the wall. I clung to his shoulders, turning my face to kiss his neck, my useless legs still wrapped around him. He turned and took a few steps across the room until he was at the edge of the bed before gently lowering me. He straightened up and I missed the warmth of him against me, but he only stood between my slightly bent knees at the edge of the bed. His eyes never left mine as his hands went to the buttons of his shirt.

 

I’d stopped questioning the right- or wrong-ness of what I was doing here. I’d just given myself over to it fully. But still, there was a little voice in my head reminding me that I would only have this with him once. Only one chance to touch him and feel him and experience this with him, and I wanted all of it. I pushed myself up then, standing on my unsteady legs, wanting to undress him, peel his clothes away and bare his skin, the same way he’d bared mine.

 

He smiled and dropped his hands to my hips as my shaky fingers went to work on his shirt buttons. I dipped my head to kiss and lick each new inch of skin exposed as his shirt fell open, savoring all of him, every touch and taste I could get. He sighed, his hand coming up to tangle in my hair, holding me against his chest. I skimmed down his chest, over his ribs, to the soft skin of his abdomen with its sparse sprinkling of hair. As I flicked my tongue out to taste him, the muscles of his stomach shuddered and he groaned.

 

I sat back down on the bed, my knees between his slightly parted feet, and began to undo the button on his pants. I glanced up at him to see his face and he was looking down at me, his expression clouded and dark, and I couldn’t look away for a long moment. His eyes looked black, his high cheekbones and squared off jaw all just planes of light and shadow in the dim room. His tux shirt was all the way open but still hanging from his shoulders, and I took a second to appreciate the sight of his glorious, lightly-muscled torso. It was insane that he could be so beautiful under his clothes, too. He raised a hand and scraped his thumb across my cheekbone, before cupping my cheek in his palm.

 

Easing down the zipper of his tux pants, I let them slide off his hips. The hard length of his cock was pressing against the front of his boxers, only barely restrained by the fabric. I leaned forward slightly and pressed a kiss to his tip through the cotton. A guttural groan, an animal sound, ripped out of his chest and his head fell back. The sound went straight to my center and I was wet for him all over again.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Bella!” he ground out. His hand dug into my hair, fisting tightly.

 

It made me feel bold, so I slid his boxers down over his hips and to the floor. He was exposed before me and before I could think too much about what I was doing, I leaned forward and slid him into my mouth.

 

He hissed again and muttered a string of unintelligible obscenities. His hips rocked gently into me a few times as I slid him out and back in. Then he suddenly shifted and tugged on my hair, pulling me away. I looked up at him questioningly. I didn’t think I was all that great at it, but he had certainly seemed to be enjoying himself.

 

He shook his head roughly. “Not like that. I don’t want it like that with you the first time.”

 

I could barely register his words, the implication in them… _the first time_ ….before he was surging forward, pushing me back, pinning me to the bed as his body came down across mine.

 

“If I only have tonight with you, Bella, I have very different plans and we’re just getting started,” he rasped out in my ear before his mouth came down over mine again.

 

*0*0*

 

**_Edward_ **

I pushed my tongue into her mouth, her warm, soft mouth, and I knew I was being a little rough. But she needed to understand, I needed her to feel this. I needed to feel and touch and possess every inch of her. For tonight she belonged to me and only me, and I was going to have it all.

 

Bella sank into the mattress under me, moaning as my tongue invaded her mouth, her hands coming up to tangle into my hair. With one hand, I scraped her dress the rest of the way down over her hips. She wiggled slightly to free it and I whipped it off over her feet and tossed it across the room. She was nearly bare to me now, almost all of her naked and exposed. My mouth watered, my hands itched to touch her everywhere.

 

She was so pale and smooth, like porcelain. Her lovely skin was one of the first things I’d noticed about her, and now it was all laid out below me against the snowy sheets. And her body…she was slight, but just a little curvy in all the right places. Her hips flared gently and her waist dipped in small, her breasts filled my hands perfectly, with small pink tips, her legs were long and just right. She was ideal and at least for tonight, she was all mine.

 

I sat up briefly to shrug the rest of the way out of my shirt before bringing my hands back to her hips.

 

“These need to come off,” I muttered, running my fingers over her panties, hip to hip. Black lace. Goddamn. She closed her eyes and her head tipped back as I hooked my fingers in the sides and dragged them down her legs. I leaned forward and let my lips skim down her right leg from her hip to her ankle, following the trail of her panties, until they were gone. Then, my hands and knees caging in her body, I crawled slowly back up over her, kissing and licking as I went. I paused at her hips, leaning down to sink my teeth into one lightly, right over her hip bone. She gasped and her hips arched off the bed. My dick, which had known untold bliss in her mouth just a few minutes ago, hardened even further. And her scent…I was so close to her now, I could smell her arousal. She would be wet again, and the thought of that was nearly enough to finish me off on the spot.

 

I trailed my mouth across her stomach, dipping my tongue into her belly button. Her hand came up to the back of my head, her fingers twisting in my hair. I exhaled across her stomach and she let out a low, shaky moan. I didn’t want to think about her life outside this room, I certainly didn’t want to think about her with _him_ , but I couldn’t help but notice that for a woman who theoretically had plenty of experience in the bedroom, she reacted to me like every moment of this was new to her, like no one had made her feel this way before. Maybe he hadn’t. I liked that idea. Maybe I couldn’t keep her, but no one had ever made her feel the way I would tonight. At least I had that.

 

Just thinking about it made me growl in frustration. I had worked my way across to her other hip and I had to fight back the urge to bite down again… _hard_. I wanted to leave a mark on her, show him that she…what? Belonged to me? I had her on borrowed time, I knew that. Some base, elemental instinct urged me to let him know she’d been mine. But I couldn’t do that to her, so I just pressed my lips down on her silky skin and swirled my tongue across her, reveling in her taste, sweet and just a little salty.

 

I wanted to taste the rest of her, to open her underneath me. Lifting up on my knees, I settled my hands on her thighs and slowly moved them apart. She stared down at me, her dark eyes half-closed, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. I smiled softly at her as I slid my palm down the inside of her leg. Her breathing hitched and her mouth fell open. I pushed forward until I was hovering over her, so I could take that perfect pink mouth with mine again. She kissed me back hard, pushing herself up off the bed, pushing her tongue against mine. So good…she tasted so very good. I ran my tongue across her bottom lip where she’d bit it and pulled it into my mouth, sucking gently, as my fingers continued their path along her thigh to her center. I skimmed her lips and as my fingers parted them and moved in, I pushed my tongue back in her mouth. Bella moaned and collapsed back on the bed, pulling me down onto her. She was wet, so wet. I traced her opening with my middle finger, dipping in, then pulling back out.

 

“Uhhh…Edward…” her voice came out as one long sigh.

 

“Bella, you feel so good,” I whispered, moving down her neck, down between her breasts. My fingers still caressed her softly, not thrusting in, just feeling her soft, wet skin. Her hips rocked gently against my hand as I worked my way further down, kissing her stomach, her navel, the soft expanse of skin just above her sex. Her hands were in my hair, twisting, her hips arching underneath me. I shifted again and settled myself between her thighs. I leaned in and kissed her softly and she hissed. I parted her with my fingers and licked.

 

“Oh, fuck….” she whispered.

 

Oh, fuck is right. Her taste…

 

I dipped in again and lost all control. She tasted too good, she felt too warm. I pushed into her with my fingers while I stroked her with my tongue and set up a gentle rhythm. She must have been close already, because it wasn’t long at all until she arched up off the bed and clamped down around me, shouting out my name into the dark room.

 

Her thighs were still trembling with the aftershocks as I pushed my way up her body again. I was painfully hard, desperate to bury myself inside her. I needed her, more than I’d ever needed a woman before. I could feel it in my gut like a physical pain. I wanted to wrap myself in her and never come up for air.

 

I settled over her, dipping my head to kiss her ear, that delicious little soft spot right under it. I kissed along her jaw, listening to her ragged breathing as she came down from her orgasm. Finally I kissed her lips, softly, letting her deepen it. She did, reaching her hands up to my hair again, pulling my face into hers.

 

“Edward…” she breathed against my mouth.

 

“We’re not done yet,” I murmured between gentle kisses. “Do you feel me? How much I want you?”

 

I thrust my hips against hers, letting my raging hard on hit the inside of her thigh. Her eyes slid closed and she moaned.

 

“Oh, God, Edward…” she wrapped her calves around the backs of my thighs and my dick hit the wet center of her. “Please.”

 

My eyes literally rolled back in my head. She would be the end of me. “Hold on, baby,” I muttered, my voice like gravel. I pushed off of her, fishing around on the nightstand, thankful that I left the damned things in my travel bag all the time just as a precaution. This was why I had dragged her into my room instead of staying in hers, I knew these were in here. I freed a condom from its wrapper and rolled it on before settling myself over Bella again.

 

“Are you ready, sweetheart?”

 

Her eyes were closed, her head tilted back, the long pale line of her throat exposed. “Mmmmm.”

 

I ran my palm down the length of her thigh, hooking the back of her knee. She lifted her knees, I shifted my hips and as easy as breathing, I slid into her. Her back came up off the mattress as I settled into her and I wrapped my arms fully around her, holding her close.

 

“Jesus, Bella.”

 

Perfect. So perfect. So wet and hot and tight and…just _right_.

 

She just moaned, so I began moving into her, slow and gentle at first, until she began to meet each one, her hips colliding with mine. I was already about to explode when, out of nowhere, I had a flash from a dream I’d had that first night in Chicago. Bella riding me, arching back. I wanted to remember the real thing, so I rolled onto my back, bringing her over on top of me. She folded her legs up and braced her hands on my chest, her nails digging in slightly. Jesus, this was so much better than any dream. Her hair was a wild dark tumble around her shoulders, her pink lips a little swollen as her mouth dropped open. And I was so deep inside her…

 

The best thing about having her over me like this was that she opened her eyes and stared down into mine. I wanted to watch those eyes, that beautiful face as she came.

 

“Is this good?” she whispered, rocking her hips gently against me.

 

“Bella, I’m so close to coming right now you could recite the fucking alphabet and get me there.”

 

She chuckled softly and I gritted my teeth, as it took every ounce of control I had left not to explode as the vibration moved through her body and all around me. But I wouldn’t do it yet, because I was greedy and I wanted her to come again. I reached my thumb down between us and hit that spot, just above where we were joined.

 

“Oh...” she gasped.

 

“I want you to come again,” I whispered. “Can you?”

 

“Edward…”

 

I rubbed a little harder and her hips bucked and she moaned, long and low and feral.

 

I reached up my free hand and cupped her cheek, running my thumb over the arc of her cheekbone. So beautiful. I pressed harder with my other thumb.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered out loud.

 

“Oh, fuck, Edward…”

 

And then she came, whimpering and curling in on herself, her hips bucking against me, her fingers curling into my chest. Her nails dug into my skin and I welcomed it. I wanted to see the evidence of her all over my body.

 

Because I’d been holding it off for what felt like forever, all I had to do was think about myself buried inside of her as she came, tightening around me, and I did, too… _hard_. I gripped her hips firmly, holding her tight on me as I thrust up into her. A low, guttural growl ripped through my chest as the sensation raced through me, leaving me shaking and stunned.

 

Bella collapsed down onto my chest, breathing hard, planting little kisses on my chest in-between breaths. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, holding her tight, tucking her head under my chin. She felt so good like this, like there was nowhere else on earth that she belonged.

 

With a sigh, she shifted her hips and lifted herself off me. I leaned away and dealt with the condom as quickly as possible so I could lie back and pull her to my side again.

 

She lay against me, but she was slightly stiff now, not as boneless as just a moment ago. She sighed again and it felt like the beginning of goodbye, like she was going to give me the speech and get up out of this bed and leave. I wanted to scream.

 

“Stay,” I whispered into her hair.

 

“I should go…”

 

“Please. Forget your life for just tonight. Stay with me, Bella.”

 

She was silent for a moment.

 

“My flight is early tomorrow,” she finally said.

 

“I’ll get a wakeup call. What time?”

 

“Seven.”

 

I rolled away from her to the phone to make the call. When it was all set I settled on my back again. This time she came readily, throwing her leg over mine, her arm across my chest, her head on my shoulder. I turned my head so I could breathe in the scent of her hair as I fell asleep. But sleep wasn’t coming. My body might have been thoroughly satiated but my mind was a wreck. There was so much I was thinking and feeling; so much I wanted to say to her, and almost everything seemed completely off-limits. But there was no way she was leaving Chicago without hearing something… _anything_ from me.

 

“I want more than this with you,” I whispered into the dark.

 

I heard her draw in a breath and hold it. The silence bore down on me like a weight.

 

“But I’m…”

 

“I know,” I cut her off quickly. “I know you’re not free. But are you really happy?"

 

She paused for a long time before answering. "No, I'm not," she whispered. "But things are really complicated. And it's not easy.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And you live in…”

 

“I know that, too. I don’t have any answers, Bella. It’s a mess, I know that. But I want this. Can we…we’ll just talk, okay?”

 

She paused again, and I wished I could see her face to read her expressions. Instead I had to wait for her to puzzle out her answer and speak. It felt like years.

 

“We’ll talk. That’s all I can promise right now.”

 

My arm around her back tightened on instinct, pulling her in closer to my side. “That’s all I want. For now.”

 

I pressed my lips to the top of her head and she rubbed her cheek along my chest. I finally exhaled and the exhaustion caught up with me in a rush. Bella curled into my side, her hand fisted on my chest. I covered it with my hand and stroked her knuckles with my thumb until her fingers relaxed and her body went slack. It was only then that I finally let myself slip into sleep.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Bella_ **

 

 

It was dark, I had no sense of time. Late. The middle of the night, still. At some point, Edward had shut off even the wall sconce by the door so there was no light save the thin slit of street light seeping in through a tiny gap in the drapes.

 

We were all tangled, arms and legs. My head was pillowed on his hard, warm chest, slowly rising and falling. His hand was skimming over my back and ribs, setting fire to my skin everywhere he touched me. That was what woke me up, the feeling of my body coming alive under his hands of its own accord. But the dark kept me wrapped in my dream-like state, still not back in reality just yet.

 

I angled my head up, pushing my face into the hollow under his jaw, pressing my lips to his neck that was now slightly stubbly with the growth of his beard. I wouldn’t be here when he shaved again. The thought rocketed out of nowhere and made me gasp in longing and pain.

 

Edward moaned in the back of his throat and rolled, pinning me underneath him. The side of his face was pressed to mine, and I felt his lips kissing along my jaw and my cheek, seeking my mouth. When he found it, it was like he devoured me whole; all the ache and want sucked away. His hands closed around the backs of my thighs, pulling me open underneath him. He fell against me like he’d been made to fit exactly there.

 

As he settled in, his tongue raking mine, he rested his weight on his elbows on either side of me, still pinning me with his body, his chest pressed tight against mine, no air between us. He shifted and caged my face with his hands, holding my head as his body pressed down into mine, his fingertips pressing into my cheeks, my temples, my hairline.

 

I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted to. He held my face, so firm and still so gentle. His eyes were wide-open, flat black in the meager light leaking in to the room. It was so intimate, his face just inches from me, his eyes staring down into mine. Mostly it was just sensation; miles of his bare skin pressed against mine, our faces so close together that we shared the same breaths. And all the time, he was sliding against me, about to enter me again and I was opening for him.

 

He sighed and I inhaled instinctively, breathing in the air he let out and in that moment, he pushed into me. My body curled up underneath him. He sucked his breath back in and I heard myself moan. His eyes never left mine, his hands still held my face fast.

 

“Bella…” It was all he said, exhaled, long and slow as our bodies recombined themselves and created some new thing together. Slowly, we worked together and against each other; softness and friction. There was no urgency now; only a slow, burning intensity, as he stared into my face and pushed his body into mine. I felt myself start to wind up underneath him and he pressed his mouth against mine, swallowing up my gasping cries as they left my mouth. He held me tight and still underneath him as I came apart, whimpering against his lips. Then he did, too, his long, low moan released into my mouth. I kept my arms wrapped tight around his ribs as the whole length of him shuddered against me and finally stilled.

 

I pulled him down until I felt the satisfying warmth of his breath in the crook of my neck and the full weight of his body pinning me down to the bed. I floated, lost in the timeless dark. I was nobody and we were nowhere. This…this was where I belonged. Always under him, always his.

 

 

 

 

**  
**


	10. Daylight

**  
**

 

****

****

****

**_Bella_ **

It was the pounding I heard first, muffled and far away. I heard it- it woke me up, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with me, so I didn’t open my eyes and I tried to sink back into oblivion. I wanted sleep, because if I woke up, I would have to acknowledge that I was waking up next to Edward…naked Edward. And right now, I just wanted to go on enjoying sleeping next to naked Edward. The time would come soon enough when I would have to wake up and face it, along with the avalanche of confusing and terrifying emotions that would come with it, and I didn’t want to. So I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying my damnedest to find my way back into the oblivion of sleep for a little while longer.   
  
The pounding stopped for a moment, but then it resumed, louder, sharper, closer. Now it was on Edward’s door.

 

He groaned underneath me and I felt the vibration all through his chest. It brought back a flood of sense memories from last night; sounds, touches, feelings. I felt panic bubbling up in my throat, but I squashed it down. _Not yet._ The pounding continued. Edward exhaled heavily. I felt him shift out from underneath me, carefully settling me back on the bed before he slipped away. I swear, I felt his hand skim gently down my hair.

 

It must be somebody knocking at the wrong room, a drunk wedding guest maybe. Everyone drank so much last night…or was it still tonight? Maybe they were lost or confused. I heard Edward fumbling around in the semi-dark room, pulling on his pants, I guessed. There was no way I could hope to retreat back into sleep now. Once he got rid of this wayward drunk and came back to the bed, I’d have to talk to him, face him and what came next.

 

I shifted a little, curling onto my side. I was sore between my legs. Damn. _Don’t think about it yet._

 

I heard Edward mutter as the pounding continued, a string of half-intelligible obscenities. He opened the door and there was silence. Then I heard a voice that stopped my heart cold. Colonel Brandon.

 

“Edward…”

 

“Sir?” Edward’s voice was raspy, but polite. “What can I do for you?”

 

“I’m sorry if this is…it’s just that I noticed last night… so I wondered if maybe…” Colonel Brandon trailed off for a moment, “I’m looking for Bella. She’s not in her room and I’m supposed to drive her to the airport. Is she…Ah, geez, I’m sorry, Edward, this is terribly embarrassing for you.”

 

“She’s here,” Edward’s voice was flat, emotionless. I flinched, willing myself to disappear into the covers. There was a long, pregnant silence.

 

“The hotel computer went down last night, the wakeup calls didn’t go out this morning….”

 

My eyes flew open and I saw the readout on the bedside alarm clock. 8:45.

 

“Fuck!” I suddenly found my voice in the worst way imaginable as I bolted upright in bed. I was about to fling myself out from underneath the covers before I remembered that I was completely naked. Edward had turned back to me and I could see Colonel Brandon’s shocked face over his shoulder. Jesus Christ, just kill me now. I’d never survive this. My breathing got shallow and rapid _. Must not hyperventilate._ Think about this later… this horrible, mortifying, miserable moment. Right now, just concentrate on getting the hell out of here.

 

“I’ll just give her a minute. Tell Bella I’ll be in the lobby,” I heard Colonel Brandon muttering, and the door clicked shut.

 

As I scrambled out of bed, I wrenched the sheet free and wrapped it around myself.

 

“Ohfuckohfuckohfuck…”

 

I stumbled around the room, trying to locate my clothes, _any_ of my clothes. I found my dress in a pile by the desk, but as I retrieved it I remembered the broken straps. Pointless to try to get that back on. I was going to have to beat a retreat in this sheet. Thank God my room was next door. Well, if I was going to do this wrapped in a sheet, then my bra and underwear weren’t going to do much good. I opted to just leave them on the floor. I’d never be able to wear them again after last night anyway. Ditto the shoes; I’d kicked them across the room. It would take me longer to find them than they were worth. I did find my key card on the floor where I’d dropped it, and I snatched it up.

 

“I have to go. Oh fuck.” I was sprinting for the door, desperate to get this over with, get some clothes back on, get the hell out of this hotel. Don’t think, don’t think, _don’t think._

 

“Bella…” Edward stood unmoving in the middle of the room the whole time I’d frantically raced around him, and now he took a step in my direction.

 

“I have to go.”

 

I moved to brush past him, towards the door, but his arm shot out, hooking around my waist, spinning me to face him. His other hand came up to the back of my head, and he brought his mouth down hard on mine. An involuntary moan escaped my throat, and for a second I just wanted to drop the sheet and wrap my arms around him and never let go. Before I had to make that choice, though, he released me, pressing one last kiss against my forehead.

 

“Go,” he murmured. “Be safe.”

 

I didn’t let myself meet his eyes. I couldn’t. Because my heart would absolutely break and I couldn’t, not here, not now…I just needed to go. I could think about all of this later.

 

I said nothing, I just twisted out of his grip and raced for the door. I didn’t look back. There was no way I could look at his face as I left.

 

Our doors were right next to each other, so although I had to make an appearance in the hall wrapped in a sheet, it was only for a second. Then I was back in my room, with the door locked behind me.

 

I dropped the sheet and bolted for my suitcase, pulling on my jeans, sweater and boots from yesterday, fumbling and cursing the whole time. I made a whirlwind pass through the room, scooping up anything left out, shoving it in untidy piles into the suitcase. In the bathroom I essentially scraped my arm across the counter, swiping all my toiletries into my bag. In a matter of minutes I’d cleared the room and was dragging my suitcase to the elevator.   
  


Once inside, I closed my eyes and tried to just concentrate on breathing. _Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think._ Don’t think about Edward back in that room, don’t think about Colonel Brandon waiting in the lobby, and no matter what, don’t think about Jay. Just don’t think. I made the mistake of opening my eyes, and I saw myself reflected back in the polished brass panels of the elevator. My hair was a ratted mess around my shoulders, the remnants of my eye makeup was smudged under my eyes, my sweater was crooked, half of my shoulder exposed. I looked like some slut making her walk of shame, which was exactly what I was, I supposed. Hastily scraping my hair back, I fastened it with a hair tie I fished out of my bag. It helped marginally. I was just swiping my fingers under my eyes to clean up the makeup as the elevator opened into the lobby.

 

Colonel Brandon stood near one of the columns, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. I couldn’t meet his eyes.

 

“Let’s get a move on, Bellarina,” he muttered. “If traffic isn’t too bad, you should still make your flight.”

 

I mumbled something incomprehensible, willing the ground to open up and swallow me whole. When it didn’t, I had no other choice but to let him take my suitcase from me and follow him out to the car that was waiting at the curb.

 

We were completely silent for the first fifteen minutes of the drive. I just curled into myself, miserable at the thought that I had permanently ruined my relationship with Alice’s father, the closest thing to a parent that I still had. I couldn’t even let myself think about last night, about what had happened. I had to just push that aside until I got out of Chicago. When I heard him tentatively clear his throat, I cringed inwardly.

 

“So last night….”

 

“I wasn’t myself,” I said quickly. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I had a little too much to drink and I just...” I was practically hyperventilating, I was breathing so hard.

 

Colonel Brandon held up a hand to stop me.

 

“You’re a grown woman, Bella. You don’t owe me any explanations.”

 

“But...”

 

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary this morning.”

 

I couldn’t respond, all I could do was stare at him, eyes wide.

 

“That means I won’t say anything to Alice or anyone else.”

 

Finally I choked out an answer. “Thank you.”

 

He nodded tightly.

 

We lapsed into silence for the rest of the ride. What was there to say, really? Small talk was impossible in the face of the elephant currently sitting between us. He finally pulled up at the curb at Departures and hopped out of the car to get my suitcase. I slid out of my seat after him. We stood awkwardly for just a moment on the curb before I impulsively threw my arms around his neck.

 

“Thank you,” I muttered into his neck.

 

“We love you, baby,” he whispered gruffly, folding me into his firm embrace. “You should…just… take care of yourself, okay?”

 

I couldn’t respond as my throat closed up with tears. I nodded my head weakly before backing away, dragging my suitcase with me. The Colonel just stood on the curb next to the car and watched me walk away.

 

After that, just making it through security and to my flight on time consumed all my attention and energy. It was close. I had to race through the concourse, my carry-on bag bumping brutally against my hip. I made it with just minutes to spare, collapsing into my seat in a heaving, sweaty heap. Closing my eyes, I just focused on the noises of the plane and the flight attendant’s announcements. Minutes later, the plane pushed back from the terminal and taxied out. I couldn’t think about it yet, I couldn’t think about him. It was too much, too soon. So I just listened to the sounds of the plane’s machinery and blocked out everything else.

 

Half an hour later we were at cruising altitude, bound for Seattle, and the “fasten seatbelt” light dinged off. I bolted up out of my seat, towards the bathroom. Once inside, I threw the latch and leaned forward onto the edge of the tiny sink. I glanced up at the mirror and there was my guilty, haggard face once again. Raising my hand, I pulled my hair tie free, intending to brush out the mess and put it back again in better shape. As my hair tumbled free, I was hit with the smell of Edward, his aftershave, his skin, still clinging to me. Without warning, a sob wrenched its way up out of my throat. My eyes filled with tears, and in moments I’d collapsed down onto the floor of the tiny bathroom, my body wracked with sobs, one arm wrapped tight around me, the other hand fisted against my mouth to stifle the sounds I was making.

 

What had I done? And what the hell was I supposed to do next? This morass of complicated emotions was exactly what I had been trying so hard to avoid. Now in addition to the mess I had to face with Jay, there was the mess with Edward to deal with, too.

 

 _Edward_.

 

Just his name in my head made my breathing stall in my chest. I closed my eyes, remembering his beautiful face as I backed away from him in his hotel room this morning. Remembering his face made me begin to remember everything else; his hands, his body, his body on mine, and my nerves came alive in spite of myself. Christ, here I was, huddled on the filthy floor of an airplane bathroom, still smelling of Edward and sex, sobbing my eyes out at my reckless, unfaithful behavior, and one thought about this man had me wildly aroused. I felt sick to my stomach at myself.

 

I had to pull it together. This plane would land in a couple of hours, and Jay would be waiting for me at the other end. He didn’t deserve this from me. I needed to extricate myself from our relationship, that much was absolutely clear, now more so than ever, but I couldn’t hurt him. He’d always been there for me; he deserved respect and fair treatment in this. He didn’t deserve my wretched betrayal. I’d slipped up, but the least I could do was keep that from him, and make sure he never found out about it. When we split, it would be because of our incompatibility, not because of my infidelity.

 

What I was going to do about Edward was infinitely more complicated, and I couldn’t come to any conclusions about that. He said he wanted more, but what did that even mean? He lived three thousand miles away from me, and I barely knew him. The connection I felt to him was undeniable, but I couldn’t fathom how anything could grow out of this impossible situation. And there was still the unresolved issue of the _other man_ I lived with. I groaned, determined to pull myself together, at least for the next little bit.

 

I stood up and splashed water on my face, wiping away the smeared makeup. Fishing my toothbrush out of my bag, I quickly brushed my teeth. I smoothed my slightly damp hands over my hair and brushed it out, slicking it back into a ponytail. When I finished, I looked almost normal. At least I could face Jay without worrying about the sex showing all over my face. Now if I could just purge it from my head as easily. Except that I didn’t really _want_ to purge it. As wrong as it was, I wanted to cling to every moment of last night for as long as I lived. More guilt.

 

My emotional breakdown coupled with my sleep-deprived night caught up to me once I was back in my seat, and I passed out cold, only waking up when the plane touched down. I was grateful for it. The less time I had to think about it, to dwell on it, the better. Because of the time difference, it was still early in Seattle, and it was Sunday, so the airport was quiet and uncrowded. I retrieved my suitcase and was in a cab speeding along the empty highway back towards my house and real life before I knew it. The sky overhead was grey, the air was wet and cold. Everything felt heavy, oppressive and suffocating. It matched my mood perfectly.

 

My phone vibrated in my bag next to me. I couldn’t imagine who would be trying to reach me at this hour. When I fished it out and looked at the screen, my stomach plunged to my feet.

_Did you make your flight?- Edward_

My heart rate skyrocketed seeing his name glowing on my phone. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Here it was. I had to start dealing with the mess I’d made. On the one hand, I wanted to hide, to forget that anything out of the ordinary had happened. Facing Jay in a few minutes would certainly be easier if I hadn’t just been in contact with Edward. On the other, I was desperate for Edward. I missed him already. I wanted to still feel connected to him in any way I could.

 

I stopped thinking about it, I just started typing.

 

_Made the flight, just barely.- Bella_

 

I had just closed my eyes and tipped my head back on the seat when my phone vibrated again.

 

_Are you home already?- E_

_Almost- B_

_I won’t bother you there. We’ll talk later. Take care- E_

Tears welled up and choked my throat as I stuffed my phone back in my bag. He was taking care not to contact me when I was home because I’d be with Jay. I felt nearly nauseous with guilt. The situation threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I needed to plow through it and start fixing things. I couldn’t sneak around like this. I was just a few hours into the lying and deceit, and already I couldn’t live with myself.

 

The cab pulled up in front of my house. I was out of time to think about this anymore, I needed to face it. On autopilot, I dragged my suitcase up the walk, fished my keys out, and let myself in. Once inside, I took a moment to steel myself, leaning against the door and breathing deeply. The familiar feel and smell of our house made me shake with anxiety, even though the silence permeating everything made me think Jay was still asleep. This place was oppressive. I felt like I could hardly breathe. I hadn’t really planned my exit strategy, but the second I stepped foot inside, I knew it had to be as soon as possible, maybe even today. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I’d go out of my mind, especially if I maintained any contact with Edward.

 

Looking around, I noticed that the house was a mess. There were empty beer bottles all over the living room, and a glance towards the kitchen to my left told me it wasn’t much better. Pizza boxes were stacked on the stove. A discarded t-shirt was draped across the back of the couch, and a pair of dirty socks lay on the floor in front of it. I snorted in disgust. I was gone for four days; he really couldn’t keep it together better than this for four days?

 

Instead of trying to tamp down my irritation like I usually would for the sake of avoiding an argument, I let it swell inside me. Maybe if I was mad at him, it would be easier to do what I needed to do. Maybe we’d get into a heated blow-up and I could just storm out; no tears, no recriminations, no chance of a shameful confession.

 

I headed back to the bedroom to wake him up and let him know I was home. The bedroom looked as bad as the rest of the house. Beer bottles littered the nightstand and the floor next to the bed. There were so many. Had he been drinking non-stop the entire time I was gone? The room was heavy with the sour smell of stale beer in an airless space.

 

Jay was sprawled across the bed on his stomach, arms spread wide, taking up the whole thing. He was shirtless, the sheet tangled around his hips and legs. Once again I was struck by his good-looks, the fine lines of the muscles of his back and arms, his dark blonde tousled hair, the shadow of stubble across his jawline; and I was struck by how little his looks affected me now. It was like I was looking at a stranger. I wanted to turn around and run away, but that was impossible. I had to face this and face him, head on.

 

I sat down gently on the edge of the bed and touched his shoulder. No response. I shook him a little. Still nothing.

  
“Jay, I’m home. Wake up.”

 

He groaned and rolled his face further into his pillow.

 

“Jay?”

 

Another groan and he rolled back to look at me out of one bloodshot eye.

 

“Bells?”

 

“Hey. I just got home. Are you okay?” I asked, because now that I got a good look at him, I could see that he wasn’t. He looked haggard and worn-out. Another stab of guilt. What if he’d been sick all weekend, and I’d been too much of a coward to even answer his calls? Too busy fucking someone else to even call him. _Stop_. I can’t think about that while I’m here with him. I’ll never make it if I do.

 

“Bella,” he groaned, rolling onto his side and reaching his arms around me. He shifted a little and dropped his head onto my lap. I reached up a tentative hand, hovering over his head for a minute before I made myself touch him, stroking his hair half-heartedly. “Oh, God, Bells. Everything is just shit. It’s all over.”

 

“What are you talking about? What happened?”

 

“I got laid off. On Friday.”

 

My heart stalled in my chest. I knew it was coming, but still, now that it had, I felt stunned.

 

 _And trapped_.

 

How could I break up with him now on the heels of this? I couldn’t. That was the answer. I was fucking trapped. I’d have to stick it out at least until he’d gotten through the worst of this. My throat closed up and I felt like I was choking, like I couldn’t breathe, but I forced myself to keep stroking his hair, his shoulder, so he wouldn’t sense my panic or see the horror on my face.

 

“Oh, Jay. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you call me?”

 

“I fucking tried. You didn’t call me back. Where were you, Bells?”

 

Guilt and self-loathing twisted in my stomach, making me feel physically sick.

 

“I’m sorry, Jay. I lost my charger,” the lie slid easily from my lips. This must be how it starts, with one little lie that leads to another and another. “I just found it this morning when I was packing to come home.”

 

He made some muffled, non-committal sound and I think he believed me.

 

“It’s not exactly a surprise though, is it? We’ve been sort of expecting this for a while, right?”

 

He reared back then to look at me, his eyes unnaturally bright and fierce. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“The cutbacks, the layoffs,” I said, confused. “They’ve been letting a lot of people go. It seemed like it was just a matter of time.”

 

Jay shook his head fiercely. “No. This was all Eleazar. That bastard has been out to get me from the start. He was always trying to fuck me over. And now he’s turned management against me, I fucking know it! Telling lies about me and….”

 

“Jay, come on. I’m sure you’re just….”

 

“I know it!” he snapped.

 

“Okay, okay. Just calm down, Jay,” I said, holding up my hands to placate him, not sure where all this anger at Eleazar was coming from. It was just a crappy situation that we’d seen coming for months. Well, I had, anyway.

 

Then he groaned and buried his face in my lap again, tightening his arms around my hips like a vise. “It doesn’t matter. It will be okay, won’t it Bells? We’ll be okay, right? Tell me it will be okay. It’ll still be you and me and we’ll be okay.” He was breathing in ragged gulps, barely holding back his emotion. I’d never seen him so undone, so vulnerable.

 

My face twisted and I was glad he couldn’t see me. I had to do this. I had to lie and help him through this at least for right now. I had to tell him whatever he needed to hear.

 

“S-sure it will. You’ll be fine. _We’ll_ be fine. Everything’s going to be okay, you’ll see.”

 

He drew in a long stuttering gasp, his eyes still squeezed shut.

 

I tried to shift away a little, to extricate myself from his grasp.

 

“Hey, Jay, I overslept this morning and I didn’t have time for a shower, so I’m just going to go…”

 

“No, please. Please, Bells, just stay here. Please.”

 

He gripped me tighter, tugging me down to lay next to him. I lowered myself slowly, letting him wrap himself around me and rest his head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders lightly, trying to make every move comforting and easy.

 

“Okay. It’s alright, Jay. I’m right here.”

 

“Don’t leave, Bells. Please, don’t leave me,” his voice was just a muffled rasp against my sweater.

 

I nearly choked on the tears that suddenly welled up in my eyes. They spilled out, making hot streaks across my temples and into my hair. I swallowed painfully against the constriction in my throat as panic and desperation flooded me. More than I’d ever wanted anything, I wanted to bolt out of the bed, out of this house, and never look back. And it was the one thing I absolutely could not do. Every minute I stayed here with him made me feel dirty and wretched, and yet I couldn’t get away. I couldn’t escape Jay, and I couldn’t escape myself.

 

Instead of settling down, he seemed overcome by his anxiety. His breathing sped up, becoming harsh and uneven, as tiny whimpers broke from his throat. I stroked his hair, willing him to calm down, wishing that he’d fall back asleep and let me go. He didn’t. He just clung to me in desperation.

 

“I’m right here, Jay,” I whispered against the top of his head as I rocked him, trying to calm him. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. A Long December

**_Edward_ **

 

 

“Edward?”

 

I don’t know how long I’d been standing there with the open chart in my hands, pen poised just above the paper, staring at it, but seeing nothing. Kate’s voice right next to me finally broke me out of my daze.

 

“Are you alright?” Her face was lined with worry, her blue eyes narrowed at me in concern. “You’ve been staring at that chart for ten minutes, and you haven’t written anything.”

 

I shook my head and smiled weakly at her. “I’m fine. It was just a long few days in Chicago. I guess I’m still recovering.”

 

She relaxed, and a smile spread across her face as she leaned on the nurse’s station next to me.

 

“So, did you have a good time?”

 

All I could do was blink at her for a minute. A good time? Was that how I would describe this weekend? Bella? Well, yes, but it was also so much more. Honestly, I couldn’t begin to describe the weekend, so I settled for lying.

 

“Yeah, it was fun. Nice to see old friends, all that.”

 

“Any past loves come back to haunt you?” she asked, eyes dancing, her voice teasing.

 

“Uh, no. Alice…that’s the bride…she kept us pretty busy. I didn’t even see my parents while I was there.”

 

“Oh, that’s too bad. I know how close you are to them. They sound like such lovely people. I’d love to meet them sometime.”

 

I shifted uncomfortably, because Kate’s tone had turned into something slightly wistful, a little hopeful. I’d heard it from her before, and I knew what it meant. She’d been dropping hints, subtly expressing her interest in me, for quite a while. I’d even been considering it. Of all the women in my acquaintance here in New York, Dr. Kate Pierce was probably the one I had been most seriously considering actually dating. She was a beautiful woman, with thick, sandy brown hair falling in waves down her back, a heart-shaped face with a faint dusting of freckles across her cheek bones, nice eyes, and a great body. But right now her attention, her pointed questions about my parents, just made me edgy. Because while a week ago, I’d been toying with the idea of asking her out, that was all before. Now, the idea of spending one-on-one time with her left me feeling cornered and a little depressed.

 

“Well, maybe the next time they come to the city,” I muttered, turning back to the chart and finally scribbling my notes there. Kate stood expectantly next to me for another moment, waiting for me to continue telling her about the wedding, but I couldn’t. I needed to get out of there. I snapped the chart closed and stuffed it back in the right slot. “Excuse me, Kate. I’ve got a patient waiting.”

 

“Oh, sure. So do I. Maybe I’ll see you at lunch?” There was the hopeful tone of voice again, the pleading eyes. I looked away and waved a hand absently.

 

“I have a lot of catching up to do today. I’m working through lunch.”

 

Her face fell, but I didn’t linger, I just turned on my heel and hurried away down the corridor to the doctor’s lounge. It was in the middle of a shift, so it was empty. I fell heavily onto one of the hard, lumpy couches and dropped my head into my hands, rubbing the heels of my palms into my eye sockets. It was true; I was tired. I hadn't gotten back from Chicago until late yesterday afternoon. But that had nothing to do with how I felt.

 

I was strung out, distracted, uneasy, and completely pre-occupied. Bella filled my thoughts. I wanted to reach out to her, talk to her. I’d wanted to do it yesterday morning before she left Chicago. I told her that I wanted more the night before, but I’d been hoping to actually talk it through in the morning before she left. I wanted to ask her about her relationship, how she was really feeling, what she thought might happen next.

 

But that was before that epic clusterfuck with Alice’s dad. In the end she’d just sprinted away from me, and I’d had no choice but to let her go. I’d texted her once I figured she was home, just because I was at the airport myself by then and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She answered, which made my heart stupidly soar, but since she was almost back to her place, and back to _him_ , I couldn’t really launch into anything deep.

 

I’d wrestled with myself all night last night, wanting to call her and have the conversation with her I’d hoped to have in Chicago. I still had nothing to say and nothing to offer; all I could do was tell her how I was feeling, that in the space of four days I’d completely fallen for her, that I didn’t want it to be over. But I didn’t call, because I knew the odds were she was home with _him_ , and I didn’t want to make problems for her. Thoughts of _him_ made me begin to question whether or not I should say anything to her at all. She was in a relationship; I knew that going into it. We lived three thousand miles apart. Maybe I should just back off, let her make the next move and tell me what _she_ wanted, and take it from there.

 

But I couldn’t do that. I wanted her. She hadn’t left my thoughts since she left my room yesterday, and I just couldn’t stay away. I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my scrubs and scrolled to her number. While I thought about calling, I rubbed my thumb over her name absently. I figured she was back at work today, like me. But on the off-chance that she wasn’t, I decided to text again. That way, she could ignore it until she was alone if she had to.

 

The subterfuge and plotting was already starting to make me feel sick to my stomach. How the fuck had I managed to get here, sneaking around behind some other guy’s back with his girl? Hadn’t I always sworn I’d never do this? But it was too late; I _did_ do it. And now I couldn’t undo it; I didn’t want to.

 

I spent another ten minutes trying to decide what to say before finally deciding to open up simple and go from there.

_Hey. How’s it going?- E_

It was pretty pathetic how I just sat there on the couch, clutching my phone and staring a hole through it, waiting for a response. When the phone finally vibrated in my hand, I nearly shouted out in surprise.

 

_Hey. I’m fine. How are you?- B_

I exhaled heavily, not even realizing I’d stopped breathing. Her response was completely neutral, no insight to be gleaned from her words, but she did respond, and fairly quickly, so I decided to take the plunge.

 

_Can you talk now? Can I call? We should talk about us.-E_

I waited ten minutes for her response. Ten minutes with my phone clutched in my hands, my fists pressed tight against my forehead. Ten minutes with my heart in my throat, half-fearing that I’d never hear from her again. Then my phone buzzed in my hand, and I nearly leaped out of my skin.

_There can’t be an us. Not right now. I can't. I’m sorry, it’s just really complicated. –B_

I stared at the glowing screen for a full minute, waiting for those words to sink in. She was telling me no. She was back home with him now and she chose him. _There can’t be an us…._

 

I raked a hand through my hair and fell back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I felt like I could hear my heart thudding loudly in my ears. Whatever existed between us, that intense connection I felt and that I was sure she felt, too…it wasn’t enough. I knew it was the chance I was taking. She had a long and complex history with him, and I was just some guy she met at a wedding. There had always been the possibility that she would go back home and put it all behind her. I knew the risk had been there and I’d chosen to overlook it.

 

My phone was still clutched in my hand because, even though she’d just shut me down in terms of anything further happening between us, I just didn’t want to let her go, and right now all I had left of her were a few texts. I lifted my phone again so I could see it, re-reading her words.

 

This was a mistake. She said no. I should just leave this alone and walk away now. I should get up and go ask out Kate, who was completely available and dying for me to do it. But I wanted Bella, in whatever tiny, meaningless way I could have her, even if it was only friendship. Even if all I’d get from her were some stupid, pointless texts. So I clicked and wrote back.

 

_Okay, no us right now. I understand. Can we still talk? Just friends?- E_

*0*0*

 

**_Bella_ **

I was still hunched over my desk, head in my hands, struggling to keep the tears at bay _again,_ when my phone vibrated next to me. I snatched it up and stared at it.

 

_Okay, no us right now. I understand. Can we still talk? Just friends?- E_

My hands were shaking, and there was no way I could stop the tears now. I’d just blown him off and he still wanted to be _friends_? Could I do that? _Should_ I do that?

 

I knew what the right course of action was here. I should erase his messages and never respond. My course was set, at least for the near future. Letting anything at all linger with Edward would only make it harder on me; it would only compound my guilt. Because even if his texts were entirely innocent, what they did to me was not. 

 

The second I saw his name pop up on my screen this morning, my heart nearly exploded in my chest. It was all I could do not to dial him back impulsively. I just wanted to hear his voice and feel connected to him again. But that would be wrong and a mistake, so I took a deep breath and responded, using the most neutral words I could muster.

 

Then when he said he wanted to talk about what happened and _us_ , I’d nearly lost it. I’d spent the last twenty-four hours trying to compartmentalize Saturday night; to close it off in my mind so I could function from minute to minute. With one tiny text he brought it all flooding back.

 

Once I’d finally disentangled myself from Jay, I’d taken a shower, turning the hot water up so high it was nearly scalding. I’d stayed in until it ran cold, as if the hot water alone could wash away my indiscretions. I’d managed to muddle through the rest of yesterday in a storm of manufactured business; unpacking, laundry, house cleaning. Jay eventually moved out of the bed, but only to the couch, where he spent the day drinking himself into oblivion. I should have been annoyed, but I was only grateful, throwing a blanket over him when he eventually passed out and retreating to our bed alone, where I sobbed noiselessly into a pillow until I finally fell asleep.

 

I’d gone into work early this morning, leaving Jay still sleeping on the couch. And now I sat in my cubicle, my monitor unchanged for over an hour as I hyperventilated with my phone in my hand. The war raged in my head. I shouldn’t answer. I wanted to answer. If I kept it simple, if we didn’t talk about anything real, then how could it be wrong? We’d just be friends and friends was okay. I knew I was just lying to myself, but a small moment of justification was all it took to weaken my resolve, and I was typing back.

_Okay, friends.-B_

_Good. Friends. So,*friend*, are you back at work today?-E_

In spite of the fact that I was still crying, his text made me smile and I let out a choked little chuckle. How had he managed to turn it all around so fast? I couldn’t explain how he’d so seamlessly been able to switch gears, but I also wasn’t about to argue. He was the only good thing I had to hang on to right now, even if I couldn’t have him the way I wanted him. He said he was okay being my friend; then I was going to take him at his word, accept his friendship and hold on for dear life. I started typing back.

 

_Yes, back at work. Hate it. How about you?-B  
  
_

_Well, I don’t hate it, but I’d rather not be here now.-E_

_I know what you mean. This place is more hateful than usual today.-B_

_What are your co-workers like?-E_

 

_Embittered failed writers. Miserable human beings, for the most part. Oh, wait...I guess that includes me.-B_

_Stop it. I bet you’re brilliant. Angela said you were.-E_

_I was okay once. Now I translate the engineer’s babble into words us regular humans can read.-B_

_Well, it serves a purpose. Everybody reads manuals. Wait. Forget that. Nobody ever reads the manual. Sorry. :( -E_

I chuckled out loud at his attempt to spin something positive out of my mind-numbing job.

_I guess we can’t all save lives, Dr. Cullen.-B_

_I practice General Medicine. I don’t save too many lives. Most of the time I diagnose sinusitis and write scrips for antibiotics.-E_

_So I guess there’s drudgery in every line of work.-B_

_There is today.-E_

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting my phone rest against my forehead. I wanted to stay suspended in this little bubble with him all day. But if I was going to do this, maintain this _friendship_ with him, I needed to keep it brief and light. So I lied.

 

_Gotta go. Meeting starting. -B_

_Of course. Later, then.-E_

Later. Would he really text again? Was he really okay with just being my friend? I had no way to know. I hoped he would. I had no answers to any of this; Jay, Seattle, New York-- but I wanted him to keep talking to me. And if he did text again, I knew that there was no way I would ignore him or tell him to leave me alone, even though that was exactly what I should do.

 

*0*0*

 

I unlocked the front door and stepped inside as quietly as I could, since I had no idea these days what I would be facing when I got there. The living room was pitch-dark and quiet, but light spilled down the hall from the office, so I figured Jay was back there.

 

I set my bag down on the table inside and flipped the lights on. New Year’s Eve. You’d never know it looking at our house. There wasn’t a trace of festivity here; not even left over from Christmas. I hadn’t even gotten a tree this year; there hadn’t been any point. Jay wouldn’t have noticed, and I didn’t care. I wondered absently if maybe I should have, if for no other reason than to brighten the place up a little.

 

Who was I kidding? No tree would fix what was wrong in this house. I’d never been particularly fond of the house, and now I absolutely loathed it. It had never felt particularly homey to me, and now it felt like a veritable prison, one where the walls were closing in tighter every day. If I ever got clear of this place…no, _when_ I got clear of this place…when I had sole say over my living arrangements again, it would look nothing like this. Everything in my future felt so uncertain, but there were two things I was absolutely sure of: one day I would get out of here, and when I did, I would leave every shred of this place behind me.

 

Jay burst into the room from the hallway in a flurry of motion. He brushed past me, unseeing, heading straight to the windows that fronted the street. He cast one quick, furtive glance up and down the dark street outside before yanking the drapes closed and plunging the room into total darkness. I sighed and switched on one of the lamps by the couch. Jay swiveled his head sharply towards me, the first time he seemed to notice I was even in the room.

 

“Hey, Jay,” I said cautiously, trying to gauge his mood.

 

He grunted slightly to acknowledge me. He was dressed in just his dark cargo pants, shirtless and barefoot. His hair was a mess, and he hadn’t shaved in days. His eyes were too bright and intense, that frantic look I was growing accustomed to. It seemed like he’d slipped into an altered state in the two weeks since the layoff. He was angry all the time, so much so that half the time his ranting didn’t even make sense to me. I was just trying to let him work through it, to get it all out of his system. In the meantime, I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible, which suited me fine anyway. I was just waiting for him to get his bearings back, for him to recover from the blow a little, and then I was out of here.

 

“What are you looking for?” I asked lightly, indicating the window.

 

“Suspicious looking car that’s been parked out there all day,” he growled.

 

“It’s probably just somebody visiting a neighbor. It’s New Year’s Eve, you know.”

 

“It’s fucking Eleazar.”

 

“What?” I asked in confusion, crossing the room so I could look out the window and see for myself. I parted the drapes and peeked, spotting nothing more than an empty white car across the street. I think it belonged to our neighbor, Heidi’s, sister. I’d seen it at her house before.

 

“Eleazar!” Jay hissed at my side. “He’s been watching me for days! I think he’s been in the house, too. I’ve checked for mics but I haven’t found them yet.”

 

I turned to look at Jay in stunned disbelief. He wasn’t looking at me; he was parting the curtains again to look at the white car. His eyes were jumping around constantly, almost like he couldn’t look straight at something even if he wanted to. What the hell was wrong with him?

 

“Jay, look at me,” I said, laying a hand on his bicep. He flinched away from me. I reached up and took his face in my hands, forcing him to face me. Finally, for just a moment, his eyes met mine. His face, full of anger and agitation, was almost unfamiliar to me. “No one has been in the house, Jay,” I said slowly. He jerked his head back, pulling his face free of my hands, and turned back to the window.

 

He scoffed loudly, “Of _course_ he has! How do you think he knows what I’ve been doing? I told you he was out to get me, Bells. But I’m one step ahead of him. I’m keeping my eye on him. Don’t worry, he won’t get past me.” He half-turned, pointing to a pile of newspapers on the dining table. I hadn’t noticed them in the dim room when I first came in, but now that I looked, I could see that they were stacks of copies of the _Inquirer_. Some were cut up, clippings littering the tabletop and scattered across the floor. And there was writing all over them; dark black marker underlining passages, circling words. There were notes scribbled all over the place.

 

“What’s this, Jay? What are you doing with all these papers?”

 

He waved a dismissive hand at me as he went back to peering at the street through the drapes. “I just _told_ you. I’m keeping an eye on that bastard. He thinks he’s so clever, but it’s all in there if you know where to look.”

 

“What is? What are you talking about?”

 

“The _messages_ ,” he snapped, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “It’s how he stays in contact with his bosses. He sends them messages in the paper. It’s all in code, of course, but I see it. I’ve figured it out! That bastard thinks he’s got me just where he wants me, but I’m one step ahead…always one step ahead…just have to stay one step ahead…”

 

I took an involuntary step back away from him, cold dread racing down my spine. My stomach lurched. Something was desperately wrong with him. Not just the depression, not just the understandable anger about losing his job. This was so much worse.

 

I kept backing up until I hit the couch and slowly sank down, wrapping my arms around myself because I felt like I was about to blow apart into a million pieces. Jay stayed at the window, mumbling incoherently to himself. How could I have missed this? Little things he had said and done for the past couple of weeks, things that I chalked up to his stress and depression, started coming back to me. The paranoia, this crazy fixation on Eleazar…Jay was sick, very sick, and I hadn’t even realized it until this very moment. I felt stupid and blind, so wrapped up in my own head that I hadn't noticed him falling apart right in front of me.

 

He was still mumbling to himself, and then he started beating his clenched fist against his thigh in agitation, hard enough that he must have been hurting himself, but he didn’t seem to feel it. He kept his angry, frantic eyes on the street, watching for imaginary villains that only he could see. I slammed my hand over my mouth to stifle the sound of my crying as I gasped for air. As bad as it had been before, and it had been pretty bad, this was beyond terrifying. I had no idea what to do, how to help him, and I had no idea where to turn.

 

*0*0*

 

“Hey, Bella? Susan and I are heading over to check out that new Chinese place for lunch. Do you want to come?”

 

I looked up from my monitor at the front office secretary, Monique. She was leaning over the partition, smiling slightly. She was the only person in this place I actually liked, even though we had nothing in common to speak of.

 

“Um, thanks, but I brought my lunch today. I think I’ll stay here and do a little online shopping during lunch,” I said as casually as possible.

 

“Oooh, fun! I bet there are all kinds of good after-Christmas sales. Well, enjoy yourself!”

 

“Thanks. Have a good lunch.”

 

I waited quietly until I heard the voices of Monique and Susan fade down the hall. When I was sure everyone had gone, I turned back to the monitor and reached for the keys. My fingers hovered there for an age. Typing it would make it real. But it _was_ real. I couldn’t ignore it or make excuses for it anymore. This was happening, and I needed to face it and do something about it. Finally, taking a deep breath, I started typing.

 

_Mental illness symptoms_

An hour later, I was still glued to my computer, the notepad at my side filled with my scrawled notes, my face wet with tears.

 

There were a couple of things on the pad underlined, the most likely culprits. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. I was leaning towards the latter, because of the mood swings. I thought making notes, treating it as a problem that needed to be solved with clear steps to be taken, would make me feel better, more in control. But it didn’t. Instead, I felt more overwhelmed than ever.

 

It was daunting and depressing. And every place I looked, I saw terms like _no real cure_ and _does not respond well to traditional therapies_.

 

I dropped my head into my hands and gave in for just a moment to the overwhelming fear and sadness. Jay was sick, and he would likely be sick in some way for the rest of his life. Now that I had read and researched just this little bit, I realized that there had been small signs all along, for years, really, when I thought about it in this new light. I just didn’t know what I had been seeing. He’d always been prone to depressive funks, long, dark periods that would eventually pass. But he was also capable of being so excited and enthusiastic about things. He could throw himself into a project obsessively and work his fingers to the bone when he chose to. That trait had gotten him where he was today. Mania, I now knew to call it; the flip side to his dark periods. And he didn’t choose to exert it; it was completely beyond his control.

  
The rest, the paranoia and the delusions, seemed to be some form of schizophrenia, probably triggered by the stress of his job loss. Whatever the cause, the end result was the same. A lifetime of treatment. The best he could hope for would be to control the symptoms so he could achieve a level of functionality. He would never be rid of it.

 

And that’s where the news got even worse.

 

Website after website stressed the importance of a strong support network. Even if he got his illness managed and under control now, without strong family support, the rate of relapse within one year was 60%. And without that network to take care of him, his future was bleak.

 

_“Untreated schizoaffective disorder will often leave a patient friendless, penniless, and homeless.”_

 

He needed someone to help him get better, it was clear. That was the part that left me desolate. Because just like me, Jay had no family. It was one of the many things that bound us together when my dad died. Jay’s family was a mess. His dad took off when he was young, and his mother was an alcoholic. He had an older sister, but she’d run away from home when she was a teenager and he’d never heard from her again. The state had finally stepped in and taken custody of him when he was sixteen. He’d been lucky enough to land in a decent foster home with a woman who helped him finish high school and apply to college. But he’d been completely on his own since he aged out of the system at eighteen. I’d always admired that about him, that he’d managed to achieve so much by himself. Although knowing what I did now, I wondered if all the turmoil in his childhood had planted the seeds for what was happening to him now. Maybe he’d been sick in some way or another all this time, and he’d just been very good at coping and covering it up.

 

It all meant that he had no one, no parents or siblings I could call for help; no one to step in and care for him in my place. He only had me. And it absolutely could _not_ be me. I knew he needed help and support, someone to make sure he was taken care of, but that person couldn’t be me. I just needed to figure it out, come up with a plan. There had to be someone…someone to step in so that I could step out.

 

The crushing pressure made me want to scream, or cry, or both. That same desperate need to escape was clawing in my chest again, and now I knew I really couldn’t. At least not until I’d figured out a way out of this. I had to get him into a hospital or something. And after that…surely there were halfway houses, outpatient monitoring, _something_. I couldn’t be expected to just give him my life. I’d given enough already. I couldn’t do this, too.

 

My instinct was to reach for the phone and call Alice. I hadn’t called yet to tell her about Jay losing his job because she’d been on her honeymoon. She’d just be getting back now. I imagined what she’d say to all this misery currently on my computer screen. Nothing good. She hated Jay, and she’d never made any secret of that. She’d demand I leave immediately. And while I agreed that I needed to find the quickest path out of this mess, I couldn’t just walk away. I had to at least get him some help first. No, calling Alice would just be unpleasant. After I’d sorted out what to do, I’d call her. I needed a plan first.

 

Step one: get him to see a doctor. Last night, when he flipped out about the house being bugged, I’d sat him down and asked him to talk to someone. He ranted and screamed for hours, accusing me of being in on it. So that was a failure. I had no idea how I was supposed to convince him. My eyes fell again to my notes, the page full of websites and names of agencies and hospitals. Once again, I felt myself getting sucked under. It was all just too much to face…

 

My cell vibrated at my elbow, making me practically jump out of my skin. Jay was so busy on his computer chasing down his imaginary demons that he almost never called me, so I doubted it was him. I flipped it over to see the face.

 

_E_

 

I’d have never guessed that one glimpse of a single letter could make me feel what that ‘E’ did. Elated, guilty, anticipatory, lonely, flushed, content… I’d shortened his name from 'Edward’ to ‘E’, just to be on the safe side, when he first started texting. In case anyone…Jay…ever saw it, although the subterfuge made me feel wretched.

 

He’d texted me nearly every day since I’d gotten home, never about anything meaningful. He’d ask me how my day was, what I was having for lunch… silly, innocuous questions that made me smile even as they left me aching and sad. I missed him. How was it possible to miss someone I’d only known for four days? But those were not just any four days. And what happened between me and Edward was certainly anything but ordinary.

 

_Hey, how’s the first Monday of the New Year?-E_

 

I smiled a little in spite of myself. So chipper and cheerful. After that first and only attempt to discuss what had happened between us, I told him I couldn’t talk about it and he had never alluded to it again.  We were friends. He still texted, and it still made me deliriously happy to see his name pop up on my phone, so I always texted back and I chose not to question too closely why we were still talking or what was really going on with us. There weren’t any answers to those questions right now, anyway.

 

_Pretty lousy, actually. How about you?- B_

 

_What’s wrong?-E_

 

I paused for a minute, resting my phone against my forehead, eyes closed. What was wrong? How was I even supposed to answer that? Everything. Absolutely everything was wrong. But I couldn’t burden him that way, and besides, it wouldn’t be right to talk about Jay’s problems with Edward, so I kept it simple.

 

_I just got some bad news about a friend today.- B_

_I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener.-E_

_I can’t. But thank you. And yes, you are a good listener.-B_

_So if we can’t talk about that, what should we talk about?-E_

I smiled and shook my head. What could we talk about? Good question. I couldn’t talk about anything in my real life with him. And talking about the time we’d spent together was absolutely off limits. That left his real life.

 

_Let’s talk about you. How’s your day? Were you hung over after New Year’s Eve?-B_

_Hardly. I was covering in the ER on NYE. A very long night full of gunshot wounds and alcohol poisoning.-E_

_That sounds awful. I’m sorry. –B_

_It’s just my job. Besides, a guy who would have died lived because of me. That doesn’t suck.-E_

_I thought you said you didn’t save lives. Liar.-B_

_I only save lives when I’m covering vacations.-E_

_Ah, I see. So you’re just a pinch-hitter?.-B_

_Exactly. A second-string life-saver. –E_

_Very funny. –B_

_Did I really make you laugh?-E_

_Yes, you did. Thanks. I needed it. –B_

_Excellent. Mission accomplished.-E_

_Look at you, Mr. Fix It.-B_

_Anytime. Really. –E_

I winced. It hurt. I wanted to hit “Call now” so I could hear his voice. I was already starting to forget exactly what it sounded like. And his words, even when typed out on my phone, just had a way of making me feel better, not as lonely. But that would be crossing a line. We hadn’t exactly spelled out the “rules” for whatever it was that we were doing here, but somehow I knew that calling him would break them.

  
I glanced back up at my computer screen, still filled with all those depressing words and statistics. No, as much as I hated it, my path, at least for the moment, was set in stone. When my life fell apart, it was Jay who picked me back up. It seemed the time had come to do what I could to repay that debt.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Edward_ **

__

She didn’t text back. Usually, she’d just quit responding and that’s how our conversations, if you could call them that, would end. That was okay, she’d talked to me; that was enough. And she said I’d made her smile, made her day a little better. I wondered what was going on with her friend that got her so down, and I hated that I was here and helpless when she was having a hard time.

 

Then I reminded myself for the thousandth time that it wasn’t my place, I had no business trying to make anything better for her. She was going to go home tonight to _him_ to be comforted. He might get her a glass of wine, make her put her feet up on the couch, rub her shoulders as she unloaded to him. That’s what he was there for, after all. That was how it was supposed to work. And she’d chosen him, pretty definitively. Which meant that she did not need me.

 

I cursed my predicament all over again, and then cursed myself for being so stupid, letting myself get in so deep with a woman I knew I couldn’t have. It was my own damned fault. And I was angry at myself for my inability to just walk away and let it go. Every time, when I finished texting her and was left feeling hollow and lost all over again, I’d tell myself that I wouldn’t do it again. I was just going to walk away from this and forget her. Then within a day, the itch to hear from her would be too great, and I’d cave.

 

Anything, even just a few little texts about nothing in particular, was better than turning my back on her for good. I couldn’t face that. So I would keep texting, keep being her friend, keep hanging on to the tiny edge of her life that I had, and waiting for something, _anything_ , to change.

 

 


	12. The Space Between

**_Edward_ **

 

I remembered this song. The music was swirling in my head again and she was pressed up against me. She had hesitated, but finally she’d given in and then her head was resting on my shoulder. Her hair was brushing my jaw. She smelled so good. If I slid my hand up her back, I’d be touching the bare skin of her shoulders….

 

“Edward? Hey, are you okay, man? You’ve been in here forever.”

 

Alec’s voice snapped me out of my reverie in front of the bathroom mirror. I’d been washing my hands when that song, “Unchained Melody”, started playing out in the restaurant. Then my mind just wandered away, back to Jasper’s reception, dancing with Bella, that suspended moment in time when we started crossing over into something else…

 

Except there was no crossing over. There was no something else. There was just lust and too much champagne and caving into temptation. All the other stuff was just me, getting way too wrapped up in my own head.

 

“Yeah…” I finally said, raking a hand through my hair. “I’m fine. I just got distracted.”

 

Alec laughed and clapped a hand down on my shoulder. “You’re distracted all the time these days. You’d better be careful or you could take out the wrong kidney or something by accident.”

 

“It’s a good thing I’m not a surgeon, then. I leave the kidney-mixing to you assholes.”

 

“Nice one,” he laughed. “Come on, Banner just got here. You should come and pay court.”

 

I sighed and tried to smile as I followed him out of the restroom. The restaurant had filled up a lot while I’d been in there. It was the retirement dinner for Dr. William Fitzpatrick, one of the serious old-guard Big Docs on the Lenox Hill staff. An event that a young and presumably ambitious doctor like myself absolutely would not miss.

 

I trailed after Alec as he headed to the bar, only half-listening as he rambled on about hospital gossip and which hot female staff members had shown up tonight. I couldn’t bear the thought of playing wingman for him tonight in his eternal quest to get laid. But I had begged off of every social event and night out since before Christmas, so I needed to pull it together and start acting human again. At least that freaking song was over. They were playing some Celine Dion shit now. No dangerous associations there.

 

I caught sight of Dr. Banner on the other side of the room, slowly making his way from one cluster of guests to the next. He was our faculty advisor and it was largely Banner’s recommendation that got me my offer from Lenox Hill. He’d been good to me from the start of my residency, singling me out for notice, making sure that I was in line to take advantage of a lot of great opportunities. He’d taken a lot of time, too, to talk to me about my career, to share with me stories from his own. It was meant to help me make the right choices, to find the right path to follow. He couldn’t say it out loud, but all of Banner’s attention was his way of telling me that he felt I had promise, and that if I worked hard and followed in his footsteps, I could one day achieve what he’d achieved.

 

I could do worse than follow in Jonathan Banner’s footsteps. He was in his mid-fifties, a highly esteemed member of the medical staff at Lenox Hill, overseeing a large portion of its residents. He spoke and lectured all over the world, and consulted for corporations and government think tanks. He was probably the most successful individual I’d ever met. And the idea that he wanted to mentor me, help my career along…I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t immensely flattering.

 

Still, there were aspects to his career that I hoped I could avoid in my own. For one thing, he hardly ever interacted with patients any more. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him doing rounds, donning latex gloves, or taking a medical history. Yes, some of it was drudgery that we’d all like to escape if we could. But the other parts were the reasons we got into this line of work in the first place. Or at least, they were my reasons. I couldn’t imagine a career in medicine where I never actually practiced any medicine.

 

“Hey,” I nudged Alec. “Who’s Banner with?”

 

I now noticed that as Banner moved through the crowd, his bright white smile flashing against his tanned skin, an attractive young blonde woman was following him, just in his wake. She said nothing, and he wasn’t really acknowledging her, but she seemed to be with him nonetheless. It was confusing, as I’d met Cynthia, Dr. Banner’s wife, during my first year as a resident. He had kids, I knew. A son and a daughter. I was hazy on ages but I had the sense that they'd just started college or were about to, or something. This girl seemed to be a little old to be one of them, but maybe.

 

Alec snorted in laughter, “Oh, her. Yeah, look but don’t touch, man.”

 

“I’m not even looking,” I protested, “I was just curious. Is that his daughter?”

 

Alec laughed out loud this time. “Fuck, no, man! That’s Chelsea, his girlfriend.”

 

“Girlfriend? He’s married! What happened to Cynthia?”

 

Alec shrugged dismissively. “Traded her in for a younger, hotter model, I guess.” He shook his head in wonder. “Man, to be him. Still able to bag a chick like her at his age.”

 

I flinched at Alec’s crude assessment and blatant hero-worship. We’d become friends out of circumstance, frequently thrown together during the first year of our residency when we ended up assigned to the same rotations at the same time. Any grueling experience that you share with another person like that is bound to bond you in some way. And he was a good friend to have on the job, always watching out for me, always at my back. But that’s about all that explained my friendship with Alec. We had very little else in common, especially when it came to stuff like this.

 

“But he's been married to Cynthia for thirty years,” I protested, remembering the kind, dark-haired woman I'd met at the first-year resident's mixer. She'd looked at him with such devotion, and I remember being reminded of my parents. Apparently, I had been way off base. My father would never do this to my mother.

 

“Yeah, but how’s a guy supposed to say no to _that_?” Alec said, casting another lust-filled glance at Chelsea. “I heard he took her to St. Bart’s with him last week. That’s why he’s so tanned. Can you imagine _that_ in a bikini? Damn! Some life, huh?”

 

I looked back across the room at Banner, smiling, shaking hands, the master of his own universe, a stunning, generic blonde girl trailing in his wake.  “Some life,” I said quietly.

 

Suddenly, the question Bella had asked me in the bookstore back in Chicago flashed in my head.

 

_“Is it what you want?”_

At the time, I thought it was a ridiculous question. How could I not want the moon and the stars, which is what I thought I was being offered? But now, watching Banner across the room in his expensive suit with his flashy new date, I actually had to wonder. Will I be him in thirty years? And am I okay with that? I had no idea what the answer was.

 

I had the sudden, strong impulse to text her. I wanted to talk to her, even if it was just her innocuous words on a tiny glowing screen. But I couldn’t do that. There were no rules spelled out regarding our odd little long-distance electronic friendship, but thus far I’d only ever texted her weekdays from nine to five. I studiously avoided times when she might be at home…with _him_. It was eight p.m. on a Saturday. She would definitely be home with him. Or maybe he’d taken her out. Maybe they were having dinner. Maybe they were dancing, and her head was resting on his shoulder like she’d done with me.

 

I groaned softly and fisted a hand in my hair in frustration. I needed to leave this alone. Forget her and move on. This fixation was becoming unhealthy.

 

“Let’s go say hi,” Alec said, tugging on my sleeve. I nodded and followed.

 

“Edward!” Banner called out with a smile as we approached.

 

“Hi, Dr. Banner,” I said politely.

 

He clapped a hand on my shoulder jovially. “It’s John, I’ve told you that.”

 

I smiled a little, “John, then.” I glanced to Chelsea, standing behind him, staring absently into the middle distance, then glanced at John expectantly, waiting for an introduction. She didn’t seem to notice she was being ignored, but it seemed the polite thing to do to greet her. Banner followed my eyes and cleared his throat.

 

“Ah, yes. Edward, this is Chelsea. A friend. Chelsea, Edward Cullen.”

 

I smiled politely and shook her hand. She shot me a hazy, half-hearted smile and said nothing at all. Yes, she was beautiful, but I was having a hard time imagining that Banner had just dumped his wife of thirty years for this pretty, blank slate.

 

“Edward,” Banner said, his voice shifting into work mode, “There’s a seminar on endocrinology coming up at Columbia that I think you should consider signing up for.”

 

“But I’m not an endocrinologist.”

 

Banner shook his head dismissively, “That doesn’t matter. It’s being hosted by Dr. Stevens, and he’s really someone you should know. He could do a lot for you.”

 

I nodded and made a mental note to look into the endocrinology seminar, even though the subject matter had very little to do with me. And I made another mental note to read up on Dr. Stevens, since it was being made clear to me that I should.

 

“And you’ll be getting a call next week sometime from Human Resources. They’ll want to have you come in for a meeting.”

 

“What for?”

 

He looked at me, a bit startled at my question. “To get the ball rolling on your permanent position, of course. There’s a lot of paperwork to go through, plus a lot of legal mumbo jumbo. It’s a pain in the ass, but they’re on top of things there. They’ll walk you through it, just follow their lead.”

 

This was it, the start of my actual job with Lenox Hill. All the hard work, the crazy course load in medical school, the insane hours and brutal rotations of my residency, it was all about to pay off with this. I wished I felt happier or more excited. But I just felt a little numb. Once I was there, going through the process of joining the staff, I was sure it would sink in and I’d be excited. After all, it was a dream come true.

 

“Ah, look who it is!” Banner called out, looking over my shoulder. I turned to find Kate approaching us. Banner kissed her cheek and ran a hand down her back, just a bit too familiarly. I’d always got the impression that he lusted after her, but she was far too smart to embroil herself in something as potentially messy as a relationship with her faculty advisor. Alec, who’d been lingering to the side, surreptitiously checking out Chelsea, said something that made Banner laugh, and his attention was momentarily diverted from Kate. She took a step closer to me.

 

“Hey,” she greeted me softly.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Enjoying your evening?”

 

I shrugged and looked around the restaurant, at all these successful professionals whose ranks I would soon be joining. Suddenly I felt bored, tired, and claustrophobic, wanting to be anywhere but here.

 

“Not exactly. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of desperate to bail on this.”

 

She smiled conspiratorially at me, her eyes sparkling. She really was pretty. “I’ll play hooky with you. Come on, let’s go. We’ll find a bar and just hang out.”

 

I hesitated for just a moment, considering. Why not? She was beautiful, she was available, she wanted me. And this didn’t have to become anything. We could just have a drink, shoot the shit, see what happened. We’d done it plenty of times together in a group, now it would just be the two of us. I don’t know why I was having such a hard time making this move. I needed to give it a chance. It was the right thing to do. No more getting hung up on some one-night stand that was never going to go anywhere. I had an amazing woman in front of me and that’s what I needed to focus on.

 

I felt about zero enthusiasm, but I forced a smile and said, “Okay, let’s go.”

 

Kate ducked her head a little and laughed, and we turned to make our escape.

 

*0*0*

 

“I’m going to give you a prescription to have filled when you’re discharged. Do you have someone who can do that for you?”

 

“Yes, my neighbor, Margaret, can do it,” said Mrs. Farmer, the fragile octogenarian patient I’d been with for the past hour. That didn’t sound as reassuring as I wanted it to. I wondered if there was a way to meet this Margaret before we discharged Mrs. Farmer. She lived completely alone. What if Margaret was equally old and fragile? She wouldn’t be much help then.

 

“Make sure you take all the medication. Don’t stop once you start feeling better, alright?”

 

She smiled up at me fondly and reached her withered little hand up to pat my cheek. I leaned down a little so she could reach easier.

 

“So handsome! And such a nice boy!” she hummed. “Your wife is a lucky woman. You tell her I said so!”

 

“Um, I’m not married,” I said with a shrug.

 

“No?” her watery blue eyes widened. “Why on earth not?”

 

“Just haven’t met the right girl yet, I guess.”

 

“Well, you’ll know it when you do, I suppose. You won’t have any trouble at all finding a nice girl. Back in my day, we’d have thought you were quite the catch!”

 

I laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of my neck with one hand.  
  


“You’ll remember what I told you about the medicine, Mrs. Farmer?”

 

“Yes, yes. I’ll take it all. And you go meet yourself a nice young girl. It’s a shame, a handsome boy like you, all on his own!”

 

I laughed and made a few more notes on her chart. “Alright then, I’ll send the nurse in to finish up with you. You take care, Mrs. Farmer.”

 

I left her curtained bed and headed across the floor to the nurse’s station to put her chart away. I could see Kate down at the end of the hall, talking to an orderly. She caught sight of me and smiled widely, raising a hand in greeting. I smiled and waved back.

 

The right girl. Could Kate be the right girl if I just gave her the chance to be? We’d had a good time the other night at the bar. The conversation flowed and she was funny and smart. We’d had coffee a few times, and we’d grabbed lunch together once when our schedules unexpectedly coincided. It was always good; she was easy to talk to. I knew what the next step was. I needed to ask her out. To dinner, off-duty; a real date.

 

But I still hung back. I couldn’t seem to make myself take the step. Probably because I was still texting Bella. As long as I let that linger, even if it was only lingering in my head, I wasn’t going to be able to give this thing with Kate a chance. It wasn’t fair to Kate, and it wasn’t fair to me. But I couldn’t seem to make myself let her go, either.

 

I was feeling morose and depressed after that internal debate, and turned with a grumble to my charts, figuring I’d bury myself in catching up on my notes to distract myself. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I scrambled for it, knowing it wouldn’t be Bella. She never initiated contact, but I was still half-wishing for it anyway.

 

It was my dad.

 

“Dad! Is everything okay?”

 

“Edward! Yes, everything’s fine. Why?”

 

“You don’t usually call me during the day while you’re at the office.”

 

He cleared his throat a little, sounding faintly nervous. Carlisle Cullen was rarely ever nervous. My father was perhaps one of the most easy-going, relaxed people I knew. “Yes, well, it’s about work, in a way. So I thought it would be better.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

He paused for a moment, and I made the short walk to the staff lounge where I’d be less likely to be interrupted.

 

“Let me preface this by saying that I have absolutely no expectations whatsoever about your answer. But you are my son, and so I feel it’s the right thing to do to offer.”

 

“Dad, what’s going on?”

 

“Well, Harold’s decided to retire a few years earlier than planned.”

 

“Why? Is he okay?” the doctor in me immediately worried that a health reason was behind Harold’s decision. He’d been in practice with my dad for twenty years. I knew he was getting older, but I thought he’d decided to stay on for another five years.

 

“He’s fine, don’t worry. He said he just wants to retire and travel while he’s still young enough to enjoy it. He and Susan have a lot of places they want to go, and they’ve just gotten Chris off to grad school, so they’ve decided the time is now.”

 

“Wow. That’s great for them,” I’d known Harold and Susan Gold all my life. The idea of Harold not being in his examining room whenever I stopped by to see my dad in his was hard to wrap my brain around. “So what are you going to do?”

 

“That’s what I’m getting at, Edward. Like I said, I know what your answer will be. I understand about Lenox Hill. But I wanted you to know that if for any reason you’d ever consider it, Harold’s spot in the practice is yours.”

 

I was speechless. My father was offering me a place in his practice. My first reaction was pride. He saw me as his equal as a physician, so much so that he was willing to work side by side with me, to trust his patients to me. That meant a lot to me.

 

Next I felt guilty, because I would have to turn him down and it was kind of killing me.

 

“Dad, that’s…well…”

 

“Edward, I told you, I don’t expect you to accept. But before I brought in another doctor, I just wanted to make the offer. For my own peace of mind.”

 

“That’s great, Dad. And the offer…well, that you would make it at all means a lot to me. You have no idea.”

 

“I’m proud of you, Edward. You followed in my footsteps, but what you’ve achieved on your own…it far surpasses anything I was ever able to accomplish. You’re a fine doctor.”

 

I actually felt my throat close up a little. I never doubted that my parents were proud of me, but having it spelled out like that really hit hard. “You’re an amazing doctor, Dad. I got into medicine because of you.”

 

He scoffed softly. “I’m just a GP in a small practice. You’re out there taking on the world.”

 

I thought briefly about Banner, the endocrinology seminar, Chelsea…and I didn’t feel nearly as proud as he sounded. But I did my best to sound enthused.

 

“Now, your mother is planning quite the celebration for Harold’s send-off. I know your schedule is hectic and you were just here for Jasper’s wedding, but I hope you can manage to make it home for a few days. It would mean the world to Harold and Susan.”

 

“I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll be there, I promise. Just have mom email me the details and I’ll find someone to cover for me.”

 

“That’s great, Edward. We’d love to see you, too. We’re sorry we missed you in December.”

 

“That’s alright. I had my hands full that weekend.” And then my mind shot off in a completely unwholesome direction, a direction with long dark hair and silky pale skin. I had to fist my hand in my hair to get myself focused again.

 

“I’ll tell your mother you’re coming. She’ll be delighted.”

 

“Give her my love.”

 

“I will. Take care, son.”

 

“You too, Dad. And hey… the offer?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Thanks. It means so much to me that you did that, Dad.”

 

“Of course, Edward.”

 

I hung up and collapsed onto the couch, just staring at the wall. Chicago. I had to admit, now that the shock was wearing off, there was a pleasant little fantasy of running the practice with my dad forming in my head.

 

Then I groaned and dragged my hands over my face. It was ridiculous. He was just asking as a formality. He would never in a million years expect me to say yes, and I couldn’t in a million years imagine saying yes. I already had a job, a brilliant one, here in New York. This is where my future was. And I was about to start living it.

 

*0*0*

 

_Did you go to your prom?- E_

 

_That’s a really random question.-B_

_All we ever talk about is random stuff. Are you going to answer?-E_

_Yes, I went. There. Happy?-B_

_Who did you go with?-E_

_This guy, Tyler.-B_

_Please contain your enthusiasm about Tyler or you might hurt yourself.-E_

_Lol. Yeah, he was a little….well, just a little, I guess.- B_

_Now I’m lol’ing. As a guy, I can’t imagine a more crushing way to be described. You wound, Miss Swan.-E_

_Excuse me? I have no idea what you’re implying… And we never got far enough for me to determine if that description was apt. I meant as a date. Just a little.-B_

_I see. So he wasn’t your boyfriend, then?-E_

_He was applying for the position, but he didn’t make it past the first round of interviews.-B_

_Because of the littleness.-E_

_In part. Why are you asking me about my prom?-B_

_Because you’re answering. What did your dress look like?-E_

_Blue-B_

_I like blue.-E_

I’d been hunched on the hard couch in the staff lounge for ages texting Bella, but I ignored the cramping in my lower back. There was no way I was cutting her off now that I had her on a roll. I had a ridiculously wide grin on my face as my thumbs tapped the keyboard, and she really did make me laugh out loud once or twice.

 

_So what about you?-B_

_Me what?-E_

_Prom. Did you go to yours?-B_

_Of course.-E_

_So?-B_

_So what?-E_

_*rolls eyes at you* Date?-B_

_Lol. Yes. Lauren.-E_

_Girlfriend?-B_

_*rolling eyes back at you* No, just some girl.-E_

_Just some girl. Ouch. You’re a little harsh, too, Mr. Cullen.- B_

_Maybe we should set her up with Little Tyler. They might be perfect for each other.-E_

_Lol. I think Tyler's in prison now. My dad busted him for possession.-B_

_Wow, that's some lousy luck. Being busted by your prom date's dad.-E_

_If you knew Tyler you'd know it was bound to happen sooner or later.-B_

_Hey, wait. Your dad was a cop?-E_

_Not just a cop. Chief of Police.-B_

_That’s kind of terrifying. Now I feel bad for Little Tyler. Talk about pressure.-E_

_Lol. Dad was a sweetie. Well, to me, anyway. Boys were another matter.-B_

_I’ll just bet. Did he greet your dates at the door wielding a shotgun?-E_

_Lol. No. A pistol.-B_

_Seriously?-E_

_Yes…Joking. No, not really. Well, he kept it concealed. Hey, I have to go.-B_

I glanced at the time on my phone. 8:15. We'd been texting for nearly an hour.

 

_Sure. Sorry to keep you.-E_

_You didn't keep me. This was fun.-B_

_Yes, it was. Have a good night.-E_

_You too.-B_

_Later.-E_

_Later.-B_

 

Of course she had to go. Her workday was over and _he_ was probably waiting. Hell, it was Valentine's Day. They probably had big plans, a romantic dinner, the works. I wondered if she would wear one of the dresses she'd worn in Chicago. Maybe that black one from the rehearsal dinner. Of course, once I thought about her in that dress, then I was imagining some other man's hands sliding over the silk as it slid over her skin, and the jealous rage I felt nearly swallowed me whole.

 

I groaned and fell back on the couch. I couldn't keep doing this. It was pointless, and it was wrong. I was trying to make something happen with Kate, so I needed to stop this innapropriate friendship with Bella. She wasn't ever going to be mine. She'd drawn a very clear line in the sand and was pointedly keeping me behind it. So why did I end every one of these conversations feeling closer to her when she was 3000 miles away and hopelessly out of my reach than I did with Kate when she was sitting on the bar stool next to me, attractive, inviting, and here?

 

Because there was something there with Bella, dammit. We might never talk about it, she may have refused to discuss it, but that didn't make it go away. There was something real and tangible between us, and she just _had_ to be feeling it, too. She'd shut me down once, so if I tried to force this issue, she might close me out altogether. I knew it was a risk I was taking, but I would take it. And if she was dead-set on staying with him and wanted nothing more to do with me, then so be it. But before I turned my back for good, I just needed to say it. She needed to know that I still wanted her.

 

Before I could overthink it, I snatched up my phone and started texting.

 

_I need to say this. I think about that night with you all the time, even though I know I shouldn't. I want to be with you and I think you feel it, too. Tell me what you want. Are you really happy with him?-E_

I hit send before I could even stop to think about it.

And then I waited, clutching my phone in my fist, for over an hour. Nothing.

 

Finally, I shoved off the couch, found one of the residents that I knew had a girlfriend and told him I'd take his shift so he could go spend the last hours of Valentine's Day with his girl. Anything to keep me occupied and busy, or else I'd go crazy staring at my damned phone.

 

I kept it in my pocket all night on vibrate. Whenever the busy night allowed me a second, I checked it, but the screen stayed dark and empty.

 

At ten-thirty, I swallowed my pride and tried again.

 

_Just talk to me, please?-E_

 

Still no response.

 

At eleven, feeling depressed and nearly hopeless, for the first time ever, I scrolled to her number and hit send. It was my one final, desperate shot, and I was taking it.

 

It went straight to voicemail. I was startled; I hadn’t planned what to say at all, so I started by clearing my throat.

 

“Um, Bella, it’s Edward. I meant what I said. Please, just talk to me.”

 

I ran out of steam after that. And I had nothing else to say unless I was going to descend into begging. So after a long awkward pause, I ended the call.

 

There, it was done.

 

She never responded, not that night or ever.

 

She might have had nothing to say, but the message was clear. I needed to leave her alone.

I waited until lunchtime the next day, just in case she hadn’t been able to talk in private last night. I waited until I was sure she was finally alone at work, and still I heard nothing from her. I’d worked all night, because there was no point in going home and trying to sleep, so I was like the walking dead by the time the next shift started at one. When I saw Kate coming to clock in, I marched straight up to her and asked her out to dinner the next night. Her face lit up with delight as she said yes. We agreed to talk the next morning and firm up the plans, and then I finally staggered home and passed out.

 

Message received; moving on.

 

 

 


	13. Watching the Lantern Dim

**  
**

****

**_Bella_ **

_Later-E_

_Later-B_

I spent a second staring at the tail-end of my text conversation with Edward. These exchanges wrecked me. While we were having them, I felt great; they were the highlight of my day and the only time I felt even a flicker of happiness. But afterwards, when they were over, it was miserable. I felt torn in two. Filled with guilt and self-disgust at my inability to stay away from him, and also missing him so much that my chest felt cut open. It was wrong and so unhealthy. I needed to stop it, stop talking to him. But the thought of cutting him off made me feel dead inside, and I knew I just couldn’t do it.

 

I glanced at the time and shot to my feet, throwing my stuff into my bag. I was running late to get home, and these days I was nervous about leaving Jay unattended any more than absolutely necessary.

 

He was slipping further away from me, no matter what I did. At first, there would be long periods when he seemed almost fine. Morose and depressed, but normal, coherent, and more or less himself. I'd get home and make dinner and we'd talk. Well, mostly I talked, relating all the minutae of my day in some desperate effort to keep things steady. Jay didn't offer much, but he'd answer if I asked a direct question. And I'd almost think things were okay, that _he_ was okay. I’d start to think that maybe it wasn’t so bad, that I’d imagined the worst of it, or blown it out of proportion. Then, out of the blue, like he was talking about how chilly it was outside, he'd casually start talking about the cable companies training their satellites on our house so they could listen in on our phone calls, and I would realize that it was all still there, just beneath the surface. I would want to cry, to scream at how unfair it all was, but that would just agitate him, so I listened to his crazy theories and felt my heart break for him all over again.

 

Those periods of apparent normalcy had grown shorter and shorter. He seemed to exist all the time now in the fog of his delusions. There was a grand conspiracy, headed up by Eleazar. Eleazar had been sent from Spain specifically to keep an eye on Jay, to undermine him. The job as head of the International Desk at the paper was only his front. Jay went on and on about it all day and half the night. Thankfully, he seemed to focus the lion’s share of his endless energy on researching this delusion, rather than acting on it. He was still Jay, after all, and he’d always been amazing at research.

 

Finding the sheaves of pages he printed off crazy websites covered over with his hand-written rantings was certainly disturbing, but at least he was contained and relatively harmless. He just spent his time closed up in the office, typing away on his computer. Occasionally, he’d roam the neighborhood in search of Eleazar. That was infinitely more terrifying. I’d spend hours talking to him, trying to keep my voice low and soothing, trying to find the little part of my Jay that I desperately hoped was still in there. Eventually I’d get him back inside, and he’d retreat to the office and his computer again and I could breathe a sigh of relief until the next disturbing incident. That was why I liked to stay at home where I could keep an eye on him as much as possible. Thankfully, he hadn’t gone wandering off while I was at work or sleeping yet, but I was sure it was just a matter of time. I couldn’t stay with him twenty-four hours a day.

 

I’d done some more research, pinpointed some hospitals in the area that seemed like good options. But the answer was always the same; he couldn’t be committed against his will unless he was a danger to himself or the community. There was also the problem of the money. He’d lost his health insurance when he lost his job, and because we weren’t married, I couldn’t put him on mine. Private treatment, even assuming I could get him to agree, cost a small fortune. There were programs out there, and aid to be applied for, but the process was complex and time-consuming, and often, the information I got was all contradictory. I felt like I was waiting for something horrible to happen so that I could finally get him some help. It was maddening, and I was running out of options. I felt like I'd done all I could on my own, and had come up essentially empty.

 

I needed to reach out to someone soon, I knew that; but I wasn't sure whom. Alice? I worried that she'd only be concerned with making me leave and wouldn't want to help Jay. Maybe that was an unfair assumption, but I was afraid she'd fight me about it, and I didn't have the energy to wage a war on two fronts. I thought briefly about Rose, but although I liked her and felt like we'd really connected, I'd only spent four days with her and she didn't know Jay at all. Angela? While I’d known her for years, and felt sure that she’d help me get back on my feet after I left Jay, I still hesitated to ask her to help me manage this part. What Jay was going through was so scary and difficult; it just didn’t feel like something I could drag a friend into, especially someone who didn’t have any particular tie to Jay.

 

Edward? It wasn't the first time I'd though about telling him everything. But I always hung back, because of our stupid history. We might be just long-distance text buddies now, but that's not at all how we started, and I couldn't get past how inappropriate it would be to entangle him in this very messy part of my private life. And what if he didn't want to get involved in something this ugly, but felt obligated because of what had happened between us? I thought, once again, about how much simpler things would be if I just hadn't slept with him.

 

So I was left chasing my tail, digging through websites and navigating a sea of automated phone systems at various state agencies, fruitlessly trying to get some answers and help while Jay just kept getting worse. In my head, I knew I was nearing the point when I would just need to walk away from this, but my heart wouldn’t let me give up just yet. I couldn’t come to grips with the idea of just abandoning him to this thing. At the start of every day, there always seemed to be one more call I could make, one more lead I could run down. And at the end of every day, nothing would be any different.

 

The trip home from the office was shorter these days. The one tiny perk of Jay losing his job was that the car was now at my disposal, so I could drive instead of taking the bus. I made it home just a few minutes after I’d left the office.

 

The house was almost dark when I let myself in. Nothing unusual there. Jay usually kept it dark so no one could see inside the windows. I turned on the lamp next to the couch and set my oversized tote bag next to it on the little table. I glanced at the mail I’d picked up on the way in. Just a couple of bills and an ad from a local spa running a Valentine’s Day special.

 

I’d nearly forgotten that today was Valentine’s Day. Not that it mattered much to me this year. It had never been terribly important to me. Even when Jay was well, he wasn’t very romantic. Every year, he’d present me with the same box of mid-range chocolates and the same bouquet of pink mums; then he’d forget about it, duty done for another year. I used to hate those flowers. It was such a perfunctory gesture on his part, with no real thought put into it. They were the most generic of flowers, absolutely devoid of personality, saying nothing about either the giver or the recipient. But for all I’d gown to despise those stupid pink mums, I’d give anything to be putting a bunch of them in a vase right now. Because it would mean that Jay was okay, that everything was like it had been- mind-numbingly boring, but normal.  
  


“Jay?” I called as I set down the mail. No answer. I started to fret, praying he hadn’t wandered off. But the front door was locked and usually when he was agitated enough to roam the neighborhood, he wasn’t thinking about things like locking up.

 

I checked the office. The computer was on, a million browser windows opened, papers strewn everywhere. That meant he was around somewhere. I checked our bedroom and saw no sign of him. Although it could hardly be considered _our_ bedroom anymore. Jay barely slept, and when he did, he usually just passed out for a few hours on the futon in the office. I felt guilty for being relieved about that, but the unexpected flipside was that he hadn’t laid a finger on me in _that_ way since before I went to Chicago.

 

I headed to the back to check the yard, praying that he wasn’t there. Last week I’d come home to find that he’d dragged an empty steel drum into the back yard, lit a fire in it, and was systematically burning every one of his newspaper clippings. I’d been religious about cutting out and saving a copy of every article he’d written since we’d been together. He’d scoffed at my sentimentality in the beginning, but now and then I’d catch him going through the box and I knew it made him proud. He burned them all, along with his diploma from UW and a handful of certificates and awards he’d won in college.

 

The neighbors were seconds away from calling the fire department on us when I came home and found him that day.

 

There was no sign of him in the back yard, so I turned back and headed through the house to the front. I hadn’t checked the kitchen; maybe he was there and just being really quiet. I rounded the corner from the hallway and jumped in surprise to see him standing smack in the middle of the living room, still as a stone and absolutely silent.

 

“Jesus, Jay! You scared the crap out of me!” I half-laughed, clamping my hand over my chest. My heart was pounding. “What are you doing just standing there?”

 

He didn’t move, and his eyes were locked on me. He was shirtless and barefoot, which was becoming his norm. He was in nothing but his faded, beat-up Levis.

 

“Jay?” I prompted again. He was standing next to the little table by the couch, eerily lit up from underneath by the lamp there. My bag had tipped over. The contents were all over the floor. I glanced down at the mess and then I saw it. My phone clenched in his fist.

 

Slowly, he lifted it. It was lit up. I couldn’t see what was on the screen, but I could guess. I was usually so careful to delete Edward’s texts as soon as we finished talking, but in my rush to get home today, I must have forgotten. My stomach turned over in sickening slow-motion and my heart started pounding.

 

“What the hell is this, Bella?” he finally said. I’d braced for yelling, screaming, hysterics. Instead his voice was so low I almost couldn’t hear him. It was full of menace, though and I wanted to take a step back away from him instinctively. I didn’t; I stood right where I was.

 

“What?” I was stalling, but I honestly didn’t know how to proceed, how to handle him, how he would react. I was waiting him out, to see what he did.

 

“Why is he texting you? And like this?”

 

I was caught, I knew it. Although there was nothing explicitly wrong in my conversations with Edward, just the fact that I was having them was a betrayal. I knew that from the start, and I did it anyway. And the texts were by far the most innocent part of our connection. Everything I’d done with Edward had been wrong. My lies rose up in my memory and the guilt threatened to drown me. My face screwed up and my eyes burned with tears.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jay. I don’t know what else to say. It just happened,” my voice cracked on the last part.

 

My answer seemed to break something in him. He moved. He started striding towards me, his fury making him seem so much larger than he really was. He still had my phone clenched in his fist and now he raised it, waving it angrily.

 

“So all this time you’ve been in on it, too?” he snarled, stopping a few feet shy of me. I stared back at him in confusion.

 

“In on what?”

 

“Don’t fucking play games with me!” he screamed, his voice reverberating off the walls. He flung my phone away from him, and it hit the far wall of the living room with a loud crack.

 

“Jay, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, my hands up in front of me to placate him, my tone of voice level and controlled, even in the face of his out-of-control fury. I recognized the tone of voice by now. He was deep into his delusion and I’d have to tread carefully to keep him under control.

 

“You’re lying to me!” he screamed again. “You’ve been lying to me from the start, haven’t you?”

 

“Jay, please calm down.”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Bella! Don’t fucking lie! You think I didn’t see what he said to you?”

 

“Jay, just stop it, please.” I tried reaching out for him, thinking if I could touch him it might calm him down a little, but he threw his arms up, effectively slapping my hands away. Then he shot forward and grabbed my upper arms, hard. His face was just inches from mine, his eyes wide and almost all black in the dim light of the living room.

 

“I saw it, Bella! I saw what he said! Don’t fucking lie! How long? Since the Christmas party? Or since he came here?”

 

“Christmas party? Jay, what are you talking about?” Now I was growing panicked, because he was holding me so hard that it hurt and I really couldn’t follow the path of his delusions anymore. He’d seen Edward’s texts, but his questions were making no sense.

 

“Eleazar! How long has he been fucking you, Bella? When did he turn you against me?”

 

“Jay, no…” Now I understood. Edward. He came up in my phone as ‘E’….

  
“Shut the fuck up!” He closed his eyes and shook his head fiercely, shaking me at the same time. His fingers were digging into my upper arms. I tried to shift my arms up to get free, but he only held on tighter.

 

“It’s not…”

 

“Don’t lie! God, Bella, I love you! I love you so much! How could you do this to me? You were supposed to love me, too. You’re supposed to _love_ me!”

 

His words twisted in my chest. Yes, he was all wrong about the situation, but he was right about the betrayal, and that killed me. All the same, he was working himself into a frenzy, and I needed to reach him and get him to calm down and come back to me.

 

“Please, Jay, just listen to me. It’s not what you think it is.”

 

“It was supposed to be you and me! You were supposed to be on my side!” He was still screaming, shaking, spit flying off his lip, sweat beading on his forehead. He shook me again, harder. It hurt, and I was scared. He’d never been like this before, so completely out of control. It was like he wasn’t even hearing my words. He was gone. All traces of my Jay had been swallowed up by this unhinged man in front of me. I had no idea what he would do next and I was terrified.

 

“Let me go. Let’s just sit down and talk.”

 

“You fucking betrayed me with him!”

 

“Jay…”

 

“I said don’t lie!” His face was in my face; I was leaning back as far as I could while he had my arms in that vise grip. He was still shaking all over and shaking me. Then, without warning, he just let go; he threw his hands up in the air and turned away from me. I lost my balance, all the force of his grip transferred into my backwards momentum. I almost caught myself, but then I tripped on the edge of the rug and I was falling.

 

It all happened in a split second but it seemed to take a lifetime. So many thoughts flew through my head in the millisecond that I cut through the air. I knew I’d hit those stupid glass shelves on the wall behind me. I always did. And I knew if I was lucky, I’d just bruise the crap out of myself, like I always did. I wasn’t lucky.

 

I slammed into the shelves with a staggering force, making them all rattle audibly. It knocked the air out of my lungs and I sagged. Then there was a sickening crack and a flash of blinding pain across the top of my head. It hit me so hard that my head felt jolted down onto my neck and my teeth slammed together. My wooden sculptures on the top shelf, the ones Charlie gave me. They weighed a ton.

 

And then one second I was leaning against the shelves and the next, the shelves were giving way underneath me with a crack and the tinkling sound of glass hitting the floor. Later on, I figured out that one of the sculptures hit and shattered the glass on the way down. I was still stunned from the blow to my head. My ears were ringing and my vision was starting to tunnel. I didn’t even realize I’d lost my balance and fallen forward until I was sliding down the wall. And the wall was wet. Dark and wet where I’d reached out to catch myself.

 

I landed in a heap against the wall, my head still throbbing, my grip on reality getting tenuous. And then the smell hit me. I looked down at my lap, at my right arm lying limply there, palm up. My wrist. I could scarcely see my own skin for all the blood. It pulsed up from a long gash running from the heel of my hand half way to my elbow. Instinctively I wrapped my left hand around my wrist tightly and the blood immediately squeezed up between my fingers. Even in my addled state, I knew this was bad. Too much blood, too fast. And my head was pounding, my ears were still ringing.

 

“Bella?”

 

Jay was standing over me, both hands fisted in his hair, his eyes frantic. He was starting to rock back and forth compulsively.

 

“Heidi,” I whispered.

 

“What?”

 

“Jay, you have to get Heidi, across the street. She’s a nurse.”

 

The smell of the blood was making me light-headed. Or maybe it was the relentless throbbing over my right temple. My eyes were stinging and something was making my vision all blurry. I kept blinking, but it wouldn't go away. It hurt. My head hurt so much. My wrist didn’t hurt yet, but the blood…

 

“Jay, hurry. Go.”

 

He turned abruptly and then he ran. Did he go for help? Did I get through to him? I wasn’t sure. Maybe he just ran away.

 

The house was quiet, just the soft ticking of the clock in the hall. It seemed odd for it to be so quiet in the aftermath of what had just happened. I could hear every one of my shallow, slow breaths. I glanced down again at my wrist and experimentally loosened my death grip on it a bit. Blood gushed up from between my fingers, making my stomach plunge sickeningly. I slammed my hand down again.

 

They needed to come soon. Too much blood. My eyes were getting heavy and my head hurt so much. I wanted to just close my eyes and rest, but a little voice in my head was telling me that I had to stay awake until help came, if it ever came. Was Jay even capable of summoning help?

 

Looking across the room, I could see my phone, laying on the floor near the wall. It was completely dark, not even the little green power light was illuminated. It was ruined. Even if I could get over there, it wouldn’t do me any good. I would have to pray that Jay could get help.

 

The smell of the blood was filling my nose. I never could handle blood, especially my own. I tried so hard to keep my eyes open but I was just so tired. I would just rest them for a minute until help came.

 

The pain in my head spread out and grew fuzzy, almost comforting, numbing. I stopped fighting the urge to keep my eyes open. The last thing I saw was my shattered phone across the room, and then everything went dark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Breathe

****

 

**_Edward_ **

 

I was on Wacker Street back in Chicago. It was night, and snowing; a heavy, wet, nearly  white-out snowfall. The dirty yellow light from the streetlights was refracted and amplified by the snow until it seemed like the air around me was glowing sickly gold. Light, but illuminating nothing.

 

Where were the people? And there were no cars. The whole city was silent. I turned to look up the street in one direction and then the other. Nothing. No one. Anywhere.

 

Then up at the corner the snow swirled, took shape, parted slightly. Bella. She was standing on the corner in her red bridesmaid’s dress from the wedding, the one I ripped. But it was whole now, hanging from her slim shoulders. She was in profile to me, looking in another direction. I called her name, and it was like the snow swallowed the word whole. The sound barely made it past my lips before swirling away into the flakes.

 

It was freezing out here, with banks of heavy, wet snow everywhere. She had no coat, and she was wearing those strappy little shoes and that barely-there slip of a dress. She could freeze to death dressed like that out here. I started down the sidewalk towards her, and the instant I moved, she did, too, in an eerie synchronicity, but she moved away from me and up Wacker. I called to her again but she didn’t acknowledge me.

 

I started to panic a little. I had to get to her, get her out of the snow and inside, warm her up. She could die…

 

I started running, but the snow was heavy and nearly to my knees in places, and it caught at my feet, slowing me down. No matter how hard I tried, she always stayed a block ahead of me. And the silence; the still, blanketing silence of the snow. I kept calling her name, _screaming_ it, and the snow just took my words away. She never heard me and she never looked back; she just kept moving and I kept desperately running, trying to catch up to her…

 

I woke up with a start, feeling like the snow was packed up around me. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. As the fog of sleep and the disturbing dream cleared, I realized I’d kicked off the covers and my bedroom was freezing. Well, that explained the snow, but not the rest. That’s what I got for staying awake too long. Back-to-back shifts just sent my brain into overdrive. That, coupled with her unanswered texts. That had to be it.

 

I pulled the duvet back up over my shoulder and curled into a ball on my side, willing the heat back into my icy skin. The duvet warmed me back up quickly and I thought I’d fall right back to sleep, but I didn’t. I lay awake for hours, remembering the flash of Bella's dark red dress against the silencing snow, always just out of my reach.

 

I finally dozed fitfully for a while and then woke for good at six a.m., groaning at the weak winter light coming in the bedroom window. I’d regret this lost sleep later today for sure, but just laying here trying to go back to sleep was pointless. So I crawled out of bed and shuffled to my tiny galley kitchen to start a pot of coffee. While I waited for it to brew, I retrieved my phone and checked it for what must have been the thousandth time. Still not a word from Bella.

 

I scrolled to Kate’s number and started typing a text.

 

_How do you feel about Japanese tonight?- E_

 

*0*0*

**_Bella_ **

I had no idea how much time had passed, or how many of my fractured memories were real and how many were hallucinated. There was a flash of what I though was me being loaded into an ambulance. There were so many people and the bright lights of the ambulance interior hurt my eyes. I was trying to talk, but Heidi kept stroking my forehead and telling me to relax.

_Jay._

 

I was trying to tell them that he hadn't meant to hurt me, that it was an accident, and that he needed help, too. Had I succeeded? Did I make them understand? Everything was an empty void after that, so I had no idea.

My throat was so dry; I was desperate for a drink of water. Automatically, I moved my arms to brace myself so I could sit up. I was met with a sharp stab of pain from my right wrist, and the pull of cords and tubes restricting my movement _._ I moaned _._

"Hey, there." A smooth, business-like female voice made me finally open my eyes. I wasn't alone. I squinted against the bright white glare of the room. The light sent a blinding pain through my head.

 

"Let me turn down the lights. You'll be sensitive for a few days."

 

I heard her move across the room.

 

"There, that's better."

 

"I'm thirsty," I finally managed, shocked at how raspy and unfamiliar my voice sounded. I cracked my eyes again and the level of light was much more manageable.

 

“I’m sure you are. Here,” she spoke again, her voice coming closer. She was maybe in her mid-forties, stout and all soft, pillowy curves, dressed in pink scrubs with her red hair pulled back off her face. She leaned over my bed with a plastic cup, gently placing the end of a straw against my lips. I pulled hard, feeling relief as cold water flooded my dry throat. My lips were uncomfortably chapped and my tongue was sore. Just the effort of lifting my head enough to swallow made my headache throb horribly. I moaned again and let my head fall back on the pillow.

 

“You need to rest as much as possible. With a head injury like yours, that’s important,” she said in that friendly, brisk tone again as she fussed with the tubes and wires attached to me.

 

“Head injury?” I murmured.

 

“Mmm-hmm. You’ve got a concussion, plus this.” She lightly tapped my heavily bandaged right arm. “The doctor can give you all the details when he stops in.”

 

“Where’s Jay? Is he alright?”

 

“Don’t you worry about him. You’re perfectly safe here.”

 

“No, you don’t understand. It wasn’t like that. He didn’t mean…”

 

“Shhh. Don’t upset yourself. You can sort all that out later. Right now the most important thing is rest.”

 

I opened my mouth to argue, to tell her they needed to find Jay, that he was sick and needed help, too. But the pain in my head was making it hard to focus. I couldn’t seem to hang onto any one thought for more than an instant.

 

“My head hurts,” was all I managed.

 

“I’m sure it does. I’ll just give you another little hit,” she said soothingly, fiddling with a dial next to my bed.

 

A slow, warm, numbness began to course through my system. My already scattered thoughts became just flashes. I couldn’t have formed a coherent sentence if my life depended on it. As I hovered in the dim twilight between the pain and blissful unconsciousness, disjointed images flickered in my mind; the Makah tribal carving of an eagle that Charlie gave me for Christmas when I was seventeen; the ballroom where Alice’s wedding reception was held, dimly lit and filled with flickering candles; Edward’s face when I ran out of his hotel room the last morning in Chicago; Edward, _Edward_ … And then the drugs claimed me and I didn’t think about anything else for a long time.

 

*0*0*

 

I woke up again later for a few minutes. The blinds on the windows were closed completely, so I had absolutely no sense of time. Was it the same day still? A week later? Day or night? It all felt the same.

 

There was a doctor there, talking to me about my injuries. It was hard to focus, though he explained that was to be expected with a concussion like mine. He said a lot, but I focused on just a few facts that I could hang on to. I’d hit my head hard. There was a concussion and a laceration. I hadn’t even been aware of the bandage on my right temple until he said that. When I reached up to feel, I found it just below my hairline. I’d also cut my right arm open on the glass. The details of how that happened were so fuzzy, so I just let it go and instead concentrated on his words. I’d bled profusely and lost a lot of blood. He said “close call” and “multiple transfusions”, none of which sounded good. They were keeping me in the hospital for a little longer for observation, and what I needed to do was to rest.   
  
That was all I needed to hear, as even that tiny interaction had left me wasted and incoherent. I closed my eyes and let unconsciousness swallow me again.

 

*0*0*

 

When I came to again, I felt the first flutterings of actual awareness. The fuzziness of my thoughts seemed to be wearing off. I could look around the hospital room and take in details and wonder about specifics. I still felt exhausted and sore all over. The dull ache filling my head refused to go away, and the light still hurt my eyes, but in spite of it, I forced myself to sit up. The change in orientation made my head spin so badly I thought I would throw up. I was groaning and clutching the rail of the bed when the same red-haired nurse came bustling into the room and saw me.

 

“Hey there! Now take it easy. You’re not running a marathon any time soon!” She was at my bedside like a shot. She lowered me back, then fiddled with the automatic controls on the side of the bed until my upper half was at a gentle incline. That was better. Now I was half-sitting, but reclined enough that the dizziness stopped.

 

“How are you feeling today?” she asked once I’d opened my eyes again.

 

“A little better. Clearer. What day is this?”

 

“Thursday,” she answered.

 

That didn’t help to orient me much, since I couldn’t remember what day it was when I got there. But that made me remember _how_ I got there, and I started to panic again.

 

“Jay…where is he? Is he waiting?”

 

She looked a little uneasy, but kept rearranging my blankets. “I don’t know the details, but there’s someone outside who wants to talk to you. Do you feel up to it?”

 

“Um, yes... sure.”

 

“Alright, I’ll send him in, then. But you take it easy. You’re still weak. If you need anything at all, you just hit this button here. My name is Shelley, okay?”

 

“Thank you, Shelley,” I murmured, trying to smile, but everything hurt, so I wasn’t sure if I managed it.

 

She moved to the door and opened it, leaning out. I could hear her having a brief, murmured conversation with someone right outside, and then she moved to the side to let him in. He was tall and dark-haired, wearing a police uniform. My heart began to pound when I registered his uniform, wondering why there was a policeman waiting to talk to me. This just couldn’t be good.

 

“Ms. Swan?” he asked politely, which was a little unnecessary since I was the only person here. I nodded slightly. Every little movement made my head throb. “I’m Sam. Officer Sam Uley.”

 

I nodded again. “Is this about Jay? Is he okay?”

 

“Do you mean James Anderson? We don’t know. No one’s seen him since the incident.”

 

“He’s not at home?”

 

“No one has seen him there. And we’ve kept an eye out here…you know, in case he came after you. But he hasn’t turned up. We've issued an arrest warrant, though, and hopefully we’ll bring him in soon.”

 

I tried to shake my head but it hurt too much, “He won’t come after me. He didn’t mean to hurt me. You don’t understand…”

 

“Begging your pardon, Ms. Swan, but I’ve seen more than my fair share of this sort of thing, and trying to cover for him won’t help anything.”

 

“No, he’s not…he’s sick,” I whispered, trying to make my unruly thoughts behave. “Something is wrong with him. For the last month or so. I don’t know…I was trying to get him to see a doctor…”

 

“Are you saying Mr. Anderson has some sort of mental illness?” he pressed.

 

“I’m not positive. I couldn’t get him to talk to anyone, but I looked online and I think so. He has all these crazy ideas, that people are out to get him.”

 

Officer Uley was quiet for a moment as he considered what I told him.

 

“Please,” I whispered, “don’t arrest him. He didn’t do this on purpose. He was upset and he got carried away, and then I fell. I know it sounds bad, but he really didn’t mean to.” I left out the thing that got him so upset. Yes, Jay misinterpreted what he saw, but it didn’t change the fact that there was something to see. I’d cheated and been caught. But it seemed to have no relevance here, so I left it alone.

 

“Ms. Swan, if you’re right and he needs professional help, then arresting him might be for the best. If what you’re saying is the truth and this was an accident,” he waved a hand at me lying in bed, covered in bandages and tubes. I’m sure I must have looked like a train wreck. “Just the fact that you were hurt and seemingly at his hands…well, if we have any reason at all to suspect that he could be a danger to someone, and right now there is every indication that he could be...” I opened my mouth to protest again, but he held up a hand to silence me. “I’m just telling you what this situation looks like to the authorities. If his behavior is not rational and he appears to be a danger, we can order a psych consult and he has to comply.”

 

I lay still for a bit, staring at the ceiling, considering what he told me. It might be the only way to make Jay talk to someone. I knew I’d had no luck trying to convince him on my own.

 

Officer Uley continued, “We don’t even know where he is right now. Apparently he notified your neighbor, the nurse, that you were injured, and he took off. He hasn’t come here, and it doesn’t look like he’s been back to your house. But if he turns up and we arrest him, it might be for the best right now to just let this play out. Alright?”

 

I lay back on the pillows, feeling spent and sad. That it had come to this, that letting Jay get arrested and go to jail might actually be my best option, was breaking my heart. I felt like I’d failed him completely. And then there was the terror that I didn’t know where he was. Where was he sleeping? Was he eating? Images of Jay sleeping in an alley or under an overpass filled me with dread. As a couple, we were done, over forever, I knew that. But he was still important to me; I still cared about his welfare. He was out there, sick and alone, and there was nothing I could do to help him anymore. Would he ever even turn up again, or was this it? Was he lost forever?

 

Officer Uley cleared his throat to get my attention again.

 

“I’ll leave you to rest in just a minute, or else Shelley will have my head, but I wanted to let you know that your friend, Alice, is on her way here. She’ll be here sometime today, actually.”

 

“Alice?” I murmured hoarsely, my voice starting to give out on me. “How did she know…”

 

“I knew your father, Chief Swan,” he said gently.

 

“Charlie?”

 

He nodded. “We met some years back at one of the quarterly regional law enforcement seminars. We hit it off and then we’d always make a point to get together at them, grab a beer, shoot the sh…catch up, trade stories, that sort of thing.”

 

I thought back and remembered Charlie making overnight trips to Seattle every now and then for one of those. I always suspected that he spent as much time drinking beer with his law enforcement buddies as he did attending leadership seminars, but I thought it was good for him. He never did do enough for himself. This man, Sam Uley, had been his friend. It made me feel good, happy for my dad.

 

“And whenever a case involved the Clallam County jurisdiction, Charlie Swan was our man, naturally. He was….” Officer Uley looked down at his hands where they held his hat before he continued, “He was a good man. I’m sorry for your loss, Ms. Swan. We were all real upset when we heard that he passed.”

 

Unexpectedly, tears filled my eyes. It never got any easier. Just when I thought enough time had passed and it was starting to fade, something like this would happen: someone would share a memory of him or say something kind about him, and I’d be hit with his loss all over again.

 

“But how did Alice…”

 

“Your neighbor called nine-one-one when she found you. I was there when the call came in. When I heard your name, it rang a bell. I remembered that Charlie’s daughter was named Isabella and you seemed about the right age. So I called back to the Forks P.D. The great thing about small towns is that everybody knows your business, even years after you move away. The desk sergeant there? Leah?”

 

I smiled faintly and nodded at the familiar name.

 

“She told me that the person I should talk to about you was your friend, Alice Brandon. She knew she’d moved to Chicago and after that, it wasn’t hard for me to track her down. Alice stayed on the phone with me just long enough to say she’d catch the next flight. She’s…um, fierce.”

 

“Thank you, Officer Uley. I’m sorry you went through all that trouble.” Alice. Alice was coming. She would be here soon. I was beginning to be embarrassed at my predicament, at the disaster I’d landed myself in, but just the idea of Alice being with me soon overrode all of that. I wanted her so much, it hurt.

 

“Call me Sam. And it’s no trouble at all. You’re Chief Swan’s daughter. That makes you like part of our family. And we take care of our own.”

 

I looked at his kind face and gentle dark eyes, and for a split second, it was like Charlie was looking back at me. And in a way, he was. Years later, and he was still here. It was like he was still looking out for me, through this man. The exhaustion and the stress and the sadness overwhelmed me and I burst into tears. Big, fat, sobbing tears. Officer Uley looked alarmed, made a motion towards me, then stopped, uncertain what to do. The door swung open and Shelley came bustling in, brushing past him.

 

“Alright, alright,” she said, soothingly, lowering the bed so that I was laying flat again. “I think we’ve talked enough for now,” she said, both to me and to Officer Uley.   
  


“Okay, then,” he said awkwardly, clearly relieved to have someone step in to handle my emotional outburst. Charlie would have been exactly the same way, I thought. No wonder they were friends. “I’ll stop by to talk to you tomorrow, Ms. Swan. And if you need anything, Shelley here has my number.”

 

“Bella,” I murmured. “Call me Bella.”

 

“Bella, then. You take care, Bella.”

 

I just nodded and squeezed my eyes shut, hot tears streaking down my temples and into my hair.

 

Shelley fussed over me a while longer and adjusted a dial, and the warm numbness started seeping through my body again. I welcomed it and gratefully turned my face toward oblivion.

 

*0*0*

 

That was the last hit of the wonder drug that Shelley gave me, so when that wore off, I had no choice but to wake up and face the situation.

 

I tried to sit and think, to figure out what I should do next, but the concussion was still making my head throb and I was so drained and exhausted. Every course of action, every small step I could take, seemed overwhelming and utterly beyond my abilities. I was still in the hospital, anyway, so it seemed like the only option open to me in my very immediate future was to recover enough to get out. Then I could focus on what to do next.

 

The doctor cleared me for solid food, so dinner was delivered, but I had no appetite, especially not for the bland, tan food on my plate. My head hurt and my eyes were still burning and swollen from all the crying. Food was the last thing on my mind. I managed to swivel the tray away from my bed with my good arm and was just easing myself back on the pillows when my door swung violently open and hit the back wall with a thud.

 

I sat up sharply to look. Alice stood in the open doorway, arm still outstretched, her hand splayed on the door where she’d shoved it open. She was completely unkempt, her tan coat hanging open and slightly askew on her narrow shoulders, her sleek hair windblown. Her eyes were wide and ringed with dark circles. As her eyes found mine, she let out a strangled little cry as her bag slipped off her shoulder to the floor and she flung herself across the room at me.

 

“Oh, God!” she gasped, as she half-fell across the bed, trying to throw her arms around me. “Bella! Oh, God!” She was crying by then, reaching up to smooth my ratty hair out of my face. “Are you okay, honey?”

 

“I’m okay, Ally. I’ll be fine. I’m sorry you had to come all this way…” I wanted to keep reassuring her, and I did feel bad about dragging her all the way to Seattle to deal with my disaster, but the sight of her just broke me. I was just so relieved to see her. I tried to shush her and reach up to rub her back, but I was starting to cry all over again.

 

“Oh!” she sat up quickly. “Did I hurt you, honey?” Her hands fluttered hopelessly over the tubes connected to me.

 

I shook my head and bit my lips, trying to hold it in. “I’m just really glad you’re here.”

 

“Oh, sweets! Of course I’m here! I came as soon as that cop called. Jasper’s here, too. He’s gone to find your doctor.” She scrambled up on the edge of the bed and slid one arm behind my shoulders. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

 

We stayed that way for a long time, Alice rocking me and soothing me, telling me everything would be okay, while I cried what seemed to be an endless supply of tears. She didn’t ask yet what had happened and I didn’t say, although I knew I’d need to explain everything. For the moment, though, I was just happy to soak up her presence and let her comfort me.

 

Eventually, I calmed and she stretched out next to me, our heads close together. Jasper appeared later, looking slightly awkward as he stood at the foot of the bed and patted my foot. I smiled wanly at him.

 

“Sit, Jasper. You’re making me nervous.”

 

He cracked a smile and dragged his hand through his shaggy hair before pulling the molded orange plastic chair by the door over beside the bed.

 

Alice kept smoothing my hair back out of my face gently. “You want to tell us exactly what happened?” she asked softly.

 

I sighed heavily, wondering where to start.

 

Jasper leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Bella, has he hit you before?” he asked, his voice low and hard.

 

My eyes flew wide and I tried to sit up, but Alice held me back. “No! God, no! That’s not what happened! He’s sick!”

 

Alice snorted angrily.

 

“No, Alice…he is. There have been little things for a while, things that I missed. I just didn’t put two and two together. Then, when he lost his job, something just went really haywire.”

 

“What are you saying, B?” Alice sat up a little so she could see my face. I twisted my fingers in my lap, still hesitant to lay this out there, even though trying to conceal it at this stage was pointless. I’d been keeping it from Alice for two months, though. It was time to tell her everything.

 

“He’s been acting irrationally. He’s got all these ideas… that people are out to get him, that the house is being watched or bugged or whatever; crazy stuff like that. That night, he was convinced I was in on it, too. He was really upset about something and I was trying to calm him down. He didn’t even mean to hurt me. He just let go of me too fast and I fell. It really was an accident.”

 

Jasper exhaled and leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. Alice’s brows were drawn tightly together and she didn’t necessarily look like she was willing to accept that it was an accident, but instead of pushing it, she just asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

I shrugged, still looking at my fingers. “I didn’t know what to do, Ally. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, and how to get him some help. He wouldn’t see a doctor…I knew you’d worry.”

 

I felt exhausted, so drained from the stress and the crying. The arrival of Alice and Jasper allowed me to let go of so much tension I hadn’t even been aware I was hanging on to. I wasn’t alone in this anymore. The relief left me boneless. Alice seemed to sense my energy fading away.

 

“Let’s not worry about it any more tonight, okay? The doctor said you’re getting out of here tomorrow, and as soon as we can sort it out, we’re taking you home for a little bit.”

 

“But, my job…”

 

Alice held up her hand to stop me. “I called your boss before I left Chicago. They’re not expecting you back any time soon. Just come home with me, and once you’re back on your feet a little bit, we can decide what to do, alright?”

 

All I could do was nod, just grateful to have somebody step in and direct me. Jasper got up and left to go hunt down some dinner, but Alice stayed with me, stretched out on the bed by my side. Shelley didn’t even chase her off when she came to check on me, so Alice stayed put, smoothing my hair and humming.

 

There was nothing maternal about Alice. She was all tiny, sharp angles and a piercing, high, clear voice. But the familiar feel of her small body next to me as she brushed her feather-light fingertips over my forehead and through my hair, the soft, spicy smell of her perfume, the reedy little trill of her voice as she sang our favorite songs to me; it all comforted me in a way no one had since my mother had left. I let it wrap me up like a blanket and I breathed her in like oxygen as I drifted off to sleep under her hands.

 

*0*0*

 

It took half the day to get out of the hospital. Every time we thought we were done, some other doctor needed to come peer at my pupils, listen to my pulse and make a note on my chart. Then there were discharge orders that someone needed to write up, but no one seemed sure who was supposed to do it. It meant that I spent the day sitting on the side of my bed with Alice, watching with hopeful eyes as doctors and nurses came and went, waiting for one of them to finally tell me I was free.

 

Once I was finally sprung, I settled into the back of Alice and Jasper’s rental car, nearly faint with exhaustion. The blood loss was still sapping my strength and while my head didn’t hurt full-time anymore, when I got tired, the throbbing in my forehead would start up again.

 

Alice craned around the passenger seat to look at me.

 

“B? We’re going by your place to get some of your stuff. Officer Uley is going to meet us there, just in case.”

 

I opened my mouth to protest again that Jay wasn’t dangerous, but she held up a hand to silence me. “He’s unstable,” she said, “That means you don’t know what he’ll do. Especially now, when everything’s gone all haywire. There’s no point in taking chances. Sam says they’ve driven by a few times and it doesn’t look like he’s been back, but you never know.”

 

I nodded slowly in agreement. She had a point. I was finally starting to see this situation for what it really was. While I might have once known Jay and what he was and wasn’t capable of, this illness called all of that into question. If he was pushed, there was just no telling how he might react now. I hated to admit that, but it was true.

 

When we pulled up along the curb in front of my house, Officer Uley was already there, leaning on his cruiser and talking on his cell phone. He snapped it shut when we climbed out of the car.

 

“Any sign of him yet?” Jasper asked as he approached.

 

“Well, he’s not here now, but it looks like he’s been back at some point. The front door was unlocked. And…” he gave me a pained look, “it’s kind of wrecked inside. Are you sure you want to go in?”

 

My stomach dropped and I felt Alice’s grip on my hand tighten. But I just closed my eyes and nodded.

 

“We won’t stay long,” she murmured. “We’re just going to grab some stuff for you and head right to the airport.”

 

Officer Uley and Jasper went first, Alice and I following a few feet behind. I heard Jasper suck his breath in between his teeth as he got to the living room. In another second, I could see why for myself.

 

The house was a disaster. The right hand wall was already a wreck, the glass shelves collapsed from where I’d fallen into them . Broken glass was still scattered everywhere and there was a sickeningly large pool of dried blood on the carpet, along with a large dark smear of it along the wall. Even though I knew it was coming, I couldn’t help but gasp when I saw it. So much blood. I heard Alice let out a tiny whimper and her hand tightened on mine.

 

“Don’t look, B,” she murmured, nudging me to the left, away from the carnage.

 

What I saw in the rest of the living room was no better, even if it was less graphic. The furniture was shoved all over the place and there were newspaper pages everywhere, covering every surface and most of the floor. They were covered in heavy black marker, the frantic note-taking that I now sadly recognized as Jay’s. I let go of Alice and moved to the center of the room, running my fingers over a page of newsprint draped across the back of the couch. I could make out Eleazar’s name scrawled in several places, next to passages of articles that had been heavily underlined. There were pages and pages of it, and so much writing, all over the room.

 

“Oh, Jay…” I whispered, feeling punched in the gut.

 

“Bella…” I heard Alice say on an exhale. “This is awful. How long has he been like this?”

 

Closing my eyes against the evidence of his illness, I rubbed my forehead with my fingertips, trying to massage the ache away. I felt embarrassed for Jay, exposed to them this way. Then I felt ashamed at myself for feeling that way. This wasn’t his fault and he couldn’t control it any more than if he’d developed some physical disease. But still, the Jay I knew, the Jay he’d once been, would have never wanted Alice and Jasper to see this part of him, to see him so unhinged. It was partly why I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell her about it yet.

 

“Like I said, there were little things for a while. I kept attributing it to other causes. There always seemed to be a reason; I could always explain it away.  Plus, I think he was good at covering up the really bad stuff. But he just snapped when he lost his job. That’s when all of this started.” I waved a hand at the room, practically carpeted with the evidence of his paranoia.

 

“I’m so sorry, Bella.” Alice murmured. I gritted my teeth and willed myself not to start crying again. It felt like it was all I had been doing for days and I was just tired of it.

 

Alice came up behind me and wrapped a hand around my wrist, pulling me back towards the dining table. She pushed a handful of newsprint off one of the chairs and urged me to sit down.

 

“I’m going to go pack up your clothes. Jasper’s going to grab your paperwork from the office, okay?”

 

She disappeared down the hall as Jasper crouched in front of me, peering up into my face.

 

“I need to know which bills were in your name, Bella.”

 

I shook my head, confused. “Why?”

 

“We’ll need to be able to contact them when we get back to Chicago, to cancel things. We’re pulling you out of this, and that means financially, too.”

 

The implications of that, ditching my entire life here and Jay with it, were too overwhelming to think about. I just blinked at him.

 

"But if I leave him..."

 

"You can't stay, Bella," Jasper said, more insistently this time.

 

Then Officer Uley cleared his throat and crossed the room to stand just a few feet away. "He's right, Bella. Look, your dad's not here so I'm going to tell you what I think he'd say if he was. He'd want you out of this situation immediately, no questions asked. You know he would."

 

He was right. When I imagined Charlie here, I knew exactly what he would have done. He'd have insisted I leave, and if I didn't get out on my own, he'd have come to drag me out.

 

So I turned back to Jasper and started to list off the things I would need. There weren’t too many household accounts in my name. Jay had already been out of school and working when I moved in, so it was mostly in his name. There was a credit card, my student loans, and a few odds and ends. I didn’t know what to do about the bank account, but I had my dad’s pension and life insurance money to get me through for the immediate future, so I wouldn’t think about that for now.

 

Jasper disappeared into the office with a bag and went to work. Officer Uley prowled around the room, examining things, no doubt looking for evidence of where Jay might be now, but he seemed to find nothing. I saw him crouch and retrieve something off the floor.

 

“This yours?” he asked, holding my cell phone aloft.

 

I nodded. “Just leave it. Jay threw it against the wall. It’s dead.”

 

He set it on the table and went back to poking around the room. Alice appeared from the hallway leading to the bedroom, dragging the large navy suitcase from the hall closet behind her.

 

“Um, Bella,” she began, her voice unsteady, “he kind of trashed the bedroom, too. Mostly your stuff, it looks like. There wasn’t much left. I got what I could.”

 

I sighed, knowing exactly why he’d done it, the reason he’d destroyed my stuff. And maybe his conclusions had been wrong, but the betrayal was all too real.

 

“There’s some good news. I found your laptop and it seems okay. Is there anything else you want? Anything sentimental? Keepsakes or something?”

 

That part, at least, was easy. “In the closet, on the top shelf on the right. There’s a box that says ‘Forks’. It’s all the stuff I brought from the house when I sold it.”

 

She nodded and disappeared. A few minutes later Jasper appeared with my legal life in a shopping bag. He spoke for a few minutes with Officer Uley in low voices across the room about the state of things in the office. Then Alice reappeared with my box from home and we were done.

 

“Is that it?” she asked.

 

I took one last glance around the carnage of what had once been our house, at all the things that had never had much to do with me. Was this really all? Four years, day in and day out, with Jay and I was walking out the door with one suitcase, a box and a bag. I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it if it didn’t make me want to cry, too.

 

“That’s it,” I murmured.

 

Jasper helped me to my feet and steered me out of the house. I handed my keys to Officer Uley to lock up and I never looked back.

 

I collapsed into the back seat while they stowed my stuff in the trunk. Officer Uley came around to my window to talk to me.

 

“I can’t put eyes on the house twenty-four seven, but we’ll send a patrol car by as often as we can.”

 

“Just…don’t hurt him if you can help it.”

 

He nodded tightly. “I’ve passed on what you said about his condition. Everybody knows what state he’s in. Hopefully he turns up soon and we can get him some help. But you need to distance yourself from this. Go back to Chicago with your friends and focus on getting well.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He shrugged awkwardly. “That's what Charlie would want you to do. You know that, right? ”

 

I nodded wordlessly.

 

“You’ve got my card. You call me if you need anything at all. And I have Alice’s number. If we hear anything about him, I’ll let you know.”

 

I shook his hand and tried to smile. He did, too.

 

He straightened up and exchanged a few last words with Jasper, then he tapped the roof of the car twice as Jasper started the engine. Then we were pulling away from the curb and Seattle was slipping past the windows as we headed for the highway and the airport. I wondered if I should be feeling more, saying goodbye to my home for who knew how long. But I felt nothing except overwhelming sadness and exhaustion. I watched the white-framed houses pass by the car window, one after another, and the next thing I knew, Alice was shaking me awake at the airport.

 

The rest of the day was a blur. Jasper handled everything and I allowed myself to be led by Alice everywhere I needed to go; through ticketing and security, to our gate and onto our flight. I slept for the entire flight and was in a groggy stupor as they steered me through O’Hare and into a cab.

 

It was the middle of the night by the time we finally reached their house. I’d never been there, although I’d heard all about it from Alice during the whole process of house-hunting, then purchasing and renovating it. Some part of my mind thought to be curious about finally being there, but I was overwhelmed, scarcely able to believe that I was back in Chicago with her. Instead I just stumbled up the stairs with her arm around my waist and allowed her to help me change into a pair of her pajamas, which were on the small side for me. She pressed my medications into my hand and I obediently swallowed them down. Then I fell wordlessly into the bed and into the oblivion of a long and dreamless sleep.

 

**  
**

 

 

 


	15. You Don't Even Know

**  
**

__

**_Edward_ **

 

February 26, 2010

From: Esme Cullen (esme_c@gmail.com)

 

To: Edward Cullen ([e.cullen@lenoxhill.net](mailto:e.cullen@lenoxhill.net))

 

Darling Edward,

 

It’s your doting mother emailing to nag you about finalizing your travel plans for Harold’s retirement party. Your old room is here for you, as always, but it’s helpful to know when you plan on washing up on the doorstep, so I can have the freezer stocked with Coffee Heath Bar Crunch in time.

 

At the risk of being a meddling, prying mother, I’m going to meddle and pry a bit. Should we expect you to bring a guest? I only ask because you seem a bit distant and distracted lately, and that only tends to happen when a girl is involved. Alright, tell your pathetic mother to shut up and I will.

 

How many days do you think you can stay? I’m sorry we missed you at Christmas for Jasper’s wedding, so I hope we can steal you away for a few days this time. But I know the hospital keeps you very busy, so don’t feel pressured to stay just for me.

 

Love you, my dear boy,

Mom

 

*0*0*

 

February 27, 2010

 

From: Edward Cullen ([e.cullen@lenoxhill.net](mailto:e.cullen@lenoxhill.net))

  
To: Esme Cullen ([esme_c@gmail.com](mailto:esme_c@gmail.com))

 

Hi Mom,

 

I’m still lining up coverage, but I’m hoping to get there March 14- 17, so you’ll get me all to yourself for a few days, I promise. I’m really looking forward to it.

  
I hope you don’t think you’re at all subtle with that meddling and prying, because you’re not. The answer is “no”. I’ll be coming home alone. As for seeming distracted, it’s just the new staff position at the hospital. There’s a lot to think about right now. I’ll forward you my itinerary once I book the ticket.

 

I’m looking forward to my old room and even more to the Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. I expect a sufficient supply to be laid in or else you’re fired as my mother. Just kidding. I love you.

 

Love,

Edward

 

*0*0*

 

“Hey, Alec, can you cover me March fourteenth and fifteenth?”

 

Alec looked up from his chart and scowled, trying to recall his work schedule. “I think so. Why? Are you can Kate going out of town and getting it on?”

 

I rolled my eyes at his leering. “No, I’m just going home for a few days. My father’s partner is retiring. Big party. You know the deal.”

 

“Sure, I can cover you for it,” he smirked, leaning on the nurse’s station after stowing his chart. “So how are things progressing with Dr. Pierce?”

 

“Nice try, Alec. Like I’m sharing any of that shit with you.” I smiled and busied my hands with my Blackberry. “Things are good. Kate’s great.”

 

“Well,” Kate’s voice murmured at my shoulder, “I’m so glad to hear it.”

 

I swiveled to smile at her, “Hey! I thought you were still on rounds.”

 

She shrugged and nudged me with her shoulder, “We finished early. I came to see if you were free for lunch.”

 

“I was going to write up my notes, but…”

 

“Just get the hell out of here, man,” Alec cut me off.

 

I laughed and held up my hands, “Alright, alright. I can do my notes later. Yes, lunch would be great.”

 

Kate smiled widely at me, “Fantastic!”

 

I put my charts away and headed towards the elevator with Kate. She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, and her mouth curled up in a secret little smile. We’d been going out for a couple of weeks now, and while it wasn’t any sort of secret, we generally didn’t make a big show of it at work.

 

It was good. I’d always enjoyed hanging out with Kate when we were friends, and that hadn’t really changed, except that we ended the nights making out for a few minutes on her front stoop instead of just saying goodnight. I had yet to take her up on any of her offers to come upstairs and spend the night, although I imagined that soon, I would. I worried a little that the prospect didn’t excite me as much as it should. But I also reasoned that when the moment finally arrived, nature would take over, and I’d enjoy it enough.

 

Honestly, our schedules kept us both so busy that we’d only had a handful of actual dates. The rest of our “relationship” had played out over shared cups of bad coffee in the staff lounge and the occasional lunch in the cafeteria, like today.

 

“So,” she began, as soon as the elevator doors closed behind us, “Alec’s covering for you in March, huh? Big plans?”

 

Her voice sounded slightly more interested than the wording of her casual question implied, but I brushed it off. She had a right to know that I was heading out of town, I supposed.

 

“My father’s partner in his practice is retiring. I’m going back to Chicago for a few days for the party.”

 

“Chicago?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “When, exactly?”

 

“Um, I’m thinking the fourteenth through the seventeenth. Why?”

 

“You’re kidding!” she laughed. “I’m going to Chicago that weekend, too! For the vaccination seminar at Northwestern Memorial.”

 

I scowled a little at that piece of news. “You’re going all the way to Chicago for a seminar?”

 

She rolled her eyes, “I know; it’s a total pain in the ass. And it’s not even really the seminar. It’s being given by Dr. Hausman, and Banner’s been pushing me to develop a relationship with Hausman. He awards this fellowship that I was interested in at one point. I might still want to do it, so Banner thinks making the effort to go to his seminar might win me a few brownie points.”

 

I had to concede that it sounded like exactly the kind of idea that Banner would have. “Still, it’s kind of a pain to fly all the way there just for that.”

 

“Well,” she said, her voice dropping a few registers, “maybe not just that, from the looks of things.”

 

She took a step closer to me, and reached out to run a fingertip down the side of my neck. I licked my lips and shifted back just as the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Kate stepped back away from me and I waved her out of the elevator ahead of me.

 

“Do you want to meet up in Chicago? I mean, we’ll be there at the same time, right?” she said back over her shoulder as we headed into the cafeteria. Her tone of voice was light and casual, so I shook off the vague feeling I had of being railroaded into something. It was a coincidence, after all. And if we were going to be there at the same time, it might be nice to hang out a little.

 

“Um, sure. When are you headed out there?”

 

“I haven’t booked my tickets yet. Have you booked yours?”

 

I shook my head as I glanced over the crummy selection of pre-packaged sandwiches on display in the cooler. “I need to do it today, though.”

 

“Hey, why don’t you book mine, too? If we're on the same flights, we can share cabs to and from the airport. It’ll save a fortune.”

 

I squirmed a little at how fast she was becoming entangled in my weekend. Then I felt like a scumbag for feeling uncomfortable. We were dating. I liked her. I didn’t want to be one of those asshole guys who always held women at arm’s length just to retain some artificial sense of independence. The cost of the cabs was not really a huge concern of mine, but I could concede that they might be for Kate. It did add up to a lot of money.

 

“Yeah, sure,” I finally said, nodding. “I’ll book us both this afternoon and send you the itinerary.”

 

“Great! You know, I've never really liked Chicago, but it doesn’t sound nearly so dull now that I know you’ll be around for some of it. Maybe you can show me some of the places you used to hang out?”

 

She seemed genuinely excited, and was smiling at me with such undisguised enthusiasm that I felt bad all over again for any misgivings I might have had about the trip. It was a fortunate coincidence; that was all. And if we were going to be there at the same time anyway, it made complete sense to spend some of that time together. It would be fun. Hanging out with Kate was always fun. I needed to stop over-analyzing and just enjoy it. Even if she did just say she hated my hometown. Maybe she'd just never properly experienced Chicago.

 

“Sure, I’ll show you around my old stomping grounds. It’ll be great. Now, what are you getting for lunch? All this stuff looks vile.”

 

Kate was re-directed to the food choices at hand and I let out a long, heavy sigh.

 

*0*0*

 

March 1, 2010

 

From: Edward Cullen ([e.cullen@lenoxhill.net](mailto:e.cullen@lenoxhill.net))

 

To: Esme Cullen ([esme_c@gmail.com](mailto:esme_c@gmail.com))

 

CC: Katherine Pierce ([k.pierce@lenoxhill.net](mailto:k.pierce@lenoxhill.net))

 

Hi Mom,

 

I’m attaching my itinerary with my flight info on it. I’ll probably get in a little late on Thursday, but if you guys aren’t busy, maybe we can do a late dinner? Nothing too elaborate, as I’ll probably be coming straight from the hospital and dead on my feet. I’ll certainly be in the mood for some Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, so you’ve been put on alert. You also won’t hear me complain if I happen to find some of those cheddar crackers from Mimi’s in your pantry. Just so you know.

 

Love you,

Edward

 

*0*0*

 

 

 

March 2, 2010

 

From: Esme Cullen ([esme_c@gmail.com](mailto:esme_c@gmail.com))

 

To: Edward Cullen ([e.cullen@lenoxhill.net](mailto:e.cullen@lenoxhill.net)); Katherine Pierce ([k.pierce@lenoxhill.net](mailto:k.pierce@lenoxhill.net))

 

My most darling Edward (who never tells his mother _anything_ ),

 

I’m so looking forward to your visit, and to meeting Kate. She explained about your overlapping trips, but when she mentioned staying in a hotel, I just couldn’t let that stand uncontested. We’ll be delighted to have you both stay at the house. Kate, you can see that _Edward_ has no shame about sending me his shopping list. Feel free to let me know if there’s anything special I can get for you while you’re here.

 

Lots of love from your pushy mother,

Mom

 

*0*0*

 

I sat back and stared at my laptop, aghast.

 

What. The. Fuck?

 

It was my own stupid fault for sending the flight information to both my mother and Kate in the same email. It seemed odd that my mother had interjected so forcefully. She was a bit of a busybody, but just inviting Kate like that without asking me first seemed peculiar.

 

And now she was staying with me at my parents for the whole weekend. I’d have to bring her to Harold’s retirement party, of course. There would be no graceful way around that. She would be my date, in a very public forum. She would meet my parents. Oh, God. Would my mother put us in the same room? Probably. I was booking flights for the two of us; of course Mom would assume we were sleeping together. I groaned at how complicated and uncomfortable this whole thing had suddenly become.

 

“Hey there!” Kate was peeking in the partially-opened staff lounge door, smiling broadly.

 

“Um, hey,” I said, shifting uncomfortably, uncertain exactly how I should address what just happened.

 

She waved her Blackberry lightly, still smiling. “Sorry about that. After you sent the itinerary, I emailed your mom. You know…just to introduce myself and explain that you were doing me a favor, booking the tickets together, since we were travelling to Chicago at the same time anyway. She emailed back and we got to talking. Once I mentioned that we were dating, she just wouldn’t take no for an answer about the hotel thing. I hope it’s okay with you.”

 

I sat back in my chair for a minute, examining her open expression, her artless smile. On the one hand, I felt like I was being railroaded into something much more serious than our relationship currently warranted, and that pissed me off. I’d had plenty of experience with women looking to pin me down as soon as they possibly could, and even the idea that Kate might be trying to do it to me really infuriated me.

 

On the other hand, what did she say that was untrue? We were dating. We had been for several weeks. If it hadn’t moved beyond a few intense kisses, that was hardly for lack of desire on Kate’s part. And that was when I started to feel bad. Because I knew where the hesitation came from and why. It was _my_ problem. I was still keeping one foot outside of this thing with her, and it was because of Bella. I didn’t want to let go of her, or what happened. Getting fully involved with Kate would mean that I had. That was pretty shitty of me. Kate didn’t deserve it, even if she didn’t know about Bella.

 

The idea that she’d taken it upon herself to contact my mother directly rankled a bit, but didn’t I open the door by cc’ing her on the email in the first place? I couldn’t wave them under each others’ noses like that and then demand that they ignore each other.

 

So what if I was suddenly bringing Kate home clearly labeled as my girlfriend? She was, wasn’t she? Sure, this was not quite how I would have liked the parental introductions to happen, and it felt too soon, but was I really ready to act like a dick about it? If I made a fuss, it would hurt Kate’s feelings and I’d be one of _those_ guys. I didn’t want to be that guy. And it was stupid to sabotage what could be something good with Kate for the sake of a one-night stand who had cut me out of her life completely.

 

None of this was happening quite how I planned, but it didn’t automatically follow that it was bad. Maybe this was just what I needed to get my ass in gear with Kate. Maybe I’d finally jump in with a little enthusiasm, and this thing could really happen. At least I should give it a shot, see how things went in Chicago. Maybe it would be good. Great, even. I’d never know if I didn’t try.

 

I forced myself to relax my shoulders and smile, even if only weakly. “No, it’s cool. It’ll be great.”

 

She exhaled and visibly relaxed. “Oh, good. I was worried that you’d get all defensive and freaked out. I should have known you wouldn’t be like that. You’re too nice. But really, Edward, it’s no big deal. We’re just hanging out, enjoying the weekend. Okay?”

 

I nodded and forced another smile. “Sure. Just hanging out. It’ll be fun.”

 

She crossed the room then, so she could slip an arm around my shoulders. I reached up to circle her waist in return. She leaned down to kiss me and dutifully, I tilted my face up to kiss her back.

 

 

*0*0*

 

****

This was a huge mistake.

 

I knew it by the time we got to the airport. No, if I were honest with myself, I knew it was a mistake from the minute I read that first email from Mom. But I let myself be talked into it; I forced myself to go along with it and give it a chance. But this was a mistake.

 

Some of it was my fault. I was already in a crappy mood by the time the car stopped at Kate’s apartment. Then she wasn’t ready yet, so we had to wait, and I had to try to keep the car service driver from killing me for it. I’d come straight from a shift at the hospital and I was tired, so I chalked up my annoyance to that and told myself that once we were actually through the stress of travelling and in Chicago, I’d relax and enjoy myself.

 

I didn’t.

 

My mother didn’t like Kate. There was no way that Kate could know that. Mom had flawless manners and could graciously host a dinner for Stalin, if she had to. But I knew her very well and I sensed it in every little word and gesture. So I purposefully avoided eye-contact with Mom all night, because I knew what I’d see if I looked. She wouldn’t judge. No, Mom never judged. She’d just look…concerned. And that was worse.

 

On the surface everything seemed fine. Kate was gracious, polite, and chatty. She asked all the right questions of my parents during the pre-dinner drinks. She seemed everything that parents would want to see in a serious new girlfriend coming home to visit for the first time. And that was the problem. In every little touch and murmured aside to me, Kate hinted at a depth to our relationship that simply didn’t exist. I resented it. I felt manipulated by her and this situation. But of course, I couldn’t step back and correct it without coming off as the biggest asshole in the world, so I had to sit there and take it and fume all night.

 

Dinner went alright. It was pretty simple, since Kate and I had gotten in rather late. Dad was naturally gregarious and curious, and Kate was a fellow doctor, so the conversation so far had been dominated by his questions to Kate about her residency, and Kate’s easy, flawless answers. I mostly kept a tight smile plastered on my face and my eyes fixed on my plate. Every time Kate leaned over to touch my arm lightly in conversation, I had to work to keep from flinching a little.

 

We were in the middle of dessert when Dad’s cell went off. He fished it out of his pocket and glanced at the face.

 

“Sorry,” he said, holding a finger up to us. “I really have to take this.”

 

“Of course, Dad.”

 

He pressed send and started talking as he scooted back from the table and headed out of the room. “Carlos? What can I do for you?...Don’t worry about it…it’s not a problem at all. You're not interrupting….I see....Why don’t you put him on with me and I’ll see if I can set his mind at ease?”

 

Then he closed the door to the study and the conversation was cut off. Kate scarcely missed a beat, turning to my mother with a beaming smile.

 

“Esme, this is fantastic,” she said, indicating her dessert.

 

Mom shrugged and smiled at me. I chanced a look at her. Her still-young face was smooth and friendly, but her eyes- green, just like mine- were shrewdly examining me. “My butterscotch mousse has always been Edward’s favorite, right, sweetie?”

 

“Then I’d better get the recipe from you before I leave,” Kate said, giving me a conspiratorial nudge. I scowled at my plate, but said nothing. I heard my mother minutely clear her throat; nothing Kate would have noticed, but to me, that sound was loaded.

 

Thank God my father chose that moment to come back in.

 

“Sorry about the interruption. Sometimes these things can’t be helped,” he said, smiling as he raked a hand through his dark blond hair. My parents were still ridiculously attractive and youthful, even though they were both in their late-fifties. I guess happiness did that for you. At least, it had for them.

 

Kate smiled up at him. “Are you on call tonight?”

 

He shook his head. “Nobody's on call in a practice as small as ours. No, that was just the son of one of my patients. His father is about to go into a nursing home and he’s very anxious that I won’t be his primary care physician anymore. I’ve told him I’ll come out to the home for his appointments, but…well, he just needs a little reassurance.”

 

Kate blinked a few times before responding. “Your patients have your private cell number?”

 

Dad just smiled, and I did, too, because none of it was the least bit out of the ordinary for him. “Not usually, no. But in a difficult situation like this…well, I’m happy to help any way that I can, even if it’s just a phone call or two."

 

“Don’t they have social services or something that can step in and manage the case?” Kate pressed, baffled.

 

The fuse on my already-short temper finally ran out. “He’s not a case. He’s Dad’s _patient_. And he has been for thirty years,” I snapped.

 

An uncomfortable silence hung over the table for a moment and it served to remind me why I wasn’t going to confront Kate about this weekend while we were still here. As irritating as the whole situation was for me, I’d just make everyone around me miserable if I tried to hash it out now. So I resolved to keep my mouth shut and play along as neutrally as possible until we were back in New York, and then I’d deal with this.

 

My father saved us from the awkward moment with his usual genial smile. “What Edward means is that I’ve been treating Mr. Rodriguez for a long time, and it’s inevitable that you become a bit entangled in people’s lives after so many years.”

 

Kate chuckled as she twirled her spoon in her dessert, “I don’t think I could handle so many other people’s personal lives. I think I prefer the professional distance we get at the hospital. Don’t you, Edward?”

 

My fist clenched under the table but I kept my voice steady. “Sure it’s a burden, but I think I’d prefer it to never knowing more than a patient’s last name and blood-ox level. But maybe I’m just sentimental.”

 

She laughed and patted my arm, like we were just hashing out some old inside joke between us. I heard my mother shift in her chair and my father exhaled. I looked up at Mom and smiled as brightly as I could. “Dinner was fantastic, Mom, but I’ve been up since five and I’m dead on my feet. If it’s alright with everyone, I’m going to head up to bed.”

 

“Of course, Edward,” my mother smiled up at me as I stood up. “We’ll keep Kate entertained down here. I’ll make some tea. That is, if she’s not going to bed, too?”

 

I finally looked at Kate and she met my eyes and the understanding was there. She gave my mother a tight smile. “A cup of tea would be lovely, Esme. Sleep well, Edward.”

 

As I passed behind my mother’s chair, I gave her shoulder a little squeeze, and I felt her fingertips brush across my hand as I did it. Once I was on my way upstairs, I finally allowed myself to exhale. Tomorrow was Kate’s seminar, so I wouldn’t see her until the evening. Then Saturday was Harold’s party, and we were headed home on Sunday. I could hold it together that long. A few days of putting on a happy face, and then I could put an end to this ghastly error in judgment.

 

*0*0*

 

 

"Edward? Where the hell have you been, man? I haven't talked to you in ages." Jasper lit into me the second I opened my phone. I considered lying for a second, but decided I'd feel like a dick if I did.

 

"I...ah, actually I'm in Chicago."

 

"What... _now_?"

 

"Yeah, now. My father's partner's retirement party is tomorrow, so I came home for that."

 

"And you weren't even going to call me, you bastard?" he laughed.

 

"Sorry, man. It's just...I've had a lot on my plate this trip."

 

"What are you doing tonight? Whatever it is, tell them to go fuck themselves. You're coming over here for dinner."

 

"I...um..."

 

"No excuses, man. You're coming over. End of discussion."

 

"But, what about Alice? Won't she rip you a new one for dragging home guests on such late notice?"

 

He scoffed loudly, and then laughed, "Hell no. You're not a guest, you're family. And besides, it's not as though Alice actually _cooks_ ," he said, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world, "We'll order take-out, pop open some beers, catch up...c'mon, it'll be great."

 

It did sound great. Spending a little time with Jasper would go a long way to restoring some of my enjoyment of this crummy weekend. But…shit.

 

"Um, Jazz...I'm kind of here with somebody."

 

There was a long pause, and then he started to laugh uproariously."No way! You brought a girlfriend home to meet the parents? Then you are _definitely_ coming to dinner and bringing her with you. There's no way I'm missing the chance to regale the new love of your life with sordid tales of your college misdeeds."

 

"No, she's...fuck. It's complicated. I'll tell you all about it later."

 

"Fine. Tell me later. Just bring her tonight. Seven. You remember where our place is?"

 

I sighed in defeat, "Yeah, I remember. Seven's good. See you then."

 

"Looking forward to it, buddy," Jasper said before hanging up.

 

"Me, too," I said to no one.

 

*0*0*

 

**_Bella_ **

****

I lost weeks.

 

Before I left the hospital in Seattle, the doctors declared me more or less recovered. The concussion might result in a lingering period of headaches and fatigue, they said, and I should take it easy, but nothing serious. So my physical injuries didn’t explain what happened when I first got to Chicago. Maybe I was depressed. Maybe I was in denial, hiding from the guilt I felt over running out on Jay. Or maybe my mind just needed a little vacation from the constant thinking and feeling, and it took one. Whatever it was, it was weeks before I really thought about much of anything at all.

 

I functioned. I got up and dressed and ate. I puttered around Alice and Jasper’s house all day while they were at work. I ate dinner with them when they got home, and watched tv with them until I got too tired to stay up. But I slipped away to bed by nine every night and slept, long and dreamless, until late in the morning, every day. Sometimes I even napped in the middle of the day. I just slept and slept, and I didn't think.

  
Alice and Jasper were wonderful, never pressing, always supporting. Alice would keep up a constant stream of light chatter about her day while the two of us threw together dinner every night. Just enough to keep my newly-shallow attention span engaged, but otherwise completely undemanding. I rarely contributed much, since I didn’t do anything all day worth talking about. I just smiled and nodded, and Alice was okay with letting me do that.

 

After about a week in Chicago, Jasper took charge of my paperwork, cancelling his classes for a couple of days to stay home with me and make phone calls. I lay stretched out on the couch in the living room with him, but it was mostly for show. He did all the work. It was surprising and more than a little alarming just how much he was able to accomplish over the phone with absolutely no input from me. He’d start sweet-talking the customer service ladies, laying it on thick with the accent, spinning some tale about an accident and explaining that he was just a family friend, trying to help out as best he could. In no time, they were falling all over themselves to help him out, cancelling accounts, adding notes to the records, all without my participation. I should have been horrified about how easily Jasper was able to slip through the security barriers, but I was just grateful that I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

  
Only once did he actually manage to cut through the white noise of my brain and spur me into action.

_“I just need to cancel the contract. That won’t be a problem under the circumstances, will it?”_

_My cell phone. He was cancelling my cell phone service._

_“Jasper, please. I need to talk to them.”_

_Jasper held the phone against his shoulder while he spoke to me. “Don’t worry about it, B. They’re going to waive the penalty for early cancellation.”_

_“But maybe I shouldn’t cancel. What if somebody needs to reach me and only has that number?”_

_Jasper fixed me with a skeptical stare. “That’s exactly why we’re cancelling this number. Jay could start calling you on it, and we’re not having that.”_

_I sat back on the couch with a start. Jay? Now that I thought about it, I probably should have been thinking about Jay. My cell would be the only way he knew how to reach me. That was a legitimate concern. But that wasn’t what I’d been thinking of in that moment. I’d been thinking about Edward. That was the first moment since the accident that the passage of time had really sunk in. Two weeks had gone by. He’d probably been texting and not getting an answer from me. I couldn’t believe I’d been so distracted. I hadn’t even realized how long I’d been without my phone._

_“Jasper,” I tried again, “Just…before you cancel the number, can I ask if there are any messages? I haven’t checked at all.”_

_Jasper’s shoulders dropped a little and his face softened. “Of course, B. I’m sorry. You should check.”_

_He held out the phone to me and I asked the customer service rep if there were any messages still in my account. He spent a few minutes navigating his computer program until he got what he was looking for._

_“It looks like the last activity on the account was on February fourteenth,” he said._

_“I got all those,” I said impatiently, realizing that my fingers were gripping the phone until my knuckles turned white. “Has there been anything since then?”_

_“Um…no, nothing.”_

_“Nothing? No texts?”_

_“No, m’am. No activity since the fourteenth.”_

_The dull thud his words caused in my chest hardly even registered in my already-numb state. But my brain turned the thought over several times, examining it from different angles, in an attempt to make sense of it. He didn’t text. Edward hadn’t texted me once since that last exchange. I guess the watered-down, long-distance friendship, which was all I’d been able to offer him, just stopped being enough. That thought hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt. I was very efficiently focused on not feeling anything at all at the moment, so I wordlessly handed the phone back to Jasper, and he finished cancelling my cell phone service. I stretched back out on the couch, resting my head on the arm, staring out of the back windows of the house at the frost-covered back garden, letting the low rumble of Jasper’s voice lull me back to sleep._

 

 

The fog began to lift slowly. I stayed up later at night, laughing more at the television with them. I began to take an interest in my surroundings, exploring Alice and Jasper’s new greystone townhouse. It dated from 1904, but they’d renovated it entirely when they moved in a year and a half ago. It was lovely, bright and modern, with polished, light wood floors throughout and an airy, open stairway linking the floors.

 

Her kitchen was immense and beautiful, all cherry wood and granite and stainless steel appliances. It was rather ironic that Alice had a state-of-the-art kitchen, since she couldn’t cook to save her life. Most nights, she ordered out or we made pasta.

 

As I gradually woke up from my Rip van Winkle- like fugue state, I started spending more time there. I could cook; I liked doing it. And cooking dinner every night made me feel like I was repaying their endless kindness to me, although they kept insisting it was unnecessary.

 

Once I started cooking, my recovery sped up considerably. I got curious about where, exactly, one bought groceries in a city like Chicago. So I tagged along with Alice one Saturday, and it turned out the answer was Trader Joe’s, just the same as in Seattle. But at least I knew where it was now, and I’d left the house for the first time in weeks.

 

As my brain came back online, I finally allowed myself to think about Jay. I knew Officer Uley was right; if my father had been alive, he'd have hauled me out of that situation the second he knew what was going on. Those words from Sam Uley were what finally allowed me to leave with Alice and Jasper without looking back. But now that I had some distance and a few weeks to gather my wits back together, the guilt and worry returned.

 

I knew Alice didn't want to even mention his name, so I snuck my phone calls to Officer Uley when they were both gone. There was nothing to learn, however. Still no sign of Jay. I knew what it meant. In his diminished capacity, he'd hardly have the wherewithal to move to a new place, get a new job, and start all over. What it meant was that he was most likely living on the streets. Maybe in a best-case scenario, he was in a shelter of some sort somewhere. But if that were the case, Officer Uley would have probably run across him at some point, and that hadn't happened. The image of Jay sleeping under an overpass or in some alley someplace plagued me, but I didn't know what else I could do for him. I could hardly even take care of myself at this point. So I worried about him, but said nothing, since there was nothing to be done.

  
Two words danced around my subconscious constantly, always staying just outside my immediate awareness, but present nonetheless: _What next?_ I didn’t know the answer; not even the start of the answer, so I refused to even ask the question for now. Alice didn’t press; she was happy to let me float through her house and keep her company and help her grocery shop and do laundry, and I was happy to do those things. For now, it was enough.

 

Alice began to mention friends. Angela knew I was in Chicago. She hadn’t come to see me yet, at Alice’s request, but she was desperately worried and wanted to. I wanted to see her, too, although I dreaded the explanations I’d have to give and the questions I’d have to answer when it finally happened. Every day, I felt a little closer to being able to manage it. To my surprise, Rose had also asked after me and said she wanted to come by. I was touched at her interest, and I promised Alice that soon I’d see her, too. Even Jessica had sent her best wishes via Alice. Soon, I would reach out to them and rejoin the land of the living. Soon, I would ask the question: _What next?_ And soon, I’d answer it.

 

Soon came much faster than I expected.

 

I was curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and the latest issue of _Chicago Life_ that Alice had brought home from work. _Extra_ was on in the background, and I was letting my mind float pleasantly between the article on antique stores in the greater Chicago area and the sound of Mario Lopez debating whether or not Kim Kardashian had a nose job, when the front door opened with a crash and Alice careened into the living room, a full hour earlier than normal, arms laden with grocery bags.

 

“Alice? What’s wrong? Why are you home so early?”

 

She unceremoniously dumped the bags in the entry way and threw her hands in the air with a huff. “Jasper! He just goes inviting guests over for dinner with absolutely no warning whatsoever! He calls me at _four_ in the afternoon and springs this on me! We’re just ordering out, but still! I have to be able to offer them drinks and stuff, and we’re out of everything! And the least I can do is have some snack foods on hand and dessert or something, so I had to leave work early and hit the store and….”

 

“Alice, slow down!” I hopped off the couch and came to help her haul the bags into the kitchen. She snatched two of them back up off the floor and headed into the kitchen ahead of me, still nearly vibrating with energy. Dropping the bags on the kitchen island, she turned her attention to the refrigerator, flinging the door open and burying her head inside.

 

“I got a cheesecake at Trader Joe’s for dessert, but it looks so lame by itself. And so clearly a last-minute desperate purchase, which it totally is…”

 

“Just take a deep breath. What time do they get here?” I asked, setting my load of bags on the kitchen island and starting to unpack them.

 

“Seven.”

 

“See? Plenty of time. I think there’s still some strawberries in the bottom of the fridge. We can slice those up and arrange them on the cheesecake and that will dress it up.”

 

“Oooh, excellent idea, Bella!” Alice started rummaging through the produce drawer.

 

“So are these people he teaches with or something?”

 

Alice sighed, “No, it’s just Edward, so it’s not even a big deal, but I want it to look like I exerted _some_ kind of effort. I mean, we don’t get to see him all that often, and….”

 

I was frozen right where I stood, still unpacking a grocery bag, a bottle of seltzer in one hand, a couple of limes in the other. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the flecks of mica in the black shiny countertop. Edward.

 

_Edward._

Coming here for dinner in just over an hour. I felt cold all over. Or really hot. I couldn’t tell. And I still couldn’t move a muscle. It was all I could do to focus on dragging air into my lungs.

 

“Bella?” Alice had noticed my silence and turned away from the refrigerator. “B? This isn’t…I mean, I know you guys were flirting a little with each other at the wedding, but this is cool, right? You won’t be bothered if….”

 

I finally made my hands release the seltzer and limes, and I set them carefully on the counter. Then I splayed my hands wide against it to steady myself, drawing in slow deep breaths so I wouldn’t freak out. Alice didn’t know. _No one_ knew. I needed to pull my shit together fast.

 

“Oh, God….” Alice murmured. _Too late_ , I realized with a hollow, sinking feeling. She’d figured me out. She always could read me like a book. “Did something happen at the wedding?”

 

Slowly, I tipped my chin forward; the barest acknowledgement.

 

“What happened? How far did it go?” Her voice was a faint whisper.

 

Finally, I grimaced and made myself look at her, knowing she’d know the minute she saw my face.

 

“OH MY GOD!” she shrieked, clamping both hands over her mouth, eyes wide with horror. “You slept with Edward!!”

 

I flinched. “Alice!” I hissed in warning, even though there was no one else in the house to hear her scream it.

 

“Wh…what….” She started flapping her hands, then placed one flat against her chest and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down. "How the fuck did it happen? And _when_??”

 

I groaned and clutched at my hair with both hands, squeezing my eyes shut, too. “I don’t know,” I moaned. “It just _happened_. I tried to stay away, I really did. But he was just…and I… I couldn’t say no and it just…happened. After the reception. You were really drunk, so you probably don’t remember.”

 

“I remember you leaving with Jessica right after the bouquet toss.”

 

“Yeah, it was after that. He came to my room and we…”

 

“Agghhhh!” she shrieked again at the mental image I evoked.

 

“Alice, what’s the problem? I seem to recall you practically throwing me at him when I first got there!”

 

“Yeah, but you’re…. _you_! I never in a million years thought you’d actually do anything! I just thought it would be good for your self-esteem to flirt with a nice guy!”

 

“Well, I did more than flirt, and I’m not sure if I’d actually call it healthy.”

 

She inhaled sharply through her nose, which seemed to calm her down a little. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn’t tell _anybody_ , Alice. Well, your dad knows but…”

 

“WHAT??”

 

“He was driving me to the airport and I missed my wakeup call the next morning,” I waved my hands at her to calm her down. “He had to track me down. And he found me. In bed with Edward. He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

 

“My _father_ knows and I don’t??”

 

“Can we not talk about this part of it, Alice? That morning is one of the more embarrassing moments of my life; I’m not all that eager to relive it. Like, _ever_.”

 

She shook her head and drew another deep breath. She began to pace in short circuits between the refrigerator and the kitchen island, now in problem-solving mode. “Okay. So you slept with Edward. Just the one time. It was just one time, right?”

  
“Alice! Of course it was.”

  
“Right. So you guys had this one-night-stand, and now you’ll have to talk to him again for the first time since…”

 

“I’ve talked to him since then,” I murmured.

 

“What?”

 

“I said, we’ve talked. We used to talk.”

 

“Excuse me? What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, he used to text me. We’d text.”

 

“About what? What did he say?”

 

“Nothing. We pretty much talked about nothing. He asked me about my prom.” The corner of my mouth twitched up in a reluctant smile at the memory of that conversation, the last one we had, now that I thought about it. Alice stopped pacing and just stared at me, her face blank, her eyes wide.

 

“Jesus,” Alice breathed.

 

I huffed and straightened up, trying to refocus on the groceries. “Alice, it’s nothing. It’s over and done with. It was one night. And sure, we talked a little afterwards, but he quit texting me, so I’m sure it’s all ancient history for him.” I was still trembling inside, but I _sounded_ remarkably casual and confident about the situation.

 

She relaxed minutely, leaning against the island for a minute, watching me aimlessly sort the groceries. Then she gasped and took a step back, her hands flying to her face again.

 

“What? What’s wrong?”

 

“Oh, God…”

 

“Alice, whatever it is, just spit it out already.”

 

“He’s bringing his new girlfriend tonight.”

 

_Oh._

“Oh….well…that, um…that explains it, then. Why he stopped texting me. He must have met someone. Which is…um…it’s good…for him,” I scowled and focused on my hands, where I was squeezing the poor limes into oblivion. I was having a hard time drawing in a full breath again, which was ridiculous, because none of this was any business of mine. I told him that I could only be his friend. And I was his friend. And he was mine. Until he wasn’t anymore. Because of her. My stomach was clenching almost painfully, and I still couldn’t breathe properly. I closed my eyes and focused on inhaling through my nose.

 

“Bella? Are you going to be okay?” Alice stepped closer and put her hand on my back. “We’ll cancel! I’ll call Jasper and tell him I came down with food poisoning! He can’t argue with that!”

  
“Alice, no! This is exactly why I didn’t want anyone to know. He’s Jasper’s friend. He’s _your_ friend. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I can do this.”

 

“Are you sure? Because in your condition…”

 

I straightened up instinctively. “I’m fine,” I said, a little sharply. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I can handle it. Now let’s figure out what you’re going to order, and I’ll get to work on the strawberries.”

 

She hung next to me for another moment, her face creased with worry, her hand rubbing my shoulder gently. Then she moved away towards the drawer with all the menus, and I turned to the fridge for the strawberries. Once I had the door open, I pushed my face inside and closed my eyes, inhaling the cold air. It helped a little, to clear my head and cool my flushed skin.

 

Edward was coming here in an hour with his new girlfriend. Could I really do this? Yes, I could. Sure, at one point, there had been the tantalizing promise of something amazing with him, but first my circumstances intervened, and now, it seemed, the moment had passed. The window of opportunity, such as it had been, had closed.

 

Pushing away all the emotion and turmoil, I focused on Alice, on the kitchen, on the little tasks in front of us that would get us through this evening unscathed…I hoped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. The Most Uncomfortable Dinner Ever

 

 

**_Edward_ **

****

After I got off the phone with Jasper, I texted Kate with the dinner plans. Unsurprisingly, she jumped at the chance to spend the evening with my best friend and his wife. How perfect. Just two happy couples having dinner.

 

Then I decided I needed a run, both to stretch my legs a bit and to clear my head. To be honest, I also wanted to avoid the house and my mother for a little while. She knew things weren’t good between Kate and me, and knowing Mom, as soon as she cornered me alone, she’d want to talk about it. So I stole some sweats from my dad’s dresser and took off through the streets of my old neighborhood. It helped to be focused on nothing but the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, on the feel of my throat and lungs burning as I dragged in gulps of the still-frosty air.   
  


When I got back to the house, I was sweaty and too exhausted to do more than drag myself through a scalding hot shower. By the time I got out, dried off and dressed, there was only half an hour to kill until Kate was due back from her seminar. I headed down to the kitchen and was just turning away from the fridge with a bottle of water when my mother cleared her throat from the doorway to alert me of her presence.

 

She lounged against the frame, arms crossed over her chest, looking years younger than her age, in a cream turtleneck and dark jeans, her light auburn hair pulled to the base of her neck. The lightly polished nails of one hand drummed gently against her arm as she examined me closely, one corner of her mouth hitched up.

 

“How are you, Edward?”

 

I stared back at her for just a beat too long. “Fine. I went for a run. Just rehydrating.” I lifted my water bottle in explanation.

 

“While I’m glad to hear that you’re keeping physically fit, that’s not what I asked. How _are_ you? Because you don’t seem happy.”

 

“Are you talking about Kate?”

 

“Are you?” she shot back.

 

I looked away and shrugged. “We’ve got some things to sort out when we get back.”

 

“I would imagine.”

 

“You don’t like her,” I said, not accusing, just a statement.

 

“I like her fine. I’m just afraid that _you_ don’t.”

 

“That’s not it. I do. Just…I think we’re not on the same page regarding our relationship.”

 

Mom smiled wryly. “I get that. You need to make yourself clear, Edward. Kate….she’s a very determined young woman. She knows what she wants, and she sets out to get it. She wouldn’t be where she is in her career if she wasn’t that way. You’re very alike, in that respect, at least.” Mom paused for a moment and took a few steps closer to me, “She wants _you_. And she’ll get you, if she can figure out how to do it.”

 

“Mom…”

 

She held up her hands to stop me, “I’m not saying any of those things are bad, Edward. If you want her, too. If you don’t, then that’s when you need to be careful.”

 

I looked at her a moment, considering what to say. “I thought I wanted her. At least, I wanted to try. But…”

 

“But?”

 

I smiled half-heartedly, because when she said “but” like that to prompt me to dig deeper, she reminded me of Bella doing the very same thing the first time I really talked to her back in December.

 

“She’s not who I want,” I finally finished quietly.

 

“I see. When you say it that way, sweetie, it sounds like maybe there’s someone else who is.”

 

I chuckled without humor and shook my head. “Yeah, but I can’t have her. I got myself into a bit of a mess. It’s a long story.”

 

Mom just tipped her head to the side and looked at me with sadness. “Be careful, sweetie. With Kate and with yourself.”

 

I looked back up at her and nodded. She reached out her arms for me and I crouched down to let her fold me into her surprisingly strong embrace. She wore the same perfume that she had since I was a kid, and the smell of her when she hugged me like this instantly made me relax. I might be more like my father in personality and temperament, but my mother always just _got_ me, in a way almost no one else did.

 

“I love you, baby,” she murmured into my shoulder. “Even though you’re all grown up and you’re not my baby anymore.”

  
I chuckled against the top of her head. “I love you, too, Mom.”

 

I heard the front door open and released her to see Kate round the corner into the kitchen.

 

“Hey,” I said in tepid greeting.

 

“Hey!” she said, brightly, clearly delighted to see me. And then I felt like a shit, because what my mother said was true. Yes, Kate was driven and determined when she wanted something. That wasn’t a bad thing when the other person wanted you back. And I’d given her every indication up until this weekend that I did. So maybe she was taking things a little to the extreme here in Chicago, but it wasn’t her fault that in the end, I just didn’t feel for her what I’d hoped I would. The truth was, I’d used her to try and distract myself from my situation with Bella. I might have tried to tell myself that I was interested in her, that I really did want to pursue something. But I’d been lying to myself. I’d used her. So what she was doing here in Chicago was wrong, but what I’d done in asking her out in the first place was just as wrong.

 

Seeing her standing there, watching me with my mother so hopefully, made me squirm with guilt at what I would have to do when we got back to New York. But there were a few days left until then, and I absolutely would not put her in an awkward position while we were here. She didn’t deserve that. So I cleared my throat and smiled back with as much enthusiasm as I could manage. “It’s nearly time to go. Are you ready?”

 

She smiled and nodded, and I left the kitchen without looking back at my mother.

 

*0*0*

 

“So how do you know Jasper again? High school?” Kate asked as I maneuvered my dad’s car into a spot along the curb a few blocks from Jasper’s house in Wicker Park. On-street parking here was always a nightmare. I was a little surprised we’d managed to get this close.

 

“No, college. He was my roommate at Dartmouth.”

 

“But he lives in Chicago?”

 

“He just happened to get a teaching position here. Happy coincidence. Well, except that I don’t really live here anymore. He knows my parents, though. They have Jasper and Alice over to dinner now and then.”

 

“It’s nice that you’re all so close.”

 

I flinched internally at that wistful note in her voice as I reached into the backseat to retrieve the bottle of wine we’d brought.

 

“Ready?” I smiled, choosing to end this particular line of questioning.

 

“Nice place,” Kate murmured a few minutes later, as we stood on the wide stone steps in front of the house.   
  


“They bought it about a year and a half ago; did a lot of work on it. They did a nice job. It’s beautiful inside.”

 

The door swung open and Jasper’s face split into a wide grin as he saw me. I relaxed a little in spite of my general uneasiness. We laughed and half-hugged before he turned his attention to Kate.

 

“Ah…Jasper, this is Kate Pierce. Dr. Kate Pierce. We work together at Lenox Hill.”

 

Jasper smiled warmly and shook her hand. “Well, well, well. It is always a pleasure to meet any friend of Edward’s. We so rarely get to. You’re a real treat, Kate. Come on in.”

 

I laughed and punched his arm half-heartedly at the ridiculous Southern accent he was pouring all over her. “Knock it off, asshole, and let us in.”

 

He chuckled and backed away, leading us through the entryway into the house.

 

“Just drop your coats there and come on back. Alice is mixing up some kinda cocktails in the kitchen. They’re green. I'm a little afraid, to tell you the truth,” he was talking over  his shoulder as he walked, all ease and affability. I motioned Kate ahead of me, and we followed him down the hall into the brightly-lit, open sitting room.

 

What I saw there stopped my heart cold.

 

Bella Swan was standing in the middle of the room, wide dark eyes fixed on me as I froze in my tracks.

 

“Oh! Right,” Jasper was laughing absently. “I forgot to mention when we talked earlier, Edward. Bella’s visiting right now. You met at the wedding, remember?”

 

All rational thought deserted me. The polite response I was supposed to give, the hellos I was supposed to say, the introductions I was supposed to make…all gone. All I could do was stand there and stare at her as she stared back. While I was looking at her, there hardly seemed to be anyone else present.

 

In the periphery of my mind, I sensed the awkwardness filling the room, Jasper glancing back at me, puzzled, Kate standing at my side, watching me expectantly. Bella dropped her eyes to the floor abruptly and that was what I needed to snap out of it.

 

“Um…yeah. The wedding. Right. Nice to see you again.”

 

“You, too.” I saw her lips make the words, but I couldn’t hear her at all.

 

“Edward?” Kate murmured.

 

“Sorry,” I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Kate, this is Bella Swan. She’s Alice’s friend from Seattle. She was in their wedding, too. Bella, this is…um, Kate.”

 

Kate’s eyes flickered to me, giving away nothing, but then she smiled and stepped forward into the room, hand extended towards Bella.

 

“Nice to meet you,” she said smoothly. Kate had a few inches on Bella, and Bella had to tip her head back to look at her.

 

“Likewise,” Bella said, although just loud enough for me to hear her this time.

 

“Oh, my God! Jasper, why didn’t you tell me they were here??” Alice shrieked as she entered the room, rushing towards Kate and Bella.

 

“Relax, babe,” Jasper chuckled. “I think I’m capable of answering the door on my own.”

 

“I know! But I should have been here to...um, say hi and make the introductions.” Alice was smiling now, but it seemed too bright and forced. She was standing nearly pressed-up against Bella’s side as she turned her attention to Kate. “Hi, I’m Alice.”

 

Kate smiled gamely and shook her offered hand. “Kate.”

 

“And you’ve met Bella.”

 

“Yes, I have,” Kate murmured.

 

Then there was a long, _really awkward_ silence, while everybody stood rooted to their spots and waited for someone else to talk first. Jasper and Alice exchanged a loaded glance, and Jasper looked baffled. Finally, he cleared his throat.

 

“Beer, Edward?”

 

“Yes, please,” I rasped.

 

“Kate?” he said, “A drink? What can I get you?”

 

“A beer is fine. Whatever Edward’s having,” she said off-handedly, moving back to stand at my side, closer than before, and wrapping one hand around my elbow.

 

Bella’s eyes had dropped to the floor and she still hadn’t looked back up. She certainly hadn’t looked anywhere near me. I was desperate for her to. I needed to look at her face, into her eyes, and get some kind of explanation for what was happening.

 

_Why was she here?_

 

Bella was in Chicago, and seemingly alone. A visit. Jasper said she was here for a visit, right? What the hell did that mean? She’d just been here for a visit in December. And who the hell vacations in Chicago in March? Jasper’s reactions told me that he had no idea that anything was amiss, so I didn’t suspect that this was any sort of twisted set-up, but Alice was definitely on the knife-edge of hysteria. _She_ knew what was going on. And Bella…I couldn't get any kind of read off of her. She wasn’t saying anything, and she wouldn’t even look at me.

 

Finally, I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but I was also unlikely to be enlightened any time soon. Half the people here thought Bella and I knew each other only in passing, having spent a few days in each other’s company at a wedding, months ago. Since Bella seemed unwilling to acknowledge anything more than that, I couldn’t either. And besides, I was here with my _girlfriend_. Jesus, how fucked up was this situation? I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it if it didn’t also make me want to throw up. Kate was at my side tonight, and I needed to at least _act_ like that was okay.

 

Jasper came back with our beers, and I forced a smile before taking a long drag on it. Alice started chattering about appetizers and waving us towards the dining table. The sitting room we were in was one open space with the dining room, so we milled closer to the table where Alice had laid out a few trays of snacks. I answered Alice’s polite questions about the retirement party tomorrow, and my parents, and my residency, while we went through the business of ordering dinner, all the time acutely aware of Bella's silent presence at the edge of the room.

 

Then we moved back to the sitting room. I sat on the couch, and Kate immediately sat down next to me, her thigh pressed along the entire length of mine, her arm leaning on my arm. Alice and Jasper sat down on the opposite loveseat, and Bella took the club chair next to them, curling one leg underneath herself.

 

There was another moment of awkward silence. My social faculties had failed me completely. Everything I wanted to talk about was absolutely forbidden, and I was incapable of making the necessary small-talk to fill the void. Alice jumped in, though, peppering Kate with questions. Kate cast one brief glance at me, which I avoided, before joining into conversation with Alice.

 

With the two of them filling the silence, I took the opportunity to surreptitiously examine Bella. She was picking at her thumbnail, eyes studiously fixed on her hands. She was wearing a heavy sweater, but she seemed thinner than when I last saw her, and if possible, even paler. She looked like she’d been ill, and immediately, I began to fret that something was wrong with her and that’s why she was here. But that was ridiculous. If she was sick, she’d be home in Seattle where _he_ could take care of her. Her long dark hair was down, and with her head tipped forward, it half-obscured her face, so I couldn’t get a good look at her eyes or expressions. It was maddening, but I told myself that I really didn’t need to see her expression to know how she was feeling. My presence was clearly a surprise to her; an awkward and unwelcomed one. Jasper seemed to have no idea what had happened, or he wouldn’t have asked me over. This was obviously a completely accidental clusterfuck that we would have to get through as best we could.

 

Even thinner and frail-looking, she was still so beautiful that it made my chest hurt. Seeing that swing of dark hair made me remember what it felt like to touch it, to grip it in my hands, the way it felt when I twisted my fingers in it as I….no, I could _not_ think about this now. Just being in her presence was stirring up a bunch of intense memories and emotions, but I absolutely could not indulge in them; not with Kate sitting next to me the whole time. Kate, who was leaning into me, touching my knee lightly to draw me into the conversation; Kate, who was smiling a secret little smile up at me every few minutes. Fuck my life. I looked away from Bella and resolved to not look back. Or, at least, I would try not to.

 

Dinner arrived, thank God, and there was a considerable amount of external stuff to deal with, moving to the dining table and sorting out the order. I kept my eyes down and my attention focused on the tasks at hand. Alice chattered non-stop while we settled into chairs. She was a little manic, trying to avoid the elephant in the room that only some of us were aware of, but I was grateful for her distraction. She kept the conversation brisk and focused on the superficial. Chicago versus New York, my residency, Kate’s residency, her seminar earlier today …nothing that could remotely lead to danger.

 

Bella contributed almost nothing, and at a certain point, I couldn’t help but notice that Alice was studiously steering conversation away from her. Kate didn’t show much interest in Bella. She had sensed something when we first came in- she’d have had to be blind not to- and now she seemed happy to ignore her. But the two polite, impersonal questions she’d asked, where she lived and what she did for a living, had been answered by Bella with just a few words, and then Alice had jumped in and abruptly changed the subject. Kate didn’t seem to pick up on it, but seeing as how I was completely obsessed, I did. There was something they were purposely not talking about- the reason she was here.

 

Only once did Bella show any indication that she was even paying attention. Alice was still talking about our jobs at the hospital.

 

"And where are you headed next year, Kate?" Alice asked.

 

"Oh, I have another year of my residency still to go, so we'll be in the same place for another year."

 

"And after? Do you want to stay on at Lenox Hill, too?"

 

Kate laughed and laid a hand on my forearm, "Who wouldn't? But we can't all expect to be as fortunate as Edward. He's got a great mind for medicine. Edward's going to have an amazing career, just you wait."

 

"He was always the smart one," Jasper grinned, "It's nice to see the big shots appreciating it."

 

"He'd be brilliant no matter where he practiced," Kate added, "But the opportunities he'll have at Lenox Hill are incomparable."

 

"And those are the opportunities you want?"

 

Bella's voice was so soft and unfamiliar after her silence all evening that Kate almost kept talking right over her. My head snapped to Bella. She was leaning forward on her elbows, examining me closely. My pulse hammered as our eyes met for the first time since I'd walked in tonight. I forgot for a second that she'd asked a question that required an answer, but I needn't have worried, as Kate was more than happy to jump in and speak for me.

 

"Of course they are. It's what anybody would want," she said with a slight scoff. I felt my irritation flare up, bright and hot.

 

"Hmmm," Bella hummed softly, "but Edward's not 'everybody', is he?"

 

Kate leveled a hard look at her, but made no reply. Bella flushed as she seemed to remember herself. Her eyes dropped to the table, and she didn't speak again for the rest of dinner.

 

Eventually, I pulled myself together and tried to do my part, asking Jasper about his classes at the college. Jasper might not have any idea what was going on but the tension was hard to miss. And having been raised to be a polite Southern boy and to avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs, he played along and launched into long, entertaining tales about his students. It did a lot to make the tension at the table bearable. And, it provided me with a little cover to sneak looks at Bella. She glanced up now and then and laughed a little, but she mostly stayed quiet.

 

Dinner wound down and Alice suggested dessert. Without warning, Bella stood and finally said something.

 

“Let me get it Alice. You stay and talk to your friends.”

 

Alice looked up at her and some sort of silent communication passed between them. Bella wanted out of here. God, was it that awful for her to be in my presence? The way she said it even reinforced the line regarding our friendship, referring to me as Alice and Jasper’s friend, not hers.

 

“You sure?” Alice asked softy.

 

“Yeah, of course. Stay and talk. It’ll only take me a minute.”

 

“Thanks,” Alice said, with one more meaningful glance at her.

 

Bella threw one wan smile at the table, but not at me, and disappeared into the kitchen. I stared after her until Kate reached under the table and gripped my knee, almost hard. I stayed put for another few minutes, listening to Kate tell Alice about her seminar earlier today, but finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t give a shit how it looked or what the hell Kate would think. I needed a minute alone with her, even if I had no idea what I was going to say.

 

“Alice, is there a restroom on this floor?” I asked, standing quickly.

 

She looked up at me, mild alarm in her eyes, but she just smiled weakly and gestured over her shoulder. “Sure. Down the hall, next to the kitchen, just before you get to the door to the deck.”

 

I smiled and squeezed Kate’s shoulder a little before I left the room, grimly determined.

 

*0*0*

 

**_Bella_ **

 

_Just keep breathing…._

I gripped the edge of the counter hard as I hung my head down, eyes closed, dragging in deep breaths through my nose.

 

This hurt. Badly. I had no idea it would be so hard to watch him with someone else. After all, he wasn’t mine. He’d never been mine. I’d pretty much told him nothing could happen between us. I’d had my reasons, of course, but none of them had to do with not wanting him. And that was apparently the problem. Because I _still_ wanted him, so much I could scarcely think.

 

From the second he’d stepped into the living room, I knew I was in trouble. How was it possible that I’d forgotten how beautiful he was? I remembered what he looked like, of course. But with the passage of a few months, and with all I’d been through, the little details had grown hazy. That exact red-brown color of his hair; the way the corner of his mouth curled up just a little when he was trying to suppress a smile; that particular, dark, hooded look in his eyes when he looked at me; I’d forgotten all of it. Or maybe it was more accurate to say that I’d forgotten its effect on me. Because from the moment I’d laid eyes on him, my heart was pounding and my mind was in a fog.

 

And he was here with his girlfriend.

 

Kate was beautiful. She was also whip-smart and so confident. She seemed to own the room the instant she walked into it. I envied her, not just for her place at his side, but for her easy grace and the strength she projected. She made me feel hopelessly small and awkward without even trying.

 

It didn’t help that apparently, Edward had no idea that I would be here tonight, and he seemed completely thrown for a moment when he walked in. Kate noticed it, and so did Jasper, although I doubted either of them figured out exactly what there was to know. Or maybe Kate figured it out, because her manner to me was noticeably cool, which I suppose was understandable. He was her boyfriend. I’d probably be a little pissed if my boyfriend had that kind of reaction to another woman.   
  


Edward recovered well enough from that initial moment, but he stayed distracted and distant all night. He smiled absently at Kate, and answered all of Alice and Jasper’s questions, but it was obvious that his mind was elsewhere. I tried not to look at him, I really did. It was bad enough that he’d been ambushed by my unexpected presence. I didn’t need to make it worse by staring at him, or talking to him any more than absolutely necessary. But now and then, when the conversation seemed to have drawn off his attention, I couldn’t help but cast a surreptitious glance or two at him.

 

My memories were admittedly a little cloudy, but he seemed tired. There were little lines around his eyes that I didn’t remember, and dark smudges underneath. I wondered if it was just the tail-end of his residency taking its toll on him, or if there was something else troubling him. I hoped it wasn’t the Lenox Hill job making him look that way. I didn’t care what he said about it, I could tell he harbored more than a little ambivalence about it that he wasn’t acknowledging. It worried me. Kate didn’t look like the type to help him search his soul on that account. On the contrary, when she mentioned Edward’s upcoming transition to full-time staff at Lenox Hill, she was practically bursting with pride.

 

I almost groaned out loud in mortification at the memory of that moment. What the hell had I been thinking interjecting myself like that, as if I knew what Edward wanted better than she did? Ridiculous. Well, she'd set me straight fast enough. I suppose I'd had that coming. It still didn't dispel my anger at her.

 

Well, if he really was set on that course, then he couldn’t have picked better than Kate. She was perfect for him; just as smart and driven as him, filled with exactly the kind of ambition that one would need to thrive in that kind of high-pressured atmosphere. I could envision the two of them as some sort of brilliant doctor power-couple, both of them so smart and beautiful and successful. It made me feel ill even as I acknowledged how right the vision seemed.

 

Finally, when I couldn’t take staring at their perfect beauty for another minute, and when Alice brought up dessert, I'd jumped at the chance to escape. Alice’s eyes told me she knew what I was feeling, so she backed off quickly and gave me my chance to run away.

 

It was ridiculous to be this upset, I told myself. It was one night. Well, several intense days culminating in one _unbelievably_ intense night. And then we’d had that little lingering connection…whatever. He wasn’t mine. Now he was most decidedly someone else’s, and I needed to stop dwelling on this. After all, he’d stopped texting me. He’d moved on, obviously with Kate, and I couldn’t blame him for that. She was amazing, and he’d be stupid not to…

 

“Hey.”

 

I shrieked, then slammed my hands over my mouth to stifle the noise as I spun around to face Edward, who was standing uncertainly in the door of the kitchen. Letting go of my mouth, I pressed one hand to my chest in a futile attempt to calm my furiously racing heart.

 

“Uh…hey.”

 

Edward shifted from foot to foot, hands stuffed into his pockets, eyes flickering around the kitchen over my head. Then his gaze dropped back to me and he swallowed audibly. “How have you been?”

 

“Um…good. I’ve been good,” I lied, looking down at the floor. “How about you?”

 

“Good,” he said shortly. “I’ve been good, too.”

 

“Good. I’m glad,” I mumbled. Ugh…listen to us. This was awful. I needed to end this conversation immediately, even though I was reveling just a little in being alone in the same room with him for a minute, even under these wretched conditions. “Kate seems really nice,” I spit out, and then I winced at my boneheaded choice of conversational topics. I really, _really_ didn’t want to talk about Kate.

 

“Yeah, she’s um…great. Listen, Bella…” the tone of his voice shifted, grew more urgent. My head snapped up to look at him as he started striding purposefully into the room towards me. Instinctively, I stiffened and took a step back.

 

“Edward…” I started, but I couldn’t get anything else out.

 

“Can we just…”

 

“Edward?” He stopped short and swiveled to look at Kate, standing in the doorway. She was smiling pleasantly, but her eyes were tight and hard. Her gaze flickered to me and I nearly flinched. “I was just coming to see if Bella needed a hand.”

 

I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Um, thanks, but I’m good. I’m just getting the plates and I’ll be right out.”

 

Edward stood frozen in the middle of the kitchen, his body half-turned towards Kate, his head bowed. Finally he exhaled heavily and looked up, smiling at her.

 

“I was just talking to Bella. I haven’t seen her since the wedding.”

 

“Oh, sure,” Kate said smoothly, “Lots to catch up on, I’m sure. Are you coming?”

 

He waited a beat too long before answering her. “Yeah. Of course.”

 

He looked back at me for just a second, and his face was filled with some complex expression I couldn’t read for the life of me. Then he turned without another word and followed Kate out of the room.

 

I let out the breath I’d been holding nearly since he walked into the room, and dropped my head back. This was impossible. I needed to get out of this by any means necessary. Pulling myself together, I grabbed what we needed for dessert and headed back to the dining room. Alice hopped up as soon as she saw me, trying to catch my eyes.

 

“Here, Bella, let me get that,” she said, whisking the cheesecake out of my hands. Our eyes met, hers full of compassion and worry.  I had to look away before I started crying.

 

“Um, Alice, my headache is back and I’m really feeling done for,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead. It was a lie, but the tightness I felt across the front of my head told me that it would be the truth soon enough. “Would you mind if I skipped dessert?”

 

“Of course not!” Alice said, much too quickly. “Go lay down upstairs. I’ll peek in on you later.”

 

“Thanks. It was really nice to meet you, Kate. Sorry to skip out on the evening.”

 

She smiled coolly up at me. “No problem. Nice meeting you, too. Feel better.”

 

I smiled back tightly. Then I glanced to Edward. His eyes were fixed on me, so dark and intense that I nearly took a step back. Instead, I swallowed hard and schooled my face into normalcy. “Edward, it was nice seeing you again. Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

 

He nodded his head nearly imperceptibly. “Bella,” was all he said. We looked at each other for just a beat longer, and I wondered if it might be for the last time. After all, he was going back to New York and embarking on his new life with Kate. Odds were, we’d never cross paths again. The thought left me feeling unspeakably sad, but I just turned and headed up the stairs to the guest room.

 

I held it together until I was inside and the door had clicked softly behind me. Then I really fell apart. I did it quietly, keeping one hand over my mouth to stifle the sound. It was a big house, but noises still carried, and the only thing that would make this night any worse was if Edward and his girlfriend _heard_ me crying my eyes out upstairs. So I buried my face in the pillow and let it all out, soaking the pillowcase and exhausting myself before I finally slowed, then stopped.   
  


I heard their voices saying muffled goodbyes. I heard the low rumble of Edward’s voice, and Jasper’s answering chuckle. I heard Kate’s laugh ring out. I heard Alice’s little sing-song farewell. Then I heard the front door click closed and then I heard silence.

 

Ten minutes later, there was a tap at my door.

 

“Bella?” Alice poked her head in hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

 

I sat up and tried to smile, swiping at my wet face with the back of my hand. “Yeah, that just…um, threw me for a loop.”

 

“Oh, sweetie,” she murmured, coming to the bed and lowering herself down, wrapping her arms around me. Her sympathy weakened my resolve and in moments, I was crying again. Alice rocked me gently back and forth as I tried to get myself under control. “I had to fill Jasper in. He knew something was up. I hope that was okay.”

 

“It’s fine,” I murmured into her shoulder. “What did he say?”

 

Alice chuckled softly, “Well, he wants to kill Edward right now, but…”

 

My head snapped up. “No, Alice. It wasn’t…he didn’t seduce me or anything. I’m a big girl. I knew what I was doing.”

 

Alice reached up to swipe away a streak of tears from my face, “He knows that. He just doesn’t like seeing you hurt, and he knows tonight hurt you. He’s really sorry. He’d have never asked him over if he knew.”

 

“I’m okay. I really am. Seeing him was just a shock.”

 

“Can I say something?” she asked quietly.

 

“Sure. You can say anything to me, Ally. You know that.”

 

“Well, it just seems to me that there’s more going on here than some one-night stand. You seem pretty emotionally-invested. Maybe you should call him and talk?”

 

“Alice,” I pulled back to look at her. “Did you miss the gorgeous and accomplished girlfriend he had with him tonight? It’s too late. Yeah, there was a moment when I thought that maybe, if things had been different….” I shook my head hard to clear it. “But it doesn’t matter. The moment passed, and now he’s moved on. It’s done.”

 

“Just…”

 

“Alice,” I said slowly, in warning. “He’s met someone. I can’t mess with that. Besides, just look at me.”

 

Alice sat back from me and did just that, examining me from the top of my head down to my bare feet. “What about you?”

 

I sighed and dropped my hands into my lap. “Even if he were free, which he’s not, I have absolutely nothing to offer someone right now. I’m like a piece of driftwood, just washed up on your doorstep with nothing to my name.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Look, you. Just because you’re going through a bit of a rough patch…” I couldn’t hold back my snort of laughter, but Alice bulldozed right past it, “ _Just_ because you’re in a bit of a downward dip, does not mean you have nothing to offer. I don’t ever want to hear you talk like that about yourself. You’re my favorite person in the world, and if you bad-mouth my favorite person, I might have to cut you. Just sayin’.”

 

I laughed and it felt good, like something let go inside of me. I felt a little bit lighter. The night had been absolutely awful, but now that the bad part was past, I was feeling oddly more alert and alive than I had since I left Seattle. Like I’d just needed a nudge to wake me back up, even if the nudge had to come in the terrible form of Edward and his girlfriend.

 

“God, Ally. There’s just such a lot to do to get myself back to where I need to be, you know?”

 

“Forget where you were,” she said with an absent wave of her hand, “Where you were sucked. Start all over. Blank slate. Whole new life.”

 

I leaned back against the headboard, letting her words sink in. A whole new life. She was right. Why was I still focusing on what I had lost? I’d hated that life when I’d had it, and I certainly didn't want any part of it back. I needed to focus on what I was going to do with this new start. I was tired of hiding out and trying not to feel anything. Feelings had a way of worming their way in, despite my best efforts. Tonight was clear proof of that.

 

“You’re so right, Ally. Thank you so much for letting me hide here for so long, but it’s time for me to stop hiding. I need to start…I don’t know…figuring things out. Putting myself back together. And I’m starting with Angela. I can’t believe I’ve been here for so long and I haven’t seen her yet.”

 

“She understands, believe me. Everybody just wanted to give you some space.”

 

“No, it was great. But I’m done now. I need to see her. Everybody. Rose, Jessica. They were so nice to ask about me.”

 

“They’re just worried, B,” Alice said softly, touching the back of my hand. Then she inhaled and sat up sharply. “Okay then, if you’re back in the saddle, why don’t we all get together?”

 

“Here?”

 

“No, you’ve spent too much time in this house. You need to get out. I’ll call them and we’ll all have lunch tomorrow. Like the bachelorette party, Part Two.”

 

“I don’t think any of us could handle a sequel to your bachelorette party, Ally.”

 

“Oh, we’ll keep it civilized. Very ladies-who-lunch. Maybe I'll even wear little white gloves. What do you say?”

 

“It sounds good. Fun. I can’t wait.”

 

And the funny thing was, I really couldn’t wait. I’d lost a lot, materially and emotionally. Starting my life again from square one was daunting and a little overwhelming; I couldn’t be blamed for hiding from that for a little bit. But tonight…the emotional shock of seeing Edward again seemed to have given me the kickstart I’d been needing. It was time to start over. 


	17. Right Where You Fell

**_Bella_ **

 

“So, Bella,” Rose said, leaning back on the smooth red leather banquette, the corner of her mouth twitching up a tiny bit, “what brings you back to Chicago so soon?”

 

She was teasing me; I knew full well that Alice had probably already told them all some version of the events that landed me here. But it was time for me to tell the tale myself. I’d been able to successfully avoid it for the first twenty minutes we’d been at the restaurant. First there were the usual hugs and kisses as each woman arrived. Angela had been there when we got there. Rose had arrived just moments after us. Jessica showed up ten minutes late and completely flustered.

 

Then we’d ordered drinks and lunch. After a few minutes of small talk about how difficult it was to park in this neighborhood, and how everybody was ready for winter to just be over already, the waiter returned with our drinks.

 

Now there was nothing to put it off anymore, so after a steeling gulp of my bloody Mary, I told them the tale. I tried to keep it as dispassionate as possible; the last thing I wanted to do was to burst out crying here, although I didn’t really feel like that would happen anymore. The passage of a little time had given me enough distance. But just the same, I didn’t want to wallow in what had happened.

 

Rose leaned forward on her elbows and asked a few questions about Jay’s symptoms and behavior, but otherwise, everybody just sat back and listened. Finally, I’d told them about all of it, including my first zombie-like weeks in Chicago, right up until, but not including, that awful dinner with Edward and Kate the night before. Right now, only Alice, and now Jasper, knew the back story. Considering that he now had a girlfriend, I figured it should probably stay that way.

 

When I finished, Angela laid her hand on my forearm. “I’m so sorry, Bella. For you, but also for Jay.”

 

I nodded tightly. “I know. I feel awful about him. I just…”

 

Alice furrowed her brow and asked, “What?” She and I hadn’t really talked about him in depth while I’d been in Chicago. It struck me as curious that I’d finally opened up and shared in this group instead of one-on-one with her, but I also felt comfortable. I hadn’t known Rose and Jessica very long at all, but this little gathering felt safe and secure, and I knew I could speak freely.

 

“I just left him, Ally. I know I needed to go, but now he’s alone there. I have no idea what’s even happened to him. I just feel guilty for abandoning him like that.”

 

Alice sighed and tipped her head to the side. “Bella, if I hadn’t made you leave, you would have just stayed there, taking care of him, until it burned you up. That’s what you do.”

 

“What do you mean, 'that’s what I do'?”

 

“Taking care of people. It’s what you do. Always,” she said succinctly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

“I don’t _always_ …”

 

“Charlie," she said shortly, cutting me off. "You dropped out of college to take care of him. I get it; he was your dad. But not everyone would have done that, B.”

 

“You did it for me at the wedding,” Rose said suddenly. I turned to look at her. She had one eyebrow cocked. “You know…the moment of inappropriate sharing, and all.”

 

I smiled and so did she.

 

“And me at the reception,” Jessica piped up.

 

"Well, you were kind of a mess, Jessica. Somebody had to..."

 

"Yeah, _somebody_. It doesn't always have to be you. Not that I'm not grateful," she added hastily, "although you did nearly cock-block Mike. Thank God the guy is persistent, in addition to the epic endurance and..."

 

"Oh my God! Stop!" Alice shrieked, clamping her hands over her ears dramatically. "He's my family now. I do _not_ need that in my head every Christmas morning at the Hales!"

 

Jessica snorted in laughter, not looking the least bit apologetic. On the contrary, she looked rather pleased with herself.

 

"Alice kind of has a point," Angela said at my side, "You have always taken care of people. Remember how you'd be with some of those young writers who submitted to _New Moon_? If you felt they had potential, you'd spend so much time with them, re-reading drafts and giving them feedback."

 

"But some of them just needed a little guidance..."

 

"And most people would have sent out a rejection letter and left them to find guidance on their own," Angela said gently.  
  


“See?” Alice said. “You take care of people. It's not a bad thing, B. It’s _brilliant_. It’s what makes you so great. But in this case, Jay would have just eaten you up. You couldn’t stay there and sacrifice yourself for him. Certainly not when you didn’t even…I mean, after what you told me.” Alice stammered to an awkward stop, clearly not sure how much she was allowed to share.

 

Rose, however, had no such inhibitions, “You mean, since she was about to dump the guy anyway?”

 

I snapped my head up to look at her and she just shrugged. “What? It’s true. You told me so yourself at the wedding.”

 

“Oh, Bella,” Angela sighed, “I had no idea things were so bad. Alice is right. You couldn’t stay if you didn’t love him anymore.”

 

I nodded and swallowed against my burning eyes. “I know. But what happens to him now?”

 

“You can’t dwell on that. You’ve got your own problems to deal with,” Alice said, leaning into me. "It's time for you to focus on taking care of yourself for a while."

 

I gave a short, humorless laugh. “Yeah. I guess I _do_ have plenty of my own problems to deal with, huh?”

 

“So, just focus on that for now,” Jessica shrugged. “You just need to move forward, girl. You need to get your mojo back! Get your groove on! Work it out!”

 

I laughed, just at the idea of “mojo” fixing anything, but I appreciated Jessica’s enthusiasm.

 

“I know I have a lot of decisions to make. It’s just a little overwhelming, knowing where to start.”

 

“So?” Rose challenged. “Start with making just one. Where are you going to live?”

 

“Well,” Alice said, “she’s staying with me right now. She doesn’t need to worry about that.”

 

“No, I meant where will this new life of yours be taking place?” Rose continued, leaning forward on the table again, fixing me with a fierce stare. “Are you going back to Seattle?”

 

I thought about that for a moment. It only took that moment to know what the answer was. “No. There’s nothing for me there anymore. Not Jay. Only my job, which I hate. So, no. I’m not going back to Seattle.” I sat back in my seat for a minute, eyes fixed on the edge of the table. “I’m staying here.”

 

“Here?” Alice’s voice was high and giddy next to me.

 

I smiled. “Yes, here. I’m starting all over, right? At this point, with all of you here, I have more reasons to stay in Chicago than to go anywhere else. So, yes. I’m moving to Chicago. Well, I'm here, so I guess I've already moved. Now it's official."

 

Alice bounced slightly in her seat, hands clasped in front of her. For all her sleek sophistication, the giddy little girl was only ever just below the surface with Alice. She reached out and grasped my arm with both hands. “Oh, B, you’re not going to be sorry. You’re going to _love_ it here! And we’ll be close to each other again! Oh, my God!”

 

Her voice pitched up and got all pinched and tiny the way it did when she was fighting back tears.

 

“Ease up, Tiny, or you’re going to scare the girl out of town before she’s even unpacked her bags!” Rose laughed.

 

“Alice is right, Bella,” Angela said. “Chicago is great. You’ll love it.”

 

I smiled, feeling really good about this decision. “I’m sure I will.”

 

The waiter showed up then with lunch and Alice and Jessica launched into an intense verbal tennis match across the table, rattling off all the places I had to see, the stores I had to shop in, the bars I had to visit. I was happy to sit back and listen as I picked apart my salad. The excited chatter around me made me feel relaxed and happier than I had been in months.

 

Chicago. I lived in Chicago now- with these people. This was good. _Really_ good.

 

“Before you two give me a six-page itinerary,” I interrupted Alice and Jess, “first things first. I need to find a place to live.”

 

“You’re staying with Alice,” Jessica said.

 

I rolled my eyes. “I can’t camp out in her spare room forever. I need to settle someplace. A place of my own.”

 

A place of my own. I liked that idea…a _lot_.

 

Alice cleared her throat and I felt her shift in her seat. “Yeah, about that.” I looked at her expectantly. “I sort of have a thought about that.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“There’s this room over the garage out back. You probably didn’t even notice it. One of the previous owners added the floor years ago and it’s basically just been sitting there. When we bought the house, Jasper wanted to make it into a library, but after the first winter, he realized that there was no way he was trudging outside just to get a book so we made over the basement instead.  Right now we just have stuff stored up there.”

 

“Oh, that sounds perfect!” Angela said.

 

Alice held up a warning hand. “Don’t get too excited. It’s not even finished. And it’s super-tiny. You should see it, B, before you say anything.”

 

I wanted to. I wanted to go right now and look. I couldn’t believe there was a second floor to Alice’s garage and I’d never even noticed. Then again, it was still winter and we hadn’t even ventured into the backyard since I’d been there.

 

“So?” Angela said, “Let’s go look. After lunch.”

 

“Yes, can we?,” I asked. “Is that okay, Alice?”

 

She smiled. “Sure, just don’t get your hopes up. It really might not be worth it to you.”

 

“Alice, I’m homeless. How on earth could it not be worth it?”

 

The rest of lunch was relaxed and fun. All my dreary confessions were finished, so we moved on to Jessica, who regaled us with graphic stories about the three different men she was dating. I asked her about Mike and she said that although he’d called many times since the wedding and they talked frequently, she was content to keep him at arms’ length, since he lived in Atlanta. I wanted to ask Rose about Emmett, too, but somehow I sensed that she wouldn’t be as forthcoming to the group as I had been, so I resolved to wait until I got her alone.

 

Rose decided to tag along with Angela, Alice and I to go look at the apartment, although Alice kept refusing to let us actually call it that. Jessica begged off, as she had plans with one of the three men she was juggling.

 

It took Alice thirty minutes to track down the key. She kept apologizing in advance, and telling us all the ways in which it could never work, as she dug through drawers in the kitchen for the key. Finally, Rose snapped at her to just shut up and show it to us. We made our way out of the glass doors in the kitchen that led to the deck. The patio furniture was all still covered, awaiting warmer weather. There were three wooden steps that led down to the bare, brown backyard. Stepping stones made a winding path through the small space to the little brick building that marked the back of their property. There was an alley that ran behind the houses, providing access to the garages that lined it.

 

The building was small; the footprint was maybe five hundred square feet. Now that I looked, I could see that the second floor was added later. The bricks were different, and all the other garages down the block were a single story. There was a set of homemade wooden steps hugging the side of the building, leading up to a tiny landing and a door to the second floor. We followed Alice up single file and waited on the steps as she struggled with the keys and muttered a stream of excuses under her breath.

 

Finally, she got the door open and we piled in behind her. There were stacks of boxes piled in the middle of the room, along with a few odd pieces of furniture placed haphazardly among them. A small room had been built out into the space just to the left of the door. It was dark inside, but I could just make out bathroom fixtures inside. The door we'd entered through was in the middle of one of the shorter walls; the longer walls were almost solid windows from one end of the building to the other.

 

"The owner that added the floor meant for it to be an art studio for his wife. That's why all the windows," Alice explained as the four of us moved into the room and fanned out to explore.

 

The short wall opposite the entrance was lined with a counter and cabinets above. There was a small stove built into the counter and a space on the end where the refrigerator would be, but there wasn't one there. The cabinets were all missing their doors.

 

Alice came to stand next to me in the middle of the room. “Then the next owner had this idea to convert it into an apartment for the rental income. He started the work but never finished. So you see what I’m saying. It’s hardly even an apartment. I don’t know what I was thinking, Bella. You can’t stay here. It’s not even…”

 

“It’s perfect,” I cut her off. And I meant it. This place was absolutely perfect for me, even in this skeletal state.

 

“But it’s…”

 

“Alice, I love it. It’s perfect. I can make it work.”

 

She looked at me hard. “You’re not doing the work yourself. Besides, you couldn’t even do all the stuff that needs to get done. I need to get a carpenter in here to deal with those cabinets and…”

 

“Ben could do that.” This time it was Angela who cut her off. “His dad builds houses. Ben used to work with him in the summer. He’s great at this stuff.”

 

“I couldn’t ask him to do this,” Alice protested.

 

Angela waved him off, “He’d be happy to, especially if it’s for Bella. We could do it next weekend.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Of course. Come on. I’ll call him and then you guys can talk through the details.” Alice was still protesting as Angela dragged her out of the apartment and down the stairs. Rose swiveled on her heel to look at me.

 

“See? All coming together. I’ll admit, it needs work, but it has a certain charm.”

 

I raked my hair off my face, smiling as I looked around me. I couldn’t wait to get started. My mind was busy prioritizing the list of what needed to be done when Rose spoke again.   
  


“Are you going to do something about that?"

 

I looked to see what part of the room she was pointing at, but she was indicating me, my head.

 

“What?”

 

“Your forehead. The scar. You can’t see it when your hair is down, but when you pull your hair back like that, it shows.”

 

My fingers instinctively went to the pink line at the edge of my hair. I hadn’t really given it much thought. Rose was right. I wasn’t sure I wanted people seeing it just yet. They might ask questions that I’d just as soon not answer.

 

"You're right. The last thing I want right now is to have to tell the story over and over," I said, rubbing my fingers across it absently.

 

“Bangs,” Rose said shortly.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You need bangs. Not short ones. Nice, long ones, brushed to the side. It’ll cover it up. Plus they’d look great with your face. I’m calling Jane.” Rose was already fishing her Blackberry out of her shoulder bag.

  
“Who’s Jane?”

 

“My stylist. She’s amazing,” Rose said. I started to protest, but Rose held up her finger to silence me as someone answered her call. “Demetri? It’s Rosalie Hale. I need Jane. Tomorrow….Yes, I know it’s your busiest day, but I’m your best customer….this is a special favor….she’ll do it for me, trust me….four? Great! I owe you, sweets!”

 

She ended the call and turned to me with a triumphant smile.

 

“Rose, you didn’t need to do that for me!”

 

Rose waved a hand to dismiss me. “Bella, I just got you set up with one of the best stylists in Chicago. You’re new to town. I could have let you suffer through a year of bad haircuts before I passed on this treasured piece of information. Instead, you’re starting at the top. Just be grateful, and be ready tomorrow at 3:30. I’ll pick you up.”

 

“You’re coming, too?”

 

She shrugged, and for the first time, she looked ever so slightly unsure of herself. “Do you not want me to?” I remembered what she had told me once; that she didn’t really have female friends, and I understood her sudden flash of insecurity.

 

“Of course I do!” I said quickly. “You have to come. I won’t even know what to tell her to do.”

 

Rose’s shoulders relaxed and she smiled. “No worries. You’re in good hands. Hers, and mine.”

 

We smiled at each other for a moment, and then I cleared my throat and asked the question I had been dying to know the answer to since I met Rose. Pointing at her glorious gold hair, I said, “So…that color? Real or not?”

 

 

*0*0*

 

Jane worked magic. That was the only conclusion I could come to after she spent less than an hour with me and seemed to actually touch the scissors to my hair only half a dozen times, and yet I was left with hair more beautiful than it had been at any point in my life. It was still mine. Still long, still dark brown. But now it seemed to move of its own accord, all bouncy, sensuous and alive. And Rose was right. The bangs? Genius. Just a subtle sweep of long hair across my forehead, completely hiding my scar but not looking at all obvious. And they made my eyes and cheekbones pop out of my face. The overall effect was remarkable.

 

Rose insisted that we take my new haircut out for a drink afterwards, which is how we wound up at a chic Asian-fusion restaurant and bar in what I now knew to call The Loop. As soon as we were settled in a booth with our drinks, Rose produced a street map from her bag and pushed it across the table towards me. She opened it up flat and proceeded to give me a crash course in the layout of Chicago, pointing out all the various neighborhoods, and filling in with asides about what was fun to do there, or where to find the best Tex-Mex or sushi.

 

We were well into our conversation when the server approached our table with new drinks.

 

“We’re still good, thanks,” Rose dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

 

“Uh…they’re from the gentlemen at the bar,” our server mumbled, flinging a careless hand over his shoulder.

 

Rose leaned back and leveled her hard stare at the bar, and I turned to look as well. Sure enough, two smarmy-looking men in suits were raising their glasses and smiling at us in a silent toast. They reminded me of the guys that tried to dance with us at Alice’s bachelorette party.

 

“Please tell the gentlemen thank you, but we’re not interested. We’re married. To each other.”

 

The server gave her a bored, unamused look, then he wordlessly retreated with the unwanted drinks, depositing them, along with the message, on the bar in front of the men. I didn’t watch long enough to see their reaction.

 

Rose snorted, “ _Really.”_

“Does that happen to you a lot?” I asked her.

 

She shrugged dismissively. “Enough. It should be happening to you, too. You’re hot. You know that, right?”

 

“Me?”

 

“Don’t give me the freaking Bambi eyes. Yes, you.”

 

I stuttered for a minute, not sure what to say to that. I was attractive enough, I supposed, but nothing extraordinary. “That stuff doesn’t happen to me. Well, I guess I don’t really go out, and you have to go out for that stuff to happen.”

 

Rose shook her head at me disapprovingly. “You have done such a number on yourself. Thank God you’re here. You really do need a whole new life.”

 

“I need a new life because my old one fell spectacularly apart,” I pointed out.

 

“Bullshit. You needed a whole new life way before all that stuff happened, and you know it.”

 

Rose was so blunt. There was nothing in her delivery to soften the blow of her brutal pronouncements, except maybe the lingering hint of her Southern accent. Still, I couldn’t help but appreciate it, even if what she said was hard to hear. Everybody else was so careful around me. Rose just let me have the hard truth with both barrels. And sometimes, that’s just what a person needed.

 

I sighed and wrapped a strand of my newly-swishy hair around my finger, enjoying the feel of it under my hands. “You’re right. I know that.”

 

“Of course I am. _I_ know that. You’re off to a good start. You have a place to live, a great haircut, and some excellent friends, if I do say so myself.”

 

I laughed. “A most excellent start. But I’m tired of talking about my stuff. What about you?”

 

She just cocked an eyebrow in question.

 

“Emmett?” I prodded. “What’s the deal there? Anything new?”

 

For just an instant, her tough shell cracked like glass, and I caught a glimpse of the hurt woman underneath. Then she frosted over and straightened in her seat. “Whatever. I told him at the wedding to leave me alone. For good this time.”

 

“Has he?”

 

She fished her Blackberry out of her bag and pressed a few buttons before handing it across to me.

 

“These are just from this weekend,” she said dispassionately.

 

I scrolled through the list of texts, only glimpsing the words.

 

_Rosie….pick up.-EM_

_Just talk to me already.-EM_

_I miss you.-EM_

_How long do you think you can hold out?-EM_

_Really? You’re just NEVER going to speak to me again?-EM_

_Rose, please.-EM_

_Just answer your damned phone.-EM_

“He does this all day?”

 

She shrugged and looked at her fingers, where she was methodically shredding a cocktail napkin. “Sometimes, he’ll have meetings and will lay off for a while. You know, his _job_. The one he can’t bear to give up. The one that requires him to live out of a suitcase. And he sleeps. But yeah, otherwise, he’s pestering me.”

 

“Jesus, Rose. Don’t you think…Well, maybe you should see what he’s got to say.”

 

She inhaled sharply and squared her shoulders. Tough Rose was back, the take-no-prisoners woman who went toe-to-toe with the testosterone-riddled Wall Street traders and held her own. “We’ve talked plenty. For _years_. He’s never going to change, and I’m not willing to compromise on this one. I need to move on.”

 

I wanted to reach out and hold her hand, but she seemed so fierce at the moment that I was a little afraid to. “ _Have_ you moved on?”

 

Another shrug. “There’s a guy. Nothing serious. He’s kind of boring. Just too damned polite…But I have to start somewhere. Sometimes he distracts me.”

 

I wasn’t sure what to say. She seemed so certain about her choice to cut him off, but at the same time, it seemed to be killing her to do it. Most certainly it was killing Emmett. “Take care of yourself, Rose.”

 

She met my eyes finally. Hers were hard and flat. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

 

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Edward_ **

****

My mother had done an amazing job with Harold’s party, as usual. It was in a private banquet hall in a downtown hotel; understated, elegant and tasteful. The hotel setting, all the party trappings, Chicago…it reminded me of Alice’s wedding, and my chest tightened uncomfortably. Especially knowing that Bella was, at this very moment, in Chicago, just a short distance away in Wicker Park. And my _girlfriend_ , Kate, was across the room chatting with Harold and Susan. How the hell did things end up like this?

 

It made me morose, and I was drinking too much because of it. I needed to cool it. It would be really shitty of me to get wasted at Harold’s retirement party. And really, I had way too much respect for the man to do that to him.

 

I looked across the room at Harold and Susan again. I’d known them almost my whole life. For as long as I could remember, my dad’s career was all tied up in Harold’s. When I visited my dad at his office, Harold was there, too. It was hard to imagine the practice without him. And it was even harder to imagine another doctor, some stranger, in partnership with my dad. But it was bound to happen, as soon as he settled on someone he liked.

 

Frowning at the thought, I threw back the rest of my champagne and snagged another one off a tray as a server glided by. Kate was still chatting with Susan. I watched as Susan laughed while relating a story, and absently reaching out to touch Harold’s arm to draw him into the memory with her. It was an unconscious movement- the same kind my parents made all the time. They instinctively turned to each other in every situation, touching without realizing it. I envied the closeness, even more so now that I was certain that I would never experience it with Kate. She was a dead end, without a doubt.

 

A face… _her_ face, flashed in my mind, and I growled in irritation. Yes, her circumstances seemed to have changed. She was visiting Chicago alone. But even though that was the case, I hadn’t heard a word from her since Valentine’s Day. I’d laid myself on the line that day and asked her what she wanted. And she’d answered me with dead silence. So, whatever. I thought there had been something there for her, too. I was wrong. She didn’t want me. Or, at least, not enough. I just wished to hell I could stop wanting her.

 

“You alright, Edward?”

 

I started and looked up to find my father at my elbow, a crease between his eyebrows as he examined me. I forced a smile and shrugged.

 

“Yeah, fine. Just getting overly philosophical. I’ll miss Harold and Susan. It’s hard to imagine the practice without him.”

 

“For me, too. But I’ll figure it out. I’m glad he’s doing this, though. Life is short. He and Susan want to do a lot more living while they can.”

 

I nodded in agreement, watching the two of them, still a little aglow in each others’ presence, even after thirty-five years of marriage and two grown children. Dad followed my gaze and smiled.

 

“Edward…” he started, but then paused. I knew all his tones of voice though, and there was something big he wanted to say. When he stayed silent, I prompted him.

 

“What, Dad?”

 

“Just…like I said, life is short, even when you're young, like you. Never forget that when you’re making the big decisions you’re faced with.”

 

I just looked at him for a minute, trying to figure out what he was getting at. Was he trying to talk to me about Kate, albeit in a slightly less direct way than mom had? Or was this about more than that? When I didn’t immediately respond, he laughed softly and shook his head. “Ignore me, Edward. Harold’s retirement is causing me to make grand, maudlin pronouncements. That, plus too much champagne. But don’t tell your mother that part. You know how proud we are of you, no matter what you do with yourself.”

 

“I know that, Dad.” Because I did. I knew they were proud. I just wished I was, too.

 

*0*0*

 

 

“Just set the bag down there, Edward,” Kate said, pointing to the floor right inside her tiny living room. The cab had just dropped us outside her building and I used the excuse of bringing her bag upstairs for her to get a minute alone. I set the bag down and rubbed my palms down my thighs in anxiety. I really, _really_ hated doing what I had to do now.

 

“You know, you really didn’t have to bring it up for me,” Kate said, kicking her shoes off and crossing the room to stand in front of me, smiling. “But I’m glad you did. Can I get you a drink? A beer or something? We could hang out for a while.”

 

“Thanks, but no,” I mumbled, then I swallowed hard. Whatever she saw in my face in that moment made her stiffen and take a step back, although she stayed quiet. “I came up because we need to talk, Kate.”

 

Then, much to my surprise, she laughed. There was no joy in it, though. It was a hard, bitter sound. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s her, isn’t it? Bella?”

 

I took a startled step back. “What? What are you talking about?”

 

“This,” she said, waving a hand between us, “You’re dumping me and it’s because of her, right?”

 

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to focus. “I haven’t seen her since December, Kate. There’s nothing going on between me and Bella.”

 

“But that doesn’t mean it’s not about her,” she said. “Edward, I saw your face when you saw her. You can’t hide your emotions _that_ well.”

 

I sighed heavily, because if I denied this, then I would be a lying bastard. And even if it wasn't directly the reason, I'd be breaking things off anyway.

 

"I'm sorry, Kate. I really am. You're an amazing woman, I just..."

 

"It's not happening for you, right?"

 

I shook my head, "No, it's not."

 

"I guess I kind of knew that when you didn't once try to do more than kiss me in a month."

 

"I feel terrible about this. You're fantastic, Kate. It's not you, it's...."

 

"Stop!" she threw up a hand to stop me and laughed ruefully, "Don't say it! Don't say 'It's not you, it's me'. It's okay, Edward. I get it. I really like you, and I really wanted this. But I guess it’s just not meant to be, right?"

 

“I guess not.”

 

Kate reached out to lay a hand on my chest and fixed me with her bright, steady gaze. “I could have made you happy, Edward,” she said quietly. “I would have made sure of it.”

 

All I could do was look away in discomfort, because she never could have and I knew it. But anything I said now would just make this worse, so I kept my mouth shut.

 

"Will you be okay?" I asked at length.

 

She scoffed, "Me? I'll be fine. I’m tough. It's you I'm a little worried about, Edward. Just....take care of yourself, okay?"

 

Why was everyone saying that to me these days?

 

After that, I stayed just long enough to give Kate an awkward hug goodbye and wish her well, and then I was outside on the sidewalk again. It had gone better than I thought it would. When I made up my mind, back in Chicago, to break things off with Kate, I’d imagined I’d feel some huge sense of relief once I’d actually done it- that I’d feel lighter, freer. But I didn’t. I only felt depressed and a little lonely; exactly like I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Exactly like I had before I ever asked her out. Dating Kate hadn’t made any of it go away, and apparently, breaking up with her  didn’t make it stop either. I was starting to wonder if anything ever would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. A Crossroads With Myself

 

 

****

**_Bella_ **

****

****

“Jasper, no. You can’t leave it there.”

 

“Alice, where would you suggest I leave it?”

 

“Just…not right there.”

 

“Just tell me where! It’s getting heavy!”

 

Alice huffed in exasperation before pointing Jasper, and the end table he carried, to the corner next to the front door where my new bed was stashed. My tiny apartment was filled to the brim with people and activity. Rose and I were going through the boxes Alice and Jasper had stashed there when they moved in, trying to determine where they should each get moved. Angela had taken over the tiny little closet of a bathroom and was inspecting the faucets in the shower stall, because somehow, she knew a little something about plumbing. I had no idea how I’d gotten through so many years of friendship with her and never known that. Ben was taking measurements of the cabinets in preparation for his run to Home Depot. Jasper was dragging in a few odds and ends of furniture that Alice insisted they had no room for. Alice was supervising.

 

I’d been working in the apartment for the past week, and although there was still a lot to be done, it was already looking so much better. I’d started with just the basics, just to get myself set up. The bed had been delivered on Thursday, and was now nestled into the “bedroom corner” of the space. It didn’t have a headboard or anything, but I’d stretched out on it a few times when I took a break and it was really comfortable. The refrigerator had been delivered yesterday and the electrician had been in to check over the wiring. In my mind, that meant I was good to go. But Alice refused to let me officially move in until after today, when Ben was doing the cabinet doors and, in theory, Jasper was moving in the red couch from their library. I had no idea how we were going to manage that.

 

“Bella, do you want the table on this side of the bed, or that?” Alice called.

 

I crossed to her to think about it. Space was so limited that you had to carefully consider the placement of every item you brought in, no matter how small. Alice constantly apologized for how cramped and shabby it was, but she just didn’t understand how excited I was. Yes, it was small and rough around the edges, but it was _all mine_. I’d never in my life lived alone, and the prospect had me both nervous and ridiculously excited Even though I was twenty-six years old, moving into this little garage apartment felt, in a weird way, like the first really adult thing I’d ever done.

 

We discussed the pros and cons of the various table-placement options while Jasper looked on in bored detachment, until a booming voice from outside rang through the open front door.

 

“Hello? Anybody out here? Where are you guys?”

 

Involuntarily, my eyes shot to Rose. It was Emmett.

 

Rose stood stock-still in the middle of the room, her hands hovering over an open box she’d been sorting through, her eyes fixed on the door, her face absolutely frozen. She showed no emotion in her expression, but I recognized that haunted look in her eyes from the morning after the bachelorette party.

 

Without thinking, I moved towards the door, hoping to head him off before he got inside. My motion seemed to snap Alice and Jasper out if their moment of panic. Jasper made it to the door and out onto the landing before I did, and Alice crossed to stand next to Rose. I wasn’t sure how much Rose had told them about herself and Emmett, but they knew the two of them were at odds and that this was bound to be difficult for everyone.

 

“Hey, man, what the hell are you doing here?” Jasper called down the stairs jovially. Emmett was striding through the backyard, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket.

 

Emmett chuckled and lifted a hand in greeting. Then his eyes flickered to me at Jasper’s side and his eyebrows shot up.

 

“Uh…the job brought me to town unexpectedly. I called, but you didn’t answer, so I just came by.”

 

“Oh,” Jasper smacked a hand to his forehead. “My phone’s in the house somewhere and we’ve been out here all morning getting Bella’s place ready.”

 

“Bella’s place?” Emmett said, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

 

“Hi, Emmett,” I finally said, “Nice to see you again.”

 

“Nice to see you, too, but what are you…are you _moving_ here?”

 

Jasper chuckled awkwardly at my side. “Yeah, it’s been a busy month. Bella’s moving to Chicago.” Then he turned to me, eyebrows raised. “You’ve already moved, I guess. We’re just getting you settled in.”

 

“But…what…” Emmett stammered, looked closely at me, then he just shrugged and smiled. “Well, welcome to Chicago, Bella. So what’s up there?” he pointed to the second floor.

 

“My new place,” I said. “We’re just getting it set up.”

 

“I’m glad you’re here, Em. There’s a couch that needs moving, and you’re just the sucker to help me do it,” Jasper smiled down at Emmett.

 

“Fuck you, man,” Emmett said, but he was grinning his infectious grin. “Well, Bella, show me this new place of yours.”

 

I glanced quickly at Jasper, but there was no helping it. We were standing in the only door to the apartment. Rose was still in there, and I couldn’t shield her from seeing him. It all reminded me strangely of that horrible, awkward night with Edward over a week ago and I felt it acutely for Rose.

 

“Sure! Of course. Come on up.”

 

I backed into the apartment and glanced to Rose. She hadn’t moved from behind her barricade of boxes. Jasper was chatting with Emmett as he climbed the stairs, his voice easy and casual, but I thought I could sense his tension.

 

Emmett came in just after Jasper and everything fell instantly silent. Emmett looked at Rose. Rose looked at Emmett. Everybody else looked at the two of them.

 

Emmett cleared his throat. “Rose,” he said quietly. “Good to see you.”

 

“You, too,” she murmured.

 

“Emmett!” Alice sang out, too loud and high, rushing to his side. “What a fantastic surprise!”

  
Alice’s greeting might have felt forced, but it served to break the tension. Ben came forward to shake Emmett’s hand in greeting, and Angela emerged from the bathroom to say hello.

 

Alice and I spent a few minutes telling Emmett about the apartment and the work we were doing. Rose stayed quiet, busy with her boxes.

 

When she finally spoke, everyone in the room jumped in surprise. “Alice, there’s a bunch here that belong in that storage closet under the stairs, so I’m going to start moving them in there.”

 

“Oh...sure. Of course. Thanks, Rose.”

 

Rose hefted a box, brushing past us and out the door, and clattering down the steps. Emmett watched her go, his chin tucked into his chest, his face troubled.

 

I couldn’t help it. I reached out and laid a hand on his arm. He looked to me. “Should I…?” He motioned to the door, indicating Rose’s escape.

 

“Um…I don’t think so, Emmett. At least, not right now.”

 

He nodded slowly, reluctantly.

 

“Hey, man,” Jasper clapped a hand on Emmett’s shoulder, friendly, but also a little comforting. “I wasn’t kidding about that couch. Come on.”

 

Emmett forced a smile and followed Jasper back out and down the stairs. Alice and I simultaneously exhaled in relief.

 

“I swear to _God_ , between you and Rose, the drama is going to give me premature wrinkles. And then I’ll have to kill you for wrecking this beautiful face."

 

“I’m so sorry, Ally.”

 

She waved me off in irritation. “You know I’m kidding. I’m just worried about Rose. This seems so hard for her. For both of them.”

 

I nodded in sad agreement. Yes, it did.

 

Rose holed up in the house for the rest of the day, organizing Alice’s storage spaces to make room for the stuff from the apartment. Jasper kept Emmett busy helping him move things, which distracted him and kept him from tracking Rose down. Then Emmett got curious about what Ben was up to, and before we knew it, the two of them were deep in consultation about carpentry, materials and tools.

 

I crossed to them and peered over Ben's shoulder at whatever he and Emmett were scribbling.

 

"The shadow box thing wouldn't fully sceen the bed when you come in through the door. A solid-backed bookcase would."

 

"Yeah, but the space is too small to break it up with anything as solid as that. The shadow box would let the light through. I’m telling you, solid-back shelves to three feet and then shadow boxes to the ceiling. That’s the way to go," Emmett countered.

 

"What are you guys talking about?"

 

"The partial wall we're going to build there," Emmett said absently, pointing towards the far wall, to the left of the front door.

 

"Huh? Since when did that become the plan?"

 

Ben shrugged sheepishly, "It would help to separate your bedroom space nicely."

 

"But I can't ask you to do that. You're already doing the cabinets."

 

"Turns out Emmett here knows his way around power tools. That will cut down the time significantly. We'll have plenty of time for both."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Positive," Ben said.

 

I had to admit, I liked the idea of a little wall there. And if they really wanted to do it…

 

“In that case, I vote shadow boxes,” I said, pointing to Emmett’s little sketch.

  
“Ha!” he said in triumph. Ben sighed, but smiled good-naturedly before the two of them left to go take measurements. A few minutes later, Ben left for Home Depot with an excited Emmett in tow.

 

Angela shook her head at Ben as he left. “Home Depot is like his personal Mecca. We may never see him again.”

 

“It’s so nice of him to do all this work for me. He’s such a great person, Angela.”

 

“I know,” she replied, smiling. “He is. I’m so lucky.”

 

“So is he, you know,” I said, nudging her with my elbow a little. She just grinned wider.

 

“Hey, Bella,” she said, her tone shifting, sounding more anxious. “There was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

“Sure, Ang, anything.”

 

“Well, there’s this thing…I mean, I have…ugh…” she shook her head in frustration. “So, at the foundation where I work, there was a woman working there who just retired. She was this society wife who did the job just to keep busy, and because she really believed in our mission. Anyway, we have this annual fundraiser, a cocktail reception and silent auction, and because she did that stuff all the time, she used to organize it. Now that she’s gone, somehow it’s become part of my job description. I mean, it makes no sense. I’m in charge of donor relations and press releases. Why am I the one organizing a fund raiser?”

 

“Angela, just get to the question,” I said, laughing, “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.”

 

She exhaled hard. “Yeah, sorry. Anyway, I was able to set aside this little bit of money in the budget to pay for an assistant to help me with it. It’s really the tiniest amount of money…I feel ridiculous even bringing it up. You really don’t…”

 

“I’ll do it,” I said quickly. My pulse was inexplicably racing. Just the idea of a job, even a temporary one, had me so excited. I hadn’t even consciously given much thought to going back to work yet, but Angela’s opportunity suddenly sounded like absolute heaven.

 

Angela’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You will?”

 

“Yes. Absolutely.”

 

“But, Bella, you can totally say no when you see the money. I was thinking I could hire some college kid for a few days a week, and you’re…”

 

“Angela, I just need to do something. Something that has nothing to do with me or what happened or how I wound up here. I need to be busy. I’ll find a real job soon enough, but my dad’s money will get me by for a little while longer. This sounds perfect for me.”

 

“Really? Oh, Bella, I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. If I have you helping me figure this thing out, there’s a chance it won’t be a disaster! And you know, because the foundation promotes childhood literacy, we get a lot of writers and stuff that come to the banquet. Mostly local Chicago people, but it still might be fun for you.”

 

“I’m excited, Angela. Really,” I emphasized when she looked skeptical. “Why don’t I come meet you on Monday and we can talk about it some more?”

 

“That’s perfect. God, Bella, you are totally saving my life with this.”

 

I reached out and grabbed her hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I think it might be the other way around.”

 

*0*0*

 

**_Edward_ **

****

****

The first week that Kate and I were back on duty at the hospital was a little tense. I avoided her as much as possible, but when we did cross paths, she was distant and impersonal. That was fine, really. It didn’t bother me. It was just that seeing her happy and relaxed again might do something to assuage my guilt over the whole situation.

 

It was clear to me now that I had no business ever getting involved with her in the first place. My head was still a mess, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give her all of myself. It was doomed to fail before it even started. But it was done and over now. I only hoped she’d meet someone else soon and forget I ever existed.

 

I stayed as busy as I could at the hospital. I took on extra shifts, volunteered to cover other people’s vacations. Whatever it took to make sure that I had absolutely no down time. No time to sit around and think and brood. The start date for my permanent contract was right around the corner, so I just focused on that and tried to shove Bella and all the rest of it into a closet in my head with the door shut tight.

 

Besides, if I wasn’t keeping myself busy enough at work, there was always Banner there to do it for me. As the start of my contract neared, he’d stepped up his attention, always dragging me off to meet some prestigious doctor or another. I knew I should feel grateful. I did, in a way. I knew Alec would kill to have somebody like Banner take him under his wing and groom him. But that part of my career, the friendly banter, the sucking up…I was lousy at it and I hated it. It was inescapable- at least, it would be in my job- but sometimes, I really wished I could escape it.

 

Today was shaping up to be no different. My morning shift had been intense. I had a heavy patient load, and some of the cases were really complex. I was juggling a million things, constantly on the phone˗ with the lab trying to get results back faster, or with the surgical staff trying to get a patient fast-tracked on their already-full schedule, or with Social Services, trying to get them in to deal with a patient who was having a hard time paying for her insulin.

 

I was tired. I still wasn’t sleeping well, no matter how late it was when I finally fell into bed, no matter how many consecutive hours I’d put in. There was a burgeoning headache forming behind my eyes. I wanted to go collapse in the staff lounge with the lights off for a while, but it would be hours before that could happen. There were just too many loose ends to tie up with this current batch of patients for me to tear myself away.

 

Hanging up the phone after my fifth fruitless conversation with the lab, I felt Banner’s hand clamp down on my shoulder.

 

“Edward! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

 

I smiled grimly. “Sorry, it’s been a crazy morning around here. Still crazy, actually. I’m kind of buried right now.”

 

I said it with no inflection, but I was hoping he’d pick up on my subtle hint. This wasn’t the right time for another heart-to-heart about my career or the next seminar I should register for. But Banner overlooked my implied message and just barreled ahead with the conversation.

 

“Dr. Mason is here, visiting from L.A. He’s doing a whole series of talks over at Columbia about facial reconstruction techniques. He’s an old friend from med school. Why don’t you come have lunch with us?”

 

I was aware of the honor being bestowed upon me. Doctors of the caliber of Banner and Mason did not invite residents out to a personal lunch like this. But I really couldn’t do it today. There was simply too much going on.

 

“It’s really nice of you to ask me, Dr. Ba….John,” I caught myself with a small smile. “But I’m juggling a crazy patient load right now, and I just can’t get away.”

 

Banner just smiled breezily and waved his hand. “Just get another resident to step in. Kate!” he called across the nurses’ station. I hadn’t even seen her there putting away her files. She smiled tightly and crossed to Banner and me.

 

“What can I do for you, Dr. Banner?”

 

“I need to steal Edward away for a while. Can you handle his patients for a bit?”

 

A flood of subtle emotions flitted across her face: irritation, because I knew she had a ton of patients of her own to deal with: envy, since she knew very well that Banner was showing me that same special favoritism he’d always displayed: and finally, a wide, false smile, because she was nothing if not accommodating to every one of Banner’s requests. After all, she had her own career to consider.

 

“Sure. No problem,” she said brightly. “Just give me your charts, Edward.”

 

“Ah, that’s really nice of you, Kate, but really, there are a few issues that I need to follow up on myself. I need to make sure Social Services…”

 

“Edward,” she snapped in exasperation. “I’m a doctor, too. I’m sure I’m perfectly capable of tending to any medical issues that come up.”

 

I stared at her for a long moment. It wasn’t the medical issues that worried me, it was the human ones. Then she reached out and pulled the files from my hands before throwing me a hard smile and turning away.

 

“Have fun,” she said back over her shoulder.

 

“See?” Banner said jovially, “Everything is taken care of. You really need to learn to delegate some of this drudgery, Edward. You’ll need to be able to free up time to devote to other aspects of your career.”

 

I sighed, but swallowed down all the nasty things I wanted to say. “I’m a doctor,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “I take care of people. What else am I supposed to be focusing on?” I couldn’t quite keep the venom out of my voice, though and Banner’s eyes narrowed as he looked at me closely.

 

“Edward, you have an enviable path ahead of you. You just need to focus and make sure you take advantage of the right opportunities as they present themselves.”

 

“I think I’ve done a decent job of that so far. I’m about to join the staff here, which is pretty major for a doctor my age, right?”

 

Banner nodded slightly in concession. “Yes, Lenox Hill is a great first step, but it’s only that; a first step. Sure, you need the name on your resume to give you the requisite heft; you know, a solid, respectable grounding in practicing medicine. But Edward, with your talent and that face, you’re destined for much bigger things than a life walking the halls in scrubs and latex gloves.”

 

Now I was thoroughly confused. What the hell did my looks have to do with anything?

 

“My face? I fail to see how that has any bearing on what kind of doctor I am.”

 

Banner scoffed. “The sky’s the limit for you, Edward. You could kick Sanjay Gupta to the curb! Or you make the right connections with the right celebrities, and you could have a whole career just consulting to the rich and famous. Hell, in this day and age, you could wind up with your own TV show, like that Dr. Oz asshole.”

 

I said nothing. I just stared at him as he rattled on, laying out his version of my brilliant career. Was this what all this had been about all along? All the advice and careful guidance? It was never about making me a better doctor. It was about finding the golden ticket that meant never having to practice medicine at all. I felt nauseous and stupid, and I shut my eyes against the feeling, just trying to get a full breath into my constricted lungs.

 

Banner’s Blackberry vibrated, and he glanced down at it.   
  


“Shit, I have to take this. Give me a minute, Edward,” he said absently, holding up a finger as he turned away to take the call. He wandered several feet away into a waiting room to talk.

 

I stayed leaning against the wall, just listening to my heart beat in my ears. The usual chaos of the hospital rushed by all around me, but I didn’t see or hear it. My brain felt full; overflowing, actually. I just needed a minute, some quiet, so I could think, and just hear my own thoughts. The ward felt claustrophobic and the walls felt too close.

 

Pushing off the wall, I ducked into a nearby stairwell, intending to just catch a minute by myself. But once my feet hit the stairs, they kept going and I went down, down, down, floor after floor, until I was in the main lobby. And then I kept going, not a conscious thought in my head, until I was through the glass doors and out on the sidewalk.

 

I just blew off lunch with Banner. That was a big fucking deal, I knew that much. But I also knew I’d rather chew off my own arm than sit down at the freaking Café Bouloud with him and his cronies today. In fact, I didn’t think I could set foot back inside the fucking hospital right now. I just needed to be outside, in the air, where I could just _think_ for a minute. 

 

There was no plan; I just started walking. West on Seventy-sixth Street, until I ran into Central Park. Then north until I hit a break in the wall. The park was much quieter, but still there was nothing but white noise in my head. So I just walked. I’d left the hospital in just my scrubs and it was pretty chilly outside, but I didn’t feel it. If anything, it helped to cool the fire I felt pouring out of my skin.

 

When I got to the other side of the park, I just kept walking, still not tired, still not cold, still not able to make sense of the chaos in my head. I walked and walked, crossing avenues, ducking around pedestrians, delivery boys, and mothers with strollers, until I hit Riverside Park clear on the other side of the island. I dodged the traffic on Riverside Drive and worked my way still further west, around the circular roadway ringing the Boat Basin Café. Car horns blared as I skirted the edge of the roadway where there was no sidewalk.

 

When I reached the far side of the traffic circle, I hopped the low stone wall and finally sat down on it, overlooking the yacht club below, the Hudson river, and, further out on the far shore, New Jersey. I’d come to the very edge of the island, and now I just sat, curled on the wall, staring west.

 

What the fuck was I doing here? Not here on this wall... _here_. What was I doing _here_? All of this…all that shit Banner said back there, all the social-climbing and ruthless, blind ambition…I hated _all_ of it. I’d put up with it all along because I felt like it was the price I had to pay to practice medicine at this level. And at a hospital this big, with this many resources…the good I could do, the good I _thought_ I could do- it just seemed worth it.

 

But was it? What was the ultimate goal in all this? What had I been working towards for all these years? The work had been so grueling that I’d just kept my eyes focused on my feet, making sure that I kept putting one foot ahead of the other in time to the beat pounded out by the program, by the prestigious doctors around me, who surely knew best. But had I ever even looked up to see where the path I was on was taking me? What if I wound up someplace I never wanted to be?

 

_Is it what you want?_

 

There it was again, that damned question, echoing eternally in my head. And suddenly the answer was screaming back at me, perfectly clear for once.

 

_No._

 

None of this was what I wanted. Banner and Chelsea and bullshit seminars and corporate consulting gigs and a career in medicine in which no one was ever healed…what the fuck was I doing here?

 

I dug the heels of my palms into my eyes, fighting back the burning there. My breathing was ragged and I curled in on myself, holding in the tears. There was no telling how long I sat there in the cold, shaking and trying to pull myself back together, but when I finally sat up and opened my eyes, the sun was lower and the shadows were longer.

 

I didn’t know how I’d let myself wind up here, but I was very clear on what I needed to do next. I fished my cell out of my pocket and scrolled down, pressing send when I found what I was looking for.

 

His voice when he answered sent a shock through my chest, at once bracing and comforting. Warm, and laced with just the edge of concern that I supposed every parent felt about their child whenever they weren’t right in front of them.

 

“Edward? This is a surprise!”

 

“Dad?” I wasn’t prepared for the sound of my own voice, how ragged and emotional I sounded.

 

“Edward?” he said again, now genuinely concerned. “What is it, son. What’s wrong?”

 

“Everything, right now. But I think I know how to fix it. Dad, the practice…your offer. Does it still stand?”

  
There was silence on the line for a moment. I could hear him draw in a breath. “Edward,” he said again, softly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“Dad…” I had to stop speaking for a minute as I struggled to hold my shit together and get my voice back under my command. “I’ve just been doing some thinking. And the path I’m on…it’s all wrong…for me. This is not where I need to be. It’s not where I _want_ to be. I just want to be a doctor. Like you. That’s where I belong. It's where I've always belonged."

 

I heard him breathing hard and I knew he was getting emotional, too.

 

“If you’ve already found someone...” I started.

 

“No!” he said quickly, “Look, Edward. The practice is yours. It’s always been yours; it always will be. I just want to make sure you’re making the right decision here. I want to make sure that you’re absolutely clear about what you’re giving up.”

 

I gave a short, sharp derisive laugh. “Oh, I’m well aware. But this has nothing to do with what I’m giving up. It’s about what I’m gaining.”

 

He was quiet for another moment. “Edward, I can’t tell you how much this means to me. That this is what you want to do.”

 

My throat constricted painfully again. “It is, Dad.”

 

He inhaled sharply and laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “Your mother will be beside herself. There’ll be no living with her now, you know that, right?”

 

I laughed, already feeling a thousand pounds lighter. In fact, I felt fucking euphoric. “Give her my love and tell her I’m looking forward to it.”

 

“I’ll do that. So, this must be rather sudden. Do you have any idea when you’ll be moving back to Chicago?”

 

“As soon as fucking possible,” I said, not even caring to curb my language, and he didn’t comment on it. “I just need to go talk to someone.”

 

“Alright, son. You go and do that. And call me if there’s anything at all you need.”

 

“Thank you, dad. I…thank you for this."

 

“Edward, I’m the one who should be saying that.”

 

We talked for just a few more minutes, until he seemed convinced that I wasn’t about to go throw myself off a tall building, and that I wasn’t talking to people who weren’t there. After I hung up, I stayed on the wall, staring west out over the water, until the light started fading and my teeth were nearly chattering with the cold.

 

Wearily, I pulled myself off the wall and flagged down a cab to take me back across the island to the hospital. When I reached Banner’s office, he was surprisingly still there. The second he saw me, he started to lay into me about disappearing the way I had. But I held up a hand to silence him and told him in one succinct sentence that I was politely declining the offer of a permanent position at Lenox Hill.

 

The following days were a blur of activity and frantic phone calls. Banner railed. His wrath was epic. All I could do was to stand there and take it until he’d exhausted himself, before I reiterated, over and over, that my mind was irrevocably made up. Alec and Kate both nearly called in a psych consult on me, convinced that I’d finally snapped under the pressure. But I just told them, repeatedly, as calmly as I could, that my decision was final and I was joining my father’s practice in Chicago.

 

In the end, my exit happened much sooner than I ever would have guessed. Because of the timing of my decision, right as residency programs were ending across the country, Lenox Hill was eager to have me gone sooner rather than later. They wanted to be free to offer my position to the strongest candidates before they were all snatched up by other hospitals.

 

I broke my lease and willingly forfeited my security deposit. Packing took almost no time. My apartment was scarcely more lived-in than it had been when I was in med school. It was only really used as a place to crash between shifts and it looked that way. The Salvation Army came for the furniture, none of which I wanted, and my personal belongings and books fit in the back of a U-Haul van.

 

And so it was, on a mild, sunny Saturday in late April, that I drove across the George Washington Bridge into New Jersey, bound for Chicago. I never looked back.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	19. Falling Slowly

**  
**

 

 

****

**_Bella_ **

 

Alice and I had been trudging through this antique mall for hours looking for odds and ends for my apartment. She’d gotten me up dismally early, I only had one cup of coffee on board, and my patience was wearing thin. Especially since every “fantastic find” she’d shoved at me was invariably some Danish Modern piece of furniture that wasn’t my taste at all, or some 60’s piece of kitsch art that should have been nobody’s taste.

 

I’d already conceded to her design sensibilities once, when it came to the sofa she gave me. It was long, low, modern, and screaming-bright red. But it had been Alice's before she and Jasper moved in together, and since then, they’d had it in Jasper’s library and he hated it (I didn’t really blame him). Beggars can’t really be choosers, so I'd happily accepted it and decided I’d break up all that incendiary red with some throw pillows or something.

 

Today had been one long string of “No, thanks, Alice.” But she was good-natured about it, and honestly, it was nice just to be out together. It was late April, and although in general, spring came late to Chicago, today was unexpectedly mild and sunny. The trees were just starting to bud, the remnants of the last snowfall had finally melted away, and the sun and mild temperatures had brought people out in droves. It made me feel excited and optimistic and just _alive_.

 

It was a feeling I hadn’t had in years. So long, in fact, that I’d forgotten I’d ever been able to feel this way. The longer I was away from Seattle, away from Jay and that whole long nightmare, the more I felt the veil lift from my eyes. I was waking up from the post-accident fog, but I was also waking up from the past four years. It was like I’d been walking through my life wrapped in a shroud, only half-feeling, half-experiencing everything around me. And while the shroud had kept me from feeling too much sadness, it had also, I realized now, kept me from ever feeling really happy. Despite my lingering guilt about leaving Jay behind, I couldn’t, in the end, regret it. Because I’d had no idea what I’d been missing. _This._ This tingling, excited, _alive_ feeling.

 

Although the shopping trip had so far been pretty much a bust, we _had_ found a pile of Indian silk saris in incredible, lush colors. I’d bought a huge heap of them, intending to make curtains to cover the abundance of windows in my apartment. Alice and I had split them up, and now we were each lugging an unwieldy stack of slippery fabric. I was about to call it quits and demand more coffee, when I spotted my real find of the day in a corner of one booth.

 

“What?” Alice asked, trying to follow my eyes to see what had caught my attention.   
  
“That,” I indicated with my chin, since my arms were full of fabric. It was a medium-sized painted wooden trunk. The patterns were crude, not professional in any way, and the colors of the paint were dimmed with the patina of age.

 

“You like that?” the elderly man in a sailor’s cap asked, noticing my attention. “My wife found it. It’s not really the kind of thing we handle.”

 

“Where is it from?”

 

“I’m not sure,” he confessed. “Indonesia, I think. Looks old, but no telling how old. Tell you what, you girls drag it out of here for the hundred bucks my wife paid for it, I’ll consider today a success. I’ve had the damned thing in our shop for months and not even a nibble.”

 

It was perfect. The perfect size to be a little coffee table, but also just perfect; old and covered in wear and history. Just the kind of thing I'd always loved but that had never seemed to have a place in my life. But that was my old life. Now, my life would look like whatever I chose, and I chose that old painted trunk. Haggling didn’t even occur to me. “Done.”

 

Of course, now, we had to get the damned thing home. We’d come on the El and we had the additional burden of a dozen saris. We stowed the saris in the chest, which at least consolidated things, and we were able to wrestle it out to the curb on North Broadway, but Alice was having no luck flagging down a taxi. We’d been out there for over twenty minutes at that point.  I was perched on the chest on the edge of the sidewalk, Alice was standing half in the street, waving her arm fruitlessly for a cab. I was tired and wishing that I had more coffee. I let my mind go blank and my vision shift out of focus.

 

When I heard my name, in _that_ voice, I nearly thought I was hallucinating.

 

“Bella?”

 

I spun to look and nearly slid off the trunk. I felt my face flush as the rest of my body went ice cold. _Edward_ was standing on the sidewalk, just a few feet away. He was still, almost rigid. His face was tense, and that little muscle in his jaw right in front of his ear was twitching, like he was grinding his teeth. He looked tired, rumpled, a little pale, and absolutely fantastic.

 

It took me several beats to remember to breathe, and I still couldn’t speak. My mouth opened and closed like a fish. Fuck. I needed to say something. Act normal. Pull it together.

 

I shot to my feet and banged my shin on the corner of the chest.

 

"Ow! Edward…hi.”

 

He didn’t seem to be doing much better. Since saying my name, he hadn’t made another sound. Now we were just standing on the sidewalk, five feet apart, staring at each other and saying nothing.

 

Alice noticed me get up and turned to look absently over her shoulder. When she saw Edward standing just a few feet away from me, her eyes flew wide and she scrambled back onto the sidewalk to my side.

 

“Edward!” she smiled. She was so bad at acting like nothing was wrong. Her voice was too high, her smile too wide, her eyes way too frantic. I felt terrible that she kept having to be the one to jump in and fix these crazy awkward confrontations, but at the same time, I was abjectly grateful that she was here to do it. “Isn’t this a surprise?” she nearly screeched. Edward’s attention was drawn off to Alice, and I finally exhaled. “What are you doing back in Chicago so soon?”

 

“Well,” he said slowly, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “It’s funny actually. Everything has happened really fast…but, um…I just moved back.”

 

*0*0*

 

****

**_Edward_ **

****

When I finally made the decision to come back to Chicago and join my father’s practice, I’d been expecting a slower, quieter life as one of the many perks. But my first week back had proven me very wrong. Thanks to my father’s foresight, I already had my license to practice in Illinois. When I was applying in New York, he suggested that I go ahead and apply in Illinois, too. At the time, he said that down the line I might be able to help him cover vacations in the practice. Now I was starting to wonder if he’d always held out hope that I’d end up back here.

 

I arrived on Sunday afternoon and I was in the office on Monday afternoon, unpacking my stuff and getting familiar with the system. Of course, I’d practically grown up in that office, so it wasn’t much of a learning curve. And when the patients had started stacking up in the late afternoon, I jumped in to help. Just like that, I was practicing alongside my father. It was fantastic.

 

The office stayed packed all week long. Dad said it was because word got out that Carlisle Cullen's son had come home to the practice and everybody wanted to get a look at me. I'd rolled my eyes and laughed, but it did seem like I spent most of that first week examining patients who didn't seem very sick. Regardless, they kept us both running at full-speed and I hadn't really had a chance to catch my breath since I'd crossed the state line.

 

I figured I’d crash at my parents for a little while until I had time to find my own place, but that first week was so busy that I couldn’t even find time to meet with a realtor until today, my first full weekend in Chicago. Never be vague with these people. The more specific you are with your needs, the more likely you are to get what you want. But I’d wandered into that office this morning in a fog, and left with a print out of addresses and appointments to view apartments all over town, in neighborhoods I had no interest in. But it had been years since I lived in Chicago, and I reasoned that some of these neighborhoods might surprise me after so much time. Besides, the day was glorious. I was home, where I belonged, doing what I was meant to do. A little pointless wandering around downtown wasn’t the worst way to spend a Saturday.

 

Then I turned onto North Broadway and froze in my tracks, sure that I must be seeing things; some combination of spring-induced euphoria and wishful thinking. But no, that was Bella, perched on an old trunk on the sidewalk, staring into space, looking hopelessly bored and a little cranky. And just to confirm that I wasn’t crazy, I saw Alice, frustrated, trying to hail a cab in the street.

 

I said her name. She gasped and scrambled to her feet. Feeling her eyes on me, looking at her face, made my pulse race and my words fail me. There was a long awkward moment when we just stood there and stared at each other in shock. Then Alice was shrieking and scrambling to fling herself between us, just like last time, but at least all her falsely bright chatter helped break the staring deadlock Bella and I had lapsed into.

 

Until she asked what I was doing back in town.

 

Yeah, in that mad dash to get myself out of New York and back home, I hadn’t exactly let anyone know I was coming- certainly not Jasper, who deserved to know. So I was put in the awkward position of telling _Alice_ , who I’d only run into by accident. I felt like such an asshole.

 

I was so busy blustering my way through it, that I barely had a second to register all the disparate facts of this encounter. Bella was still in Chicago, weeks after I’d last seen her here. She was out shopping with Alice…for furniture. All signs pointed to her living here. My heart started pounding the second the thought crossed my mind and I didn’t know how I would keep myself from just grabbing her and demanding an explanation.

 

Inhaling deeply, I had to remind myself that she cut me out of her life and stopped talking to me completely. There had to be a reason for that. I fully intended to ask her what it was, but it wouldn’t be while Alice was with us. That was a conversation that required some privacy. So I resigned myself to a little polite conversation. I’d find a way to get my answers soon enough.

 

Alice's eyes flew wide at my admission. "What do you mean, you just moved back?"

 

"I mean, I moved. Last weekend. I'm joining my father's practice. Well, I've already joined."

 

Alice gasped and opened her mouth to say something, but Bella spoke first.

 

"What about Lenox Hill?"

 

I turned to look at her. Her attention was fully, intensely focused on me, her eyes holding mine. It felt like the first really intimate connection we'd had since that night in December.

 

"I turned it down," I said simply. But she could see everything I wasn't saying, all the turmoil and mental struggle I'd gone through to make that decision, I knew she could. Her face told me that she knew.

 

"It wasn't what you wanted?" she asked softly, still not looking away. Her fierce eyes had always seemed to see into the very center of me, and now was no exception.

 

Slowly, I shook my head. "No, it wasn't what I wanted." Almost her words, the ones she'd spoken back in the bookstore. I'd been hearing them in my head for months, and it was her words, her voice, I’d heard in my head that day I'd finally seen clearly and quit. I was trying, with my words, my voice, my eyes, to push them back at her, so that she would know that. She held my eyes with hers for another long moment and I knew she got it. _It was because of you. You made me see._

 

“Jasper’s going to _kill_ you!” Alice said, effectively breaking the spell. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Bella inhaled and leaned back.

 

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call, Alice. Everything just happened so fast, and it’s been crazy since I got here.”

 

Alice just smiled and waved a dismissive hand. “It’s okay. You’re here and that’s what matters. Welcome home," she said, before launching herself at me and folding me in her thin, strong arms. I laughed and hugged her back.

 

As she straightened up, she cleared her throat and shifted her eyes towards Bella. “You know, Bella just moved here, too.”

 

I looked back at her. Color bloomed across the tops of her cheekbones and her teeth dug into her bottom lip. She looked a little panicked, but she didn’t look away. She kept her eyes on me. She looked fantastic; every bit as beautiful as always, but there was life in her face. Her eyes were bright, and she'd changed her hair.

 

“Is that so?” I said softly. Yes, she and I definitely had some things to sort out. Soon.

 

“Um…yeah. It’s been a crazy few months,” she said with forced casualness. But there was also a hint of a smile playing around the corners of her mouth. I couldn’t help but smile back. It snapped between us, that connection, that chemistry, just as it had in December. I swallowed thickly.

 

“I'm looking forward to hearing all about it,” I murmured.

 

She nodded, just the tiniest movement of her head. I distantly heard Alice sigh, and I realized we’d just abandoned her to sink into this private bubble of ours. I didn’t particularly care, but I knew I was being rude. So with a supreme effort of will, I made myself stop staring at Bella and turn back to Alice.

 

“So, you guys doing some shopping today?”

 

“Yes,” Alice answered promptly, “For Bella’s new place. But now I can’t seem to get a cab, so I might have to call Jazz to come get us so we can drag this thing home.”

 

“I’ll take you,” I said quickly. “My car’s in a lot around the corner. I’ll drive you.”

 

“Are…are you sure?” Bella asked. “We’re not, um, keeping you from anything?”

 

I smiled at her and shrugged. “Just looking at a few apartments, but it was kind of going nowhere. I can blow it off.”

 

“That would be fantastic!” Alice enthused. “Right, Bella?”

 

She smiled stiffly. “Yeah, it’s great. Thank you, Edward.”

 

“Just stay here,” I said, turning to go. “I’ll pull around.”

 

I had the car pulled up at the curb in a matter of minutes. Bella and Alice were standing with their heads together in urgent conversation, but scampered back away from each other as I stepped out of the car.

 

"Ready?" I asked, clapping my hands together.

 

"Sure!" Alice said, her forced- bright voice returning. "Oh, and look, it's a hatchback. That's handy. Edward, you and Bella get the trunk. I'll just guide it in so it doesn't get scratched."

 

"But it's already old," I pointed out.

 

"It's got _history_ ," Bella tartly corrected me.

 

I grinned at her and held up my hands. "Of course. History. We don't want to scratch any of its history."

 

She cracked a smile and muttered, "Smartass." under her breath, making no attempt to keep me from hearing her. I laughed out loud then, and she did, too. And there she was, the girl I'd spent all those weeks texting. There _we_ were, the easy back-and-forth we shared that I'd started to think I'd entirely imagined. I’d missed her. It was crazy, but true. I’d missed feeling this way with her.

 

“It’s not very big,” I said. “I’m sure I can get it alone.”

 

“It’s full. We put all the saris in there.”

 

“The whats?”

 

“Saris…fabric. It’s a lot of fabric. It’s heavier than it looks,” she insisted.

 

“Alright then, let me know when you’ve got your end.”

 

Bella leaned down, then straightened a little, absently shoving the long sleeves of her knit shirt up her arms to get them out of her way, before reaching again for the handle on her side once more. The jagged line of pink skin up the inside of her right wrist drew my eyes like a magnet. That was not there the last time I saw her. I looked again, but the trunk was blocking my view.

 

“Alright, He-Man,” she grinned up at me. “You ready?”

 

I forced a smile back and hefted my end.

 

It was just a scratch. She was moving recently, probably hauling around a lot of stuff. She must have scratched herself on something. But I knew wounds and instinctively, I knew that was no scratch. That was a laceration- one that had been stitched closed. And not very long ago, judging from the brief glimpse I got of it. My mind went into overdrive thinking about it. Thanks to my distraction, I managed to smash my fingers between the side of the car and the trunk, and I nearly scraped the painted side. Bella was oblivious, though, not having seen me notice, and she just continued to rib me about wrecking the patina on her old wooden trunk. I laughed and tried to play along, but I couldn’t get my mind off that jagged line of pink and just where the hell it came from.

 

The car ride to Alice’s probably should have been tense, considering how much unsaid shit hung between us, but Alice refused to let it happen. She kept up a steady stream of superficial chatter, about springtime in Chicago, about the never-ending work on her house, sprinkled with plenty of polite questions about my parents. She was sitting in the back; Bella was in the passenger seat, but Alice carried the bulk of the conversation. Bella mostly stared out the window and watched Chicago pass by.

 

Wicker Park wasn’t all that far from the antique mall where I’d run into them, so it didn’t take long to get there. Alice directed me around the corner and down the narrow alley that ran along the back of the houses on her block. We stopped behind her odd little overly-tall garage.   
  


“This is it,” Bella said, pointing at the strange-looking brick building.

 

“What is?” I asked. I’d just assumed we were delivering her back to Alice’s place. Maybe she hadn’t moved into her own apartment yet.

 

“My apartment,” she said, pointing to a narrow flight of stairs against the side of the garage that I’d never noticed before.

 

“You live up _there_?”

 

She just laughed as she climbed out of the car. “Don’t be a snob. It’s really cute. Come and see.”

 

I was skeptical about a single room over Alice’s garage, but on the other hand, it was _Bella’s apartment_. Hell, yes, I was going in. I scrambled out of the car and met Bella at the hatchback. Alice took Bella’s keys and ran ahead up the stairs to open the door. Getting the two of us and that heavy-ass trunk up her narrow stairs was a challenge, but a fun one. I banged my elbow on the railing, and my shin on a step, but Bella just kept laughing at me, which made me laugh. Alice stood in the open door, hands on her hips, fruitlessly trying to direct our efforts.

 

Finally, we staggered into her apartment and maneuvered into the middle of the room to set the trunk down. Bella caught her toes and let loose a stream of extremely colorful obscenities.

 

“Are you okay? You want me to take a look?” I offered.

 

She laughed as she hopped on one foot. “No, I’m good. I just have to walk it off.”

 

I looked around myself, and, even though I could see every square inch of the room from where I stood, I said, “Show me around.”

 

She laughed and planted one hand on her hip, dragging her hair back off her face with the other. Once again, a glimpse of a pink scar. A jagged, unfamiliar line flashed underneath her hair, right up against her hairline, along her temple. I felt sick. Now I was sure. Something had happened to her; something major. She’d been hurt; her wrist and her head. The doctor in me began to calculate the placement of major arteries, the likelihood of significant blood loss…

 

Bella was talking, pointing out the features of her new place, but I could barely hear her over the roaring in my ears. She looked good; healthy. Whatever it was didn’t seem to have damaged her permanently in any way, but what the hell had happened to her? I was sure it was all tied up in why she was here in Chicago, alone. Did it also have something to do with why she so abruptly stopped speaking to me?

 

Alice was only alternately paying attention, busy pulling out long swaths of fabric from the trunk and holding them up against Bella’s windows. She had a lot of windows, I noticed. Like, it was _all_ windows. She would freeze in this place in the winter. She was still moving around the room, pointing things out to me. All I really wanted to do was demand that she tell me what happened, but now wasn’t the time or place for that. So I swallowed down the anxiety and frustration, and made an effort to listen to every word she was saying.

 

“…and then Emmett designed the wall, and…”

 

“Wait. Emmett?”

 

Bella chuckled. “Yeah, he showed up the day I was moving in. He helped Ben with the cabinets and then they made that wall. Didn’t it turn out great?”

 

It did look great. A nice little bookcase topped with one of those open shadow-box things on top. Bella had already started to fill the nooks with random odds and ends. The wall jutted out about five feet into the room and next to it, partially concealed by it, was Bella’s small double bed. I cleared my throat and looked away, towards the kitchen. Emmett had apparently helped with that, too. It was odd, knowing that Jasper and Emmett, _my_ friends, had been busy helping Bella build this new life here in my hometown, and I knew nothing about it. But I supposed she was their friend, too, now. And really, nobody knew about what had happened between us. It wasn’t supposed to matter to me where she was and what she was doing. Except that right now, it felt like my whole world.

 

Alice’s phone buzzed from where she’d left it with her bag on the floor. She dropped the fabric she was holding and flipped open the phone.

 

“Jasper!” she said, brightly. “He just texted that he’s home. Come on!” she reached out and her steely little fingers clamped down around my wrist. “He’s going to flip when he sees you! Let’s surprise him.”

 

I laughed and turned to look back at Bella, raising my eyebrows in question. “Coming?”

 

She smiled tightly and shook her head. “No, that’s okay. You go. Thanks so much for the ride and the help, Edward. I’ll see you soon, I guess?”

 

I stared back at her for a beat too long. “You will. No doubt about it.”

 

Her eyes were wide as I let Alice drag me out of her apartment and down the stairs to explain myself to Jasper. I had to force myself not to look back over my shoulder to see if Bella was still watching. This was a hell of a long way from over.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Bella_ **

****

As soon as Edward and Alice disappeared out the door and it closed behind them, I let out a long exhale and closed my eyes, my shoulders slumping. I turned and collapsed onto the couch, which was hard and a little uncomfortable. Was I destined to never enjoy a comfortable couch as long as I lived?

 

That was…tense and exciting and awkward and so incredibly wonderful. Just being near him again— talking, making little jokes, laughing together— it made me feel euphoric. And he was _here!_ Actually _living_ in Chicago. It was almost too much to take in at once.

 

Before I could let myself get too worked up, though, there were questions that needed to be answered. First and foremost, where was Kate, and what was their status? Since he’d just abruptly quit his job and left New York, I was guessing that they were over, but there was no way to know for sure. Then that left the fact that he’d suddenly stopped texting me. I was guessing it had been because he’d met her, but I couldn’t know for sure. After all, he’d told me what he wanted once, and I’d totally shut him down. He might have just gotten sick of me and the distance, and lost interest. Except that today didn’t feel that way at all. The way he looked at me, that same fierce energy between us, it was just like I remembered from December.

 

I knew he was puzzled that I didn’t go with him and Alice to the house. But Jasper was his friend, his best friend. He should have that time with him without the complication of me and our strange history getting in the way. That was exactly why I’d kept what had happened a secret for as long as I could. I never wanted it to affect his friendship with Jasper.

 

Plus, honestly, I just needed some time to think and regroup. Seeing him earlier had shocked a few years off my life. I hadn’t planned it. I wanted to talk to him, sit down with him and tell him everything that happened. And I wanted answers from him, too, about his decision to leave New York and Kate. But I hadn't been prepared to do it this instant. So I let him leave, to go talk to Jasper. He was here now. I could get his number from Jasper and call him. We could have lunch and talk. Sort it all out. And then, maybe, if he still wanted to…

 

I refused to let myself even go there. I couldn’t afford to hope and then be disappointed. Besides, I was a mess. My _life_ was a mess. I didn’t even _have_ a life yet. I had no business even thinking about getting involved with someone right now.

 

With a huff, I shot to my feet and started unpacking and re-folding the saris, anything to keep myself busy and occupied. I turned on some music. I put away the few dishes I’d dirtied last night making dinner. Then, when that was all done, I tried to work on the guest list for Angela’s charity event. But I was distracted and unfocused and had a hard time getting anything useful accomplished. For the first time since I moved in, I was sorry I didn’t have a television. The mindless chatter would have helped distract me. I flicked on the lamp by the couch as the light faded outside. The windows of Alice’s house were lit up, throwing long gold rectangles of light across the back yard. Forcing my eyes away from her house and my thoughts away from who was inside of it, I redoubled my efforts on the guest list and was finally able to make a little headway on it.

 

A soft knock on the door some time later made me nearly jump out of my skin. That wasn’t Alice’s knock. Alice practically busted the door down with her fist. I knew whose knock that was.

 

Dragging in a deep breath, I stood and made my way over to the door on shaky legs. It swung open into the room. Edward was standing on the landing, his hands shoved awkwardly in the back pockets of his jeans. As soon as I opened the door, he shifted his weight and swallowed audibly.

 

“Hi,” I managed to whisper.

 

“Hi,” he returned, equally quiet. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, erase that nervous, tentative expression from it. But I didn’t touch him; I didn’t move a muscle. He took a deep breath and spoke again. “We need to talk.”

 

All I could do was nod slightly as I backed up and made room for him to enter. He slipped past me into the room, moving to stand more or less in the middle, still shifting uncomfortably. The apartment was already small, but Edward’s outsized, nervous presence in the middle of it made it seem microscopic.

 

Steeling myself, I moved in his direction, wondering if I should sit, or invite him to sit? Offer him a drink? Or just ask him what I needed to know? The uncertainty threatened to overwhelm me, so I decided to bounce it to him.

 

“Where should we start?”

 

As soon as I was within arms’ reach, his hand shot out and closed around my right wrist. I gasped and spun to face him.

 

“How about we start with this?” he said, turning my wrist over and sliding his hand up my arm, shoving my sleeve up with it, exposing the scar there. “You could also tell me about that one,” he continued, pointing at my head, still not letting go of my arm. “How did this happen to you?”

 

I looked at his face, but his eyes were on my arm, looking closely at the scar. His eyebrows were knit together and his face was stormy.

 

“It was…” I started, then trailed off, struggling for the right words to tell the whole story.

 

“Jesus,” he breathed suddenly, “did this get your artery?”

 

“Yes,” I said, because that was an easy one to answer. “Well, it nicked it.”

 

“Did he…” Edward shut his eyes and I felt his grip on my wrist tighten.

 

“No! No, he didn’t. Not on purpose, anyway.” I sighed and tried once again to figure out where to start. The beginning. I needed to tell him everything that had happened since I left him here in December.

 

“Just tell me before I go out of my mind,” he rumbled lowly.

 

“Do you remember Alice’s bachelorette party?”

 

Edward finally looked up at me, surprised, and the stormy expression cleared a tiny bit. The corner of his mouth twitched in amusement. “Yes, but I’m surprised you do. You were pretty wasted.”

 

I smiled back in spite of the tension. “Do you remember I got a bunch of texts on my phone?” He nodded. “That was Jay, telling me he’d been laid off, and I never read them. By the time I got home on Sunday, he was a mess.”

 

Edward exhaled hard and finally let go of my wrist. He turned half-way, to look out the windows towards the back of Alice and Jasper’s house. “So that’s why you stayed?” he asked.

 

I nodded. “At first. I was going to go home and end it. Actually, I’d decided to end it before I ever came here for the wedding. But then I got home and he was in such a bad place…”

 

“And you couldn’t.”

 

“I couldn’t,” I repeated softly. “I needed to give him a little time. To get himself back together. To get back on his feet. But he didn’t get better. He got a lot worse.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

I sighed. It was still so hard to say it, especially to people who didn’t know him like I did. The reality of it still had the power to take my breath away. “He’s sick. Um…mentally ill. I think it’s been there for a long time, and then when he lost his job, he just snapped. He was paranoid and irrational. He didn’t sleep for days. He thought someone was out to get him. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew I needed to stay and try to help him.”

 

Edward turned back to look at me, his face full of worry. “You said he didn’t hurt you.”

 

“He didn’t. At least, not on purpose. He got upset. He saw…” I shook my head and sighed. “Actually, he found out about you. But he misinterpreted what he saw; it all fed into this crazy delusion he had. He did grab me, and when he let me go, I lost my balance and fell. I hit these shelves we had and cut my arm. Something on the top shelf fell and hit my head. He was upset, but it really was an accident.”

 

“But if he was unstable, you could have been killed. Why the hell did you stay there?” Edward was practically radiating anger and he was talking through gritted teeth.

 

“I was trying to leave. I just needed to get him into treatment first and I would have left. But he wouldn’t talk to anybody, and I wasn’t sure what to do…”

 

“Why didn’t you talk to me? I could have…” Edward ran a hand through his already-wrecked hair in frustration. “I could have tried to help you, made some phone calls, _something_.”

 

“It didn’t seem right. Not after what…what happened. I couldn’t involve you that way. You, of all people.” He gave me a hard look, so I went on. “I had no idea if you’d want to get involved that way. And what if you didn’t, but you felt obligated because of what happened?”

 

“I would have wanted to,” he sighed, but he seemed resigned as to why I hadn’t asked for his help.

 

After a minute, he cleared his throat and spoke again, looking back out the window. “You said he found out about us. How?”

 

“He saw your texts. Usually, I was so careful to erase them all as soon as we quit talking, but I was running late leaving the office that day. I must have just forgotten or something. It wasn’t…there wasn’t even anything wrong with them. You didn’t say anything the least bit out of line. But he had this crazy delusion about his boss, Eleazar, and you came up in my phone as ‘E’ and he just got it all wrong in his head, and….”

 

“When?” Edward’s voice was a ragged rasp. I looked up at him. His eyes were squeezed shut, his whole face creased with pain.   
  


“What?”

 

“When was this? What day?”

 

“Um…Valentine’s Day, actually. Ironic, huh?”

 

Edward groaned and ran his hands up over his face.

 

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

 

“What was the last text you got from me that day?”

 

I shook my head in confusion, trying to remember. A lot of details from that day that were hazy, and his texts had been so innocuous. “I’m not sure. We were talking about our proms and stuff. Just nonsense. Then I said I had to go and we said goodbye. No, ‘later’ We said ‘later’, like we always did. Why?”

 

“So you didn’t get the last one I sent?”

 

I blinked at him, at the tense, anxious expression on his face. “The last one?”

 

He let out a gust of air. “I’m so sorry, Bella. What he saw…I sent another text. A few minutes later. And if that’s the one he saw…it’s no wonder he flipped.”

 

“What did you say?” my voice was hardly audible. I felt stretched tight with tension. He looked back at me, his expression unguarded and completely vulnerable.

 

“I said that I still thought about you all the time and that I wanted to be with you.”

 

“You did?” My voice sounded breathy and far-away. The implications of his words would hardly sink in. He wanted me. He said he wanted me.

 

“Yeah. And then I never heard from you again. I called later that night, but it went straight to voicemail. I thought…I figured that was your way of telling me to fuck off and leave you alone.”

 

“Ohhh.” Realization finally sank in. I never answered him. So he never wrote back. That’s why there had been nothing from him after that day. “He broke my phone.”

 

“What?”

 

“Jay. He threw it against the wall when he found your text. He broke it. Then when I got here, Jasper got me a new number, so he couldn’t find me. I checked my messages after I got here, but there was nothing after the fourteenth. I didn’t know you wrote again that day. I thought I’d seen all of them. I thought…I figured you’d just given up on me.”

 

“Jesus, no,” Edward breathed. Then he scrubbed his hands over his face and growled in frustration. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Bella. This is all my fault. I should have left you alone. I had no business saying that to you.”

 

“No, Edward, stop. Yes, that set him off, but if it hadn’t been that, it would have eventually been something else. I was trying to handle something that was out of my control. It was too big for me to fix. It took me a while to figure that out, but eventually I did. What happened was nobody’s fault, least of all yours.”

 

He was clutching his hands into his hair, eyes squeezed shut in frustration. I closed the little distance between us and put my hand on his arm. “Edward, no. I mean it. It wasn’t your fault.”

 

He dropped his hands from his hair and abruptly hooked his arm around my hips, pulling me into his side. His head tipped forward until our foreheads were touching. My heart had already been racing through our long mutual confession, and now it set up a loud thud in my chest. My hands fluttered helplessly in front of me for a second before settling on his chest. He was breathing hard. I could feel his heartbeat under my palms. I felt overwhelmed by all we’d revealed, overwhelmed by his physical closeness, just overwhelmed by the reality of us…here, pressed against each other after all this time.

 

“I’m still so sorry. You could have died, Bella.”

 

“Shhh. I didn’t. I’m fine. I’m here.”

 

“Yes, you are. So am I.” His free hand came up to stroke my hair. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

 

We were right there, balanced on the edge, but one more question needed answering. “What happened with Kate?”

 

He let out a huff. “I broke up with her the night we got back to New York, right after I saw you here.”

 

“You did? Oh….because…”

 

“It was a mistake,” he said quickly. “I never should have tried. I was still so hung up on you. But when you disappeared…I was just trying to move on. It didn’t work.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

We stood still for a moment, his arm still around me, his temple pressed against mine, our breaths mingling. We felt airy and fragile, like if I breathed too hard, this whole thing might blow away like a dandelion. But we needed to move, either forward or apart, or something. Whatever we were going to be to each other, we needed to start being it.

 

“What now?” I finally managed to murmur.  
  


“Now?” he said, distracted, his fingers slightly stroking my lower back where he held me.

 

“What do you want?”

 

Edward picked up his head and looked me in the eye. “I want what I’ve wanted since the minute I met you. I just want you. To just… _be_ with you.” He swallowed hard. “And you?”

 

I made myself hold his gaze and I nodded slightly. “I want that, too.”

 

Then he let out a huge exhale and pulled me into him. I let out my breath, too, feeling spent, boneless, warm and perfect, folded into his tight embrace. His face was buried in my hair, his arms holding me like a vise. My eyes stung as tears threatened, and I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.

 

“Bella….” he sighed into my hair. I turned my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in deep, inhaling the scent of him that had never really left my memory. Now it was all around me; I was drowning in it, in him. My hands fisted into the front of his shirt.

 

“I’m a mess, Edward,” I finally said, feeling like I should attempt to be the voice of reason here. And he needed to know what he was getting into with me. “My life is in shambles. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I probably shouldn’t even be…”

 

“Shhh…” he cut me off, pulling back enough to look at me again, raising his hand to cup my cheek. He rubbed the arc of my cheekbone, the rough pad of his thumb making my skin tingle. “Be a mess with me. We’ll figure it out. _You’ll_ figure it out. Just figure it out with me.”

 

As he leaned forward and closed the tiny space still between us, I tilted my chin up, and our lips found each other. It was soft and warm, and it felt like I was home. I sighed against his mouth and his fingers slid into my hair, holding my head, so gentle, almost reverently. He made me feel precious, and cherished. He also made me feel on fire. How could I have forgotten the effect he had on my body? Just standing near him made me glow, and now, with his lips moving across mine, his tongue stroking my bottom lip, I felt like I was burning up. I clutched at his shoulders, then the back of his neck, pulling him in closer.

 

It was still there- this connection I’d always felt with him. The connection that we’d almost lost. I wanted to cry with relief that I was feeling it again. I _was_ crying; I could feel the wetness on my cheeks. We broke apart to breathe and Edward’s mouth traced a gentle line to my ear, his lips catching tears on the way. He was whispering little words that tickled my hair and heated my skin. “I never stopped wanting you. I always wanted you.”

 

“I wanted you, too."

 

He tightened his grip on me and moaned, pulling my mouth back to his. This time it was hot and urgent. The want and hunger was there, demanding attention after all this time neglected. His teeth nipped my lip; I arched into his body; his hand clutched my hip, his nails digging in; I ran my hands up into his hair and gripped it in my fists. My skin wanted his skin, I wanted to feel him all over me, pressing me down, making me his again. It was too soon and too emotional, but I wanted to drag him to my bed and strip us both bare and just fall into each other.

 

He was dragging in deep, labored breaths as he kissed his way to my ear again, and then I felt him slow and stop.

 

“I should go,” he whispered raggedly.

 

I blinked, practically incoherent in my lust. “Go?”

 

He chuckled softly and the sound vibrated through my tense body. “Yeah, go.” He leaned back and held my head again, pressing his forehead to mine. “This is really important to me, Bella. We might have done it all wrong in the beginning, but I have another chance, and I’m doing it right this time. Which means even though it’s the very last thing I want to do, I’m going to go now. Because we both know what’s going to happen if I stay.”

 

I sighed. He was right. I wanted him so badly that I could barely see straight. But going too fast would just make more of a mess, when we finally had a chance to fix things. Well, to get a decent start in the first place.

 

“You’re right,” I conceded, still no more than inches from his face and desperate to kiss him again. Then I couldn’t help it and I grabbed him by the back of the neck, closing the space between us so I could kiss him again. He moaned and kissed me back. His hands found my hips and he walked forward, pushing me back a few steps until my back met the wall. A thrill ran through me at the memory of the last time Edward had me pressed against a wall like this. His hands moved from my hips to my waist and his thumb skimmed back and forth over my ribs, as if he was struggling to keep from going higher. I sighed and arched into him. He groaned and pulled back.

 

“Bella…”

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

 

“Believe me, there’s nothing I want more,” he smirked. “I can remember every single minute of being with you, and it’s killing me to go. I remember the way you smell…” He leaned in to kiss the side of my neck. “…and I remember the way you sound….” He kissed me just in front of my ear, letting his lips drag along my skin on the way there. “…and I remember the way you taste…” He shifted and kissed, slow and lingering, right on the corner of my mouth. “And I’m still going to go. Because I _really_ don’t want to screw this up.”

 

I was practically quivering with need. Every nerve ending screamed at me to reach out and grab him. But he was right, and so I held myself still and swallowed down my raging lust as he leaned in to kiss me one last time, not quite chastely. Then, heaving a huge sigh, he straightened and stepped away, leaving me immediately feeling cold.

 

Edward turned towards the door. He snagged my hand in his and tangled our fingers together, pulling me after him.

 

"Can I take you out tomorrow?" he asked, his voice still a little ragged, despite his attempt at sounding light.

 

“What, like on a date?” I asked, slightly stunned. It had been years since I’d been asked out on a date. And Edward and I had been on such a strange, circuitous road to get here. A date seemed so…normal. But sweet.

 

“Yes, a date. You know, with food and talking and stuff. Do you think you can bear me for a night?” he smirked over his shoulder. I wanted to melt into to the floor.

 

“I’ll endure it.”

 

“Glad to hear it. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

 

I nodded, feeling how wide and stupid my grin was, but unable to make myself stop. When he reached the door, he turned back, but kept pulling on my hand until I was up against him again and his arms were around me.

 

“I’m going to be thinking about you all night,” he murmured into my hair, his fingers tangling in at the base of my neck.

 

“Me, too,” I whispered.

 

He tugged on my hair and I shifted my face until his lips found mine. One more kiss, I told myself. Just one more taste of his mouth, and I’d let him go. But then we were pressing and nipping and grasping and moaning, and it was about to become a lot more than one kiss.

 

“Oh, God…” he murmured against my neck.

 

“Mmmm…” was all I could manage. Then I tried again. “If you’re leaving, you should go.” Because he was right. I wanted to. _God_ , did I want to. But we had to slow it down, and take our time. Now we had plenty of time.

 

Edward made a low, guttural sound in his throat and stepped back away from me, moving his hands to the safety of my shoulders. He sighed softly. “Goodnight, Bella.”

 

“Goodnight, Edward.”

 

I lingered in the open doorway, my arms wrapped around my middle to ward off the chill. I watched as he descended the stairs, crossed the alleyway to his car, and opened the door. He stopped just before he got in. Then he raised his hand and pressed his fingers to his lips. I raised mine, too, kissing my fingertips like I was kissing him.

 

I could barely make out his smile in the dark. He lowered himself into the car, and he was gone. In a daze, I closed the door and stumbled to my bed. Falling across it diagonally, face down, I buried my face in the quilt. I let out my long groan of frustration into the blanket before flipping over onto my back. My frustration was only physical, though, because that’s just what Edward did to me. Overall, I was happy. No, this feeling was much too big for happy. It was a bubbly, effusive, effervescent bliss that almost scared me in its intensity. I wanted to wrap myself back up in those last moments with Edward, in his arms and lips, and never come up for air.

 

It seemed like too much happiness. I was afraid to exhale for fear of shattering the fragile soap bubble of my joy. When my cell phone rang, it actually made me shriek in surprise, because I was _that_ tense. I stretched across the bed to retrieve it. You could reach almost everything in this apartment without ever having to get up. I didn’t recognize the number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi.”

 

His voice made my lips curl up in a satisfied smile. I stretched back out on the bed, one arm splayed out, toying with the tips of my hair.

 

“Hi, yourself.”

 

“I couldn’t wait. I also forgot to get your number. Jasper gave it to me. Alice wants a full report tomorrow.”

 

I laughed. “Forewarned is forearmed. I’ll prepare a brief. You just left.” I pointed out.

 

“I told you, I couldn’t wait. Talk to me while I drive.”

 

So I did. We talked while he drove, and he told me all about the things he passed on the city streets, and all the things in Chicago that he wanted to show me. We talked as he parked his father’s car. We talked as he made his way into his parent’s house and up to his old bedroom. We talked as he described the shelves full of old childhood awards around him. We talked until I fell asleep with the phone nestled against my shoulder, his voice murmuring in my ear.

 

 

**  
**

 

 


	20. Visible Horizon

**  
**

****

**_Bella_ **

****

My phone woke me up again the next morning, pinging right in my ear. I groaned and rolled onto my back, stiff and a little cold from the way I’d fallen asleep.

As I blinked against the bright morning sunlight flooding my apartment, bits of the night before filtered back into my mind. I fell asleep talking to Edward.

Edward.

Edward, who called me five minutes after he left. Edward, who came back last night to talk to me. Edward, who told me he wanted me. Edward, who kissed me—a lot. Edward, who was taking me out on a _date_ tonight.

I grinned to myself in satisfaction as I stretched my arms out over my head. Everything that happened last night almost felt like a dream, except for the crick in my neck from sleeping on a cell phone. Then I remembered it waking me up and scrambled to where I’d left it laying on the quilt. The battery was nearly gone, of course, but there was a text message flashing on the screen.

_Good morning- E_

I smiled even wider and texted back.

_Yes, it is. Good morning. –B_

_Sleep well? –E_

_I slept on my phone, actually. My neck is stiff. –B_

_Sorry. Not really. I liked talking to you last night. –E_

_I liked talking to you, too. A sore neck is a small price to pay. –B_

_I’ll massage it for you. –E_

I had to sit back and take a deep breath to control the flash of heat his innocent words set off in me. Slow. We said we were taking things slow. I could _not_ start thinking about Edward’s hands touching me all over….

Another deep breath.

Apparently, his words weren’t meant quite as innocently as I thought, because he texted again almost immediately.

_When can I come get you? -E_

I wanted to say _“Right this second”,_ but I didn’t. Slow.

 

_I’m making curtains with Alice today. –B_

_Did you say curtains? –E_

_The saris? From yesterday? We’re making curtains out of them. Never mind. I’ll explain when I see you. –B_

_I like the sound of that. Seeing you. –E_

_Me, too. –B_

_Okay, so I’ll call you later? –E_

_Yes, later. -B_

I shut my phone with a sigh, holding it under my chin for a second before leaning to the nightstand to plug it into the charger. Just as I did, it rang in my hand. Laughing, I flipped it open.

“What happened to later?”

“Huh? I want answers _now_ , missy!”

“Oh, Alice, it’s you.”

“Of course it’s me. Who else…oh! Were you just talking to Edward?”

I felt my face flush in spite of myself. “We were texting.”

I could just barely make out that silent squeal she did when she was really excited about something, the one only dogs can hear. “Come over!” she gasped. “You have to tell me everything!”

“Well, I do have some laundry to do, if I can use your washer…”

“Now! I’ll unlock the back door. Jasper just finished the coffee.”

“Alright, alright!” I laughed. “Just let me brush my teeth!”

“Hurry!”

Ten minutes later, a basketful of laundry under my arm, I tapped on Alice’s back door. She came skidding across the slick kitchen floor in her socks, flinging it open under my hand.

“In, in, in!”

“We have all morning, Alice.”

“’Morning, Bells,” Jasper mumbled, shuffling across the kitchen in his flannel pajama pants and t-shirt, scratching his stomach and yawning. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please. Thanks, Jasper.”

Alice perched on one of the stools at the kitchen island, tapping her nails on the counter while Jasper poured my coffee and I helped myself to the croissants Alice had brought home from the fantastic French pastry shop near her office.

“God, I love these,” I muttered around a mouthful of buttery, flakey goodness.

Alice shot me an impatient glare, but waited until Jasper pressed a sleepy kiss to her forehead and wandered back out of the kitchen before she rounded on me.

“Okay, what happened?”

“He came back last night,” I said with a shrug.

“And?”

“And…we talked. About everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yeah. I told him everything that happened with Jay. He told me why he stopped texting.”

“And why was that?” Alice asked sharply.

“Ally, be nice. This is Edward. You love Edward.”

“Yeah, but all things considered, I’m going to be a little over-protective of you at the moment. Bear with me.”

I smiled fondly at her fierceness. “He texted me that night. The night of the accident. But I didn’t get it, because Jay trashed my phone.”

Alice leaned forward on her elbows. “What did he say?” Then she sat back and closed her eyes. “Sorry. Prying. I know I’m prying. I need to give you your space now that you’re in a relationship with him.” Then her eyes went wide and she gasped. “Are you? In a relationship, I mean?”

“Um…” I looked down at my plate, trying to control my smile and failing miserably, “Yeah. I think so. I think we are. We’re going out tonight.”

“On a date?” Alice’s voice shot up an octave.

“Yes, Ally. Like a date. Stop freaking out. You’re freaking me out, and I’m already freaked out enough.”

“Okay, okay,” she said, holding up her hands, “Backing off. I’m just so happy. And if you’re with him, and he’s Jasper’s best friend, and he’s here and you’re here…”

“Stop!” I shouted, because I could see it in her eyes. Alice was already scheduling cozy couples’ dinners and summer cookouts and the wedding of our children.

She slapped a hand over her mouth quickly and spoke through her fingers. “Sorry. I’m getting carried away. You know me.”

“Yes, I do know you. And you need to slow down!”

“I know. Sorry, sorry. He’s just such a great guy, B. He could be so good for you.”

I smiled into my coffee, even as anxiety nipped at my heels. Yes, Edward was a good guy.  A _great_ guy, with everything going for him and everything to offer. And I was an unemployed former technical writer living over my friend’s garage. If I dwelled on the disparity too long, I was going to have a panic attack, so I shot to my feet to top off my coffee.

“While I’m being all Mama Bear,” Alice continued, “What about Kate?”

“They broke up.”

“I figured that much, with him here and her not. How long ago? And was it just because he was moving here?”

“He said he broke up with her the day he went back to New York, right after we met her.”

Alice made an indelicate snort. “Surprise, surprise.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, anybody could see the way he was looking at you that night. He was doing a lousy job of hiding it. The tension between the two of you was so thick, it was like another dinner guest. I knew that girl was doomed; it was just a question of when.”

“Alice! Come on. I barely spoke to him all night. He barely spoke to me.”

“Yeah, I noticed. _Everyone_ noticed. And then all anyone could notice was how hard the two of you were trying _not_ to notice each other. For two people who didn’t speak, you were practically screaming at each other.”

I groaned and dropped onto my barstool. “Don’t say that. God, she must _hate_ me.”

“I’m sure you’re not her favorite. But hey, it was his choice to make and it looks like he’s made it. Did he stay over last night?”

I practically choked on my coffee and looked up to see Alice, her wide eyes innocently locked on me over the rim of her coffee cup.

“No! I mean, he wants to go slow.”

“Slow? But haven’t you guys already…”

“ _Yes_ , we have. But we both agreed that everything happened the wrong way then. We want to do things right now, and that means going slow.”

Alice scoffed in disbelief. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

“You think we can’t rein it in?”

“I think,” she said with a roguish grin, “that the genie’s out of the bottle at this point. You can’t unknow him…in the biblical sense.”

“Oh, hush! Just because you and Jasper were over-sexed fiends when you first met, it doesn’t mean it happens that way for everybody.”

“I give you _one_ date before you’re tearing each other’s clothes off” she said, holding a finger up in my face for emphasis. I snorted, but said nothing. “Do you know where you’re going yet?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t talk specifics.”

“Okay. But what are you wearing?”

“Nope!”

“What?”

“Not gonna do this with you, Ally.”

“But…”

I held up my hands, “No! No ‘try this one’ or ‘it just needs to be a little sexier’ or ‘you need to wear a push-up bra’. Just no!”

“You’re taking all the fun out of it!”

I laughed. “I’m taking _your_ fun out of _my_ date? You’re right— I’m the worst friend ever. Now, are you going to come help me make curtains, or not?”

Alice groaned, but slid off her barstool. “Lemme brush my teeth and we’ll get started.”

 

*0*0*

I was re-thinking my refusal of Alice’s fashion advice hours later, when she was long gone and I was left alone to count down the minutes to Edward’s arrival and stare apprehensively at myself in the mirror.

It had been a long time since I’d really tried to impress a guy with my looks, and I felt completely out of practice. Thanks to Rose, I had a good haircut, so that much was okay. My wardrobe was dismal, though. Jay had trashed most of my clothes in Seattle. I’d landed in Chicago with one suitcase of stuff to my name. I’d gone out with Alice a few times, but mostly just to get sweaters and stuff to keep warm, since the Chicago winters were much harsher than what I was used to. I’d put off buying too much else, since I didn’t have a real job yet and I didn’t know what kind of clothes I’d ultimately need. I didn’t own a dress anymore; not even a skirt. But Edward had said it was casual, and I’d take him at his word. I settled on my best dark jeans and a black sweater. Not flashy, but sleek, and a little dramatic.

I rolled my eyes at my own nonsense. Edward thought I was beautiful; I knew this. He told me so. Granted, we were naked and groping each other at the time, but still…

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to not think about that night _at all_. Not if I wanted to get through tonight coherently. And I would most certainly need my wits about me tonight. Everything with Edward felt so right, so easy. I wanted to just let go and fall into him, surrender completely to the euphoria I felt when I was with him. But we weren’t teenagers; this wasn’t some fairy tale. I was coming out of a disastrous relationship. My own bad decisions had been partly responsible for landing me in that situation. I was determined to be smarter this time; to think as well as feel. It was just way too hard to think whenever Edward touched me.

Edward’s gentle knock on my door startled me and made me make an embarrassing little squeak. I gave myself one last reminder that this was the same Edward with whom I texted with for two months, the same Edward with whom I talked to so easily last December. Nothing at all to be anxious about. It wasn’t working. I was ridiculously anxious.

It only got worse when I opened the door and saw him standing on the little wooden landing. He looked magnificent. He always did. It was just a white button-down shirt and jeans, under his grey wool peacoat. How? How, how, _how_ did he manage to make it all look so good?

“Hi,” I said, smiling hesitantly.

“Hi,” he said, returning my smile. I was just starting to wonder what to say next that would put us at ease and back to a comfortable place when he stepped forward and bent to kiss my cheek. Innocent, except that he reached up a hand to cup the back of my neck, holding my face to his lips for just a beat longer than ‘innocent’. I nearly swooned. I wanted to fist my hands into that nice crisp white shirt, throw him down, and straddle him. Instead, I looked at his other hand to see what he was holding. A plant.

He straightened away from me and held it out. “A little housewarming gift,” he said. It was an orchid in a pot. At least, I thought it was an orchid. I knew the basic look, but I’d never seen one like this. There was a single spray of blooms erupting from its smooth, glossy leaves. The flowers were a dark rust color, its delicate little petals edged with the same bright lime green as its stalk. It was so exotic and lovely. I’d never seen one like it. The shape said “delicate flower” but the unusual colors spoke of earth and rougher things than flowers.

“It’s an orchid. Some kind of phaleonopsis,” Edward explained, “The woman at the flower store told me the name but it was really long. There’s a card in there with the name and care instructions. I hope you like it. It took me forever to pick one. I described your apartment to the woman-- the windows and the light, and she thought it would do well here. I don’t even know if you like plants. It seems like you might, but…”

“I like plants,” I said quietly, taking it from him. “I always have, but…” I started to say we never had any because of Jay’s allergies. He was allergic to everything I dragged home. But I stopped myself. It seemed wrong, somehow, to talk about him now. So I just smiled and turned to find a good windowsill for it. “I love plants. It’s beautiful, Edward.”

He shrugged slightly. “It kind of reminded me of you.”

That made me smile wider. I liked being compared to something so pretty and unusual. Edward moved to stand in the middle of the room while I got the orchid settled on a windowsill near the kitchen corner.

“Wow,” he said behind me. “Curtains. Okay, I get it. You guys made these?”

“Didn’t they turn out great? I doubted we could pull it off for a while there, but Alice was right.”

I turned to examine the room, awash in the bright gold setting sunlight filtered through the thin, jewel-toned silk saris. It was like being inside a kaleidoscope, and I loved it.

“You did a great job.”

I shrugged, “The sewing was all Alice. I did the hanging. I can’t sew, but I can wield a hammer.”

He laughed and came to stand next to me. “It looks great. It seems like you’re really settling in, huh?”

Edward reached out an arm and curled it around my waist, pulling me into his side. I leaned into him, inhaling his scent surreptitiously.

“I am,” I said quietly.

He ducked his head down until his lips were near my ear. “Good,” he murmured against my hair.

The air thrummed around us, warm and electric. I wanted to curl up into his chest and stay there forever.

Edward broke me out of my fog, turning me in his arms and cupping my face in his hands. My breath stalled and I braced myself for the explosion of his kiss. Instead, he reached up and smoothed my hair off my face, tipping my head and peering closely at my forehead.

“Have you seen a doctor since you got to Chicago?”

“Just Alice’s doctor, to have the stitches taken out.” I swallowed back a little sigh of disappointment that he wasn’t kissing me, but staring at my scar instead. Stupid scar. I hated it for being more interesting to him than my mouth right now.

“I’ll ask my dad for a referral to a neurologist. You’re probably fine, but you can’t be too careful with head injuries.”

“Edward, I feel fine. I’m sure there’s nothing…”

“Bella, I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about this. Humor me, okay?”

He ran his fingers over it one more time before trailing them down the side of my face and cupping my cheek again. I forgot what I was even arguing about.

“Okay,” I sighed.

“Actually, I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about a lot of things,” he murmured. And then he did kiss me. He kept it PG— well, maybe PG-13, but it still set me on fire and wiped every other thought out of my head. He ended the kiss, but only pulled back a hair, so that he was still breathing on me and I could barely see his eyes.

“You ready to go?”

“Hmm?” I blinked. Then I actually registered his question. Right. Go. Because if we stayed here another minute, there was no way we’d ever leave. “Let me just get my coat.”

 

*0*0*

 

**_Edward_ **

****

Let her go get her coat. _Don’t_ reach out and haul her back. _Don’t_ kiss her and pull that tight black sweater off of her. _Don’t_ push her down on that omnipresent bed in the corner and take back her body. Just _don’t_. Don’t do it, and don’t think so much about it, either.

As Bella walked away from me to go get her coat off a tiny rolling rack that served as her closet, I took a deep breath and concentrated on not jumping on her. Slow. We said we were going slow. And my head was fully on board with that plan. My body, however, was having a really hard time forgetting that Bella had been the source of one of the best nights of my life. Taking things slow, starting from scratch, was definitely the sensible thing to do. After all, we’d skipped all sorts of important steps that weekend at the wedding. In my head, I knew all that. It was just damned hard for my body to forget all the things it knew about her body.

I hadn’t planned on kissing her like that. I really did want to get a better look at that scar on her forehead. But once I’d satisfied my curiosity and saw that it was healing up nicely, I’d been so close to her face, her mouth, that I couldn’t stop myself from leaning in for a taste. And if I hadn’t stopped right then, I’d have wanted to taste a whole lot more of her.

I stayed where I was, by the kitchen, to avoid getting too close to her and the bed, while she got herself ready to go. She’d set the flower I’d brought her on the window to my right. She seemed genuinely pleased by it. Bella liked plants. I could add that to the list of little things I knew about her. I wanted that to become a very long list.

She glanced back over her shoulder, smiling, eyes bright. “Ready?”

It was impossible to resist smiling back. She was just the same as before, but there was also so much that was different. That flash in her eyes had replaced the guarded look I remembered. There was a lightness about her that wasn’t there before, an energy that sparked out of her at odd moments. It made her even more appealing, and I wasn’t sure how exactly I was supposed to manage this plan to take it slow. But for now, I just crossed the room and took her hand, leading her out of the apartment.

“It was convenient yesterday that you had a hatchback,” Bella observed as I opened the car door for her a few minutes later, downstairs.

“Oh, yeah…this isn’t mine. It’s my dad’s.” When I realized how that sounded, I closed my eyes and shook my head.

“What? What’s wrong?”             

“Just…I’m living with my parents and borrowing my dad’s car. Jesus. I really am a grown-up. I swear it. This is all just temporary.”

Bella laughed a little and her fingers brushed mine where I held the top edge of her open door. “Edward,” she pointed back towards her apartment. “I’m unemployed and my address is ‘The Room Over Alice’s Garage’. And there’s nothing temporary about it. I think I win the most-pathetic life contest hands down.”

I smiled at her. “Of course it’s just temporary, Bella. I have a feeling that you haven’t shown the world even a fraction of what you’re capable of.”

In the dying light of the day, I could just make out the flush of color across her cheekbones as she smiled at me. “Charmer,” she muttered softly, as she lowered herself into the car.

“So, where are we going?” Bella asked after a few minutes. She was busy with the radio, scanning the dial looking for something good. I couldn’t help her; all the stations seemed to have changed since I moved away. She finally gave up and left it back on the classic rock station my father had it on, and I drove to the smooth accompaniment of “Dream Weaver”.

“Um,” I took a deep breath, not sure how cool she’d be with my next suggestion. “Do you like Vietnamese?”

Bella spun in her seat to face me, her face alight with excitement. Score.

“I love it! Well, I’ve hardly had it, really. There was a place in Seattle, and I went a few times with some people from work. I loved it, though.”

“I should explain,” I said quickly. “It’s a little hole in the wall near my dad’s practice. When I worked summers there in high school, he and I would go there a lot. It’s run by this guy and his family. It’s really nothing much to look at, but the food is amazing, and they know me, so…” I was starting to cringe internally listening to myself. What kind of ridiculous idea was it to take her to Pho on our first real date? What was I thinking?

Then I felt her hand come down on my forearm.

“It sounds perfect, Edward. I’m sure I’ll love it.”

And she did love it. It was a Sunday night, so there were only two other tables filled in the narrow little storefront restaurant when we got there. Trinh’s daughter was working as hostess tonight, and her face lit up with recognition when she saw me. She was a toddler when I started coming here with my dad, and she had to be in high school by now.

“Mr. Edward!” she sang, “Where is Doctor Carlisle?”

I smiled in return, “Just us tonight, I’m afraid.”

She smiled warmly at Bella and motioned us to follow her to a table in the corner before she disappeared into the kitchen. We’d only just begun to glance at the menus before Trinh himself bustled out of the kitchen.

“Mr. Edward! You not come in long time!”

“I’ve been living in New York, but I’ve just moved back,” I cast a sideways glance at Bella and she was smiling, chin in her hand, watching me talk to Trinh.

Trinh waved his hands in the air. “For you, I make special dinner, yes?”

I looked at Bella with my eyebrows raised in question. It was her call, since it meant we’d have no idea what we were getting until it showed up.

“Yes, sure,” she finally spoke up, nodding eagerly. “Make whatever you want.”

Trinh clapped his hands together in delight and whisked away our unnecessary menus. His daughter arrived with tea just as he hurried back into the kitchen to start on our special dinner.

“Sorry, I didn’t think he’d be so exuberant,” I said, once we were alone.

“Are you kidding? He’s fantastic. And I’m sure whatever he makes will be sublime.”

“Thanks for being game for this. I’ve really missed this place.”

“I love it here. And it looks like they’ve really missed you, too. So you said your practice is near here?”

I laughed a little. “That sounds weird. ‘My practice’. But I guess it is, huh? Yeah, it’s a few blocks away.”

“Take me there some time?”

I looked up at her smiling, eager face. “Of course. Whenever you want. I…” I was about to say _“I want to show you everything. Every corner of my life.”_ But that seemed too much, too soon, even if I meant it, so I just shrugged and sipped my tea. Trinh appeared just then to distract us, sliding a plate in-between us. His English was broken, but I think he said it was some sort of open-faced dumpling. Whatever it was, it tasted great. Bella and I shared the plate and she moaned when she took her first bite.

“So good,” she sighed, “I love Vietnamese, but I rarely got to go, since Jay didn’t like…” She stopped abruptly and looked down at her lap. I ducked my head to see her face. That tight, haunted look I remembered from the wedding was back. I wanted to banish that look from her face forever.

Hey,” I said, reaching out to put my hand down over hers in her lap. “You can talk about him, Bella. He’s part of your past. A big part. I don’t want there to be this black hole in your life that you can’t ever talk about with me just because he was there for it.”

Her shoulders relaxed a little as she looked up, “It’s just…I don’t want to be that girl that just bitches about her ex all the time.”

“You’re a long way from being that. And your situation with him was a little different, right?”

She nodded reluctantly in agreement. I shifted my hand so I could twine my fingers together with hers. The warmth of her skin seemed to radiate up my arm. “Just tell me about him. And you. I know what happened in the end, but what about before that?”

She looked at me skeptically. “You really want to hear all this?”

I nodded. “Yes, I really do. I’ve spent the last four months imagining all kinds of things about him and you. The truth might do me good.”

Bella sighed and her eyes skated around the restaurant, unseeing. “I told you that we started dating in my senior year, right before my dad got sick, right?”

I nodded.

“It wasn’t…I wasn’t all that interested in him. But he was nice, and persistent. So I went out with him. I don’t know. I was so busy with the magazine. It was my whole life. I didn’t have time to be serious about someone, and he just sort of…fit into the little bit of space I had left over. That sounds terrible, doesn’t it?”

“Not every relationship is true love. Especially in college.”

She laughed softly. “Yeah. I suppose back then, I thought I was just passing the time with him. Then my dad got diagnosed and everything in my life changed overnight. I quit school, turned _New Moon_ over to a new staff, moved back to Forks…I just let everything go, including him. But he didn’t let go of me. He drove hours every weekend just to visit. He researched stuff for me, made phone calls when I was too tired or too emotional to do it myself. I didn’t realize just how alone I felt until Jay stepped in and made sure I wasn’t anymore.

“Then, after…after Charlie died, I just wanted to stop, too. I was so drained. I didn’t want to think or plan or feel. And Jay just did it all for me. He came to Forks and helped me pack up the house and sell it. He dragged me back to Seattle to finish school. Whatever happened later, I have to always be grateful for that. I doubt I would have on my own. At least, not then.”

She stopped for a minute, frowning at her hands where they were still tangled with mine.

“What then?” I urged.

“Alice thinks he took advantage of me. That he got me when I was down and…I don’t know… _kept_ me down or something. That’s not true. He wasn’t manipulative that way. He did get me when I was fragile, and maybe, under different circumstances, he and I would have never happened like that. So maybe you could say he took advantage. But so did I. I was wrecked and lost. I didn’t want to think, so Jay thought for me. I didn’t want to plan, so Jay planned.”

Bella stopped and closed her eyes, clearly upset. I said nothing, I just waited for her to continue, and eventually she did. “I didn’t want to feel too much, and he didn’t make me. It took me a long time to realize that. Really only since everything happened. But part of the reason I stayed with him then was that I didn’t love him too much. Just a little. All I could handle was loving someone a little bit. And he…he deserved so much more from me. So maybe Alice is right that he took advantage of me when I was down. But I took advantage of his love. God, I feel so awful for doing that and wasting so much time on a relationship that was so wrong from the start.”

“Hey,” I let go of her hand so I could reach up and rub the base of her neck in reassurance. Bella might have been tearing herself up for how little she’d ever loved him, but I was taking a kind of sick satisfaction in what she was telling me. All this time, I’d been imagining him as some sort of great love in her life, and he was turning out to be much less than that, which made me grimly pleased. “You can’t beat yourself up about that,” I said. “It’s all in the past, and you can’t change it. All you can do is move forward.”

She smiled wryly. “You sound like Alice. She says that it takes just as much time and energy to turn around and retrace your steps as it does to just keep going forward. And if you turn around, you just end up back where you started anyway.”

“Alice said that?” I asked in disbelief.

“I’m paraphrasing. And she might have been quoting song lyrics. Her personal philosophy is heavily influenced by pop music.”

I laughed, “I guess it doesn’t matter where she got it from. It’s still good advice.”

“I’m trying to follow it. I’m sad about Jay, and sorry for how it happened, but I’m trying not to dwell. I’ve made a mess of my life, and it’s time to start cleaning it up.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. Look, I know things are unsettled for you right now, but I hope you don’t feel like _everything_ is a mess.” I slid my hand back down to hers and gave it an emphatic squeeze.

She smiled in understanding. “I told you that this was happening at a bad time for me. I probably…” she stopped and took a deep breath, her eyes dropping to her lap. “I should probably regret everything about how this happened.”

I sucked in my breath at her admission, my chest tightening in anxiety. I knew there was so much wrong about how we started, but even still, I never wanted her to be sorry that it did. I certainly wasn’t. And I was still afraid that she might push me away out of some lingering feeling of guilt.

“Bella…”

“I _should_ regret it,” she continued, finally looking up and meeting my eyes again, “but I don’t. I’ll never regret that night.”

I cupped the back of her neck again and pulled her face to mine till our foreheads touched. “Good,” I whispered, “because I never will, either.”

We held still, our eyes closed, just breathing, faces nearly touching, until Trinh cleared his throat softly behind me to indicate that our dinner had arrived. I let her go reluctantly, and scooted my chair to the side so that we were sitting closer together, wanting to still feel her near me.

Trinh told us what he’d made us, but I don’t think Bella understood any more of what he said than I did. It really didn’t matter, though, since it was all fantastic.

For a few minutes, our conversation stayed on the food, but soon Bella cleared her throat and nudged my leg with hers under the table. “Your turn.”

“My turn, what?”

“To tell me everything.”

“Are you talking about Kate? Because there honestly isn’t any more to tell.”

She rolled her eyes, “No. Lenox Hill. Why are you here when in December, you were all set to take on the world in Manhattan?”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah, _that_ ,” she snorted in laughter. “It’s a pretty huge deal, Edward. What made you change your mind?”

I frowned at my food for a minute, thinking. “You, actually,” I finally said.

Bella choked on the bite in her mouth and sputtered. “Me??”

“Not you, specifically. But something you said. Do you remember that conversation at the bookstore, before the wedding?”

She nodded.

“I was telling you about Lenox Hill, and the job offer. And you asked me if it was what I wanted.”

Bella stared at me a beat, waiting for me to elaborate. When I didn’t, she prompted me. “And?”

“No one had ever asked me that. Because the answer was assumed. Hell, even _I’d_ assumed the answer. I had spent so many years working my ass off to achieve something, that I never once stopped to ask myself exactly what it was that I was achieving. It took me a while to do it, but when I finally did, I didn’t like the answer. I knew that if I just kept doing what I was doing, I’d work myself to the bone, and in twenty years, I wouldn’t recognize my own life. Or myself. It had already started to happen. When I looked around myself, I didn’t know how the hell I’d ended up where I was, doing what I was doing. I hated every bit of it.”

“I...God, I’m sorry, Edward.”

“What for?”

Bella shook her head in confusion. “I don’t even know. If it wasn’t going to make you happy, then you made the right choice. I guess I’m just sorry that you felt you spent so much time on the wrong path.”

“I’m going to try to follow Alice’s advice, too. Looking back is a waste of time. Just keep moving forward, right?”

She chuckled and nodded. “Right. Thank God there’s pop music to tell us what to do when life’s really hard choices need to be made.”

I laughed, too, and after that, we left the heavy conversations behind for the night. Trinh came out to visit with us as we finished up our food, chatting and laughing. Then I talked with his daughter a little, since she was starting her senior year next fall and was considering studying medicine. Trinh’s wife came out of the kitchen and made a big fuss over Bella while I talked shop with her daughter. By the time Bella and I finally stood to leave, the restaurant was empty and Trinh’s wife was plying Bella with recipes and telling her where to buy fish sauce in Chicago.

We declined their repeated offers of yet another dessert and made our way slowly back to the car, hands intertwined. Once we were in and moving, the atmosphere seemed to shift, and our easy conversation dried up. Because now, there was the rest of the evening.

We’d said we were going slow, but the few times we’d touched, the energy and desire was heavy in the air. I wanted her desperately, and I was pretty sure she wanted me, too. I was playing good-night scenarios in my head, trying to project the best possible outcome and the least potential for awkwardness. Should I say goodnight at the foot of her stairs? Too distant? Walk her up them to the door, but not go inside? What if she invited me in? Could I turn her down without seeming cold? Or maybe I should go in and we could talk for a little bit more….

“This is my street,” Bella murmured, snapping me out of my obsessing. I’d been so busy freaking out about how to end the night that I’d barely spoken to her the whole way home, and nearly missed the turn. Now I felt like an ass. I pulled up behind Alice’s garage and killed the engine.

We looked at each other in silence for a moment and then we spoke simultaneously.

“Do you want to…”

“I should probably…”

We stopped and she laughed. “You go first.”

“I’ll walk you up.”

She nodded and got out of the car. I followed her silently up the wooden stairs. My palms were actually starting to sweat. This was crazy. I’d already been with this woman. Multiple times, and in all kinds of ways. How could I possibly be so nervous about just kissing her and saying goodnight? But I was nervous. Because more than anything, I just really didn’t want to screw this up.

When she reached the landing and I was still one step below her, she stopped and turned. The stairs brought us eye-level.

“I had a really good time,” she said softly.

“Me, too. I’m glad you liked it.”

“I loved it. We have to go back soon.”

“Are you kidding? Trinh adored you, and his wife even more so. I don’t think I’d be allowed back without you.”

She laughed, then, soft and a little nervous. Before this moment could stretch out any longer, and because the anticipation was killing me, I reached out and put my hand on her hip. Her laugh cut off abruptly. Then she reached up and rested one hand on my shoulder.

“Bella,” I began. I was going to say something perfunctory about how much I’d enjoyed the night and that I’d call her tomorrow, but the feel of my hand curling around her hip, of her fingers digging into my coat just a little bit, wiped my brain clear of all but the essentials. When I opened my mouth, only the truth came out. “I’m so damned glad you’re here,” I whispered.

She sucked in her breath, maybe a little surprised at my words. In the dim light on the landing, her dark eyes glittered and her eyebrows drew together. “Me, too,” she whispered back.

I reached up with my free hand and cupped her face, pulling her forward. Her lips crashed into mine with absolutely no hesitation. In seconds, her hands were gripping the back of my neck, my fingers were tangling in her hair, my tongue was in her mouth and the tiny distance between us had vanished.

It was quiet back here, only the distant hum of the city and the soft sounds we were making together. Our lips sliding, sucking, nipping; the rustle of my hands over her clothes as I slid inside her coat and circled her waist and pulled her closer, the tiny panting breaths she took when I finally let go of her mouth so I could taste her neck. She was arching into me, her breasts pressed hard against my chest. Her fingers were in my hair, scratching my scalp, fisting and tugging. My hand was sliding down to cup her thigh and pull her hips in against mine, where I was already so hard.

Bella moaned as I sucked on her earlobe. Nothing about this was the slow, gentle goodnight kiss I’d planned. In less than a minute, we’d moved straight to full-on feeling each other up. I knew I should slow it down, but I really, _really_ didn’t want to, and Bella didn’t seem to want to, either.

“Oh…” she sighed, as her head tipped back, “I think Alice was right about this, too.”

“Huh? Alice?” I muttered against her jaw as I worked my way back to her mouth.

“I think this genie is already out of the bottle,” she murmured, just before she pulled my face to hers and kissed me again. Her tongue slid along my bottom lip and I sucked it into my mouth. She moaned into me. My hands were somehow under her sweater now, just holding her waist, but still, the feel of her smooth, warm flesh under my palms was making my head cloud with lust.

“Edward?” she whispered.

“Yeah?”

“You’d better come inside.”

“Okay.”

She turned in my arms, but I kept them wrapped around her waist and nuzzled aside her hair with my nose so I could kiss every bit of exposed skin on the back of her neck as she fumbled to get her key in the lock and the door opened. It swung open under her hand and we moved inside together, me still pressed up against the entire length of her back. She dropped her keys and her bag on the floor just inside the door and twisted in my arms again. I hauled her up flush against me as I reached back with my foot and kicked the door closed behind us. She wriggled her arms and her coat slid off her shoulders into a pile on the floor.

Her mouth was on mine immediately, and everything in me seemed to explode. Months of wanting and denying and missing her just overwhelmed me, and all I could think about was getting more of me touching more of her.

I kissed her so hard that she was bending back, nipping at her bottom lip as I pulled away. She took a step back to brace herself and we stumbled to the left, running into the little half-wall bookshelf that concealed her bed.

I was about to apologize for smashing into her furniture, but she pulled my head back down and her lips fastened on my neck, her tongue skating along my skin, and I stopped caring. My hands curled into her waist, bunching her sweater up in my fingers, exposing part of her stomach. She released her breath in a gust across my neck.

“Bella,” I murmured against her ear, “Are you sure? We don’t have to…”

She let go of my hair just long enough to take hold of the hem of her sweater and peel it off over her head herself. Her dark hair tumbled back down over her bare shoulders as she shook it free. I sucked in my breath. Underneath there was only a thin white tank, pushed half-up already by my eager fingers. I didn’t need to be told twice. Flinging my own coat off onto the floor, I reached for her again, her warm little body pressing against mine, the soft, fresh scent of her skin filling my head.

We kissed again, deep, desperate and needy, as her fingers went to work on the front of my shirt. I let go of her to help, our hands tangling as we tugged and shifted and never stopped kissing. Once my shirt was gone, I wrapped my arms around her again and walked her backwards, around the bookshelf and towards her bed. As soon as her calves hit the mattress, she fell back and pulled me with her. I tried to catch myself so I wouldn’t fall on her, but Bella wouldn’t let me go. So I came down hard across her body and immediately, her calves wrapped around mine, pulling me in closer, fitting me against her body. As my hips settled in against her hips, I moaned into her mouth. I rocked forward, pressing my erection directly against her. She writhed under me as her head tipped back and I went at her throat again, tasting everything I could reach, biting at the soft edges of her. I could feel her fingers clawing at my shoulders, my neck, and then my hair again, tugging and scraping.

There was nothing soft and gentle about what we were doing. This was all raw need. But that was okay. I just needed to feel her. She needed to feel me. We had all the time in the world for slow and gentle. I planned on touching her and having her this way so many times that we’d lose count, but for now I just needed to be inside of her again, to reassure myself that this was real, that she was real, and that the nightmare of the last few months was really over.

Bella’s tank was the next thing to go, followed swiftly by her bra. I lost no time in pulling one of her tight pink nipples into my mouth and sucking hard. She arched up off the bed and groaned, her hands fisting into my hair. My hands slid down over her hips to grip the backs of her thighs, pulling up, pulling open, as I rocked myself against her, needing pressure and friction.

“Edward, please…” she moaned. “I just need…”

I moved back up to her mouth, kissing her hard. “I thought about you so much,” I murmured against her lips. “I nearly drove myself crazy wanting you.”

 With one hand, I traced the edge of her jeans, my fingers looking for the button. Her hands slid down my bare back, giving me chills, before slipping around and reaching for the fly on my jeans. I levered myself up off her just long enough to get out of them, and she did the same. I wanted to fall back on her, but there were still her panties in the way and as lovely as she looked in them, I needed them out of the way. Bella lay back on the bed, watching me with half-closed eyes in the dark, as I reached up and hooked my fingers around the lace edge. She lifted her hips to help me slide them down her legs and away. My mouth began to water at the site of her naked body stretched out, so pale in contrast to the dark quilt on her bed.

“You, too,” she whispered, nudging my hip. I did as she asked, peeling off my boxers before I stretched back out along side of her, half over her. Bella turned into me, angling her face up to kiss me even as she hooked her calf around mine, pulling me onto her. I rolled us until she was underneath me, every muscle in my body tensing up as our bare skin rubbed together from shoulders to toes.

My hand slid slowly down her side, brushing the side of her breast, over her ribs and past her hip, until I found the back of her knee and pulled it up, making room for me between her thighs. She moaned and arched against me until my dick was sliding along her wetness.

I had to speak between pants because I was so wound up, so freaking desperate to take her. “Bella, is this…I don’t have anything with me.” I knew I must have been half out of my mind with lust if it didn’t occur to me until now to bring that up.

“The pill,” she murmured into my ear. Her hot breath on my neck made me shiver. “And there’s only been you. Nobody but you since the wedding.”

That snapped me. It was a base, animalistic sense of satisfaction, but one that I couldn’t deny. She’d only been mine since that first night. She’d always been mine. I pushed up on my forearms just as Bella tilted her hips up. Everything lined up and I pushed in deep, too tight and strung out to go slower. We both gasped at the feeling, and my eyes flew open so I could see her. She was looking back at me and I held her gaze as I rocked into her until I was buried. I shuddered and my skin burned. Sliding my forearms under her shoulders, I lowered my weight down onto her, holding her body close. She gripped my hair with both hands and turned her face into my neck.

“Me, too,” I whispered against her temple. “There’s only been you.”

She sighed as I began to move.

The wind-up was fast. We were both so desperate for each other and for release. I freed one hand so that I could grip her hip to hold her steady as I pounded.

“Edward…” she sighed, digging her nails into my back. “Oh, God…” I hissed and arched against her fingers.

Pushing up a little to change the angle of my hips, I thrust hard into her again. She gasped and whimpered and I felt her come apart around me. Her head dropped back on the bed as she went slack with her release. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her sweet, familiar scent as I let myself go and came, exploding inside of her. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, holding me tight against her as I rode it out, shaking and weakened.

Eventually, I pulled out, but I didn’t release her. I only rolled us to the side, so she came to rest with her head on my chest, not letting any air get between our overheated bodies. Stroking her hair off her face with one hand, I pressed a long kiss against her forehead.

“I’m sorry, I know I said I wanted to go slow, but I just couldn’t…”

Bella pressed her fingers against my mouth to shut me up before propping herself up on one elbow and leaning over me. She was smiling, soft and radiant, her hair a riot of tangles around her face. I reached up and pushed a hand into it, gripping the back of her neck. “I’m not sorry,” she whispered.

I smiled and shook my head. “I’m not really, either. We’ll figure it out.”

“Yes, we will. Stay the night?”

I scoffed softly. “You’d need a blow torch to pry me away from your bed, Bella.”

She grinned, her teeth flashing in the darkness. “No prying necessary. I don’t want to let you go.”

I pulled her face down to mine so I could kiss her, this time long and slow and completely thorough. “I’m not letting go of you, either.”

She sighed and dropped her head back to my chest. I tucked her head under my chin and tightened my arms around her. Her body nestled in, every curve settling in against me. Warm, and perfect, and just _right_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	21. You and I Both

**_Bella_ **

****

_His mouth was hot and wet on the inside of my thigh and moving higher. Almost there. Just inches and he’d be_ there _, in that spot that made my eyes roll back in my head. His fingers were already there. God, he was so good at this. How had he figured out, in the space of a week, just how to play my body so perfectly? He knew every nerve ending, every little flick and rub that would make me moan. I would happily lie in this bed for the rest of my life and let him plunder me to his heart’s content. Especially when he curled his long, incredible fingers forward in that way he did and hit that spot…._

 

“Bella? Bell? What do you think?”

 

I shook my head to snap myself out of my wildly graphic daydream about Edward. Specifically, Edward’s mouth. _Stop it._ So inappropriate in the middle of a work day. Granted, it was just Angela, and we were camped out in the conference room at the Anset Foundation working on the benefit, but it was still inappropriate. I could feel my face flushing.

 

“Sorry, Ang. What did you say?”

 

Angela sat back and pushed her glasses back up her nose, smirking at me. “What had you so distracted?”

 

“Um…just something Edward…said…last night,” I stammered stupidly. I swear, he turned my brain to soup.

 

Angela laughed softly. “You have got it _bad_. What did he do that made you blush like that?”

 

I’d told her, sketchily, on Monday that Edward and I were talking again. I think I might have described it as “starting to date”, which seemed a ridiculously inadequate description of what the past week had been like with him. But Angela, being Angela and not Alice, didn’t pry and seemed happy to let me tell it on my own terms, and on my own timeline. So far, I’d been greedy, hoarding it all to myself, unwilling to share much of it with anybody. Today, however, Angela seemed to want info.

 

“Shut up, Ang!”

 

“What?” she was still laughing. “That’s a _good_ thing. I like him. And he’s really good for you. I haven’t seen you like this since…wow, I don’t think I’ve _ever_ seen you like this, come to think of it.”

 

I gave up my attempts at a game face, letting my shoulders sag and that ridiculous dopey grin take over my face. It felt like I spent all day, every day, fighting to keep it off. “He makes me happy,” I sighed lamely.

 

“Good. I’m glad. You deserve it. Have you spent a lot of time together this week?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Pretty much every night. Except one night when I had plans with Alice. But yeah, he’s been over every night. Do you think that’s too much? Are we moving too fast?”

 

Angela shrugged. “Only you can answer that one. Does it feel too fast?”

 

“No, it feels right. I never want him to leave. God, I’m such a sap.”

 

Angela laughed again, “You’re not a sap. You’re in love. It’s adorable.”

 

I snapped out of my stupor at her words, straightening up and scowling a little. “Um, love? I don’t know. We just got together. And things are so…”

 

She just shrugged, cutting me off. “When it’s right, it’s right. All the time in the world won’t change it. I knew Ben was it for me by the end of the first night we met.”

 

I laughed, but I could hear how strained I sounded. Was this love? Already? Was I ready for that? My gut said “bring it on”, but my head was definitely holding the idea at arms’ length. Everything around me was so unsettled. _I_ was so unsettled. Was I really in a place to get so seriously involved with someone? After all, I’d already done that once before—jumped into a serious relationship when I was fragile and my life was in free-fall— and look how that turned out. No matter how crazy Edward made me feel, I had to believe that the smart thing would be to keep this light and easy, at least for now.

 

Dwelling on what Angela had just said wasn’t going to make that any easier to do, though, so I pulled my legal pad full of notes closer and refocused my energy.

 

“That’s the description I wrote up for the Klein’s donation. What do you think?” Angela handed me a print-out with the The Anset Foundation logo across the top.

  
“Sounds good,” I said, after reading her write-up. “That’s another one down. Has Mrs. Kendall firmed up what she’s donating for the auction yet? She’s the last big one that I have on my list as undecided.”

 

“Not yet. Mary was going to call her today and see if she could pin her down.”

 

Despite our combined lack of any actual event-planning experience, Angela and I were somehow, miraculously, pulling off the planning of the charity benefit. It helped that Angela’s predecessor had been extremely organized and left a hefty file about the prior events she’d planned. Angela had gone through that and had the banquet hall, caterer, and band booked before I ever came on board.

 

There were several “big ticket” items on offer in the silent auction, all of them donated by foundation board members or corporate donors. Mary, the president of the foundation, had personally arranged all of those. All that was left for Angela and I to do with them was to write up the item description. The rest of the smaller things up for auction were the ones we arranged. Again, there were records of donors from previous years, so that was easier to manage than I expected. Most of them donated every year to the benefit, so they were expecting my call and were happy to help out.

 

After that, it I was back in familiar territory, writing up item descriptions and editing it all into the program layout. It wasn’t so different than editing a magazine layout, and I was actually kind of enjoying myself. It felt good to be busy again.

 

Angela’s co-workers were great, too. While “The Anset Foundation to Promote Early Childhood Literacy” might sound very impressive, in reality, it was a struggling not-for-profit, like so many others. A scant twenty people worked too many hours for too little money in too-small offices. In general, they’d taken jobs with the Anset Foundation over other, more lucrative career options because the work mattered to them. So, unlike my old office mates, who were mostly miserable drones, showing up and doing time just for the sake of the paycheck, Angela’s co-workers actually liked their jobs, and each other. Office morale was high, and they were all friendly and inviting. Most days, I ate lunch with Angela, but if she happened to be busy, I never wanted for company. There was always someone interesting who wanted to take me someplace fun. It was hardly even like work.

 

At first, I’d hoped that maybe some days I could meet Edward for lunch, until I realized just how big Chicago really was. His practice was in Logan Square, and the Foundation offices were downtown in the Loop. Edward pointed out that it would take all of my lunch hour to get out to him and back. So I resigned myself to seeing him in the evenings, after work. That was probably for the best, anyway. It would be so easy to lose myself in him entirely and let him become the center of my entire life.

 

Angela cleared her throat to get my attention, and I realized with embarrassment that I’d gotten sidetracked thinking about Edward…again.

 

“So, has Alice dragged you out dress-shopping yet?” she asked.

 

“Dress shopping? What for?”

 

“The benefit, of course. You have to come, you know. And it’s formal.”

 

I sat back to look at her. “I’m supposed to actually attend it? Like, all-dressed-up attend?”

 

Angela rolled her eyes. “Of course. It’s the tiny perk we can offer you in exchange for the slave wages you’re working for. Come on,” she coaxed, “it’s actually kind of fun. I mean, yes, we’ll be keeping an eye on things, making sure it all goes off okay. But you’ve seen the donor list. We’ll be swimming in another tax bracket entirely. It’ll be fun. Plus, so many writers come. I’ll introduce you around.”

 

I scoffed softly. “I’d have nothing to say to people like that, Ang.”

 

She waved a hand at me dismissively, “So? Just listen to them talk. That’s all they really want to do, anyway. Alice and Jasper are coming.”

 

“They are?”

 

“You forget about Jasper. They’re regular donors to the Foundation.” She rubbed her fingers together to indicate his inherited wealth. She was right; it was easy to forget Jasper’s money. Outside of the house they lived in, there wasn’t much evidence of it in their daily lives. The house wasn’t even all that ostentatious, but I knew it was outside of the range of an associate professor’s salary.

 

I raised an eyebrow in consideration. If Alice and Jasper would be there, it might be fun. And I knew for a fact that there was an open bar, because I’d booked it.

 

“I’m bringing Ben. You should bring Edward,” Angela urged.

 

Edward? Bring Edward? Would he want to come with me? Probably, right? He’d taken me out to dinner nearly every night this week. He might want to come to one of my things. I flushed with pleasure at the thought that I had “things”- places to be, stuff to do. I’d ask him tonight, I decided. He was coming over (again), but we were staying in tonight so that I could cook for him, for once. I decided that it was the perfect time.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Edward_ **

****

“Nettie, how many more do I have waiting out there?”

 

Nettie shoved another file into my hands and smirked. “Four. Hang in there, Boy Wonder.”

 

I opened my mouth to tell her to quit calling me Boy Wonder, at least in front of my patients, but she was already sauntering back down the hall to the front desk, and I could only smirk at her back. Her pink scrubs covered with Hello Kitties were completely at odds with her snarky personality and fairly advanced years. To be fair, Nettie had known me since I was in grade school. I supposed that I’d always be a boy to her, no matter that my name was on the front door right under my father’s now.

 

Sighing, I rubbed the back of my neck as I skimmed the chart in front of me, trying to catch up quickly before I went in to the patient. I might have had a more prestigious training than my father, but in this respect, he definitely had the edge on me. He’d known these patients for years. Most of the time, he hardly needed to look at the chart. He could recall every illness, surgery and prescription. And it didn’t stop there. He chatted up every one, asking after spouses, children, even next-door-neighbors. His ability to retain all the details of their lives, medical and otherwise, astounded and humbled me. I hoped I could be half the doctor he was some day.

 

The last patients of the day turned out to be pretty straightforward. Just a bunch of walk-ins fighting off the last colds of winter. My father had left early to meet with his lawyer about some loose ends regarding Harold’s retirement, so I had to handle them all on my own. Still, I got through them quick enough, and finally got ready to race back to my parent’s house to shower and change clothes.

 

“Where you headed in such a hurry, Boy Wonder?” Nettie asked as I shrugged into my coat. “You got a hot date?”

  
I paused for a second, considering. “Actually, Nettie, yes, I do.”

 

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

 

“Woo-hoo! Don’t _you_ work fast? You been back in town, what? Two weeks?”

 

I smiled and rolled my eyes at her needling. “Let’s just say that she and I had some history. You okay closing up?”

 

She waved me off dismissively. “I could close this place in my sleep. Clear on out, Hot Stuff. Don’t keep your girl waiting.”

 

I blew her a kiss and she scoffed loudly, as I shot out the door.

 

“Flirting won’t get you anywhere, Boy Wonder!” she called out after me, and I laughed.

 

Thankfully, Dad had left me his car, saving me the endless ride on the L. I really needed to rectify the car situation. And the apartment situation. But things with Bella had blown my life to bits for the past week, and I hadn’t had the time or energy to think about anything else. I pretty much wanted to be by her side every spare minute of my day. Hell, I wanted to be with her during the minutes that I didn’t have to spare, too.

 

As I thought about her and drove, I couldn’t help the stupid grin spreading across my face. It had been overwhelming, consuming, completely crazy, and absolutely fantastic. I felt like I’d been walking around all week with my head about two feet above the rest of my body, in spite of my exhaustion.

 

Private practice in Chicago was supposed to mean an end to sleep-deprivation. I just hadn’t factored in this crazy thing with Bella. First, we were awake half the night, wrapped up in each other, and that part had been _mind-blowing_. But I was also crawling out of bed, and away from her, far too soon every morning. I had to get all the way out to Oak Park to my parents’ place, to shower, change, and get to the practice on time. The last couple of days, I’d tossed some extra clothes in the car so that I could shower at her place and go straight to the office. The logistics were killing me, but I hesitated to suggest leaving clothes at her place. It would certainly make things easier, but it had only been a week. Yes, I felt okay with that, but the last thing I wanted was to move too fast and spook her. And I got the definite feeling that was a real possibility.

 

We’d pretty much blown “going slow” out of the water on our first real date, which was fine with me. Now that we were together, a warm sense of “rightness” had settled over me. Yes, it had moved fast, but I was more than okay with that. I had no reservations. If I were being honest with myself, I felt ready to plunge into a level of intimacy and commitment with Bella that should have scared me. I wasn’t scared, though. I was content. All I wanted was more. More of her, more time, more togetherness. Bella, however… she was never hesitant with me, exactly. I sensed that she wanted to be with me every bit as much as I wanted to be with her. But I had to acknowledge that we were in different places in our lives. I might be ready to take over a drawer in her dresser and leave a toothbrush next to hers, but she might not be, and I wouldn’t push. I needed to let her invite me in, no matter how impatient I felt.

 

I pulled into the drive in front of the house not too much later. I saw my mother’s car in the side drive, so I knew she was home. Calling out to her as I came in the door, I flipped through the mail to see if any of my stuff was being forwarded yet.

 

“Well, well, well. Look what’s turned up,” Mom said from the hall. Her words were scolding, but there was a wry, amused smile on her face. My parents were cool with my “adult activities”, I knew that. But it was still damned awkward facing your mother, knowing she was about to prod you about your sex life.

 

“Hey, Mom. How are you?”

 

“Fine. This is a delightful surprise. Should I set another plate for dinner?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Sorry, Mom, not tonight. Plans.”

 

“Hmmm,” she hummed, suppressing a smile. “Might we get the chance to meet these plans soon? Or are they not the sort of plans you bring home to meet the parents?”

 

I laughed and crossed the foyer to kiss her cheek. “Mom, they’re exactly the kind of plans that I want to introduce to my parents. I mean it this time.”

 

She smiled in earnest now, and laid her hand on the side of my face. “I’m glad. You look happy. Well, you’ve looked happy since you got back from New York, but this past week…it’s different.”

 

I covered her hand with mine and smiled in return, “Yeah, it is. I do want to bring her home, and I will. It’s just…it’s been complicated.”

 

“How complicated could it get in a week?”

 

I reached up to scratch the back of my neck. “Ah…I’ve known her a lot longer than a week.”

 

Mom said nothing; she just cocked an eyebrow at me in question.

 

“I told you; it’s complicated. She’s been through a lot. And this…she and I…it’s been kind of crazy. I want to introduce you, but I don’t want to go too fast. I think she needs a little breathing room.”

 

“You don’t need to explain, Edward. And there’s no pressure. You’re a grown-up and your relationships are your own business. Just know that we’re here when you’re ready.”

 

“Thanks, Mom. You really are the best.”

 

“I know. Your father tells me so every day.”

 

“He’s right.”

 

“Of course he is. Now, sweetheart, this schedule you’re keeping…you must be running yourself ragged.”

 

I sighed and raked a hand through my hair. “You could say that. I’m calling the realtor tomorrow. I need to find an apartment a little closer to the practice. I’m thinking of…um, Wicker Park.”

 

“Wicker Park. I see. Is that where..?”

 

“Bella. Her name is Bella.”

 

Mom blinked at me once, and then smiled softly. “Bella.”

 

I smiled back. Bella’s name made me smile. Hopeless.

 

“Yeah, that’s where Bella lives.”

 

“Wicker Park is lovely,” she finally said. “So many great shops and restaurants.”

 

“It is,” I agreed, although Wicker Park’s many amenities had absolutely nothing to do with why I was so keen to move there.

 

“Have you thought about buying?”

 

“What?” I blinked, trying to follow the shift in conversation.

 

“Buying instead of renting. The market is down. You could get a real deal. And you know, you’ve barely touched your trust. Even if it’s not someplace you think you might stay long-term, buying might be a good investment.”

 

“I hadn’t…I’ve never really thought about buying a place.”

 

“Look, sweetie, I have a little time on my hands tomorrow. Let me call your realtor and see if we can set up some things for you to look at. Rentals and sales both. If you see something you like and it works out, then great. If not, no big loss. Can I help out that way?”

 

“Mom,” I said sincerely, “that would be fantastic. Honestly, the whole thing has been a little overwhelming.”

 

“Then let me pitch in. I’d like to be of help.”

 

“You’re brilliant.” I glanced at my watch. “Um, I kind of have to…”

 

Mom laughed lightly. “Go, go! By all means, don’t keep her waiting. Not when she puts that smile on your face.”

 

I leaned in to kiss her cheek again. “Love you, Mom.”

 

She reached up and grabbed my face. “Uhh! My sweet boy. You have no idea how much I love you.”

 

“Mom…”

 

“I know, I know. Don’t pay me any mind. Having you back home has turned me into a sentimental sap. Go. Get ready for your date.”

 

She let go of me and swatted my arm as she moved past me towards the kitchen, and I laughed before sprinting for the stairs.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Bella_ **

****

_“You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step._

_The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get._

_But you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on_

_‘Cause you can’t go back now….”_

 

The knock on the door cut me off in my sing-along mid-note, and I turned the heat down under the pan before I went to answer. Edward’s face exploded into a smile as soon as I opened the door and I could feel my face answer the same.

 

“Hey, you,” he murmured.

 

“Hey, yourself.”

 

He reached out for my waist, pulling me across the threshold into the mildly chilly night and up against his chest. His head dipped down and his mouth found mine like we were magnets. And that’s exactly how it felt. Magnets. An invisible energy pulling us together. His lips were always so warm and smooth. Even a slow, gentle hello kiss like this one made my stomach clench deliciously and my fingers curl in instinctively. I always wanted to grab and hold him.

 

“Dinner,” I mumbled reluctantly against his mouth. Edward sighed. I smiled and put my hand against his face. He leaned against me automatically.

 

Turning back inside, I pulled him after me. “How was your day?”

 

“Long. Busy. Dad left early, so I handled all the patients this afternoon.”

 

“Sorry. And you didn’t get much sleep last night. You must be dead on your feet.”

 

I reached the stove again, and turned the heat back on before pouring Edward a glass of wine from the bottle I’d opened earlier. He took it from me, but set it down on the counter, pressing up against my back and wrapping his arms around my waist. I felt his breath against the crook of my neck and I leaned back into him. My skin erupted in heat as he brushed my hair to the side.

 

“Believe me, I’ll never complain about that kind of lack of sleep. I’m glad all that conditioning as a resident paid off, if it means I spend my nights like that.”

 

I sighed, closing my eyes as I felt his lips brush the side of my neck. “We’re never eating at this rate.”  Edward straightened abruptly at my words.

 

“What are you making?” he asked, entirely snapped out of his seductive demeanor. It figured food would distract him.

 

“Just a stir-fry. The vegetables looked really good at the market.”

 

“It smells great. You cook, huh?”

 

“Yes, I cook. I mean, this is nothing special. But I like to cook.”

 

“Well, I like to eat. See? Another thing about us that works.”

 

Edward smiled broadly before kissing my cheek. I smiled back and we stood there for a moment, with our ridiculous matching goofy grins, while I cooked and he sipped his wine. He kept one hand on the base of my neck, under my hair, gently massaging my skin with his fingertips. I was trying hard to focus on not burning anything.

 

“It’s kind of cold in here,” he said, apparently noticing my goosebumps, but mistaking the cause. “Are you warm enough?”

 

“It’s always cold in here. It’s all the windows. I’m fine; I just bundle up.”

 

“If it’s this cold in April, you’ll freeze to death in January.”

 

“Hey, be nice to my place.”

 

Edward laughed and leaned in to kiss my cheek again. “Sorry. I like your place. I do. Because you’re here, mostly, but I do like it.”

 

“Anyway, I’m not the one living with my parents.”

 

He chuckled and squeezed my shoulder. “I told you, that’s temporary.”

 

“Uh-huh. Whatever. I bet your mother is doing your laundry for you right now, right?”

 

“Shut up. She offered.”

 

I laughed out loud at that. “I’ll just bet. Why don’t you take your wine to the couch and relax? This is almost done.”

 

Edward assented, and I smiled a minute later to see him reclined back on my couch, eyes closed, looking nearly asleep. A flood of happy contentment washed over me as I turned back to finish our dinner.

 

Once dinner was ready, we settled on my hard red sofa and turned to face each other, plates balanced on our laps. It was a little college, but I didn’t have a dining table and there was no room for one even if I did. I didn’t mind, though. With the music playing and the dim gold glow from the lamps bouncing off the jewel-colored curtains, and Edward’s knee touching mine, it was a perfect little bubble of contentment.

 

“We need to get you a TV soon,” he said, around a bite of food.

 

I huffed in amusement, “Am I boring you already, Edward?”

 

“You could never, ever bore me,” he said with a smirk, reaching out to tuck my hair behind my ear with one finger, “but you live in Chicago now. How am I supposed to turn you into a proper Cubs fan without a TV to watch the games on?”

 

“Cubs. Is that…baseball?”

 

Edward slammed a hand over his eyes dramatically. “We have so much work to do.”

 

“Okay, okay. If it’s that important to you, I’ll get a TV,” I laughed.

 

“I’ll get one for you,” he shrugged absently, not looking up from his plate.

 

“Um, no, you won’t.”

 

“Bella, I’m the one hassling you about it. Let me get you a TV. I promise, I’ll keep it simple. Just your basic flat-screen, hi-def, forty-two-inch masterpiece of modern technology.”

 

“Edward, you can’t…I can’t let you….I just…” I was getting flustered, knowing that this bothered me in some way, but unable to quite articulate why.

 

“Hey,” he said softly, laying a hand on my arm, “It’s no big deal. Buy your own TV. I was just trying to be…I don’t know…chivalrous, or something.”

 

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “You were being great. It’s me. I feel like…I... It’s important to me to really do this on my own. Even the small stuff. Does that make sense?”

 

Edward just smiled at me and gave my arm a squeeze before letting go. “Perfect sense. Just make sure you buy a nice one. Baseball sucks on a tiny screen.”

 

I laughed. and just like that, the weirdness was past. He was so good at putting me at ease.

 

“So, how was your day?” he asked at length. “How’s Angela?”

 

“She’s good. Managing her panic about the benefit remarkably well.” I cleared my throat a little. “Speaking of the benefit, Angela told me today that I’d be going.”

 

“Of course you’ll be there,” he said. “You’re helping to plan it.”

 

“Yeah, but Angela said we’re also going sort of as guests. You know…bringing dates and stuff,” I twirled my fork in my fingers and looked up at him. Edward looked back, the corner of his mouth curling up in a sly, crooked smile.

 

“Bella, are you asking me to be your date to the benefit?”

 

“Shut up,” I grinned, nudging his knee with mine. “Yes. Will you come with me?”

 

“Of course. I’d like to think I’d be sort of an automatic thing.”

 

I shrugged, “I didn’t want to just assume…”

 

Edward reached out and wrapped his free hand around the back of my knee closest to him, rubbing his thumb across my kneecap. “You should assume. I’d kind of like you to assume.”

 

His hand on my knee was making my brain misfire in all kinds of crazy ways, and all I could do was smile and whisper, “Okay. Assumed.”

 

“So,” he continued, letting go of my leg, “it’s formal, right?”

 

I nodded. “Does that mean I get to see you in a tux again?”

 

Edward chuckled. “Does it mean I get to see you in a dress?”

 

“Mmm, much to Alice’s delight.”

 

Edward set his empty plate on the painted chest that served as my coffee table, the one he helped me get home on the day we found each other again. “What’s Alice got to do with your dress?”

 

I set my empty plate next to his. “Well, I need to go buy something, and she’ll want to tag along, for sure. And by ‘tag along’, I mean ‘take over completely’.”

 

Edward slid closer to me on the sofa, stretching his arm back across my shoulders. “I don’t suppose I could convince you to wear the one you wore to her rehearsal dinner, could I? That black one? I have to confess, I’ve thought a lot about that dress, and you in it. Well, ‘thought’ is probably the wrong word to use. ‘Fantasize’ would work better.”

 

Edward’s voice dropped to a lower register as he leaned in. I felt his fingers start to brush my shoulder repetitively. His eyes were half-closed and dark in the low light of the apartment. He was close enough for me to smell him, the intoxicating scent of his skin that always made my mouth water and made me want to lick him.

 

“Sorry,” I murmured, distracted by his proximity, by his softly-glinting green eyes that were pinning mine, by the light scruff on his jaw that I knew would feel prickly against my tongue if I were to give in and actually lick him. Because I’d done that…a few times. He liked it. “That dress didn’t make it out of Seattle with me. Most of my clothes didn’t.”

 

Edward blinked a few times in confusion, pulling back a little. I kept forgetting that as much as I’d told him about Seattle, there were still lots of details that he didn’t know.

 

I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Um, Jay trashed most of my clothes…with a razor. Right after the accident, I think. That dress was one of the casualties.”

 

Edward’s expression froze, and then went bleak. “Shit,” he whispered. “God, Bella, I’m sorry.”

 

I reached out for him, putting my hands on either side of his neck, trying to nudge his jaw up with my thumbs. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s just a lousy thing that happened.”

 

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, his arm sliding down behind me and pulling me closer. “I know. It’s just when I think of you so close to that situation…” His other hand found my right wrist and his thumb began to brush over the scar on the inside of my arm. “…how close you came to never making it here…It just drives me a little crazy.”

 

“Edward, don’t dwell on it. I’m trying not to. It’s past.”

 

He sighed and pulled me even closer. I let him fold me in his embrace, his arms tight around my waist, his face buried in the crook of my neck. He did this frequently. Yes, there was the kind of heated touching that made me lose my mind, but he also just held me like this a lot, tight and close. I loved it. It made me feel warm and safe and just…close to him, in a way that was different than sex. I rubbed my hands through the hair on the back of his head, down his neck, across his shoulders, and back up, while he just held me and breathed his warm breath into my hair. I could stay here for the rest of my life, I thought, with my eyes closed.

 

“You feel good,” I whispered next to his ear. He exhaled hard, a little shaky.

 

“You _always_ feel good,” he murmured in return, and I knew that tone of voice. We were past the comfort and on to arousal.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked anyway.

 

He chuckled and pulled back enough to see my face. His free hand was running up and down my thigh. Somehow we’d shifted around enough that he was leaning into me, in between my legs. “I’m supposed to be asking that question.”

 

I shrugged. “You were upset.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’m better now.” He dipped his head, bypassing my mouth in favor of the side of my neck. I sighed and tipped my head back. He tugged on my thigh to pull my hips closer to his. “Speaking of social engagements…”

 

“We were?”

 

“A while ago, yes.”

 

“Okay. Go on,” and I meant speaking and kissing, because his lips under my ear were making me breathe hard.

 

“My parents want to meet you.”

 

“Huh?” I sat up a little bit, blinking to clear my head.

 

“I am staying there right now, so they’ve noticed. You know…that I’m pretty much _not_ staying there right now. And they want to meet you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Edward sat back, too, looking at me intently. “Are you…is that okay?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” I said, nodding absently, even though the idea of meeting his parents was sparking the beginnings of a minor anxiety attack in my chest. “It’s nice that they want to meet me.”

 

Edward tightened his grip on my thigh again, urging me closer to him. “They can tell that you’re important to me.”

 

And then I sighed. Because that was the important part. Yes, I was nervous about meeting his parents, and moving this relationship out of this perfect little bubble of seclusion we’d been in for the past week, but I wasn’t nervous about Edward at all. This…the two of us together, was what was important. Yes, the sex, but everything else, too; the talking and the holding.

 

“I’m glad I am,” I whispered, cupping the back of his neck and pulling his face to mine. His lips met mine and he was hovering over me in an instant. After all, he’d been sort of feeling me up for fifteen minutes now— he was more than ready to go. Tugging me down until I was lying underneath him, he settled in between my legs, and his tongue pushed into my mouth, flicking against mine. I arched up into him and his hand slid up my ribcage to cup my breast.

 

I pushed my hips up into his, hooking my calves around his. He groaned. “Jesus, Bella…”

 

His thumb scraped my nipple through my clothes and it made me groan, too. I twisted my fingers into his hair as he kissed me long and deep. He slowly pushed his hips against mine over and over. I was writhing underneath him, getting so wound up, and we were both still fully dressed. But this was how it was with Edward. It was like my body was always in a slow burn, the flames banked, just until he touched me, and then I erupted.

 

He sat up just long enough to strip my sweater off over my head before he fell back on me again. Slipping his fingers underneath me, he unhooked my bra before sliding the straps down my arms. The crisp cotton of his dress shirt scraped against my bare nipples and I sighed.   
  


“Your couch is so fucking uncomfortable,” he murmured against my ear.

 

I chuckled in spite of how turned on I was. “Tell me about it. I’m the one on the bottom.”

 

He laughed, too, before sitting back and pulling me to a sitting position facing him.   
  


“Then let’s move this someplace a little softer, hmm?”

 

He reached down underneath me, my legs still wrapped around his waist. The world tilted around me as he abruptly stood up, bringing me with him. I squealed and grabbed on to his shoulders to steady myself, and he laughed. Leaning in, I planted little kisses on his neck as he carried me back to the bed. And then I licked his jaw. It made him moan.

 

Edward hit the bed and fell forward, bracing himself on his hands to keep from squashing me, but I pulled him down on top of me anyway.

 

“I like it when you lay on me,” I whispered. “It feels good.”

 

He hissed through his teeth and started trying to strip me out of my jeans, just as I tried to wrestle him out of his shirt. We gave up on each other after a second, and took care of our own clothes, because it was faster. In moments he was stretched over me, pulling my knee up, his mouth devouring mine as he pushed into me. I moaned into his mouth as he rocked, settling all the way in. He shivered against me, both from the chill of the air on his bare skin and from this…the sensation of us together. I pulled the corner of the faded old quilt I’d found in a thrift store up over his back, and he shrugged us both underneath it. He slid in and out of me in slow, deep strokes, never looking away from my eyes. His hands were hooked around my shoulders, holding me still as he pushed himself into me, over and over. I writhed slightly underneath him, stretched taught and anxious, needing some other touch to bring me over the edge and not being able to find it.

 

Edward’s hands locked onto my hips and he rolled, bringing me over on top of him. The blanket slid down, forgotten, around us. Lips next to my ear, he whispered, “I like you laying on me, too.”

 

I smiled and sat up, folding my legs alongside his hips, shifting a little to take him deeper. Edward arched slightly up off the bed and he groaned, thumbs digging into my hip bones.

 

“You’re beautiful like this,” he murmured.

 

And I felt beautiful: sexy, sensual, powerful, cherished. I slid my hands up his chest to his shoulders, bracing myself as I started to move over him. His breathing picked up, his hands moving my hips to match his pace. I pushed against him over and over, slow and deep, and the build escalated again. My thighs burned with it and I felt the heaviness deep in my belly. My skin tingled with anticipation and need.

 

“Edward…” I whimpered, leaning forward, grinding myself down onto him.

 

“Baby, yes…” he breathed, eyes falling closed as his hips pushed up into me. His head tipped back and I stared at the V of the underside of his jaw, the hard slope of his neck, and the bulge of tendons as he strained underneath me.

 

One of Edward’s hands slid around in between us, touching me just where I needed him. I gasped. Everything inside me clenched and he inhaled sharply.

 

“Fuck…”

 

His fingers pressed harder and it pushed me over the edge. I fell apart around him. Grabbing my hips again, holding me steady, he thrust up into me twice more and groaned as he came. I held myself up on his shoulders, winded, arms nearly boneless.

 

“Come here,” he murmured hoarsely, pulling me down against him. I collapsed, curling up on his chest. His lips pressed my hair. With one hand, he pulled the quilt back up over us, and then brought his arms around me again, holding me tight against him.

 

And that’s where we stayed for the rest of the night, touching, talking in low voices, coming together again when our energy returned, and finally sleeping, every part of us intertwined.

 

*0*0*

 

**A/N:**

*The song Bella was singing along to while she cooked was Can’t Go Back Now by The Weepies. If you want to hear it, I have a playlist for The Wedding Party on my profile nd it’s on that.

 

I’m fully aware that nothing much of note happens in this chapter. I just felt that they deserved a little more time to play before things ramp up again. J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Big Days

**  
**

****

**_Bella_ **

 

“Hello, Mr. Warner, Mrs. Warner! I’m so happy you could make it tonight!” Angela enthused, as a well-dressed older couple entered the ballroom. Discreetly, I glanced at the clipboard on the table next to me and made a tiny tick next to their names. Another well-heeled donor in attendance. So far, the turn-out was impressive. The event had barely begun, and it was already going well. I felt a flush of pride, both for myself and for Angela.

 

Angie pointed the Warners towards a table across the room and turned to me, barely suppressing her satisfied smile. I grinned back. We rocked. After the Warners had departed, smiling, into the crowd, champagne flutes in hand, Angela let out a huge sigh.

 

“I feel a thousand pounds lighter,” she said.

 

“I know! It’s coming together perfectly. You should be so proud, Angie.”

 

“Oh, Bella, I couldn’t have done any of this without you, and you know it. I owe you for life.”

 

 I scoffed softly and waved a hand at her. “Ange, you gave me something to do when I desperately needed it. So let’s call it even.”

 

She laughed and threw an arm around me. We stood side by side for a few minutes, watching the flow of elegant bodies around us, and the hum and chatter of a good party.   
  


“Have you seen our boys?” she asked, looking around the room. “I feel bad for ditching them as soon as we got here.”

 

“They knew it was a working date,” I pointed out, but I stood on tip-toe to scan the crowd for them anyway. It didn’t take long to find Edward. He was taller than almost everyone around him. Clearing my throat, I swallowed my swoony sigh. I really loved how tall he was. And the tux…there were no words for how good it looked on him. “There they are.”

 

Angela craned to look. Edward was standing clustered with Jasper and Ben. All three of them were politely listening to the story Alice was relating, her hands waving animatedly. When she reached her dénouement, they all obediently laughed in appreciation.

 

“We should rescue them. I bet Alice is making them talk about Project Runway again. Are we good here?”

 

Angela glanced at our guest list. “Almost everyone who r.s.v.p’d is here, so I think our head count is pretty accurate. If we miss a few late-comers, it’s not a big deal. Let’s go actually enjoy this party we threw.”

 

We wove through the crowd, stopping now and then when Angela had to say hello or thank someone for coming. I surreptitiously smoothed down my dress. In the end, Alice had indeed taken me shopping for it. She knew all the best stores, so it only made sense. But I surprised her with how specific I was in my search, since in the past, I’d never really cared. “It’s got to be black,” I’d told her definitively. She’d trotted out a few floor-length sheaths, and I shot them all down immediately. “Knee-length,” I’d told her. “And silk. Touchable.” She’d huffed in exasperation, but eventually, she’d found me a dress. It was black, silk, shimmery, and showed off lots of skin. It was a pretty decent stand-in for my lost rehearsal dinner dress, and I knew I’d gotten it right when I’d opened the door to Edward earlier tonight. His face stilled, his eyes grew dark and he didn’t say anything at all for several long moments. If we hadn’t had someplace really important to be, I was sure we’d have never made it out of the apartment. As it was, I think I was almost looking forward to the after-party events more than the actual party.

  
Angela and I continued to make our way through the crowd. I kept my eyes on Edward’s profile, and almost as if he could feel me watching, he turned in my direction when we were about twenty feet away. His face lit up in a soft smile and I felt my chest clench. I wondered if he would ever stop having that effect on me. I really hoped not.

 

When I was close enough, Edward reached out a hand, his palm laying flat on my hip and sliding around the small of my back, until I was tucked up in the crook of his arm. He smiled down at me and I smiled too, a bubble of intimacy immediately descending over us.

 

“Do you want a drink?” he asked.

 

“God, yes. As soon as a server comes by.”

 

“You guys really outdid yourselves,” Alice said. “Everything looks amazing.”

  
Angela sighed as Ben rubbed her back between her shoulder blades. “It’s such a relief to finally have it underway. Thank God for Bella.”

 

“Team effort,” I said with a smile.

 

“Well, whoever’s responsible for the food knocked it out of the park,” Ben said, “Those little puffy things with the crabmeat are fantastic. I think I ate about a dozen.”

 

A white-shirted server moved past us, and Edward snagged a couple of champagne flutes for Angela and me.

 

“To successful partnerships,” Angela said, angling her flute at me. I clinked it with my own before taking a sip.

 

“Thank you guys so much for coming tonight,” Angela said to Alice after a moment. “I mean, I know you’re donors, but it’s so good to have a few friendly faces here.”

 

“Of course, Ange,” Alice said brightly, “We love the benefit. Plus, there’s no way I’d miss Bella and Edward’s coming-out party.”

 

“Alice!”

 

“What?” she blinked. “It’s true. It’s like your first official date.”

 

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and glanced up at Edward. He didn’t look the least bit uncomfortable. On the contrary, he was trying to suppress a smile, and I felt his fingers start to trace little patterns on the small of my back, like he was trying to put me even more on edge.

 

“Alice, we’ve been on a lot of dates at this point,” I said quietly.

 

“Not where other people could see you. Not where _I_ could see you. So now this makes it official: you guys are a couple. And you’re so cute together.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for that awkward moment, Alice.”

 

She just laughed. I felt Edward chuckle and lean down to whisper in my ear. “Do you have a problem with the label?”

 

“You know I don’t,” I murmured back. I turned my head a little to look at him. “Just…I could have done without Alice drawing the attention of the entire room to it.”

 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “The way you look in that dress, I think I’m more than happy to have you publicly labeled as ‘taken’.”

 

“How very enlightened of you, Edward.”

 

“Hey, I’m a guy. And you’re gorgeous. And if you think I’m the only guy in this room to have noticed that fact, then you’re deluded. I’m not above a little claim-staking.”

 

I sighed, inexplicably aroused by his caveman tendencies. He made a little sound and shifted his weight until he was pressing into my back and breathing down my neck. His hand curled around my hip, his fingers rubbing softly through the fabric of my dress. I leaned back into him.

 

“Before you two start making out, how about we find our seats?” Alice’s voice burst our little moment like a bubble popping. Edward chuckled and slid his fingertips down the inside of my arm until he was holding my hand.

 

“Actually, Bella and I should probably check in with Mary one more time, before the auction starts,” Angela said.

 

Right. Work. The reason I was here. I shook myself out of my Edward-coma and gave his fingers a brief squeeze. “Back soon,” I promised, before Angela and I left to go find Mary.

 

Once again, Angela was stopped every few feet to greet someone. She introduced me to everyone, although they were admittedly becoming something of a blur. I recognized the names from the guest list, but keeping all the faces straight was a challenge. We finally reached Mary, and she assured us that she had the auction portion of the evening completely in hand. This was the part where she got to schmooze with all the wealthy donors to the foundation, and I think she didn’t want Angela and me there to steal any of her thunder. That was fine with me. Neither one of us was particularly comfortable with public speaking. We’d done the work pulling the night together, and now we were both happy to relinquish the floor to Mary and let her pull in the attention and accolades.

 

“Hey,” Angela said, snagging my elbow as we wove back through the crowd to our seats, “There’s somebody here that you’ve just _got_ to meet. It’ll just take a second.”

 

I let her pull me along until we reached her destination. A middle-aged woman with long black hair shot through with silver was talking to a younger, short-haired woman. The younger woman was wearing a short, sparkling sheath dress, but the older woman had taken a rather liberal stance to the whole “formal dress” part of the evening. She was wearing a dress, to be sure, but there wasn’t much formal about it. It was a bright purple, rather shapeless silk sheath that fell nearly to her ankles. Over it, she wore a long, boxy jacket made up of multi-colored, patchworked velvets.

 

“I’m telling you, Cathy, you’ve really got to go with me next year. I’m gonna make you promise,” the older woman was saying as we approached.

 

The younger woman held up her hands, laughing. “Alright, alright, I promise! I have to find Keith now. Talk to you next week?”

 

The younger woman left, and Angela stepped forward seamlessly into her space. Angela was so much more self-assured socially than she’d been in Seattle; it was like she’d spent all her life in this setting. I’d always loved her, but I was blown away all over again getting to know the grown-up, Chicago version of her.

 

“Ms. Walsh?” she said.

 

The dark-haired woman eyed her shrewdly. “Angela Webber. I thought we’d been through all that ‘Ms. Walsh’ nonsense already,” she said. Her voice was low and gravelly, sounding like a lifetime of cigarettes and hard living.

 

Angela laughed, “Right. I forgot. I wanted to introduce you to a friend. Didyme Walsh, this is my friend from Washington, Bella Swan. Bella, this is Didyme Walsh. She edits The Chicago Lantern.”

 

I blinked a few times at the flood of interesting information. The Chicago Lantern…it was an elegant little literary journal, highlighting writers from the Midwest. I remembered the name from my days at _New Moon_ , when I followed that kind of thing. I had a million things I wanted to ask her about that. But there was something else…

 

“Didyme Walsh?” I asked, as the unusual name slotted into place in my brain, “You wrote _Reflections on Anarchy_ , right?”

 

Didyme blinked back at me for a moment, before throwing her head back and letting out a throaty bark of laughter. “Holy shit, you’ve _read_ _Reflections on Anarchy_?”

 

I laughed a little, “Yeah, I read it in college. It totally blew my mind. It’s really…I’m so thrilled to meet you, Ms. Walsh.”

 

She scoffed and waved a hand at me. “Please. I’m nobody to make a fuss over. And the same rule goes for you. No more ‘Ms. Walsh’, please. I’m far too crude for those kinds of niceties.”

 

“Didyme, then,” I amended.

 

She made a face, “That’s too much of a mouthful, too, in addition to being a ridiculous name. Everybody calls me Dida.”

 

I grinned. “Okay, then. Dida. It’s _still_ an honor to meet you.”

 

“Well, Bella, I’m glad I could provide your cheap thrill for the night,” she chuckled. “Wait a minute. Angie says she knows you from Washington?”

 

“That’s right, “Angela interjected, “we both grew up in Forks, and we went to U Dub together, too.”

 

Dida tapped a finger on her chin for a minute as if she was thinking. “Bella Swan from University of Washington. _New Moon_. Was that you?”

 

Now it was my turn to blink in disbelief. “You’ve heard of _New Moon_?”

 

She shrugged and swept a hand through her long hair, making the myriad of silver bracelets lining her arms tinkle softly. “The world of erudite niche literary journals is a very small one. I’ve pretty much heard of them all. And _New Moon_ has a good reputation. The odd issue has made its way across my desk over the years. They do good work. Quite above the usual college offerings.”

 

“That was all Bella,” Angela supplied helpfully.

 

“Ange,” I protested softly. “You know I haven’t had anything to do with the magazine in years.”

 

“Yes, but you set the standard. It was your vision. If they’re still getting it right today, it’s only because you dictated the mandate in the beginning.”

 

“Wait,” Dida interrupted, holding up a hand heavy with silver rings. “You _founded_ _New Moon_? Well, that’s a different thing. And so very interesting.”

 

I stammered awkwardly and cast a pleading glance at Angela, but she only smiled serenely back at me. “Um, yeah, I did. In college. But I only ran it for a year and a half, and then I turned it over to the department. I haven’t…”

 

“That’s quite an impressive vision for someone in college,” Dida said, eyeing me closely.

 

“Well, I just…” I was about to bring the whole line of conversation to a halt and change the subject, like I always did, but then I decided, what the hell? She seemed to want to know. And, after all, it _was_ something to be proud of, even if it was a long time ago. So I opened my mouth and started talking. “I was in the creative writing program there, and there were just no good outlets for getting your work seen. Everybody bitched about it, but I decided to see if I could do something about it. You’d be amazed at what kind of grant money is available to college students with crazy ideas. So, yeah…we founded a magazine. And once it was up and running, it seemed a shame to keep it confined just to the writers in our program. The Pacific Northwest was full of amazing writers just looking for a forum. So I opened up our mission. And you know, it was just a waste, all that great writing only being read by a handful of U Dub students, so I focused on distribution, making sure we got as many issues in as many hands as possible.”

 

I stopped short and blushed. Wow, could I have spilled any more of my guts to a complete stranger? But something happened when I started talking about New Moon again— some kind of burning energy started in my chest. I could remember, for the first time in years, how excited I’d been about it once. Then I opened my mouth and that flood of excessive information poured out. But Dida didn’t look put-off by my word vomit. She was actually smiling.

 

“Aren’t you the little go-getter?” she smirked, but it was a teasing question, not condescending.

 

I smiled and shrugged. Of course, _now_ I was out of words. “It was a long time ago,” I murmured, my standard fall-back statement.

 

“So what do you do now?” she pressed.

 

“Um…this,” I laughed awkwardly, waving a hand at the room. I felt pressed to explain when she only looked puzzled. “I was helping Angela plan the benefit, but that was just temporary. I’ve just relocated to Chicago and I’m a little at loose ends right now.”

 

“What are you writing?” Dida asked, as if it were the most natural question in the world, like asking what I had for lunch.

 

“Oh…nothing. I don’t write anymore. Not for a long time.”

 

Her expressive black eyebrows pitched up sharply. “So what were you doing in Seattle?”

 

I snorted in mild disgust. “Nothing worth mentioning. Wasting time, apparently.”

 

She looked intense, but didn’t press, for which I was grateful. She was brash and a little abrupt, but she was also remarkably easy to talk to. I was enjoying this chat more than any of the other polite conversations I’d had tonight, and I wished I had more of interest to say.

 

Dida sniffed and shifted her weight. “Okay, so you’re not writing. What are you reading?”

 

I smiled a little and looked around the room. Amongst book-lovers like us, that was a loaded question. This is where I laid my literary tastes on the line. If they didn’t align with hers, this conversation would quickly devolve into a little polite chit-chat and then end. Hell, there was no use trying to impress her. I wasn’t really in a place in my life to aspire to any literary pretensions. I was too far out of the loop to know what the “fashionable reads” were, so I decided on plain honesty.

 

“The best thing I’ve read recently was _Drifting Downhill_ by Scott Chisholm.”

 

Dida’s face lit up with appreciation. “Ahhh, that was a nice one. And a bit off the radar. How’d you find it?”

 

I instantly warmed to the subject. “He’s from Portland, and we published a few of his short stories in New Moon back in the beginning. I thought he had amazing potential. A really original voice. He had some work to do, but it seems like he’s been working hard these last few years. I was blown away when I read the book. Every bit as good as I always thought he could be.”

 

“Oh, so he was one of yours, then?”

 

I shrugged, suddenly feeling awkward for taking any sort of credit for Scott’s achievement. “We just published some of his stuff.”

 

“Bella,” Angela’s soft voice suddenly broke into our conversation, “You know as well as I do how much time you spent with Scott; how many of his re-writes you read.”

 

I smiled but said nothing.   
  


“Hey,” Angela continued, “I’m going to go find Ben. Do you mind?”

 

“Do you need to get back to someone, Bella, or can you stay and chat?” Dida asked, “I swear, it’s fucking impossible to find someone at one of these things to talk books with.”

 

“I’ll tell Edward where you are,” Angela said, giving my elbow a nudge, clearly wanting me to stay and talk. And I wanted to stay and talk, so it wasn’t hard to convince me.

 

“Alright,” I said to Dida with a smile, “but you have to tell me about the last three chapters of _Reflections on Anarchy_. I just _know_ there’s a story behind them.”

 

“Oh, Christ, I’ll need a drink before we dive into that.”

 

“Here, let me get us some champagne.” I moved to flag down a server.

 

Dida clamped her hand down around my arm and swung me around towards the back of the room where the bar was set up. “Fuck champagne. This requires whiskey!”

 

I laughed and let her drag me back to the bar.

 

It was well over an hour before we came up for air. Dida was fascinating. She’d been everywhere; she knew everyone. She was a walking encyclopedia of modern American literature. She had been a member, albeit a minor one, of the Chicago Collective back in the seventies. They’d all gone through University of Chicago at about the same time. They’d all been friends, frequently collaborating and influencing each other. The name was bestowed on them by one prominent reviewer at the time, and it just stuck. Members of the Collective had scattered across the world, and as a group, they’d been remarkably successful— as writers, but also editors and literary critics. On of them had even become a very successful screenplay writer in Hollywood. I couldn’t believe I was actually hanging out drinking with one of them. The Chicago Collective had been almost mythic to us as undergrads.

 

I wanted to feel intimidated by the sheer weight of her experiences, but she didn’t allow that. She was so earthy and real; there was absolutely no pretension or mystique about her. She was sarcastic, a little crude, incredibly smart, and wickedly funny. I was half-in-love with her by the end of the night.

 

Partway through our lengthy conversation, I simply forgot to be impressed by her. We were just trading stories, sharing the books that we loved, blasting the ones that we hated. We were different personalities, but our taste in reading lined up to a remarkable degree. She’d read more, of course. She was fully immersed in the literary life, while I was just standing on the sidelines at this point. But she was generous with her recommendations. Within the hour, I felt like my new to-be-read list would take me six months to get through.

 

It surprised me that she was so easy to talk to, that I wasn’t awed into silence. It might have had something to do with the fact that she was systematically getting me drunk. Every time I glanced down, my glass had been mysteriously refilled with Maker’s Mark. I was trying to go slow, but keeping up with Dida was about to bury me. The woman could seriously hold her liquor.

 

“Did you read _Children of Gomorrah_?” she asked, squinting at me through one eye and gesturing with her highball glass. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the bartender re-filling my glass _again_.

 

“Ughhh!” I rolled my eyes dramatically, “I _hated_ that book!”

  
She snorted in agreement. “She could have used a plot, huh? And maybe a little character development, just for fun.”

 

“It was awful!” I continued, “Every character was completely unsympathetic, and her anglophilia was so masturbatory. Did you notice that? All the pointless English references? What was the author’s name again?”

  
“Julia Phillips.”

 

“Right. How could I forget? With so many great writers going unread, seeing a book like that get published just depresses me.”

 

Dida snorted and leaned closer to me. “You know how she got that piece of trash published, don’t you?”

 

I felt my eyes widen in anticipation and I shook my head, taking another completely unnecessary sip of my drink.

 

“She’s sleeping with one of the senior editors at Macmillan,” Dida said matter-of-factly.

 

“No!”

 

“Ohhh, yes,” Dida chuckled, “He’s married, too. With kids.”

 

“Oh, my God!”

 

“I _know_. And although I feel for his wife and kids, and I acknowledge that it’s a tragedy, I gotta say, the greater tragedy is that his untamed dick allowed that monstrosity of a novel to be unleashed upon the world.”

 

I couldn’t contain my laughter. Within seconds, Dida had joined me.

 

“Oh!” Dida gasped, “I just remembered something…he’s British!”

 

I pointed at her as I caught on. “That’s where the stupid anglophilia comes from! She loves his British dick!”

 

Dida howled in laughter, and so did I, until a familiar throat-clearing made me spin away from her. Edward was standing just behind me, looking highly amused. Oh, God, he just heard me screeching about British dicks, didn’t he? I would have blushed if I was more sober. For the first time in hours, I glanced around me. The auction was over; everyone was milling around, finishing their cocktails and preparing to leave. I’d ignored Edward all night. I felt terrible.

 

“Edward,” I said, my voice coming out as more of a squeak. “I’m so sorry. I got caught up talking to Dida and I lost all track of time.”

 

The corner of his mouth hitched up in amusement, and he cocked an eyebrow at me. He didn’t seem annoyed, even though he had every right to be. “Dida?” he asked.

 

“Oh, sorry! Edward! This is Dida. Didyme Walsh. She wrote this amazing book. I’ll show you when we get home. Shit…I don’t have a copy anymore. Anyway, I’ll order it for you. You _have_ to read it. Yeah…so…Dida, this is Edward, my boyfriend.”

 

I flinched as my word vomit trailed off. Damn. I’d had way more to drink than I thought. Ugh, how embarrassing. I needed to shut up and get out of here. And I think I just called Edward my boyfriend out loud for the first time. I wished I’d been sober for that.

 

Edward just smiled and politely extended his hand towards Dida. She grasped it, and his face registered surprise at the ferocity of her grip. “Hey there, Edward.”

 

“Did Alice and Jasper already go? Angela is still here, right?”

 

Edward laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Relax. Yes, Alice and Jasper left. Yes, Angela is still here, but she swears she doesn’t need your help. Stay and talk as long as you’d like.”

 

I sighed as the alcohol caught up to me. “No, I should go. It’s been a long day. Dida, it was so great to meet you.”

 

“Girl, we haven’t begun to talk books,” she growled, before tossing back the rest of her drink, “Come down to the Lantern on Monday and have lunch with me.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah, of course. The Lantern isn’t much to see, but I’ll show you around.”

 

“Um, yeah, that would be great. Do you want to text me the address?”

 

She snorted ungracefully, “I don’t do texting. I only barely do email, and only because I have to. Fuck, I still _write_ long-handed!”

 

“Oh, okay…um…” I fluttered my hands helplessly as I tried to think where I could find a pen. Of course, I had nothing with me, not even my tiny useless handbag, which was sitting abandoned on a chair somewhere.

 

Edward cleared his throat softly and held a pen out in front of my face. I looked up at him in question.

 

“I’m a doctor. It’s habit. I always have a pen.”

 

I smiled at him before I took it. Dida gave me the address of The Chicago Lantern offices, which I wound up scrawling on the inside of my forearm. We set a time, which seemed crazy-late for lunch, but Dida was nonplussed.

 

“It was good to meet you, Bella. And Edward,” Dida said with a sly smile, “I’m going to go round up Angela and thank her for the invite.”

 

“I really had fun talking to you. I’ll see you Monday,” I said sincerely. She tipped her head in acknowledgement, and sailed away through the crowd.

 

I let out a long exhale watching her go. “She was _amazing_.”

 

Edward chuckled and reached out to slip his arm around my shoulders. “Did you enjoy your conversation?”

 

I was hit with another wave of guilt. Poor Edward. I’d wandered off to talk to someone, and completely abandoned him for the night. I was such an asshole.

 

“Edward, I am _so_ sorry about that.”

 

He leaned back a little and scowled at me in confusion. “What are you sorry for?”

 

“That!” I gestured in the direction that Dida had gone. “I got all wrapped up in talking with Dida and I left you on your own for the whole night! That was awful of me.”

 

“Bella, I knew where you were,” he said patiently. “Angela told me she’d introduced you to an editor and you’d really hit it off. I’m glad you guys had such a good conversation.”

 

“But…” I stammered, searching his face, looking for the lingering resentment or hurt feelings that I was sure I’d see there, “I should have come to find you. I was so rude.”

 

He scoffed softly. “Bella, stop. I checked on you once, and you guys were completely absorbed in your conversation. You looked like you were really enjoying yourself. There was no way I was going to drag you away from that.”

 

“But…”

 

“Stop!” he laughed, pulling me in against his chest, “You didn’t abandon me. I sat with Jasper and Alice. We had a really nice time. I’m a big boy; I can entertain myself. Besides, I ran into some people I know through my parents, and had a good conversation. I was just fine. Believe it or not, it made me happy to see you happy. Now, will you quit worrying about it?”

 

“Are you sure you’re not mad?”

 

He leaned in and kissed me lightly. “Not even a little bit.”

 

Comparing Edward to anyone was bad; wrong, and not fair to him. Whenever those thoughts crossed my mind, I forced them away, and made myself stop thinking in those terms. But in that moment, I just couldn’t help but marvel at the contrast between Edward and Jay. Jay, even when we were new and he was healthy, would have never been okay sitting quietly on the sidelines, letting me have my moment. He would have felt threatened by anyone who drew my attention away from him. He would have been angry at being left on his own all night. But Edward was completely unconcerned. No, that wasn’t right. He cared about me. He kept track of where I was and what I was up to, but he was also okay with backing off and giving me space to do my thing. And there wasn’t a trace of resentment towards Dida for monopolizing my attention so completely, or towards me for paying attention to someone who wasn’t him. He was simply happy to see me happy.

 

It was such an uncomplicated equation, really. He cared about me, so what was good for me was just good— end of story.

 

“You really are amazing, you know that?” I said, tilting my head back to smile up at him.

 

He smiled back, warm and intimate. “I’m glad you think so, but what prompted that?”

 

I shook my head a little, “Nothing. Just…realizing some stuff. Good stuff.”

 

“Alright. As long as it’s good. Are you ready to go?”

 

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah, Dida sort of drank me under the table.”

 

Edward chuckled and muttered, “Yeah, her and that asshole bartender.”

 

“Huh? Who?”

 

He just shook his head and pressed his lips to my forehead, lingering there for a minute. “Nothing, baby.”

 

He kept his arm around me as we made our way to the exit. I ran into Angela, also on her way out, and she assured me that all the little details had come off without a hitch. All our vendors had done their jobs to the letter, and there was nothing left for us to do but to reconvene in Angela’s office later in the week to start writing up the thank-you letters for the donors.

 

Angela kissed my cheek and thanked me again before I brushed off her gratitude. Edward tugged on my hand and I waved goodnight to her and Ben, letting him lead me downstairs to the parking garage.

 

By the time the car started moving, I was nearly asleep. I managed to stay awake, but only barely. I certainly didn’t maintain any sort of conversation. But Edward didn’t press. He just drove and hummed along softly to the radio until we got back to my place. He insisted on keeping his arm around my waist all the way up the wooden stairs, even though we really didn’t fit two abreast like that. No matter; it just gave me a reason to press myself against him shamelessly, which I loved doing.

 

I let us in and I felt his arms slide around my waist from behind as his lips pressed against the back of my neck. I let out a long, shuddering breath. Pulling me up against his chest, Edward whispered in my ear, his breath making my skin prickle.

 

“The hardest part of the night was watching you in this dress without being able to touch you properly.”

  
My head fell back against his shoulder and I moaned. He slid a hand up my rib cage to brush against the underside of my breast.

 

“If I had to watch that goddamned bartender leer at you one more time, I swear I was going to level him,” he growled softly against my skin.

 

I laughed and pulled away slightly, although Edward didn’t really let me move too far. “What are you talking about?”

 

“He didn’t stop looking at you all night.”

 

“He didn’t? Hmm. I didn’t notice. I don’t even remember seeing him.”

 

“Yeah, poor bastard. He didn’t try anything because he never could get your attention. So I didn’t have a good reason to go kick his ass.”

 

Edward sounded so matter-of-fact about something I hadn’t even seen; it made me laugh again.

 

“Honestly, Edward, I didn’t see him. And you know it wouldn’t have mattered even if I did see him, right?”

 

I felt him bury his face into my hair. “I know that, too,” he murmured. His hands slid across my torso, fingers sliding over black silk, until he was gripping my hips, his fingers curling in around my hipbones through the fabric. His teeth replaced his lips on my neck, and I moaned.

 

With a nudge, he began to walk me forward towards my bed. One hand came up to my shoulder, pushing the strap of my dress down my arm. His tongue traced its path. Just as I reached the edge of the bed, I twisted in his grip, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling his head down to mine.

 

“Nobody matters but you,” I whispered before his mouth closed over mine. I could feel him tense and stiffen under my hands, holding himself in check as we kissed. His hands fisted into the silk of my dress until it pulled taught around me. It was expensive, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to rip it- shred it off my body. But Edward instead made his hands relax until he was cradling my back, lowering me down to the mattress, all the while kissing me like it was the last thing he’d ever do.

 

When I hit the mattress, he released my mouth, moving his lips down my neck as his fingers scrambled across my back looking for a zipper. I sighed and arched into him as his tongue traced my collarbone. And then….I yawned. I tried to stifle it, I really did. But the release of my nerves coupled with all the liquor was leaving me nearly incoherent.

 

“Am I boring you, Bella?” he chuckled, the vibration racing across my skin.

 

“God, I’m sorry, Edward. I’ve just had so much to drink…”

 

“No, I shouldn’t...not when you’re this drunk. I just wasn’t thinking. Your dress made me a little crazy.”

 

“No!” I protested, trying to pull him back down on me as he started to sit up. “I really do want to. You feel so good.”

 

Edward chuckled and leaned back down to speak into my ear, “You feel good, too. It feels good to kiss you and touch you and taste you. And it feels _really_ good to be inside you, and I _love_ hearing the sounds you make. And I’ll do all of it. Tomorrow.”

 

I wanted to change his mind, but I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, so arguing was difficult. Edward reared up off the bed and returned a moment later with a glass of water and a couple of Advil.

 

“Come on, beautiful. Sit up and drink.”

 

I did so, leaning on his shoulder as I took the pills and drank the water. Edward reached behind me and slid my zipper down.

 

“Mmm, I had such fantasies about stripping you out of this dress tonight. They didn’t go quite like this.”

 

“Sorry I’m such a lush.”

 

“It’s okay. I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow. You can make it up to me then.”

 

Edward finished slipping the dress off me and gently lowered me to the bed. My eyes fluttered closed and I was out until, some time later, I felt the bed dip and his long, warm body slid up against my back. His arm curled around my waist and his face nuzzled into my hair.

 

“Sleep, Bella,” he murmured. I sighed and unconsciousness began to claim me again. Then he whispered one more thing against my skin, so soft I almost doubted I heard him. “I love you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Wake Up Where You Are

**  
**

**_Edward_ **

****

Sunlight flooding the room woke me up. Curtains or no, Bella’s apartment was ridiculously bright way too early in the day. It didn’t help that I was conditioned to wake up after no more than five hours of sleep, although I usually slept much later with Bella than I did on my own. I liked it.  
  


Bella was still out cold at my side. Over the last few weeks, I’d learned that she was not an early riser if she didn’t have someplace to be, nor was she much of a morning person. Usually I couldn’t get two coherent, civil words out of her until she’d showered and sucked down an unbelievable amount of coffee. I didn’t mind, as it gave me a little time in the mornings to watch her sleep. She got self-conscious if I looked at her too long or too intently when she was awake, so I liked to take advantage of her sleep to get my fill. She was more dead to the world than normal after the benefit the night before. When I rolled to look at her, she was face down on the bed, her cheek smashed into the pillow, her hair a riot of tangles around her shoulders and down her back. Even with her smudged mascara and ruined hair, she still had the power to take my breath away.

 

I told her I loved her last night. Granted, she was pretty much passed out at the time, which was a bit of a cop-out on my part, but I did say it. And I meant it. It didn’t make much sense, feeling that way about someone I’d essentially just met. But I didn’t care. I’d never been more certain of something in my life. This was right. _She_ was right. I knew it in my bones, and I was pretty sure I knew it shortly after I met her at the wedding. It was obscured by other people and impossible distances and complications, but it had been there, nonetheless. I knew what I wanted; there wasn’t a doubt in my mind. I wanted forever with this woman.

 

Even though all I wanted to do was to roll over onto her and do perverted things to her, I had places to be today, so I slid out of bed carefully, leaving her to sleep off a little more of the whiskey while I got ready.

 

Half an hour later, I was showered and dressed. Her fucking shower would be the end of me. It was only slightly larger than a coffin. Bella was small, so it wasn’t a huge problem for her, but every time I turned, I banged an elbow on the wall or slammed my head into the shower head. It was too low for me, so I had to crouch just to get my head under the water. Her whole apartment made me feel like Andre the Giant. As much charm as Bella found in it, I was looking forward to getting my own place, in one form or another, so I could convince her to spend her nights with me in a place designed for normal-sized people.

 

Once the coffee was started, I crawled back up the bed and stretched out at her side, throwing my leg across hers. She didn’t budge. Gently, I ran my fingers across her back, from one shoulder blade to the other. She groaned, low and husky, and rubbed her face into the sheets. The sound kind of turned me on, but I pushed that aside and rubbed my palm across her back again. Bella rolled her face on the pillow towards me and cracked one eye open.

 

“Morning, beautiful,” I murmured.

 

She rolled her eyes as much as she could, considering she only had one of them halfway open. “Morning. What time is it?”

 

“Late enough. I made coffee. You want?”

 

“You don’t know me _at all_ if you have to ask that question.” Her voice was a very sexy low rasp.

 

I laughed and pushed off the bed, going to fix her a cup. When I came back, she was face-down in the bed again. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the exposed back of her neck. She moaned softly, but rolled to her side. I offered her the coffee and she took it, wordlessly sucking down several deep gulps, even though I knew it was scalding hot. She smacked her lips in contentment before setting it down on the floor next to the bed, already looking infinitely more awake. Sitting up and smiling, she leaned into me, angling her face up under my chin. I felt her lips make contact with my neck. I closed my eyes, one hand snaking out instinctively to grip her hip.

 

“Bella?”

 

“I seem to recall that I gave you a raincheck last night,” she murmured, “if you were interested in claiming it.”

 

I exhaled, long and slow, through my nose. “Ah…you know I am always interested in…um, _claiming_ any part of you, but we slept through our window of opportunity for that. I actually have someplace to be soon.” Although right now I really wanted to blow off every appointment I had and just press her down into the bed and stay there.

 

She sat back and blinked at me in confusion. “Now? It’s Sunday morning.”

 

“Yeah, I was actually hoping you’d want to come along.”

 

“Where?”

 

“To look at a house.”

 

“A house?”

 

“You know, to buy.”

 

“You’re buying a house?”

 

I shrugged absently, “I’m not sure yet. I’ve looked at some rentals, but my mother thought I should keep my mind open to buying. It would be a good investment. She set up a few appointments for me today to look at some things.”

 

“Oh. That makes sense, I guess.”

 

“So, do you want to come? I’d like you to.”

 

“Um, sure. I just need to clean up.”

 

I reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear before pulling her to me and brushing a light kiss across her mouth. “I’ll wait. Go.”

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Bella_ **

 

I was out house-hunting with Edward. Well, technically _he_ was house-hunting, and I was just tagging along for the ride. Right. That’s what I would keep telling myself so I could feel okay about it. Because house-hunting with Edward would be a big deal if we were doing it together. But we weren’t. He hadn’t indicated in any way that that was what today was about, and that was just fine.

 

I cast a quick glance at his profile while he drove. He hadn’t shaved, so he was a little scruffy and unkempt, but still infinitely desirable. He was smiling softly to himself, his right hand tangled with mine while he gripped the wheel with his left. I got that same tight, tingly feeling in my chest that I did every time I looked at him.

 

Edward said he loved me last night. He acted cool about it all morning, but I knew I heard it last night. Whatever. He wanted to play it down, so I would let him. I wasn’t ready in _any_ way to have that conversation, any more than I was ready to think about house-hunting together. I knew how I felt about Edward. I was crazy about him. I wanted him near me all the time; when I woke up, when I fell asleep, and for as much of the time in between as possible. He made me feel a kind of happiness that I didn’t even think existed. It all felt like love, a kind of love I’d never experienced and wasn’t sure I ever would.

 

But we were so new. Putting labels on things, saying it all out loud made it real and it would put us in a different place, one I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I tried to push away all the anxiety about declarations of love and co-habitation, and just focus on the day, because we really were having fun.

 

The weather was great, since spring was officially in bloom. It was sunny and the air was soft and just a little cool. Mostly, we’d just been driving around Wicker Park and Bucktown, pointing out interesting restaurants and scoping out the nearest El stations. I teased him a little that all the listings he was looking at were just minutes from my place, but he just smiled and didn’t rise to the bait.

 

Edward had finally signed the lease on a car this past week, and the trip to the benefit the night before had been my inaugural ride in it. I teased him about the car, too, but he defended the choice, telling me that he trusted that his dad had researched it thoroughly, and if a Volvo was good enough for his father, then it was good enough for him. Edward driving a Volvo sport utility wagon was kind of quaint, but on the other hand, he was already way too appealing to the opposite sex. The last thing I needed was for him to be driving around Chicago in some hot sports car to complete his irresistibility. No, in that sense, the car suited me fine. Let everybody think he was a stogy old grandpa. I had no problem with that.

 

The first three houses he’d looked at had been disappointments. They were all row houses, like nearly everything in these neighborhoods. They’d both dated to the very early part of the twentieth century, which was initially encouraging. But once inside, I’d discovered that the current renovation trend was to gut interiors completely, in favor of modern, open floor plans. I studiously hung on the sidelines and held my tongue, but I was relieved when Edward seemed to find them as unappealing as I did. They were all spacious and well-appointed, but also completely devoid of personality. They looked like nothing more than well-done West Elm catalogue spreads.

 

Making a right onto West Schiller to head to the next appointment, Edward pointed off to the left.   
  


“This is Wicker Park, right over here.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t realize there was an actual park. I thought it was just the name of the neighborhood.”

 

“Nope, it’s a real park. Really close to this house, too, which would be nice.”

 

I nodded absently. It would be nice to live so close to a park like that. Already, I liked this area better than the others we’d visited. There were a lot more trees, for one. The leaves had only just begun to come in, but I imagined in summer, the streets would look lush and shady. Edward made another turn and pulled into the first open spot along the curb he found.

 

Minutes later, standing in front of a rather generic brick-face three-story home, I swallowed my groan. So far, it was a carbon copy of everything else we’d seen that day. The inside didn’t prove to be much better. Again, every trace of the original interior had been scrubbed clean in favor of cool light-green stretches of wall, recessed track lighting, and glossy pale wood floors. The chipper real estate agent kept herding us from room to room, pointing out every high-end feature, as I stifled a sigh. Edward made a lot of non-committal polite noises, but no real words. After his hundredth “Um-hmm”, I couldn’t help but elbow him and smile. He chuckled and pulled me into his side, dipping his head to whisper in my ear.

 

“Okay, I get it. You don’t like it any more than the rest. As soon as she pauses for breath, I’ll get us out of here.”

 

It took three more rooms for that to happen, but eventually he did manage to extricate us. Standing on the front steps, hands full of fliers and calling cards, Edward looked at me, eyebrows raised.

 

“We’re striking out today, huh?”

 

“They’re all…nice,” I said levelly.

 

He snorted a laugh, “High praise. You hated them all. Admit it.”

 

“I’m not the one who needs to like them,” I pointed out to him, but I cast my eyes up the street to avoid looking at him as I said it. The house diagonally across the street was nearly obscured by a heavy growth of tall trees right next to the front steps. The dense vegetation almost concealed the “For Sale” sign set up in front. I peered closer. I could make out a brick front, slightly set back from the street, a wrought iron fence, and a peek of green lawn to one side.

 

“Edward, look at that one,” I said.

 

“I can barely see it. Is it for sale?”

 

“There’s a sign. Come on.”

 

I hooked his elbow and pulled him after me across the street. Once we were closer, I could see it better.  A tidy brick square of a house, with white-painted window sills and a set of steps leading up to the bright red front door. The property was heavily landscaped and it had a surprisingly large side yard, especially as few houses in the neighborhood even had a side yard. In fact, it looked entirely incongruous with its neighbors in every way; the lot size, the shape and style of the house— it didn’t fit at all.

 

As we stood there taking it in, the front door opened and a dark-haired woman backed out, a leather folder under her arm. She spent a second awkwardly locking the door, then turned and caught sight of us.

 

“Oh, hello,” she said brightly. Something about her told me this wasn’t actually her house. She confirmed that guess with her next words. “Are you here for the open house?”

 

“Um,” Edward began, but she cut him off.

 

“Technically, it finished fifteen minutes ago, but the family is away till tomorrow. Why don’t you come in and take a look?”

 

I looked at Edward just as he looked at me. We shrugged in unison and he waved me up the stairs ahead of him. I stopped just inside the front door and felt Edward close behind me.

 

“I’m Tammy,” the woman said, fumbling with her keys and folder as we waited. “Here’s the flyer.”

 

She shoved one at me in the same moment she handed one to Edward. I started to protest that I didn’t need one, but she was already walking away, into the house. I glanced down at it and the price, nestled in the upper right hand corner, jumped off the page at me.

 

$756,000.

 

This house was over three-quarters of a million dollars. My head snapped towards Edward to gauge his reaction, but there was no shock or horror on his face. He merely cocked one eyebrow in that way he did when he was reading something closely. The price didn’t seem to have even registered. I’d managed to avoid these flyers all day, so I had no idea how much the others had cost. Were they all this much? Could he afford that?

 

Edward moved past me to follow the realtor and snagged my hand, tugging me after him. He smiled back over his shoulder at me, and I forced a small smile in return.

 

My mind was still stuck on the money. Last night, Edward said he met up with some friends of his parents at the benefit. I knew the net worth of most of the people on that guest list. He’d just moved back to Chicago and was now working in a tiny private practice, which I could only guess paid substantially less than what he was going to be making at Lenox Hill. After an undergrad at Dartmouth and medical school at Columbia, I would have guessed he’d be swimming in student loan debt. Instead, he was thinking of buying a house. A really expensive house. He’d offered to buy me a TV like he was offering to pick up a bottle of wine for dinner. It all hinted at something I’d never stopped to consider before. Edward might have money. A lot of it. Way more than he earned as a doctor.

 

I was still trying to process that enlightening and unsettling new thought when Edward pulled me after him into the living room. I stopped short.

 

“Oh…” The breathless little gasp escaped without my realizing it. It was so…perfect. The ceiling was high, but broken up by heavy exposed beams crossing the room. The floor was a dark, warm walnut. A fireplace nestled diagonally in the corner and a soft, overstuffed couch faced it. The room was smaller than others we’d looked at today, but it was comfortable, inviting, and cozy. Three windows spanned the wall behind the couch, overlooking the lushly landscaped side yard. It was lovely in the spring, all dotted with daffodils, but I found myself imagining it snow-covered, with a fire crackling in that fireplace, as I curled up on that couch with a book, nestled into Edward’s side…

 

I jumped and took a step back.

 

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Edward smiled at me.

 

All I could do was nod.

 

Tammy was talking, walking through other rooms, and we followed in her wake. The kitchen was magnificent. Beautiful walnut cabinets with glass fronts, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. All the modern conveniences without losing any of its original charm. A window over the sink flooded the room with warm afternoon sunlight.

 

“Looks like a great kitchen for cooking,” Edward said softly, squeezing my hand. I spent a moment staring at the Viking range, seeing myself standing there, stirring something, as Edward slipped up behind me to kiss the back of my neck and tell me it smelled great…

 

Tammy kept moving, chattering over her shoulder, showing us room after room. The pale yellow dining room, the wooden staircase with the carved spindles, the spacious master bedroom with the painted white beadboard. The bed would go there, against that wall, and the soft morning sun would flood across it from that window as we laid together on a Sunday, reading the paper… We moved on to the gigantic attached master bath with warm gold ceramic tiles and a huge, glass-walled shower. The shower where he’d hold me and press me against the wall and do wicked things to me under the spray of hot water…

 

We climbed another set of narrow stairs to what was once an attic, but was now converted to a room. The ceilings sloped on either side, under the eaves of the roof. A little leaded glass window pierced the triangular wall on one end. A desk was situated right underneath it. The view out the windows was of leafy green treetops.

 

Edward moved to my side. “It would make a perfect office.”

 

 _My_ perfect office. Where I would…I didn’t even know what I would do here, but I could see myself doing it.

 

In room after room, I could picture my life playing out along side Edward’s. We would fit here. We’d be happy and content together here. And I _wanted_ it. I wanted it so bad that my chest hurt. I wanted to live here with Edward. I wanted our lives to unfold, interlocking, in this perfect house. It would be so easy… But it was crazy to want it. I absolutely could _not_ want that now… _already_. Not after everything I’d been through; all the lessons I should have learned from it.

 

My breathing was shallow and rapid, and I felt a cold sweat break out across the back of my neck.

 

Edward was asking Tammy about the property tax rate. I took a few steps back, towards the staircase. Tammy turned to me, her smile wide and bright. “The schools in the area are fantastic. It’s a great place to raise a family.”

 

“I’m going to go back downstairs to look around,” I muttered. Edward was watching me, his eyebrows drawn together, but he said nothing. I stumbled down the stairs, aware even in my panic attack of how good the smooth wood of the banister railing felt under my palm. _My house._ This feels like my house. It can’t be my house.

 

I stopped in-between the kitchen and the dining room, at the sliding glass doors that led to the large back deck. Trailing my fingers across the glass, I struggled to calm myself down. _That’s where we’d put the grill._ I could picture Alice and Jasper, Rose, and Angela and Ben, all out there, beers in hand. All our friends, laughing….

 

I heard soft footsteps and the warm presence of Edward, the feel and smell of him that I’d know anywhere, pressed up against my back. One arm slipped around my waist and the other came down across the top of my chest, holding me snugly up against his chest. He dipped his head and I felt his breath across my neck.

 

“You like it, don’t you?” he murmured.

 

I shrugged as best I could under the weight of his arm and struggled to sound unconcerned. “Does it matter? It’ll be your house. You’re the one that has to like it.”

 

He paused for a moment. I could feel his even, deep breaths. I heard him swallow hard. “I was kind of thinking that I’m shopping for _our_ house.”

 

“Um…” I stammered, stalling for time, with no idea what to say.

 

Edward said nothing. I felt his hold on me relax a little and I flinched internally. I hadn’t really said anything but that alone spoke volumes. My hesitation said it all. And it hurt. It hurt that I just hurt him, and it hurt because I just backed away from something that I desperately wanted.

 

“I’m going to go wait outside while you finish up in here. Take your time,” I murmured, slipping out from underneath his arm and making a beeline for the door. I heard him sigh heavily behind me, but I didn’t stop to look back. I was being a coward and running away, but I didn’t care. I needed to get some space from this situation and get my head back together.

 

That didn’t work, since when Edward joined me at the car ten minutes later, I still wasn’t one bit clearer. I kept my eyes focused on my feet as I heard him approach. He stopped just shy of me, waiting. I didn’t look up and I didn’t say anything. I _couldn’t_ say anything. He sighed, then leaned in and unlocked my door. I slumped into my seat and gritted my teeth to hold back the threatening tears as he crossed to the driver’s side.

 

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye as he started the engine. He wasn’t looking at me, just straight out the window. His heavy eyebrows were furrowed nearly together, and his jaw was so tense. That little muscle in his cheek was working furiously. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel. But he didn’t say a word as he pulled away from the curb to begin the short drive back to my place.

 

I swallowed around the burn in my throat. Crying would only make this worse. Besides, I should have known this was coming. Inevitably, we’d hit this point. I knew I was a mess after Jay. I knew there would be a moment, some catalyst that would make my issues rear their ugly heads.

 

I hated this. I hated feeling…broken, damaged. I wanted to go back to the last few weeks— how I felt when I was alone with Edward, when he was holding me, when we were talking, kissing, when he was pressing me down into the bed— and just hide there. I didn’t want to have _issues_ coming to interfere with us.

 

Everything with Edward had been so good; we’d been so blissfully happy for these past few weeks, that it was easy to forget how I’d wound up in Chicago. I’d been able to just shrug off my history and ignore it for a while, but that didn’t make it go away. I’d made some big mistakes in my life, I knew that. I had work to do, both on my life and on myself. Getting lost in Edward, as easy as it might be, wasn’t going to help me do any of that. In fact, it would just be a sad repeat of the same destructive pattern.

 

No, as much as it hurt, I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing. I just had no idea if Edward would see it that way. Judging from the angry, tense silence filling the car, it was doubtful. I had no idea what I’d do if I lost him over this. It had only been a few weeks, but already, the idea of living without him was unbearable.

 

We didn’t say a word to each other for the whole drive back to my place. By the time he pulled up behind the garage, my hands were shaking. I didn’t know what to do or how to leave it. I closed my eyes and let out an exhale, which was louder than I’d expected it to be in the close confines of the car. Now _I_ sounded mad, which wasn’t what I’d intended. Fuck. Every second I stayed there with my jumbled thoughts, I just made things worse. Maybe he just needed some space. I should probably get out of his face for the day and call him later. I grabbed my bag and jumped out of the car. I’d just rounded the front when I heard Edward’s door slam behind me. I jerked my head to see him standing by the fender, his face just as stormy, staring at me.

 

“You…you’re coming up?” I asked, my voice shaky.

 

“Hell yes. We’re going to talk about what happened back there,” he snapped.

 

I just nodded and tilted my head to indicate that he should follow me.

 

After I let us in, I crossed all the way to the couch before I put my stuff down, just needing whatever physical space I could get in this tiny room. I took a deep breath, trying to order my thoughts, trying to figure out how I could explain what I was feeling when I didn’t entirely get it myself.

 

Edward didn’t wait for me to be ready. “What the hell was that, Bella? Why did you flip out like that? Because I saw your face in the living room. Hell, I saw your face through the whole house. You loved it. You wanted it. Then the next thing I know, you freaked out and just _ran_. What happened? I mean, I know it might be a little fast, but this thing with us…” He paused to draw in a deep breath and rake both of his hands through his hair. The frustration and tension was rolling off of him in waves. “I know this has moved fast, and it’s hardly been any time at all, but I don’t know— I really thought we were in the same place. That you felt the same way I do.”

 

I sighed and closed my eyes, his words like a knife to my chest. Jesus, I hated that it had suddenly gotten so hard. But maybe it was meant to be hard. If it was easy, maybe it wasn’t worth it. And Edward was worth it. He was worth my effort. He was worth whatever I had to overcome or fight my way through. I needed to be completely honest with him about what I was thinking and feeling. I turned to face him, making myself look him in the eye when I spoke, “I _do_ feel the same way you do. I _did_ like the house. I loved it. I loved every square inch of it. Every room. I could see you and me there, and I _wanted_ it. God, you have no _idea_ how much I wanted it.”

 

Edward’s expression softened and he walked across the room until he was close enough to grab my hand. His thumb rubbed back and forth across my knuckles soothingly. “So what’s wrong with that? It sounds like we saw the same thing. It sounds like we _want_ the same thing.”

 

I shook my head even as I tightened my grip on his hand, “I can’t want that.”

 

Edward looked closely at me. “I don’t understand.”

 

“Not now. Not like this.”

 

“What­­—”

 

“Edward,” I said, softly, cutting him off, “I’ve _been_ here before. I was at the bottom; I’d lost everything, no life, no future, and…Jay— he came in and picked me back up and gave me a new life, and it was so _easy_. I didn’t have to work for it or figure it out for myself. He gave it to me and I took it without question. But that turned into a trap.”

 

Edward started and leaned back a little, like he’d been slapped. “Is that what you think we are? That I’m some sort of trap for you?”

 

My hand flew to his face instinctively, cupping his jaw, making him look at me. The pain in his face was killing me. “No! That’s just it. I couldn’t bear it if I let this become twisted like that. Don’t you see? Jay was all bound up with security and gratitude and debt and… _guilt_. In the end, it was impossible to divide my feelings for him from how I felt about everything else. And it was so wrong. Edward, it would kill me if that happened to us. You’re too important to me to let how I feel about you get tangled up with all my other issues. I can’t let you just _give_ me a new life. I have to build one for myself. I have to be okay with my life on my own before I can even think about tying it to someone else’s like that. Even if that someone is you. Even if I want it more than I can say.”

 

I felt the tension leave his body slowly, although the pain was still all over his face and I felt wretched that I’d been the one to put it there. Still, he nodded, reaching up to take my hands away from his face, folding them in his own.   
  


“Jesus, Bella. I’m sorry. I can see how that would make you feel…fuck,” he closed his eyes and let his head fall back. I took a step closer to him, wanting to reassure him and myself that we could make this okay. After a moment, he picked up his head and looked down at me. “It’s just that all that stuff— the house, the TV— it’s easy for me to give it to you. And I _want_ to. I just want to make things easier for you. I want you to be happy.”

 

“I know you do. And I’m sorry I can’t just take it. I really want to, but—”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“I can’t. No taking the easy way this time, even if the easy way is also what I want.”

 

He let go of my hands so that he could take my hips and pull me into his chest. I laid my hands there, smoothing his shirt with my fingertips.

 

“That makes perfect sense,” he murmured, his voice much softer. “I’m sorry I freaked you out today. I know I’m moving a little fast, but, Bella…can I say something without making things worse?”

 

I nodded. “You can say anything to me.”

 

He reached a hand up to stroke my hair, cupping the side of my face. “I’m really sure about this— about you. So you’ll have to tell me when I’m getting too far ahead of you. Because it will probably happen again.”

 

His mouth hitched up on one side in a wry little smile and I felt the tension finally break inside of me. I smiled back in relief, so, _so_ happy that he was still here, that we were still talking and good.

 

“It’s okay,” I said.

 

Crouching a little, so he could peer more directly into my eyes, he tipped my chin up with his finger. “Is it? Really?”

 

“Yes. Really. I’m sorry I freaked out, Edward. I shouldn’t have shut down like that. I should have talked to you.”

 

“You’re talking to me now.”

 

“Yes, but it didn’t have to become this big crisis. I was just a little thrown by how all of that made me feel. I wasn’t expecting it.”

 

“It’s okay,” he said gently, “This is uncharted territory for both of us, right?”

 

I nodded and Edward exhaled hard, pulling me into his arms. I pressed my face into his neck, letting myself be calmed and reassured by his scent and the thud of his heartbeat against my chest. My throat constricted as waves of powerful emotions broke over me. Nothing bad this time, all good. Really good. Before I could stop to overthink it or talk myself out of it, I murmured what was in my heart directly against his ear, because he needed to hear this from me, even if it scared me to say it.  
  


“I love you, too.”

 

His breathing hitched and his grip on me tightened. Then he let out a shaky, soft chuckle. “You heard that, huh? I thought you were passed out.”

 

“I heard.”

 

He pulled back enough to look down at me, but kept his arms locked across my back. I ran my fingers through the hair just above the collar of his shirt, reassuring myself with the feel of it across my fingertips.

 

“I’m sorry I said it like that, Bella, but I’m not sorry I said it. I meant it. I _mean_ it. I love you.” His face was determined, but that awful pained expression was gone, thank God. I raised my hand to cup his cheek, rubbing my thumb over the ridge of his cheekbone, lost for a moment in the lovely explosion of greens in his eyes and in the soft curve of his lips.   
  


“I mean it, too,” I finally said, absolutely certain of this feeling, even when I was so uncertain about everything else. “I love you.”

 

 

  


 

 

 

 


	24. Steps You Take

**_Bella_ **

****

We made it through our first fight, if you could even call it that. Edward stayed the night, and once we’d gotten through the worst of the conversations, and the dust had settled around our mutual “I love you”s, the rest of the night was heaven. We ordered in and didn’t leave my bed, repeating the “I love you”s all night with our words and our bodies.

 

At noon on Monday, Edward called me to tell me he’d said yes to a rental he’d looked at the previous week. It still hurt, even though I knew it was the right thing. At least, for the time being.

 

There wasn’t much time for me to get melancholy over it though, as I had my late lunch with Didyme Walsh to get ready for. Even though we’d really hit it off at the benefit, and talking to her then had been easy, I was attacked by nerves as I got ready to go. Maybe it was because I was lacking the social lubricant of entirely too much whiskey today. Although, who knew? Maybe we’d booze it up at lunch, too. Dida didn’t strike me as the type to let a little thing like a workday get in the way of a good bender.

 

Even leaving myself extra time to find it, it was after two-thirty when I finally reached the offices of _The Chicago Lantern_. They were far less auspicious than the name and storied history implied. The building was a drab stone affair in a less-prosperous part of The Loop, down a narrow, dingy side-street. A Mexican restaurant occupied the first floor of the three-story building. There was a glass door at street level next to the restaurant entrance. On the intercom buttons, the second floor was identified as _The Lantern’s_ offices. The third floor was for a modeling agency. I rang and waited to be buzzed up.

 

The door opened right into a narrow stairway lit with a single, bare light bulb. At the second floor landing, a door opened off to the left. As I climbed, a woman popped her head out to look at me.

 

“Are you Bella?”

 

I smiled and nodded.

 

“You didn’t look like one of the third floor girls, but you can’t be too careful,” she said cheerfully, as I reached the landing. She was maybe in her mid-forties, with sandy brown frizzy hair liberally peppered with grey. She was wearing baggy cropped linen pants and an Obama for President t-shirt that had seen better days. When I was within reach, she stuck her hand out at me, smiling. “Gianna Hartley. Dida’s on the phone. Come on in.”

  
“You have to be careful of a modeling agency?” I asked, as I followed her in the door.

 

Gianna rolled her eyes. “Modeling agency,” she snorted. “Please. They cast porn movies up there.”

 

She must have registered the shocked look on my face because she scrambled to correct herself as she led me inside, “They’re not dangerous, per se. But plenty of them have a little problem with the blow,” She looked back at me over her shoulder and tapped the side of her nose knowingly. “And you know you can’t trust a drug addict. Except for the ones who work here.”

 

“I heard that!” a dark-haired boy at a nearby desk shouted, without ever looking up from his computer screen.

 

“Oh, you know I love our drug addicts! They’re family!” Gianna laughed lightly in return. Then she turned to me, her face more serious. “We don’t really have drug addicts here, you know. Well, aside from the recreational alcoholics. I think we’re all alcoholics. Ugh, don’t listen to me. I’m going to send you running for your life.”

  
She led me into a large open space, lined with windows along one wall, overlooking the street below. There was a desk just inside the door, which she stepped around, falling into a creaking office chair behind it.

 

I don’t know what I was expecting when I imagined the offices of _The Chicago Lantern_ , but whatever it was, it was nothing like what greeted me as I glanced around the place. First of all, there were no “offices”. Just this one large room with desks scattered here and there throughout. I could see Dida at one at the far side, against the windows, leaning back in her chair, feet up on the paper-covered desk, talking on the phone, and smoking. In either corner in the back of the room were two other occupied desks. Both looked cluttered and very lived-in. A few other people, all college-aged, sat at random desks around the room, typing away on outdated computers or talking on the phone. Boxes of back issues of _The Lantern_ were tucked into every spare corner of the room, in no discernable system— up against desk-fronts, filling shelves and chairs. A plant, a philodendron, grew in several impressively long vines along the top of the wall for most of the circumference of the room. It seemed to originate from a large pot on a shelf behind Gianna. There was a large, brown, long-haired cat sleeping squarely in the middle of her desk. She shoved it unceremoniously to the side as she sat down.

 

“Nessie, honestly, I was away for less than two minutes,” she muttered at the cat, who seemed entirely unconcerned, “So,” she said brightly to me. “I’m the business manager. I’m also the receptionist, the distribution director, and I run the website.” She gave a short laugh as she ticked them off on her fingers. “We all wear multiple hats around here.”

 

At that moment, Dida’s phone call ended and she shouted across the room, “Bella! You made it. Come on over!”

 

I wove my way through the cluttered room towards her desk. She swung herself upright and came around the desk to shake my hand. “Nice to see you again, Dida.”  
  


“Here, let me show you around,” she said, nodding her head to indicate that I should follow.

 

As we approached the desk in the right-hand corner of the room, a small, tanned man with thinning hair and wearing a heavy cardigan looked up wearily through little gold half-moon glasses to watch our approach.

 

“Santiago, this is Bella Swan from _New Moon_ ,” Dida barked, “You remember, I told you about her?”

 

Santiago rose slowly to his feet, extending a hand across his desk. I took it and he smiled, raising my hand to his lips and lightly kissing the back. “Miss Swan,” he said softly, with a slight Latin inflection, “A delight, to be sure.”

 

“Santiago Gomez,” Dida explained, “Associate Editor of Poetry.”

 

I smiled at him. “So nice to meet you.”

 

“Welcome to our little…” Santiago cast an appraising eye around the room, then looked to Dida. “What would you call it, mi hija? Empire? Fortress?”

 

Dida barked in laughter. “How about ‘Ship of Fools’?”

 

Santiago threw his head back and chuckled. “Oh, yes. We’re all Don Quixotes here, tilting at windmills, yes?”

 

“But someone has to stand up for chivalry,” I teased.

 

“Ah! Yes, and a noble fight it is,” Santiago sighed. “Now, where are you two off to?”

 

“I’m taking this one to lunch. I didn’t get to mouth off about books enough the other night and she was actually willing to come back and let me do it again,” Dida said.

 

“Well, good for you, Bella. We’re always happy when Dida finds a new playmate to listen to her ranting.”

 

“Jesus, yes. These poor fools have put up with me for years now. Wait, is Lucy back?” Dida glanced around to the desk in the opposite corner. “Ah! Come on, Bella. Come meet Lucy.”

 

She hauled me after her across the room to the opposite corner. The woman I supposed was Lucy was just settling back in at her desk. Lucy was tall and thin, with bright auburn, sharply-cropped short hair. She looked up at us as we neared, her face eager, her eyes sparkling. She had crazy-high cheekbones and a blindingly white smile.   
  


“Is this the Bella you told us about?”

 

“Absolutely,” Dida said, “Bella, this is Lucy Kristiansen, Associate Editor.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you came to visit, Bella,” Lucy said, standing and planting her hands on her narrow hips as she looked around the room in fond amusement. She was wearing an acid-green sheath dress that nearly vibrated in contrast to her hair and an overscale hammered brass collar necklace.  “Sorry, the offices aren’t much to look at, are they?”

  
I waved her off. “No, this is amazing. I’m so excited to visit. We idolized _The Lantern_ at U Dub.”

 

Lucy threw her head back and laughed, the sound ringing through the room. “You hear that, Santiago? We’re freaking legends!”

 

“Is that why I feel so old?” he moaned dramatically.

 

Dida chuckled. “Alright, let’s you and me go find some food. I’m starving.”

 

We ended up at the Mexican place downstairs, where the staff all knew Dida and she ordered our lunch in Spanish.

 

We chatted some more about books while we nibbled chips and salsa and sipped our beers. Dida expounded on some of the great new Chicago writers she’d read of late. They all sounded amazing, and after each description, Dida would promise me galley copies to read. The list grew so long that I was reduced to scribbling titles on a napkin to keep track.

 

When our food arrived, Dida moved on to _The Lantern_ , explaining the hierarchy of the staff, such as it was, and how the average issue was produced. It sounded sort of disorganized, a little chaotic, and plagued with unforeseen disasters. Pretty much just like _New Moon_ had been, just with slightly more desk space.

 

It was a very hands-on operation. Dida still read nearly every submission herself, although often Santiago took the first pass at poetry, culling a short list for her to go over. Lucy took on a large share of the editing and layout, and there was a floating staff of part-timers and freelancers who handled the rest. That, plus a handful of interns from local colleges, was all she had to count on in the way of staff.

 

“You really read every submission?” I asked her, picking at my enchiladas. “I mean, I used to do it at _New Moon_ , but I’m sure the volume was nothing like what you get.”

 

Dida sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Yes, I’m insane, but I still read them all. They get submitted on the web now. Gianna finally got me to break down and get that set up. But I can’t fucking read on a computer. I print them out to read them.” She laughed and held her hand up in defense. “I know, I know. I’m a dinosaur. But there’s no changing me now.”

 

“I get it,” I chuckled, “But, God, it must take you forever.”

 

“It does. This thing is my life. I don’t do anything else.”

 

I nodded in understanding. “Jesus, I remember those days. I lived for the magazine.”  
  


Dida squinted at me and tapped her fingers on the table. I’d spent just enough time around her to recognize that nervous gesture as meaning she wanted to smoke and couldn’t. “Do you miss it?” she asked.

 

I twirled my fork for a second, considering. “I didn’t let myself think about it for the longest time. But, yeah. When I do remember it, I miss it. I miss being so excited every day. I mean, yes, plenty of times it was a grind, and there was all that pressure and never enough time or money. But then sometimes, I’d open a new submission and it would just take my breath away. It would make me realize all over again how much undiscovered talent was still out there. And every time I started reading, there was always that possibility that _this_ one would be a masterpiece. The next great thing I’d read just might be _this_ thing. Does that make any sense?” I felt my cheeks flush slightly at how carried away I’d gotten. I sounded like such an idealistic kid when I mooned about writing like that. But I suppose, back then, I had been an idealistic kid.

 

Dida smiled knowingly. “Perfect sense.”

 

“Do you still feel that way?”

 

She cocked her head to the side, considering. “Not as often as I used to. I’ve had to wade through a hell of a lot of crap in my day, and that can take a toll on my enthusiasm. But you know, I certainly don’t do this for the money. I have to still feel passionate about it, or I might as well pack it up and close the place down. _The Lantern_ is a labor of love. It always has been; it always will be.”

 

Dida tipped her beer back, polishing it off before setting her bottle down with a clunk. “I have a confession to make,” she said.

 

I looked up in question.

 

“I had an ulterior motive in asking you to lunch today.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I want you to come work for me.”

 

I just stared at Dida, unblinking, as her words sank in. My heart started pounding so hard that I felt like I could actually hear it.  “At _The Lantern_?” I finally managed to ask, my voice tight and pinched.

 

“No, at my huge mainstream publishing corporation that I run on the side for fun. Of course at _The Lantern_!” she snorted in laughter.

 

“Are you serious right now?” I planted my hands on the table, fingers spread wide, leaning in towards her. I was probably going to freak her out with my intensity, or at the very least, embarrass myself with my ridiculous reaction.

 

“Dead serious. Look, we have all these floating assistant editors…part-timers and freelancers. They come and go as I need them, or as their schedules allow. But there’s just not enough continuity there. I need somebody who can be around to follow through with these writers, from submission to publication. We work three months on an issue and nine times out of ten, the ones who start working on the issue aren’t the ones there to put it to bed. And the college kids don’t help much; they’re even flightier than the assistants. The only real consistency in the editing department is me and Lucy, plus Santiago on poetry. And there’s just not enough of us to go around. So, if you’re interested….”

 

I waved my hands in front of me frantically to shut her up. “Stop trying to sell it to me. Oh my God, yes. Absolutely!”

 

Dida started to smile, but then her face got fierce again. “Let’s be clear about something. The pay is for shit. You’ll starve on this salary. I’m not kidding.”

 

I waved my hands again to stop her, then realized that I probably looked like an over-excited five-year-old, so I clasped them hard in front of me and did my best to assume a game face. “It doesn’t matter. My life is cheap right now. And this opportunity…Dida, are you sure? You haven’t even seen my resume, or talked to my references or anything—”

 

“Now it’s your turn to stop. I’ve read _New Moon_. You put that together. That tells me all I need to know about your talent. I’ve been thinking of bringing in a new full-timer for a while now, and then I ran into you at the benefit. It was like the universe was trying to tell me something. And I believe that when the universe talks, I should listen. So, do we have a deal?”

 

“Yes! Of course!” I resisted the urge to bounce up and down in my seat and reminded myself that Dida was now my boss. Granted, at this point, I’d spent more time with her drunk than sober, but she just handed me the job of my dreams and I was going to step up to the plate.

 

My head was abuzz with conflicting emotions. I was elated, without a doubt. Dida had just unwittingly answered my prayers, prayers I hadn’t even dared to give voice to. But I was also full of anxiety and self-doubt. It had been years since I had done this sort of work. Dida had just taken a huge leap of faith on me. I could recognize that for what it was. I desperately wanted to justify that faith, I just hoped that I had it in me—that whatever skill or talent I once had that she insisted she saw was still there inside me.

 

“Excellent,” she beamed at me. “Well, I just increased my full-time staff by twenty-five percent. That’s a hell of an afternoon’s accomplishment, if I do say so myself. What do you say we go raid the brandy that Gianna hides in her desk and toast to our newest staff member?”

 

That’s just what we did. When we got back upstairs, Dida shouted across the room, welcoming me aboard as _The Chicago Lantern’s_ newest Assistant Editor. Santiago and Lucy clapped and “ahh”d, and I got the feeling Dida had already told them that she was going to offer me the job. They were both so welcoming, coming to hug me and start filling me in on all the interesting little details of life in the _Lantern_ offices. Gianna began to fuss immediately about which desk to clear off for me, even as I insisted that any corner would do. Gianna did indeed have a bottle of brandy secreted in her desk, which Santiago unearthed. Lucy disappeared into a tiny side room which they called the kitchen simply because it had a sink, and returned with a motley assortment of glasses and chipped coffee mugs. Then the entire permanent staff of four— now five, counting me— plus the odd interns there that day, toasted my addition to their ranks.

 

They didn’t get any more real work done that day. Instead, we sat around in assorted office chairs and perched on desk corners while Dida, Santiago and Lucy traded stories and told tales of some of the more infamous goings-on in _The Lantern’s_ past. It was relaxed, fun, and a little bawdy. I laughed more than I had in ages, and I almost wanted to pinch myself that the day had actually happened, that I wasn’t dreaming.

 

At six, I excused myself out to the landing to call Edward. He picked up on the second ring.

 

Hey! Where are you?” I felt like I could hear the smile in his voice, and it made me smile in return.

 

“Um, still with Dida at The Lantern.”

 

“Still? Weren’t you guys having lunch at three?”

 

“Yeah, but…well, I have something to tell you. Where are you now?”

 

I heard a little noise in the background, like Edward was shifting the phone around. “I’m signing the lease on my apartment, but I’m pretty much done. Why?”

 

I ignored the residual ache of that and focused on the good instead. “Can you come meet me downtown?”

 

“Um…I think I could be there in half an hour or so, depending on the trains. Is that okay?”

 

“Perfect.”

 

“What’s up?” he pressed.

 

“Nothing. I mean, it’s all good. I just want to tell you when you get here, okay?”

 

I could hear the smile in his voice again. “Okay. I’ll get off at Clark/ Lake, the stairs in front of the Walgreen’s. See you soon.”

 

After I went back in, I made plans to start the next day. Dida said I could have a few days if I needed them, but I didn’t need or want them. I wanted to work. I wanted to be insanely busy again. I wanted a purpose. So Gianna set me up with keys to the building and the password for the wi-fi. I asked about filling out paperwork, but it had been so long since they’d hired anyone who actually got paid that Gianna didn’t have any of the current forms and needed to download them from the internet the next day. When I said I’d see them all at nine, everyone in the room laughed out loud. Apparently ten was the earliest anyone ever appeared in the _Lantern_ offices, although Dida said I was welcome to show up whenever I pleased. Calling it a relaxed work environment was turning out to be a gross understatement.

 

When I left them, they were still tossing back Gianna’s brandy and getting ready to order in sushi. I suspected it would be hours before any of them stumbled home.

 

Walking the few short blocks to the train station, I let the city soak into my senses. In my current, euphoric mood, everything was better. The crowds on the sidewalk, the lights, the storefronts I passed— it was all brighter, faster, more exciting, now that I had a purpose. For the first time since I got to Chicago, it really felt like home, like I belonged here, like there was a _place_ for me here.

 

I met Edward at the bottom of the stairs at the El station on Lake Street. He was halfway down the stairs when he spotted me and the smile that broke out instantly across his face made my heart turn over in my chest a little bit. As he made his way down the rest of the steps, slowed up by other people, I took just a moment to ponder my good fortune. I was living in this fantastic, exciting city; the perfect job had just been placed in my lap like a gift; and most importantly, _that_ man— that incredible, sexy, sweet, caring man— was coming for _me_. He loved _me_. I could hardly believe it was all true and happening to me.

 

Edward squeezed past the last slow-moving person on the stairs and scooped me into his arms in one fluid motion.

 

“Hey, you,” he murmured against my ear as he pulled me in for a hug. It was the way he usually greeted me and it always made me get a little soft and melty inside.

 

“Hey, yourself.” I fisted my hands in his jacket at his sides and pulled him closer.

 

“So, what’s your big news?” he asked, pulling back to look at me. He reached up with one hand to push my hair behind my ear, then his fingers kept going, sliding back into my hair, cradling my head. I tilted into his hand instinctively. I couldn’t help the euphoric smile that spread across my face.

 

“Dida offered me a job at _The Lantern_.”

 

Edward blinked once in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?”

 

“No! Assistant Editor. I’m starting tomorrow!”

 

“Bella…that’s—“ he stammered for a second. Then he hoisted me up by the waist, laughing. “That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you.”

 

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, letting his happiness wash over me and reinforce my own.

 

“Well, I don’t know how proud you should be of me yet. She’s hiring me on the strength of something I did five years ago. I just hope I can prove my worth.”

 

“Baby, I know you can. Bella, this is so great. I’m so happy for you.” He reached up and cupped my face in his hands, his fingertips brushing my hairline. I leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss him, slow and soft. Someone pushed past us to get up the stairs to the El, knocking us out of our peaceful little moment.

 

“Come on,” he murmured, hooking my arm with his, “I’ll buy you dinner and you can tell me all about it.”

 

We turned and headed up Lake towards the restaurant Edward had in mind. While we walked, tucked into each other’s sides, I told him all about _The Lantern_ ; the ramshackle, disorganized office, the rag-tag staff, the lax work environment. He smiled and shook his head.

 

“And you actually _want_ to work there?” he chuckled.

 

“Yes! Of course! I mean, I know it sounds chaotic and a little ghetto, and frankly, it is. But that’s just what life is like at publications like these. They just make enough to keep the doors open. And not even enough for that, really. They need grant money to really stay afloat. But it’s not about the money, it’s about the work. Everybody is there because the love the work.”

 

Edward squeezed my waist. “I’m getting that. And it seems perfect for you. I know how passionate you get about writing. Plus you and Dida seemed to really hit it off at the benefit.”

 

I sighed and closed my eyes. “She’s amazing. Truly. But so normal. Sometimes I totally forget just who she is and what she’s done. Thank God I forget, because I’d be in constant awe of her otherwise.”

 

“I’m not worried about you, Bella. You’ll hold your own just fine.”

 

I laughed and shook my head. “Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’ll need it.”

 

“You’ll always have it,” he murmured, pressing his lips to my temple.

 

I stopped abruptly and he was a step past me before he realized it and stopped too. Edward swung around to face me, his heavy, dark eyebrows raised in question. I just stood there for a minute, taking him in. His beautiful face, almost like a marble carving; the high cheekbones, the jawline— some of the first things I remembered noticing about him— his mouth, those lips that made me so unnerved the first time we spoke. His russet hair, all blown wild from the ever-present breeze on the streets. I looked back into his bright green eyes, now looking at me, puzzled.   
  


“What’s wrong?” he asked.

 

I smiled and shook my head, tugging on his hand to pull him closer to me. He came, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. He did the same and we stood pressed against each other in the middle of the sidewalk as busy pedestrians streamed past us on either side, like we were a rock dropped down in the middle of a river. Edward smiled down at me, his arms hooked around my back.

 

“What are you thinking? What’s that look on your face?” he pressed.

 

“Just…” I started, then trailed off, distracted by his almost otherworldly beauty, and by that glow in his face that was all for me. It was there because he was looking at me. My throat constricted a little at the thought. “I’m just wondering what on earth I did to deserve you,” I finally whispered.

 

Edward’s face softened and he closed his eyes before pulling me into his chest. I felt his lips on my hair, on the top of my head, and then the side, near my ear.

 

“You’re _you_. And you’re here with me. That’s all I need from you.”

 

“Stop! You make me cry when you say stuff like that!”

 

I felt him chuckle against my hair, the vibrations rumbling in his chest. I turned my face against him a little, surreptitiously nuzzling against him and soaking up his smell. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pushed up on tip-toe until my mouth was next to his ear.   
  


“I love you,” I whispered to him. I felt his face burrow into my neck and I just savored holding him.   
  


I began to notice that we were creating an obstruction in the sidewalk. People were casting us irritated glances as they scooted around us. The evening rush had no time for love, apparently. As I looked around at the fast-moving pedestrians, a figure crouched in a doorway a few feet up the sidewalk caught my eye. Maybe it was the hair color, almost the exact same shade as Jay’s, underneath the dirt; maybe it was the tiny motion he was making, a nervous, compulsive rocking back and forth that was so reminiscent of what Jay had done towards the end. Or maybe it was his circumstances. Huddled, dirty and alone in a doorway.

 

My heart stopped in my chest and all I could do was stare. It wasn’t him. I was sure it wasn’t him. There were enough subtle differences, even at this distance. Plus, in his current state, there was no way Jay ever could have gotten himself all the way to Chicago.

 

But it could have been him. It might as well have been him. Wherever Jay was, no doubt he looked pretty much just like that dirty, disoriented homeless man in the doorway, rocking himself and muttering to demons that weren’t there.

 

Intellectually, I knew that was probably what had happened to him. But because I’d never actually seen him again, and it had never really been confirmed that he was living on the streets, somehow, it hadn’t quite seemed real to me. But in one sickening flash, the man on the sidewalk, who looked so much like Jay that it made my heart hurt, made it real to me. That was Jay. Wherever he was, Jay was just like that man.

 

“Bella?” Edward’s voice sounded a million miles away. “Bella, what’s wrong?”

 

I shook my head and made myself look away, and back at Edward. He was gripping the back of my neck with one hand, rubbing the other up and down my arm.

 

“Sorry, I just—” I couldn’t keep my eyes from darting back to the man in the doorway. Edward followed my gaze and I heard him sigh.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“He just looked like Jay for a minute. And then…I mean…how awful is it that _that_ guy reminded me of Jay? That’s what’s happened to him now, right? That’s what happens to mentally ill people who aren’t in the system, right?” I could hear my voice getting slightly frantic.

 

Edward wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “Probably, yeah. It’s hard. Really hard. Even if they get into the system, there are no guarantees. A lot of them just get lost. It sucks, but it’s the truth.”

 

He gave me a tug and with a sigh, I started moving again. My euphoria from just moments ago had evaporated. My blissful, exciting new life in Chicago had a price, and I’d just gotten a harsh reminder of what it cost.

 

After walking for a few minutes in silence, Edward cleared his throat. “What are you thinking?”

 

I sighed. “I’ve been working so hard at not dwelling on all the bad stuff that got me here, that I managed to forget it altogether for a while. But that didn’t make it go away. Jay’s still out there.”

 

Edward just nodded, his arm slung over my shoulders. The weight of it was comforting. I could let my mind wander back to other times and other places, but Edward was still here, holding me safely to this time and place, where I belonged.

 

After a moment, I kept talking, “I think I have to do something. I thought I could just walk away and forget, but I can’t.”

 

Edward pulled me to a stop and his arm slid away. “What are you suggesting, Bella? Do you…” His eyes cut away up the street and his teeth bit down on his bottom lip for a moment before he sucked in a deep breath. “Are you thinking of going back?”

  
“What? No! I don’t know…I can’t fix it, not on my own, so just running right back there wouldn’t do any good... I know that. Besides, Sam is looking. It’s just…if Sam should ever find him—“

 

“What?” Edward urged gently, reaching out to grip my hands in his.

 

“If he ever finds him, I don’t know if I could sit it out on the sidelines, just hoping that he doesn’t get lost in the bureaucracy. I’ll want to try to help. If I can.”

 

Edward tugged on my hands to pull me closer, before curling his arm around my waist.

 

“If it comes to that, you won’t be doing it alone.” He pressed his lips to my temple, but I pulled back so I could see his face.

 

“Edward, I can’t ask you to help me.”

 

“You’re not asking, Bella,” he said quietly. “I’m offering. Insisting, actually. It’s important to you, so it’s important to me. We’ll do whatever we can. If and when there’s anything to be done.”

 

I reached up to cup his face and pull him down to me, kissing him softly and briefly on the lips. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 


	25. The Prairie House

**_Bella_ **

 

“Jesus, Jess,” Alice moaned. “You’re _still_ stringing that boy along?”

 

Jess sighed and sat up a little straighter, fidgeting with her mimosa. “He’s an adult and he makes his own choices.”

 

“But it’s so obvious that he’s crazy about you. And he’s just a baby. Please be careful.”

 

“Alice, he’s twenty.”

 

Angela was taking a sip of her drink and sputtered ungracefully at Jessica’s words. “Jessica, you’re dating a twenty-year-old?”

 

Alice snorted dismissively. “Dating? He’d kill to actually date her. No, they’re just fucking.”

 

Jessica narrowed her eyes at Alice, and I held my hands up to shut everyone up. “Alright, ladies, let’s not come to blows in the middle of this nice restaurant and ruin everyone’s brunch.”

 

We were having what was becoming one of our regular Sunday brunch get-togethers. Not everyone could make it every week, but this Sunday, all the girls were here: me, Alice, Angela, Jessica, and Rose. I really loved these gatherings. We were all so different, but somehow the mix worked and we always had fun.

 

Today, the brunch was dominated by the exciting news of my new job, but as the mimosas were consumed, the talk turned more personal and raunchier, as it usually did. Jessica always shared racy stories about her latest conquests, but her current toy worked as an office assistant at the magazine with her and Alice, and Alice was feeling protective of him.

 

“Besides,” Alice continued as if she hadn’t heard me, “You’re still talking to Mike! Does Seth know about that?”

 

“We just talk. There’s nothing for Seth to know.”

 

“Wait a minute,” Rose interjected. “You’re still talking to Mike more than five months after your one-night stand? Jesus, you’re worse than that one!” She pointed at me across the table. I just smirked, but said nothing. “Do _none_ of you know how to have a proper one-night stand? Maintaining contact is not how it’s done!”

 

Jessica huffed and looked defensive. “We’re just friends. That’s all! I like talking to him.”

 

“So let me get this straight,” Angela interjected, holding up a hand. “You like talking to Mike.”

 

Jessica nodded, “We’re friends.”

 

“And according to you, the sex was phenomenal.”

 

Jessica rolled her eyes and smiled broadly, “Oh my God, _yes_.”

 

“Ew,” Alice whimpered at my side.

 

Angela ignored her. “So, you’re great together in bed, you’re great together out of bed. Explain to me why you won’t just date him?”

 

“Aside from his living in Atlanta?”

 

Angela waved her hand dismissively, “You can work around that, as Bella can attest.”

 

I opened my mouth to protest that I could hardly be anyone’s example of how it should be done, but Jess rolled right over me.

 

“He’s nice,” she said succinctly.

 

“Excuse me?” Angela pressed. “He’s nice? Why is that a problem?”

 

“Go ahead, Jess,” Alice spoke up. “Tell them your crazy theory.”

 

Jess glared at her. “It’s not a crazy theory. It’s a sensible plan. I don’t date nice guys. Not yet.”

 

“Wait. What? Explain,” Angela sputtered.

 

Jessica heaved a sigh and tucked an explosion of chestnut curls back behind her ear. “I’m not getting married until I’m at least twenty-eight,” she said, as if that made everything perfectly clear.

 

When she said nothing else and we all just stared in confusion, Angela prompted her. “And?”

 

“Aaaannd…it’s pointless to date a really great, nice guy now, when it has no hope of working out.”

 

Angela closed her eyes and shook her head. “But…if he’s great and nice, and you meet him now, then you just adjust things, right?”

 

Jess rolled her eyes, “Noooo. I have a plan. My twenties are for working on my career, so I’m only allowed to play around with guys. Nothing serious. So I only date assholes that I won’t get attached to. Once my career is firmly established, _then_ I can date a nice guy who I plan on marrying. It’s still too soon.”

 

Jessica’s explanation was met with stunned silence.   
  


“Jess,” I finally started, “that has to be the craziest, most ridiculous plan I’ve ever heard.”

 

“Ha!” Alice shouted, clapping her hands together. “I told you! You see? She’s insane, right?”

 

“I gotta say,” Rose said slowly, shaking her head, “I’m the first girl to advocate taking charge of your life to make it what you want it to be, but Jess, that’s just lunacy.”

 

Jess huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s working just fine, thank you very much.”

 

“Except you’ve been talking to Mike on the phone for five months while you screw a string of faceless hotties,” Alice said.

 

“Oh, hush! You’ve never approved of the plan, Alice!”

 

“Because it’s crazy! _Nobody_ approves of the plan, Jess!”

 

“Let’s talk about something else,” Jess said, too loud and overly-bright. “Bella, how are things going with Edward?”

 

Everybody chuckled, but they let her change the subject, probably because they wanted to grill me, too.

 

“Good,” I said, before taking a tiny sip of my mimosa.

 

The other four women at the table just stared at me, saying nothing.

 

“Good?” Alice finally pressed. “That’s all you’ve got to say?”

 

I rolled my eyes at her. “Alice, I’m hardly going to spill all the gory details, including panting breaths and grasping hands.”

 

“Oooh, that part sounds good!” Jessica chirped. “Tell us more about that!”

 

I glared at her. “Things are good. He’s got an apartment in Wicker Park now, so that’s better. He’s closer.”

 

“Is it nice?” Angela asked.

 

“Really nice. He has a doorman and everything. I have to admit, hanging out at his place is a lot nicer than hanging out at mine.”

 

“I give you a month before you’re shacking up with him,” Jessica said dryly.

 

I flushed and looked at the table hard. “Um, no. That’s _really_ not going to happen.”

 

That was met with dead silence, so I glanced up to find the four of them watching me expectantly. After a moment, caving to the pressure, I continued. “He kind of already asked me to move in with him and I said no.”

 

“What??” Alice shrieked. “And you didn’t even tell me?”

 

“Alice, it was hard. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just…I can’t do that now. Not yet. Not after everything that happened.”

 

“I get it,” Angela said softly. “It kind of sucks…for both of you…but I get it.”

 

“Thank you, Ang.”

 

“Okay, so no co-habitation _yet_ ,” Alice sighed. “How are things otherwise?”

 

“Great. I’m meeting his parents this week.”

 

They all let loose a chorus of “ooohs”.

 

“You’ll love Esme,” Alice said. “That’s his mom. Oh! And the house! Wait till you see their house!”

 

Rose nodded in agreement. “The house is amazing.”

 

“What?” Jessica asked, “Are they loaded or something?”

 

Alice laughed, “Yeah, you could say that.”

 

“Jesus!” she shrieked, “Bella, he’s rich, too? I swear, if you don’t marry the guy, I will!”

 

“Very funny, coming from you, Jess,” I sighed, “But I can assure you, we’re nowhere close to even discussing that.”

 

“Yeah, right,” Rose snorted.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Well, you might be a little gun-shy, Bella,” she said, “but I seriously doubt Edward is.”

 

“What do you mean?” I pressed.

 

“Edward’s been ready to settle down for a long time, whether he was entirely aware of it or not. And now that he’s met you, I’m pretty sure he’s done looking. I mean, he’s already brought up living together, right?”

 

“This conversation is giving me an anxiety attack,” I moaned.

 

“Why are you so spooked?” Alice asked, “You love him, right?”

 

“Yes, I do. But surely, after all the shit I went through, you can all see why rushing things would be a bad idea, right?”

 

“Look, B,” Alice said, her voice level, “Yes, you maybe made some bad choices with Jay. But don’t mistake what you have with Edward for what you had with Jay. Because they’re two very different situations.”

 

“So you think I should have moved in with him?”

 

“Not if you don’t feel right about it. Just…don’t feel like you have to apply the same rules to every situation. This is love. There are no rules.”

 

I smiled at Alice and reached out to squeeze her hand. For all her meddling, pushing, and nosiness, sometimes she had the ability to cut right through the bullshit and say exactly the right thing. I still thought I was right to insist on my independence, but what she said made me feel better nonetheless.

 

“I know, Ally. It’s just…Edward is …he’s so… _complete_. You know? His career is all sorted out, he apparently has this amazing family, and then there’s the money— and according to Rose, he’s ready to settle down and live his happily ever after.”

 

“And you’re not?” she pressed gently.

 

I paused for a minute, trying to think through my answer. “He’s just more _done_ than I am. I want to have something to bring to the table. I want there to be more of myself to offer.”

 

Angela leaned into me a little on my other side. “I’m pretty sure he’ll take you just like you are.”

 

I smiled, “I know that. But it’s not about him— it’s about me.”

 

The table was quiet for a moment until Rose drew a deep breath and leaned back. “I suppose I can see that. Just don’t leave him hanging too long, okay?”

 

I smirked. “You’re one to talk, Rose.”

 

She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Whatever. Em knows where to find me. He’s _known_. The ball’s in his court and it has been forever. I’ve just quit waiting on him to hit it back to me.”

 

We were all silent for a moment after Rose’s words.

 

“Ugh,” Alice moaned after a moment, “I’m so depressed now. Let’s decide what Bella should wear to meet Edward’s parents instead.”

 

I laughed sharply, “Let’s let Bella pick out her own clothes for that particular trial by fire.”

 

“Well one thing is certain,” Jess said decidedly, “we need to drink a lot more today.”

 

At that, we all nodded in solemn agreement.

 

*0*0*

 

“Why are you fidgeting so much?” Edward asked gently, and I realized I was compulsively zipping and unzipping my bag in my lap.

 

“Sorry,” I muttered, stuffing my hands under my thighs.

 

“Are you n _ervous_?” he smirked.

 

“Shut _up_! You know I am.”

 

He reached across the center console and pried my hand out from underneath my leg, twining his fingers with mine and resting them on my thigh.

 

“My parents are nice. I promise. And they’re so excited to meet you, Bella. Honestly, I think I’m going to have to hold my mother back.”

 

I sighed. “That’s what I’m worried about.”

 

We’d just pulled up to his parents’ house, and I tried not to look further than the narrow drive alongside the house that we were parked in, lest I freak myself out some more.

 

“What, that they want to meet you?”

 

“That they’re excited. What if I’m a disappointment? What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m not good for you?” I was usually so good at masking these stupid insecurities, but now that we were at zero hour, they were all bubbling up out of my control.

 

Edward chuckled and dropped his chin to his chest, shaking his head. Then, without a word, he climbed out of the car and circled around to open my door. I stood up, but he didn’t move out of my way— he stayed put, trapping me against the side of the car. One arm was on the top of the open door, the other on the roof of the car, caging me in.

 

“Listen,” he said softly, ducking to catch my eyes with his, “They are going to love you, Bella. Because I love you. I love you because you’re smart and kind and passionate. They’ll see those same things and love you, too.”

 

I sighed and smiled, reaching out to put my hands on his waist and pull him closer. He slid his arms off the car and around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest.

 

“Thank you,” I murmured against his neck.

 

“Of course,” he murmured against my ear, “I also love you because you’re unbelievably sexy and there’s nothing on earth I love more than feeling your naked body under mine, but I’m really hoping they don’t love you for _those_ reasons.”

 

My laugh came out as a choked sputter against his shoulder. “Eeew, Edward. Thank you for that incredibly inappropriate mental image. But at least I’m not freaking out anymore, so maybe it worked.”

 

He leaned back, smirking. “All part of my evil plan.”

 

“So evil,” I whispered, leaning in until my mouth was just a breath away from his. I watched his eyes flash, his eyebrows draw together and an almost imperceptible flush of color spread across his cheekbones. God, there was nothing hotter than Edward when he was turned on. I sighed, sorry that, at least for the next several hours, there was nothing we could do about it. He sighed, too, apparently having the same thought.

 

Then he slid his hands up my arms, over my shoulders, until he was cupping my face gently.

 

“You’ll be fine. I love you,” he said.

 

“I know I will. I love you, too.”

 

He leaned in and kissed me, soft, slow and lingering. I sighed into his mouth.

 

“Are you ready?” he murmured against my lips.

 

“As I’ll ever be.”

 

Edward stepped back and released my face, skimming his hand down my arm to wrap my hand firmly in his. Throwing me his warmest smile, he tugged me after him to the door.

 

I took just a moment to glance up at the house in the fading twilight and I gasped.

 

It was breathtaking.

 

The house plus the yard took up the entire end of the block. It backed up to a street in the rear, and a wide, sweeping lawn stretched to the parallel street in front. It was absolutely majestic, several stories tall, made of sandy-colored brick, with dark-shingled steepled gables jutting out in several directions. In between the sharply-pitched slopes of the roof and the corners of the walls were heavy dark timbers and panels of stone carving. The windows were made up of intricately paned and leaded glass. This wasn’t a house— this was a museum.

 

“Edward,” I murmured, absently slowing to a stop as I gawked. “This house…”

 

“Um, yeah. I know. The house is…well, I’ll let my mother tell you all about the house. It’s sort of her mission in life.”

 

I wanted to know more. How on earth they came to live here, what it cost, how many rooms, but I made myself not press for details. If his mother really was so gung-ho to talk about the house, I figured it would be a good conversation starter, and I could use all of those I could get. We mounted the wide, low steps up to the stone porch and Edward was just reaching out for the intricately-carved brass doorknob when the dark oak door swung open under his hand, revealing the woman I could only assume was his mother.

 

He didn’t look like her. Well, the hair color was the same. They both had the exact same shade of indescribable not-quite-brown, not-quite-auburn hair, and hers was as thick as his, although it hung in soft waves to her shoulders. But her face was entirely different than his. Where Edward was all carved bone structure, jutting cheekbones and sculpted jaw line, her features were soft; her nose was tiny and pert, her face was heart-shaped. Her eyes were the same bright green as his, but the shape was different. Then she broke out in a wide smile, and her eyes transformed into Edward’s. It was the same exact expression I saw on his face when he smiled like that, and it made me feel like I knew her already. I couldn’t help but smile in return.

 

“Is this Bella?” she said, her voice a melodic lilt.

 

Edward chuckled at my side and squeezed my hand reassuringly. “Ah, yes. Bella, this is my mother, Esme. Mom, this is Bella. Bella Swan.”

 

“Bella Swan. What a lovely name. Well, don’t just leave her on the porch, Edward. Come in! Can I hang up your jacket, Bella?”

 

Edward was behind me in a flash, sliding my jacket off my shoulders and down my arms. He leaned in close until I could feel him breathing in my ear. “Remember…I love you.”

 

I felt myself flush as I tried to suppress my grin. Edward stepped away to hang up our jackets and Esme hooked my arm with hers.

 

“Come on into the living room and Carlisle can get you a drink.”

 

Knowing vaguely that Edward came from money, and then seeing the house, I was braced for coolness and formality, but there was absolutely none of that here. Esme exuded warmth and affability. The house, although massive and imposing, was glowing with warm gold light, softening its edges, making it feel homier than it probably was.

 

We entered the living room, long and open, with high ceilings lined with exposed beams. There was a rough stone fireplace on one wall, although it was too mild tonight for a fire. Along the opposite wall were the lovely leaded glass windows I’d noticed from outside. In one corner, at a long oak bar built into the wall, stood the man who could only be Edward’s father. I recognized his face immediately, because it was Edward’s face. The same beautiful bone structure and pale skin, although his hair was blonde and his eyes were lighter— blue, I guessed. I did the rough math in my head and figured them both to be in their mid- to late-fifties, but they looked so much younger. Both of them were remarkably attractive.

 

Edward’s father pivoted to look as we entered, smiling at us.

 

“Carlisle, come and meet Bella!” Esme said, pulling me over to him. He extended his hand to me— he had the same long, tapered fingers as Edward’s.

 

“Bella, it’s a pleasure. We’ve heard so much about you from Edward.”

 

“Oh…” I stammered, only now realizing I’d had yet to say a word. Brilliant start. They’ll think I’m a mute. “That’s…whatever he said, I’m sure he was exaggerating.”

 

Esme laughed. I felt Edward’s hand slide up under my hair, cupping the base of my neck, as he joined us. “I only tell the absolute truth where you’re concerned, Bella.”

 

“Well, then, you’re a saint according to him,” Esme winked at me. “Now, what do you drink? Wine? Something stronger? I think we have everything.”

 

“Wine would be lovely. Red?”

 

Carlisle nodded and poured me a glass. I relaxed a little once my hands had something to occupy them. “Esme, your house is so beautiful. Edward didn’t tell me anything about it.”

 

Esme smiled and her whole body seemed to come alive. I thought I caught Edward and Carlisle exchange a brief, amused glance.

 

“Thank you, Bella. The house is very special.”

 

“It’s…I’m sorry, I don’t know much about architecture, but it’s old, right?”

 

“Yes, built in 1895. Frank Lloyd Wright was the architect.”

 

I nearly spit my wine out in shock. I might have known nothing about architecture, but even I knew who that was. “Frank Lloyd Wright?” I repeated faintly.

 

Esme nodded. “My great-grandfather had it commissioned. It’s been in our family for four generations. Well, I guess Edward makes five.”

 

I turned to look at him and he shot me a small smirk. “The house is kind of a big deal,” he explained, humor in his voice. “It’s practically another member of the family.”

 

Esme pointed a finger at him. “This house _is_ family. We’ve spent more on it than we have on your education!”

 

Edward and Carlisle both laughed and Esme pretended to be affronted, although she was chuckling, too.

 

“You’ll have to forgive me, Bella. The house….well, architecture in general, is a bit of a passion of mine. I’m on the board of the Oak Park Historical Society. Frank Lloyd Wright lived and worked here in Oak Park, and there are a lot of his works here, including this house. The house is fairly significant— one of the earliest examples of what would become the Prairie Style of architecture. It’s on the National Register of Historic Places.”

 

“It’s amazing. Really, so lovely.”

 

“Thank you,” she said seeming genuinely pleased. “Dinner’s almost ready, so we’ll eat now, but afterwards, I’ll give you the tour.”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

“So,” Carlisle said, “Edward tells us you’ve just relocated to Chicago from…Seattle, was it?”

 

My eyes flashed to Edward’s, but his face was calm. I doubted that he would have shared my whole sordid history with his parents, and from the untroubled atmosphere in the room, I was pretty sure he hadn’t. “Yes, a few months ago now.”

 

“And how do you like it so far?”

 

“I love it. Truly. It’s such an exciting city. But so big. I feel like I’ll never see it all, or figure out where everything is.”

 

“It is a little overwhelming. Honestly, Esme and I are life-long Chicagoans, and there are still neighborhoods we’ve never seen. You can spend your whole life here and never know it all. That’s what keeps it interesting, I suppose.”

 

“Well, Carlisle,” Esme interjected smoothly. “Why don’t you get everyone settled in the dining room while I serve dinner?”

 

She slipped away towards the back of the house as Carlisle topped off everyone’s wine. Edward wrapped his hand around my free one, leading me after him into the dining room. Their house continued to astound me. It was obvious that they’d made every effort to maintain all the original features. Even the furniture seemed of a piece with the architecture surrounding it. In some ways, it felt like being in a museum, but in others, it felt like just a comfortable home, and I was impressed at the way Esme had balanced that.

 

Once we were settled in and dinner was fully underway, the conversation picked back up again.

 

“Bella,” Carlisle started, as he passed me the green beans, “I think Edward mentioned that you’re just starting a new job?”

 

I cleared my throat a little before answering. “Yes, just this week. At _The Chicago Lantern_. Have you heard of it?”

 

“I think I have,” Esme said. “It’s a literary review, right?”

 

I nodded.

 

“Bella’s an Assistant Editor. The editor tapped her personally for the job,” Edward said proudly. I laughed and rolled my eyes at him.

 

“Edward, you’re making it sound so much more impressive than it really is.”

 

“Bell, it _is_ impressive. Dida was impressed with you the minute she met you.”

 

“It’s just a tiny review with a very small readership. Nothing too exciting.”

 

“You never know where it might lead, though,” Esme remarked.

 

“Maybe. For now, I’m just excited to be working again. I’m thrilled to have the opportunity, no matter what the venue.”

 

“Tell us what kinds of things they publish,” Esme pressed, so I launched into a brief description of the pieces I was currently working on for the _Lantern’s_ next issue. Esme asked informed questions that told me she was an avid reader, and I liked her even more.

 

It was hard to be nervous around Esme and Carlisle. They were both so down-to-earth and warm. Esme was a lively conversationalist, never letting things slow down or get awkward. After we’d exhausted the _Lantern_ as a subject, they both asked me plenty of other questions— about my childhood in Forks, college, my long friendship with Alice— but I never felt like I was being grilled. They were just friendly and curious. Things might have gotten dodgy when Esme asked how I’d met Edward, but he seamlessly took over the talking, saying simply that we’d met at Alice and Jasper’s wedding. One day, we’d probably have to share all the gory details of exactly how complicated that scenario had really been, but my first dinner with his family was certainly not that time.

 

As Edward told a glossed-over version of our four days in Chicago, I felt his hand curl around my knee under the table and squeeze reassuringly. I reached down and put my hand over his in silent thanks for negotiating this potentially sticky situation so easily. Even though I remembered all too well all the bad parts of that time— the guilt I felt, the battle I waged to keep him at bay— it was nice to hear him tell the “happy version”. He told his parents all about glimpsing each other at the airport and the surprise of meeting again that night at dinner, and about our instant attraction, and the way we kept finding ourselves drawn into conversation with each other. Edward chalked up our long separation simply to the distance and bad timing.

 

Esme leaned forward, her eyes glittering in the light of the taper candles she’d lit on the table, practically vibrating with enthusiasm. “So, how did you reconnect here?”

 

I decided to jump back in and take over for this part, since we were past the awkward bit. “Well, about a month and a half ago, I was out antique shopping with Alice, and while we were trying to get a cab, Edward just ran into us on the sidewalk.”

 

“Just like that? Of all the crazy luck, running into each other on the street like that,” she marveled.

 

Carlisle shrugged, “For a major metropolis, Chicago can also feel like such a small town. I’m always amazed at how often I run into people I know on the streets. The odds should be astronomical, but it happens all the time.”

 

“Well,” Esme said, raising her wine glass, “Let’s toast to astronomical odds and fortuitous meetings.”

 

Edward reached across the table to grasp my hand as we raised our glasses. “To fortuitous meetings,” he said, smiling at me, his eyes soft. I smiled back and squeezed his fingers.

 

“Fortuitous meetings,” I said.

 

“If you all give me a minute, I’ll bring out dessert,” Esme said, pushing back from the table.

 

“Can I help?” I offered. Being one-on-one with her was a little nerve-inducing, but it seemed the polite thing to do.

 

She looked back at me for just a moment. “That would be lovely, Bella. Thank you.”

 

Carlisle cocked an eyebrow, “Bella, you should know; almost no one violates the sanctity of Esme’s kitchen. If she invites you in, that’s how you know you’ve done something right.”

 

“Well, I’ll try my best not to screw it up,” I laughed, before I followed Esme towards the back of the house.

 

The kitchen was huge. It was low-ceilinged and retained the feel of the rest of the house, but much of it had been updated.

 

“Wow,” I breathed, taking in the seemingly endless counter space and top-end appliances. I could go nuts in a place like this. “Esme, I see why you guard your kitchen. This is beautiful.”

 

“There’s a lot about old houses that’s charming,” Esme said, opening one of the glass-front cabinet doors to get down dessert dishes. “But old kitchens generally aren’t one of those things.”

 

“So this is all new?”

 

“The room and a lot of the built-in features, like the cabinets, are original, but we’ve done a lot of renovations on the kitchen and the bathrooms. Of course, because of the house’s status as a historic landmark, the renovations can be difficult and expensive. Can you take these, dear?”

 

I retrieved the dessert dishes from her and set them out on the counter as she moved to the refrigerator. “It sounds like such a huge responsibility.”

 

Esme nodded. “It is. I do it out of love; I’d work on these old homes without any sort of personal connection. But the fact that it’s part of our family history makes it much more special. It’s not just preserving an old house, it’s preserving our heritage, too.”

 

I thought about that as I fetched spoons out of the drawer that she pointed me towards. Esme wasn’t being in any way obvious, but her meaning was clear. This house was her legacy, which meant that one day it would be Edward’s legacy. And if he and I…well, then it would be mine as well. Edward was already such a complete package just on his own. Now I was finding out that he came with his very own piece of American history as part of the deal. It was more than a little daunting.

 

“He’s different, you know.” Esme’s voice made me jump, I’d been so lost in my ruminating.

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Edward. He’s been different since…well, since you.”

 

“Me?”

 

She smiled softly and shrugged. “I’ve been worried about him. I know it seems silly to ever worry about Edward, doesn’t it? He’s so well-adjusted; so smart and sure of himself.”

 

I chuckled knowingly at her spot-on description of him.

 

“He’s disturbingly perfect, and I’m not just saying that because he’s my son,” she said. “It’s always been that way for him. He’s so gifted. School, all of it—  it came so easy for him. Whatever he tried, he excelled at it. He could have done anything at all with his life. Of course, he’s always been sure he wanted to practice medicine. And naturally, he did as well at that as he has everything else. But…”

 

She trailed off and cocked her head to the side, thinking.

 

“But?”

 

“Well, I’m sure he’s told you all about Lenox Hill. Life just has a way of fast-tracking Edward, whether it’s the ultimately the right track for him or not. I was so relieved when he chose to come back here and practice with Carlisle, and not just for selfish reasons. I was worried that life in New York would just eat him alive eventually. As talented as he is, it just wasn’t the right place for him.”

 

“He figured that out for himself,” I said. “It took him a while, but he knows what he wants now.”

 

She looked up at me and smiled, “Yes, he does. He knows exactly what he wants. It’s been so good to see him change, being back in Chicago. It’s like the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders. And then when he met you, it was like he came alive inside.”

 

“You think so?” I asked, trying to suppress the giddy little grin on my face.

 

“I know so. I know his face so well, and when he looks at you…”

 

Esme stopped abruptly and waved her hands in front of her. “He’d absolutely kill me for talking like this. You can’t ever tell him I said those things!”

 

I laughed. “It’ll be our secret. But thank you. For telling me.”

 

“You’re very welcome, Bella.” And I got the feeling, as she smiled at me, that she meant so much more than the little peek inside Edward she’d afforded me. It felt like she was welcoming me into their lives, into their family. It felt good.

 

We just smiled at each other and finished assembling dessert. When we came back to the dining room with our serving trays, Edward and Carlisle were deep in discussion about a patient.

 

“No shop talk at dinner!” Esme cried. “That’s the one thing I never anticipated with Edward joining the practice, Bella,” she said over her shoulder, “These two never turn it off.”

 

“It’s just healthy professional curiosity, Esme,” Carlisle protested mildly. She ran a hand alongside his face lovingly.

 

“It’s just you being a caring person, as always.”

 

The tenderness and intimacy that hummed between them in that moment nearly took my breath away. I looked at Edward and he smirked at me, rolling his eyes dramatically. I supposed it was a lot less sweet when you’d spent your life around it. I remembered back at the wedding, Edward telling me how embarrassed he was as a kid by his parents’ relentless affection, and I had to stifle my laugh. All the same, I loved that about them. They were so clearly still in love with each other, and had such a deep, evident respect for each other.

 

I nearly moaned out loud as I took my first bite of Esme’s dessert. “Esme…oh, my God…this is amazing.”

 

“Do you like it? I’m so glad. It’s Edward’s favorite, you know. I’ll give you the recipe before you leave. Edward said you like to cook, right?”

 

“Yes, I do. That would be great. I’d love the recipe.” I heard Edward chuckle softly at my side, but when I looked at him in question, he simply shrugged.

 

“Nothing,” he said innocently, before taking another huge bite of his dessert.

 

After dessert, Esme took me on the promised tour of the house, leaving Edward and Carlisle behind in his study, back to discussing patients. The rest of the house was every bit as magnificent as the bit I’d seen. All the main bedrooms, including Edward’s childhood room, were on the second floor. His was largely frozen in time, a snapshot of a high school golden boy. Diplomas and certificates were framed on the walls, trophies for swimming and track lined the shelves. Edward running track…Edward on the swim team…yeah…I made a mental note to ask Esme at a later date if she had pictures of him from then. I assured myself that it couldn’t be considered pervy to drool over pictures of a high school boy if the boy in question grew up to be my boyfriend.

 

He seemed to have lived such a charmed life. I had a mostly happy childhood; I had no doubt about that. My father loved me, and did his very best for me within the confines of our circumstances. But Edward’s early life was like something out of a fairy tale. I was sure it couldn’t have been quite so blessed. Over time, I figured I’d see the cracks, the things he’d been unhappy about, or the ways in which he felt slighted. Everybody had something, and surely Edward was no different. But this first glimpse into his early life left me feeling a little like we came from entirely different worlds.

 

The rest of the house tour took a while. Esme had clearly done this many times and had a lot to say about the house. But it was all really interesting and her passion for the subject kept me rapt. I knew almost nothing about Wright and the Prairie School of architecture, but Esme seemed to be a near-expert. We finished up in the library, re-joining Edward and Carlisle, still talking shop. Esme showed me her library, a whole bookshelf devoted to her architecture books. She pulled one weighty, over-sized book down and flipped to a page before handing it to me. I was surprised to see their house, displayed in a glossy photograph, taken from the corner of the block. The page was titled “The Edward Platt House, 1895”. The house had a freaking name. Edward was right; this house was a member of the family, without a doubt.

 

“They’re all named Edward,” Esme said over my shoulder.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

She pointed to the name. “My great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, and my son. All Edwards.”

 

Again, I felt the weight of Edward’s history. They were like a string of noble ghosts, standing behind him, hands resting on his shoulder. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He was standing in front of the desk with his father, talking about some new medical test he’d read about in a journal. I admired their beautiful, matching profiles, so similar except for the hair color. As it so often happened, once I looked, it was like Edward could feel my eyes on him, and he looked over to me. His face transformed, losing that intense, slightly scowling look he had when he was thinking hard, into something softer and far more intimate. _My_ face.

 

“I think we need to get going,” Edward said, a little abruptly. I suppressed my smile, knowing he was eager to be alone again, no matter how delightful his parents were.

 

“Oh, of course,” Esme said lightly, ever the gracious hostess. “Bella, let me just get you that recipe I promised you.”

 

It took us another twenty minutes to actually leave the house. Esme invited me to the monthly Oak Park Historical Society Lecture, and I accepted. She made Edward promise not to be such a stranger now that he had his own place. I felt guilty, since I knew he spent nearly every free moment he had with me. Soon, though, we were at the door and Edward was helping me back into my jacket.

 

“Bella, it was so delightful to have you visit tonight. I hope you’ll come back soon. Edward, please bring her back soon,” Esme said.

 

“It sounds like you two have already made plans that have nothing to do with me, so I’ll stay out of it. I would just be in the way.”

 

“Smart-aleck,” she smiled, before kissing his cheek. Carlisle hugged me goodbye, and so did Esme. I was feeling happy, warm, and quite proud of myself about how well the night had gone. I was pretty sure they liked me and I _knew_ I liked them.

 

Edward kissed his mother’s cheek goodnight before taking my hand and leading me down to the car. I cast one last wave to them both over my shoulder. Carlisle and Esme were standing in front of the open door, arm-in-arm, backlit by the gold light flooding out onto the porch. Just before I turned away, Carlisle leaned down and pressed his lips against Esme’s temple and she smiled, closing her eyes.

 

“Edward, I love them. Your parents are amazing.”

 

He chuckled and cast a glance over his shoulder at the house. Once he assured himself that they’d gone back inside, he turned to me, stepping forward, backing me into the side of the car. My pulse fluttered and raced as his hips pressed lightly against mine and his hand came up to cup my cheek.

 

“Well, they liked you, too, so I’d say the night was a complete success. Feel better now?”

 

“Mmm hmm. I feel _really_ better at the moment, actually,” I murmured, grabbing his hips and pulling him into me. He groaned softly.

 

“Come over to my place tonight?”

 

I smiled and nodded. “Why were you laughing when your mom offered me that recipe? Don’t think I didn’t notice you.”

 

He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s just…Mom is really protective of her butterscotch mousse recipe. Tons of people have asked her for it and she never gives it up. And she just offered it to you out of the blue.”

 

“Why would she do that?”

 

“I told you— she likes you. And she can see how much you mean to me. I think it was just her overeager way of saying ‘welcome to the family’.” Edward stiffened slightly, looking closely into my face. “Does that freak you out?”

 

I let the idea settle in, that Edward’s wonderful, loving parents had essentially just opened their arms wide to me and asked me in to their family. “No,” I said sincerely, “it doesn’t freak me out at all. It’s wonderful, actually.”

 

Edward exhaled and smiled, leaning in to kiss me gently. “Good. Because I think it’s wonderful, too.”

 

He pulled away with a sigh and opened my door for me. On the drive back towards Wicker Park, I leaned my head back on the headrest and turned to look at him. His perfect profile was intermittently illuminated by the streetlights we passed under as we drove. His eyes were on the road and his expression was relaxed and happy.

 

“Edward?”

 

“Hmm?” he answered absently.

 

“You have money,” I stated.

 

He cocked an eyebrow in surprise and turned to glance at me. “Excuse me?”

 

“I figured you must have before, but now seeing your parents’ house made it kind of clear. You have money, right?”

 

“What exactly do you mean?”

 

I sighed, slightly exasperated. “You have more in your bank account than you earn in your paycheck, right?”

 

“Oh,” he said, giving an awkward chuckle. “Yeah…I have a trust fund. Is that what you mean?”

 

Now it was my turn to laugh. “Yeah, _that’s_ what I mean.”

 

“Do you want to know how much?”

 

“No! I mean, that’s your business. I just…I don’t know. I’ve never known anybody with a trust fund. I’m just trying to wrap my brain around it.”  
  


“I’m just me, Bella,” he said hesitantly, sounding uncharacteristically anxious.

 

“I know that. It doesn’t change who you are to me at all. You know that, right?”

 

He turned his head to look at me again. “But you’re curious, aren’t you?”

 

I nodded reluctantly, because I was curious, but I didn’t want to prod him.

 

“Okay, here’s the whole story. My great-great-grandfather, the one who built the house, made the money. In manufacturing. It was a family business until my grandfather took it public in fifty-nine. That’s where the trusts come from. Honestly, my dad and I aren’t really adding to the bottom line with the line of work we’ve chosen. Quite the opposite, actually. But yes, my mother had a trust fund and I have a smaller one. Not enough to set me up for life or anything, but yeah…there’s some money there.”

 

I let that sink in for a minute. “You seem…well, not exactly secretive, but you don’t show it off.”

 

“In the past, sometimes I’ve found that people…women…found the trust fund a little more interesting than they found _me_.”

 

I laughed out loud at that and he looked back at me, puzzled. “Edward, I can’t imagine ever finding a bank account more interesting than you.”

 

“I’m glad to hear that. Seriously, Bella, it doesn’t weird you out?”

 

“Seriously, Edward, no. Like I said, it’s just a foreign concept to me, but I’ll get used to it.”

 

“Good. Because it’s just money, Bella. I didn’t earn it; it doesn’t really mean anything. It allows me to be comfortable to a certain degree, but it doesn’t affect who I am. At least, I like to think it doesn’t.”

 

I reached across the console to rest my hand on his thigh. “Of course it doesn’t affect who you are.”

 

He said nothing, but I could still sense the tension and unease in him. The subject had unsettled him, and there was only one thing for me to do about that. I never wanted Edward to feel that I wanted him for anything other than just himself. Because he was _plenty_ just as he was.

 

I leaned across, until my lips were nearly against the side of his neck. I exhaled across his skin and heard him draw in a sharp breath. “After all, it’s just money. The money doesn’t kiss me like you do.” I kissed his skin and he let a breath out slowly, keeping his eyes studiously fixed on the road. “The money doesn’t touch me like you do.” I slid my hand on his thigh further up and squeezed. He groaned. “And the money doesn’t love me. You do.”

 

“Yes, I do,” he murmured in a hoarse rasp.

 

“And I don’t love the money. Only you. I only love you.”

 

“Bella…”

 

“Drive faster, Edward.”

 

“Hang on.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	26. Everything You Gave

 

**_Bella_ **

 

 

“Sam?”

 

“It’s Bella!” Sam’s voice vibrated through my phone, his delight evident in his tone. Over the past few months, through my regular phone calls back to Seattle, he and I had become rather close. We’d talk about Jay, but he also reminisced with me about my father. He gave me a peek at a side of him that I’d never known, which meant a lot to me.

 

“Hi, Sam. I’m just calling to check in and see if there’s anything new.”

 

“Well, not exactly.”

 

“Wait. What does that mean?” Every week, when I called and asked for news, Sam would just sigh and say there was nothing to report. This was the first time he’d ever hinted that something had changed.

 

“Well, I don’t know anything about where Jay might be, but—“

 

“But what?”

 

“Let me just say that what I’m about to tell you stays between us. It’s information on an open investigation and I’m not supposed to be telling you any of it.”

 

“Sam, you can trust me. Please, just tell me what’s going on.”

 

“We’ve gotten a few reports now of unusual incidents at the home of Eleazar Arroyo-Torres.”

 

My heart turned over in my chest and I felt my blood run cold. Jay’s boss. “Wh…what kind of incidents?”

 

“Well, somebody broke the lock on the garage door. Looked like they poked around in there, but nothing was missing. Another time, the phone lines went down and when the phone company came out, they found the line to the house had been cut. And a few days ago, he called us out again. Somebody jimmied the basement window.”

 

“Oh, God,” I gasped. “It’s Jay, isn’t it?”

 

I heard Sam sigh on the other end of the line. “We’re pretty sure. Also….there have been letters.”

 

“What kind of letters?”

 

“Anonymous ones. Not mailed, just left in his mailbox.”

 

“What do they say?”

 

“Nothing that makes much sense. You know the kinds of stuff he was writing towards the end.”

 

I sighed and pressed my fingertips to my forehead between my eyes as the memory of Jay’s frantic, incomprehensible scribbling came back to me. “Yeah, I remember.”

 

“That’s why we’re pretty sure it’s him. He hasn’t tried anything directly yet, but we have to assume the incidents will escalate, seeing as how Jay seems fixated Mr. Arroyo-Torres.”

 

“We have to find him,” I said, hearing the panic in my own voice. “Before he does something really bad.” Eleazar might have been an arrogant creep, but I still didn’t want anything bad to happen to him just because he had the misfortune to become the object of Jay’s delusions.

 

“I agree. But with him presumably living on the streets, that’s hard to do. He’s essentially off the grid right now. Bella, I’ve told you before; this isn’t your concern anymore. You did all you could do.”

 

“I know. But there’s nobody else to worry about him.”

 

“That doesn’t mean it has to be you.”

 

“I get that. But I don’t think I can stop.”

 

Sam sighed heavily through the phone line. “I don’t think you can, either.”

 

“Just please, try to find him before he does something awful.”

 

“We’re doing our best, Bella.”

 

“I know you are, Sam. And you know how much I appreciate it, don’t you?”

 

He chuckled. “Yeah, I do.”

 

Now it was my turn to sigh. “”You go so far above and beyond the job for me.”

 

“I told you— you’re family, and we take care of our own.”

 

“Thank you. Really. I don’t know what I would have done through all of this without you.”

 

“Don’t mention it. I’m just glad you’re doing well out there in Chicago. It is going well, isn’t it?”

 

I thought about everything I had in my life now; my job, my friends…Edward. “Yeah, Sam. Everything here is amazing.”

 

“Your dad would be so happy to know that, Bella.”

 

“I know he would.”

 

*0*0*

 

 

Something about the tense was just wrong. The whole piece broke all sorts of grammar rules; that went without saying. But within the linguistic construct this author had created, something was still off and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

 

Of course, concentrating was hard with the chaos currently surrounding me.

 

“Gianna!” Riley whined plaintively.

 

“Riley, I said no,” Gianna snapped back at him.

 

“But G, he’s totally going to be at the club tonight. It’s my _moment_. Don’t make me go alone!” Riley was one of the college interns, tall, lithe, impeccably dressed and completely obsessed with an edgy young writer who tackled gay themes that he’d met through _The Lantern_. He’d found out this afternoon, via his crazy Twitter network, that his young man was definitely showing up at some rave later on that night, and he was trying to put together his posse for the hunt.

 

“Riley,” Gianna huffed, turning to face him, hands on her hips, “Do I look like I belong at a gay club with you?”

 

“Trust me, darling, there’s a whole segment of the population there that would be so into you. I could totally hook you up.”

 

“I’m straight, Riley.”

 

He scoffed and waved a dismissive hand over his head. “If you’re open-minded, I could make this work for you.”

 

“Ladies, ladies,” Dida barked from her desk as she hung up from her phone call. “We’re putting an issue to bed in two weeks. Can we focus? And Riley, what have I told you about trying to turn Gianna into a lesbian?”

 

Didaaaa,” he groaned, but Dida just chuckled and held her hand up to silence him. With a huff, Riley turned back to his computer screen and made a pretense of paying attention to it. In the momentary lull, I tried to turn my attention back to the pages in front of me.   
  


“Bella?” Dida interrupted me. “I need you, sweetness.”

 

With a sigh, I stacked my pages and set them off to the side. “What’s up?” I asked as I swiveled in my chair to face her. My desk sat about ten feet in front of Dida’s along the windows facing the street. I could have set it up to face either direction, but I purposely chose to face away from her because Dida was just too distracting. Her phone rang non-stop all day and her loud, ribald conversations with people from every walk of the literary life were absolutely fascinating. I could still hear her from where I sat, but she was marginally less distracting if I couldn’t see her.

 

I’d quickly fallen into the day-to-day routine at _The Lantern_. It was such a free-wheeling environment that everyone was happy to let me set myself up according to any system I saw fit. I got the sense that they were all mildly amused by how organized and anal I was, but I didn’t mind the teasing. There were plenty of quirks and eccentricities about everybody else working at _The Lantern_ , so I doled out my fair share of teasing in return.

 

I had to get used to Santiago and his world-weary ennui, Lucy and her edgy, vibrant energy, Nessie the cat, that always, _always_ insisted on laying right in the middle of my desk on top of whatever I happened to be working on, the interns and their myriad of college social dramas that played out in the offices. Things frustrated me; things exasperated me; but I’d never felt more alive and excited in my life. I couldn’t wait to get to the office every morning; I couldn’t wait to see what my email held for me, and what was next on my plate. For all the personality quirks and oddities of the staff, I quickly came to love them all like family. One big, lovable, dysfunctional family.

 

“I need you to take a look at this piece for me,” Dida said, leaning forward in her chair and thrusting a ratty sheaf of papers at me. Dida couldn’t read on the computer, so she printed out every submission and marked them up with a pen. Because stories floated between several hands, and whatever we did had to be able to transfer seamlessly to Dida, we all had to work on printed hard copies. It was an adjustment, but I was used to it now. I lugged a messenger bag full of paper-clipped pages with me everywhere I went.

 “I don’t know,” she continued, “I’ve read it a million times. There’s a thousand reasons why I should reject it—“

 

But you want to accept it, right?” I said, looking up with a smile.

 

She smirked back at me. “It’s just got something, you know? But the kid needs help. I don’t know what to tell him, but you’ve got a knack with these things. Make him one of your ducklings.”

 

In the month I’d been working at _The Lantern,_ I’d developed a reputation as a mother hen to young writers in need of guidance. In retrospect, I supposed I’d always been that way. The instinct to scoop them under my wing and give them direction had flared up again brightly as soon as I’d started reading submissions. Santiago had started calling me “Mother Duck” and the writers I struggled the most with “my ducklings”, and the nickname just stuck…for them and, sadly, for me, too. It was even funnier, at least in Santiago’s opinion, because my last name was Swan. Yeah, that’s _hysterical_.

 

I snickered, but started to skim the piece in my hand. “Ugh…Well, first of all, he’s got to stop giving his characters porn names.”

 

“Yeah, there’s that,” Dida laughed. “Although I’m the last person to ever disparage an unusual name.”

 

“What’s the story there, anyway?” I’d been dying of curiosity about her name and she’d just left the door wide open, “Is it a family name?”

 

Dida gave an entirely unladylike snort. “Hardly. My real name is Roberta.”

 

“What??” I shrieked. I sat up sharply in my chair, gaping at her. “Where the hell did Didyme come from?”

 

Dida leaned back and squinted at the ceiling. “It was at a Heart concert in…um, seventy-seven, maybe? I don’t know.” She heaved a heavy sigh. “When anybody else drops acid, the trees just sing to them and shit. The goddamn trees told _me_ to change my name to Didyme. And like an idiot, I actually did it. By the time the eighties rolled around and I’d come to my senses, I was published. No going back.”

 

“Dida, that is just…”

 

“Go ahead. Mock freely. Everyone does. I tell you, your generation has no idea how to really _regret_ shit the way mine did.”

 

I burst out into laughter and in a moment, she joined me. We were interrupted, as we always were, by her phone ringing. People were always calling Dida, for all kinds of reasons— publishers and editors from publishing houses looking for feedback on new writers, literary critics wanting to pick her brain about the latest releases, and always, her old friends and colleagues from the Chicago Collective. Sometimes they actually called for work-related reasons, but mostly they just called to talk and gossip. Eavesdropping on Dida’s conversations was enlightening in a way countless years of school could never be.

 

I turned back to my desk and my new assignment, preparing to dig in and finally focus, when my own cell phone went off by my elbow.   
  


_E_

 

“Hey, you,” I murmured in the sexiest voice I could manage as soon as I picked up.

 

There was a slight pause, and then I heard him clear his throat. “Um, hey yourself.” His voice was a low rasp and I was immediately turned on. To be honest, I was kind of turned on as soon as I saw his first initial flash on the screen. I was so easy where he was concerned.

 

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” And it was. _Such_ a pleasure.

 

“I just got off the train. I’m a block away. Surprise.”

 

“You came all the way down here to surprise me?”

 

“My last patient cancelled and I wanted to…I just wanted you. Can I come up?”

 

His words set off an avalanche of physical reactions in my body, flushed cheeks, tingling skin, and all kinds of things sat up at attention. The way I responded to him was just shameful. And incredible.

 

“I’ll see you in a few,” I finally managed to mumble.

 

“Love you,” he said, before he hung up.

 

I spent the next few moments packing up my stuff so I’d be ready to go, stuffing papers and notepads into my bag, along with my laptop. Once I heard the buzzer sound from the street level, I picked up the pace, wanting to escape with him as soon as he appeared.

 

“Look who it is!” Gianna sang out, as soon as Edward ducked into the front door.

 

“Hi, Gianna,” Edward said, “Nice to see you again.”

 

Nessie, who had been curled in a near-comatose ball on the corner of my desk for hours, sat up abruptly, fully awake, at the sound of his voice. Then she scrambled off my desk in a furry panic, knocking my pen holder to the floor and sending papers flying, in her desperation to reach Edward. She adored him to a ridiculous, obsessive extent. He’d spent probably less than two hours total in the office in intermittent visits, but he was her favorite human in the world from the instant he’d first stepped through the door. Edward was very good-natured in the face of Nessie’s devotion, always crouching down to scratch her ears and never complaining when she shed her hair all over the bottoms of his pants legs. Seeing him cuddle her was really, really hot.

 

Edward was a bit of a favorite of everyone in the office, to be frank. No one else was actually involved in any sort of serious relationship, so we were a novelty to them, and they chose to treat Edward as a kind of pet or mascot. He was good-natured about that, too.

 

“Nessie!” Gianna scolded, scrambling around her desk to scoop up the pushy cat. “Leave poor Edward alone, you shameless whore!”

 

“It’s alright, Gianna. She doesn’t mean any harm,” Edward laughed, working his way around the desks towards me. Planting his hands on the edge, he leaned all the way across it to me. I tilted my face up to him with a smile. His eyes flashed with his answering grin as his face lowered to mine and he kissed me.

 

“Mmm. Missed you,” he murmured softly.

 

“Hola, Eduardo!” Santiago called across the room, breaking up our quiet little greeting.

 

Dida was still on the phone, but she smiled and nodded her head in greeting at Edward.    
  


“Oooh, Edward!” Riley sat up a little straighter. I shot him a warning glare. He cocked one perfect eyebrow back at me. “What? I was just going to see if he wanted to come with us to Backslash tonight.”

 

“Um, Backslash?” Edward looked at me apprehensively.

 

“Don’t ask,” I warned him. “I think we have plans, Riley. Right?” I turned to Edward. “Plans? Big ones?”

 

“Yes, _super_ big plans,” Edward said, catching on quickly, “But thanks, Riley.”

 

Riley shook his head sadly. “Total waste,” he sighed.

 

I rolled my eyes. “ Riley, quit perving on my boyfriend.”

 

“Well, don’t flaunt him in front of me, then! I’m only human, Bella!”

 

“Um, I _am_ standing right here,” Edward protested awkwardly.

 

“Not for long,” I said, hefting my bag onto my shoulder. Edward reached out and slipped it right back off and onto his. I knew better at this point to argue with him. It was a waste of air, so I let him carry my bag.

 

“Are you guys off to do really dirty things together?” Riley, clapping his hands eagerly. “Bella, promise you’ll tell me all about them tomorrow? Pleeease?”

 

“Riley, you can’t handle what I would tell you,” I shot back, pulling a stunned, open-mouthed Edward after me to the door. Riley gasped and shrieked, and I dissolved into laughter before we made it out the door. I was pretty sure I made Edward blush.

 

*0*0*

 

“Bella?”

 

I was folded up in the middle of Edward’s bed, my laptop open in front of me. At the sound of his voice, my fingers froze over the keys. I blinked a few times as the fog cleared.

 

I had been writing. Actual words. For the first time in five years, I opened up a blank document and words flew out of my fingers and on to the page. It had started slowly over the last few weeks. During my commute to and from work every day, with my earphones plugged in and my music playing, I’d started imagining snippets of conversations, ghosts of characters, the ticklings of plot lines. None of it was terribly clear or coherent, certainly nothing like an actual story idea, but all the same, the voices just wouldn’t shut up.

 

Tonight, I’d come straight from the train station to Edward’s apartment, my head still fuzzy with words. He’d answered the door with his phone to his ear, smiling apologetically. Within a few seconds, I could tell he was on the phone with a hospital about one of his patients, so I’d just kissed his cheek and left him to finish up while I went to stretch out on the bed.

 

Except the words still wouldn’t go away, so without over-thinking it, I fired up my laptop, opened a new document and typed.

 

Now I was staring at a blinking cursor and 500 brand new words, the first I’d written in years. I felt a little light-headed, almost drunk.

 

“Bella?” Edward called again from the door. “Here you are. Sorry about that. I just had to talk to the admitting physician.”

 

“No problem,” I mumbled, my eyes skimming back over what I’d just written. It wasn’t bad.

 

“What are you doing?” I felt the bed shift as he came to kneel behind me, one hand on my shoulder.

 

“Writing.”

 

Edward paused a moment. “Seriously? You’ve started writing again?”

  
I shook my head, confused. “No, I haven’t. Well, I _hadn’t_. Then tonight, I just started. I wasn’t planning to, it just happened.”

 

He pressed his lips against the back of my shoulder, “Bella, that’s fantastic.” He sat down behind me, his legs stretching out on either side of me.

 

“I don’t know what it means. I’m not even sure I have anything specific to write, I just…”

 

Edward reached his arm around the front of my shoulders, pulling me up against his chest and silencing me. “It doesn’t matter. Don’t over-analyze it. That’s what I hear you and Dida saying all the time, right?”

 

I nodded, letting my head fall back against his shoulder. “It’s just that I left all this behind because it was too painful. I’m not looking to re-open all those wounds, know what I mean?”

 

He motioned at my computer with his free hand, “Did this hurt?”

 

“No, it felt kind of cathartic, actually.”

 

“So, just let it come when it comes, and stop if it hurts. I’m a doctor and that’s my official medical advice.”

 

I laughed, and relaxed back into the warmth of his chest and arms. “Okay, then, Dr. Cullen. You know I always follow the advice of my physician.”

 

He chuckled, the sound vibrating through my body, and I felt my body stand up at attention. I ran my hands down his thighs to his knees and then back up. He dipped his head in to kiss the side of my neck before he spoke, low and sexy, right next to my ear. “Is that so? Always?”

 

“Mmm-hmm. The doctor knows best, after all.”

 

He dropped one hand down to my stomach, his fingers stroking, pushing the hem of my shirt up and out of the way. When his hand pressed down on my bare skin, I sighed and closed my eyes, rubbing my palms up his thighs again.

 

“Well, then, as your physician, I advise you to go straight to bed.”

 

“Really? Straight to bed? Is the situation that serious, doctor?”

 

“Mmm-hmm. It’s very serious.” His long fingers swept my stomach, slipping under the waistband of my jeans, down to the edge of my panties. “And these need to come off right away.”

 

“You think so?”

 

“Yes, I do,” he murmured, before biting my earlobe. His fingers were already flicking open the button on my jeans, sliding down the zipper. “They’re restricting blood flow. And we can’t have that.”

 

“No,” I exhaled on a sigh as he took advantage of the extra room and slid his hand down to settle between my thighs. “Good blood flow is so important.”

 

“For some things,” he growled, pressing harder and making me gasp and arch against him, “It’s vital.”

 

“Edward…” I moaned, unable to sustain the playful banter when he was touching me that way. His fingers found my bare skin and I writhed, digging my nails into his thighs. His breathing grew ragged in my ear.

 

“Yeah?” he whispered in question as he shifted his fingers against me, _just_ in the right place.

 

I couldn’t answer, I could only whimper as my body wound up and the tension built low in my belly. He held me pressed against his chest as both hands worked me over, one between my legs and the other on my breast. I reached back with one hand to grip him by the back of the neck, needing something to anchor me as he drove me right to the edge.

 

“Please…” I whispered.

 

Then he held and he pressed and pushed me over.

 

Edward cradled me against his chest as every muscle I had tensed all at once and then went slack. My eyelids fluttered closed and I floated on the sensation as my body sang. I felt him shift behind me, laying me back. I left my eyes closed as he pulled my clothes the rest of the way off my body.

 

“I’m kind of desperate for you, Bell,” he muttered in my ear, as he slipped my panties down off my hips.

 

I shifted towards him. “Then take me. I want you to. Everything.”

 

He groaned into my shoulder and I felt his body press me down into the bed, all hot, bare skin. His hands held my waist as my legs came up to wrap around his hips.

 

“I want so much,” he said. “All of you. All the time.”

 

“You have me.” The last word came out in a gust as he pushed into me. He exhaled hard against my neck. His fingers slid down and dug into my thighs.

 

He began first to move, and then to pound into me. My already-sensitized body flew into overdrive. I felt lost, unable to do more than hang onto his shoulders as he did just what he said— he took me.

 

He pulled my knee up, pressing my thigh back into my chest and open, pushing deeper and harder. I moaned, more helpless than ever.

 

I was so close already, and then I was there again, not the sharp-edged release of a moment ago. This one was like a hot, slow flowering inside, bubbling up and sweeping out to my toes and fingertips. Through the fog, I heard Edward gasp and then shudder. His hands grabbed at me almost roughly, before he heaved and curled into me, then finally fell on me, spent.

 

Moments later, his hands were gentle as he lowered my leg and stroked my face, pressing his sweaty forehead against mine, as his breathing slowed. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down, resting his head on my chest.

 

“I love you,” I murmured.

 

“Jesus, do I love you,” he said breathlessly.

 

“Do you think we’ll ever get bored of that?”

 

“I could never, ever get bored of doing that with you,” he said solemnly, pressing his lips against my nipple for emphasis. I laughed and rolled out from under him.

 

“That’s good,” I said, as I scrambled out of bed and tugged on his hand, “because I’m taking a shower and I was really hoping for a little company.”

 

“Right behind you, baby.”

 

 

*0*0*

 

I was pulled from my heavy sleep by the low, soothing rumble of Edward’s voice. It comforted me just to hear it, and I wanted to let it rock me back into unconsciousness. But his bed was vast and cold; his warm body wasn’t next to me. And his voice was far away, in another room.

 

Propping myself up on my elbows, I blinked the sleep away. I felt a little boneless and well-used after our activities earlier in the evening, but it was a good feeling. A little sensuous and wanton. I liked it. We’d fallen asleep together afterward, but now he was up and out of bed in the middle of the night, which was unusual for him. Usually, he stayed curled up around me all night long.

 

Swinging my feet out of bed, I retrieved Edward’s wrinkled white button-down shirt from the floor and shrugged into it. It still smelled like him, and I took a minute to bury my nose in the sleeve. I craved him. His smell made me want to touch him, which drove me to my feet in search of him.

 

I followed the sound of his voice out into the living room. He was sitting on the couch, curled forward, elbows on his knees, cradling his cell phone against his ear.

 

His new apartment was nice, and spacious. But it was new-construction and a little bit soulless, in my opinion. It didn’t help that he’d barely furnished the place. He’d bought only the essential furniture items, all tasteful, but generic. He hadn’t put up pictures or set out knickknacks. Anyone could have lived here. Still, it was huge and clean. All the appliances were new, and the bathroom was a luxury spa compared to mine. Plus, he had air-conditioning and I didn’t, so that usually decided things. We rarely spent a night apart, regardless of whose apartment we were in.

 

I padded closer to the couch and he finally heard my footsteps. He looked up and the tired, anxious expression on his face immediately softened. He stretched out an arm and I moved in, until he’d curled it around my hips. He rested his head on my stomach and I ran my fingers absently through his crazy bed-hair, watching the colors shift as I moved it. Somehow his hair managed to look even better when he’d just crawled out of bed. Since he’d pulled me in, I didn’t feel awkward about listening to his conversation.

 

“So what does it seem like to you, Sam?”

 

My stomach plunged with anxiety. Over the past few weeks, Edward had gotten more involved in my continued monitoring of the Jay situation. At first, he’d just peppered me with questions about Sam and what was happening back in Seattle. Eventually, I’d told Sam about Edward, and gone as far as giving him Edward’s cell, in case there was ever any news and he couldn’t reach me for some reason. Sam had called Edward a few times, and now they had a decent phone rapport going.

 

Edward knew a lot more about social services and the procedures that were in place for dealing with someone like Jay. Granted, he was familiar with the New York systems, and that was Washington, but he had a better idea than I did of who handled what. He’d made some calls, too, introducing himself as “Dr. Cullen”, and made a few contacts in various city and state agencies— people we could call on if and when Jay ever turned up.

 

There had been a few more incidents at Eleazar’s house— his mailbox had been vandalized and he suspected someone was stealing the mail, and he’d found his newspaper burned to a crisp on his doorstep one morning. Each little incident indicated, at least to me, that it was Jay, getting closer to him.

 

Every time Sam called, my heart clenched with dread.

 

My fingers twisted into Edward’s shirt and his eyes shot up to mine. Seeing the panic on my face, he shook his head and mouthed, “It’s okay.” I let my breath out in a shaky exhale.

 

Edward listened to what Sam said again before replying. “Well, that helps narrow the field at least, right?...Uh-huh….Alright, thanks again for the call. Don’t worry about the time. Call whenever you know something…Thanks, Sam.”

 

Edward ended the call and tossed his cell phone onto the couch next to him before reaching up to wrap his free arm around my hips. I fisted my hands into his shirt on his shoulders.

 

“What happened?”

 

“One of Eleazar’s neighbors reported seeing a suspicious man loitering in the neighborhood today. The description matches Jay’s. Sam thinks he might be staying nearby, maybe in a garage or an empty house or something. They’re going to step up patrols.”

 

I nodded, making myself relax my hands. “My phone was on silent. I must have missed his call. Sorry he woke you.” I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes slightly and leaned into me.

 

Edward shook his head, “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t want to wake you.”

 

“Thank you. For all of this. It means so much to me, Edward. He’s not your problem.”

 

“But he’s your problem, which makes him my problem. Bell, I plan on having a really long, happy life with you. He’s always going to be a part of your past. And I know you. You need to be okay with how you leave things or it’s always going to eat at you.”

 

My breath caught in my throat and all I could do was stare down into his face, stunned by all of it…his casual mention of our long life together, his unending generosity and understanding where Jay was concerned. I loved him so much in that moment that my body didn’t feel big enough to contain it all.

 

“Thank you again,” I finally whispered. ‘Thank you’ seemed so inadequate in the face of all Edward had done and continued to do for me, but it was all I had to offer.

 

“Don’t thank me, Bell. You’d probably have a lot less guilt about him if you and I hadn’t done what we did. And since I pursued you in spite of your situation, it _is_ kind of my problem, too.”

 

“Edward, you know I wanted to, right? You didn’t convince me to do anything I didn’t want to do.”

 

“I know. But you were trying to do the right thing, and I came after you anyway.”

 

“I wanted you to come after me,” I said softly. “That was hard for me to admit to myself, but I wanted you so badly.” He exhaled long and slow, his thumbs stroking my waist through the fabric of his shirt. “So you see, you really don’t have anything to feel guilty about.” I reached up and stroked his face, from his cheekbone down along the length of his jaw. “And I’m still saying thank you.”

 

Edward tipped his head forward, until his forehead was pressing into the soft skin of my stomach. His hands slid from my waist down to the backs of my thighs. “Come back to bed and thank me properly,” he murmured softly.

 

I pushed his head back until he looked at me. I moved forward until my shins hit the couch, then I crawled up on it on my knees, caging his legs with mine. “What’s wrong with right here?”

 

He shook his head, reaching up to capture my face and pull it down to his. “Nothing, baby. Here is perfect.”

 

 

**  
**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	27. Independence

**  
**

 

 

**_Edward_ **

****

I could hear Bella singing softly to herself in the bathroom. If that hadn’t woken me up, the blinding summer sunshine flooding through her windows would have. And if that wasn’t enough, it was hot as hell in here, too.

 

As the days had warmed up, Bella’s apartment had gone from too cold to too hot. In the winter, the wind and cold seeped through every crack around the windows. In the summer, the sun hit those windows and the heat got trapped inside. The place had essentially turned into a greenhouse.

 

I moaned and stretched a little, my feet immediately falling over the edge of her mattress. I wanted my bed. My me-sized bed; and I wanted her in it with me. But today was July fourth and Jasper and Alice were throwing some big barbecue in the backyard, so it had made sense to spend the night here.

 

From the sounds of it, Bella was out of the shower and nearly finished in there. I wondered idly if I’d be able to lure her back into bed when she came out. I could tell that wasn’t going to happen the second she left the bathroom. She was already dressed, in a tank top and a little pair of cut-off shorts that made me suddenly grateful for the early summer heat that had settled over Chicago. Sadly, the heat also made her scoop all her pretty dark hair up into a ponytail where I couldn’t get at it. But it did leave her neck exposed, so I’d have to settle for kissing her there whenever I got the chance. It always made her sigh when I did that.

 

She blew out of the bathroom, right past me, and back towards the refrigerator.

 

“What are you up to so early?” I mumbled, my voice still thick with sleep.

 

“I promised Alice I’d come over and help her prep. Honestly, I don’t know why she insists on always inviting people over when she can’t so much as boil water.”

 

I propped myself up on one elbow to watch her work. She was bent at the waist, her head buried in the fridge. Was she fucking kidding me with those cut-offs? They stopped just below the curve of her ass, leaving the whole long expanse of the backs of her thighs exposed. I swallowed hard and licked my lips in anticipation. She turned to look at me over her shoulder and cocked an eyebrow at the expression she saw on my face.  “C’mere,” I said, my voice making it clear what I wanted, in case my face didn’t convince her.

 

She laughed and shook her head. “Nice try. If I let you get one hand on me, we both know what will happen. And I have places to be today.”

 

“Bellaaaa.”

 

“Edwaaard,” she mimicked with an eye-roll.

 

I fell back on the bed and groaned in frustration.

 

“You can go back to sleep if you want,” Bella said as she arranged her stuff at the kitchen counter, “Nobody’s coming over till nearly noon.”

 

“Bed’s no fun without you in it, too,” I muttered.

 

I sat up once I saw her heading in my direction, arms laden with covered bowls and plates. “I’m going to be busy all morning cooking, so just have a lazy morning,” she said, “Come down when you’re feeling social.”

 

“Well, if you’re cooking, at least I know everything will taste great.”

 

“Flatterer.”

 

“Truth. You know I love your cooking.”

 

She smiled down at me. “I can’t bend over or I’ll drop this. Come give me a kiss.”

 

I pushed up on my knees, holding onto her hips while I kissed her cheek. I couldn’t resist running one hand down over her ass and down that incredible thigh. Soft and silky, just like I was imagining.   
  


“Hey, none of that,” she laughed, stepping back away from me. But I saw her eyes flicker downward, where I knew the sheet had fallen away, and she couldn’t hide the look on her face.

  
I smirked, “Better not keep Alice waiting.”

 

She just shook her head and muttered something under her breath before backing out the front door with her stuff. I listened to the clatter of her steps on the wooden stairs. Although the idea of a lazy morning in general was a nice one, it didn’t sound nearly as fun with no Bella to share it with. I toyed with the idea of hunting down Jasper and seeing if he wanted to hang out until it was time to fire up the grill. But one thing kept me away from Alice’s house this morning: Colonel Brandon. Alice’s parents had arrived the day before to spend the long holiday weekend with them. I couldn’t avoid him forever; they’d be at the barbecue for sure. But the last time I’d seen the Colonel, I was half-dressed and I’d just finished defiling a very taken Bella. I was going to allow myself a little longer to hide from what was sure to be a mortifying meeting.

 

Instead, I rolled to my side and pulled Bella’s pillow into my chest, hoping that the lingering smell of her hair might coax me back into sleep.

 

*0*0*

 

 

“There you are, man!” Jasper called when I finally made my way down the stairs several hours later. “I thought you were going to sleep right through the party!”

 

I shrugged and rubbed the back of my neck as I made my way across the small back yard to the wooden deck. “Yeah, sorry about that. I fell back to sleep and I was out like a light for hours. Funny, I usually don’t sleep so much.”

 

Jasper motioned with his spatula to a large plastic cooler in the corner. “Beer,” he said succinctly. I fished out a bottle from under the ice and reveled in the first cold pulls in the middle of all this heat and sun. All the extra sleep combined with the warm, sunny day in the company of friends and Bella not too far away combined to leave me feeling slightly boneless and content.

 

I opened my mouth to ask where Bella was, when she suddenly backed through the kitchen door carrying a platter of food. I hurried to take it from her.

  
”Thanks,” she smiled up at me. “Have you been sleeping all this time?”

 

“Yeah, I nodded back off and that was it. I was out.”

 

She reached up and ran her fingers lightly through the top of my hair, arranging it to her satisfaction, “Good, I’m glad. You never sleep enough.”

 

I couldn’t resist shooting her a roguish grin. “And who’s fault is that?”

 

She slapped me lightly on the arm. “Smartass.”

 

“So you always say.”

 

“Because it’s true. But you’d better behave yourself today. There are parentals present.”

 

I groaned softly. “Are they inside?”

 

“Yeah, chatting with Angela and Ben. They got here a little while ago. What’s wrong?”

 

“Bella,” I gave her a meaningful look, “Surely you remember the last time I saw Alice’s father?”

 

She blinked once and then blushed, the color slowly spreading across the arc of her cheekbones. “Oh.”

 

“Yeah…” I chuckled. “ _Oh_.”

 

“Right…well, just be normal, okay? I need to go help Alice bring out the rest of the food.”

 

I leaned down to kiss her lightly before she disappeared back into the house. Rose came out as Bella went in, and after they briefly hugged hello, she joined Jasper and me at the grill. Jessica arrived a few minutes later, not even bothering to get near the kitchen, lest she get drafted to help. Instead, she just parked herself in a lounge chair with a beer, slapped her oversized sunglasses on, and proceeded to bake herself in the sun.

 

The delicious smell of the grill enticed all the guests outside, one by one. It was a happy, milling mix, and although I saw Alice’s parents across the deck, we hadn’t actually stumbled across each other yet. Okay, maybe I was avoiding them a little bit, but Jasper kept me busy helping with the grill, so I could rationalize that I was needed where I was.

 

Finally, I looked across the deck to see Bella talking with the Colonel and Mrs. Brandon. Her smile was bright and relaxed, and he made her laugh several times. These people were the closest thing Bella had to family; I needed to make sure that I was in their good graces. So I excused myself from Jasper, and crossed over to stand behind Bella.

 

I wrapped my arm snugly around her shoulders as soon as I reached her, in some kind of effort to show them right off the bat that we were together, that she was my girlfriend. I wasn’t just some sleazebag who seduced her and ran. I wanted them to see immediately that I was here and staying.

 

“Hey!” Bella said brightly. “You remember Alice’s parents, right? Colonel and Mrs. Brandon?”

 

“Of course,” I said, reaching out to shake Mrs. Brandon’s hand. “Nice to see you again.”

 

“Oh, none of that ‘Mrs. Brandon’ stuff. Call me Cheryl,” she smiled. Ah, yes, I remembered her well.

 

I turned to the Colonel and held out my hand. My _free_ hand. The one that _wasn’t_ firmly wrapped around Bella. “Colonel.”

 

He gave me a long, appraising look that seemed to last for a year, before finally reaching out to take my hand. “Edward. Good to see you again. You look…well.”

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

Bella and Cheryl Brandon launched back into the conversation they’d been having when I interrupted. I kept my eyes studiously on the two of them, ruthlessly attentive to every word Bella said, never taking my arm from her shoulders, and looking anywhere but at Colonel Brandon. It was all going fine until Alice popped her head out of the back door.   
  


“Bella…Mom— can you guys give me a hand with this?”

 

I shot Bella a panicked look, but she just shrugged helplessly and slipped out from under my arm to follow Mrs. Brandon back inside.

 

Colonel Brandon and I stood wordlessly for a moment, just examining our beers. I decided to say something, _anything_ , to break the tension.

 

“Are you enjoying your visit?” Lame, but at least I spoke.

 

“Chicago’s just fine.” He returned absently. “Listen, Edward…”

 

And I flinched internally. Here it comes.

 

“Alice filled me in a little on what landed Bella here in Chicago. That girl’s been through hell.”

 

I nodded in solemn agreement. “Yes, sir, she has.”

 

“I want to think you played no part in her misery. Would I be right in thinking that?”

 

I looked up at him finally, taking my time to think through my answer. “I have only ever wanted what’s best for Bella,” I finally said slowly.

 

He just stared back at me for a minute before nodding tightly. “She seems happy now. Happier than I’ve seen her in a long, long time.”

 

I couldn’t compare her to what she’d been before, but I would agree that she was happy now, so I nodded.

 

“I’m thinking that definitely has something to do with you.”

 

I felt one corner of my mouth curl up. “I’d like to think so. She certainly makes me very happy.”

 

He nodded again, seemingly satisfied. “I want her to be happy. And she thinks the sun rises and sets on you.”

 

I only smiled and ducked my head, wondering what Bella had said about me.

 

“I like you, Edward,” he continued, “So I’m happy about all this.” He waved a hand towards the kitchen to indicate Bella and me. “Just know one thing. We’re the closest thing that girl’s got to family. I think of her as my own. And she doesn’t need one more minute of unhappiness in her life. I’m more sorry than I can say that I didn’t know about her troubles until it was too late, but I won’t be making that mistake again. I’ll be keeping an eye out for her.”

 

I took a deep breath and looked squarely at him, because now I was absolutely confident about what I was going to say. “Sir, I can assure you, with every fiber of my being, I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life making Bella happy. If she’ll have me.”

 

Colonel Brandon blinked once, apparently thrown by my declaration. Then he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well, that’s just…that’s fine, then. I wish the both of you the best of luck.”

 

“Thank you, sir,” I said quietly, resisting the overwhelming urge to salute.

 

We were saved from one more minute of that incredibly embarrassing conversation by the reappearance of Bella and Alice, bringing out the last of the food. Jasper was starting to pull the steaks off the grill, so everyone was preoccupied with loading up plates and topping off drinks.

 

Bella brought me a plate and wrapped her arm around my waist. “How’d it go?” she murmured.

 

“Um, fine. Good. He…made himself very clear.”

 

Bella pressed her face into my shirt and groaned. “Ugh…what did he say?”

 

I had to laugh a little at her reaction. “Really, it was okay, Bell. He just wants you to be happy. He wanted to find out what my intentions were, for want of a better expression.”

 

“What did you say?” she asked, looking up at me again, eyes wide. I got distracted by the bright summer sun glinting off the red highlights in her hair, by the way it illuminated her pale skin and lit up her dark eyes, setting off the flecks of gold in them.

 

“I told him,” I said at length, “that all I ever wanted to do was to make you happy.”

 

Those dark eyes went soft and misty, and I felt her whole body sag slightly into my side. I was silently cursing all these people surrounding us in this intensely personal moment.

 

At length, she straightened up, and after a quick peck on my cheek, went to get her own plate of food. After that, we got caught up in the fun and food. The day was glorious— hot, but not as humid as it could sometimes get in the city. Alice was complaining that we wouldn’t be able to catch a glimpse of the Navy Pier fireworks from any vantage point on their property, but I didn’t really mind. This gathering on Jasper’s deck was much more my speed. Just good friends, good food, and nothing at all to be done but enjoy myself.

 

We were all sprawled in chairs around the deck, enjoying our post-food stupor, laughing and joking, when we heard the shout, coming from the little pass-through alley along the side of the house.  
  


“Jazz? Alice?”

 

My eyes cut to Bella’s immediately.

 

Emmett.

 

Bella looked to Rose, who was sitting in a deck chair next to her. Rose had almost no external reaction, except for her hands, which curled tightly around the arms of her chair until her knuckles were white.

 

Jasper cast one quick, concerned glance at his sister before pushing himself up out of his chair.

 

“Emmett? We’re around back on the deck.”

 

Emmett rounded the corner into the backyard just a moment later. He stopped when he spotted all of us up on the deck, uncertainty momentarily flooding his face. But then he smiled and climbed the three shallow steps up to the deck.

 

“Em!” Jasper said, giving him a one-armed hug. “I had no idea you were coming to town! And you’re just in time. There’s a steak over there with your name on it, and a cooler of beers in the corner. Pull up a chair and get comfortable, man.”

 

Jasper sounded slightly forced to my ears, like he was trying really hard to keep this situation comfortable and easy. It wasn’t really working. Alice was standing by the grill, twisting her hands together. Bella hadn’t taken her eyes off Rose. Angela and Ben were standing more or less in the middle of the deck. Angela looked torn about whether she wanted to go to Rose or go greet Emmett. Even Jessica, who was generally oblivious to the nuances of conversation, had sat up straighter in her chair and had her eyes trained on Rose. Only Alice’ parents were blissfully unaware of the tension.

 

Emmett stayed standing, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. He looked really nervous, more so than I remember ever seeing him, and I wondered if it was just encountering Rose, or if something else was bothering him.

 

“Thanks, Jazz, but I came for a reason. I, um…I have some news.”

 

“What’s that?” Jasper asked.

 

“I, ah…I have a new job. Senior Officer in charge of Client Relations at AletaCorp.”

 

A moment of dead silence met Emmett’s announcement. Angela, of all people, was the first person to speak.

 

“But…AletaCorp is in—”

 

“It’s here in Chicago,” Emmett finished uneasily.

 

In the periphery of my vision, I saw Rose sit upright abruptly.

 

“Wait,” Jasper said, “Are you telling me you’re _moving_ here?”

 

Emmett looked at Jasper, “Yeah. I didn’t want to say anything until I got the job, and it took a while for the negotiations to shake out. That’s what I was doing here in April. That was my first interview. But it all worked out. Yesterday, they made me the offer I wanted and I took it. And here I am.”

 

Then he turned to look directly at Rose. “I said ‘yes’ to the job and I’m moving to Chicago.”

 

Again, no one said anything for an endless minute. Everyone was eyeing Rose warily, probably, like me, giving her the chance to react first. Then she did.

 

Rose let out a tiny, choked little sound as she scrambled to her feet. She stood there, staring at Emmett, who stared back at her nervously, waiting for a cue from her. Then tough, no-nonsense Rose did something I’d never seen her do in all the years I’d known her.

 

She burst into tears. Loud, ragged, sobbing tears.

 

Then she turned on her heel and ran into the house. We all just watched her go, open-mouthed. You could have heard a pin drop out on the deck.

 

Emmett broke the awkward silence first. “What the _fuck_ was that?” he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. “Jesus, I thought this was what she wanted! I just up-ended my whole entire life for her and—”

 

Bella shot to her feet and crossed the deck to Emmett’s side, reaching out to put her hand on his forearm. Her touch seemed to calm him down a little and he trailed off, running his hands into his hair in frustration.

 

“I did this for her,” he said quietly.

 

“I know you did,” Bella murmured, rubbing her hand up and down his arm. “Emmett?”

 

He looked to Bella, eyebrows raised in question.

 

“She’s been fighting this inside for a really long time. I think you just took her by surprise. It was a shock, and she didn’t see it coming.”

 

He looked at the ground for a minute, considering what she said. “So, do you think I should—?” He motioned at the back door.

 

Bella nodded. “This is when you should go after her. Just be patient. Let her work through it.”

 

He nodded tightly and gave Bella’s hand a little squeeze, before he took the same path Rose had taken into the house.

 

As soon as the door closed behind him, an audible exhale went up from everyone on the deck, including me.

 

“Holy hell,” Alice murmured.

 

“That was…interesting,” Ben said diplomatically.

 

“Emmett better do this right,” Jessica said, her voice low with warning.

 

“He will. It’ll turn out okay,” Bella said aiming for optimistic. “Rose wants it, she’s just spent years convincing herself she can’t have it. It might take her a little while to stand down.”

 

“Jesus,” Jasper said, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t know about anybody else, but I need another beer after that.”

 

There was a chorus of assents. I pushed out of my chair to go get fresh ones for myself and Bella. When I reached her, still standing where Emmett had been, I slid my arm around her waist and pulled her in close. “You were really good back there.”

 

She smiled sadly. “They’ve spent a long time fighting this. They just need a little help finding the right direction. It’ll be great having Emmett in the city though, right?”

  
I nodded. “Yeah, if Rose doesn’t kill him before he gets here, it’ll be great.”

 

The two of them didn’t appear for quite a while, and eventually everybody relaxed again. The sun slid low in the sky and the day cooled off. Dessert was produced and another hour slipped away in drinking and friendly conversation. If not for the awkward “what-are-your-intentions” grilling I’d gotten from the Colonel and the emotional atom bomb of Emmett and Rose, I’d have considered the day just about perfect.

 

Bella was sitting in my lap, my hand was curled around her knee, rubbing her bare skin, and I was laughing loudly at a joke Jasper had just told, when Emmett appeared at the back door. His face was weary, like he’d just hiked a thousand miles, but he was smiling a little, so I took encouragement from that. Alice shot to her feet.   
  
”Em…”

 

He held up a hand to stop her. “I’m…ah…I’m going to drive Rose home. I’ll call you guys soon, okay?”

 

“Is she okay?” Jasper said, giving Emmett the beginnings of what could be a hard stare. Emmett met his gaze and stared back.

 

“She will be. I’ll make sure of it. See you guys later. Happy fourth.”

 

Everybody muttered half-hearted farewells before Emmett disappeared back through the door. That seemed to take the steam out of the evening, and shortly afterwards, Alice began cleaning up. Bella jumped to her feet, and sadly, out of my lap, and started to help. The Brandons had retired a little while ago, and Jessica fell into conversation with Angela and Ben on the other side of the deck.

 

I took a long pull on my beer and looked at Jasper, sitting a few feet from me. His legs were splayed wide and his head was tipped against the back of the chair as he stared up at the sky.

 

“Damn,” he said at length.

 

I chuckled. “Yeah. That was sure…something.”

 

Jasper laughed and shook his head ruefully, “For someone as happily married as I am, I sure do have a lot of relationship drama in my life. First you and B, and now Emmett and my own damned sister.”

 

“Emmett and Rose have been brewing for a hell of a long time. I hope they get this shit squared away.”

 

Jasper blew out a breath, exasperated. “Damn straight. Speaking of relationship drama, how _are_ things with B these days?”

 

“ _No_ drama, which is good. Things are…really good.” I couldn’t stop the grin that took over my face.

 

“So, it’s serious, then?”

 

I sputtered out a laugh, both at the absurdity of Jasper feeling out my intentions regarding Bella and at the fact that this was the second time today that it had happened. “Yeah, man, it’s serious. I…this is it for me. For good.”

 

Jasper’s eyebrows pitched up in surprise and he took a pull off his beer before he said anything else. “She know that?”

 

I tipped my head to the side. “She’s getting the idea. She’s been through a lot, and she’s still dealing with shit from—”

 

“From that asshole,” Jasper supplied.

 

“I’m trying to cut him some slack, all things considered.”

 

Jasper held up a hand to fend me off. “He was an asshole before he was sick. That’s just the truth.”

 

“Yeah, that may be. But there’s a lot of lingering stuff there for her. I need to go slow.”

 

Jasper nodded slowly in understanding. “I’m glad,” he finally said quietly.

 

“Glad?”

 

“You and her. I’m glad. You’re good together.”

 

“Why, thank you, Jasper. I’m so glad I have your blessing.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, man,” he laughed, and threw a wadded-up napkin at my head. I ducked and laughed as it sailed past me.

 

Bella chose that moment to reappear on the deck, hands on her hips, smiling at us. She was still cute as hell in those little cut-offs.

 

“You ready to go?” I asked, giving her a meaningful look and letting my voice drop down a little.

 

Jasper snorted and rolled his eyes, before shoving himself out of his chair. “That’s my cue to be scarce. I’m gonna go help Alice clean up. B, it’s been fun.”

 

He stopped next to her just long enough to kiss her cheek affectionately before slipping past her into the house.

 

Bella and I waved a quick goodbye to Angela, Ben and Jessica before heading down the stairs and into the dark backyard.

 

“What were you guys talking about?” Bella asked, as we picked our way through the random low shrubs and patches of flowers that Alice called a garden.

 

I rolled my eyes. “Just another conversation about my intentions. Seems to be the theme of the day for me.”

 

“He didn’t!” Bella hissed. “Oh, my God, I’m going to _kill_ him!”

 

“Relax, Bell. He’s happy about us. So is Alice’s dad. They just love you and want you to be happy.”

 

She tightened the arm she had around my waist. “I _am_ happy.”

 

“Good. So am I.”

 

“So,” she said, as we reached the foot of the stairs leading to her apartment. “About those intentions of yours.”

 

“Ye-ees?” I answered slowly, wondering where she was headed with this.

 

She turned to face me and began to slowly back up the stairs. “I was wondering just what they entailed with regard to…tonight.”

 

“Oh, well, _that_ ,” I pretended to consider it, stroking my chin with my finger. “Hmm, I’m not sure I’ve come to any, um, _hard_ and _fast_ conclusions about my intentions for tonight just yet.”

 

Bella laughed and leaned forward, hooking two fingers over the waistband of my jeans. The skin of my stomach tingled where the backs of her fingers brushed me. She tugged me forward until I started following her up the stairs. “Well, let’s see if I can help you clarify your thought process a little.” She murmured, leaning in and letting her lips just barely brush mine. I sucked in a breath, catching a whiff of her shampoo as she backed away.

 

“I think it’s becoming clearer.”

 

“Is it?” she smiled, cocking one eyebrow at me as she backed up another step. She tugged until I followed, until I was nearly against her. I reached out for her hips to steady us.

 

“Mmm hmm. I’m getting pretty _firm_ about what I _desire_.”

 

She laughed, the sound ringing out in the dark. “I think I’ll be the judge of that,” she murmured. And then I felt her fingertips skim the fly of my jeans, skim _me_ , and I groaned, my eyes sliding closed. “Oh, yes,” she whispered against my cheek. “So firm.”

 

“Bella…”

 

She just smiled and kept tugging me up the stairs after her. When we reached the landing and she’d unlocked the door, she turned back to throw me another smile. I was waiting for her, and the instant she was facing me, I yanked her tight against me and crushed my mouth down on hers. Bella moaned and her arms came up to wrap around my neck immediately. The door swung open slowly behind her.

 

“What is it, Edward?” she whispered against my neck, in between her hot little open-mouthed kisses on my skin. “Are your intentions clear yet?”

 

I inhaled sharply and took a quick step back from her. She started a little in surprise. Then I shocked her even further by abruptly scooping her up in my arms, one arm behind her back and one under her legs. She squealed softly.

 

“I know exactly what I intend,” I murmured in her ear. “Tonight, and every night for the rest of my life.”

 

Then I carried her inside and slammed the door behind us before I tossed her on the bed and proceeded to show her exactly what I wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	28. Chicago Collective

**  
**

**_Bella_ **

 

“Dida, here are the last round of poetry submissions,” Santiago said, dropping a worn stack of sheets, heavily marked up in green, on Dida’s desk. Dida felt that red was too negative a color to use for edits, so we all used green felt-tip pens. “I’m afraid it’s a rather dour selection this time,” he sighed. “So many young ladies ignored by feckless men and writing bad verse about it.” Santiago gave a weary eye-roll before retreating back to his desk in the corner.

 

Dida rifled through them absently while I waited for her attention to come back to me.

 

“So…” I finally prompted, “Do you think I should ask him to re-submit it or give it up?”

 

“What do you think?” she countered.

 

“I want to give him another go. I think he can get there.”

 

“Alright, then. That’s what you should tell him. Let’s see if he lives up to the confidence you have in him.”

 

I felt my cheeks heat a little and ducked my head to hide it. “No pressure, or anything,” I laughed.

 

“You haven’t been wrong yet, Bella. Every one of your ducklings has risen to the challenge and turned out some excellent work. You need to trust your instincts, because they’re impeccable. And that’s something you can’t learn. You either have it or you don’t.”

 

“Dida,” I started to tell her to quit flattering me, because it just made me flustered, but her phone rang, as always, cutting me off.  
  
“Dida,” she barked into the receiver. That was her standard phone greeting. “Hey there!...Yeah, we’re still on….two?...Good, right….No, I’ll meet you there.”

 

She hung up as abruptly as she’d answered.

 

“Lunch date?” I asked politely.

 

She snorted. “I guess you could call it that. You’ve heard of Aro Blalock?”

 

My eyebrows pitched up in surprise. “From Volterra Press?”

 

“That’s him.”

 

I pointed at her phone. “That was Aro Blalock on the phone? You know him?” I felt like such a fangirl every time I was caught off guard by one of Dida’s esteemed contacts.   
  


She leaned back in her chair. “Yeah, Aro and I go way back. All the way back to when he was _Arthur_ and he needed my help to pass Intro to Comparative Lit.”

 

I shook my head and smiled. Of course she would know Aro Blalock. He was one of the leading lights in the Chicago Collective, back in the day. “You’ve known him that long?”

 

“We have a lot of history. Way more than just University of Chicago. All _kinds_ of sordid history.”

 

I gasped a little and covered my mouth. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t realize you two had been involved.”

 

“Involved?” Dida asked in confusion. “We weren’t involved. Oh, well, yeah, I slept with him once, but it was the seventies. We slept with everyone back then,” she waved a hand to dismiss the entire idea. “No, Aro wasn’t significant to me like _that_. Besides, I had Marcus.”

 

“Marcus?”

 

“Marcus Albright,” she explained, but still the name meant nothing to me. She pointed at an old, faded eight-by-ten framed photo on the wall near her desk. I could be forgiven for never having noticed it before. There was a _lot_ of stuff tacked up to the walls at _The Lantern_ — newspaper articles; posters for political candidates long since disgraced; and flyers for local bands slapped up by the interns, some for gigs happening next week, some for gigs that happened five years ago. It all blended together to form a hodge-podge kind of wallpaper. I scooted off the corner of my desk where I’d been perched to go look at the photo.

 

“Oh, there’s you!” I cried, when I spotted Dida. She was younger and thinner, but her long black hair and striking features were unmistakable. I smiled at her outfit; the tight black turtleneck, the hip-hugger jeans with ridiculously wide bell-bottoms, and the macramé beaded belt. She was sprawled in the lap of a tall, lanky young man with shoulder-length brown hair and a long, sorrowful face. They were nestled in a broken-down armchair, in what looked like a large living room. The ratty couch next to them was filled with college-aged kids, and people were scattered on the floor, leaning on the arms of the furniture and standing behind it. It looked like a party of some kind and the photographer had caught a casual moment in time.

 

“That’s me,” Dida confirmed. “And that’s Marcus with me. Aro’s on the couch. Most of the folks you call ‘The Chicago Collective’ are in that picture. That was the mid-term break party at the house we shared. Well, _one_ of the mid-term parties.”

 

“We’re you and Marcus…?”

 

“Yeah. We were. We ran the Lantern together when it was still part of the University. Then we took it independent together in seventy-nine. This place was our baby.”

 

I’d never heard his name mentioned around the Lantern offices. How could he have been such a driving force in its founding— Dida’s _partner_ — and there was no sign of him now?

 

“Where is he now?” I asked tentatively. It seemed a delicate subject, and there was an expression on Dida’s face that I’d never seen there before. She looked almost _vulnerable._ Whatever had gone on with her and Marcus had obviously affected her deeply.

 

“He died,” she said simply.

 

“Oh, Dida. I’m sorry. Is that why you run it alone now?”

 

She shook her head, “No, he’d already left _The Lantern_ by then. Aro…Well, back to the beginning. Aro was sort of the ring-leader in our little cabal of terror back at University of Chicago. He might not have been the most talented writer, but he’s got something about him­— a certain charisma— he ends up as the center of any group he’s in. People always want to be close to Aro. He’s always been that way. And he always gets what he wants, eventually.

 

“After college, he moved to New York. He started as an intern at Simon and Schuster, but it was kind of shocking how fast he moved up the ranks. Then, when a couple of senior editors left to form Volterra Press, he went with them. He kept moving up there, too, until he got to where he is now. He hired a lot of our old friends from college. Then he set his sights on Marcus.”

 

She paused for a minute, looking at her hands. She didn’t sound mad, exactly, but there was definitely an edge to her voice. “Marcus said no at first. We’d only taken _The Lantern_ independent a couple of years before and we were still on shaky legs. Plus, there was our relationship. He didn’t want to leave me. But Aro’s hard to say no to. He courted Marcus, and finally, I just had to let him go try it. He said he would be perfectly happy here, but you know how that goes. If I’d have tried to hold him here, eventually he would have just resented the hell out of me for it, even if it was his choice.

 

“So he went. Aro got what he wanted, another talented editor to add to his collection. But…” she shook her head and gave a rueful chuckle, “New York in the early eighties was quite a scene. They all worked hard and played harder. Marcus just wasn’t tough enough for it, in the end.”

 

“What happened?” I asked, even though I felt like I already knew what her answer would be.

 

“He O.D.’ed in eighty-four.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Dida. You didn’t sound like you had any hard feelings on the phone.”

 

“I don’t, really. Well, I _did_ for a while. Yeah, there was a time when I really wanted to fucking kill Aro. But my therapist and I got past that. In the end, Marcus was a grown-up, and every choice he made was his to make. Plenty of people ran in that crowd and came out just fine on the other side. Fuck, Aro wrote a _book_ about it. But Marcus just wasn’t as strong as Aro, and it ate him up.”

 

Dida inhaled sharply and sat up. “Fuck, I need to stop waltzing down memory lane. That shit makes me maudlin. Anyway, the reason I told you that whole sob-story was to see if I could guilt you into coming to lunch with us.”

 

“Me? Oh, I don’t…”

 

“Bella, come on. If it’s just me and Aro, all we’ll talk about will be all that old shit. And I don’t want to go there— especially not with him. If there’s someone there from the outside, we’ll be forced to have a normal conversation.”

 

“Well, when you put it like that…”

 

She slapped her hands together in delight. “Excellent! I’ll make it worth your while. Aro’s got deep pockets, he likes nice places, and he’ll pick up the tab. It’ll probably be the best lunch you have all year.”

 

“Well, then, how could I possibly refuse?” I smiled back at her, before turning to examine the photo one more time. They were so young in that picture. With no worries, and no idea of the complexities that life had in store for them. But I supposed we all started out that way once. I know I did.

 

*0*0*

 

I was hit by an attack of nerves just before Dida and I were about to walk through the heavy glass door of Le P’tite Paris to meet Aro. I mean, come on. This was _Aro Blalock_. Sure, Volterra Press wasn’t quite a powerhouse on par with Simon and Schuster or Penguin, but it was _known_. It had a solid reputation for consistently producing stand-out work. And Aro Blalock practically ran the place. Somehow I doubted that I’d feel as naturally at ease in his presence as I did in Dida’s.

 

Dida shot me a leveling look as she snuffed out her cigarette in the stand by the door.

 

“Don’t chicken out on me, Mama Duck,” she growled.

 

“No, no,” I protested. “I’m coming in, I promise. I’m just summoning my courage.”  
  


Dida snorted a laugh. “Come on, he’s harmless. He doesn’t bite. Much.”

 

She didn’t give me time to respond, she just yanked me by the elbow after her into the elegantly appointed restaurant. The soft-spoken host smiled and nodded when Dida mentioned Aro’s name and turned to glide through the restaurant, Dida and I following in his wake.

 

Aro was already seated, one hand wrapped around a glass of seltzer, the other gripping his Blackberry, which consumed his attention. Dida pulled to a halt just a foot away from him, hands on her hips. His head snapped up and his tanned, elegant face broke out in what might have been a genuine smile.

 

“Di!” He was on his feet in a flash and they were embracing. I took the moment to examine him up close. He was the same age as Dida, I knew that, but he looked a good ten years younger. No, that wasn’t quite true. He looked his age, somewhere in his early fifties, but he was impeccably preserved. Where Dida had let herself slip into a sort of comfortable, frowsy middle age, Aro Blalock seemed to be exerting every effort to maintain his youth. His skin, although tanned, was almost free of wrinkles. Just a few at the corners of his eyes, which gave him character. It looked like all other signs of aging had been carefully erased via surgery. He was tall and in good shape. He had to be one of those daily-gym types. His clothes, although casual, were obviously expensive; dark designer jeans, a crisp black dress shirt, opened at the neck, and a charcoal wool sport coat. He still wore his black hair long, like he had in that picture of them in college, but now it was slicked straight back into a ponytail and he had distinguished touches of silver at his temples.

 

“Dida, you look exactly the same,” he said, as he released her.

 

“Shut it, you charming ass,” she snarled good-naturedly.

 

Aro just laughed. Then his eyes flickered to me. “And who is this?”

 

“This is Bella Swan,” Dida motioned at me with one hand. “She’s my brand new associate editor at _The Lantern_.”

 

“Ah, yes. You told me all about her. _New Moon_ …is that right?”

 

My eyes went wide at the thought of Dida discussing me with Aro. Then again, I was the first new full-time staff member hired at _The Lantern_ in ten years. It stood to reason that it was big news for Dida.

 

I realized that Aro was still looking at me, expecting an answer, so I cleared my throat awkwardly and nodded. “Um, yes. _New Moon_. That was me. Although it was a long time ago.”

 

“Dida says you have the best eye for new writers that she’s come across in years.”

 

I shot Dida a look. She just shrugged back at me. “What?” she said. “It’s true.”

 

Shaking my head and chuckling, I finally found my voice again. “Dida’s flattering me.”

 

Aro narrowed his eyes at me appraisingly. “Oh, Dida rarely does that. After all these years, I should know. I’m sorry, Ms. Swan. We seemed to have skipped over the formal introductions.” He reached his hand out to me. “Aro Blalock.”

 

I took his hand to shake. “Bella Swan. It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Blalock.” I felt his fingers tighten around mine and hang on for just a beat longer than I was expecting.

 

“The honor’s all mine, Ms. Swan.”

 

Finally, he released my hand and I waved it to dismiss him. “Please, just Bella.”

 

He smiled widely, his pale blue eyes sharp, “Bella, then. And it’s just Aro.”

 

Dida coughed in an obvious way and he turned his head to smirk at her. Their wordless exchange carried years of history and understanding, and she laughed a little at something he hadn’t even said. But it broke up the slightly awkward introductions, and we all sat down.

 

While we went through the business of ordering drinks and food, Aro and Dida carried on a casual conversation, mostly catching up on their many mutual friends. I was happy to just sit and listen and soak up their history, but once the food arrived, Aro turned his attention back to me.

 

“So, Bella, Dida tells me you’ve only been working with her for a short time.”

 

“A few months, yes. I’m new to Chicago.”

 

“What brought you here?”

 

I shifted uncomfortably, trying to think of a neutral answer that didn’t delve into my dramatic history. “Well, Seattle had run its course for me,” I finally said. “I had some friends here. If I was starting over, Chicago seemed as good a place as any.”

 

“And thank god you thought so,” Dida interjected. “Already I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

 

“The same thing you did before, Dida.,” I said. “You’d lose things and fall behind schedule.”

 

Aro and Dida both laughed in understanding.

 

“That’s true, Mama Duck. You do keep me in line.”

 

“Mama Duck?” Aro asked.

 

“Oh, it’s just a nickname Santiago gave me. Because of how I mother the writers.”

 

“You should see her, Aro. These scared little newbies imprint on her just like ducklings. It’s adorable.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Dida…”

 

“Come on…what are you so embarrassed about?”

 

“You make me sound like a preschool teacher.”

 

“No….well, yeah, maybe a little bit,” she acquiesced. “But I mean it in a good way.”

 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Bella,” Aro interjected suddenly. I turned to look at him. He was leaning forward on his elbows, examining me closely. “Being able to connect with a writer—  really gain their trust about their work—  that’s a real gift. Dida says you’re a natural.”

 

“I just…it’s what I love. It’s so satisfying to see them through the whole process, to see them realize their full potential.”

 

“That’s why we’re all here in the end, isn’t it?” Aro mused. I just smiled and nodded.  “Tell me, Bella, what are your long-term plans?”

 

“Long-term plans? I don’t think I have any.”

 

Aro’s sharp eyebrows pitched up in surprise. “No ten-year career plan? No burning ambitions?”

 

I chuckled and shook my head. “Not really. Up until a few months ago, I didn’t think I’d even be doing this kind of work again. Then Dida blew my mind and offered me a job. Honestly, where I am right now is more than I could have ever hoped for. I’m pretty delighted.”

 

“Now who’s doing the flattering?” Dida laughed.

 

“I’m serious,” I said to her. “Working at _The Lantern_ is a dream come true.”

 

Dida chuckled and shook her head.

 

“Quaint,” Aro murmured softly. Dida’s eyes snapped to his and once again, they seemed to communicate much more than their words let on. Dida cleared her throat and stood up abruptly. “I need a smoke. Aro, when will you start taking me places that let me smoke inside?”

 

“Di, I think you’re the last person on the planet who is so ridiculously unapologetic about a habit that will kill you.”

 

She pointed a stern finger at him, but her mood was lighter, the momentary tension between them dissipated. “You and I both know that we’ve done shit a lot deadlier than a few cigarettes.”

 

He laughed and held a hand up. “Acknowledged. Go and suck on your cancer stick, Di. I’ll keep Bella entertained.”

 

Once more, she shot him a leveling look and muttered, “I’ll just bet you will.” But she gave me a little smile before she turned towards the front door.

 

“So,” Aro smiled, leaning in towards me. “How are you liking Chicago, Bella?”

 

“I love it,” I answered quickly. “I’m really happy here.”

 

“That’s great. New city, new job. Nice for you.” He shifted a little in his chair, which brought him slightly closer to me. I resisted the inexplicable urge to scoot back, not wanting to seem rude. Already, I was sort of blown away that someone like Aro Blalock was so willingly making idle chit-chat with me.

 

“I feel very lucky,” I said with a shrug.

 

“Mmm, I’m sure you do. But...may I give you a small piece of professional advice, Bella?”

 

“Sure. Of course. Please do.” I felt my face flush slightly, unable to tell where this was headed.

 

“Make sure you don’t limit yourself.”

 

“Limit myself?” I repeated dumbly.

 

“You said yourself that you didn’t have any sort of long-term plan. That you’re content right where you are.”

 

I nodded, unable to break my eyes away from his ice-blue gaze. “You’re a talented young woman. Dida can’t say enough about you. And I’ve seen the magazine you published in college.”

 

“You have?” I couldn’t imagine how a copy of _New Moon_ had found its way into the hands of Aro Blalock. But then again, I was starting to get the feeling that I shouldn’t ever underestimate him. I could see now what Dida had been talking about when she described him in college; his magnetism and presence. He exuded something— a kind of energy or charisma— that was hard to resist. I could see how people would be willing to do anything to please him, and gain his favor.

 

He nodded, taking a small sip of his seltzer, but still not looking away from me. “I have. And if that’s what you were capable of in college, then you have a lot of potential.”

 

“That’s what Dida said,” I mumbled.

 

“Yes, Dida. She had a lot of potential, too. But…I don’t mean this in any way as a slight against her. She’s a genius. But she committed herself to _The Lantern_ entirely before we’d even left college. And now, all these years later, it’s all she has.”

 

“ _The Lantern_ is an amazing accomplishment,” I protested, starting to bristle at the implication that _The Lantern_ was somehow unworthy of admiration.

 

Aro held up a placating hand. “It absolutely is. I said she was a genius. Only a genius like Dida could have even kept the thing afloat all these years. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t limit the options you allow yourself to consider, Ms. Swan…Bella.”

 

“Well, I…” I trailed off awkwardly, completely at a loss as to what to say. His attention and encouragement was certainly flattering. I’d be lying if I said that the fact that someone as accomplished and powerful as Aro Blalock thought I had serious potential _wasn’t_ flattering. But at the same time, it irked me that he thought less of Dida for devoting her life to _The Lantern_.

 

Abruptly, Aro broke into a wide smile and leaned back. “Just a word of advice from someone who’s hung around this business far too long,” he said, his voice casual. “I can’t help running my mouth whenever I meet someone new to the industry. Maybe I should have gone into teaching, hmm? So I’d have a place to spread around all my unsolicited opinions.”

 

And just like that, he managed to turn the whole thing around and make a joke out of it. Now I was left wondering why I’d felt at all uncomfortable. It was an odd exchange, but I couldn’t really put my finger on which part made me feel that way. He and Dida had a long, tangled history. I suppose I jut got in the middle of the two of them working through it. The more I thought about it, the more that seemed the case, so I dismissed the whole peculiar conversation.

 

Dida rejoined us then, anyway, and the two of them immediately slipped into a wry, sarcastic exchange that kept the mood light for the rest of lunch.

 

Eventually, Aro glanced at his Blackberry and said he needed to leave to be on time for his next meeting, so we all adjourned to the sidewalk out front to say goodbye. Aro and Dida hugged goodbye again, exchanging hellos to be passed along to mutual friends. Then he extended a hand to me.

 

“Bella, it was a delight.” I took his hand and he surprised me by pulling me in towards him and kissing my cheek.

 

“Thank you. I enjoyed meeting you, too,” I said neutrally. His hand squeezed mine again before he released me with that same jovial, friendly smile. He and Dida exchanged a few more words, then he was gone into a cab and Dida and I were walking back to _The Lantern._

 

“So, what did you think of him?” she asked at length.

 

“Um…he’s an interesting character.”

 

Dida laughed and shook her head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

 

“You don’t like him,” I said. It was a statement, but I was looking for her to confirm or deny it.

 

“We go beyond like and don’t like. We go so far back, and share so much history. We’re like family. And just like family, you have to put up with the bad as well as the good.”

 

“So you don’t approve of his career?”

 

“Who am I not to approve? Look what he’s achieved,” Dida said, inhaling on her cigarette. But there was something in her voice that led me to believe that, on some level, she didn’t approve. “Aro is…” She stopped, considered a moment, then started again. “The choices he’s made…he’s not wrong. He just has a very different value system than I do. What matters to him and what matters to me…well, they’re not the same things. That doesn’t make either one of us better or worse. We just want different things. And we don’t always understand each other.”

 

I nodded in understanding. It put what Aro said to me in focus. He was warning me away from getting too comfortable working with Dida, because, in his mind, it was a dead-end and a failure. At the time, I’d felt uncomfortable and a little defensive, but looking at him through Dida’s eyes, I felt like I could understand him better and my annoyance faded.

 

Besides, he had a point. The career he’d made for himself was certainly enviable. And it must be nice for him to not have the endless daily trials that Dida had, just trying to keep the doors open and the presses running. No, there was probably a lot to be said for the path Aro had chosen.

 

Dida was quiet and distracted for the rest of the walk back to work, and I chose not to push her. It was clear that Aro stirred up things in her that usually lay hidden. Her gruff, blustering front was in many ways just that— a front. I was coming to see that it hid an old hurt that never really seemed to have healed, and my heart hurt for her. But I also knew her well enough not to pry. If she was hurt, she was going to guard that carefully.

 

Back at _The Lantern_ , she retreated to her desk and I busied myself retrieving the latest round of submissions from Gianna. Once I got them all printed out, I settled back down at my desk to start organizing them.

 

I heard my phone vibrate from the depths of my bag. After shoving Nessie off of it, and rooting around for it, I managed to catch it just before the call went to voicemail.

 

“Hello?” I snapped, distracted, as I swatted Nessie away.

 

“Bella?”

 

I sat up abruptly in my chair. “Sam. What is it?”

 

“We found him.”

 

My ears roared and for a second, I just stared at my cluttered desk in disbelief. “What?”

 

“He was arrested this morning trying to break into Eleazar’s basement again. We’re holding him in custody now.”

 

“Oh, my God,” I breathed, as I finally broke out of the shock. “How…what…how is he?”

 

Sam sighed heavily, “Rough. I won’t lie to you, Bella. He’s been living on the streets since February. But he’s mostly alright. He’ll do better with some regular meals.”

 

I closed my eyes, clutching the front of my shirt tightly in one hand. Jay needed so much more than just a few square meals to make him alright. “What happens next?”

 

“Well, I’ve already put in the request for a psych consult, just based on the outstanding charges from your incident. That evaluation will happen sometime tomorrow. I can pretty much assure you that they’ll demand that he be put under observation for seventy-two hours. That’s pretty standard and it’s entirely the discretion of the examining doctor.”

 

“Seventy-two hours. What happens after that?”

 

“They’ll evaluate him and if he’s found to be a danger to himself or others, the doctor can ask for a ninety day involuntary commitment. That needs a judge to sign off on it. But assuming it happens, then it’s all about finding him a bed.”

 

“A bed?” I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything more than just repeating the fragments of information I could cling to.

 

“The system is overcrowded. They’ll put him wherever they can find space, _if_ they can find space.”

 

Finally, my brain started making connections again. “Edward’s been talking to people about this part,” I said in a rush, “I need to call him.”

 

“Bella, I’ll tell you again, you don’t need to do this for him.”

 

“I know, Sam. But I want to. Just this one last thing. I have to call Edward. One of us will call you back.”

 

“Alright. Talk to you soon, hon.”

 

“Thank you, Sam.”

 

I hung up with Sam and pressed the speed dial for Edward.

 

“Hi, you,” Edward answered.

 

“Edward, Sam called,” I spit out without preamble. “They found him.”

 

I heard Edward suck in a breath, and when he spoke, professional Edward had taken full command. He was all business. “Where is he?”

 

“Sam said he was arrested this morning. He’s still in custody. They’re doing an evaluation tomorrow, and he’ll probably get a seventy-two hour….”

 

“A seventy-two hour hold, yeah,” Edward finished my thought. “That will happen for sure. After that comes the really important part.”

 

“What do I do?” I felt helpless, at this distance, to do anything meaningful.

 

“You’re going to go home and throw some clothes in a bag,” he said, quickly, but exuding calm. I knew why he was such a good doctor. Edward in this mode made you feel safe, like he was in control of everything and there was absolutely nothing to worry about. 

 

“Pack?” I pressed, confused.

 

“I’ll be by in an hour to get you,” he continued. “We’re going to Seattle.”

 

 

 

**  
**


	29. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

**  
**

****

****

**_Edward_ **

****

I turned slowly on my heel and began to pace off the small room one more time. My eyes were burning and my neck was sore from dozing off awkwardly on the plane.

 

I’d managed to get us to O’Hare by 8 p.m. the night before, and we’d made it onto a 10 p.m. flight to Seattle. Bella was so stressed out that she didn’t even argue with me when I slid my credit card across the counter to deal with the exorbitant cost of the flights. With the time change it was after midnight when we touched down in Seattle, although it felt much later to us. We went straight to the station to find Sam. He was off-duty, but the desk officer told us, not surprisingly, that the psychiatrist assigned to do Jay’s evaluation wasn’t scheduled to come until the next morning.. So we’d found a hotel nearby and slept for a few hours before trudging back to start our vigil.

 

As the hours wore on, I watched Bella’s nervous adrenaline tap out in the face of the system. The desk officer the night before had said that the psychiatrist was coming by to do Jay’s evaluation first thing in the morning. It was now two p.m., and there’d been no sign of him. None of this was much of a surprise to me, but Bella was tired and tense. I tried to get her to leave with me once or twice, even just for a quick walk around the block, but she was terrified that if she left, she’d miss the doctor. So we waited. She drank endless cups of bad police precinct coffee, and I stayed as busy as I could on my phone.

 

I felt like I’d talked to every psychiatric professional in Seattle over the past few months. I’d come as close as I’d dared to ethical violations, trotting out the “Dr. Cullen” whenever I thought it might get me somewhere. But hopefully, if everything fell into place the way I hoped it would over the next several days, it would all be worth it.

 

Ending my last call, I looked back over my shoulder at Bella. She was slouching in a hard plastic chair, eyes closed, head tipped back against the wall. There were purple shadows under her eyes, and her pale skin was washed out and nearly translucent under the flickering fluorescent light fixture. She was still so beautiful that my heart nearly stopped. I wanted her to open her eyes and look at me. I wanted to feel connected to her again, always. I was a greedy bastard and I never got enough of her. I wanted her to be happy, and to that end, I’d do anything for her, but deep down inside, I just wanted to be the center of her world, the same way she was the center of mine.

 

When I considered Jay, this man we’d just flown halfway across the country to help, my feelings swung back and forth between pity and fury. The doctor in me pitied him. I’d done a psych rotation during my residency; I knew what he was struggling with, and I knew how difficult the rest of his life would be because of this disease that had set up residence in his brain. Who wouldn’t pity that? But on a deeper, purely elemental level, I _hated_ him. I hated him for burrowing into her life so firmly that she still felt obligated to him. But that was the basest part of me, and I wasn’t proud of it. I studiously squashed it all down so I could deal with the issue at hand.

 

I wanted him gone; out of her life forever. If I could make this all work out the way I wanted, he would be. And in the end, what I’d told Bella back in Chicago was true: she needed to be okay with how she left things with him. I didn’t want him there— in her head and in her heart— for the rest of our lives. So I would suck down my purely masculine jealousy and irritation and do right by this person that needed someone’s— _anyone’s_ — help.

 

The court-appointed psychiatrist finally showed up at three. Sam ushered him through the station and back to the room where we’d set up camp. Technically, neither of us had any say in Jay’s case, but I was hoping that if I acted like I knew what I was doing, he’d trust me and talk to us. It had worked for me plenty of times before. Sam held the door for him and the psychiatrist rushed in, rumpled, balding, and exhausted-looking. He had a battered leather satchel over-stuffed with files, which he dumped on the table in the middle of the room.

 

I stepped forward immediately and extended my hand. “Dr. Cullen,” I said with all the professional gravitas three years of residency at Lenox Hill had bestowed on me. The psychiatrist squinted up at me through his glasses.

 

“Are you assigned to this case?”

 

“No, not officially,” I said, waving a dismissive hand, “Just a family friend, hoping to help.”

 

“Ah, I see. Dr. Horner,” he finally said, straightening up and finally shaking my hand. He wasn’t exactly warm, but I sensed the softening in his attitude. My professional bona fides had been established, and now his guard was down.

 

“This is Isabella Swan,” I motioned to Bella, and she hurried out of her seat and to my side. “She’s also a family friend.”

 

Dr. Horner’s eyebrows furrowed together as he glanced up at her. “Isabella Swan…I have your name in the file, don’t I?”

 

He turned to rummage through his briefcase, finally turning up with a manila folder. “Ah, yes. The charges currently filed against Mr. Anderson pertain to an assault on you, is that correct?”

 

“It was an accident,” Bella said in a rush. “It really was. I let the charges stand because Sam…Officer Uley…said that it was the best way to get him some help under the circumstances.”

 

“So his mental state has been in question for some time?”

 

“Yes, since last December, although there was some minor stuff even before that.”

 

“How were you acquainted with Mr. Anderson?”

 

Her eyes flickered to me nervously and I gave her an encouraging smile. She could do this; I knew she could. She drew a deep breath and kept talking. “We dated for four years. We lived together up until February.”

 

Dr. Horner’s eyebrows shot up. “So, are you the family contact?”

 

Bella shook her head quickly and I felt her hand tighten on mine. I knew how hard this part was for her— refusing to be responsible for him. She was so goddamned caring. She wanted to take care of everyone, even when it was impossible. “Not really,” she said. “Jay doesn’t have any family. And I…obviously we’re not together anymore. I live in Chicago now. I have since the incident. I’m not…” she trailed off and I could sense her wavering, so I squeezed her fingers again, trying to will myself through our skin, letting my strength be her strength. “I can’t be there like that for him anymore,” Bella finally said in a hurry. “But I wanted to come now, just to make sure that everybody really understands his problems. After this, I won’t be back.”

 

Dr. Horner rubbed his eyes wearily, and I thought for a minute how hard it must be for him to work these cases day in and day out, knowing the odds, knowing the difficulties. But he didn’t judge Bella, thank God; he just smiled sadly, and nodded in understanding.  
  
”Well, thank you for coming, Ms. Swan. In situations like this, with the patient largely detached from reality, it can be difficult to get a complete history. I’ll want to have a long talk with you after I see Mr. Anderson. Can you stay?”

 

“Yes,” she said, “as long as you need me to. This is all I can do for him, so I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

 

“Thank you,” he nodded tightly. “Well, let me go speak with Mr. Anderson. I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

“We’ll be here,” I said, reaching out to wrap my arm around Bella’s shoulders.

 

Dr Horner gathered up his paperwork and left the room, and we settled down to wait. I pulled her in against me and the fight went out of her. She went boneless and rested her head against my chest, her eyes fluttering closed. I wrapped my hand over her fist, pressing it against my chest, and stroked her knuckles with my thumb until her fingers relaxed.

 

“What are you thinking?” I murmured against the top of her head.

 

She sighed before answering, “I’m telling myself not to feel guilty about what I just did.”

 

“Bell, you know…”

 

“I know, I know. I can’t help him any more. Just what I’m doing now. I’m just afraid for him.”

 

“It’s hard,” I said, “The system is far from perfect, and frankly, Washington is one of the worst. But we’re doing what we can to give him the best odds.”

 

I felt her nod against my chest. “It’ll have to be enough.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I’m so glad you’re here, Edward. You know that, right?”

 

“We’re in this together,” I said, ducking my head a little to kiss her temple. Her skin was always so velvety. “Everything. We’re in it all together, right?”

 

“Right,” she sighed. I kept stroking her fingers until I felt her relax completely against me. I knew she wouldn’t sleep, but at least I could get her to rest a little.

 

Dr. Horner came back an hour later, sighing heavily as he settled himself in a chair at the table. Bella sat straight up like she’d been shocked.

 

“How is he?” she asked.

 

“I can’t discuss specifics of my initial diagnosis with you.”

 

“I know that. Just…how is he otherwise?”

 

My hatred of Jay clawed at my gut, but I shoved it down. There was no place for that now.

 

Dr. Horner gave her a small smile. “It could always be worse. And I suspect that he’ll respond very well to the appropriate treatment.”

 

“Are you going to request the seventy-two hour hold?” I interjected.

 

“Yes, yes. That goes without saying. Although, with the weekend coming up, it will turn into five days, rather than three. That’s actually a good thing. On Monday, I’ll file the request for a ninety-day involuntary commitment.”

 

Bella exhaled in relief and I squeezed her shoulders. I knew she was worried that after all this, he’d be held for three days and then kicked out on the streets again. I had doubted that would happen, but I knew his words made her feel better.

 

“How long will it take to get a judge to okay that?” I pressed.

 

He focused on me and his voice slipped into a more business-like tone. “Assuming I can get him to look at it right away, and I think I can since it’s a Monday, he’ll sign off on it on the spot. There’s very little doubt about the situation in this case. Mr. Anderson does have the right to appear and make a case against involuntary commitment, should he choose to exercise it, however.”

 

“Can I see him while he’s on the temporary hold?” Bella asked. It was all I could do not to scream out “No!” Selfishly, I didn’t want her anywhere near him, but I held my tongue.

 

“Yes. I suspect with the shortage of beds, he’s going to be detained over the weekend at Harborview Medical Center, anyway. You can see him there, if you like. Why?”

 

“I don’t know if it will do any good, but maybe I could try to convince him not to fight it,” she said, twisting her hands in her lap.

 

“It would certainly help if you could, Ms. Swan. Then the obstacle will be finding an available bed for him.”

 

Now it was my turn to interrupt. “I may be on to something there. I need to make some phone calls.”

 

Bella looked up at me questioningly.

 

“Just let me see what I can do, okay?” I gave her a little smile and she nodded.

 

“Now, Ms. Swan,” Dr. Horner began again, “If you don’t mind, I’d like to discuss Mr. Anderson’s history with you.”

 

“Of course. Anything you need to know. I’m ready.”

 

I kissed the side of her head and left her to tell Dr. Horner Jay’s long history while I stepped out to finalize my plans.

 

 

*0*0*

 

**_Bella_ **

 

By eight that night, the seventy-two hour hold had been issued. Jay had been transferred to the psych ward at Harborview Medical Center until the long-term situation could be addressed. Both Edward and Dr. Horner convinced me to put off seeing him until Sunday, in the hopes that he may have settled down and become less agitated by then.

 

There was nothing left for us to do at that point, so we went back to our hotel, ordered room service, and finally fell gratefully into bed.

 

When I woke up the next morning, I felt miles better. Things with Jay were by no means settled, but the process was started, and with any luck, soon he’d be someplace safe and I could finally stop worrying. The sun was out; it was a rare, lovely day. After we’d showered, we ordered room service again and debated how to while away the time until Sunday.

 

“Well,” Edward said, stretching his arms over his head and yawning. I watched his t-shirt stretch taut over his abdomen and debated just dragging him back to bed for the day. “This is your home town. Do you want to show me around? All the fun stuff from before my time?”

 

I shrugged, “Seattle’s not my home town; Forks is. To be honest, outside of college, my time in Seattle wasn’t really very happy. Certainly nothing I’d want to relive.”

 

“Okay, then, why don’t you show me Forks?”

 

I looked up at Edward across the table. “Forks is almost four hours away.”

 

“And? What else are we going to do? Do you want to go back for a visit?”

 

I thought about that for a minute. Then the answer was overwhelmingly clear. “Yes, I want to go back. I want you to see it.”

 

A slow, soft smile spread across his face. “Alright. Let’s hit the road.”

 

The minute we left Seattle and were on the highway, I felt better. Seattle was oppressive. It had been when I lived there, although I always assumed it was Jay and our dysfunctional relationship making me feel that way. But so many gloomy years seemed to have tainted the whole city for me. Seattle was the place I’d been trapped in my unhappiness for so long, and it would probably always be that for me. I didn’t miss it, and I certainly didn’t want to spend time there.

 

The drive to Forks made me feel re-energized. As soon as familiar landmarks started appearing, I was pointing them out to Edward. That inevitably led to telling him stories, and soon, I was spilling my life story— road trips home with Alice; the trip I made with my dad when he took me to college for the first time, and all the fear and anxiety that went with me; I even found myself remembering long-ago shopping trips to “the city” with my mother, stuff I hadn’t thought about in years.

 

As Edward listened, asked questions, and laughed at my stories, I found myself feeling really glad we’d decided to do this. All he really knew from my past was the bad stuff, starting with the death of my father, and finishing with the disaster of Jay. But there was a lot of good in my past, too, and I wanted him to see it. I was more than just my heartbreak and bad choices. I wanted him to see the me that existed before all of that. Hell, I wanted to see her again myself.

 

We took our time on the drive, stopping for lunch in Edmonds before we got on the ferry, and taking breaks at several places along the 101 to enjoy the view. When we hit Port Angeles, I convinced Edward to stop for the night. It wasn’t that late, but I explained that both the accommodations and the food would be better there than in Forks. Edward scouted up a lovely little B&B on his phone, and we were given a beautiful room with a plush white bed and a spectacular view of the Strait. After a leisurely stroll through PA, and dinner at a little Italian place that I remembered from high school, we made very good use of both the view and the bed.

 

Forks was shockingly unchanged. It was like time stood still there. The True Value hardware store still had the horse kids could ride on for a quarter out front; the diner still had the dirty blue and white sign advertising the blue plate special; the Thriftway still advertised double coupon Wednesdays on the roadside sign. It had been almost five years. The last time I was there was when I’d come to sign the last papers on the sale of my dad’s house. And here it all was, practically suspended in time.

  
There was something else I was unprepared for. I had been missed. We stopped for coffee at The Shot in the Dark, the only thing like a coffee shop in Forks. I stepped out of the car and turned to say something to Edward, but I was pulled up short by the sound of my name.

 

“Bella?”

 

I turned to see Carol Kramer just about to climb into her car. Carol had worked as a check-out girl at the Thriftway since well before I’d been born. She’d worked all through her marriage, the births of her children, then her grandchildren, and past the age when anyone else would have retired. Her apron was folded over the top of her purse, telling me that, inexplicably, she was _still_ working there.

 

“Mrs. Kramer…hi!”

 

“Bella Swan,” she tsked, crossing the parking lot to pull me into a quick but firm hug. “What brings you back here, sweetheart?”

 

“Oh, um…just visiting for the day, I guess. We were in Seattle and had a little free time. And I wanted to show…oh, Mrs. Kramer, this is Edward. Edward, this is Carol Kramer. I’ve known her since…”

 

Carol shook Edward’s hand eagerly. “I’ve known this little bit her whole life. I knew her momma when she was still around, and I knew her father, God rest his soul.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Edward murmured politely.

 

“Bella, you should take a drive past your old house while you’re here. There’s a young couple with a baby that lives there now. They’ve fixed it up real nice.”

 

“I’ll do that. I’d like to see it again.” The thought of strangers living in the house I grew up in, the house my father had died in, gave me a momentary pang.

 

“Sweetheart,” Carol said, her eyes quickly getting glassy with tears. “I sure do miss your daddy. He was a good man. We don’t see the likes of him too often in life.”

 

I opened my mouth to say something polite, but nothing came out. My throat closed up painfully and my own eyes burned. I felt Edward squeeze my hand.

 

“Don’t mind me, sweetpea!” Carol said, waving her hand. “I’m just a sentimental old lady! Now, where are you these days? I heard Seattle?”

 

“No. No, not anymore,” I said, finding my voice again and swallowing back the sudden tears. “I’m in Chicago now. Since February. I work at a literary magazine there.”

 

Carol’s face lit up with her smile. “Well, isn’t that just fantastic? You were always a special one. We all knew you’d do big things.”

 

I blushed and stammered, and tried to think of a polite, neutral response.

 

“And she is,” Edward said quietly at my side. I smiled at him gratefully. Carol didn’t stay long. She just wished me well and told me again how happy she was to see me before climbing back into her car.  
  


“They miss you,” Edward said, once she’d gone. “And they miss your dad.”

 

I let out a long, shuddering sigh. “I miss him, too. I wish you could have met him. I wish _he_ could have met _you_.”

 

“Me, too. So, do you want to go see your old house?”

 

“Yeah,” I said finally, “I think I do.”

 

The house was just as Carol described it, cleaned up and tidied, with a coat of bright white paint and flowers all along the front walk. Children’s toys were scattered across the yard, and there were yellow curtains in the windows. It made me sad to see the changes, but at the same time, it was nice to see life moving on in the place where my life, in a lot of ways, felt like it ended for a while.

  
We also took a drive down Calawah Way, to the Forks Cemetery, to visit my dad’s grave. Edward hung back a few feet while I laid down the flowers I’d brought and sat for a few minutes. I felt silly trying to talk to him, but I had no idea when I’d ever be back here, so I felt like I should try. I took a deep breath and started whispering, while my fingers stayed busy clearing the grass from the headstone. Once the words started, though, I couldn’t seem to stop them.

 

“Hi, Dad. It’s me. I’m back. Um…I don’t know if I’ll come again. I moved away. Chicago. Can you believe that? Yeah, things in Seattle didn’t go so well. I was unhappy for such a long time there. I just missed you so much, Dad. And I gave in to it. I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to, but I couldn’t help it. But things are better now. Chicago is great. I’m with Alice, and I know how much you loved her. I have this great job and…I’ve met somebody. Edward. He’s amazing. Dad, I’m so sorry you couldn’t be here to meet him. I mean, I’m sorry that you’re not here for a million reasons every day, but I think I’m sorriest that you’ll never know him. Because he’s so wonderful. I love him, and I know you would have, too. Well, he doesn’t fish, but he likes baseball, so you’d have done alright with each other. Anyway, I just wanted to come one more time to tell you that I love you, and I miss you. Every day. And I’m okay now. Really okay.”

 

My face was wet with tears and when I tried to draw in a breath, my whole body shook with the effort. Edward was there in a flash behind me, gripping my shoulders, pulling me back against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I let myself cry it out; not the abject misery and loneliness I’d felt in the past. Just a sort of dull, aching sorrow that I’d probably always feel when I thought of my father. But it was also cathartic; coming back, telling him about all the changes in my life, telling him I’d moved on from this place.

 

“You ready to go?” Edward murmured against my ear, a little while later.

 

“Yes. I really am.”

 

When we left Forks that afternoon, I didn’t look back.

 

We goofed off for another day in the area, before heading back to Seattle and grim reality on Sunday morning. I wanted it done and over, so I asked Edward to drive straight to Harborview Medical Center.

 

“Bella,” he said after he cut the car off, “are you sure you want to do this? You don’t know what he’ll be like, and seeing him this way might just upset you more.”

 

“It’s okay, Edward. I think I need to. So it’s really done in my mind. I’ll do what I can, and then we’ll go.”

 

“Just so you know, I’m going in with you.”

 

“Edward,” I inhaled sharply. “What if that sets him off?”

 

He wrapped a hand around my right wrist and raised it to his face, pressing his lips on the fine white scar there. “That’s exactly why I’m going with you, Bell.”

 

I had to concede that he had his reasons to be nervous, so I didn’t argue anymore.

 

On the eighth floor, where the psych ward was located, Edward exchanged a few brief words with the nurse on duty, working the “Dr. Cullen” angle again, and she led us to the end of the hall.

 

“Mr. Anderson has been started on medications, but they likely haven’t had a chance to do much good yet,” she explained, as she fished her security card out of her pocket. “But he’s still pretty calm, all things considered. Much better than a few days ago. I’ll stay just inside the door, in case things get out of control.”

 

I swallowed hard.

 

“Bella, I’ll tell you again that you don’t have to go in. You never have to see him again, if you don’t want to,” Edward said at my side, his voice low and urgent. He was looking at me; I could feel his eyes on the side of my face. But I kept my eyes on the door.

 

“I know that, Edward. I do. But I need to do this.”

 

He exhaled heavily. “Okay, then let’s go.”

 

The nurse swiped her security card through the slot by the door and keyed in a code. The lock popped and she pushed her way in. “How are you this afternoon, Mr. Anderson?” she said brightly, bustling in. I followed her slowly, Edward right at my back, his hand heavy on my shoulder.

 

The room had two beds and a sink in the corner. There was a straight-back chair next to each bed, and a window in the wall in between the beds. One bed was empty, still neatly made-up, but sitting in the chair next to the other bed, looking out the window, was Jay.

 

I sucked in my breath at the sight of him. He had to have lost at least twenty pounds. His cheeks were sunken and hollow. His bone structure had always been sharply defined, but now his face was nearly skeletal. His hair had grown out and was a shaggy mop, tucked untidily behind his ears. Oddly, it reminded me a little of how he wore it in college, when we first met, and I felt the first real pang of emotion since I walked in the room.

 

For all these months, the image of him that remained in my memory was of that last night— of Jay, raging and incoherent, completely unpredictable in his fury. But this shell of a man, with a pale blue hospital gown hanging unevenly from his shoulders, was nearly unrecognizable.

 

He turned his head to look at us and I watched his blue eyes squint, trying to discern who we were. He just looked exhausted and confused. Nothing more.

 

Edward leaned into my ear and whispered, “He’s probably on a mild sedative, to keep him calm.” I nodded my understanding.

 

“You’ve got some visitors,” the nurse was saying, bustling around his bed, straightening up the sheets.

 

His wavering gaze finally locked on me. I made myself look back. I could see him process it, working through the noise crowding his head. Finally, he spoke, his voice just a hoarse rasp.

 

“Bella?”

 

“Yeah,” I said, moving towards him. “It’s me, Jay.” Edward started to move after me, but then he seemed to think better of it and stayed where he was by the door. I glanced back at him over my shoulder. His face was hard and set, his eyes intently locked on Jay.

 

“I knew you’d come back,” Jay murmured, as I lowered myself hesitantly into the chair next to the other bed, a few feet away from him.

 

“Just for the day. How are you, Jay?”

 

He closed his eyes and shook his head, half in frustration, half in confusion. “No one will listen to me. I was so close, B. I almost had him. And they won’t let me finish. But you can talk to them for me. You can tell them that I have to go.”

 

I took a deep breath, knowing what happened next would make all the difference. “They only want to help you, Jay.”

 

“But Eleazar is going to get away. You know what he’s like, B. Tell them. Tell them that he was after me, so they understand.”

 

I glanced quickly at Edward for guidance, if I should stop or keep going. He gave me a small, tight nod of his chin. Keep going.

 

“Jay, you’ll have plenty of time to worry about that. These people are trying to do what’s best for you. Can you help them do that?”

 

He scowled at me, not angry, just puzzled. In the bright afternoon sunlight coming through the window next to him, I could see a scar on his right cheek, new and pink, and I wondered what else had happened to him during all this time. “They want to help me?” he finally asked.

 

“Yes, they do. They only want to help.” I knew he thought I meant help him with his paranoid crusade against Eleazar, but I tried not to feel too bad about the deception. Whatever worked. Hopefully soon, the medications would start to work and he wouldn’t even realize or care that I’d been lying to him.

 

“Help,” he repeated slowly.

 

“They want to help you,” I insisted, leaning towards him. “So will you help them out? Just do what they ask you to do?”

 

He looked at me, and for just a moment, it seemed like the fog had cleared. He was _there_. “Do you think I should, B?”

 

I nodded hard. “Yes, Jay, I do. They want to help you, so will you let them? For me?”

 

He paused, still just staring at me. “For you. I will, Bella. You know I’d do anything for you.”

 

I exhaled hard. “Thank you, Jay.”

 

“Will you be there with me?”

 

My chest twisted uncomfortably as I shook my head. “No, Jay. I have to go.”

 

“Go?”

 

“Back home. I don’t live here anymore.”

 

He thought about that for a minute, looking at his hands, which lay limply in his lap. “I think I remember…B, did I hurt you?”

 

His voice was soft and uncertain. “You didn’t mean to, Jay. It’s okay. I’m fine.”

 

“You’re okay?”

 

I smiled at him, “Yeah, I’m fine. I have to go. But will you promise me to let them help you?”

 

“I promise. When will you come back?”

 

I quailed and glanced at Edward. Jay hadn’t seemed to have even noticed his presence. He was probably so used to doctors and nurses coming in and out all day at this point that one more wouldn’t register. Edward gave me another little nod of encouragement. I still didn’t know what to say, but I started talking anyway.

 

“I’m not sure,” I lied. “But you’ll be okay, Jay.”

 

“Okay,” he said, glancing back out the window absently. I felt like whatever flicker of connection we’d had was fading fast. He was already gone.

 

“The medication makes him groggy,” the nurse explained gently. “He should rest now.”

 

I nodded and got up, crossing back to Edward. “Bye, Jay,” I murmured, just before the nurse ushered us out of the room.

 

As soon as the door clicked closed behind me, the tears started, welling up out of nowhere and taking me completely by surprise.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Edward murmured, pulling me into his arms quickly. “It’s okay.”

 

I wept into his shirt for several long minutes and he just held me, his hands rubbing slowly up and down my back.

 

“I’m sorry it upset you so badly, baby,” he said.

 

I shook my head against his shoulder. “I’m not even all that upset. Not like how you mean. It just feels like such a… _release_. I had no idea how much I was still hanging onto this.”

 

He held my while my sobs turned to sniffles and then stopped altogether.

 

“Better?”

 

I nodded. He swiped his thumbs along my cheeks to dry my face.

 

“Let’s get you back to the hotel,” he murmured. “You need some sleep.”

 

He led me down the hall and out of the hospital, out into the sunshine.

 

*0*0*

 

 

Edward’s low voice woke me up the next morning. I stretched languorously in bed and rolled to my side to look for him. He was sitting in a chair by the window, elbows resting on his knees, phone to his ear.

 

“I see….no, that makes perfect sense….yeah. Well, I really appreciate this, Dr. Green…Steve, okay, fine.” He smiled into the phone. “So you’ll get the file today?... Great. When will the transfer happen?....Okay, great….No, I think that’s it….thanks, again, Steve….yeah, we will.”

 

He ended the call and exhaled heavily.

 

“Hey, there,” I murmured, my voice lower than I expected from sleep. His head snapped up.

 

“You’re awake.”

 

“I’m awake. Who were you talking to?”

 

“Well,” he said, standing up and stretching. His t-shirt pulled up and I saw a delectable section of stomach. I was about to climb out of bed to get to him, but he was moving in my direction, which was just where I wanted him. “I just got Jay committed to Greenwood Psychiatric Hospital.”

 

I flopped back on the bed, all thoughts of licking my way down Edward’s abdomen momentarily forgotten. “What? This morning?”

 

He smirked down at me. “It _is_ nine-thirty, sleepyhead. The judge signed off on the ninety-day commitment half an hour ago.”

 

“But…how?”

 

“I made contact with Dr. Green last month. Greenwood is the best private facility in the state.”

 

I sat up sharply, “Edward, he can’t afford private care.”

 

He held up his hand to stop me. “Ten percent of the beds are set aside for state cases.”

 

“How did you get him in, though? Isn’t there a wait list or something?”

 

“When a bed vacates, they log onto the state database and get assigned a patient randomly. Dr. Green knew that one of the state patients was getting discharged this weekend. He told me to call early on Monday, before the secretary got around to the paperwork, and we could by-pass that part. We didn’t line-jump anyone. His name could have come up randomly the same as anyone else’s. Dr. Green was willing to extend a professional courtesy to me, and I accepted.”

 

I stared up at him for a moment, trying to figure out how I felt about this.

 

“Bella, it’s the best hospital he could hope for. He’ll get three months of the best psychiatric care available. And the doctors at Greenwood are more likely than most to realistically assess his condition. When the ninety days are up, if they feel like he needs more care, they won’t hesitate to recommend another ninety-day commitment. They’ll take good care of him. And he’s in. It’s done,” Edward pressed.

 

Finally, I nodded, my shoulders falling. “You’re right. I couldn’t ask for a better outcome, Edward.”

 

I reached out and snagged his hand, tugging him towards me. He kneeled on the bed and then lowered himself down next to me. I laid back down and tucked myself into his side.

 

“Okay?” he said hesitantly.

 

“Yes. More than okay. Thank you, Edward.”

 

“Do you want to go see him again?”

 

I paused for a minute before shaking my head. “No, I don’t. We’re done here. Can we just go home?”

 

I felt him smile against the side of my head “Yeah, let’s go home, baby.”

 

 


	30. Watershed

**  
**

**_Bella_ **

****

“Thank God that’s finally done,” Alice sighed, as I finished recounting the details of the trip to Seattle. “Now, are you willing to just let this go and move on?”

 

I nodded, “Yes. I am. I _really_ am. I didn’t even realize how much I was still hanging on to it until I let go. It feels good.”

 

Alice leaned back in the booth and reached for her drink. We were assembled for brunch, as usual, and as usual, my news had taken up the bulk of the first part of the day. I was looking forward to a day when I showed up with absolutely nothing to report except what  I had for lunch that week. Wouldn’t that be novel?

 

“Okay,” Alice said, after taking her sip, “Bella’s all done. Rose, you’re up.”

 

Rose leaned down to take a drink, her glossy red lips wrapping around her straw as she demurely looked up at Alice. “What?”

 

Rose was never, ever demure.

 

Alice snorted a laugh. “Look at you, acting all coy. Spill it, sweetheart.”

 

“Alice, really…”

 

“Can it,” Alice said, throwing her hand up. “We’ve all had to witness the Rose and Emmett show up close and personal for months now. The least you could do is cut us in on the big payout. So, _spill_.”

 

Rose huffed and rolled her eyes, but she talked. “It’s good. I mean, there’s stuff to deal with. A _lot_ of stuff. And sometimes I still really want to kill him. A lot of the time, actually. But he’s serious. After all we’ve been through, he didn’t feel like he could ask me to give it a real go unless I knew he was really serious. So that’s why he was so sneaky about the job. He wanted to show me that he meant it— that he really wants something with me. So we’re going to have something. If I don’t kill him first. I really do want to kill him a lot.”

 

“Maybe wanting to kill him will keep things fresh,” Angela said, always trying to look on the bright side.

 

Rose chuckled, “Or maybe I’ll just smother him in his sleep. Except I can’t do that because the sex is amazing.”

 

“ _Now_ we’re getting somewhere,” Alice cackled gleefully.

 

“That’s all you’re getting from me, Alice. It’s good,” Rose said succinctly, trying to suppress the smug smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “That’s all I’m going to say.”

 

Alice groaned dramatically. “Okay, _fine_. Somebody else pleeeeaase share something juicy.”

 

Jessica, who’d been uncharacteristically quiet through all of brunch so far, suddenly sat up straight and practically shouted, “I’m moving to Atlanta!”

 

“What?” Alice said.

 

“What?” I echoed stupidly. Rose and Angela just stared at her open-mouthed.

 

“What did you just say?” Alice said slowly.

 

Jessica’s whole face crumpled up and she started twisting her fingers together in her lap. “I think…um… I’m moving to Atlanta. To be with Mike.”

 

“That’s…” Alice started, then trailed off.

 

“Jess,” I interjected, “when the hell did this happen? I thought you guys were just talking on the phone sometimes.”

 

“We _were_ ,” she wailed. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I kept telling myself it was just a fling and that I didn’t care and I was fine with being friends, but I was lying to myself! Then he called me and said he was in love with me and he wanted us to be together and I don’t know…I just can’t…I need to be with him! Oh my God, this is crazy. You’re all going to tell me I’m crazy and I _know_ it. I _know_ I am, but I can’t help it and…”

 

Angela, who was sitting next to her, reached out to lay her hand on Jess’s forearm to stop her rant. “Jess, you’re not crazy.”

 

“Yes, I am! I had a _plan_ , Angela! And Atlanta wasn’t part of it!”

 

“Jess, the plan was crap,” Alice said.

 

Jessica snapped out of it long enough to glare at her across the table. “You never liked the plan, Alice.”

 

“Forget the stupid plan for a minute,” Angela interrupted, “Do you love him, too?”

 

Jessica looked at her for a second, her face completely distraught. Then her wide blue eyes welled dramatically with tears, like a cartoon baby bunny. Her bottom lip trembled and her voice shot up an octave. “Yes. Oh, crap, I love him. Fuck!”

 

“Then you’ll move to Atlanta,” Angela said with a shrug.

 

“But my job...!”

 

“They have jobs in Atlanta, Jess,” Alice said, leaning across the table towards her. “You’ll figure this out.”

 

Jess gave a loud, watery sniffle. “You think so?”

 

“Yes, I do. Jess, if he’s the one, then you need to throw your stupid plan out the window, already.”

 

She gave a tiny nod. “He is. He’s the one. God, I’m such a moron.”

 

“You’re not a moron,” I said, keeping my voice as calm and reassuring as possible. Poor Jessica looked like she was balancing on the knife-edge of a panic attack. “You were just very focused. What did you tell him? Does he know you want to move there?”

 

Finally Jess cracked a small smile as she nodded. “He was _so_ excited. It was kind of adorable.”

 

“See?” Alice said. “You’ve got him. And you’re so good at your job, Jess. Any publication will be desperate to get you. Don’t worry about that. Oh! Jess! We’ll be related!” Alice clapped her hands together in delight.

 

“Um, Alice, we’re not even officially dating yet.”

 

Alice waved an annoyed hand. “A girl doesn’t have an epic freak-out like we just witnessed unless it’s the real deal. We’ll be….I don’t know, cousins-in-law…before you know it. Rose, too! Oh, we’ll all be _family_.”

 

Jess let out a long, wavering sigh, the tension visibly leaving her. “Thanks, guys. I swear, I haven’t slept a wink in the last three days. I was so sure I was about to ruin my whole life.”

 

“I think,” Rose interjected, “this might be you _starting_ your whole life. Welcome to the family, Jess.”

 

Alice raised her mimosa in front of her. “To Jess and Mike!”

 

Jess laughed a little and sniffed through her smile. We all raised our glasses with Alice. “To Jess and Mike!”

 

 

 

*0*0*

 

 

Keys, keys, keys….

 

For such a tiny place, it was remarkably easy for me to lose shit in here. Edward was going to be here any minute, and I had been digging for my keys for fifteen minutes with no luck. In the end, I supposed it didn’t really matter. Edward had a key to my place; I had a key to his, so he could lock up for me if mine didn’t turn up. But I still wanted my own damned keys.

 

My cell went off in the middle of my frantic searching, so I had to divert to find my phone. I answered without even looking, half-certain that it would be Edward calling to tell me he was almost here.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Ms. Swan?”

 

I stood up straight and raked the messy curtain of my hair off my face. I wasn’t expecting this unfamiliar, formal voice.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I apologize for calling you on your cell, especially at this hour. Is this a bad time?”

 

“Um, no. Well, that depends. Who is this?”

 

I heard the soft chuckle and felt goosebumps erupt across the back of my neck, because I was pretty sure I knew exactly who this was now. Aro Blalock.

 

“My apologies. I’ve gotten ahead of myself. This is Aro Blalock. Dida introduced us a few weeks ago.”

 

“Of course. I remember. How are you?” Listen to how calm and collected I sounded! I was proud of myself for not sounding like a blithering idiot, even if I was still mentally scrambling to figure out why on earth he would be calling me.

 

“I’m well. And yourself?”

 

“Good, good.” I was exchanging polite chit-chat with Aro Blalock. This scenario still wasn’t computing.

 

“I’m glad to hear it. Listen, Ms. Swan…”

 

“Bella.”

 

“Right. Bella. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m calling.”

 

“I have to admit that I am.”

 

“I have something important to discuss with you.”

 

 

*0*0*

****

**_Edward_ **

****

 

My phone rang just as I pulled up behind Bella’s apartment. I was tempted to just ignore it, but when I glanced at the screen, I saw Jasper’s name blinking and felt a pang of guilt. I’d been living back in Chicago for months and I couldn’t remember the last time Jasper and I had hung out, unless it was also with the girls. I was definitely guilty of complete relationship immersion, so I hit the send button just before it went to voicemail.

 

“Jazz! What’s up?”

 

“Nothing, man, I just haven’t seen you since the fourth and I wanted to see how it’s going.”

 

“Yeah…” I rubbed my hand over my eyes before I cut off the car. I climbed out and glanced at the back of Jasper’s house. “Things have been busy. I’m actually in your backyard right now.”

 

“Really? Come on in!”

 

“Um, can’t. I’m picking up Bella and….”

 

“Say no more. I get it. Just don’t be such a stranger, alright?”

 

“Absolutely. I’ll give you a call soon. We’ll hang. Hell, maybe we’ll even manage to pry Em out of Rose’s bed for a night and do it up right.”

 

“Dude, you just can’t _say_ shit like that to me! She’s my _sister_! It’s bad enough that I know it’s happening. No visuals!”

 

I laughed out loud. “Sorry, sorry. But seriously, soon. I’ll call you.”

 

“Alright, see you, man. Have fun with B.”

 

I hit the “end” button and smiled slightly before pocketing my phone and heading up the stairs. I had a key to her place, but I knocked anyway, just to give her time to finish up whatever she was doing.

 

“Coming…” I heard her call from inside, and I couldn’t help smiling at the sound. I started to rock slightly on the balls of my feet in anticipation of seeing her open the door. I never got tired of this feeling; she never stopped taking my breath away.

 

A moment later, the door swung open. Bella was still putting on her earring and she threw me a quick, distracted smile before turning back away from the door. Distracted and…something else. I could feel her tension in the air the second I laid eyes on her.

 

“What’s up?” I asked, worried that maybe Sam had called with some sort of news, although everything was fine the last time I checked in. Bella didn’t know I kept tabs on Jay. She’d decided to leave it behind, and I was more than happy to let her do that, but the doctor in me felt compelled to keep an eye on the situation. Everything was fine, but if there ever came a day that it wasn’t, I wanted to know about it.

 

“Um, nothing,” she shrugged, looking around herself for her bag. Aside from the one quick glance when she opened the door, she had yet to look at me, and she hadn’t touched me. She might have said nothing was wrong, but I wasn’t buying it. I knew her too well; something was up.

 

“Really?” I pressed. “Because you seem…distracted.”

 

“Well, I just… um, I was on the phone right before you got here.”

 

She was still moving around in a seemingly random pattern, looking for something. The sense of unease I felt intensified. “With who?”

 

“What? Oh…um, Aro Blalock.”

 

“The publisher?” My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. What the hell was that guy doing calling her on her cell? The tension I was feeling grew stronger.

 

“Remember, I told you I had lunch with him and Dida a few weeks ago?”

 

“I remember. Why did he call you?”

 

“Well…” Bella sighed and looked at her hands, which she was twisting together. “He called with an offer.”

 

“What? What kind of offer?”

 

“A job. Maybe. I don’t know yet. But they want me to come to New York to discuss it.” Bella was still looking anywhere but at me. It took a second for the implications of what she just said to sink in. Aro Blalock. Volterra Press. In New York. He wanted _Bella_.

 

I swallowed hard and tried to make my voice as neutral as possible. “What did you say?”

 

“Well, it’s not officially an offer, so we just talked travel schedule and…”

 

“Travel schedule?” I repeated stupidly.

 

“Yes, it’s all happening kind of fast. The people I need to talk to are heading to Frankfurt for the book fair next week, so they’re flying me in tomorrow while everybody is still there and…”

 

I rocked back on my heels, feeling like I’d been physically punched in the chest. “Wait…you’re _going_? _Tomorrow_?”

 

Finally, hearing the disbelief and shock in my voice, Bella turned and looked at me. Her face was passive, but her eyes looked worried. “To talk to them? Of course I’m going.”

 

“When were you planning on telling me about this, Bell?” As the shock gradually faded, anger took over. Anger that she had decided this unilaterally; that I didn’t seem to have factored into the decision at all; that she was so studiously avoiding actually _talking_ to me; it was starting to make my vision go red. I was trying to keep a handle on it. This wasn’t the time to lose my temper, but it was difficult to stuff it down. The fact of the matter was I was pissed, and having a hard time covering it up.

 

“I just got off the phone with him, Edward. I’m telling you right now.” Her voice was steady, dispassionate.

 

“But that’s just fucking it, Bella! You’re fucking _telling_ me. It’s already done!”

 

She sighed and closed her eyes, pressing her fingertips to her forehead. “What did you want me to do, Edward?”

 

“Talk to me! I thought…” I had to spin away from her and cross the room to get as far away from her as the tiny space would allow, and try to get a grip on myself. “I would have thought, considering our relationship, that you might discuss something as fucking monumental as this with me first. Do I figure in to this decision at all?”

 

She exhaled hard and threw her hands up in the air. “Edward, nothing’s decided! It’s a meeting.”

 

“They must be pretty serious about you if they’re flying you in on such short notice. Sounds fairly decisive to me.”

 

She was silent for a long moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “Maybe. I don’t know. But I have to go.”

 

“I wasn’t going to stop you, Bell. I just…” I trailed off and shook my head. My anger lost its raw edge, leaving me depleted. And desolate.

 

“What?” she finally prompted.

 

“I thought what I had to say, how I felt about this, might have mattered a little more to you.”

 

“Edward…” she started towards me, reaching for me, but I needed out. I needed to clear my head. I wasn’t ready to stop being mad yet, and if I stayed, I was going to end up saying something I’d really regret.

 

I held my hands up to fend her off. “Look, we’ll talk when you get back. It seems like we’re going to have plenty of that to do. You’d better pack.”

 

“But…”

 

“I’ll see you later, Bell. Safe flight.” I couldn’t look at her as I left, so I didn’t know how my words affected her. I couldn’t worry about that right now. She’d just unilaterally made a potentially life-altering decision with absolutely no consideration for me— it might have been juvenile, but I felt justified in not considering her in that moment. I just pulled her door closed behind me and stomped down the stairs to the backyard.

 

I stood at the foot of the steps for a moment, the fog of anger and pain still swirling around my head. The gold squares of light from Jasper’s house illuminated the backyard. Before I’d thought too much about it, my feet were moving through backyard and I was climbing the steps to the deck. I paused for just a moment at the back door before I raised my hand and knocked.

 

A minute later, Alice appeared. Her brow furrowed in confusion when she recognized me through the glass panel.

 

“Edward?” she asked, when she swung the door open.

 

“Um, sorry to bother you, Alice. Is Jasper here?”

 

“Uh…yeah. Sure, he is. Come on in.” She was still confused, but she waved me in politely. A moment later, Jasper rounded the corner into the kitchen.

 

“Ed. What’s up, man?”

 

I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck, exhausted, heartsick, and just…done. “I could use a drink.”

 

Jasper gave me a long, appraising look before turning to Alice, “Hey, Al? Ed and I are going to go downstairs and have a scotch in the study, okay?”

 

Alice nodded quickly. “Sure. Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

 

“Will do, babe.” He squeezed her hand before leading the way through the house. As I passed her, Alice reached out and brushed her fingers across my shoulder. Her gentle little gesture nearly broke me in two.

 

*0*0*

 

 

**_Bella_ **

 

I don’t know how long I stood in the middle of the room after Edward left, just staring at the door where he disappeared. I was afraid that if I moved at all, it would make it real. He just _left._

 

But it was real. He did it. He was angry and he left.

 

My hands were shaking and I felt like I might throw up. I took a step towards the door, then stopped myself. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to do. Go after him and beg him to come back? Or yell back at him? I felt numb and paralyzed, with no idea of what came next.

 

The loud rap on my door made me yelp in surprise and jump back. My heart was pounding, but I knew it wasn’t him. It wasn’t his knock. I crossed to the door and opened it to find Alice, standing on the landing, her face apprehensive.

 

“Hey,” she said quietly.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Um…I thought you might need me.”

 

“How did you…?”

 

“He’s in the study with Jasper, getting drunk. I figured there was probably a reason for that. What happened?”

 

Knowing where he was somehow shook me out of my frozen state. I sighed and turned away from the door. To stay occupied, I crossed to my clothes rack while Alice came in and shut the door behind her. Edward was right; I did need to pack. Focusing on a task would keep me from freaking out and breaking down entirely. Because if I thought too much about what just happened with Edward, that’s what I was going to do, for sure.

 

“We got in a fight.”

 

“I figured out that much. What about?” Alice crossed behind me and perched on the edge of the bed.

 

I folded a blouse and set it in a pile on my dresser to stall for time. “I got a job offer.”

 

“You have a job already.”

 

“I know that. I love my job. But I just got this call. About another job.”

 

“Is it better than _The Lantern_?”

 

“I guess it depends on your point of view.”

 

Alice huffed, exasperated. “Will you quit being so cryptic and just tell me what happened?”

 

“Aro Blalock from Volterra Press called me.”

 

Alice sucked in her breath dramatically. “No!”

 

“Yeah. I told you about having lunch with him a couple of weeks ago, right?”

 

“Yes, but just because he was some old friend of Dida’s. He _called_ you?”

 

“Mm-hmmm. Earlier tonight.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He said that they have an opening for an acquisitions editor in the Fiction division and they want me to come to New York and discuss it.”

 

“Holy shit!” Alice breathed. “Well, that’s gotta give your ego a boost, huh? I bet he was shocked as hell when you said no.”

 

“I said yes, Alice.”

 

“You what?”

 

“I said yes.”

 

Alice sputtered and waved her hands. “What the fuck? What do you mean, you said yes?”

 

I closed my eyes and sighed. “I didn’t say yes to the job, Alice. They haven’t officially offered it to me yet. I said yes to the interview trip.”

 

“You’re actually _considering_ this?”

 

“Of course I’m considering it. I _have_ to consider it. This is Volterra Press.”

 

“But…” Alice sputtered some more. “What about Chicago and _The Lantern_ and me? What about _Edward_? Is that what you guys fought about?”

 

“Yes, that was it. He’s really mad.”

 

“I get that. Would you do it? Just leave him for some job? If they offer it to you?”

 

“I don’t…I can’t…I’m not _leaving_ him, Alice. I’m just making the trip to New York to talk to them. He was flipping out about me just making the trip. I have to at least go and consider it. You see that, right?”

 

“Honestly, no I don’t see it. You said you’re happy here. You love your job and your life and you’re in a serious relationship. And you’re telling me you’d throw it all away and move to _New York_? Why do you have to consider it at all?”

 

I sighed and tried to collect my thoughts. I hadn’t really had a second to mentally catch my breath since I realized that it was Aro Blalock calling me. And the scene with Edward had shaken me to my soul. I certainly hadn’t yet put into words exactly why I felt like I had no choice here. But Alice was about to completely freak out on me, and Edward already had, so I needed to try.

 

“Ally, I spent almost five years completely ignoring what was good for me. I sacrificed every opportunity I had for someone else. I’ve finally gotten myself back on track, and I’m aware of the mistakes I made. I quit striving for anything for myself because it was safer to hide where I was. And here I am, rebuilding my life again from nothing, just like I did before, and I don’t want to repeat those mistakes. If I ignore this, then I’d be doing the same thing all over again; hiding where it’s safe instead of going for it and giving myself a chance to do more…to _be_ more.”

 

Alice nodded slowly, “I get what you’re saying, B, I really do. But I’m going to tell you again, this is not the same. Just because you wound up here, living this life sort of by default, that doesn’t mean it’s the _wrong_ life. Maybe this is exactly where you’re meant to be, and exactly what you’re meant to be doing.”

 

“And maybe it’s not. I’ll never know for sure if I don’t go.”

 

She sighed, but said nothing for a moment. “And Edward flipped out, huh?”

 

“Yeah, you could say that.”

 

Alice just nodded.

 

“Do you agree with him?” I pressed her.

 

She held up her hands in defense. “It’s between you and him. I think…well, I just told you what I think. But you’re my best friend, B, and I’ll support you. If you really feel like this is what you need to do, I’ll be here for you.”

 

“Thanks for that, Al.” I crossed to the bed and sat down next to her. She threw her arm across my shoulders and squeezed.

 

“I love you, sweetie. I’ll be here for you no matter what you decide to do.”

 

“You’re the best, Al.”

 

“Don’t I know it,” she said with a smile, rolling her eyes. “Now, it looks like you need help packing. Have you decided what you’re wearing to the meeting yet?”

 

I smiled tightly and shook my head. She scampered up off the bed and began flipping through my Spartan little rack of clothes. I swallowed down the sickening ball of anxiety lodged in my chest. Alice was ready to support me even if she didn’t entirely agree with me, and that made me feel marginally better.

 

But Edward…

 

I couldn’t forget the look on his face when he realized I was going. The panic over that was almost enough to make me call the whole thing off. I was about to call Aro Blalock back and tell him thanks, but no thanks. Then I’d start thinking again instead of just panicking, and I knew that I had to do this. I couldn’t just throw my future away again, solely for the sake of hanging on to the security I felt here. What I was walking into terrified me, which was exactly why I had to do it. No more taking the safe and easy route, no matter how much I wanted to. I’d never really know who I was or what I was capable of if I didn’t do this.

 

So after a minute, I forced myself to my feet to help Alice pack my clothes for New York.

 


	31. The Path Is Clear

 

****

**_Bella_ **

****

I drained the last of my weak hot tea so that I could pass the empty cup to the flight attendant making her way down the aisle collecting trash. Thirty minutes and I’d be on the ground in New York. Flipping open my shoulder bag, I pulled out the itinerary Aro’s secretary had emailed me last night to double-check the details. Needing something to do to keep myself busy, I programmed the Volterra office phone number into my phone, just to be on the safe side. As I went to power it down, my thumb hovered over the “texts” icon. I tapped it to pull them up.

 

My text exchange with Edward from early this morning appeared on the screen.

 

_When do you get back?-E_

_Wednesday afternoon. –B_

_We’ll talk then. Have a good trip. Be safe.-E_

I ran my fingers back and forth over the exchange, trying to read into it exactly where we stood. He texted, so that was a good thing. He was still speaking to me. And while his words might have been dispassionate, they also weren’t angry or accusatory. The heat seemed to have gone out of him. That made me feel slightly hopeful. And he wished me a good trip. He told me to be safe. That was my Edward. But the promise to talk when I got back…my stomach rolled sickeningly at the thought, and I broke out in a cold sweat.

 

No time for this: I shut my phone off and stuffed it into my bag. If I dwelled on Edward, I’d completely freak out and never be able to do what I needed to do today. I needed to be my best— on my toes and sharp. All thoughts of Edward and our future were just going to have to wait. Because I _had_ to do this, and do it right.

 

*0*0*

 

I was met at baggage claim by a driver in a dark suit holding a placard with my name on it. A tremor ran through me, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or dread. Some crazy mix of both, I supposed.

 

The driver led me outside to a sleek black sedan, and settled me in the back seat while he stowed my small roll-on suitcase in the trunk. As he climbed in the car, he made sure to point out the bottled water and other amenities set out in back for me. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that I was being wooed.

 

As we drove through the impenetrable tangle of New York traffic, making our way to the midtown offices of Volterra Press, I tried not to fidget or obsess too much. I was self-conscious about my clothes, of course. In the end, Alice and I had settled for a soft blue silk blouse I’d bought on sale at Nordstrom Rack on a whim and my semi-dressy black pants from the Gap. Hardly corporate standard, but I hadn’t had any need for clothes like that since I’d gotten to Chicago and there’d been no time to shop. I was carrying my black nylon messenger bag, which was ridiculous, but again, it was the best I could do. I had an irrational fear that Aro Blalock would take one look at me and wonder what the hell he’d been thinking, dragging a scruffy thing like me all the way to New York and wasting their time.   
  


But thoughts like that were almost as destructive as dwelling on Edward, so I tried to keep my mind as blank as possible, focusing on the complex urban landscape rolling past my window and nothing else.

 

Forty minutes later, the driver was pulling to a stop at the curb in front of an imposing steel and glass office tower. In a few more minutes, I was making my way past security and into the express elevators up to the Volterra Press offices. I hadn’t had time to go to the hotel first, or to psyche myself up for this in any way, but maybe that was for the best. I’d just go in there on adrenaline and nerves and let the chips fall where they might. I wasn’t even sure what outcome I was hoping for. Everything inside me was a blank. I was just focused on getting through the next task in front of me, whatever that might be.

 

The main reception area of Volterra was subtly decorated in slate blue and tan. Not overly modern and cold, but clean and calm. The receptionist, an impeccably-groomed woman in her mid-forties, greeted me warmly, and swept my roll-on suitcase into a hidden closet behind her desk. She pressed a cup of coffee into my hands and showed me to one of the long, low couches lining the reception area.

 

The last thing I needed was more caffeine, so I just sipped it and used the cup to keep my hands occupied. The view from the floor-to-ceiling windows was spectacular. I wasn’t sure which way I was facing, maybe west, but it was an undulating sea of rooftops, glass and concrete, with the hazy blue of a distant river peeking through the slits between buildings. I’d only been to New York once before, on a student trip in high school, so it was essentially all new to me. Even up here, at this safe, quiet remove, I could feel the energy and intensity shimmering up from the city below. I took just a minute to glance down at the street far below: at the lines of cars, dotted liberally with yellow taxis; at the never-ending stream of people moving up and down the sidewalks.

 

So many people, all working in this endless warren of buildings. Where did they all live? Where did they go at the end of the work day? Life in New York was a mystery to me, and as I sat and tried to imagine it, I started getting anxious all over again. I was getting ahead of myself. They hadn’t offered; I hadn’t accepted. If it happened, I would think about it then. I’d learned Chicago, I could learn New York. Did I _want_ to learn New York? My chest constricted and my throat closed up painfully. Suddenly, I felt on the verge of tears. As I struggled to stuff the panic and anxiety back down under the surface, I heard someone enter the reception area.

 

I turned just as Aro was approaching me, his smile blindingly white against his tanned skin. He was more formal today, in a crisp, charcoal-grey pinstriped suit and a pale silver dress shirt and dark tie. He extended his hand towards me.

 

“Bella! So lovely to see you again! I can’t tell you how grateful we are that you were able to come on such short notice.”

 

I set my coffee cup aside and rose, taking his hand. He surprised me and pulled me in for a brief one-armed hug.

 

“It’s really not a problem. I was delighted to come,” I said as I pulled back. I marveled at how calm and collected I sounded to my own ears. I felt entirely out of my depth, but so far, so good. I at least _sounded_ like I knew what I was doing.

 

“Well, you saved our lives. You know, of course, that we’re all headed out to the Book Fair in Frankfurt tomorrow. And then when Caius announced that he was headed directly to Paris from there, we realized that we had to meet you today, if we were going to do it at all.”

 

“Caius?” I asked.

 

“Caius Parker. The last of the original three partners that founded Volterra. The other two have retired.”

 

“Oh, right. Dida told me you followed them from Simon and Schuster when they left to found this.”

 

Aro smiled, that smile that was wide, but missing something. “That’s right. Caius isn’t much involved in the day-to-day running of the company anymore, but he’s always a part of hiring new associates.”

 

I ignored the bright flare of anxiety I felt at his words and forced myself to smile back.

 

“Come back and meet the team.”

 

Aro placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me down the hall to a conference room. On my left were a row of small offices, all with the doors open. Someone was in each, talking on the phone, working on the computer. There was only the faint murmur of voices and the occasional soft trill of a phone. A woman in a white dress shirt and a black pencil skirt, her dark hair up in a French twist, walked briskly towards us with a stack of files in her arms. She smiled politely at us, not actually making eye-contact, before sweeping past us and down the hall. It all felt so _real_. A real office, real jobs…such a far cry from the ramshackle free-for-all of _The Lantern_. I resisted the impulse to rake my hands through my hair or tug on my blouse.

 

“This way, Bella,” Aro murmured, indicating an open door on my right. He was closer to me than I realized and I jumped a little when he spoke, but I turned into the open doorway he indicated.

 

As I entered, a thin, striking blonde in a fitted cream suit rose from her chair and smiled at me. Just like Aro, it was wide, but not quite warm. Practiced— that was the word I’d been searching for.

 

“Charlotte, there you are!” Aro said as we entered. “This is Bella Swan. Oh, I’m sorry…” he turned to me and his fingers brushed down my back, as if to get my attention. “Do you prefer Isabella or Bella? I realize I never asked.”

 

“Bella is good,” I said.

 

“Bella,” Aro repeated, with a small smile, eyes locked on mine. I felt a tiny frisson of unease and looked away quickly, towards Charlotte.

 

“So good to meet you, Bella,” Charlotte said briskly, shaking my hand. Her grip was startlingly strong. “I’m sure Aro’s already thanked you for coming on such short notice.”

 

“Yes, he has. And I told him that it was no problem.”

 

“Oh, look!” she said, glancing over my shoulder. “Just in time. Here are Caius and Randall.”

 

I turned to look. There was no doubt which one was Caius. He was tall, at least six-two, with a thick, leonine mane of silver hair. He was wearing a blue seersucker suit and a bow tie, studiously anachronistic. He seemed harried and distracted. Just behind him, practically ushering him into the room, was a younger man, possibly my age. He was dark-haired, and like Aro, wore a dark suit. Also like Aro and Charlotte, he radiated a certain frenetic energy. These people were always moving at break-neck speed; you could tell it just by looking at them. I felt slow and clumsy in comparison.

 

“This must be Bella,” Caius boomed, wrapping his hand around mine in a brief, encompassing handshake. He quickly moved past me and fell heavily into a chair behind me. The younger man juggled several binders to free his hand, which he briefly extended to me.

 

“Randall,” he said absently, clearly not mentally all present at the meeting.

 

Aro ushered me to a seat between him and Charlotte.

 

“So, Bella,” Charlotte dove right in. “Aro said you’re quite the phenom.”

 

“He did?” I sputtered. “I’m not sure if…”

 

“Now’s not the time for modesty, Bella,” he said, leaning into me conspiratorially. “I always trust Dida implicitly in these matters. And she said you’ve got the most natural talent as an editor that she’s seen in years.”

 

I smiled in earnest at that and felt a quick pang of heartache at the thought of Dida. I suddenly missed her and all her blunt honesty, which was stupid, since I only saw her two days ago. “I’m glad she feels so strongly about me.”

 

“She does,” Aro said succinctly. “And as far as we’re concerned, that’s all we need to know. So what can we tell you about Volterra?”

 

I racked my brain for something intelligent and appropriate to ask. “Tell me how the process here works,” I finally said. “From submission to publication.”   
  


Aro smiled, seemingly pleased with my question, and Charlotte launched into her answer. She talked a mile a minute, detailing the running of Volterra Press, how submissions came in, how they were culled, how they were assigned, and how they were readied for publication. Randall said nothing, completely absorbed by his Blackberry, and I wasn’t sure why it was deemed necessary for Caius to be here, since he seemed to be dozing.

 

“So,” I finally asked, when Charlotte paused for air. “How many authors would I be working with at any given time?”

 

“You wouldn’t,” Charlotte said succinctly. “Acquisition editors sift through the submissions and cull the gems. Aro said you’ve got quite the eye for new works and that’s just what we need.”

 

I chose to ignore her compliment and press on. “What happens if I find a piece that I’m excited about? Where does it go after that?”

 

“You’d pass it on to one of the senior editors. And if we accept it for publication, it goes to the copy editors to clean up.”

 

“So I wouldn’t stick with the author through to publication?”

 

“Good Lord, no,” Charlotte laughed, “We’d never get a single thing to press if we spent that much time on each book!”

 

I shook my head a little. “I guess I’m just used to having a more direct hand in the finished product.”

 

“You’d still be vital to the process,” Aro said smoothly. “Without your eye, they’d never make it past submission.”

 

I smiled thinly. “I guess so. It’s just different than how I’ve worked in the past.”

 

Aro reached out and placed his hand over mine on the table. His fingers were cold and I resisted the urge to pull mine away. “In small operations like _The Lantern_ , it’s practically a one-woman show. Here, you’d have the resources to take over all the tedium of clean-up and publication. You could just focus on the works. It’s actually quite liberating.”

 

I tried to wrap my brain around it, and I could kind of see his point. There was a lot of drudgery in getting a piece ready to go to press. I shook off my concerns and asked more questions, everything I could think of about the set-up. I found out how many other acquisition editors there were, how big the pool of copy editors was, how many titles Volterra put out in an average year, how they went about distribution and promotion. My head was swimming with facts and details.

 

“You seem sufficiently overloaded,” Aro said after half an hour of non-stop talking. “Why don’t I take you on a little tour of the place? Charlotte and Randall need to wrap things up before we head out to Frankfurt anyway.

 

“Bella,” Charlotte said, standing up, which signaled that this part of the meeting was done. “We think you’d be an excellent addition to our team. We do hope you’ll seriously consider the offer. It’s quite a good opportunity for someone at your place in your career.”

 

“I’m sure it is,” I said, shaking her hand. “And thank you for giving me so much of your time today.”

 

“My pleasure,” she said, but she was already half-way out the door, her attention elsewhere.

 

Randall stood, eyes still on his stupid Blackberry. He glanced up at me long enough to tell me it was nice to meet me and that he’d be happy to have me aboard. How did he know? He’d barely even spoke to me. And Aro chose not to disturb Caius’s nap, so we left him there dozing in the conference room while Aro showed me around.

 

The offices were lovely. Everything was new and modern. Every acquisitions editor had their own office. With a door. And a view. It seemed slightly dream-like that I was here, that Aro Blalock was waving at an empty office and telling me that could be my desk, with my name on the door.

 

I said little on the tour. My head and my heart were full. I was overwhelmed and had no idea how I really felt about anything.

 

“Bella,” Aro finally said, as we found ourselves back in the empty hallway on the way to reception. “I sense your hesitation. I know it must be hard for you to consider a move like this.”

 

“It’s…I don’t want you to think I’m in any way ungrateful for the offer. But it would be hard to make this change.”

 

“I understand that. I do. But this opportunity could change your whole life.”

 

“I don’t doubt that for a second.”

 

“I know you feel like you’d be giving up your one-on-one interactions with the writers, but the work is rewarding in different ways. And I have to tell you, you have a great deal of promise, Bella.”

 

I flushed and glanced down at my feet, trying to think of something appropriate to say. Aro shifted and leaned on the wall next to me, ducking his head to look at me. I was suddenly acutely aware of being alone in this hallway with him. The little warning niggles I’d felt since the first time I’d met him flared up brightly. I suppressed the urge to shift away from him. I couldn’t help but feel like he was about to reach out and touch me. So there would be _this_ to deal with from him, too.

 

“If your early promise pans out,” he continued, his low, silky voice in my ear. “There’s no telling how high you could rise in this company. There’s a lot of room for advancement in this organization. I’m proof of that.”

 

Aro hovered there next to me, just a little too close, for another moment, and I wondered if my potential for growth at Volterra would be directly tied to my potential in other areas. Then he chuckled lightly and smiled widely, straightening up, apparently deciding he’d been forward enough with me for one day. He was right; he had been.

 

“Look, you’re here for another day. Please give it very careful consideration.”

 

“I will. I promise you, I won’t be able to think of much else right now.”

 

“Good. You’re having lunch with the other acquisition editors tomorrow. Grill them mercilessly! They’ll be happy to tell you anything you want to know. They might be able to give you some insight that I haven’t. Bella, I really hope you’ll decide to join us here. You’ve got immense talent and there’s no telling how far you could go in this industry. I’d hate to see you whither on the vine in a tiny operation out there in the wilds of Chicago when you could be here in the heart of things, a rising star in publishing.”

 

I squelched the urge to bristle in defense of _The Lantern_. This wasn’t the time or place, and it would be the wrong note to finish on. So instead, I swallowed hard and smiled big.

 

“Thank you for your consideration, Aro. And for the time you spent with me today.”

 

I extended my hand to shake his and he wrapped both of his around it, holding on. “It was my pleasure, Bella.”

 

One more forced, polite smile, and I was free to walk back down the hall to reception. I don’t think I exhaled until I was forty floors down and on the street outside.

 

An hour later I was in my hotel, shoes off, trying to decide what to do. I’d told Aro I’d think about it, and I wasn’t lying. There wasn’t room for anything else in my head at the moment. Unfortunately, I was way too mixed up to be objective about any of it. I just felt overwhelmed and confused. I wanted to call Edward, but that seemed all wrong. He said we’d talk when I got back, and I guessed that meant he needed some time. Plus, considering how he reacted about this, the last thing he’d want now would be to help me do a post-mortem of my interview.

 

Sitting on the bed in my silent hotel room was going to make me go crazy, so I changed clothes and headed out. The concierge gave me directions to the Strand bookstore, which I’d always wanted to visit, and I was on my way. The streets of New York did a lot to distract me, and the first fifteen minutes in the blissfully well-stocked Strand helped, too. I decided to spend the whole afternoon there, and just lose myself in the books. When all else failed, that always worked to give me some peace.

 

Half an hour later, I was still wandering the aisles of the fiction section. My fingers were skimming over the spines, but my eyes weren’t registering titles. Nothing caught my attention; nothing seemed to be able to drag me out of the swamp of my own thoughts.

 

I made myself pull a book from the shelf, mostly because I liked the color of the dust jacket. I flipped it open and tried to focus and read the blurb inside. I was on my third pass over it when a man one aisle over chuckled at something. It was low and rich and sounded so much like Edward that my heart nearly stopped. I stuffed my book back on the shelf and scrambled into the next aisle. The source of the laugh was short and balding, and he looked up like a startled rabbit at my sudden, frantic appearance.

 

My stomach fell. Of course he wasn’t here. I knew it wasn’t him. But his absence at that moment felt like a black hole about to swallow me alive. My heart was literally breaking from missing him. My face was wet; I was crying in the middle of the stupid bookstore. My throat constricted painfully, and I had to clamp a hand down over my mouth to hold in the sob about to break out.

 

The moment of clarity broke over my head like glass.

 

I was so fucking stupid. What the hell was I doing here? I _left_ him. I broke his heart and I walked away from him to come here about this job that was so, so _wrong_ for me. I didn’t belong in that place with those people. Yes, the prestige and the power had momentarily lured me in. My fear of making another mistake, of denying my own potential yet again, had been so strong that I’d been about to throw away the best thing that had ever or would ever happen to me all for the sake of pursuing something I s _hould_ do, not something I _wanted_ to do.

 

Because now it was startlingly clear to me. I _knew_ where I belonged. I _knew_ what I wanted. I wanted to go home. Back to Chicago and _The Lantern;_ back to Dida and Alice and Rose and Angela and… _Edward_.

 

Oh, God, Edward. What had I done? How badly had I fucked things up? Could I still fix it? Or was it too late; had I gone too far? I felt sick, and squeezed my eyes shut.

 

“M’am, are you alright?”

 

My eyes flew open to see the short man with Edward’s laugh still staring at me warily. I was still standing in the middle of the aisle, tears streaming down my face, one arm wrapped around my stomach, one hand clamped over my mouth. I must have looked deranged.

 

I dropped my hand and gasped for air. “I have to go,” I said raggedly. The man held up his hands and backed against the shelf, not wanting to get in my way. I turned on my heel and bolted for the door.

 

Outside, I flailed my arm for a cab and hoped that I was doing it right. I’d walked here from my hotel, but now I didn’t have a second to spare. It worked, and moments later, I was headed back to the hotel. I promised the driver all the cash I had if he would just wait for me to grab my suitcase and come back down. He rolled his eyes, but agreed. And so it was only fifteen minutes later that I was hurtling back through the city towards the airport, cell phone clamped to my ear as I desperately tried to re-book my flight.

 

Volterra Press hadn’t been fooling around in their campaign to win me over, so the ticket wasn’t the non-refundable cheapie I’d have gotten if I’d been paying for it myself. With just a small service fee, I was re-booked on a flight out of LaGuardia leaving in forty-five minutes. I just prayed I could make it there and through security in time.

 

As the cab wound its way through the crowded streets, I busied myself composing a brief, but necessary email.

 

To: Aro Blalock, [ablalock@VolterraPress.com](mailto:ablalock@VolterraPress.com)

 

From: Bella Swan, [bswan2.0@gmail.com](mailto:bswan.2@gmail.com)

 

Dear Mr. Blalock,

I thank you for your generous offer, but at this time, I feel my place is in Chicago with _The Chicago Lantern_. I appreciate your interest and thank you for the consideration.

Bella Swan

 

I hit send just as the cab pulled up to the curb at LaGuardia.

 

Security was a nightmare and in the end, I was left racing through the terminal in a desperate panic to make it to my gate. Briefly, I was reminded of my last mad dash through an airport, the morning after Alice’s wedding. But that time, I’d been running away from Edward and back into the stifling trap of my old life. This time, I was running as fast as I could towards my future, to the life I’d built for myself, the home I’d made, the friends I loved. And hopefully, if he’d still have me, I was finally running towards Edward. And if he let me back in, I was never letting go of him again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	32. Beside Me

**  
**

****

**_Bella_ **

****

It was after nine that night when I finally scrambled into a cab at O’Hare. I spit out Edward’s address to the driver and sat back to wait, my knee bouncing restlessly, willing the trip to be shorter. I thought about calling him, but I was nearly there and this needed to come from me face-to-face. Plus, I had to admit to myself that I was slightly afraid that if I called him, he’d tell me not to come. Just the thought of that was enough to end me, and I had to close my eyes and breathe slowly through my nose to keep myself from bursting into tears.

 

The driver let me out in front of Edward’s building and I raced through the lobby, throwing only a quick wave of my hand to Rick, the night doorman. In the elevator, I focused on my feet to avoid looking at my reflection in the polished metal wall panels. I tried to think of what I would say, but my overtaxed brain wasn’t helping me out. I was just going to have to wing it, and hope that when I saw him, I would know the right things to say to fix this.

 

In front of his door, I set my roll-on against the wall and pressed my hand against the door frame, taking a moment to breathe deeply and pray that this wouldn’t be the last time I ever came here. Then I pressed the bell and waited.

 

“Coming…” I heard Edward’s muffled voice from somewhere inside and my heart went into overdrive. He threw the deadbolt and swung the door open. When his eyes met mine, he froze, with his mouth slightly open.

 

“Bella, what are you doing here?” he asked, bewildered.

 

“I’m so sorry, Edward!” The instant I started to speak, I also started to cry. The physical and emotional exhaustion caught up to me and I fell to pieces. I needed him. I needed to get him into my arms and hang on to him. I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face into his shoulder as I wept. He huffed slightly in surprise as my body hit his, but his arms came up immediately to catch me and he took a half-step back to steady himself.   
  
”Bella, what’s wrong? What happened? What are you doing back here already?”

 

“I fucked up. I’m so sorry. I was so wrong. I never should have gone. Just, please…”  
  


“Hey,” he said softly, prying me away from him a little. But I wouldn’t let go, I couldn’t let him set me back down and away from him. He only managed to push me back enough to look at my face. “Calm down, Bell. It’s okay. Just tell me what happened. Did the interview go badly?”

 

He called me “Bell”. That was _his_ nickname for me. Somehow, that reached me. He was still my Edward; there was still something of us here.

 

“The interview went fine,” I said, my voice still reedy. “They want me, but I don’t care. This is where I belong. Here with you.”

 

Edward sighed, and his face softened with emotion. I felt his hands tighten on my arms. I wanted to touch him, and run my fingers down his cheek, but I didn’t want to push too fast. I still had things to say and I was sure he did, too.

 

“Bell…”

 

“No, let me explain. Not that I’m trying to excuse what I did, but I want you to know why.”

 

“Come inside,” he said softly, and I realized we were still standing in the open doorway. He tugged on my hand and pushed the door closed behind me. We didn’t go far, just to the couch to the right. Edward sat first, and I sat next to him, folding one leg up underneath me and angling in to face him. I didn’t let go of his hand. I held it tight in both of mine, stroking my thumbs over his knuckles. I kept my eyes on our joined hands because it was easier that way. I wanted to see us still together, even if it was just our hands.

 

I took a deep breath to steel myself and started talking. “I felt like I _had_ to do it. Not _wanted_ to— _had_ to. I spent all that time with Jay hiding myself away, refusing to realize my own potential, because I was afraid. I was willing to sell myself short for the sake of staying where I was safe. And stupidly, I thought if I didn’t do this, I’d be repeating that same mistake. But I was so wrong. Just because everything in Chicago isn’t what I planned, doesn’t mean it’s not right. It’s absolutely perfect. What would have been wrong would be throwing everything I have away for the sake of something I didn’t even really want.”

 

Edward listened to everything I said in silence. When I finished, he brought his other hand to cover mine and squeezed.

 

“Are you sure about this? I never wanted you to turn down something you want for me. You’d only resent me later for it. If you want this, I promise you, we’ll figure out a way to make it work.”

 

Finally I looked up at him, forcing myself to look straight into his beautiful green eyes, so he’d know I was sure. “I’m positive. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but not the right opportunity. At least, not for me. I’d never be happy there, not truly.  I’m just so, so sorry that I handled it that way. That I had to hurt you like that and go all the way there to figure out what should have been so obvious to me.”

 

“You needed to figure it out in your own way. I wasn’t hurt because you went, Bell. I was hurt that I wasn’t a part of your decision to go.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been so stubborn about standing on my own feet, so that I wouldn’t owe anybody for any part of my life. I wanted every choice I made to be mine, and mine alone. But I lost sight of what mattered, and that’s you. Trying to keep you on the outside was wrong. You’re the center of my life now, Edward. You should have been at the center of this, too.”

 

Edward’s face was lined with emotion again. He shifted forward abruptly, pulling me into his chest. His arms wrapped around me and I felt his lips press against my hair. I closed my eyes and sighed into him, my fingers clutching at his shirt. “I love you,” he murmured.

 

“Edward, I love you so much, it’s crazy.” I was crying again, but this time in relief. He hugged me tighter and for a few minutes, we just held onto each other. “I told you I was a mess,” I murmured against his chest.

 

He chuckled and the vibration moved all the way through me. “You did. And maybe you are. But it’s coming into focus now, right?”

 

I sighed. “It’s crystal clear now.”

 

“That’s the important part. We’ll keep figuring the rest out as we go,” he said, tightening his arms around me. After a moment, he spoke again. “I’m sorry, too, Bell. I lost my temper and blew up at you.”

 

I shook my head against his chest. “You had every right to be mad.”

 

“Yeah, but storming out was the wrong way to handle it. I was just hurt and lashing out. I’m sorry.”

 

“Me, too.”

 

“You said sorry already.”

 

“I’m _still_ sorry. I can’t believe I almost lost you just being blind and stubborn.”

 

“Hey,” he nudged me back so that he could look down into my face. He moved his arm so that he could cup my face. I leaned against his palm. His thumb swept across my damp cheekbone. “You weren’t in any danger of losing me. You know that, right?”

 

“I wasn’t sure. You were so mad. And then you said you wanted to talk when I got back. I was so afraid that I’d figured out my shit too late.”

 

“I told you I’m in this for the long haul, Bell, and I meant it. I’m not going anywhere. Yeah, I got mad, but I wasn’t leaving you. I’ll never leave you.”

 

The tears started afresh and I tried to think of something, _anything_ , to say in response to something like that from him. But I had no words, and even if I did, I was incapable of saying them at that moment. So I just reached up for his face and pulled him down to me and kissed him. It was sweet, lingering and intense; my lips pressed hard against his as we held on tight to each other. When we finally broke apart, it was only so I could tuck my face into his neck under his jaw. Edward stroked my hair in long slow passes and I just closed my eyes and inhaled him, blissful in our reunion.

 

“Do you want to talk about Volterra?” Edward asked at length.

 

I sighed and sat back a little. “It was amazing. All modern and efficient. I could hardly even believe I was there. It was like a dream.”

 

“But, then you should…”

 

I held up my hand to stop him. “I said it was like a dream, but what I figured out while I was there was that it wasn’t _my_ dream. It would have been a great opportunity, and who knows what my career would be like if I followed that path. But it’s not the path I want to be on. I don’t want to work like that, and I don’t want to work with people like that.” I could barely suppress the shudder I felt run through me at the memory of Aro, always standing too close, always touching me too much.

 

But I should have known I could never get anything past Edward. He noticed the shift in my voice and looked at me closely. “Did something happen?”

 

I shook my head. “No, not really. But yeah, I got a vibe, you know? Aro would have become an issue, if I’d stayed.”

  
Edward’s face grew stony, and I stroked his jaw lightly with my fingertips, trying to diffuse him. “Don’t let a creep like that scare you off, Bella.”

 

I smiled softly, “He didn’t. I could have handled him. The whole thing just felt _wrong_. I was confused and overwhelmed, so it took me a little bit to get clarity on it, but once I did, all I could think about was getting back here to you, as fast as I could.”

 

“Jesus, I missed you,” he sighed. “I know it’s only been a day, but it felt so much longer.”

 

“I know. I missed you, too. But I’m back now, and I’m not leaving again. Ever.”

 

I wiggled closer, scooting half way into his lap. He tightened his arm around my waist and lifted me up against him. It was like I couldn’t get close enough, I couldn’t have enough of me touching him. Edward must have felt the same way, because his hands never stopped moving, rubbing and stroking across my shoulders, down my back, down my thigh, and then back up.

 

I tucked my face back into his neck and pressed my lips against his skin. He exhaled, long and slow. I did it again and his hand stopped on my hip, his fingers curling in. I slid my hand up the back of his neck and into his hair, always so thick and soft. Edward turned his face down, his lips seeking mine.

 

This time it was hot and urgent; this time his mouth opened over mine and his tongue pushed in. I pressed myself closer to him as his hand slid around to cup my ass and pull me closer to his lap. As I settled my weight against him, he groaned into my mouth.   
  


“Edward,” I murmured against his lips. He kissed his way, open-mouthed, across my cheek, down along my jaw, and down to my neck. My head fell back and my eyes closed. I fisted my hand in his hair to hold him to me.

 

“Hmm?” he mumbled, sucking gently on my skin.

 

“Take me to bed, please.”

 

He nipped at my skin, making me moan, before pressing a gentle kiss over the bite mark. Quickly, he unfolded himself up off the couch and reached for me, pulling me to my feet. I fell into his arms and back into another kiss, reveling in the feel of his long, lean body pressed against every inch of me.

 

Edward gripped my head in his hands, his fingers tangling in my hair, kissing me slow and thorough, as he began to walk backwards towards the bedroom. I steadied myself with my hands on his waist, letting him lead me with his hands and his mouth.

 

At the doorway, he released me just long enough to grab the hem of my shirt and whip it off over my head. I wrapped my hand in the front of his t-shirt and tugged. He reached back behind his head and grabbed a fistful of shirt, pulling it off in one quick, mouth-watering movement. I crashed into him, wanting to feel my skin against his, his bare arms wrapped tightly across my lower back. He kissed me so hard that I bent back from the force.

 

We were moving, faster this time, an urgent scramble to the bed, never letting go of each other, our hands desperately touching, stroking, and gripping hard. Our kisses became sloppy in our haste. At the edge of the bed, Edward hooked his arm around my waist and twisted us as we fell. My back hit the bed just as Edward hit my front, his chest pressing mine, his weight pinning me to the bed.

 

I moaned and wrapped myself around him, arms around his shoulders, legs around his hips. He shifted, gaining traction against the bed with his knees so that he could thrust himself into me. We moaned in unison that time.

 

“Edward…” I sighed, as his mouth left mine and he moved down my neck. He was planting slow, light kisses down the center of my chest, over my ribs, down my stomach, as his fingers worked the button on my jeans. When the zipper released, I lifted my hips so he could tug them down my legs. He took his time, his hands stroking my bare flesh as my clothes fell away, his lips replacing his hands when they moved lower. I writhed under him, inundated with sensation, his fingers and mouth all over me. My hands grabbed ineffectively at his shoulders, wanting him over me, in me, filling me.

 

When my jeans were finally gone, he crawled back up my body, sliding his hands up me as he went. He stopped at my chest, slipping a hand underneath me to release my bra. When it was gone, his mouth descended on me, pulling my nipple into his mouth. I groaned and arched under him. He settled back between my legs and rocked his hips into me. I felt like I would explode with wanting him.

 

“God, you taste good,” he muttered against my skin.

 

“I want you,” I said, tugging on him again.

 

“I always want you, Bella. Always.”

 

“Now, please, Edward.”

 

I reached down for the zipper on his pants, but his hands were already there, getting himself free. Soon, he was back, all bare, pressing against me. He balanced his weight on his elbows, one hand cradling my face. I opened my eyes and looked at him, wanting to see his eyes when he pushed into me.

 

It was so intense this way, no more hiding away, as I felt him sliding along me, feeling his way to my entrance.

 

“I love you,” he sighed, as he finally pushed in. My back came up off the bed as he slid in and filled me. I kept my eyes on his, so fiery and brilliant. His breathing grew deep and labored. I reached up to cup his face, tilting mine so I could kiss him gently. He groaned and began to move.

 

I never looked away from him, wanting to see the lust and strain play out across him as he pounded into me. I kept looking as I felt every nerve ending in my body catch fire. I let go of his face so that I could grip his shoulders, steadying myself as our movements together grew wilder.

 

“Mmm, Edward…” his name escaped my mouth on an exhale. The desire was starting to knot in my belly, everything stretching tight in anticipation. Edward was breathing hard through his nose. He shifted his position slightly and the new angle of his hips made me frantic for release. “Oh, god…”

 

“Bella, I’m almost there…”

 

“Yes…” I sighed and then I was, too, exploding into bright sensation. He gasped and jerked before stilling. His arms slid under my body, the whole weight of him pressing me down to the bed. I hooked my heels around his calves, holding him tight to me, every inch of our skin touching.

 

“I love you,” I said, kissing his shoulder, the only part of him my lips could reach.

 

“Forever,” he said against my ear.

 

Sometime later— after we’d talked in whispers for hours; after I’d pushed him onto his back and tasted every inch of his body with my mouth until he shouted my name into the dark; after he’d cradled me in his arms and made me come again— I finally slept, curled into his chest, held tight in his arms.

 

*0*0*

 

When the beams of sunlight through the blinds finally stretched across the bed, I woke up. I was on my stomach, my arms sprawled out to the sides, my hair a wild tangle across the pillow. I was still naked, my body still flushed and faintly marked from our desperate couplings the night before. I groaned and rubbed my face into the pillow before opening my eyes and blinking against the light. I reached out to my side and was met with empty bed.

 

I propped myself up on my elbows and glanced around. No Edward. Our clothes from yesterday still littered the floor in a path to the door, and I smiled.

 

Then I heard his footsteps coming from the living room and I sat up. He paused in the doorway, a cup of coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other.

 

“Where’d you go?” I asked.

 

His eyes raked down me, naked to the waist where the sheet fell away. Lust flashed across his face, but he simply raised the coffee cup in answer. “Not far. Just to get you your fix. I figured you’d need it.”

 

He crossed the room to sit on the edge of the bed and hand me the coffee. I took a long, scalding pull on it before setting it on the bedside table.

 

“Thank you. That was very sweet. I do need it. Yesterday was the longest day of my life, in a good way.” I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair and he smiled, catching my hand and kissing my wrist.

 

“I wanted to check on something, too,” he whispered against my wrist. I got entirely distracted, watching his pretty mouth against my pale skin.

 

“What was that?” I murmured absently.

 

With his free hand, he tossed the newspaper on my lap. It was folded back to a specific section, and there was something circled in pen. I tore my gaze away from his enthralling mouth and picked it up to look. As my eyes skimmed the page, I felt him crawl into bed behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.

 

It was the real estate section.

 

“Our house is still on the market,” he whispered, his lips brushing the crook of my neck.

 

I gasped and my eyes immediately started to water.

 

“The price has dropped a little, actually. It’s a steal now.”

 

“Yes,” I whispered hoarsely, the tiny print of the ad swimming on the page through my tears.

 

“Are you sure?” he asked, his thumb stroking the skin of my waist. “I don’t want to rush you or pressure you, Bella.”

 

I twisted in his grasp to face him, so I could throw my arms around his neck and pull his mouth to mine. “Yes. Yes, yes, yes, _please_ ,” I said breathlessly between kisses.

 

Edward laughed and pulled me in tight. “Okay, then. Let’s make a phone call and buy ourselves a house. If you’re sure.”

 

I pressed my hand to his cheek, looking straight into his eyes so he’d know there was no fear, and no distance between us anymore. We were finally in the same place, hand-in-hand, and ready to start moving forward together.

 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. This is what I want. The future with you.”

 

The smile that spread across his face was enough to stop my heart. “Then that’s what you’ll have.”

 

As I pulled Edward back down into bed with me, wrapping myself around him, I let the happy glow wash over me.

 

A year ago, still stuck in the dead end that my life had become, I never could have imagined that happiness like this could have been meant for me. It took a lot to get here, and I had to almost lose everything to understand just how much I had gained. But now I knew, and I’d never take it for granted or push it away again. Life lay out in front of me, in a complex tapestry of people and work and friendship and love. I was never going to do less than grab on to it tight with both hands, starting with Edward, this amazing man who loved me despite all odds, and managed to hold me safely even as he freed me to fly.

 


	33. Epilogue

_Ten months later:_

 

“Alice, I swear to God, I don’t care if you are my sister. Don’t you dare bring that lipstick one inch closer.”

 

I darted back into the bedroom of Rose’s hotel suite just in time to see Rose and Alice squared off, glaring at each other. Alice had a tube of lipstick poised and at the ready, and Rose looked like she might bite her hand off if she tried to put it on her.

 

Jessica stood behind them, her eyes darting anxiously back and forth. Angela bustled in right behind me, drawing up short when she spotted the stand-off, then hastily backing out again.

 

“Rose, this color is perfect with your dress.” Alice said, her voice conciliatory.

 

“Alice, my dress is white. Every color is perfect with it.”

 

“It’s not white,” Alice rolled her eyes. “It’s Blush of Cream, which means it’s off-white with a peachy-pink undertone. That’s why this one goes so much better. It will bring out the warm undertones of the dress.”

 

Now it was Rose’s turn to roll her eyes as she turned back to her mirror and slicked on her own lipstick choice, a deep blood red. Alice sucked in her breath in horror before snapping the lid back on her lipstick for emphasis.

 

“Okay, okay,” I said, finally stepping into the room to diffuse the situation. “We’d better get a move on. It’s almost time.”

 

Rose shrugged dismissively. “I’m ready.”

 

And she was. Rose had been ready for this day, for this moment, with Emmett for years. Now that it was finally here, she was remarkably calm and unconcerned. She was just ready to get on with it and start her happily ever after. That might have had less to do with their long, circuitous route to the altar and more to do with the fact that Rose was two months pregnant already. Once she was certain the thing with Emmett was going to stick, she’d wasted no time in grabbing what she wanted with both hands.

 

“If I go check on the guys, will you two promise not to kill each other?”

 

“I can’t kill the bride on her wedding day,” Alice sighed.

 

“I can go, Bella!” Jessica volunteered, jumping forward.

  
”Um, yeah, no. Two words for you, Jessica,” I said, counting them off on my fingers.  “Rehearsal. Dinner. The last thing we need now is for you and Mike to vanish again.”

 

“Okay, okay,” she sighed, “I’ll just wait until the reception.”

 

“Jess…” Alice moaned, and I laughed as I headed for the door. Moving to Atlanta eight months ago and getting engaged seemed to have done very little to cool the fire between Mike and Jessica. Whenever they were in the vicinity of each other, they seemed to have a hard time keeping their hands to themselves. I supposed I could understand that feeling, although Edward and I managed to behave a bit better.

 

It had been a busy year for everybody. First there had been Jessica’s speedy decamping to Atlanta. A few months later, Angela and Ben finally tied the knot in a small, private, civil ceremony. Rose and Emmett survived a tempestuous first few months of dating before surprising absolutely no one last Christmas when they announced they were engaged. Somewhere in there, Edward and I closed on the house and moved in together.

 

Home-ownership had come as a rude awakening to both of us. That might have had something to do with the fact that our new house was almost a hundred years old, and there was a reason it stayed on the market for months. Almost immediately, things began to break. It seemed like the first six months we lived there, we always had a third person in the house with us: a plumber, an electrician, a handyman…sometimes all three at once.

 

Esme had been a godsend, endlessly generous with her list of home repair contractors, her decorating help, and her casseroles when our kitchen was out of commission for weeks at a time. There’s nothing like dealing with extensive home repair to let you know what your partner is truly like under pressure. Edward and I certainly had our moments, but we made it through mostly unscathed— tense, tired, but at the end of every day, still on the same team.

 

It mirrored the rest of our relationship. Yes, we encountered bumps in the road as we meshed our two lives into one. But the important thing was always us. I put Edward first, and he always, _always_ put me first. After that, the rest was just negotiation, and we got better at it every day.

 

One night in January, five months after we moved in, we were finally spending one of our first truly quiet evenings at home. Remarkably, everything seemed in good repair, and  for the moment, nothing was ripped up or under plastic sheeting. We’d finally been able to build a fire in the fireplace (after having to bring in a specialist to remove the sparrow’s nests from the chimney), and we’d let it burn low since we were going up to bed soon. We were curled up on the couch; Edward was reading a medical journal and I was reading yet another in an endless stream of submissions to _The Lantern_. He had one arm around my shoulders, and I’d slouched down on the couch to rest my head on his chest. The fire popped and snapped in the corner, and the room was softly lit from the side table lamps. It was snowing, leaving a heavy white blanket on the side yard outside the windows behind us. It made the rest of the world seem silent and far away.

 

I set down my pages and looked around us, realizing with a slow, warm glow of bliss that if I had to distill my entire life down into one moment to live in forever, it would be this one. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling happier, more content, than I did in this one perfect moment.

 

Edward noticed my distraction and set down his journal.

 

“What are you thinking?” he asked, smiling.

 

I twisted a little to face him and pressed my lips to his chest. “Happy. I was just thinking that I’m so very, very happy.”

 

Edward sighed and kissed the top of my head. “Me, too. Come here.”

 

I scooted up, his arms wrapped around my back, until I could kiss his mouth, his soft, perfect lips that I would never, ever get tired of. He sighed into my mouth, cupping my face with one hand. His face was blissful, his eyes glittering in the dying light of the fire. I traced his jawline with one finger.

 

“Let’s make the happiness a permanent thing, okay?” he murmured.

 

I smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again. “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

 

He smiled back. “Marry me.”

 

It was so soft, yet so earnest. Just the words, honest and straight-forward. I caught my breath and leaned back just enough to see his face fully. He looked back at me, so certain. He loved me and wanted me forever, and he knew it. So did I.

 

“Yes,” I answered simply.

 

In the end, it was decided quietly, a tiny intimate moment between the two of us. Just as it should be.

 

I smiled at the memory, and instinctively, the fingers of my right hand went to touch the ring on my left. It was intricate and old, and sported a very sizeable square-cut diamond. It was far more ring than I was comfortable with, but it was the Platt family ring, bought by the same Edward Platt who built the family house, and passed down through the generations. Since Esme wore the ring that Carlisle gave her when he proposed, the family heirloom had been sitting in a safe-deposit box until Edward was ready for it. And now it sat on the third finger of my left hand. Sometimes the ring and all it symbolized overwhelmed me, but it was a part of Edward, the same as the house, the same as his family and his heritage. So I loved it and I wore it and I smiled every time it caught my eye.

 

I stepped out of Rose’s hotel suite and took a deep breath before I walked down the hall to check on Emmett. Just as I was about to move, Emmett’s door opened and Edward emerged. When he saw me, his whole face lit up with a smile and he started pacing down the hall in my direction.

 

Edward in a tuxedo still took my breath away. His broad shoulders, his narrow hips, his long legs— it was almost obscene how good he looked. I sighed and swooned like a schoolgirl at the sight of my fiancé.

 

“Hey, you,” he smiled when he got close, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

 

“Hey, yourself,” I said, suppressing the urge to lick my lips. “Are you guys having fun in there?”

 

Edward shrugged. “You know. Emmett’s so nervous, I think he might spontaneously combust. How’s Rose?”

 

I laughed. “Cool as a cucumber, but it’s Rose, so that’s no surprise. She and Alice might kill each other over the exact shade of white of her dress, but we’ll survive. I can’t wait until the reception, that’s all I’m saying.”

 

Edward chuckled. “Yeah, me either. The Maid of Honor is really hot, and I’m hoping that if I ply her with enough champagne, I might get lucky there.”

  
I smiled and cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh, really? And you think you have a shot there? Maybe she’s already taken. Who knows? Maybe she’s engaged to some _amazing_ guy. Why on earth would she give the time of day to the horny Best Man, no matter how scorching hot he looks in a tux?”

 

Edward abruptly took his hands out of his pockets and stepped forward, backing me into the wall. He laid his palms flat on either side of my head. “Scorching hot, huh?” he growled, his eyes half-closed and his mouth far too close to mine.

 

My body lit up with desire and I swallowed hard. “Mmm hmmm. If you’re into that sort of thing.”

 

“Do you think she’s into that sort of thing?”

 

“The hot Maid of Honor?”

 

He nodded, moving one hand to trace his finger over my shoulder and down my arm. “That’s the one. Do you think I have a shot with her?”

 

“Um… you might. If you play your cards right,” I murmured, his lips just a breath away from mine.

 

“Ah, geez! Come on, guys!” Jasper’s exasperated huff broke us apart. He was standing just outside Emmett’s suite, hands on his hips. “First Mike and Jess, and now you two.”

 

Edward backed away from me, hands up in defense. “No worries. I’ll behave.” Then he looked back at me and whispered, “For now.”

 

I flushed and looked at my feet. I heard Edward chuckle before he moved away to join Jasper.

 

“Alright, we have a wedding to put on,” Jasper said, clapping his hands together. “Em? You ready, man?”

 

Emmett appeared from inside the suite, looking a little pale and sweaty.

 

“You doing okay, Em?” I asked him.

 

He forced a sickly smile and nodded. “Yeah. Just a little nervous. She’s still in there, right? She’s gonna show?”

 

“Em, of course she is! She’s just in there ticking off the minutes until ‘I do’.”

 

He exhaled and visibly relaxed. “Okay. Good. Yeah. Let’s do this.”

  
There were a few more minutes spent double-checking that Edward had the rings, and that Emmett remembered his cues, and then the boys were off to the elevators and the ballroom below.

 

I headed back to Rose’s suite to get the girls together. In my absence, Mims Hale had shown up and was flitting around her daughter, trying to be helpful. Rose looked like she was trying to refrain from murdering her mother, and I wondered if it was always like this, since it seemed so reminiscent of Alice’s wedding day. It would be different for me, though. I couldn’t imagine Esme ever getting on my nerves the way Mims was currently riding Rose’s. And for all intents and purposes, Esme was my mother now. She and Carlisle, welcoming me so thoroughly into their family, was one of the very best perks of many that came with Edward.

 

Jessica and Alice had a minor disagreement about the placement of Rose’s veil, until Rose slapped both their hands away and decided for herself. After that, there was nothing left to do but go get Rose married to Emmett.

 

Outside the ballroom, as we waited for the music that would cue our entrance, I cast a quick glance at Rose. She was as statuesque as ever, her eyes focused straight ahead, her face placid.

 

“Hey, you okay?” I asked her with a nudge.

 

She looked at me, surprised, “Me? Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just glad this is almost done.”

 

“You have got to be the calmest bride in the history of weddings, Rose.”

 

She smiled serenely. “I’ve done more than my fair share of freaking out over Emmett. I’m all done with that. We’ve figured out this part. This is just one day, right? We have babies to raise, and I’m sure that’s going to be a lot harder than standing around in a pretty dress and getting my picture taken.”

 

“Smart girl. I’m so happy for you, Rose.”

 

She smiled again, showing her gleaming white teeth, which was rare for Rose. “I’m happy, too. And I’m happy you’re here. Thank you, Bella. I’m so glad we’re friends.”

 

“Stop!” I said waving my hand in front of my face. “I’m going to cry!”

 

Rose snorted and rolled her eyes. “You and Alice both…such softies!”

 

Then we heard the change in music that signaled the start of the procession. We scrambled into the correct order and the doors were thrown open. Jessica took the first steps down the aisle towards Emmett in front.

 

After we’d all made our way down the aisle, Rose followed, resplendent in her bias-cut sheath gown, like something out of a Hollywood movie in the thirties. The early flush of pregnancy had only made her voluptuous figure more so. I stepped forward to relieve her of her bouquet just before she turned to face Emmett. I glanced at him and I swear, he looked like he might cry.

 

Rose took one look at Emmett’s red, watery eyes and started to stifle a laugh. Then, suddenly, we were all trying to hold it back. It was a full minute before the wedding party got themselves under control enough for the minister to begin the ceremony.

 

Once he began to speak, my eyes found Edward, standing just behind Emmett. Of course, he was already watching me. We smiled at each other and instinctively, my left thumb began to stroke the metal of my engagement ring. Edward’s eyes flickered down at the movement and his smile grew wider. He looked back up at me and mouthed “Soon”. Yes, soon. I imagined Edward and me standing where Rose and Emmett were, hand-in-hand, promising the rest of our lives to each other. Soon couldn’t come fast enough.

 

I had to look away to get my ridiculously goofy grin under control. Instead, I focused on our friends. I looked at Rose and Emmett, facing each other, finally at the end of one long, painful road and stepping out together on a brand new one. I looked at Jessica, so sure she had it all figured out until Mike came along and blew her life to bits, making her the happiest person I knew. I looked at Ben in the first pew, who couldn’t take his eyes off of his wife, one of my oldest and dearest friends, Angela. I looked at Alice beside me, who was crying as she watched Rose and Emmett speak their vows. Sweet, fierce Alice, who loved me with her whole heart; Alice, who had saved my life in more ways than one. I looked at Jasper, who had become a brother to me, smiling at Alice, the light of his life.  

 

Rose and Emmett were near the end of their vows now, and I looked down at my flowers to hide my teary eyes. I felt blessed and complete with all of these people around me. I felt lucky to know them, fortunate to have been a part of their lives and stories, and I couldn’t wait to see where life led us all in the future.

 

Rose and Emmett kissed, and it was done. She was smiling and laughing, the happiest I’d ever seen her, radiant in her joy. Emmett swept her back into his arms for another kiss, this one a lot hotter than their first as husband and wife. Everyone laughed and Rose batted him away good-naturedly. The music started back up and they headed back down the aisle, arm-in-arm.

 

The wedding party filed out behind them, and Edward caught my hand as soon as we left the hall, his fingers weaving with mine.

 

“I’m happy for them,” he said.

 

“I’m ecstatic. And relieved. For a while there, I doubted they’d ever make it here.”

 

“It’s definitely something to celebrate.”

 

I sighed dramatically. “And we will. I could _so_ use a drink now.”

 

Edward chuckled. “Well, we’d better move along to the reception then. Don’t forget, I still have that Maid of Honor to seduce.”

 

I squeezed his hand and smiled up at him. “I don’t think she’s going to put up much of a fight. This time.”

 

 

_Fin_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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